‘Grass is Greener’ syndrome is a really tough and paralyzing cycle for many people who struggle with this issue. It can make people feel that they are never fully settled in life, repeatedly experiencing urges to find the better thing they are missing out on, leading to a pattern of changing relationships, careers, where to live, or otherwise. While there can be a period of satisfaction and gratification on the heels of the most recent change, these feelings tend to wear off as time passes, thus restarting the cycle.

There is a lot to say and understand about ‘grass is greener’ syndrome (GIGS), more than can be discussed in one article. It is quite a bit more complicated than simply a general “commitment issue” (though one of the symptoms of GIGS is a struggle with certain types of commitment).  If you wish to read more about my work with ‘grass is greener’ syndrome, you can find articles I’ve written (as well as a webinar I presented on this issue) around the internet.

In my therapy and coaching practice, ‘grass is greener’ syndrome and difficulty with settling down is an issue I’ve helped many people through over time. While the grass is greener issue is multi-faceted, frequent nostalgic and euphoric memories are significant contributors to exacerbating this issue. These memories tend to create an idealization where nothing short of these perfect images is good enough.

It’s one thing to have memories. We all have them, and many memories can bring a variety of emotional responses along with them — happy, sad, joyful, mournful, etc. However, with GIGS the memories many people hold can create a deep sense of longing and craving. Some may think back to their childhood and recall images that bring a sense of deep nostalgia, and a yearning to return to this time of life, in some way. The prevalent feeling becomes: “Nothing will feel as good as this time in my life felt.” Or, with a relationship partner, there may be an imagined idea of the perfect relationship, therefore making anything that doesn’t fully fit this picture not the right relationship for you.

Perfect Images, Perfect Feelings

Sticking with the past for a moment, what ends up happening in this craving to return to an earlier time is a wish to either re-live a feeling from the past, or to actually recreate the past environment in the present. The hope is that it will bring the exact level of emotional happiness and euphoria that the imagined feeling holds (the same is true for relationships, but here it’s the anticipated emotion of what the perfect relationship would feel like that is sought).

This can be played out in a variety of ways in one’s present life, but the most recognizable GIGS response is the feeling that what you have now isn’t good enough because you’re not experiencing the complete satisfaction that these euphoric images hold. It can leave people feeling unsatisfied in their present situation, even if the current situation actually may be a good one. It becomes very all-or-nothing in the GIGS cycle — I need to feel X way, or it’s not good enough.

While it’s more complicated than this (as GIGS is fueled by a deeper combination of issues that aren’t all discussed here), this struggle with euphoric memories/images and emotions is incredibly powerful. In GIGS, what often ends up happening is a quest for the environment that will bring these euphoric feelings — the perceived “right” relationship, career, place to live, social circle, etc. — as much as possible.

This is the shiny new, greenest grass, and it feels great for a period of time. Like you finally have everything you’ve been looking for. But as the newness starts to wear off, the euphoric emotion starts to fade with it (kind of like the end of the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship). This leads to the belief that the recent change wasn’t the ‘right’ change, and it’s time to start looking again for that feeling — maybe the next one will be the one that sustains that feeling for the long haul (the honeymoon phase that never ends).

Fantasized Emotions

There is a problem with these euphoric and nostalgic images, however. And it can’t be overemphasized how powerful this actually is for people:

These images that we idealize actually washes away the real emotions of that time.

Simply said, we project emotions onto our past memories or future images. We see the images, and we lacquer them with a thick layer of euphoria (this happens unconsciously for various reasons, and could take a whole book to adequately discuss). In the process, we forget the difficult emotions that may have surrounded the earlier (or may surround the projected future) environment. In the present, we can’t literally connect with the past or future stresses, painful moments, the frustrations, the pressures of that time, the fatigue, and many other feelings that were likely around then, or may be around in the future images.

This is somewhat similar to having a relationship breakup where months later you start to remember all of the good things, and forget how painful and upsetting that time together actually was. Imagine this on a much larger scale. There may be good feelings in these past or future images, however there’s more to the emotional picture than we tend to experience with GIGS.  These projected emotions can drive people into incessant loops of trying to match an exaggerated feeling.

Stopping the Cycle

I’m sure many reading this are wondering what the solution is.

GIGS is an issue I’ve seen many people work through. It is possible to stabilize the back and forth struggle that dominates this issue. However, this is something that is very tough to conquer on one’s own without help. Many people attempt to do this on their own before reaching out to me — for example, they may try to just pick one side of the coin and force themselves past the issue. But, eventually the cravings of the neglected side end up taking hold again. GIGS is not an easy cycle to force yourself out of.

The mechanism that fuels ‘grass is greener’ syndrome is very persuasive and powerful, and it easily creates doubt and uncertainty about where you are in life when you’re stuck in the midst of the GIG process. It tends to be a vicious cycle that only reinforces itself, which makes it hard to break from within it. Simply said, don’t be afraid of seeking help. It is important to understand your own deeper struggle with this issue, and from there can work to end the cycle.

