R.W. Ridley

Lost Days – Post 37 (Win a free laptop!)

R.W. Ridley — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 16:36:38 +0000

: Read a book! Win a laptop computer!

This is the 37^th installment of my new book (launch is in about a week) Lost Days. I hope you’ve been reading carefully because the answer to the qualifying question is in one of the previous posts. Qualifying question for what? For your chance to win a free laptop computer. Click here to read the rules for the drawing. Basically, you read Lost Days for a chance to win a laptop! If you don’t want to read the free online version, it will be available for sale on Amazon next week!. Good luck.

After I caught up on my homework, I went out on the front porch to get some fresh air. The sun was long gone, and there was a chill in the air. I wasn’t exactly dressed for it, but I didn’t care. I folded my arms and sat on the steps.

J-Rob’s truck pulled up in front of the house. The gigantic man extracted himself from the cab, and started walking to the back of the house. When he saw me, he stopped to talk.

“You’ll catch your death dressed like that on a night like this,” he said.

“I’m fine,” I said.

“You should at least have a sweatshirt on.”

I shrugged.

“Crew gave me a good talking to, by the way.”

“What for?” I asked.

“For telling you about the accident. He wasn’t pleased. You ain’t much on keeping secrets are you?”

I chuckled. “I guess not. Doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why because he told you it wasn’t true?” J-Rob said kicking the ground in front of him.

I looked surprised. “You know it’s not true?”

It was his turn to chuckle. “I know he tells people it’s not true.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right, I get it.”

“You get what?” he asked.

I shivered as a gust of wind blew through me. “Nothing,” I said. “Uncle Crew was raised by Bigfoot.”

He took his jacket off and threw it over my shoulders. “Not quite, but close.”

His coat smelled like cigarettes and coffee, but it was just what I needed. I grabbed the lapels and pulled it in tighter.

“You think like everybody else?” J-Rob asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you dress like everyone else, think like everyone else, laugh at all the same jokes?”

“No,” I said. “What’s your point?”

“My point is me and Crew is just like you. We don’t think like everyone else. The difference is they threw us in a hospital because we thought differently. You ever been to one of them… hospitals?”

I shook my head.

“Ain’t no fun,” he said. “When you first get there you try to convince everyone you don’t belong there by converting them to your way of thinking. You know what you believe is 100% ironclad truth. But after awhile, you just want to fit in, so a little at a time you pretend to come around to their way of thinking just so they’ll stop looking at you that certain way and whispering behind your back.”

“So, Uncle Crew…” I started, but J-Rob interrupted me.

“Is just trying to be like everyone else even if he has to pretend.” He started to walk away.

“Wait, don’t you want your coat?” I asked.

“Keep it,” he said. “I got another one.”

He was gone before I could insist. I thought about following him, but it was too cold. I slipped my arms through the sleeves and welcomed the warmth the coat brought, even if it stunk to high heaven. Obviously, J-Rob was not familiar with dry cleaners or laundromats. Mixed in with the cigarette and coffee was the faint smell of body odor. I stuck my hands in my pocket and felt something that I thought was a lighter. I pulled it out and was astounded to see a jump drive. J-Rob didn’t seem like the type that could find the power button on a computer let alone own a jump drive. A voice in my head told me the right thing to do was find him and return the drive, but a louder voice in my head was screaming at me to look at what was on the drive. The screaming voice always wins out in my mind. I pulled myself up and ran up to my room.

Grover was nowhere to be seen so I shut the door and hurriedly turned on my laptop. I stood in front of the computer trying to will it to boot up faster than normal, but instead it seemed to be taking far longer than usual. The login window appeared, and I was so nervous and excited I typed it in wrong twice. I sensed myself getting more and more frustrated so I stopped and collected my thoughts. Slowly and taking great care to hit the correct keys, I typed in the password and opened the Windows desktop. I stuck the jump drive into the USB port and waited for the system to recognize the new drive. Everything was taking twice as long as it usually did. As soon as the system read the drive and allowed me access to it, I opened it to discover one folder with the name “LGC Field Study.” I opened the folder and found 14 images. Before I could look at them the doorknob turned. I slammed the laptop shut, and groaned louder than I intended when Grover walked in.

