RyanGarns.com

Podcast: Interview with Sean Hannity

Ryan Garns — 24 Apr 2011 14:00:00 MST

And now it's time to introduce a new feature here on RyanGarns.com: audio podcasts! That's right, we've finally moved into the era of "talkies". This will be a randomly recurring feature consisting of mostly improvised material, usually recorded in an act of desperation and after a few drinks.

I'd also like to point out that I take no responsibility for the poor quality of any celebrity impersonations contained therein. If you don't like it, go watch a Frank Caliendo special. I dare ya.

So without further ado, here's the long-anticipated (that is, about 68 words ago) first podcast...

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A Beta Male's Letter to Penthouse

Ryan Garns — 11 Apr 2011 21:54:00 MST

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought I'd be writing to you, but my story is just too hot to go untold. And when I say "hot", I mean hot. We're talking Bridges of Madison County hot!

I don't ordinarily go to bars, nor do I attempt to solicit beautiful women apart from that time I got a retweet from Felicia Day. Nevertheless, there I was, out of the blue, having a Kiwi Sangria in a local pub. You only live once, right?

And that's when I saw her. A dark-haired, long-legged beauty posing with her back arched against the bar. She was like some erotic warrior queen out of Heavy Metal magazine -- except she was holding an Appletini and wasn't mounting a giant were-bat.

Our eyes met, but I couldn't bring myself to go talk to her. I didn't want to appear like every other guy who goes to a bar and, you know... enjoys talking to women. Besides, I've found that it's always best to let the woman make the first move. This allows her to set the pace, and invariably allows me to get a good night's sleep.

Well, my quiet, manly impotence must have hit her like a thunderbolt, because she soon sauntered my way. "Buy me a drink," she said. What luck! Here was my chance to score big points by showing her A.) I have money, and B.) I'm subservient. Eat your heart out, Justin Timberlake!

As the night went on, I was clearly winning her over. I knew things were going really well when she asked me to hold her purse so she could hit the dance floor. As I watched her grinding her body up against other men on the dance floor, I imagined I was one of them. I became so excited I had to take a few hits from my inhaler. People would walk by and see me standing there holding a woman's purse, and they'd smile and chuckle to themselves. Oh yeah. They knew what kind of a wild night I was in for!

Forty-five minutes later she said, "Okay, Action Jackson. I'm going home." I handed back her purse and asked if anything was wrong. She said no. Then I said, "Well, can I... uh..." I couldn't get the words out, but she knew what I wanted. "Sure, why not," she said. "Come back to my place, stud."

Let me tell you... we stayed up aaallll night long, the two of us, sprawled out on her sofa, overcome by our emotions, as we watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And as you can probably imagine, this led to several more hours of heated passion between us -- debating which was the better of the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan matchups.

But the best part came at the end of the night. She held my face gently in her hands, looked deep into my eyes and said, "Let's be friends."

Booya!

Step one in my plan to win her heart was now complete. It was only a matter of time before she would succumb to step two: consoling her as she tells me her relationship problems with other men.

She will be mine. Oh yes... she will be mine...

-- D.A., Sheyboygan, WI.

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The Garns Delusion: Does Ryan Garns Exist?

Ryan Garns — 27 Mar 2011 13:20:00 MST

Richard Dawkins is an evolutionary biologist, outspoken atheist, and cover model for this year's Scientific American Swimsuit Issue. He has authored many books including The God Delusion and The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution, and is currently working on a new book entitled Charlie Sheen and Other Evolutionary Mutations.

Greetings, fellow rationalists. I've been asked to write a guest commentary on an issue that has been on the minds of RyanGarns.com readers for the last 16 months: does Ryan Garns exist? With this essay, I hope to prove (as would many of Ryan's ex-girlfriends) that he does not exist.

First, let's look at the facts:

Mr. Garns has not written a post on his website since November of 2009.
Mr. Garns has neglected to regularly update his Facebook and Twitter statuses.
Mr. Garns has not returned the movie Extract which he received from Netflix back in August 2010.
Mr. Garns has received numerous unsolicited letters from JCPenney, Publishers Clearing House and the Church of Scientology -- all of which have suspiciously gone unanswered.
Mr. Garns is a registered Independent, which is about as close to being non-existent as you can get.

These facts point to the inescapable conclusion that Ryan Garns does not exist.

Now let's discuss the counter-arguments for the existence of Ryan Garns. Typically they fall into one of three categories: a priori, a posteriori, and a posteriori in a red wine sauce. For example, a typical a priori argument might go like this:

Socrates:	Phaedrus, I want you to think of the funniest blogger imaginable.
Phaedrus:	Okay, done.
Socrates:	Does this blogger exist in real life?
Phaedrus:	No.
Socrates:	Is Ryan Garns the funniest blogger imaginable?
Phaedrus:	Hell, no.
Socrates:	Ergo, Ryan Garns exists!
Phaedrus:	Can I go now?

