RyanGarns.com

Ryan's Tips for Dealing with Writer's Block

Ryan Garns — 1 Nov 2009 14:10:00 MST

Let's be honest: writing is like passing a gallstone.

Better yet, writing is like trying to politely kick out that lonely bachelor who's always the last to leave after a party.

No... no, wait... actually, writing is like watching a Hayden Christensen movie, where 45 minutes in you begin to think, "On my list of stimulating activities, this ranks just below describing my stool to a doctor."

Well, at any rate, writing is just like something else that humorously illustrates something you don't look forward to doing. There. Happy?

And yet, writing is necessary. Especially if one hopes to be a writer. Oh sure, you could try being a writer without actually writing. But then you'd have to find readers who don't actually read. And that's a very difficult arrangement to find, much less make money at. Unless, of course, you're a Hollywood screenwriter. In which case you're all set, so why are you wasting my time?

What is it about writing that makes it so difficult? Is it the act of typing? No, typing is easy. Type type type. Click click click. Chocolate stupid fart pillow. See? No problem at all.

Perhaps it's having to put your thoughts down on paper that's difficult. That's certainly harder than just typing, but it's still not a real issue. In fact, I'll write what I'm thinking right now:

Hurray for white people!

There, that wasn't so bad.

In reality, I think writer's block is born from the knowledge that someone is actually going to read what you write. Will they like my writing? Will they find it intresting? Will they notice I just misspelled "interesting"? And what the hell have I got to say, anyway? The only good ideas I have are the ones I should probably keep to myself -- like how Schindler's List is actually improved by syncing it to the first Jonas Brothers album.

So, in a way, it's not really your fault that you have writer's block. It's your readers' fault. How dare they read your work! Let's face it: once you start caring about what your readers think, it's all downhill from there. Next thing you know, you'll be rewriting... which is worse than Communism and the Oakland Raiders combined.

But I digress. I seem to recall promising you some "tips" or something like that, right? Okay, so here you go -- some helpful tips on how to work through your writer's block...

Trying breaking the rules! Perhaps the reason you're blocked is because you've allowed your writing to become stagnant and formulaic. If so, try writing something out of the ordinary. Like writing naked on a commuter train. Or replacing all your verbs with the word pork. Or write in human blood. The possibilities are endless!
Commit a felony! I know some writers like If I Did It author O.J. Simpson swear by this method. It may seem obvious, but committing a federal crime is a great way to obtain compelling subject matter as well as generate public interest in your work. Just ask Martha Stewart.
Write a meandering, half-assed, how-to article on tips for dealing with writer's block! I haven't tried this one myself yet, but it seems like something that could work.

Obama (R) Flavored Kool-Aid (R)

Ryan Garns — 2 Aug 2009 19:25:00 MST

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Study Finds Conservatives Lack Sense of Humor

Ryan Garns — 20 Jul 2009 21:50:00 MST

A recent psychology study from the University of Idle Research has found that conservatives lack a sense of humor when compared to liberals.

"It's something I've always sensed, but needed scientific proof of," says Steve Beshakis, head researcher at the university and political prop comic at Che's Coffee Clutch.

The study gathered a group of human subjects, equally divided along conservative and liberal ideologies, and presented them with the following samples of humor to gauge their reactions:

SNL sketches of Tina Fey satirizing Sarah Palin.
Scenes from Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 ridiculing President Bush.
Excerpts from Al Franken's book Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot.
Comedian Wanda Sykes' monologue at the White House Correspondence Dinner where she ridicules conservatives.

The results of the study showed that 100% of liberals found these jokes to be hilarious, whereas only 20% of conservatives found them funny or mildly amusing.

"There you have it. Proof that conservatives don't have a sense of humor," says Beshakis. "You can't argue with air-tight science like that."

When asked why the study only included jokes that targeted conservatives, Beshakis says, "Because jokes about liberals aren't funny. They're hate speech."

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Hire Me to Revamp the Stimulus Website!