Almost everyone’s mental health has been impacted from the turn life has taken in the last few months. As things were, life was already stressful enough for many people prior to COVID-19. There was more than enough anxiety, panic, depression, fear, worry, headaches, and more to overflow our mental and emotional tanks. Life has always had a thick layer of uncertainty built into it — job stresses, family stresses, illnesses, and so on. Now, that sense of uncertainty has multiplied many times over in addition to all the things in life that needed our attention before.

Is there room for more?

On top of what was already filling the emotional pot, we now find ourselves trying to cram a whole new series of emotions, worries, anxieties, fears, unknowns, and more into a space that was for many already boiling over before the virus even showed up. Whether you’re worried about getting sick, have lost loved ones or friends, have family members in a higher risk group; or have lost your job, could lose your job, or are coping with working full time from home while also taking care of children and homeschooling them; or have experienced your thriving university campus life suddenly turn into being home with your family, or are isolated in your home by yourself; or if you are trying to cope with the loss of human-to-human contact, gathering, and fun that often serves to de-stress from the typical hustle of life — whatever the additional layers are for you, the mental health struggle from the recent changes and losses is very real.

For each person, the brand of struggle may be different. For some it may be a more crippling anxiety or a higher baseline of anxiety — meaning functioning continuously closer to experiencing things like panic attacks, overwhelm and burnout, obsessive worrying, compulsive behaviors, anger, irritation, and otherwise. Or, the struggle may be closer to a threshold of depression, shutting down, wanting to stay in bed until life returns to normal, difficulty feeling motivated or energized, or carrying an intense emotional heaviness or hopelessness. Or, for others your relationship could be taking the brunt of the struggle. As well as other manifestations not listed here. Whichever your struggle(s) tends to be, for most people the stress of this sudden life shift has likely turned up the volume on what was already there.

If you were already at a 9 or 10 (out of 10), then what happens now with so much unforeseen complexity and stress added to the picture?

A world-wide trauma

For many people, the unexpected life shift from the emergence of the virus is likely being experienced as a form of trauma. It is something that no one really had the space to internally prepare for before suddenly working from home, losing jobs, taking children out of schools, and wearing masks to go outside. While before you may have just gone to the grocery store to pick up some food, conscious attention and awareness is now needed for what was previously a somewhat mindless task of walking around a store. There is a lot more to pay attention to now in general, which means more work for our brains to take on.

When we don’t quite know how to internalize an experience, we end up adjusting and compensating (internally and externally) in different ways in order to work around it. But this doesn’t happen easily. It’s generally at the expense of something else. Think about it like time in a day: if you have two things on your to-do list between 9am and noon, you will experience your day very differently than if you have ten things on your to-do list in that same frame of time. The whole layout of your day and how you experience the stress of the day will be different. If you have two things on the list, then you can likely feel a sense of having enough room for both things, and maybe also put some attention towards the three things on your afternoon list as well. But with ten things on the morning list, the afternoon likely doesn’t even exist in your mind yet and there’s probably a question if you have enough room for what’s on the morning list.

The point is, with every step of routine life having become magnified, small (and larger) details require thought and attention that weren’t previously necessary. This all in addition to what was already there. It’s almost impossible to not be overwhelmed right now with all that needs our attention. We may go through the motions of where life has taken us, but this doesn’t mean that we have an emotionally secure and stable sense of being in this new space. In fact, it’s possible that some people could still be experiencing the shock of the change, which can be experienced as an emotional numbness while functioning on a sort-of detached autopilot.

Therapy and Self-Care

When in a crisis, people often try to avoid the psychological and emotional impact because the crisis itself can be so overwhelming. While it can feel like taking care of yourself is one more thing to do amidst the overwhelm, taking care of yourself is actually what can start to reduce the overwhelm and help you to regain your footing. When trying to “push through” a crisis on your own, the emotions can start to take over in various unhealthy ways. In short, don’t be afraid to ask for help, even if it’s just to have someone along with you to turn to through the process. You don’t even have to leave home for help, as therapists can meet online. Just because many people may be going through a similar struggle right now doesn’t make what you’re going through any less difficult or important.

Nathan Feiles currently offers therapy and coaching online, and will resume seeing people in-person in his NYC practice when safe to do so. 

When living in a life full of daily routines, it can be somewhat easy to forget that we actually are surrounded by risks every day. We become so normalized to our ways of living life, that simple things such as being within six feet of other people, touching a door knob, or going to a restaurant are rarely called into question. We may not register the risks of driving a car, walking down the street, eating food, walking down a flight of stairs, and so on.

Going even further, the era of Tinder and other hook-up apps brings plenty of risks that are often not even consciously registered anymore. Not only is there risk of sexually transmitted diseases, but simply the possibility of passing illnesses back and forth has always existed when people are physically close or in contact with each other. None of this is new, whether we’re in large crowds (which has more risks than only illness), or on our own swimming in a pool.

No matter how we look at it, in order to live a life that involves adventure, satisfaction, and meeting basic necessities, every day we accept a certain level of risk as part of it — some risks higher than others.

In my psychotherapy practice, I specialize in working with the various forms of anxiety that people struggle with in life. Part of this work can often involve helping people learn to cope with and live with uncertainty and unknown in life. In fact, one of my other specialties is helping people overcome fear of flying (there are articles around the internet about my work with this, if you wish to learn more), part of which involves emotional processes that are not all that different from dealing emotionally with the disruption of coronavirus crisis — being stuck a space where your sense of control over the environment is limited, leaving you to manage sitting with vulnerability, uncertainty, and unknown as you navigate this space.

