Film Noir Vixen

The Lost Year

victoria_lane — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 00:57:58 GMT

I couldn’t remember what we did last year for the holidays. I’d completely forgotten how miserable we were and how little money we had. We didn’t even celebrate Xmas or the Solstice. We sort of acknowledged NYE. And I didn’t bother with my birthday at all. We also had that arsonist running around, burning carports, including the one across the street from us.

It was hands down the darkest holiday season of my life.

This year is so different by comparison. I was incredibly lucky to have met certain people who have allowed me to transform my life into a far better place.

Ghost Town

victoria_lane — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 21:15:54 GMT

Since LJ is all but dead, I’ve created a new blog here

We’ll see how it goes..

Uni-licious

victoria_lane — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 22:27:40 GMT

One of the things I so love about Los Angeles is the fact that out of nowhere, you can find yourself in the midst of something rare and special without warning. Last night was one of those moments. I realized I was sharing space with two of the greatest chefs in the city if not the entire US as well as hands down the finest mixologist in our country. I had some food and drink that was beyond anything you’ll find in typical restaurant, even a high end establishment.

I also discovered that I love uni. That’s sea urchin for those of you who don’t know. I like it raw. I like it pureed. Smoked into a mousse. I like it deep fried. I pretty much love the hell out of it and I understand why otters will claw into those things and dig out the meat. I discovered I enjoy some other exotic items as well.

My current lifestyle is ruining me for basic food. I am no longer able to handle boring food. And I absolutely cannot stand anything that isn’t fresh or organic. The difference is enormous to me.

Thanksgiving 2012

victoria_lane — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 09:25:05 GMT

Thanksgiving.

It feels very different than in years past. It’s relaxed. __wolverine__ is happy about the holiday for the first time in years. And we are enjoying one of the best times in our relationship ever. But this is how it is supposed to be. This is what I have spent my whole life believing in but never experiencing. We have been through so much and are incredibly close as a result.

I am thankful to be in this moment and aware of what I have.

I had one of the more visceral epiphanies of my life yesterday. It came out of nowhere but I nearly threw up because it sickened me to truly comprehend this… understanding. Over the course of several hours, I faced it, owned it and harvested the good from it.

I worked hard for this space in time. This peace. This prosperity. In spite of giving up so much of myself to the wrong people (though never for the wrong reasons). And I am lucky. I came out the other side of it all with a lot of scars but with my humanity in tact and a type of power that I haven’t once used in the dark ways I have every right to embrace, considering what all has come to pass.

I am ridiculously thankful I met someone who gave me such an incredible amount of perspective that I have been in the process of healing as well as letting go of so much old baggage in the weeks since that fateful night. That whole encounter is still sinking in and working its quiet magic.

I suppose you can call all of this comfortable. It’s new. It isn’t intoxicating in the least, which I tend to favor, but so sweet all the same.

Thanksgiving.

Bring it on like there is no tomorrow.

American Priorities

victoria_lane — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 02:18:43 GMT

Every year I am sure we have reached the peak of retail frenzy for the holidays. And every year, I am wrong. It gets worse. Given people’s behavior, you’d think Black Friday was an actual holiday wherein it is mandated that you spend money on crap you just don’t need.

I have actively refused to buy a single thing on Black Friday for at least 8 years if not longer. It’s obscene. With all truthfulness, I am finding I don’t want much this year. I’d like an iPhone 5 and an iPad Mini. Everything else I crave falls under the category of experiences. Theater tickets. Concert tickets. Fine dining. Bottles of outrageously expensive limited edition wine/champagne. Black winter truffles. A vacation that doesn’t take place in Los Angeles. But I don’t *need* any of it.

So, I’ve been hiding deep within the Vixen Cave, trying to avoid the mounting retail madness while cleaning and preparing for a very cozy Thanksgiving. __wolverine__ is busy getting our massive projection television fixed, as it started doing something weird a couple of days ago. We’ve spent the last few days streamlining our living space, something I’ve been wanting for a year now.