Ryan Garns — 13 Jul 2009 00:20:00 MST

Here's an ABC News video that recently caught my attention. Their main focus was how the government is wasting taxpayers' money on road signs promoting stimulus projects -- up to $3,000 per sign. But the thing that really piqued my interest comes at the very end where Jonathan Karl says the government is spending $18 million to revamp the stimulus website, Recovery.gov.

That's right. $18 million.

For a website.

Like the thing you're looking at right now.

I build websites for a living. I know how much they cost. And I can honestly say that $18 million is waaay too high for a website rebuild.

I can do it for $15 million.

That's right, $15 million. For politicans like Nancy Pelosi who aren't good at math, that's $3 million in savings! Just think of what you could do with an extra $3 million, Nancy. You could use Air Force One as your personal commuter plane 50 times! Or you could buy some eyelids! The choices are endless!

My offer is in earnest, Uncle Sam. Let me rebuild the stimulus website for you. Please look over the following estimate I've prepared. I think you'll find it reasonable and cost-effective...

Item	Cost
Domain renewal (per year)	$11.00
Hosting (Dedicated Server) (per month)	$350.00
Standard web development provisions (Red Bull, Mountain Dew, fully-stocked wet bar, cocaine, mescaline, lobster, prime rib, and Funyuns)	$150,000.00
Purchase PerezHilton.com as a redirect to Recovery.gov. (This will increase traffic enormously!)	$2,800,000.00
Plastic protector for laptop to prevent water damage while coding in a 5-person Jacuzzi	$30.00
5-person Jacuzzi (to validate the cost of the plastic protector)	$13,000.00
5-bedroom Malibu home (to validate the cost of 5-person Jacuzzi and plastic protector)	$7,000,000.00
Porn star Tera Patrick to provide me with hourly "massages" to stave off carpal tunnel syndrome	$5,000,000.00
A "Project Funded by The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act" road sign to place outside my Malibu home while I get handjobs from Tera Patrick in a Jacuzzi and work on the website	$3,000.00
TOTAL ESTIMATED COST (APPROXIMATE)	$15,000,000.00

There you have it: a lean-and-mean estimate for $15 million. I think it's obvious those web developers who quoted you $18 million were just trying to rip you off. And given President Obama's pledge of "responsible" stimulus spending, I think a $15 million price tag will sit better with the American people than $18 million.

I eagerly await your response.

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California Seeks More Celebrity Deaths To Boost Economy

Ryan Garns — 5 Jul 2009 21:20:00 MST

The state of California, crippled with a $25 billion deficit, 11.5% unemployment, and a devastating Simon Cowell contract negotiation, is in desperate need of an economic turnaround. But thanks to the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and other famous icons, the Golden State may have found its golden goose.

Jackson's public memorial service in Los Angeles this Tuesday could potentially attract up to 100,000 people from all over the world. This means huge dollars being pumped into the local economy via hotels, restaurants, gift stores, tattoo parlors, bobblehead shops, etc. In other words, it's an economic godsend. And for a state with a high number of celebrity residents on their last legs, it's a godsend that state officials believe could be repeated.

That is why the California legislature, in hopes of instigating similar revenue opportunities, has proposed the new "Celebrity Death Stimulus" bill. This bill includes the following provisions:

Movie and television actors are now required by law to perform their own stunts.
A repeal of all laws pertaining to celebrity stalkers and restraining orders.
Celebrities enrolled at the Betty Ford Center will be immediately discharged with a complimentary Jack Daniels & Heroin Kit gift basket.
Cosmetic surgery for any celebrity must be performed within a roving "botox van" operated by professionals under a guest worker program.

To quell the concerns of fearful celebrities, the bill also includes an "Aggrandizement Clause". This clause states that any celebrity who dies from this bill is guaranteed a posthumous award (Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, et al) and a three-part special on E! declaring them a "genius" -- no matter how untalented or morally despicable the celebrity. The clause was added after intense negotiations between the state legislature and talent agents from William Morris, ICM and CAA.

Meanwhile, local public reaction to the proposed bill has been mixed, ranging from "This is celebrity genocide!" to "Maybe this will help our economy," to "Can we start with Schwarzenegger?"