Of course, there’s more to the process on a deeper level for both being in quarantine and for fear of flying, but there are some important parallels worth looking at when it comes to the idea of re-entering the world after this extended quarantine.

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First, here’s the thing — many people would love guarantees of safety in life. It would be a tremendous relief to know without a doubt that when you go outside that you will return home safely and still be here tomorrow. It would be life-changing to have certainty that every single plane is going to make it from A to B without incident.

But, in reality, no matter how small the odds are of catastrophe with many things in life that we take for granted, to some degree there’s always going to be a base level of risk to almost anything in life. The hope in dealing with the presence of risks is that we can learn to internalize the vast middle ground between guarantee and catastrophe — understanding that in many cases catastrophe is exceedingly rare, and in others there may be more risk that we take more precaution against (such as wearing a seatbelt in a car). What becomes problematic for people in dealing with these situations psychologically and emotionally is when they try to control the environment (and the vulnerability) beyond what is possible.

There is a space (emotionally and literally) where active control remains possible (such as staying in your house to avoid an out-of-control pandemic, washing your hands, doing certain calming techniques in a plane, don’t speed in a car, etc.). But it’s important to understand that this reality of control only goes so far. We have limits as people to what we can actually control, and for many people when we cross into the space where control isn’t in our grasp, our emotions are taken with it.

When it comes to dealing with deeply vulnerable emotions, there comes a point where the emotional response can be so overwhelming that you can’t control your way out of it. It may feel like the only thing that will make you feel better is to get the control back. This is commonly seen with heavy turbulence in fear of flying, and why I’m using this example of fear of flying alongside the concept of re-emerging into the post-quarantine world. You can’t stop the turbulence, nor can you walk off the plane. You just have to ride along with it and learn how to be okay in it until it goes away. Which in many ways is going be the post-quarantine world, at least for a while.

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How can we expect to live in the world as we did a few months ago if we are going to be continuously exposed to our vulnerabilities and limitations as human beings — living in the understanding that with life inherently comes risk?

The truth is, we already do this every day in many more ways than we are consciously aware of. However, the COVID-19 pandemic has been an all-too-real reminder of the vulnerability we face as human beings. That in the end, there are parts of life we can control to help ground ourselves, and then there are parts that are out of our control that we’re going to have to learn how to tolerate, sit with, and embrace in order to be able to enjoy a satisfying and gratifying existence in the world without hiding from life.

Going back to the idea of guarantees, I’m sure all of us would love to get back to a place where the threat of COVID-19 doesn’t exist, and then we can re-emerge into the world just as before, maybe still with other worries and anxieties to deal with, but at least without worry of this particular virus. However, from the information we have to this point, it doesn’t seem the risk of the virus will be gone when the quarantine ends, and possibly not for many months, if not years.

For many of us, this is a scary thought. That in order to live our lives again, we’re going to have to re-emerge into society where contracting coronavirus is a threat that will remain there on some base level every day (much like other things already are). Holding out for the guarantee may result result in paralyzing each of us in our quest to get back to our lives, as opposed to allowing for the acceptance of this risk that will be there, either way.

Yes, there are things we can control, and we should still take precautions — such as understanding when is the appropriate time to re-emerge into society (this article isn’t suggesting we should recklessly end quarantine early, by any means), or washing our hands, wearing masks, not touching our faces, working from home again temporarily if the virus shows up somewhere close by (or immediately isolating in the future if/when you show symptoms of illness), and so on. But overall, in order to live life, we’re going to have to understand and in many ways accept that at some point we’re likely to cross paths with the virus.

Of course, sitting with uncertainty and unknown is often much easier said than done. If you find it difficult to handle sitting with lack of control or vulnerability, or sitting with uncertainty or unknown, or dealing with varying levels of anxieties (panic, worry, overwhelm, etc.), then therapy would be a good place to go for help in these areas. For all of us, learning to tolerate risk and uncertainty will be a significant part of embracing the post-quarantine world.

Nathan Feiles, LCSW-R currently offers therapy online, and after the quarantine will also return to seeing people in-person in his NYC practice. 

I’m sure the title goes without saying for everybody, especially those who have caught the virus. There may be some positives within the larger picture for those who have avoided the virus to this point — such as working from home, sleeping later, or otherwise. But the overall disruption that coronavirus has brought to all of our lives has triggered a range of emotional states in people, and reminds us that our mental health needs to be a priority during this time.

To illustrate the various reactions, some people, including many who are most at risk, have remained in denial of the danger of the virus and continue to go out as usual, ignoring the warnings and orders. For those who have gotten past the denial, many are angry. The presence of this virus has taken family members’ lives, has taken jobs, closed kids’ schools, cancelled weddings, cancelled vacations, left families without income, tanked the economy, stuck people at home indefinitely, and many more reasons to be angry.

People are also in shock. A few weeks ago, life was carrying forward as it always does, with its usual sorts of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. And now suddenly the country (and much of the world) has come to almost a full stop, and many have lost jobs that were possibly quite secure at the time. Nobody could have ever seen this coming before December, and it’s hard to understand how to wrap our heads around the sudden dramatic shifts. The traumatic nature of life flipping upside-down so suddenly will likely carry beyond the crisis itself for many in one way or another.

