Sally Mabelle.com

Dealing with Conflict Directly

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Did anyone ever wash your mouth out with soap?
My mother did.
I remember when I was about eight years old. I was standing in the doorway to our kitchen – saying something that my mother obviously didn't like.
She grabbed me by the arm and marched me over to the sink and held down my head while she squirted dishwashing liquid into my mouth.

My mother used to say,
"If you can’t say something nice….don’t say anything at all."

OR if you don't like something, you should not admit it but be polite instead and say 'that's interesting'.

Did anyone every say something like that to you?

Have you ever held in your truth for fear of the consequences of speaking up?
OR have you ever overreacted, blurting out your feelings and thoughts, then later regretted it?

When we grew up, most of us learned to express our feelings and deal with conflict in unhealthy, indirect ways.

I learned early on that if I didn't want to get threatened with "the belt" or get my mouth washed out with soap, I had better hold in my anger or express it in less direct ways – I learned to be sneaky.

Once, when I was mad at my mother, I hid her favourite necklace in a small pink and white striped porcelain jar in our bathroom. When I heard her yell, "Where’s my necklace!" I secretly gloated.
Later, when she was nice to me again, I put it back.

So how do you deal with conflict and express your feelings?
What's the big deal anyway?
So you might be a bit indirect - So what's the big deal?

The big deal is that there's a huge, heavy cost to our unskilled ways of dealing with conflict and our indirect ways of communicating.

When we're either dishonest or overeactive,
we undermine our own integrity.
We undermine trust in ourselves,
and we undermine trust in our relationships

Bestselling author Stephen Covey, in his book 'The 8th Habit' , cites
recent Harris Poll of 23,000 employees, which found that only 15% of employees felt they worked in a high-trust environment and only 17% felt their organisation supported open communication.

The bottom line is that we have a worldwide epidemic of distrust and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict and communicating.

We see countless examples of unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict in the news all the time: from domestic violence to alcohol and drug abuse, school bullying, legal battles like in divorce,and of course, the biggest conflict of all, WAR.
Speaking of war, have you ever heard of Victor Frankl?
Frankl was a Prisoner of War who survived the
Nazi concentration camp. He noticed that some people survived the camps much better than others…although they were exposed to similar horrifying experiences.
He noticed that what differentiated the survivors was their response to what happened. The external circumstances were similar for everyone, but the key to the survivors' strength lay in their response, in their inner state.
Frankl said "Between stimulus and response there is a space – in that space lies our power to choose our response. In that response lies our growth and freedom."

So how do you find that growth and freedom to deal with conflict more effectively?

One specific, simple thing you can do is stop and pause throughout the day whenever you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Ask yourself, "How does this make me feel? What do I need? How might the other person feel? What might they need?"
Taking a moment to be aware of feelings and needs before communicating can help you be more effective,clear and direct.

Over the past 20 years, I have focused on becoming better at dealing with conflict and communicating more authentically.
After years of attending personal development courses, going to therapy, working through anorexia and bulimia, and reading many books and listening to CDs, I think I'm a bit better at handling conflict now. I should be!

Recently, I had the chance to see how well I could walk the talk. This past July, I visited my family in the States – I hadn't been to visit them for two years, and I went shopping with my mother.

As I was looking at a rack of trousers, my mom said to me "Oh Sally – you shouldn't wear pants with that flat bottom of yours – we all look terrible in pants – you should stick to skirts."

"And that new boyfriend of yours is a personal trainer" my mother continued, "can't he do something about 'that middle' of yours?"

On a roll now, she added,
"And aren't you uncomfortable when you run, honey? Have you ever considered breast reduction surgery?"

I felt a familiar feeling of shock – and went into that powerless, helpless, shamed little girl sort of moment. Then, all my years of training kicked in:

I stopped,paused, and asked myself,
"How do I feel? and What do I need?"
and I gathered the courage to say,

"Mom, when you made those comments about my body, I felt really hurt. I really want a sense of self-esteem and want to be valued, appreciated, and accepted just as I am.
Please NEVER say those things to me again."

And do you know what?
My Mom just listened and said "OK, I’ll never mention it again.” AND

I didn’t get my mouth washed out with soap.

So, in summary, when you have an uncomfortable situation come up, STOP, PAUSE, BREATHE, and ask yourself, 'How do I feel?' and 'What do I need?' When you're able to hear the message of your emotion, you can then communicate that feeling and the underlying need to another and create a more authentic relationship as a result. More importantly, you'll feel aligned inside and a sense of integrity. By speaking up directly, you'll begin the process of dissolving the conflict and connecting with yourself, and connecting with the other person as well...a much better result than having your mouth washed out with soap!

Source: Dealing with Conflict Directly

Six Words to Discover Your Leadership Purpose

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Are you on track with living your passionate purpose?
Are you a leader in that you inspire those around you?
Are you moving in a clear direction?
Would you like to take more intentional action in all you do?

Here is a short, easy process to help you discover and/or clarify your purpose. It will help you to better identify and value your unique contribution to humanity. In just about 10 minutes, you can create your own focused purpose statement to help inspire you. Anytime you need some clarity and direction, do this simple exercise:

To begin, get out a pen and take a minute to brainstorm all of your best qualities. Make a list. Now, pick just three of those qualities which you believe are your three top qualities. List those three qualities and condense each quality into one word. For example, your quality words could be words like positivity, empathy, enthusiasm, and generosity.

Now, after you have chosen your three quality words, write down three ways you enjoy expressing those qualities with others, using one action word for each of the three ways. For example, some of the action words or verbs you might use for ways of expressing might be words like inspiring, empowering, nurturing, etc.

The final step is to plug in your 6 words you have identified into the following purpose statement:

My purpose is to express my ____(quality 1)_______, ___(quality 2)___________, and
_____(quality3)______
to __(action 1)________, __(action 2)_________, and___ (action 3)______ (with) others.

As an example, my current purpose statement today is:

My purpose is to express my inspiration, interest, and initiative to
engage, inspire, and empower others.

Your purpose statement is a work in progress which can shift and change with your evolving direction. In this way,you don't worry about getting it perfect the first time you try this activity.

I recommend you write out your purpose statement clearly and post it somewhere easily visible where you can read it often. It will affirm your value and your uniqueness. It will give you energy and vision to live your passionate purpose each day, inspiring others as you do.

Remember, too, even though you're on a big mission, you can have fun and enjoy the process!

Contact Sally on 09 525 4008 or at sally@sallymabelle.com to receive $25 off your private 'voice of leadership' coaching session.

Source: Six Words to Discover Your Leadership Purpose

Speak Like a Leader

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Do you speak like a leader?
Whether you're speaking to a large group, a few people, or even to one person,
do you consider yourself to be inspirational and motivational?
Why or why not?
I attended a recent talk by Australian 'Thought Leader' Matt Church at The National Speakers Association of New Zealand which inspired me to ask myself these questions.

Are you the CEO or 'Chief Energy Officer' that you could be?

Matt was talking to our group about becoming 'world class presenters' and 'leaders in our field' and letting us know what it took for him to succeed as a speaker. He gives between 50-100 speeches a year internationally, and charges $5000-$10,000 per speech…not a bad income!