As you can see, this type of dialectical thinking is laughable, especially when performed by grown men wearing togas. Only a deluded simpleton would think it achieves anything resembling logic.

"But wait," argues the deluded simpleton. "How do I know that you're really Richard Dawkins? Aren't you actually Ryan Garns posing as Richard Dawkins for purpose of this silly blog post?"

If I were, then that would also mean that you're Ryan Garns posing as Richard Dawkins posing as a deluded simpleton for the purpose of asking that silly question.

"Hmm... good point," says the deluded simpleton. "Does this mean we could get sued by the real Richard Dawkins for the unauthorized use of his name?"

Oh. Right. In that case, I am Ryan Garns. Just kidding, folks! I'll be back again soon (hopefully) with more drivel...

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Ryan's Tips for Dealing with Writer's Block

Ryan Garns — 1 Nov 2009 14:10:00 MST

Let's be honest: writing is like passing a gallstone.

Better yet, writing is like trying to politely kick out that lonely bachelor who's always the last to leave after a party.

No... no, wait... actually, writing is like watching a Hayden Christensen movie, where 45 minutes in you begin to think, "On my list of stimulating activities, this ranks just below describing my stool to a doctor."

Well, at any rate, writing is just like something else that humorously illustrates something you don't look forward to doing. There. Happy?

And yet, writing is necessary. Especially if one hopes to be a writer. Oh sure, you could try being a writer without actually writing. But then you'd have to find readers who don't actually read. And that's a very difficult arrangement to find, much less make money at. Unless, of course, you're a Hollywood screenwriter. In which case you're all set, so why are you wasting my time?

What is it about writing that makes it so difficult? Is it the act of typing? No, typing is easy. Type type type. Click click click. Chocolate stupid fart pillow. See? No problem at all.

Perhaps it's having to put your thoughts down on paper that's difficult. That's certainly harder than just typing, but it's still not a real issue. In fact, I'll write what I'm thinking right now:

Hurray for white people!

There, that wasn't so bad.

In reality, I think writer's block is born from the knowledge that someone is actually going to read what you write. Will they like my writing? Will they find it intresting? Will they notice I just misspelled "interesting"? And what the hell have I got to say, anyway? The only good ideas I have are the ones I should probably keep to myself -- like how Schindler's List is actually improved by syncing it to the first Jonas Brothers album.

So, in a way, it's not really your fault that you have writer's block. It's your readers' fault. How dare they read your work! Let's face it: once you start caring about what your readers think, it's all downhill from there. Next thing you know, you'll be rewriting... which is worse than Communism and the Oakland Raiders combined.

But I digress. I seem to recall promising you some "tips" or something like that, right? Okay, so here you go -- some helpful tips on how to work through your writer's block...

Trying breaking the rules! Perhaps the reason you're blocked is because you've allowed your writing to become stagnant and formulaic. If so, try writing something out of the ordinary. Like writing naked on a commuter train. Or replacing all your verbs with the word pork. Or write in human blood. The possibilities are endless!
Commit a felony! I know some writers like If I Did It author O.J. Simpson swear by this method. It may seem obvious, but committing a federal crime is a great way to obtain compelling subject matter as well as generate public interest in your work. Just ask Martha Stewart.
Write a meandering, half-assed, how-to article on tips for dealing with writer's block! I haven't tried this one myself yet, but it seems like something that could work.

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Obama (R) Flavored Kool-Aid (R)

Ryan Garns — 2 Aug 2009 19:25:00 MST

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Study Finds Conservatives Lack Sense of Humor

Ryan Garns — 20 Jul 2009 21:50:00 MST

A recent psychology study from the University of Idle Research has found that conservatives lack a sense of humor when compared to liberals.

"It's something I've always sensed, but needed scientific proof of," says Steve Beshakis, head researcher at the university and political prop comic at Che's Coffee Clutch.

The study gathered a group of human subjects, equally divided along conservative and liberal ideologies, and presented them with the following samples of humor to gauge their reactions:

SNL sketches of Tina Fey satirizing Sarah Palin.
Scenes from Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 ridiculing President Bush.
Excerpts from Al Franken's book Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot.
Comedian Wanda Sykes' monologue at the White House Correspondence Dinner where she ridicules conservatives.

The results of the study showed that 100% of liberals found these jokes to be hilarious, whereas only 20% of conservatives found them funny or mildly amusing.

"There you have it. Proof that conservatives don't have a sense of humor," says Beshakis. "You can't argue with air-tight science like that."