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Angry Blog Comments: A Literal Response

Ryan Garns — 22 Jun 2009 00:20:00 MST

One of the pitfalls of writing comedy, apart from attracting copious numbers of women whose hearts must be toyed with to keep them at bay, is that occasionally I'll get readers who simply don't understand irony.

A case in point: a piece I wrote entitled "Abortion: The Green-Friendly Option." The basic premise was to satirize two political ideas (global warming and abortion) so that one "justified" the other, thereby highlighting the stupidity of both. And hilarity, a la "A Modest Proposal" ensued. Or so I thought.

Since then, the article has received several nasty comments from pro-life readers. I certainly don't expect everyone to enjoy my humor, but these people took the article at face value and believed I was actually promoting the idea of offing one's offspring to save the planet. Irony was lost on these people.

So it occurred to me: since these people do not recognize irony, it's logical to assume that their comments were intended to be read without irony. Therefore, I'd like to present a sample of these comments, followed by my strict, literal interpretation of them. Because I'm sure they would have wanted it that way...

From "prolife":

"this website is riduculous. it is absolutely horrible that you think abortions are 'helping the planet'. You people are so crazy. that's like me going and killing all the people i don't like because it's helping the planet..."

Wait a minute... you're killing all the people that you don't like?? Since you didn't say "if I were to kill," I can only conclude that you are, in fact, murdering people! For the love of God, sir, please, DON'T KILL AGAIN!!! How many have you killed? Never mind! I don't want to know! To an experienced killer like yourself, abortion might seem like a horrible way of helping the planet, but your way is no better! Killing people you don't like is wrong, despite your stated belief that "it's helping the planet."

"...i hope you die!! now!!! suck my balls asshole!"

Oh God! Now he's coming after me! What's worse, his statement suggests he wants me to give him oral pleasure AFTER I'm dead! Please, somebody stop this murderous necrophiliac! Before he kills and fucks again!

From "rowan":

"this is sick. if your all so worried about the environment why not kill all the jews or blacks..."

So you recommend killing Jews and blacks? I wasn't aware they were harmful to the environment. Then again, my view of environmentalism is limited. I'm only familiar with Walden, not Mein Kampf.

"...even better why not commit suicide..."

Well, that's just silly. If you committed suicide, who would kill the Jews and blacks?

"or mabey just grow up a little bit and dont get yourself up the duff in the 1st place that would be the the mature and 'green' thing to do."

I can assure you, sir, that I have never gotten myself up my own duff -- a task that would require serious gymnastics. Unless, of course, you meant actress/singer Hilary Duff, in which case similar gymnastics would be required.

"..also think off the hosptital waste due to all the abortions"

I'm afraid I'm still thinking of Hilary Duff. Check back in five minutes.

From "former embryo":

"...show me hard scientific evidence that an embryo isnt alive and i'll laugh at your retarded out look on life..."

Although I don't believe hard scientific evidence exists, I'm intrigued that you would laugh at such evidence if presented to you. Are you in the habit of laughing at science? If so, perhaps I should write up some good "science comedy" in the future. Please check back again for upcoming posts you'll no doubt find hilarious, like "Gravity? I'm Not 'Down' with That!" and "Enough with the Cancer Research Already!"

"...better then that,i'll fuck every guy behind this sick shit with out a condom and then abort the evidence..."

Request accepted. Anyone out there with scientific proof that an embryo isn't alive, please send your findings to:

Gang Bang The Pro-Lifer

P.O. Box 5583

Scottsdale, AZ 85000

Please note that hypotheses are only worth a handjob, and theories are worth a tossed salad with an optional rusty trombone.

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Billy Mays for Waterboarding

Ryan Garns — 9 Jun 2009 22:15:00 MST

Hi! Billy Mays here! Are you tired of Muslim extremists threatening your freedom? Do you wish there was an easy way of extracting information from these fanatics about their next terrorist attack? Well, now there is! It's an exciting new interrogation method called waterboarding!

Here's how it works: you take your average Abu Nutjob, you lay him down on the patented Oxi-Gone^TM Waterboard over a tank of water. You lift the board so that his head is submerged. See that? He thinks he's drowning! Then you just raise the board, and boom! He's singing like a bird! It's that easy!