Matt encouraged us to speak as often as possible, noting that
Tony Robbins says that he polished his speaking by giving 400 FREE speeches before he ever began to charge.

To be a successful 'world class' leader and presenter, Matt told us we need the Three M's…

1 Message – a powerful message based on your authentic experience

2. Methodology (polished presentation skills)

3. Market (those interested in your message)

Your speech or message should have 3 parts:

1. Explain The Problem: 15 mins (Uncover)

2. Explain The Cause: 15 mins (Discover)

3. Offer a Solution 15 mins (Recover) (ie. Give them tools and hope)

In the first 2 parts of your speech or presentation, create 'dissonance' in the audience…discomfort…stir them up…making them aware of a particular problem…resist the temptation to solve the problem in the first 15 mins.

Figure out what YOUR unique angle is…as there are many speaking on common topics such as:
Leadership, Innovation, Work-Life Balance, Presentation Skills…

What is your particular PhD in? What’s your unique expertise? In what field are you a 'thought leader'?

To be awarded a PhD in traditional university programmes, you need to both contribute to and contradict the existing body of knowledge and offer a contrary opinion. Matt referred to your contribution as your 'yes, and…' and your contradiction as your 'yes, but…' positions.

Whatever your topic, pick the three bestselling books on that topic and
give your additional input and contrary input. Doing this will make you
NOTORIOUS…or different.

He also mentioned that in this current economic climate, it is wise consider generating income from six particular skills, rather than focus solely on speaking:

Marketing To Individuals AND Marketing to Groups

Telling: Authorship - Keynote speaking

Showing: Mentoring - Training

Asking: Coaching - Facilitating

Matt explained the difference between being a coach, a trainer, and a speaker by saying:

A coach is 'sitting down'.

A trainer is walking around in 'comfortable shoes'.

A speaker is in 'stiletto heels' – a lot of weight focused on a narrow heel just like a speaker's must pack a lot of 'punch' into a narrow timeframe.

Matt told us that a speaker needs 3 things differently than a trainer:
1. Stories
2. Statistics
3. Humour
Interestingly, he mentioned that to audiences of kiwis, brits, and ozzies, self-deprecating humour works best…but that this type of humour didn’t work as well in America.
It's always safest to make yourself the 'fool' in your stories versus making fun of someone else.

Matt,while not poking fun at one person, did make fun of Toastmasters, the international public speaking 'club', saying it was just for people who were afraid of speaking. He implied that if you wanted to be 'world class', Toastmasters was not the training ground. Although he may have ruffled a few feathers with this comment, perhaps this was his way of expressing a 'contrary' position to the generally accepted consensus as he teaches that all 'PhD's' need to do in their dissertation.

Matt went on to highlight other key aspects to becoming a 'world class presenter' include mastering animation, engagement, and charisma.
To boost these aspects of your speech, identify your personality quirks and turn them UP in volume. You don't have to be 'fake' – just allow authentic parts of yourself to be 'amplified'.

What personality quirks do you have and how can you find ways to bring them each to the platform. For instance, when you tell stories, which aspect of you will be telling it?

I hope you feel inspired now to 'stand in your authority to change the world'.
Matt emphasized that our world needs visionaries, leaders who can give people two things...“Hope and Tools.
Matt's talk certainly gave me these two things. May these words you’ve just read give you hope and tools as well...the hope and tools to become a great leader and speaker.

Source: Speak Like a Leader

How To Assert Yourself in a Stressful Meeting

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Have you ever held in your feelings during a meeting, not wanting to offend by speaking your mind? Then, afterwards, you think of all the things you SHOULD have said?

Have you ever felt angry when someone wasn't giving you any space to express your point of view? Have you ever felt frustrated when someone was dominating the conversation and not seeming to be interested in what you might have to say?

If you answer 'yes' some or all of these questions, and would like some practical advice for overcoming your frustration, keep reading...

Here's an easy process you can use to help you feel more confident in changing the course of your meetings.
It will assist you in you transforming your frustration into constructive action. Rather than silently steaming or saying something in your impatience that you'll later regret, follow this five-step process for assertive speaking:
This process will increase your capacity to
assertively speak up, so others will listen rather than get defensive.
To remember the five steps, here's a memory-
enhancing phrase which you can use:

Beware or Feelings Will Really Rule! (BFWRR)
Step 1: B is for Behaviour
Step 2: F is for Feelings

Step 3: W is for Wants
Step 4: R is for Request
Step 5: R is for Result

Let's take an example of when stress might occur at your next meeting. Imagine the person leading the meeting is dominating the ‘air time’ and not giving you enough time and space to
respond or contribute.
Step 1:
B - The first step is to notice the behaviour that is triggering your discomfort. Summon up your courage to share your observation about that behaviour with the other person. Make an objective observation that is factual without any evaluation or interpretation added. For example,
"I’m noticing that you have been speaking for the past 15 minutes.”

Step 2:
F - Express the feeling that you have in response to
that behaviour:
"When you are talking without asking for a response
,I feel frustrated. (no blame… you are owning your own feelings)

Step 3:
W - State what you Want
"I would like a good sense of teamwork here."

Step 4:
R - Make a specific Request
"Will you please give us all time to respond to the
issues you raised?"

Step 5:
R - Communicate the positive Results you expect if the person
grants your request.
"If we can hear some opinions from others here, I feel we'll have more of a sense of cooperation and teamwork.

By using this process, you are more likely to get a positive
response than if you either
a. held in your anger and felt resentful or
b. blew up at the person in frustration

I realise this process takes courage and practice, so be easy on yourself as you're trying it out. As you get the feel for the five steps, you'll feel more and more confident asserting yourself.

For more coaching on Assertiveness and Confidence in your Communication, contact Sally and receive $25 off a private
‘empowerment’ session when you mention you read the this article. sally@sallymabelle.com or 09 525 4008 sallymabelle.com

Source: How To Assert Yourself in a Stressful Meeting

How To Better Connect in Your Relationships

Fri, 29 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Would you like to feel more connected in your relationships?
How happy are you in general with your friendships and other relationships?

If your answer is not 'VERY HAPPY', I suspect that you may have some challenges expressing how you feel and what you'd like from others.

Do you ever judge your feelings sometimes as 'unacceptable' or 'embarassing' and so don't communicate them as clearly and directly as you could?

Here is a simple process to better listen to your feelings and to better communicate with significant people in your life:

First of all, practice encouraging yourself to allow all your feelings to make themselves known to you so you can hear the important messages that those feelings are trying to tell you.

If you're not used to expressing your feelings, then start by building your emotional literacy through asking yourself the following question whenever you have a feeling come up:

'Which of 5 categories does THIS specific feeling fit into?'

MAD – SAD – BAD - GLAD or AFRAID

Or, "is this feeling a mixture of feelings? From which categories?"

After you find a word to describe your feeling, ask yourself,

"What is the message this feeling is telling me about what I want right now?"
Some examples might be:
Physical needs food, exercise, air, touch, water, rest, warmth
Security needs safety, protection, stability, boundaries
Interdependence needs community, family, affection, and trust
Self-esteem and integrity needs: respect, appreciation, acknowledgement, achievement, responsibility, authenticity
Personal fulfillment needs: freedom, autonomy, fun, play, celebration of accomplishments/ grieving losses
Spiritual needs: Beauty, order, connection with nature, harmony, inspiration

After you identify what it is you're wanting, ask yourself,
"Do I need to change what I'm doing or what I'm thinking to get what I want?"