This brings us to the next emotion — fear. Many people are scared, or are dissociating the fear. If not scared for themselves, they are likely scared for family members, friends, or others. Many people may try to hide the fear or pretend it isn’t actually there. For some, this is actually part of the denial. To turn and face the fear feels like too much. So instead, the problem doesn’t exist until they’re forced to deal with it.

Helplessness and symptoms of depression are also showing up for people. When people feel out of control and vulnerable, some try to grasp at control in various ways in order to feel like there is something we can do to put our lives back into our own hands. And for many they can ride through on these forms of control to some degree, at least for a period of time. But the reality is that there really is only so much we can control, which the current situation has brought to the front for many people.

For many, many people, it is really hard to sit with uncertainty. To really have no idea what’s going to happen next, where this is all going to go, if we or someone we know will get sick, for how long we’re going to be stuck inside, for how long the virus will continue to upend our lives, for how long some of us may be without work or steady income, etc. It is this area — the uncertainty and unknown — that really stirs the anxiety and fear even further for people, and can be completely intolerable for many.

Anxiety, worry, and panic attacks are ongoing for many people to the point where the current baseline sits constantly on the verge of panic. This feeds into things like panic buying — which is completely unnecessary. The frenzy of panic-buying is a symptom of the panic, fear, and lack of control people are feeling. And it unfortunately breeds panic behaviors from people who weren’t initially panicking — people have to follow along in the panic otherwise they will be left with nothing.

So, while it’s normal to feel panic and fear (and this can be managed in therapy), if people can stop themselves from hoarding supplies, this can actually lend to the return to emotional normalcy. When you see the shelves fully restock in the stores, it will be a positive and hopeful feeling, and allow for leaving the panic behind.

All of these feelings above as well as others not listed here are all understandable during this unusual time.

One of the difficulties with mental and emotional health during this time is dealing with these emotions in a healthy way while stuck at home for weeks on end. It can also be very easy to neglect your mental health when there is something out there that threatens your physical well being. This can manifest as feeling like you’re in constant fight or flight mode with nowhere to go with it — as if you have one thing to pay attention to, and everything else drops to the side.

However, beyond the virus itself, with life thrown so far off track and so much into the air recently, now is a critical time to take care of your mental health rather than allowing the emotions of the current situation to start taking over. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, or any combination of emotions above, reach out to a therapist — you can even have your sessions from home with online video sessions. You shouldn’t have to go through this on your own.

Spoiler alert: Yes, you should still go.

(compiled scenario to protect confidentiality):

I was having one of those days where it just felt like everything was fine. Nothing really happened since my last session, and I didn’t really have anything important to talk about today. Nothing was pressing, and I didn’t understand why I should go to therapy today if there was nothing I needed to get off my chest or talk about.

But then I remembered that therapy isn’t supposed to be only for the days or weeks when there’s an overflow of stress, anxiety, or other stuff going on. I understood that therapy is a deeper process than only dealing with the surface emotions. So even with nothing prepared to talk about, and not knowing what the point really was today, I decided to drag myself into therapy anyway.  

At first, I just sat there for a couple of minutes and didn’t really say anything except for a couple of comments about the weather or something like that. I was nervous that we were going to sit awkwardly in silence for the next 45 minutes — which was part of the reason I almost didn’t come in when I had nothing to talk about. But then, after sitting there for a couple of minutes, I just went ahead and said it to my therapist: “I really have nothing to talk about today.” After that moment, it turned into one of the deepest and most valuable sessions I’ve ever had (so far). 

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It can be quite common for the days where nothing is emotionally or mentally prepared prior to the session to end up being some of the deepest and most enlightening sessions. This doesn’t diminish the benefits of the sessions where the topics of conversation and emotions are at the ready, as much as it speaks to the benefits of therapy even when it doesn’t feel needed that day.

It’s easy to think that because there is no stress or major issue to talk about on the day of a session that it must mean that there is actually nothing to talk about or happening at all. However, when the layer of stress and emotional activation is removed, it actually allows the space for a new layer of depth to open up and emerge. It can be tempting to underestimate the power and influence of what sits below the surface because it’s generally not fully in our conscious minds. And some might think, “Well, if I’m not thinking about it consciously, then it doesn’t matter, right?”

Unfortunately, no, it’s not as simple as this.

The stuff that sits below the surface is often most responsible for creating and reinforcing the cognitive and emotional patterns and struggles that we find ourselves dealing with in daily life. While on one level therapy serves the purpose of reducing the layer of emotional activation when it’s overflowing, which can provide its own sense of relief — getting into the layer(s) below the surface is often where the more in-depth and longer-term changes start to happen.

When the emotional overflow layer is removed, this is when it becomes more readily possible to reflect on, engage with, and understand ourselves. As the conversations start to move into the deeper layers of oneself, the underlying parts that people are often looking to improve really start to emerge more here. For example, it’s one thing to temporarily make the surface layer of anxiety go away until it returns next time; it’s another to understand on a deeper level why these patterns of anxiety keep returning as they do and to change these patterns longer term.