“It’s my room, too, you know,” he said insulted that I took exception to his presence.

“I shouldn’t have to share a room with you. I’m in high school.”

“Writing love letters to your boyfriend?” Grover asked.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” I said looking down at the laptop. That was the first time I heard myself admit that out loud. A lot had changed in a day. I went from thinking the greatest guy in school had a thing for me to thinking the greatest guy in school wasn’t that great, and may have had ulterior motives for wanting to get to know me.

“Looking at more of your pictures?” Grover asked.

The question caught me off guard. I fumbled for a reasonable answer and finally just said, “Stop asking me dumb questions.”

He looked at me mischievously. “Let me see what you’re hiding.”

“No, dip wad.” I moved the laptop behind my back.

“I’ll tell mom.”

“And I’ll tell mom you have one her magazines.”

“Go ahead,” he smiled. “I put it back.”

“So, I’ll tell her you had it. She’ll believe me.”

“And I’ll tell her you’re doing something on your computer you shouldn’t be doing.”

I grunted. “I’m not playing, Grover! This is serious stuff.”

“I’m not playing either,” he said. “Show me.”

I balled my hands up into fists and thought about leaping out of the bed and socking him in the eye, but instead, I just cleared my throat and said, “Fine, but I swear to god, you are dead if you tell anyone.”

“Cool,” he said jumping on the bed.

I lifted the lid to the laptop and awoke it from its sleep. The file was still open. I clicked on the first picture and Grover said it best.

“Holy… whoa!”

We stared at the picture for a long time without saying a word after that. I was trying to process it. Uncle Crew was squatting down next to a… something huge. It was covered in hair or fur or whatever you call it… it was…

“Bigfoot!” Grover yelled.

I quickly clamped my hand over his mouth. “Shhh! It’s not Bigfoot,” I whispered. “It’s a fake.”

He looked up at me and shook his head. “No way that’s a fake,” he said with my hand over his mouth.

I removed my hand. “It has to be.”

“Open another one,” he said excitedly.

I did as requested and we both gasped. There were two apes or guys in gorilla costumes or whatever they were wearing. These two were standing next to J-Rob. I laughed nervously. They were two feet taller than him. They were really big guys in really big costumes. I could feel sweat forming on my brow. They had to be fakes. They just had to be.

“Two Bigfoots,” Grover said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said with a fake chuckle.

“Another one,” he said pointing to the mouse pad. “Open another one.”

I huffed. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have to see more of those things. I was mad at them for looking so… real. But if I didn’t click on the next picture, Grover would have had a hissy fit. I opened it. An ape with breasts squatted next to the ape laying on the ground. Uncle Crew was off to the side. The female was holding a large Tupperware container and appeared to be scooping some kind of mushy food out. She was twice as wide as Uncle Crew.

“Boobs,” Grover shouted.

“Shut up,” I growled.

“These are real,” Grover said. His teeth were almost chattering he was so excited. “Bigfoot is real.”

I didn’t deny it this time. I clicked through the pictures, and saw more of the same. It became clear to me that the ape laying on the ground was injured or ill, and Uncle Crew was tending to it. The other apes looked on with concern and curiosity. The faces of the creatures started to get to me the more I studied them. They were ape-like in their features, but they were human, too. The faces were leathery, and the brow ridges were prominent. But the noses were more human than I was comfortable with.

I clicked on the last picture and saw a female holding a baby. It was beyond cute, but I was still utterly disturbed by the whole thing. I tried to convince myself once again that they weren’t real.

“Wait ‘til I tell Tommy Dixon,” Grover said.

I jerked him up by his collar. “You can’t tell anybody about this, you understand?”

He looked at me scared out of his mind. “Let go of me.”

“Promise me you won’t tell a soul about this.” I could feel the veins popping out on my neck.

“Okay, okay, I promise,” he said.