For example, did you need to appreciate yourself more to get your need for acknowledgement met OR OR...did you need to apologise OR hang up the phone to get your need for respect met? Or, did you need to shift your attitude to be gentler on yourself and be easier with your expectations?

Let's look at some common examples of the messages of feelings:

1. FEAR says 'Get Prepared'.

2 ANGER says 'Something is NOT right!' A value you hold has been violated. You need to protect or restore something.

3.GUILT says "I didn’t uphold my own standards or my image of myself. I need to either change my standards or change what I'm doing to come in line with my values."

4. SHAME says "I'm angry at myself for violating my own standards or values. What do I need to put right?"

5. SADNESS says: "I have lost something. What do I need to let go of or what loss do I need to mourn?"

Once you've identified what it is you're feeling and what it is you want, then you will be better able to communicate clearly with another.

When a significant other has any difficult feelings arise in response to you expressing your own feelings and needs, always remember that his or her reaction is only an expression of his or her needs. If you hear anger or hurt as merely an expression of an unmet need, then you will be less likely to take any emotional reaction personally.

Realise that others' feelings are merely signs of their own needs. If you can assist them to get those needs met, then you can help them to find peace and happiness again.

I applaud you in your committment to more conscious relationships. Your own happiness and the happiness of those close to you will be greatly affected by your efforts.

If you'd like any assistance with this process, I offer
private communication coaching sessions. Contact me directly to inquire on 525 4008 or sally@sallymabelle.com

Source: How To Better Connect in Your Relationships

The Grass IS Greener where YOU are!

Sat, 23 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Why is it that when I google 'books on happiness' I get, 34,700,000 results!
If I just google the word 'happiness', I get 78,000,000 results. It's obviously a hot topic.

Everyone keeps searching for happiness and obviously a lot of people haven't found it yet!
Do you ever get the feeling that you 'should' be somewhere else or with someone else, doing something else, perhaps 'bigger' and 'better'? That's a common feeling which keeps you from fully enjoying your OWN life as it is NOW.

Do you want to 'be somebody' or to do 'something significant'? How much of your current life are you passing over and taking for granted? Are you missing the preciousness of this moment NOW always in pursuit of something better tomorrow?

As an example, when I lived on the east coast of the United States, I used to dream of living in Hawaii. When I actually moved to Hawaii and had luxuriated in the sun and the sea for about a year, I began to miss the seasonal changes of the east coast and miss my extended family. When later, I moved to New Zealand, there was the promise of new life, new work, and a new adventure. Within several months however, when Auckland's rainy winter set in, I desperately missed the warmth of Hawaii.

When I had a full-time job, I used to dream of the freedom of self-employment. Now that I'm self-employed, I sometimes miss the steady salary and social connectedness of full-time employment. When does it stop? When does the wanting something other than we have stop?

Are you playing 'the waiting' game…constantly waiting for 'bigger and better'?
What if you decided to stop playing that game once and for all and to fully appreciate where you are NOW. How would you do that?

Marci Shimoff, motivational speaker and author of the 2008 book, 'Happy for No Reason', says that for most of us, happiness comes from having good relationships, success in our careers, financial security, or using our skills and talents to their fullest. It's the pleasure we get from having healthy things we want in our lives.

A more solid, secure level of happiness has nothing to do with these external things. True happiness is a neurophysiological state of well-being that isn't dependent upon anything external. If conditions change or are lost, then for most of us, our happiness goes too. But what if you were happy for no reason?

Marci gives us the image of happiness being the 'string' in a necklace. Imagine that our 'beads' in the necklace were our experiences. Some beads are 'positive' and some more 'challenging' or what we might think of as negative. If our foundation or constitution, or the string in the necklace analogy is 'happy', then no matter what kind of beads, or how many beads we have on that string, we’ll be happy.

Our inner experience, which is the string that runs through them all, is ultimately what is creating our happy life.

I'm reminded of a famous quote by American novelist and short story writer, Nathaniel Hawthorne He reminds us, "Happiness is as a butterfly, which when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

I heard another quote recently that follows this same theme: 'The bud of a rose is just as beautiful as the full bloom'…in other words, 'smell the roses along the way'…don't keep waiting to enjoy life at only at what you judge to be the 'full bloom' stage.

What if you took the attitude that you are ALREADY the star of your life…the main actor in your very OWN academy-award winning film… the main character in your Pulitzer-prize winning novel….. What if Paradise is not somewhere else (like in Hawaii) but ALWAYS exactly where you are at the moment. How different would your life be then?

So how do you begin to embrace your life NOW as it is?
I'll offer you two simple strategies which are NOT new…but which you cannot hear often enough! Those two strategies are GRATITUDE and MEDITATION.
One specific routine I've established with my son for the past few years is to ask him to say out loud three things he is grateful for before he goes to sleep at night. It's become a ritual which affirms for us that no matter what's going on in our life, we can always find at least three things to be grateful for. When he's had a 'bad' day, he can at least manage to say, "I'm glad I have a bed, I'm glad I have a roof over my head, and I'm glad I'm going to sleep now."

I recommend you try the 'three gratitude' exercise every night or every morning or both
And see how your attitude starts changing about your life.

The second tool is meditation. By meditation,
I'm not talking about some 'holier than thou' type of rigorous practice. I am talking about the simple act of sitting still and allowing yourself to open to your authentic self behind your everyday personality...opening to the self which is your human 'being-ness'.

There are many styles of meditation that I've tried, and I find the simplest one is merely closing the eyes and observing the gentle rise and fall of the breath, known to some as Insight Meditation or Vipassana.

Focus attention on your heart area and observe the subtle motion of expansion and release of your breath. It can be helpful to inwardly say to yourself. 'in' and 'out' as you watch the flow of your breath.

If you find yourself being distracted by some other pain or irritation or sensation, merely notice it and name it. For instance, if you notice your jaw feels tight, you might say, 'clenching, holding, tightening' or whatever sensation is presently rising.

You might feel your back aching, and you name the feeling, 'aching, aching, burning, burning, pulling, pulling, tightening, tightening', etc. What you will notice is that the dominant sensation will continually change and shift. The focus of your attention can rest on the dominant sensation, and when that fades away or shifts, gently return your attention to the breath, 'in, out'. You might then, for instance, become aware of someone rustling a paper, so you inwardly say, 'rustling, rustling'.

It's important to notice while meditating that the one doing all this observing, namely YOU, does not change and shift. YOU are always the same...it's your thoughts and sensations that constantly shift and change, not YOU.

As you continue this process, even for as little as five or ten minutes, a sense of peace, calm, and clarity begins to come into your awareness, even in the midst of stressful outer circumstances.

It is from this space that your most inspired and authentic self will voice itself.

Throughout the day, practice noticing yourself, that YOU behind all of the surface activity, the observer, the ONE that never changes. The one that is solid and steady and sure. This is your authentic self. This is the self that will guide you to more authentic activities and relationships. This is the self which is happy right where it is with whatever is happening on the outside.

This is the self that knows that the grass IS greener right here, right now and is enjoying the green pasture of the moment.