These deeper, more unconscious parts of ourselves are generally what drives our mental and emotional life experiences — why we emotionally respond the way we do to situations in life, why we think about things in the way we do, why we may be caught in a pattern of emotional or relational struggling, etc. And while it’s not always easy to engage with the deeper parts of ourselves and change these patterns, summoning the courage to get to know what we carry with us can often lead to some of the most gratifying and healing parts of the therapy process.

I will add here to bear in mind that simply starting a session with nothing to say doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to leave the session in awe, enlightened, or suddenly changed or healed. This wouldn’t be a realistic approach and would likely lead to disappointment. So be careful not to fall into the trap of expecting great epiphanies or keeping one eye on what the “big” result will be in a session.

The overall message is that even when it seems on the surface like there’s nothing to say that day, if you keep an open mind and remain curious about yourself, there is likely to be a greater benefit of showing up to therapy that day.

Here’s the scene: You have two options, possibly narrowed down from a larger set of options, or maybe it was always two. Both have their pros and cons, which you have already turned over in your mind repeatedly, and both seem equally tough to give up in favor of the other one.

What do you do?

Well, you may do what any person who struggles with making decisions does: you likely either impulsively kick one aside and then struggle with impact of this forced choice later, or you become completely paralyzed in between the two options, kicking the can down the road and making no decision at all. You may obsess about the decision but don’t actually make a choice unless you are forced into a corner where you have no other option but to choose; or the choice happens passively when one option eventually drops out of the picture for one reason or another. It is quite possible that the same decision could be weighing on your mind for months or even years before something moves.

Why does this happen?

Decision-making paralysis is a common issue that is frustrating for many. It tends to leave people stuck between two (or more) entities and unable to emerge on one side of that central position.

For people in this situation, this ambivalence can actually become the comfort zone. It may not feel all that comfortable, but it is often quite familiar, nonetheless.

When people repeatedly struggle with making decisions, it can often be because the sacrifice of one option or another is either painful, scary, or both — a loss that will in some way bring up a struggle of its own to work through. The unconscious question can become, what’s going to be more painful or scary — the unknown repercussions of the sacrificed option, or the frustration of the struggle I already know (the ambivalent space)?

This great unknown is part of what causes the paralysis. Even though ambivalence can be stressful and frustrating, it’s at least known to you. The feeling tends to be, “well, I’ve done this for a while, so I know I can survive and deal with this, even if I don’t like it.” But the idea of making a sacrifice by choosing an option (and dropping an option out) becomes overwhelming. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I put myself in real pain that I can’t undo or deal with?

This brings up another signifiant piece of decision-making paralysis: the imbalance between the mind and emotions. When in the position of paralysis, the thoughts are obsessing and ruminating. The mind is generally aware that there is one choice it is leaning towards, but can’t commit to making the choice. This is because of the emotions. For many possible reasons, the emotions often want the other option more (whether or not it’s the “better” choice). So the mind and the emotions go to battle with each other, each one continuously negating the other along the way. The mind is trying to protect you from your emotions, while the emotions are too strong and are aiming to defeat the mind.

If you’ve ever heard of “grass is greener” syndrome, this internal battle is one of the key elements perpetuating the struggle. In grass is greener syndrome, there is generally an internal conflict between what the emotions want, and what the mind knows is probably good for you. However, the emotions are strong — much stronger than people often realize. So rather than do what the mind tells you is good for you, the emotions continue to weigh in heavily, making you feel the pain of what you’d be letting go and, therefore, leaving you to feel intensely stuck in ambivalence.

In my practice in NYC, one of my specialties is helping people work through these types of struggles — grass is greener syndrome, commitment issues, and decision-making paralysis. In working with many people in these areas over the years, most people don’t tend to realize that it is often both options that can lead to pain. Whichever way you choose, there is the pain of the loss of the other and worry that you’ve made the wrong choice. When both sides are potentially painful and unknown, the space between the choices tends to become the favored position, no matter how much a solution is really desired.

What is the solution?

When stuck in this ambivalent position, people often want the quickest way out and want me to just tell them what to do, how to make the decision, and quickly be finished with it — which of course would be immediately gratifying and relieving of the stress. However, unfortunately, it’s usually not that simple. If it was, I’m sure you likely would have figured it out on your own by now in the process of thinking about the issue constantly over time.

But with this strong of a mind-emotion deadlock, it is important to work through the mental and emotional processes in order to align these two processes within yourself. While there is often more to it than only this piece, when it comes down to it, as long as there is a divide between the mind and the emotions the there is going to be internal disagreement and, therefore, no choice is going to emerge with a sense of confidence. Simply put, it’s very difficult to rationalize your way out of an emotionally-based struggle (as the strength of the emotions will generally outweigh what your mind may know). 

It’s actually quite common for the mind and the emotions to become divided (we can get into the deeper reasons this happens in another article)– and it’s also very common that most people are not consciously aware that this divide is even happening. What people tend to know is that they are stuck and are having great difficulty figuring it out.

While bringing the mind and emotion into alignment isn’t an overnight process, I’ve found in my experience working with this issue that it can be a life-changing breathe of fresh air for people who are patient with the process. The aim is to gain control over your options in life, rather than the stress of life’s decisions controlling you.