I refuse to be swept up in the tide of mainstream culture’s fucked priorities. It is the time of year to slow down, focus on people you love and enjoy simply existing.

Bowling For Boobies Pink Carpet 2012

victoria_lane — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 02:40:39 GMT

Classic Bond Girl Moment

victoria_lane — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 12:27:12 GMT

I get to meet a lot of very neat people these days. It’s fun. And sometimes, it’s deeply moving.

Last night I had the chance to meet Luciana Paluzzi, Fiona Volpe of the original Thunderball. Classic Bond Girls were some of my early aspiration figures. So getting to tell one of them how big an impact they had on the woman I became… that was such an incredible moment. Especially since she understood and gave me a hug. I think it actually made her happy.

I never, ever go out of my way to talk to anyone high profile beyond what is appropriate because I like to let them live their lives. It’s exhausting to constantly have people want something from you. In my own little way, I grasp that.

I’m very grateful someone give me the opportunity to say something real in a way that wasn’t intrusive. It meant a great deal to me.

Lessons From Sandy

victoria_lane — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 11:46:12 GMT

There is something about reading stories of New Yorkers walking for hours to get to work as if that’s just what you do that has struck me hard. It’s ridiculously inspiring. That is what you do. You just get it done.

So, given the absolute luxuries I have… in comparison… what feats could I be accomplishing instead of chasing after ridiculous comforts no one really needs?

I’m streamlining in massive ways.

I’ll always be a glam girl with eccentric, Hollywood desires. I spend just about every night purveying decadence. It’s how I make a living. But there is a way to remain well ensconced in that world more intelligently.

Tales From The Vixen Cave

victoria_lane — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 23:34:20 GMT

"...conflict is the primary engine of creativity and innovation. People don't learn by staring into a mirror; people learn by encountering difference."

-- Ronald Heifetz

I still marvel at how I was able to fill page after page effortlessly for decades and now all I can muster is the most sporadic flurry of entirely forgettable words. I’d much prefer this silence to happen in my conversation and not with my writing. I’d rather say little in person but rage upon the page.

I’m starting to think that a downside to living in the fast lane is that there comes a point when you have quite honestly seen it all so there is nothing left to say. In this context. I have plenty to say about human folly and the female experience. I’d prefer to save it for something more artistic than a blog.

Bowling For Boobies 2012 happened. It was fun. Our team more than doubled the amount we brought in the previous year. The whole event was very well run and thus less chaotic than in previous years. We even had time to just hang out and chat before it started. Pictures will eventually surface, though I am not holding my breath that any of them will be decent. I always look like hell at this event, no matter how hard I try. I’m usually exhausted so getting to the event is a feat.

I am casually gearing up for Samhain. I decided that even if I had to go out alone, I was going to do something, particularly since last year I was so wiped out from selling costumes that the holiday was ruined. It remains to be seen if I will do Tuesday and Wednesday or just the actual holiday.

So Close!

victoria_lane — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 23:36:57 GMT

With six days left to go, I have $223 left to raise to reach my 1K goal for Bowling For Boobies. A shocking mere 35 people have helped make that possible. With the thousands of people I have access to via social networking, it’s truly stunning so few have responded. Even more wild that most of those people have very little to give.

Every single dollar donated goes directly to the women battling breast cancer. It does not disappear into a giant organization. Please consider tossing in a few dollars!

You can do that here. It is safe, secure, and you can do it anonymously if you so desire.

I had So Many Stories To Share But….

victoria_lane — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 04:37:13 GMT

"I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself."

-- Rita Mae Brown

"Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to."

-- Alan Keightley

We had Fall for a week. It was nice. I was able to break out a coat and some boots. I even came down with a flu. And then, today, it was back to 90 degree weather. Only, I still have my quaint Fall zombie flu.