I let him go. “We don’t even know if it’s real,” I said more for myself than him.

“You’re crazy,” Grover said. “Nobody could fake that.”

“They can fake all sorts of things. Ever heard of Photoshop?”

“Of course,” Grover said. “Learned it at computer camp last summer. Never saw nothing like that, that’s for sure.”

“That doesn’t prove it’s real,” I said. I pulled the jump drive out of the USB port and held it up. “What do you want to bet that old J-Rob is pretty good when it comes to Photoshop?”

Night of the Living Dead – Part 5

R.W. Ridley — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:32:31 +0000

Just because halloween is over doesn’t mean the scare stops. Here’s part 5 of the zombie flick that started it all, Night of the Living Dead!

Freaky Search Friday – November 6, 2009 Edition

R.W. Ridley — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 03:23:22 +0000

A picture of Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009, his tall period

Had a wedding today, so my schedule is totally whacked. I almost missed Freaky Search Friday. Here they are in all their spectacular glory, the search terms loveable freaks used to find my blog. Remember, I don’t correct spelling or grammar. They are how they is. Enjoy! BTW – I gave the shirtless celebrities a break. There were a bunch of them, but it’s no fun including them week after week.

10. how to be a successful husband – I can help you. Click here. A lot of women thought I was being totally condescending and disrespectful. I wasn’t at all. I seriously mean to say that I am an idiot who deservedly gets myself in trouble every time I open my mouth or tries to do something on my own. An example: My wife can’t have cheese or dairy of any kind. I bought a “natural” packaged pasta dish thinking she would like it because it was natural. Never mind that the word cheese was in the actual name of the dish. We’ve been married for almost 13 years. I am not that bright. Remember, be wrong a lot.

9. chinny photos – I thought I made up a word this week when I called my author photo chinny. Apparently, chinny is an actual condition.

8. too many facial tattoos – One is too many.

7. did faries exested – I’m about to blow your mind. Nothing ever exested. Think about it.

6. p90x manboobs – What women should know about men. We don’t mind being fat. We just don’t like the man boobs phenomenon that comes with the extra pounds. Beachbody.com (the makers of P90X) should do a 90 day program on how to get rid of unsightly man breasts. It would be a huge seller.

5. free naked pics of zak bagans – I’m thinking Zak should be insulted by this search. Is it not worth at least a couple of dollars to see him naked? How’s he supposed to be able to afford those tiny shirts he wears if he’s not making some extra scratch from naked pics? Ghost hunting doesn’t pay that much, people. Have a heart.

4. tall jeff goldblum, sept, 2009 – As opposed to short Jeff Goldblum. Was he taller in September 2009 than any other time in his life?

3. I want to see Ryan Buell nude – I’m endlessly fascinated by the specificity of some people’s searches. They’re not just searching for a nude image of Ryan Buell. They want the search engine to know that they specifically want to see Ryan Buell nude. As if to say, “Work harder, search engine, because I want to see Ryan Buell nude. I and I alone!”

2. girl face – Talk about someone who doesn’t have a type. They’re just looking for a girl with a face. Can you say, easy to please?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. gigantically man – See Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009.

What is a writer worth? (Repost… because I’m lazy like that.)

R.W. Ridley — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:11:19 +0000

The typical scene after a writer cashes his first royalty check.

So what does a blogger do when he runs out of things to say? He reposts old blog entries. This is from February 12, 2008, the day John Scalzi shook my world and actually announced how much money he made as writer. Totally insane and undeniably educational!

Ever wonder what a working writer makes? Wonder no more. John Scalzi, winner of the John W. Campbell Award and a Hugo Award nominee, gives a very revealing look into the finances of a working writer. Along with letting you peer into his wallet, he also gives you some salient advice on how to manage your money and stay out of credit hell. Here’s an excerpt:

It’s possible to make a good amount of money as a writer. Most writers don’t. You should assume, strictly for business purposes, that you won’t, or at the very least, won’t for a very long time. It’s not all about you, it’s also about the market. Don’t get defensive. The median personal income in the US in 2005 was $28,500. You have a lot of company in the bottom half.