When asked why the study only included jokes that targeted conservatives, Beshakis says, "Because jokes about liberals aren't funny. They're hate speech."

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Hire Me to Revamp the Stimulus Website!

Ryan Garns — 13 Jul 2009 00:20:00 MST

Here's an ABC News video that recently caught my attention. Their main focus was how the government is wasting taxpayers' money on road signs promoting stimulus projects -- up to $3,000 per sign. But the thing that really piqued my interest comes at the very end where Jonathan Karl says the government is spending $18 million to revamp the stimulus website, Recovery.gov.

That's right. $18 million.

For a website.

Like the thing you're looking at right now.

I build websites for a living. I know how much they cost. And I can honestly say that $18 million is waaay too high for a website rebuild.

I can do it for $15 million.

That's right, $15 million. For politicans like Nancy Pelosi who aren't good at math, that's $3 million in savings! Just think of what you could do with an extra $3 million, Nancy. You could use Air Force One as your personal commuter plane 50 times! Or you could buy some eyelids! The choices are endless!

My offer is in earnest, Uncle Sam. Let me rebuild the stimulus website for you. Please look over the following estimate I've prepared. I think you'll find it reasonable and cost-effective...

Item	Cost
Domain renewal (per year)	$11.00
Hosting (Dedicated Server) (per month)	$350.00
Standard web development provisions (Red Bull, Mountain Dew, fully-stocked wet bar, cocaine, mescaline, lobster, prime rib, and Funyuns)	$150,000.00
Purchase PerezHilton.com as a redirect to Recovery.gov. (This will increase traffic enormously!)	$2,800,000.00
Plastic protector for laptop to prevent water damage while coding in a 5-person Jacuzzi	$30.00
5-person Jacuzzi (to validate the cost of the plastic protector)	$13,000.00
5-bedroom Malibu home (to validate the cost of 5-person Jacuzzi and plastic protector)	$7,000,000.00
Porn star Tera Patrick to provide me with hourly "massages" to stave off carpal tunnel syndrome	$5,000,000.00
A "Project Funded by The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act" road sign to place outside my Malibu home while I get handjobs from Tera Patrick in a Jacuzzi and work on the website	$3,000.00
TOTAL ESTIMATED COST (APPROXIMATE)	$15,000,000.00

There you have it: a lean-and-mean estimate for $15 million. I think it's obvious those web developers who quoted you $18 million were just trying to rip you off. And given President Obama's pledge of "responsible" stimulus spending, I think a $15 million price tag will sit better with the American people than $18 million.

I eagerly await your response.

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California Seeks More Celebrity Deaths To Boost Economy

Ryan Garns — 5 Jul 2009 21:20:00 MST

The state of California, crippled with a $25 billion deficit, 11.5% unemployment, and a devastating Simon Cowell contract negotiation, is in desperate need of an economic turnaround. But thanks to the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and other famous icons, the Golden State may have found its golden goose.

Jackson's public memorial service in Los Angeles this Tuesday could potentially attract up to 100,000 people from all over the world. This means huge dollars being pumped into the local economy via hotels, restaurants, gift stores, tattoo parlors, bobblehead shops, etc. In other words, it's an economic godsend. And for a state with a high number of celebrity residents on their last legs, it's a godsend that state officials believe could be repeated.

That is why the California legislature, in hopes of instigating similar revenue opportunities, has proposed the new "Celebrity Death Stimulus" bill. This bill includes the following provisions:

Movie and television actors are now required by law to perform their own stunts.
A repeal of all laws pertaining to celebrity stalkers and restraining orders.
Celebrities enrolled at the Betty Ford Center will be immediately discharged with a complimentary Jack Daniels & Heroin Kit gift basket.
Cosmetic surgery for any celebrity must be performed within a roving "botox van" operated by professionals under a guest worker program.

To quell the concerns of fearful celebrities, the bill also includes an "Aggrandizement Clause". This clause states that any celebrity who dies from this bill is guaranteed a posthumous award (Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, et al) and a three-part special on E! declaring them a "genius" -- no matter how untalented or morally despicable the celebrity. The clause was added after intense negotiations between the state legislature and talent agents from William Morris, ICM and CAA.

Meanwhile, local public reaction to the proposed bill has been mixed, ranging from "This is celebrity genocide!" to "Maybe this will help our economy," to "Can we start with Schwarzenegger?"

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Angry Blog Comments: A Literal Response

Ryan Garns — 22 Jun 2009 00:20:00 MST

One of the pitfalls of writing comedy, apart from attracting copious numbers of women whose hearts must be toyed with to keep them at bay, is that occasionally I'll get readers who simply don't understand irony.