So, I encourage you to commit to appreciating your life as it is now, and to expressing gratitude and finding quiet times for meditation.
May we all fully enjoy our green grass here in New Zealand :-)

Source: The Grass IS Greener where YOU are!

The Key to Successful Relationships

Tue, 05 May 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Have you ever had your mouth washed out with soap? That's what my mother did once when I talked back to her.
"If you can't say anything nice," she said, "don't say anything at all."
When I was angry, I soon learned to express myself in less direct ways. I was sometimes sneaky…I hid her favourite necklace in a little pink and white striped jar in the bathroom with the pink plastic roses in it…I secretly delighted in my revenge when I heard her yell out when she couldn’t find it.
“Where’s my necklace?!!” I gloated in silence.
When she started being 'nice' to me again, I put her necklace back in its place.

These patterns of unhealthy expression of our feelings start early in life…our conditioning stays with us unless we make conscious efforts to change it.

Have you ever held in your feelings?
Have you ever held them in so long you felt sick?
Have you ever talked negatively about someone behind their back because you didn’t have the courage to speak to them directly?
Have you ever felt no one was listening to you?
Have you ever overreacted and then later regretted it?

If you’re like me...and like most people, you answered yes to those questions.

And because most if not all of us have answered yes to those questions,
I believe 'Communication' is one of the most important topics we could talk about.

The quality of our communication deeply affects our lives on many levels: our self-esteem, our relationships, our career success, and ultimately, our own health and well-being as well as the well-being of everyone else around us.

Most of us did not grow up with positive role models who demonstrated to us conscious, responsible, heartfelt communication – Now, as adults, we have the opportunity to honestly admit our inadequacy,not out of shame, but out of the honest acknowledgement that we simply did not learn how to express ourselves well. We don’t blame our parents or teachers since they also did not know how to express themselves well and they weren’t taught either.
But we can be the ones to change the pattern of generations.
As we evolve in consciousness, we are wise to seek new and better ways to resolve conflicts, share, and connect with one another.

My intention in this article is to share a simple 5-step process you can use to speak up more clearly and directly without offending others.

I like to remember the process with a mnemonic or memory-enhancing phrase...
Beware or Feelings Will Really Rule!...BFWRR
B stands for Behaviour
F stands for Feeling
W stands for Wants
R stands for Request
R stands for Results
Let’s walk through a couple examples.

The first example is when someone is interrupting you over and over again when you’re trying to get something done.
Step 1: B - The first step is to notice the Behaviour that is triggering an uncomfortable feeling inside you. Share your observation about that behaviour, with the other person. It’s an objective statement that is factual – no evaluation or interpretation added.
“I notice that you’ve asked me several questions over the past few minutes.”
Step 2: F Express the Feeling that is triggered in you in response to that behaviour:
For example, “When you are asking me the question, I feel irritated” (notice, no blame…just owning the feelings that are triggered)

Step 3: W State your Want
For example, “I’m really wanting to get this report done as my deadline is tonight, and I’m also wanting to help you out with what you need.

Step 4: R Make a specific Request
For example, “Will you sit down with me tonight after dinner to discuss your questions then?”

Step 5: R Communicate the positive Result you anticipate if the person grants your request.
For example, “I think we’ll both be happier because I can then give you my undivided attention and I’ll finished my report then.”
By using this process, you are more apt to get a positive response and get your needs met than if you either
a…blew up at the person in frustration or
b…held in your anger and felt resentful

Ex. 2:Phone calls not returned:
Step 1: B - Behaviour - notice and acknowledge the behaviour of someone that is triggering you …this is FACT, not judgment or opinion.
For Example: I notice you didn’t return my call

Step 2: F - Feeling –Notice and name the feeling that is present for you and communicate that.
For example, When you didn’t return my call, I felt insecure and lonely

Step 3: W- Want - Identify your want or need and express what it is to the other person
For Example: I really want a sense of connection and mutual support

Step 4: R - Request - Make a request of the other person.
For example: Would you be willing to respond to my calls more quickly in the future?

Step 5: R- Result Communicate the positive result you anticipate if the person grants your request. For example, ‘If you return my calls more quickly, I would feel much more connected to you and feel more of a sense of belonging and teamwork.

So, I encourage you to practice this 5-step process until it becomes second nature.
It may feel awkward at first since none of us were really taught this stuff at home or at school, so be gentle with yourself. Practice makes perfect.

I wish you success with all your current and future relationships.
May you find the courage to express your authentic self and create the kind of connection with others we all want in life.
I invite you to consider yourself a leader in a movement of conscious communication.
If we all practice more awareness when we communicate, we can all begin to transform our world, bit by bit... one conversation at a time.

Source: The Key to Successful Relationships

Speaking with Humour: How to Be Funny!

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Last weekend, I attended a workshop with Geoff Dolan on how to be 'humorous'as a speaker. Geoff is a member of Con Artists group and regulary work as an entertainer, comedian, and emcee.

My biggest fear in attending the workshop is that I would discover that I didn't have the natural talent to be funny, yet I came away with the reassurance and confidence that I COULD be funny and so can most people.

As part of the workshop, each participant had to get up in front of the group of about 25 people and tell a joke. Geoff encouraged us to used different voices for the different character in the joke as well as to use lots of body movement, gestures, facial expressions, and accent changes where possible. All of these nonverbal effects would add to our humour and make us funnier as speakers.

So why did all of us 25 speakers want to be funny? According to Geoff, it's the hardest element of speaking to teach and also the most difficult to successfully deliver.
To reinforce his point, he asked us to name 20 NZ COMEDIANS and then to name 20 famous comedians from any country. Try it. It's not easy!

We all know that a speaker who is humourous is so much more engaging than one who is not.

Laughter makes uncomfortable situations more comfortable.
It is cathartic; it encourages an individual to purge their problems and painful emotions through the joy of laughter.

Laughter aids memory also and helps focus as it keeps people engaged and anticipating the next funny moment. The audience members will discuss fun moments long after an event and this encourages reincopration of the information that was originally conveyed.

Also, there are the documented therapeutic benefits of humour. All the more reason to strive to be funny!
Dr. Lee Berk and fellow researcher Dr. Stanley Tan of Loma Linda University in California have been studying the effects of laughter on the immune system. To date their published studies have shown that laughing lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexion, and boosts immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies. Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produces a general sense of well-being. To see more details of their study, see http://www.holisticonline.com/Humor_Therapy/humor_therapy_benefits.htm

Geoff listed the 'key elements' of comedy as:
Timing
Energy
Characterisation
Accents
Reading the crowd (to see how open and ready are they for your humour and how far can you go)

Other important points to keep in mind regarding being funny are:
Being mindful to be open to the surrounding atmosphere and taking in all that is going on is very important.

Being able to reincorporate information previously used by other speakers is important.

General knowledge and current affairs awareness is important.

Life itself is funny and not trying too hard is important.
Telling a life story honestly will often bring the most natural and memorable humour out.

Personalising a standard joke always works better than just cracking a funny.

Finding your open and willing targets in an audience is important.

Reading people and making a mental note of those that seem “afraid” or stand-offish is important

He encouraged us to be honest about our strengths and to discover what particular form of comedy that we were stronger in.

