RollZero

A Letter About Eggs

Pixelsmith — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Dear British Egg Information Service

First things first. Thank you ever so much for being involved with eggs. I love eggs. I can stare at them for hours on end before getting bored. I have become so familiar with them that I can successfully identify which end is the pointy one with my eyes closed, using touch alone. I can also guess whether an egg is boiled or not boiled with an accuracy rate of almost 50%. This is how much I like eggs.

I am writing to you because I would like to

3D Porn

Murphy Simmonds — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 03:21:00 +0000

80 per cent of the web is flesh coloured. We can't remember where we heard that statistic - probably our own heads - but it tells us that most of the data pinging across the intertubes is filth. Crazy, eh? We wouldn't know. The rudest thing we've ever seen is a drawing of a bra that we did ourselves just now. In fact, you'll have to excuse us for 15 minutes.

A Man Needs a Hat

Pixelsmith — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:22:00 +0000

A MAN needs a hat. I think that's written down somewhere, in the big book of things a man needs to own if he is to be considered a man. A hat, that's one. A watch, there's another. At least one pair of very expensive shoes. And a suit. Multiple suits, for preference. Oh, and some good aftershave. And a nice car. And a firm handshake. I think that's it. That's the complete list.

Mr Kipling's Sex Life

Pixelsmith — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:12:00 +0000

MR KIPLING is bad in bed. This bombshell was dropped during a TV ad break last weekend and the sheer shock of it immediately smashed at least three distinct taboos in my head. It is the fault of an advert for Mr Kipling's Oatibake cakes. You may have seen it. It marks the official debut of Mr Kipling's wife, Mrs Kipling, who reveals at the outset that she is not getting "enough oats". Hilarity ensues as Mr Kipling ignores the double entendre and, being a fictional construct who exists solely to promote cakes, responds by baking a cake.

Internet Everything

Murphy Simmonds — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 01:58:00 +0000

Remember internet fridges? Obviously you don't, because they never really happened, but there was a time when they were being touted as the next big thing. The idea was that your fridge would detect when you had run out of things - like milk - and would automatically order you some more via its always-on internet connection. Hey presto, no more shopping.

iRod, Apple dildo

Murphy Simmonds — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 23:56:00 +0000

Apple should make a dildo. The fancy pants tech giant behind the iPod, iMac, iPhone and now the upcoming iPad has a knack of making stuff we've successfully ignored for years appear utterly essential. We bimbled around like idiots with an actual cassette player until the iPod came along. We carried a text-only WAP-enabled hunk of plastic guff in our pockets until the iPhone made us drool. And we used a stupid old PC until... well, we still use a stupid old PC because we like it when it breaks. Keeps us on our toes.

No More Threesomes

Pixelsmith — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:48:00 +0000

LAST month, I turned into a 30-year-old. This threw up a number of problems, chief among which was the acknowledgement that I am now, irrefutably, an adult and am thus obliged to nod sagely in an interested fashion whenever anybody mentions tax, mortgages, gardening, caravans or children.

I don’t understand anything about children. People mention the hilarious things their kids get up to and the whole conversation swoops frictionlessly through my head, as if a tiny secretary who lives on my eardrum laminates the soundwaves on their way in. I’d better sort that out if I’m to

Segway Killer

Pixelsmith — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 18:04:00 +0000

People. Look at people. Aren't they stupid? Look at the way they move, tottering and waddling about on the long, thick arms that stick out of their arses. Legs, they call them. Big, clumpy limbs, they are, with grotesque parodies of hands stuck on the end of them and horrid clunky elbows halfway down. It's sickening. They're like fleshy tripods with a missing stick. 66 per cent of a meat tripod, topped off by a big lump of nipples, eyes and teeth. Ugh.

Bayonetta

Murphy Simmonds — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 17:27:00 +0000

Bayonetta's got guns on her feet. She also beats angels to death, wears a catsuit made from her own hair and randomly sprouts butterfly wings from her shoulders, but even without those you'd twig that she was mental. Because having guns on your feet is plainly mental.

Games of 2010

Murphy Simmonds — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:36:00 +0000

Remember 2009? No, us neither. We're all about 2010 here, and the fact that we can't decide whether to call it "two thousand and ten", "twenty ten" or "ten past eight" is plunging us into some kind of existential crisis. We're just lying on the floor in the foetal position, munching on hardened chunks of cheese left over from Christmas and weeping softly to ourselves. Not that we can remember Christmas, of course, as it took place in 2009. There's only one way out of this stupor, and that's to get ourselves excited about the gaming delights coming