Fear of flying and flying anxiety is a very common struggle for many people. One of my specialties is helping people overcome fear of flying with a comprehensive method I created over a decade ago. In my experience in working with this phobia, I have often found that before people come to me for help, they first often try to resolve this fear by learning about how flying works. While there’s really no problem with doing this, as it’s not unhelpful, it’s overall a bit off-track as a means for actually resolving fear of flying.

One of the main concerns I have of the many programs, books, methods, classes, toolkits, and so on, that are found on the internet is that many of them are created by people (pilots, airlines, or random others) who are not mental/emotional health experts. While they may have good intentions, they don’t understand the ins and outs of how deeper underlying emotions contribute to this fear. Flying phobia is actually quite complicated and resolving it generally takes an understanding of the many deeper psychological and emotional processes that actually build and feed this fear for people. (In fact, even many therapists who don’t specialize in this fear don’t understand the complexity of resolving fear of flying.)

Knowledge and statistics-based courses and programs generally involves teaching people about the plane, flying, and why people shouldn’t be anxious. Their hope is that if they can convince you that flying is safe, then it will help you overcome the irrational fear. However, while reassurance with stats and understanding the process of flying can be helpful to a certain degree, there really is no rationalizing something irrational. Most people who are afraid to fly know that the fear is what’s known as an “irrational fear” (as it’s based on emotion, not on rational thought processes). However, simply knowing that doesn’t make the fear go away.

The thing about fear of flying that most people overlook is that it’s an incredibly emotionally-based phobia. While learning about flying, understanding statistics, and other knowledge can help with the front of the brain anxiety (things you can grasp mentally on a conscious level), the vast majority of fear of flying is actually driven by unconscious, emotional, back of the brain processes. This is the reason that many people will go through courses and books learning about flying, and then they end up coming to me saying that it was somewhat reassuring to learn about how flying works (front of the brain), however still felt terrified to fly (back of the brain/emotions).

When people try to use knowledge in an attempt to overcome a fear, it is essentially attempting to gain more control when, in reality, what is needed is to learn how to relinquish control without being in a panic. When scared or panicked, the back of the brain completely overpowers the front of the brain. There are times in life where there is discomfort and lack of control, and no matter what we try to do to control it, we have to learn to sit with that unknown and uncomfortable space, and put trust and faith into others.

This is the problem with trying to rationalize the fear with concrete information. It’s actually the emotional process that needs the work — the parts that have great difficulty sitting with the vulnerability, uncertainty, trust, and lack of control. It doesn’t matter how much knowledge you can retain — the truth is, you’re still going to have to learn how to sit in the vulnerable spaces (also applies to life outside of flying).

There are various ways of developing this ability with flying, part of which involves training the brain and your emotional processes to experience flying differently (actually experiencing it differently, not simply thinking of it differently). This is a significant component of the method I use with people.

Another important element of understanding and resolving fear of flying is that it’s a very individual issue. Each person’s fear of flying stems from different roots. It is important to understand each person’s fear individually in order to know where the focus is needed. This is a big reason why the method I use has been so effective for people over the last decade. The method was created specifically with the flexibility to be molded to each person’s situation and is applied to you based on where you are coming from. Any one-size-fits-all approach you buy online or class you attend in a group means that everyone’s fear of flying is being treated the same way, no matter how different your fear is from the person sitting next to you.

If you’d like to learn more about how I approach fear of flying, and the overall complexity of this phobia, you can search the internet for other articles I’ve written. But the overall points to take from here are the following: 1) “knowing” about flying can provide some mild relief, but it is limited (it can be helpful as a small part of a larger overall process, but it is just that — a small part). 2) Soothing the back of the brain, emotional processes, is where the vast majority of the attention is needed in order to change and reconfigure how you emotionally approach flying.

The other takeaway is to keep yourself relevant in the process, no matter how you choose to address your fear of flying. The more your personal fear of flying is relevant in the process of overcoming it, the more likely it can be treated according to what you need.

It really takes a lot to get on my nerves as a therapist. In fact, there are very few things that would actually annoy me when working with someone. But there is one thing I find myself frustrated by whenever the issue shows up:

The controlling partner therapy veteran.

What, or who, is this?

I come across the controlling partner therapy veteran (I’ll just use CPTV from here) on a semi-regular basis. Some of you reading this may either have a CPTV in your life, or actually be one. To be clear, the person I become annoyed with isn’t the person I’m working with. I become annoyed with the CPTV when they start trying to insert themselves between the partner (the person I’m working with) and their therapy.

The CPTV is a veteran of therapy — they have been in their own therapy for many years — and believes that because of this they know what everyone else’s (or, their partner’s) therapy should look like. They are the partner that says, “you should be talking about this in your therapy”, or “you should be talking about issues in this way”, or “your therapist should be saying this and asking that”, and so on. They know their own therapy very well and, because they’ve been doing it for a long time, believe that they know the way therapy is done across the board.

But, in reality, everyone’s therapy is a very individual and personal process. Your therapy process will likely look very different than your partner’s therapy or anyone else you know. Everyone has their own personality, their own sets of relational patterns and history, and their own emotional and psychological processes. The topics, questions, responses, amount of talking the therapist does (or doesn’t do), the trajectory of the treatment, time, benefit, etc., all can be very different from one person to the next. And this is a good and necessary thing.