Some suggestions he gave us in developing our humour were:
• Keeping a file of gags as you receive them
• Making sure you know your audience
• The better you know the audience, the greater permission you'll have to 'push the envelope'
• Innuendo is fine
• Swearing is generally bad
• Be ready to be told every bad joke you have ever heard by audience members who come up to talk with you after your successful session.

Geoff told us he googled 'types of comedy' and discovered there were 29 different types!

To begin developing your comedic talent, Geoff recommended practicing simple jokes.

I told a joke which got a good laugh from the audience which was thrilling.
Geoff recommended that the next time I tell it, I tell it as if I was the character in the joke and that the story really happened to me. The audience will play along and realise
I'm just being funny rather than take me seriously, but it will engage the audience if I tell it as if I were telling a personal story.

So, last night, when I got together with my extended family, guess who was the centre of attention telling jokes?..That's right…yours truly. Granted they were a 'warm' and 'easy' audience, but their laughter at the end of each joke I told continued to fuel my fire to keep going.

Who's got a good joke to share with me?
I'd love to hear your best ones or get your links to good joke sites.
Here's a link to one site to inspire you…there are countless others to explore,
So have fun and keep me posted ☺

http://www.squarewheels.com/jokes/trainjokes.html

Source: Speaking with Humour: How to Be Funny!

The Courage to Voice Yourself: ( One Person’s Radical Transformation Story)

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

It's not in every voice class I teach where a 'Bob' transforms into a 'Sarah', but that is exactly the radical transformation that happened.

It's expected in all my classes that students will report feeling more confidence in expressing their authentic selves, but one student mustered up a particularly noteable degree of courage. I interviewed the new 'Sarah LaMont' just a couple weeks ago, and here is her story.

Born in the early 40's, Bob Stanton (little 'Bobbie') grew up in Christchurch and described himself as a very lonely boy with few friends or social skills. Bob first noticed he had an interest in crossdressing when he was seven years old, although he didn't discover the term until he was in his mid-teens.
His first memory of this yearning was wanting to wear white ankle socks just like the girls at his primary school.

Stealing female clothes from clotheslines happened more often than Bob cares to remember and he often wore panties under his shorts which made him feel much happier.

It wasn't until he was 17 that his mother discovered his female clothing in a suitcase in his closet and wanted him to go see a doctor to 'fix the problem'. Bob told her it would never happen again, and fortunately, his mother didn’t push the issue. In those days,
shock treatment was a common treatment for people who demonstrated a propensity to wear clothes of the opposite sex.

Bob tried to suppress his desire to crossdress, but it continued to be a hidden compulsion all the way through his twenties and thirties and into his marriage. In the end, his wife left him because of his 'problem'.

When Bob signed up for my singing class, he hoped to learn some techniques that would assist him to be a more relaxed and more competent singer.

After the first night when the ice was broken Bob/aka Sarah felt better able to express herself in a more relaxed and effective manner. Her demeanour became more positive and focussed and she was inspired to raise her performance to a higher level. Sarah "came out" and so did the latent singing skills that were always there but had struggled to materialize until then.
"Attending singing classes was ground breaking for me." says Sarah. I found it so enjoyable that I really looked forward to each Wed night. Sally inspired my self-confidence and self-belief so much that on the third night of our seven night program I approached Sally before the lesson and told her I was 'transgendering' from male to female and asked her if I could attend the final night as a female. Sally responded by inviting me to attend all of the remaining nights of the class series as Sarah.

Driving home that night I had tears in my eyes, Sally and the other singers were so supportive and encouraging and I could not wait till the next Wednesday.

"Coming out" within the class was a major achievement as Sarah and I benefited immensely as a result. Now, I am fully living as my 'new' self and no longer go by 'Bob' or dress as a man. Although my own family disowned me at first, several of them have begun to open up to me and accept me as I am. I am so much happier now that
I can live openly as Sarah and express my authentic voice all the time."

Sarah's new enthusiasm and energy are so apparent. She says she's decided that her 'new' age is 54 although, biologically, 'Bob' is 68!
Sarah loves singing and performing and bought a great Karaoke system which she
Practices with often.

It is so rewarding to see a student begin to blossom and open up in their self-expression.
Although other students do not outwardly transform as radically as 'Bob' did,
there is still a wonderful freedom and energy that comes from daring to express your authentic voice in every case.

Here's to more authentic self-expression for all of us – and to all of us creating more freedom and safety for everyone to be themselves always.

Opportunities to practice voicing yourself are coming up beginning this Wednesday:

6th May: Speaking with Confidence and Authenticity
Learn tools to clearly and expressively communicate your authentic self. Speak with authority and confidence Expand your presence and poise in the midst of stress. Make a difference as you fully share your passion with the world. Learn specific exercises for projection and articulation so you can be clearly heard.
What the program includes
Learn specific exercises for projection and articulation so you can be clearly heard. Overcome barriers to expressing your authentic self. leaders, entrepreneurs, solo practitioners, counselors, managers, and anyone who wants to speak and relate with more presence, confidence, humour, and authentic connection for personal and business success.
This is suitable for
leaders, entrepreneurs, solo practitioners, counselors, managers, and anyone who wants to speak and relate with more presence, confidence, humour, and authentic connection for personal and business success.

16-17 May - Call Out Your Inner Writer: thoughts that roar, words that singAccess your creative juices and open up to writing with power, delight and meaning,Parnell Community Centre. For info, see http://www.lindseydawson.com/events-seminars.htm

20 May: The Three R's of Singing

This program focuses on techniques to allow you to fully open up and free your voice and to assist others in doing the same.
Learn and master specific techniques to bring out your full natural voice singing potential and replace any inhibitions around singing with a sense of fun and joy.
Develop a confident self-expression and authentic singing voice.

7:30-9:30pm, South Pacific College of Natural Therapies, 8 Arthur St, Ellerslie, email sally@sallymabelle.com or call
525 4008 to register.
Investment: $40

Source: The Courage to Voice Yourself: ( One Person’s Radical Transformation Story)

Baby! Now THAT's what I'm TALKIN' about!

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:00:00 -0700

"Baby! Now that's what I'm talkin' about!"

This was the grateful exclamation of one thigh-high six-year old girl named Holly yesterday when I handed her her 'brain food'. The comment was one you might hear from a tough macho man type of guy - coming from a tiny six-year old girl with a husky voice, it was hilarious!

I was handing out the morning popcorn which they all call their 'brain food' in Room 3 at Reremoana School in Manukau yesterday right after I led their 'feelings circle'.

This school was quite unique in that they are really working sensitively with the children in teaching them emotional intelligence from a young age. Each child starts the day by saying how they feel.
One boy named Sheridan shared, 'I feel happy because my fish had twenty-two babies' then followed with 'but I feel sad because they might die now that winter is coming'. One girl named Victoria shared, 'I feel happy because my tooth is loose'. (Later that day, the tooth actually fell out and became a huge celebration in the class! Another girl, Tina, also had a tooth fall out about an hour later!)
Teeth falling out is BIG excitement around age 6 or 7 :-)
Another girl shared, 'I feel sad because my brother is sick today'
and another boy shared, 'I feel happy because Luke is coming to play at my house today and Taine is coming over to play tomorrow!'
Feelings were mostly happy with a few sad and angry sprinkled in.

