Here are nine steps to a happy marriage (or non-married relationship):

1. Worry about your own relationship. Couples can make the mistake of paying too much attention to what’s going on in the relationships around them, and making comparisons to how other people’s relationships function. What works for their relationship may not work for yours, and vice versa. Stick to what works for you and your partner, even if it seems to go against the grain of others.

2. No mind-reading.  It can feel really good to have your partner read your mind in just the right way. When it happens, it’s incredibly validating, and it can make everything in your relationship seem right. However, when it doesn’t go this way (most likely the majority of the time), it ends up being frustrating and disappointing. Often people watch their relationships slowly crumble as they sit around frustratingly waiting for the non-communicated fantasy to come true, which leads to the inevitable explosion of, “You never do [these things] for me!” If you have something in mind, don’t wait around waiting for magic. Communicate what you want. It may not feel as good as having your mind read, but it will put you and your partner on the same page about your needs and desires.

3. Your partner has flaws — leave them alone. If you’re in a relationship with your partner, hopefully it’s because you love him/her despite the flaws. If your hope is to change your partner, perfect them, or prevent them from doing things you don’t approve of, you’re in for a rough, unhappy ride. People have this way of doing what they want to do. The trick is to be with someone whose flaws you can handle. Unless they’re doing something destructive to themselves, you, or your relationship, leave them be and accept their flaws as part of them.

4. Identify rituals. Couples (and families) tend to experience more unity and positivity when they have rituals. Rituals can be anything meaningful to the couple. Examples: going skiing at a different location every winter; having dinner together (or as a family) every night; movie night out every Friday; surprise date to each other once per month; going for a walk after dinner every night; etc. The possibilities for relationship rituals are endless.

5. Identify values. Relationships become quite complicated when both partners are trying to follow different value systems. While some values are likely to not align, hopefully the foundational values of your relationship are. Understand what works for your relationship, and see if you can compromise on the areas where your values differ.

6. Follow the argument rule. Inevitably, you’re going to find yourself in an argument at some point during your relationship. Hopefully not often, but they do happen, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is breaking apart. People have different approaches to arguments, but some are more destructive to the relationship than others. The best way out of an argument is to follow this rule: Stop. Keep this in mind — once in an argument, neither side is listening to the other side anymore. That’s what separates an argument from a conversation. Both are trying to outdo the other, and are trying to prove their point above the other. The only way out of an argument is to realize you’re in one, and then to stop. This doesn’t mean to stonewall your partner, which is a passive-aggressive behavior. Let them know that you want to take a break, and give your partner the last word so it’s more likely they’ll give you that break. You can always return to the conversation later when the emotions have cooled.

7. Sex is important. The reality is, sex is as important to your relationship as it is to the partner who wants it most. It doesn’t mean that the less-sexual partner needs to perform every time the other is in the mood. However, unless the more sexual partner is willingly prepared to not have sex, he/she will likely either get it somewhere else, or your relationship will begin to be chiseled at by sexual frustration — and it takes only one partner’s sexual frustration for this to happen. What this says is that if both partners don’t experience a similar level of drive, there needs to be a compromise. And compromises can vary — it doesn’t just mean that if the more-driven partner is in the mood ten times that the less-driven has to perform five times; it can involve compromises on the type of sex, or involving fantasies of different types as part of this compromise. Compromises can be creative. For example: “Okay, we can have sex only twice this month, but I’d like to role play then as a compromise.” In the end, both partners need to be satisfied. The less-driven needs to be able to opt out at times, and the more-driven needs to have some satisfaction at times, too. (And if you find yourself not wanting intimacy with your partner on a regular basis, this could also be a sign of something else happening in your relationship that needs to be worked out).

8. Listen to your partner. People don’t like the things they say to fall on deaf ears. So when your partner speaks to you, listen. Often what’s being said in some way communicates a relationship want or need. If you’re busy or aren’t in the mood to listen at that moment, let your partner know when a better time will be.

9. Be open to help. Even the best relationships take work and have their rough patches. Don’t be afraid of help. Admitting to needing help at times doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong relationship or that you’re doomed to breakup. It means you could use an objective person outside of the action to assess how to best bring things back on the right track. This a proactive step for the good of your relationship, and it’s much more likely to help faster than waiting around hoping that troubles resolve themselves.

Of course there are other things than these nine particular steps that may help your relationship function as a whole. But if you have these steps down, you’re likely doing well already. And remember, enjoy each other — you chose each other for a reason!

It’s nice to have fantasies. They give us goals, the drive to achieve, hope, desire, and more. However, when we expect that reality is going to match our fantasies, disappointment results when the picture we painted in our minds doesn’t come true. If our fantasies are unrealistic, even good, positively-functioning relationships can be experienced as bad, negative, and disappointing.

Jennifer and Todd (identities protected here) had been dating for three years and lived together for a year and a half before they got engaged. They were engaged for another year, and then were married. Two years after they were married, they entered couples therapy. Jennifer’s primary complaint was that marriage just wasn’t what she’d expected, and that nothing special happened after they got married. They went on with their daily lives, after getting married, and since they already were living together, nothing was really different.

Todd’s main complaint was that Jennifer didn’t do enough to make his life easier, as he imagined marriage would bring. Todd was more traditional in the idea that marriage meant that his wife would take care of household work, cooking, etc. Todd was becoming more and more frustrated as Jennifer “nagged” him to help more, especially since Jennifer and Todd both work full time. In Todd’s fantasy, he was the one who would work while his wife would maintain the home.

It quickly became clear that an issue clouding their relationship was the fantasies they both had surrounding marriage. Regardless of their positively functioning relationship prior to being married, they’d both subconsciously expected that the marriage ceremony would create and carry a magical aura of happiness around them that would stay with them through their lives. There would be no negativity, and it would be exactly as they painted it in their minds.