Interestingly enough, I have noticed that the CPTV is often the person who initially nudges their partner into starting therapy (this alone isn’t enough to be the CPTV). Generally because there is something the CPTV wants them to work on (usually for the CPTV’s sake). In these instances, the CPTV often projects certain issues in the relationship onto the partner while the CPTV claims to be clear of accountability because of their years in therapy, and therefore insists that the partner needs to catch up in therapy experience for the benefit of the relationship.

However, what ends up usually happening is what “should” happen —  the partner enters therapy and starts to have their own therapy process (not the one that the CPTV had in mind, where the partner goes in and solves all of the “problems” that the CPTV wanted them to fix). As this therapy process happens, the partner (person I’m working with) starts to become more autonomous in their life — comfortable in their own skin, asserting their needs, connecting with their voice, and gaining confidence within themselves in the world and as an equal in the relationship.

This is generally when the CPTV starts trying to insert themselves between the partner and their therapy, as they (likely, mostly unconsciously) sense the partner is becoming more autonomous and self-actualized. As the healthy process of self-actualization continues forward for the partner, the CPTV starts to feel threatened because they realize on a subconscious level that they cannot have any control over what takes place in their partner’s therapy. They cannot access you there, and it drives them up the wall that you’re going through changes that they can’t control. If you are becoming autonomous, they feel they’re losing their grip on you, and to a controlling partner this is torture.

They may start to act out for control by first wanting to know what you’re talking about in sessions — as if all things therapy need to go through them since they nudged you there in the first place. Or, by criticizing your therapy as not being good enough or being done incorrectly if it doesn’t fully resemble their own therapy; or if you’re not fully focusing your energy on certain topics or issues that the CPTV had in mind when they nudged you into therapy. And so on.

Why is this a big deal?

There are many reasons the CPTV’s disapproving insertion is problematic. But the most primary concerns are that the partner can start to question their hard-earned progress if the CPTV makes them believe that they are doing therapy “wrong”, or that they’re not making the progress they’re “supposed to” be making. The partner is inclined to believe the CPTV because they assume with all the CPTV’s years in therapy that they must know what they are talking about. However, this acting out by the CPTV not only threatens to undo the partner’s treatment and progress, it actually threatens to undo their autonomy and make them emotionally dependent on the CPTV (it actually sets up or reinforces unhealthy emotional codependency).

The CPTV’s insertion also becomes disruptive to the partner’s therapy process, as the focus has to temporarily shift away from the partner’s current treatment thread to instead managing the impact of the CPTV’s acting out. It is actually good and necessary to address creating boundaries from the CPTV’s attempts at control, which serves to help the partner build more autonomy. However, if the CPTV’s attempt at controlling the partner’s therapy is not caught or addressed, then it can become detrimental to a beneficial therapy process, as it can make the partner distrust the therapist and therefore the worth of their progress.

If you are concerned that your therapy isn’t looking the way you were hoping it would, or if it isn’t addressing the areas you want, then it is always good to bring this up with your therapist. However, if your partner is telling you in various ways that your therapy isn’t happening the way it’s supposed to, and that they aren’t happy with how your therapy is going (even if you are happy with your therapy), bring this up with your therapist so you can keep your grip on your autonomy.

Movies can create the impression that when two people are in-love they should always be lost in each other’s gaze, smiling when they look at each other, or constantly in a state of “no, you hang up first”. Sex happens slowly in front of a fireplace while you, again, gaze deeply into each other’s eyes while the world turns to sepia. There’s also no mess to clean up because, apparently, when you’re in-love sex is pure and perfect and only comes in the heat of the utmost romance. And the most romantic story is, of course, where you have known each other for years and just never knew you were ‘meant for each other’ the whole time…

People have been exposed to almost completely unrealistic images of love and relationships since childhood from TV, movies, and other media. I’m a big fan of the arts, and I very much appreciate the emotional experiences and escapes (among other things) they do provide. However, trying to make real life align with what we see on screen can be problematic. While these images give people an ideal to aspire to, when they come up short of these images in real life it tends to cause defeat and disappointment, even unnecessarily ending partnerships that might otherwise be strong.

Obviously, love is a complicated topic because its meaning and experience can vary from one person to the next. However, the way society tells people they “should” experience relationships is often out of sync with what a genuinely loving and caring relationship can look like for many people.

In my experience as a therapist in NYC, many people struggle with trying to meet an idyllic fantasy of love that ends up leaving them feeling defeated. Now, before I go further, let me clarify that the following isn’t to say that you should just settle, or tolerate constantly being dismissed, abused, or in other ways hurt or unfulfilled in your relationship. While all relationships have struggles, if you are consistently struggling as a couple, then this still should be addressed.

Let’s leave the movies now and go to real life — where the sex is messy, sometimes you get annoyed at each other and want some space, and sometimes you’re completely out of sync and even have doubts.