Another way the school supports the children is by playing classical music between periods as opposed to the typical school bell.
When children hear the violin concertos and symphonies being played over the loud speaker, they know it's time to come in from playtime
back to class. What a pleasant contrast to the norm which is an ear-piercing, soul-jolting buzzer or burglar-alarm sounding bell.

I'd love to hear of any other new developments in schools that you know about which are supporting a gentler way of educating our children beyond academics to be fully human, emotionally and artistically sensitive beings. Please send your good stories to me at
sally@sallymabelle.com.

Source: Baby! Now THAT's what I'm TALKIN' about!

What would Life have you Do?

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0700

'Where would you have me go?'
'What would you have me do?'
'What would you have me say? and to whom?'

These are the questions Marianne Williamson, internationally acclaimed spiritual teacher, suggests we ask throughout the day. She talks about the fact that we don't have to make any decision alone...we can always ask 'God'.

I sometimes wince when people talk about 'God' and 'him. Now, I just translate the word 'God' into 'Life'. The term 'Life' applies to ALL people of ALL faiths. My friend Anna Cowan inspired me to call 'it', 'him' or 'her' by the name 'Life'. She is often reminding me that 'Life loves me' and that I can always ask 'Life' for guidance. Whether you call it 'Life' as Anna does or 'God' as Marianne does or 'Light' as personal development pioneer, Shakti Gawain does in her book 'Living in the Light' or 'higher self' as others call it, we all have 'it' to call upon as we navigate through our daily lives.

Jerry Jampolski, holistic psychiatrist,in his book 'Teach Only Love' talks about making decisions by paying attention to 'Peace'. He says whenever you are faced with a choice to make, simply move in the direction of 'Peace' and the decision will reveal itself. Which choice brings more peace? If you follow the sense of Peace inside yourself, that choice will become clear in time. This attitude takes out much of the angst in decision-making.

Following 'Life' is not to say that we can relinquish all responsibility in making decisions. Personally, I like to journal, write pro-con lists and to talk about big decisions before I make them. I remember when I was facing the decision to stay on the east coast of the states, where I was living at the time OR to move back to Hawaii. I did my pro-con lists, then watched what Life offered me as feedback. I was offered teaching jobs in both Kauai, Hawaii and Lancaster, Pennsylvania. When I visited the school in Pennsylvania with my family, we felt many 'clunks' inside...such as no health food store in the area, no apparent alternative practioners, no beach, no ocean, and a general 'feel' that the area was a bit depressed.
When we looked at pictures of Kauai, we felt exhilerated, happy, and
excited. We noticed also that we started playing Hawaiian music in our house and really liking it. We also noticed that my partner's boss was in the process of letting him go which freed him up to move.
We also noticed that there was a great special on airfares to Kauai happening. We noticed that there was a great deal on a house on Kauai where we could rent out an attached unit to pay for the mortgage. Basically, the decision to move to Kauai revealed itself one step at a time without us having to force it.

Likewise, when we were living on Kauai five years ago, the decision to move to New Zealand happened easily as well. The Steiner school that my son was attending and where I was teaching was sold to a larger private school on the island. I was unemployed and my partner really wanted to move to New Zealand. It just so happened that New Zealand had a registered teacher shortage at the time and it was easy to find Steiner schools who needed teachers. I interviewed with two schools on the phone and it just so happened that the very next week, my friend Ursula called me to let me know she was going to New Zealand in one week due to a super cheap special airfare. I noticed I called up to book myself on the flight with her. In another week, I was interviewing in person at schools in Wellington, Hamilton, and Auckland. I was offered two teaching jobs, and I accepted the one in Auckland. So, two weeks later, our whole family was moving to New Zealand...the decision had revealed itself naturally in perfect timing.

So, next time you're faced with a decision from 'what to cook for dinner' to 'where to move' or 'which job to take' or 'which direction to go in', try asking yourself the question
'What would Life have me do?'

I guarantee it will take the pressure off YOU and help you to feel that you have a special, supportive partner there by your side, right inside yourself, speaking through your own intuition...that partner is Life :-)

Source: What would Life have you Do?

Are You Sounding Your Note?

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Last night, I attended a fascinating talk called 'The Sonata of the Master Musician' by William Meader. Meader, a former California-based psychology professor turned esoteric teacher from Oregon is author of the book, 'Shine Forth: The Soul's Magical Destiny'. I thought I was going to a lecture on 'sound therapy' and scientific research about sound but instead I was met with something much different: a profound discussion on the importance of 'sounding my note' in the world, or what I call 'expressing my authentic voice' or 'expressing my authentic self'.

Meader spoke of sound in the larger sense. He pointed out that in the Christian tradition, sound created the world...'In the beginning was the word...' Everything manifested through sound or vibration. In Hinduism, he reminded us that Lord Brahma 'sang' the world into creation. The bottom line is that sound is the vibrational force which leads to all manifestation. Everything we do in life is vibrational.

Meader gave the analogy of us all being 'atoms of consciousness' each contributing to the greater human orchestra - each of us has as our purpose to 'sound our note' in contributing to the greater planetary song. He talked about each soul sounding a unique note, a unique vibration. Our journey here on earth is towards becoming the 'note' of our soul.

He likened our personality to a dissonant note, the note of our lower selves. Our journey towards finding our 'soul note' or higher vibration is what life is about. He talked about heartfelt service as well as various practices to purify ourselves as being two specific actions we can take to 'resonate' more with our higher self or 'soul note'. Purification could be on the mental level through meditation, the emotional level through clearing any blocks, and on the physical level through healthy diet and exercise.

Meader pointed to an interesting study by NASA done about 20 years ago. A Nasa satellite recorded the actual sound that the earth emitted. The sound the Earth emitted had the same pattern as the sound made by Tibetan monks chanting the 'Om'.

Also, Meader talked about 'The Voice of the Silence', pointing to Intuition as a subtle, high vibration sound. The higher the sound, the more subtle. Intuition, then, is a very high note that is not audible with the ears, only with inner hearing.

As Meader talked about sound, I was reminded of my Steiner teacher training at Rudolf Steiner College and Taruna College. Rudolf Steiner, the Austrian philosopher and founder of the first Steiner school in the world, talked a lot about the importance of sound as well as intuition as a spiritual path. His school system is now the largest and fastest-growing independent school movement in the world. (see waldorf world)
Steiner also was influential in developing a new school of speech therapy and drama and emphasized the importance of teachers developing their voices in order to create the most beneficial environment for their students. He knew that the teachers 'bathed' their students in their voice vibrations through their speech. The quality of that vibration could promote health or disharmony in the students. He also created a new form of movement called 'Eurythmy' which is also known as visible speech.

When I attended a voice and sound weekend with Chris James, he emphasized the importance of taking responsibility for our 'vibration', and he didn't mean our voice. He said that when we walk into a room, we carry with us a vibration that is palpable. He asked us to pay attention to what vibration we were emitting as we walked into a room. We can profoundly impact a place just by how we're being or the silent 'note' we're sounding.

When Chris James asked us that question, I realised that when I am angry or irritable I actually negatively impact the space and the people around me. When I feel peaceful and happy, I positively impact the space and the people around me. I used to think I could get away with being angry 'in private', not thinking that my 'note' was sounding loud and clear even though I would hold it in and not say a word.
Who we ARE IS our note...who we are BEING is the sound or vibration or resonance we are toning. Sound is much MORE than what is physically audible.