It’s a long article (or posting or whatever you call a blog entry), but it is well worth the read. John is a very successful writer. The key to his success is beyond being an exceptional novelist he is also a gun for hire. By his own admission, he will write most anything as long as the money is good. Click here to read the entire post, and I would also make it a habit to visit John’s blog on a regular basis. He’s got a lot to say and most of it is worth listening to.

If you’ve never read any of Scalzi’s books, I recommend Old Man’s War. It’s a military sci-fi novel, but the writing is good enough to make it enjoyable even if you’re not into that particular genre.

My newer new author’s photo, not quite so chinny…

R.W. Ridley — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:46:06 +0000

Photo number 105 of the evening. This is my response to, "Look natural!"

…but something is clearly very fascinating to me out of frame. The photo I posted yesterday (see below) was swiftly nixed, rebuked, torpedoed, iced, virtually torn to shreds, etc., and so forth and so on. Apparently, I don’t know an unacceptable picture of me when I see it.

My new author’s photo is very chinny

R.W. Ridley — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:02:26 +0000

Raised eyebrow? Check. Scowl? Check. Square chin impression? Check.

I have no idea what I was thinking, so I can’t give you a reason for the dour expression. Let’s hope I don’t have to shoot more pictures. I hate it… oh, wait. Now I know what I was thinking. BTW – don’t forget to join the Lost Days Facebook Group to find out more about a couple of laptops I’m giving away, and maybe even see more chinny pictures of me.

I’ve decided to give away 2 laptops (netbooks)

R.W. Ridley — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:03:08 +0000

Read a book! Win a laptop computer!

I have two bits of news in regards to the Lost Days free laptop contest.

1. It is now the Lost Days free laptops contest, as in plural, as in two. I’ve decided that one is not enough. The first laptop drawing will be for everyone. Same rules apply. The second laptop will be for the top 10 people with the most Spread the Word Bonus Points. What are Spread the Word Bonus Points? Simple, whenever someone joins the Lost Days Facebook Group and leaves a comment saying “I’m a fan because (your name) sent me.” You get a Spread the Word Bonus Point (provided you answer the qualifying question correctly). To give everyone amble time to get the word out, I am holding the second drawing on January 17. BTW – You can start spreading the word now.

2. Because of the addition of the second laptop drawing and a proof that I have decided to… repurpose, I am pushing everything back at least a week. I’m still sending out the free ARCs, but it will be next week. The qualifying question will be posted on November 16. The drawing for the first laptop will be on January 10. You will need to get the qualifying question by January 4.

Important Dates Recap:

1. Qualifying question will be posted on the Lost Days Facebook Group wall on November 16

2. Answers to Qualifying question must be in by midnight (ET) on January 4.

3. Drawing for everyone that provided the correct answer to the qualifying question is on January 10

4. Drawing for the top 10 people with the most Spread the Word Bonus Points will be January 17.

There you have it, two chances to win. Just join the Lost Days Facebook Group and get in on the fun!

*Note – You can only win one laptop. If you win the general drawing, you won’t be included in the Spread the Word Bonus Point drawing.

** 2^nd Note – Remember, the answer to the qualifying question will be located in both the book and on the blog. No purchase is necessary, but the book will be available for sale on Amazon in case you’re interested.

Lost Days – Post 36

R.W. Ridley — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:48:46 +0000

Read a book! Win a laptop computer!

This is the 36^th installment of my new book, Lost Days. The Advance Reader Copies have been printed and are on their way to me. I’ve giving some free copies out to the folks who have joined the Lost Days Facebook group. They’re also the only ones eligible to enter a drawing for a free laptop computer. Join the group today and get in on the fun!

“What do you mean we can’t go out with Danny and Joyner?” Denise was screaming.

“It’s complicated,” I said into the phone. “Just trust me.”

“Trust you?” There was panic in her voice. “You’ve been acting really weird lately, Hayl. How am I supposed to trust you?”