In real life, love and relationships are incredibly complicated. The ideal relationship image often is not aligned with the kind of relationship that makes the most sense for their dynamic foundation. In fact, many people carry such idealized fantasies of love that they end up defeating a relationship before it even starts. In many cases, what people seek becomes a glaring version of perfectionism — an asymptotic wish that in reality never ends up touching the point of desire. Coming up short of the fantasy can leave the feeling that the relationship isn’t good enough or right for you, or that you have failed in relationships because you haven’t reached the image.

I have worked with many individuals (and also couples) who endure patterns of struggles in their relationships, whether it’s difficulty with feeling fulfilled, sustaining or starting into relationships, or otherwise. While couples can struggle for various reasons, often based on present factors combined with the impact of their personal histories, many struggle because their expectations of loving relationships don’t align with their relationship dynamic foundation.

What does this mean?

The “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is arguably the most vulnerable that two people can allow themselves to be together. This period of time is when they allow themselves completely out of their personal comfort zones, the emotions are raw, and the grass is the most green and pure (as you haven’t yet experienced each other’s relational dynamic comfort zones). This is an almost impossible (if not fully impossible) state of being to maintain without an eventual shift into both of your own familiar dynamics.

We all grow up observing, experiencing, and internalizing certain dynamics. Often these are formed between you and your parents — you observe and internalize the dynamics of your parents to each other (even if they’re not together) and to you; you experience sibling dynamics (or not having siblings, which creates its own dynamic, as well); and then add in your relationships to peers and others along the way. Throughout these relationships, we end up forming (on a mostly deeply unconscious level) our own sets of familiar dynamics to people. This includes roles and dynamics we may repeat with people.

With each of these dynamic relationships, we are further informing and shaping our level of comfort with intimacy, closeness (or distance), emotional safety, vulnerability, guardedness, and so on. From this develops a personal sense of how we are able to interact with love — how we can show it, receive it, allow it, guard from it, tolerate it, and so on.

As we slowly move back into our familiar dynamics once the honeymoon phase is over, we start to evaluate a couple of different things. On a more conscious level is if the relationship is going to fulfill the fantasy we’ve been carrying about love. However, on a deeper and more unconscious level, we are evaluating if the other can fit in with our familiar dynamic comfort zone. When these two elements are not aligned is where the tension between the two starts to take over and eat at the relationship.

However, it’s important to know that this tension can be resolved and the two can be merged. Most people want to be excited and hopeful about the kind of relationship you want to see yourself in, but at the same time you don’t want that image to end up creating a sense of hopelessness. It is possible with therapy to refine and reshape your own dynamics with love and intimacy, allowing the space to mold the image with who you are and refining some of your deeper own dynamics to connect with the relationship you desire.

Depression is something many people struggle with to varying degrees. People can move in and out of depressive states, and can also find themselves stuck in a state for a prolonged period of time. When you’re depressed, it can feel like you’re dragging through life while towing a boulder behind you. It can be exhausting, painful, emotionally daunting and overwhelming at times, and even feel hopeless at times. It can feel like you don’t have any energy and just want to sleep, or that even the good and positive moments in your life are less than fulfilling. Depression can sometimes feel as if life is focused on doing everything possible just to stay afloat and keep moving.

People often view depression as a sort of larger version of sadness, as if there is “regular sad”, and then depression, which means you’re really sad.

But depression is generally more than just a feeling of sadness. It is often a whole mind and body experience that can feel like you’re being bullied from the inside by a separate being that’s invaded you and can’t find its way back out again. It’s almost like an internal bully is keeping you from being able to find or hold the good feelings. While nobody wants to feel depressed (and therefore nobody is consciously doing this to themselves), there can be an equal or stronger unconscious pull towards staying in the depressed state, even if there is at the same time an obviously strong desire to move to a lighter and more fulfilled and content state. It’s almost as if the will to leave the depressive state is being suffocated by this internal bully.

But who, or what, is this bully?

A common feature among many of the people I have helped work through depressive states is an accompanying feeling of being inferior, small, “less-than”, too much, misunderstood, less significant, in the background, off to the side, and alone in their depression. It’s as if there is an invisible dominant presence that’s always looming, waiting to take the moments of confidence, assertiveness, and positivity and remind you of “your place” as the smaller being. Part of moving through depression for many people means subduing this imposing bully and freeing yourself from its grasp.

And it’s important to keep in mind that the bully isn’t always a loud, aggressive, violent, threatening authoritarian figure. A bullying voice can just as easily be an overwhelmingly judgmental, critical, even-toned and smiling parent or caretaker who was often there to remind you of why you’re not good enough.

In my therapy practice, I work with people who struggle with varying levels of depression. And it’s common to see that desire to feel lighter, more motivated, and more energetic to be met by a strong and conflicted pushback from within. This isn’t something that people “do to” themselves consciously, but it almost seems to come from some part of themselves that they have no control over. It can be a lonely struggle, and people around you may not understand just how much out of your control this experience can be.

It is possible to overcome the bully and also to develop the internal skills and boundaries to see other “bullies” coming and not let them in. Learning about your depression and understanding what is contributing to it for you is an important step in this process. While I know it can be tempting to try, don’t fall into the trap of trying to push through depression on your own without additional support. Once people are caught in the dynamic, it can be very hard to separate from the bully without some help. Sending the email or making the phone call is the first step toward reclaiming you.