So, I leave you with the question with which William Meader began his
talk...Are you sounding your note? If so, good on you as they say in New Zealand OR good for you, as they say in the States.
If not, how can you move in the direction of sounding a purer, higher soul note? Everyone's answer will be different.
I'd like to hear yours.

Let's all polish and sound our true notes and create a great harmony 'in tune' with the cosmos.

Source: Are You Sounding Your Note?

How Expressing Your Anger Can Make You Healthier

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0700

"So how many of you think that we would all be better off without Anger?"
This is the question I asked a group of about 30 12 year-olds at Kedgley Intermediate School in Papatoetoe last week in an 'anger management' class. About half the group raised their hands.

I asked what was it they didn't like about anger, and I got these answers:
"You could hurt someone."
"You could kill someone."
"It hurts people's feelings."
"It gets you in trouble"

I asked the other half of the class what is was that they liked about anger and got these answers:
"You can protect yourself if someone is bullying you."
"You can get revenge."
"You feel powerful."

According to recent Harvard University Study, recently mentioned in an article in the New Zealand Herald showing your anger is key to a successful work and home life. The Harvard study of Adult Development found that those who repress their anger are three or more times more likely to report they have disappointing personal and career lives. Those who express their anger in a constructive way were more likely to enjoy physical and emotional intimacy with their loved ones as well as to be more well-established professionally.

For 44 years, the Harvard study has tracked 824 women and men. Harvard Medical School Professor and Psychiatrist George Vaillant has headed the study himself since 1965.

Professor Vaillant believes that 'positive thinking' when it's to the point of denial of our healthy anger can be quite damaging. So-called negative emotions such as fear and anger are actually crucial for our survival and are inborn protectors.

Certainly uncontrolled anger is destructive, but Vaillant believes that learning the skill of channelling our anger serves a vital role in our health and well-being. A study recently published in the Journal of Social Behaviour and Personality reports that over 55 percent of people believe an episode of anger produced a positive outcome and nearly one third said the angry episode assisted them in seeing their own faults.

So, what anger management techniques do we need to learn to channel our anger in a healthy way?
I'm reminded of the term 'Emotional Intelligence' which was made popular by
Daniel Goleman in his book with that title.
In 2008, I created and ran a workshop in Auckland and Christchurch called 'Interpersonal Excellence' with Jaki George-Tunnecliffe of Fusion Interactive Training.
In that workshop, we emphasized what we consider the critical foundational skill of all
healthy emotional expression: Self-Awareness. This self-awareness of your feelings and sensations and a vocabulary has historically not been considered top priority in our education, neither at home and school.

Things are changing however.
Today, I had the privilege of teaching a conflict resolution class at Papatoetoe North School to 30 9-year olds. This is becoming more and more common as a subject in public schools where values education is getting a bit more attention lately.

I had been barraged by children complaining about teasing and bullying and hurt feelings and theft of pens and pencils for about an hour when I said,
"Stop! Remember, under every hurt feeling, there is always something you need and are not getting. The question to ask yourself is 'what do I need? What does the other person need? Is there a way we can both get what we want with still respecting the other?' “

Once the children were able to identify what it is they needed or wanted and were able to ask for it, the conflict or the tears subsided.

Some of the complaints I heard through tears were,
"He called me fat."
"She called me stupid."
"He pushed me."
"She stood on my toe."
"He took my pen."
"She drank my whole juicee – I told her she could only have a sip."
"She's not allowed to take the teacher's tape!"
"He's reading with the wrong group."
"She got to go first last time – It’s my turn."
"They won't let me play with them."

When there are 30 or more children to one teacher, it's difficult to address everyone's feelings and needs adequately. But, when I did manage to talk one on one to a child to ask them what they wanted, the answer was often one word: "Respect" or "Kindness" or 'Belonging'. I don't think these needs change much for us as adults as we grow up!

Hmmm…just had the idea – what if we start a 'national emotional intelligence' week…OR…perhaps a 'national conscious communication week' here in New Zealand?
There is a HUGE need in our schools to teach this to our children.

A magazine in Berkeley, California, 'Greater Good'is aiming to spread the word about the latest scientific research into the roots of altruism and compassion. It contains articles on conflict resolution, social-emotional learning, parenting, couples communication, and compassion research.

I intend to continue to research and comment on topics along these lines, so if you’re interested in joining me in an ongoing conversation, just subscribe to my newsletter and article updates at sallymabelle.com.

I'd love to hear your 'real life' stories re: conflict resolution, channeling anger positively, and emotional intelligence education in our schools.

Watch this space!

Source: How Expressing Your Anger Can Make You Healthier

Are You Being What You're Wanting?

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0800

"So what do I want?"
This is a question Chris Prime of The Law of Attraction Centre recommends you ask yourself all day everyday to keep attracting what you want into your life.

I recently attended a workshop led by Chris at the St. Columba Centre in Ponsonby. He was reinforcing the principle which as become quite well known in the past couple of years due to the popularity of the DVD and book, "The Secret".

In two words, Chris summed up the 'job description' of the law of attraction as simply this: "Match Vibrations". He was emphasising the point that when we change our vibration, we change our results.

Chris told us one of the best ways to answer the question, 'What do I want?' is to make a list of everything you don't want first. It's often easier for us to identify what it is we don't like in our life than it is to focus on what we do want. Once we identify what it is that we don't want, this helps us to be much clearer about what it is we want. By using this exercise of contrast, we achieve clarity.

So, it was interesting that the evening workshop revolved around 'how to attract your ideal client' and I started practising what Chris suggested...by listing all the things I didn’t want in a client: no shows, lack of commitment, unresponsive to emails or calls, procrastinators, indecisive, unappreciative, inconsiderate, timewaster, nonpaying or latepaying, overly needy, etc...
Then, I created my list of opposites to get clear on what I did want in a client:
they seek me out, are healthy and balanced, reliable, committed, they keep appointments, are professional, responsive, they follow through are clear and decisive, and are ready now to start working with me, etc..

The very next day, after focusing on those positive qualities in a client that I did want,
I received two emails from professional women who wanted to book in to my workshop on 'Conscious Communication: The Key to Successful Relationships'.
Both of the people asked me to send them an invoice so they could pay in advance!
Wow...I like that kind of immediate confirmation :-)
The law of attraction was at work.

Another helpful hint Chris reminded me of was that it is our FEELING state that really counts with the law of attractions. Oftentimes, people can say the words to a positive affirmation, but if they don't FEEL it and BELIEVE it is actually in the process of happening, our desired goal will not be so easily achieved if at all. So, all the 'right words' are not enough.
We need to feel truthful inside ourselves when we say those words. So, for instance, if I say to myself, 'Quality clients are seeking me out now', that does not ring true at a feeling level for me. If, however, I say to myself, 'I love the thought of high quality clients seeking me out now', that IS true at a feeling level. By beginning my affirmation with
the words 'I love the thought of', I bring the statement into a more TRUE feeling vibration within myself and so raise the chances of my manifesting that reality more quickly in my life.

Other phrases which help affirmations to be more true-feeling are ones such as:
'I’m in the process of...'
'I love how it feels...'
'I love the thought of...'
'It excites me..'