A case in point: a piece I wrote entitled "Abortion: The Green-Friendly Option." The basic premise was to satirize two political ideas (global warming and abortion) so that one "justified" the other, thereby highlighting the stupidity of both. And hilarity, a la "A Modest Proposal" ensued. Or so I thought.

Since then, the article has received several nasty comments from pro-life readers. I certainly don't expect everyone to enjoy my humor, but these people took the article at face value and believed I was actually promoting the idea of offing one's offspring to save the planet. Irony was lost on these people.

So it occurred to me: since these people do not recognize irony, it's logical to assume that their comments were intended to be read without irony. Therefore, I'd like to present a sample of these comments, followed by my strict, literal interpretation of them. Because I'm sure they would have wanted it that way...

From "prolife":

"this website is riduculous. it is absolutely horrible that you think abortions are 'helping the planet'. You people are so crazy. that's like me going and killing all the people i don't like because it's helping the planet..."

Wait a minute... you're killing all the people that you don't like?? Since you didn't say "if I were to kill," I can only conclude that you are, in fact, murdering people! For the love of God, sir, please, DON'T KILL AGAIN!!! How many have you killed? Never mind! I don't want to know! To an experienced killer like yourself, abortion might seem like a horrible way of helping the planet, but your way is no better! Killing people you don't like is wrong, despite your stated belief that "it's helping the planet."

"...i hope you die!! now!!! suck my balls asshole!"

Oh God! Now he's coming after me! What's worse, his statement suggests he wants me to give him oral pleasure AFTER I'm dead! Please, somebody stop this murderous necrophiliac! Before he kills and fucks again!

From "rowan":

"this is sick. if your all so worried about the environment why not kill all the jews or blacks..."

So you recommend killing Jews and blacks? I wasn't aware they were harmful to the environment. Then again, my view of environmentalism is limited. I'm only familiar with Walden, not Mein Kampf.

"...even better why not commit suicide..."

Well, that's just silly. If you committed suicide, who would kill the Jews and blacks?

"or mabey just grow up a little bit and dont get yourself up the duff in the 1st place that would be the the mature and 'green' thing to do."

I can assure you, sir, that I have never gotten myself up my own duff -- a task that would require serious gymnastics. Unless, of course, you meant actress/singer Hilary Duff, in which case similar gymnastics would be required.

"..also think off the hosptital waste due to all the abortions"

I'm afraid I'm still thinking of Hilary Duff. Check back in five minutes.

From "former embryo":

"...show me hard scientific evidence that an embryo isnt alive and i'll laugh at your retarded out look on life..."

Although I don't believe hard scientific evidence exists, I'm intrigued that you would laugh at such evidence if presented to you. Are you in the habit of laughing at science? If so, perhaps I should write up some good "science comedy" in the future. Please check back again for upcoming posts you'll no doubt find hilarious, like "Gravity? I'm Not 'Down' with That!" and "Enough with the Cancer Research Already!"

"...better then that,i'll fuck every guy behind this sick shit with out a condom and then abort the evidence..."

Request accepted. Anyone out there with scientific proof that an embryo isn't alive, please send your findings to:

Gang Bang The Pro-Lifer

P.O. Box 5583

Scottsdale, AZ 85000

Please note that hypotheses are only worth a handjob, and theories are worth a tossed salad with an optional rusty trombone.

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Billy Mays for Waterboarding

Ryan Garns — 9 Jun 2009 22:15:00 MST

Hi! Billy Mays here! Are you tired of Muslim extremists threatening your freedom? Do you wish there was an easy way of extracting information from these fanatics about their next terrorist attack? Well, now there is! It's an exciting new interrogation method called waterboarding!

Here's how it works: you take your average Abu Nutjob, you lay him down on the patented Oxi-Gone^TM Waterboard over a tank of water. You lift the board so that his head is submerged. See that? He thinks he's drowning! Then you just raise the board, and boom! He's singing like a bird! It's that easy!

But wait, there's more! If you act now, you can save this hospital in downtown Baghdad from getting blown up! That's right! An entire hospital! Just think of the savings!

No more pulling out fingernails with rusty pliers! No more cattle prods! No more Geneva Convention! Hey, these are nationless terrorists! The rules don't apply! With waterboarding, it's just "dunk-and-confess"! It's so easy, a child can do it!

(A child is shown waterboarding a terrorist. Child: "Dunk and confess!")

With waterboarding, there's no piece of vital information you can't coerce! Subway bombings! Anthrax scares! Nuclear weapons shipments! Childhood traumas! And when you're done, the Oxi-Gone^TM Waterboard can be folded up for easy storage!

So what are you waiting for? Freedom isn't free! But this complimentary spatula set with every purchase of the Oxi-Gone^TM Waterboard is free! So order now!

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