I sighed. “I can’t really go into it now…”

“No,” she roared. “I’m going. This is my one chance to get out of the social dungeon I’ve been in my whole life. I’m not passing it up just because you have cold feet.”

“You’re not going, Denise,” I was so stern I almost convinced myself I could prevent her from going.

She wasn’t buying it. She laughed. “What? You can’t tell me what to do. I’m going. Be a bitch and stay home!” She hung up the phone.

I looked at the receiver for a few seconds before I hung it up. My grandparents didn’t have anything as high tech as a cordless phone, so I’d been tethered to the kitchen wall throughout the entire conversation. Nana Taffy was at the sink washing dishes. She was dying to know what was going on, but to her credit she didn’t ask. She pretended to be so wrapped up in removing the grease from a frying pan that she didn’t have time to take interest in my squabbles with my silly friends.

I jumped when the phone rang shortly after I hung up. I picked up the receiver. “Hello.”

“Comet?” a familiar voice said.

“Dad?” I asked, but I knew it was him. He was the only one in the world who called me comet. I hated it, and I hated him. I was in disbelief when I heard his voice.

“Yep, it’s me. How are you, comet?”

“Fine,” I said not really caring if it was the truth or not. I didn’t like discussing any part of my life with my father.

“I tried calling your cell phone a couple of times, but I could never get through.”

“Maybe because I don’t have a cell phone,” I said gritting my teeth together. I couldn’t believe how little he knew about me.

“Really? Since when?”

“Since never,” I said.

“Really?”

“Is there a reason you called,” I snapped.

“Yes, I’m your father. That’s why I called.”

“Whatever,” I said.

“Don’t get smart with me, young lady. Your mother called me. She’s concerned about your living situation. She thought it might be a good idea if you and your brother stayed with me for awhile.”

I was too busy processing what he said to answer.

“It’s just not a good time for me, honey. I’d love nothing more. It’s just with work… things are really crazy.”

I laughed. I was confused, relieved, and devastated all at once.

“Tell your mother for me, will you? I have to go, comet. I love you.” He hung up.

I stood against the kitchen wall with the phone to my ear long after the call ended. He didn’t even ask to talk to Grover.

Mom walked into kitchen and looked at me with a puzzled expression. “Who are you talking to?”

I didn’t understand the question until I heard the dial tone. I slammed the phone on the cradle. “You’re stuck with us,” I said trying to sound like I didn’t care that she was trying to pawn us off on dad.

“What?” she asked.

“Dad said things are too crazy at work right now. He can’t take Grover and me off your hands.”

“That was you father?” she asked.

I nodded and attempted to leave the room, but mom stopped me.

“Sit down, young lady.”

“I’ve got homework,” I said as she grabbed my arm.

“Sit down and hear me out,” she said as if she were begging.

“Fine,” I said in as snotty a tone as I could muster. I flopped down on the nearest chair and rested my elbows on the kitchen table. Nana Taffy finally gave up the charade that she was too into cleaning pots and pans to care what was going on. She joined mom and me at the table.

“I called your father because I was concerned,” mom said.

“I bet,” I said sarcastically.

Nana Taffy didn’t like my tone. She raised her voice at me for the first time that I can remember. “That’s enough, Hayley Wanda Wilkes.”

I blushed, partly because I was embarrassed that my grandmother had just scolded me and partly because I hated hearing anyone use my middle name.

Mom closed her eyes to gather herself. She let out a quick breath, opened her eyes, and continued. “The police have been here twice in the last week. I don’t feel comfortable exposing you and Grover to that sort of thing. I just thought it would be better if you stayed with your father for a while, until your uncle can sort this out.”

“You think Uncle Crew did it?”

“No,” she said. “That’s not it. Crew would never hurt anyone. I know that. I just don’t want you and your brother to have to worry about this sort of thing. It’s an unusual situation, and to be honest with you, I’m completely confused by it, and I’m an adult. This can’t be fun for you and your brother.”