Time is flying by faster than I’d prefer, given that this is my favorite time of year to savor. That’s one of the things I loathe about survival and monetary obligations. A person can get so lost in it that pointless machine of making other people rich that they wake up one day in what feels like the blink of an eye with huge swaths of time having passed yet nothing personal accomplished. .

I desperately want to disappear into a dark underground economy where pleasure and fantasy are peddled and be done with the ‘real’ world. After watching those two presidential debates where being a loud asshole meant ‘winning,’ I want no more of this American society full of stupidity glorified. I want to wake up late every afternoon, don pretty clothes and seduce each second with witty hedonism. I’d like my charisma and charm to fill my coffers rather than someone else’s.

Instead, there is this revolution that must be executed.

Three Weeks Left

victoria_lane — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 22:08:35 GMT

We are down to the wire for Bowling For Boobies 2012. Our team is still drastically short the 6K we pledged to raise. I am personally $448 shy of my goal.

This charity supports Los Angeles women currently fighting breast cancer. It does not go toward research. It helps pay medical bills and any other bills these women are unable to cover as they are focused on surviving a potentially deadly disease.

Any donation is pure magic. Even a couple of dollars. So please consider tossing a few this way.

Thank you!

Dave Stewart @ The Troubadour

victoria_lane — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 21:28:01 GMT

In yet another first, __wolverine__ took me to see Dave Stewart of Eurythmics fame this past Friday night. I wasn’t at all sure what to expect save that every time he takes me to one of these kinds shows, the audience is always packed with musicians and the experience is life changing. This was no different.

The night began with a young boy getting up on stage and belting out the most ungodly soul music with the voice of a tortured angel. He did it a cappella. It was pure magic. It made me realize my obsession with dark Americana would work.

While I’ve been familiar with Dave’s body of work for the better part of my life, I didn’t truly understand the sheer genius of it. Hearing it from his hands, with his twelve year old daughter belting it out, or any of the several beautiful women he brought out singing it (including a woman named Delta Goodrem who has now become the best vocalist on the planet to me), I realized two things:

Dave Stewart is a man with a deep soul.

Dave Stewart is a man who dearly loves women and does so with the greatest of respect bordering on worship.

Any man who can do all of that and do it with a face full of glitter is entirely worthy of my adoration.

That night, I went to church and I worshiped at the altar of female power given wings by eloquence. I didn’t want it to end, either.

As an encore, John Mayer came out, reminding LA why he’s more heir to the Clapton throne than he’s been marketed to be. Forget his ridiculous pop love songs. John Mayer is 100% American Rock Blues with guitar skills that kill.

Live music is my drug.

More, please!

Gather Ye Rosebuds

victoria_lane — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 06:18:10 GMT

I’ve spent the last month reimagining Pain Doll. I’m ready to begin writing again. The new concept is completely different. It was hard to accept that what I had worked on for a year wasn’t good enough. But I knew in my gut that there was a reason I wasn’t excited about it. If I’m not so enthralled with it I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks, it’s not the best I can do.

I have been far too hard on myself about the fact that it is nearly October and I’ve done nothing creatively I wanted to accomplish. But, the truth is, I’ve been getting pieces of myself back and reacquainting myself with them. It’s something that cannot be measured by any stick society uses as an indication of success and for that reason I’ve discounted it.

I did the craziest thing I have done for myself in a great while a couple of days ago. I splurged for a set of ridiculously expensive gel nails with dusty pink glitter set into one of the layers. A year ago, I barely had enough money to put a good meal on the table. Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about spending a small fortune on myself. It’s wild how perspective is so drastically altered by what happens in life. I keep looking down at my sparklie finger tips in pure joy, something I would have never done at any other time in my life because it wasn’t special. But It was special. I simply didn’t have the wisdom to fully enjoy it.

It’s a very strange time. I have so many things I have never had but always wanted. And yet I am short things I have always had but lost.

Adam Ant

victoria_lane — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 05:08:14 GMT

For my birthday this past year, __wolverine__ bought tickets to see Adam Ant. The original concert date was supposed to be in February but circumstances were such that it didn’t happen until quite recently.