But wait, there's more! If you act now, you can save this hospital in downtown Baghdad from getting blown up! That's right! An entire hospital! Just think of the savings!

No more pulling out fingernails with rusty pliers! No more cattle prods! No more Geneva Convention! Hey, these are nationless terrorists! The rules don't apply! With waterboarding, it's just "dunk-and-confess"! It's so easy, a child can do it!

(A child is shown waterboarding a terrorist. Child: "Dunk and confess!")

With waterboarding, there's no piece of vital information you can't coerce! Subway bombings! Anthrax scares! Nuclear weapons shipments! Childhood traumas! And when you're done, the Oxi-Gone^TM Waterboard can be folded up for easy storage!

So what are you waiting for? Freedom isn't free! But this complimentary spatula set with every purchase of the Oxi-Gone^TM Waterboard is free! So order now!

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Keith Olbermann Rant Generator

Ryan Garns — 26 May 2009 21:12:00 MST

Did you miss Keith Olbermann's latest tirade on "Countdown"? If MSNBC's feeble ratings are any indication, you're not alone. Never fear! Just read the following Olbermann Rant Template^TM, customize the content where applicable, and voila! You'll be up-to-date on the full extent of Olby-Wan's usual insights...

[Sorry, but this post reads best on the original site. Click here to go to the original.]

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Cat Blogger Says Twitter is Beneath Her

Ryan Garns — 18 May 2009 00:25:00 MST

The Command Center of "The Mittens Chronicles".

Lorem Ipsum, author of the cat blog "The Mittens Chronicles", has announced that she will not be joining online juggernaut Twitter due to what she calls the social media site's "creative limitations."

"I know many bloggers use Twitter as a means of self-promotion, but I just refuse to be part of it," wrote Ipsum in a recent blog post. "The future of publishing funny cat antics online is bright, and I just don't see Twitter being a part of that business model."

Ipsum, 38, who lives alone with 10 cats (all named Mittens), is part of a growing number of bloggers who have the courage to speak out unsolicitedly against things no one gives a shit about.

"[Twitter] is just so... insipid. It's comprised solely of narcissistic idiots who think the world is fascinated by their mundane lives."

So what are Ipsum's plans for promoting "The Mittens Chronicles" in lieu of Twitter?

"I just hired an SEO expert for $3,500 per month to reinvent TMC. We're also going to provide a toolbar for Firefox that pushes to our readers real-time updates... of Mittens. This site is going to be soooo Web 2.0!"

When asked what "Web 2.0" means exactly, Ipsum replied, "It means it's gonna blow your fucking mind, plebeian!"

From The Mittens Chonicles: Live 24/7 web cam of Mittens' litter box...

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Perez Hilton to Vet Supreme Court Pick

Ryan Garns — 11 May 2009 00:25:00 MST

President Obama is under pressure from gay activist groups to select a homosexual to replace the retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. While as of this writing it's uncertain if Obama will heed this request, one decision has already been made: to invite understatedly gay blogger Perez Hilton on the Senate Judiciary Committee to help vet the new pick for "acceptable gayness".

"Homosexuality is a mystery to most of us in the Senate," says Majority Leader Harry Reid. "Unlike those flamers in the House of Representatives, most of us in the Senate lack a sufficient 'gaydar'. Perez Hilton will be a welcome addition to the committee."

Perez Hilton recently thrust himself into the orifice of media attention during the Miss USA 2009 pageant where, as a judge, he asked Miss California Carrie Prejean for her views on gay marriage. Since that time, Hilton has accomplished what many considered to be impossible: toppling Richard Simmons as the leading embarrassment for homosexuals everywhere.

President Obama has stated that "empathy" is an important virtue for a new Supreme Court Justice, and here Reid says Hilton is also ideally suited. "Everyone knows that homosexuals are more capable of empathy than the rest of us, with their roller coaster emotions and casual use of the word 'girlfriend'," says Reid. Click the video below for an example of Hilton's remarkable sense of empathy:

"Clearly, if Hilton can understand the problems of a pop singer with two children in such an emotional way, he can understand the problems of average American citizens," says Reid.

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