I leaned back in the chair. “Doesn’t matter, anyway. Dad’s too busy to take us.”

She gently placed her hand on my thigh. “Honey, your father is an… asshole.”

“Connie!” Nana Taffy shrieked.

“It’s true!” mom said.

Nana Taffy’s face was beet red. “Of course it’s true, sweetie, but I don’t approve. Call him a jerk or butt nugget even… I just don’t… please don’t use the ‘A’ double ‘S’ word.”

Mom looked at Nana Taffy cock-eyed. “Butt nugget?”

“Is that not a term?” Nana Taffy asked apologetically.

Mom turned to me and we both busted out laughing. We laughed until we started crying, and then mom wrapped me in a bear hug. “Honey, I just want to do what’s best for you.”

The emotions from the funeral came back in full force. “You’re what’s best for me,” I said sobbing like a baby.

Nana Taffy couldn’t take it anymore. She left her chair and placed a strong hand on both our backs. “My girls,” she said. “No one goes anywhere.”

Night of the Living Dead – Part 4

R.W. Ridley — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:27:53 +0000

The continuing saga of flesh eating zombies! Happy Halloween!

Freaky Search Friday – October 30, 2009 Edition

R.W. Ridley — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:24:36 +0000

Jeff George was Jay Cutler before Jay Cutler was Jay Cuter!

This week’s Freaky Search Friday is decidedly less freaky than previous weeks. There were a lot of shirtless male celebrity searches, and for some reason people want to see Donna Reed and Ed Asner nude. And apparently identifying animal poop is really a popular activity because it hit the list this week again. I decided to sprinkle in a few repeat searches that aren’t freaky, but they come up week after week. I’ll do my best to give these poor souls some answers to their very pressing questions.

10. win a laptop facebook 2009 november – Admittedly, I’m only including this one because it allows me to promote my drawing for a free laptop. Join the Lost Days Facebook group to learn more!

9. walken ridley – Not freaky. It just gave me an idea what to name my first child (should I ever have one), Walken Zombie Ridley. It works for a boy or a girl. Why Zombie? Do you have to ask?

8. greatest meltdown ever – I’ve learned two things from this blog. People want to see as much famous people’s skin as they can, and People love to watch other people suffer. The greatest thing that could ever happen to society is if a naked celebrity freaks out. That would be interwebs gold.

7. when are you supposed to take pictures – I find the best time to take pictures is when I have a camera. I’ve tried it without one, and I was really disappointed in the results… Unless you’re talking about stealing a picture. In that case, I’d wait until no one’s looking.

6. fantasy clown dresses – Could there possibly be such a thing as a fantasy clown dress? In what twisted mind would a clown dress be a fantasy? I think I’d rather see Ed Asner nude.

5. time travel cases – This exact wording comes up over and over again. Let me clear this up for those of you who are searching for time travel cases. There are none! Time travel is impossible. I am 100% sure about this because if time travel was possible it would have happened already. Try to follow me on this one. Logic dictates that once the time travel barrier is broken, time no longer is a barrier to the ability to travel through time, so time travel will always have existed at that point and every point in time.

4 . jay cutler record – Sucks! This search appears probably about half a dozen times a week. Jay Cutler has good skills, but he is not a good quarterback. Unless he checks his ego at the door, he will never be a winner in the NFL. He has the worst attitude in the NFL since Jeff George.

3. jeff goldblum shirtless jurassic park – This week’s shirtless celebrity is the king of charmingly awkward acting. Everyone knows that the Jurassic period had the best shirtless celebrities.

2. top 5 world of warcraft meltdowns – I’ve never seen a game cause such Agmas Nefesh. Meltdowns have become synonymous with World of Warcraft! I’ve never played, but I feel like I’m suffering from secondary World of Warcraft meltdowns. I think they should be required to include a warning label with this game.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. jerry seinfeld nude – This week’s nude celebrity is the king of observational humor. “You ever notice when you’re famous people want to see you nude for some reason? What is wrong with these people?” (Kind of a mixture of Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld. My impressions even suck in writing.)