All of these phrases help to remove DOUBT which is the major factor which blocks your desires manifesting OR at least slows the process down.

Last year, I heard another Law of Attraction teacher speak in Auckland,
Dr. John Demartini . He added another dimension to the Secret or 'the law of attraction'.
His perspective was that we all need to acknowledge that the abundance already IS, and that we ALL have EQUAL amounts of abundance, just in different areas. Our lives are reflections of our priorities and what we feel is important. So to someone who loves to fish, for instance, his abundance may show up as lots of time to be out on the water fishing. To a mother of five, for example, her abundance may be in lots of love and affection from her children. To a business person, abundance may look like a lot of sales.

This point hit home with me when a friend of mine, who died of cancer last year, attended Dr. De Martini's 'Breakthrough Experience' weekend in New Zealand just before she died. She spoke of how she began to see that the experience of Cancer was such a wonderful blessing in her life.
Dr. DeMartini asked her to write 100 gifts that the cancer had brought her, so that she was focused on the gratitude for the abundance that was present even with Cancer. Some of the things it brought her were more intimacy with family and friends, the ability to allow herself to be cared for when she had been fiercely independent beforehand, and the ability to really know the essence of Life and of her self, when all the outer forms of identity had been stripped away.

So, if you don't know WHAT it is that you want,how about starting with focusing on GRATITUDE for what you already have? If you need a bit of assistance focusing positively, there are plenty of books on 'Gratitude'.
One practice I like to use myself was inspired by reading the book by Esther and Jerry Hicks, 'Ask and It is Given'. If you’re wanting to cultivate a feeling of gratitude, practice brainstorming everything you're grateful for in your life for about 2 minutes straight. Don't edit yourself. Just keep going. List everything that pops into your mind even if it seems silly or small.
Louise Hay, a well-known proponent of gratitude, recommends the book on Gratitude by author and speaker, M.J. Ryan, 'Giving Thanks: The Gifts of Gratitude'. There are plenty of other resources you can find - just contact me if you want some suggestions :-)

Here's to all of us celebrating our abundance and attracting more and more of what we want into our lives. Let’s start by BEING more and more of who we want to be and by being GRATEFUL for what it is we ALREADY have and WHO we already are!

Source: Are You Being What You're Wanting?

Blindly Speaking for Real

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Let's talk. Let’s be real. What people need today more than anything is realness.
This was Tim Noonan's overriding message when he spoke last night to The National Speakers Association of NZ at the Waipuna Hotel in Mt. Wellington, Auckland, on Voice and Public Speaking.
Tim, who has been blind since birth, has had a lifetime of studying voices. His vocal consciousness system emphasizes the importance of blending the warmth from our hearts with the clarity and crispness from our minds when we speak. Tim feels too many people speak only from their heads without really feeling into what they're saying.

Tim reminded us of what communication researcher and UCLA professor, Albert Mehrabian found in his studies: Only 7% of our communication is transmitted in the actual words we speak. 38% of our communication is in our voice, and 55% is transmitted visually through body language and facial expressions.

Tim also noted that Mehrabian found that when the visual component of our communication is not present, such as in media like podasts, CDs, radio interviews and telephone conversations, the importance of our voice more than doubles in significance to comprise 84% of the content of our message. The importance of the actual words also more than doubles to 16% of our message. These statistics underpin the need for us to really pay attention to the quality of our voices.

Tim said that the voice is all about resonance. The voice is an actual physical vibration we can feel - it goes into us deeply when we hear someone speak. He feels we need to listen to our intuition more when we hear someone speak to feel the person and to know whether we can trust them.

If we close our eyes, we can better hear the qualities of warmth, love, and strength, for instance, than when we’ve got our eyes open and are distracted by visual stimulation.

Tim mentioned several other teachers who were passionate about the importance of voice and vocal consciousness: Chloe Goodchild, author of "The Naked Voice", Dr. Louise Mahler, Australian speaker on vocal intelligence, and Dr. Don Campbell, author of
"How to Heal Yourself with Your Own Voice" and Katherine Scott , Canadian teacher of vocal integrity.
He also quoted poet David Whyte on the importance of the authentic voice.

One exercise Tim gave us to practise our expressiveness is to tell a story with our mouths closed, with no words. Then, we must pay attention to the tone of voice, the rise and fall of our pitch, and the changing moods we communicate.

Tim recommended that we also include 'metatalk' in our speaking, where we share our inner thoughts with our listeners spontaneously. This makes for a less structured but more real and spontaneous style, as Tim demonstrated himself. For example, as he was talking about his belief in a free flowing speaking style, he spoke his inner 'sidetalk' outloud by saying something like, "I could probably do with a bit more structure myself". With this 'metatalk', he exposed his vulnerability and some inner conflict about his balance of structure and spontaneity in speaking. As he spoke and continued to expose his humourous slightly self-deprecating inner thoughts, he was giving us all permission to be vulnerable. He made it OK for us to not be 'polished'. He made it OK for us to not put on the appearance of 'having it all together.' As if any of us really do!

Tim told me later that this was his first 'unplugged' presentation he'd delivered for fellow professional speakers and he really wanted to share more complex aspects of his work than for a general audience. He felt he would have liked to have his talk be 'more tight in some areas' but as he was unsure what aspects the audience would most want to hear about, he was continually adjusting the talk as he went, based on audience feedback and engagement.

Tim also gave us the tip to talk aloud more often to ourselves and to notice what we like about our voices. If we can learn to love our own voices, we can then express more love and warmth in our communication with others. Tim modeled a free, lively, and spontaneous way of speaking, stream of consciousness style. At first I found this very uncomfortable to follow, as I was waiting to hear some structure so I could neatly write down all the bullet points of his speech to share with you. Eventually, I realised, however, that striving to find structure was futile. Tim was helping me to break free of the strict controls I've put on myself and others around speaking. I have had a rule I learned that speeches are supposed to be linear and follow a logical progression. Do you have that rule too?
Instead, Tim was giving us all permission to be free to be ourselves completely and authentically in front of an audience, without the need for a polished performance. What a relief!

So many people feel they need to wait until they’re polished to be speakers rather than just offering who they are fully to their listeners as they are. Tim called this freestyle speaking a 'conversational keynote'. The aim is to communicate our humanity more than our cleverness and to create a relaxed, comfortable connection with our listeners.

So, I'm wondering if what I've just written is polished enough OR if it's just perfect because I've spoken about what I remember in a sincere way to share with you something I genuinely found interesting. Better for me to share now when it's fresh in my memory than wait until it's perfectly polished! Perhaps we're all better off to share NOW and not to wait any longer, until we're totally ready. Life, as the saying goes, is NOT a dress rehearsal.

So, what is it you want to share NOW that you think you'll do later when you're more ready? Take the risk to share now, however imperfectly, vulnerably, and passionately. Let the true beauty of your emotional sincerity shine through.

Thank you, Tim for modeling for us the courage to share who we are as we are talking about what we care about :-)

Also, you can check out Tim's article, "Your Voice is Your Business: Tim's Top Voice Strategies for Vocal Brilliance" here...
www.timnoonan.com.au/YourVoiceArticleByTimNoonan.pdf

Source: Blindly Speaking for Real