I’ve never seen Adam Ant. While he was a massive part of my youth, I didn’t expect to be as deeply affected as I was by the whole experience. It was both bittersweet and elating. Bittersweet because he’s lost all of his prettiness that made his every word an exquisite tease. Elating because his voice is totally in tact. It hasn’t changed a bit.

For days after the concert, I couldn’t stop listening to the songs I had heard live.

I cannot wait for his new album.

Learn A New Trick

victoria_lane — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 03:09:52 GMT

Every year that Burning Man comes around, I reflect upon transforming my life. I’ve done it twice in the last year. This latest shot at it has panned out better than I could have imagined but I am still so far from where I want to be.

Now I am at a bit of a crossroads. I tapped, unexpectedly, into something huge and I am flourishing for the most part. But I’m realizing, for the millionth time, that no matter how grand these dreams someone else puts into motion are that I am lucky enough to be part of, I still burn for my own dreams. And there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction muttering through it all.

It feels like settling to not take the ultimate risk of putting everything I am on the line to birth a dream from out of my soul. I am a visionary not a follower. And I need to be constantly challenged with new things to stay happy.

The other thing Burning Man offers that is hard to find in Los Angeles is a safe place to be creative. With the dawn of the digital age, anyone putting anything out there is swamped with all sorts of input, most of which is very negative. It takes whatever critical voice we have inside go into overdrive. I know I am ready to defeat that voice but I just need a little bubble of supportiveness to get started.

I haven’t been able to find it.

But I’m standing here at this same place I’ve been so many times. This time, I won’t be talked out of the years of experience and wisdom I have gathered.

I’m in a good place. It’s not my place. So I need to find balance. I need to find a way to pour my best into the other person’s dream but walk away at the end of the day and focus on nurturing my dream. There is a way to be responsible to one yet honor the other.

Bowling For Boobies 2012

victoria_lane — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 01:21:10 GMT

For the fourth year, I am participating in Bowling For Boobies, a local charity that financially supports women with breast cancer. As is always the case, I pledged to raise 1K by October 21st.

After a month of fundraising, I am still $740 shy of my goal. I realize things are still rough for a lot of you out there. In fact, most of the people who have donated thus far have very little to spare. But this is about community and reaching out when someone is far worse off than you. Even a couple of dollars means everything to a woman in the fight of her life.

Please consider performing a little miracle.

Comfort

victoria_lane — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 10:37:54 GMT

Comfort is my enemy.

I don’t mean luxury. I refer to being used to something or being able to do it without much effort.

The lack of fear or a cliff to fall off of… less challenge… It makes me restless. I do my best work when I am not sure what the hell is going to happen or if I can even do it in the first place.

I am an accomplishment junkie. I’ve said it before. And it’s still true. In fact, the harder the thing I just finished conquering is…. the further I fall into boredom after it has been vanquished.

The thing is… this time… that comfort is still quite a feat. It’s not exactly easy. I still have to put forth effort. And it’s of a calibre I haven’t enjoyed in years. I want to keep it around and maintain it while I pursue whatever will make my blood burn next.

Try, Try Again

victoria_lane — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 10:44:47 GMT

I’ve started and deleted this page several times. Everything I’ve typed would be better fodder for a morning pages dump than something I put on the internet for posterity.

It’s not that I haven’t been doing much. It’s quite the opposite. Life has resumed being engaging, challenging and full of unique experiences. I adore the new people in my life too.

Maybe this will never quite be what it once was for me.

Or maybe it is possible to fall out of practice with something that once was second nature.

Collapsing At The Finish Line

victoria_lane — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 02:01:28 GMT

I am enjoying the first full 48 hours I have had to myself in a little over a month. I have collapsed at the finish line, proud of what has been accomplished and enjoying the sweet rewards of that effort. It is finally becoming comfortable to once more be successful. I intend to not take it for granted and be grateful every day. It can all go away in the blink of the eye, even when doing everything the right way. It is possible to put it all out there, body and soul, yet still come up dry. Hard work leading to prosperity is no longer part of reality in this country.

Most of what I am up to is moving ahead very slowly. I am still looking at old historical spaces in DTLA. I haven’t written in a month but I have been taking in insane amounts of information that has fueled my imagination, fleshing out that darker future version of Los Angeles I have been creating for years.

The last two weeks have been about testing myself, learning, networking, letting go and growing.

Reinvention.

Rebirth.

Evolution.

Whatever it is, it has been hard, painful and a pure joy.

Vegas Trip

victoria_lane — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 23:02:33 GMT

I’m a little surprised that in the two weeks since we returned from Vegas there aren’t any pictures of Rochelle and David’s wedding or our general mayhem about town that weekend.

I know __wolverine__ has some on his iPhone. I will have to pester him. They are beautiful images from the Bellagio’s indoor courtyard garden.

Rocking July

victoria_lane — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 21:30:49 GMT

Being part of the restoration of Downtown Los Angeles to its former glory has been incredible fun. I am in mad love with the culture and the vibe.

July has also been an absolute whirlwind of networking and growth for me. I am meeting the most phenomenal human beings and finding myself garnering an arsenal of skills that will help make my currently ‘under construction’ dreams come true.

My nights are full of world class food, witty conversations and connection with high calibre human beings.

Life is very good.

I have one more difficult week to get through and then I can resume production meetings and the furthering of my empire building agenda in meaningful ways.

Another Boring Entry

victoria_lane — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 08:29:45 GMT

"Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable."

-- Leo C. Rosten

As expected, July ushered in the return of what I refer to as normal (but feels entirely amazing after so many years of pure suckage). I will freely admit that I’m having a little trouble adjusting because I’ve been in survival mode for so long that not having to fight so hard to get through a day doesn’t feel right. And in the moments when I do believe it, I become terrified it will all go away in the blink of an eye. I hope to find a way to relax and simply enjoy it all in earnest rather than intellectually.

I still haven’t figured out how to find time for regular fitness but I’m getting closer and continuing to make progress.

I also haven’t resumed writing on a regular basis, which should be evident here.

On Being A Butterfly

victoria_lane — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 20:04:28 GMT

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."

— Hans Christian Anderson

I woke up from a dream this morning wherein I was Queen of some realm. I haven’t had a vivid dream like that in months. And, of late, they’ve been more gore related than beautiful fantasy. I was extremely put out to wake up into reality.

I consider it a harbinger, though. There is a very distinct shift happening in my life but it is dependent upon me being able to develop some new behavior in order to truly do it justice. So, for now, I am in an awkward place, attempting to rise up to this new phase of life.

Life is a little bit better and a little more magical every day. Last night I met Rob Corddry. I’m loving the fact that every Saturday brings me face to face with extremely talented human beings. The energy of being in the right place makes the tedium of this slow pace toward what I want easier to handle. It’s a little reward for keeping focused on the goal and a reminder of the rewards of building something beautiful.

The only thing I have yet to get a handle on is some sort of fitness regime. I walk a great deal, take a lot of stairs and move for hours on end but I need some yoga and some weight/resistance training at least three times a week. It’s a mental battle I will have to continue with my exhaustion. Eventually, my ego will win. It always does.

Off Track

victoria_lane — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 20:04:15 GMT

"The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people’s expectations."

-- Julia Cameron

"For all those years you’ve protected the seed. It’s time to become the beautiful flower."

-- Stephen C. Paul

Remaining focused is a challenge in a world that is always pulling you in multiple directions and screaming over the quiet pulse of your intentions. You need to rage with a given need to get through it and not find yourself off track.

I was off track yesterday but not entirely. I ended up being reminded that I am more than what I’ve been treated like for the past few years. When taken out of the context of those oppressively limiting circumstances, of course. For that reason, it was useful even if off topic.