These fantasies set the environment for disillusionment and disappointment. When negativity inevitably enters the picture, which may not have been part of the fantasy, the sense is that the relationship is failing. Something must be “wrong” if the marriage isn’t meeting the fantasy at all times.

The reality is, relationships will have negativity at times. There may be mundane moments, and there may be times where you don’t want to be around each other at all. Part of any relationship (whether or not married) is learning to accept that things won’t always be exciting, positive, and romantic.

What keeps a relationship healthy is understanding that a relationship isn’t always positive, so the when negativity, or lack of positivity is present, that it doesn’t necessarily mean the wheels are coming off your relationship. In fact, it is very common for people to futilely jump from relationship to relationship (and marriage to marriage) trying to find the unrealistic fantasy whenever the reality starts to sway from it.

Now, this doesn’t mean that all relationships are good, or that a bad relationship automatically means you have an unrealistic fantasy. If you’re experiencing negativity more than positivity in your relationship, or if you’re overall unfulfilled in your relationship as a whole, then it’s something to look into, either with a therapist for yourself, or a couples therapist (it’s often helpful to be in both — one for you and one for your relationship together). It’s important to be able to discern between a relationship that’s actually bad for you, versus a fantasy that’s bad for your relationship.

Through their work in couples therapy, Jennifer and Todd began to understand the internal issues that were plaguing their relationship (stemming from childhood and their relationship role models, and other influences). They also realized that their current relationship functions on a decent level, but both were disillusioned by the fact that the fantasy didn’t cone true when they got married.

Learning to except relationships as they are, and making relationships function according to our own efforts  isn’t as easy as it sounds. It’s ego-bruising to realize that we create fantasies in our lives that keep us from realistic happiness (not only in relationships). Some fantasies can come true, if they’re realistic, while others aren’t realistic (such as having a relationship free of all negativity and being exactly as fantasized).

Jennifer and Todd remain in couples therapy, now more accepting of each other and the positives and negatives that surface at different times in their relationship. They are now working to create a realistic relationship dream that they can achieve together.

Sitting at a table is basically the setup for a meeting or an interview. This nearly automatically signals a person to be on their best behavior, which is already a first-date issue without it being amplified by this setup. The anxiety is also magnified if you grew up in a home where meals were filled with manner criticism: “Chew with your mouth closed”, “Get your elbows off the table”, etc. Then there’s the problem of  how much eye contact is enough or too much? For the dating expert, these may not be issues, but for the novice or the socially anxious, sitting in a restaurant with a first date presents many possible difficulties to overcome.

Restaurants also build an immediate problem into a first date: you’re stuck there until you’re done (unless you’re a person who’d leave in the middle of a date), and if you are afraid of silences, you’re possibly both stuck with the anxiety-provoking task of keeping the conversation flowing until you’ve finished your meal and taken care of the bill. Walking into a trapped situation like this can change the focus to avoiding anxiety rather than enjoying time with your date.

Another issue with being at a table is that you’re both left to your conversation skills as the main event, and while it’s nice if you have good conversation skills, it’s not so easy for everyone. There’s little outside material to expand upon when at a restaurant. Do you talk about the menu, or the food, or the people from the other table? Maybe if you’re lucky there will be some pictures on the wall that can start an intriguing conversation. But generally, when at a table, the focus is purely on each other, and if you’re not a good conversationalist, a setup for pure interpersonal interaction with little outside stimulation is not ideal for a relaxed date.

I would suggest completely getting rid of the table and chair setting, and only bringing food into the picture if it can be eaten on the move (like an ice cream cone). In reality, simply being able to enjoy space and time together can be as relevant, if not more relevant than the quality of pure conversation on a date. Sharing activities that interest both of you can give a better sense of how you relate and fit together, personality-wise, and experiencing activities together can also generate conversation that is less edited, as well as provide a break from personal conversation when needed. Having an active experience can open meaningful dynamics and emotions beyond only the level of a conversation. Basically, there is more to lean on than only the face-to-face conversation.

So next time you’re thinking of going on a date, try a walk in the park — and sitting on a bench to chat for part of it is good, especially since you can get up and walk when you’re both ready, miniature golf, an amusement park, hiking, an arcade, or any other setting that allows you to take the focus off of the face-to-face conversation for part of the time, and just experience each other through shared activity, space, and time. It will most likely reduce the anxiety level, and allow you to be introduced to other emotional parts of your date.

Keep away from spectator sports and activities on the first date. A baseball game is similar to the restaurant, except you’re locking yourselves into 3 hours of it. Unless you both love sports and talking about it while you’re watching it, it’s a tough place to connect. Same with movies, plays, concerts, symphonies, etc. You’re sitting in chairs next to each other, but are focused on something else completely (except for the internal monologue wondering if you should hold hands), in a room where speaking isn’t really possible or appropriate.

Keep in mind, most “remember our first date?” stories don’t continue on to say, “remember how the waiter brought us our food while we talked about your family and job?” If you want to make a good first date story, leave the barrier of the table and chairs behind and share experiences together. The enjoyment that comes out of the togetherness will create more relationship potential than the conversation at the table that made it alive through the nervousness.

What causes this issue?

The hallmark of the “grass is greener syndrome” is the idea that there is always something better that we are missing. So rather than experiencing stability, security, and satisfaction in the present environment, the feeling is there is more and better elsewhere, and anything less than ideal won’t do. Whether it’s with relationships, careers, or where you live, there is always one foot out the door.

The problem with this is the greener grass is usually based on fantasy and fear. The fear comes from several possibilities, including fear of being trapped in commitment, fear of boredom, fear of loss of individuality, and fear of oppression.

Along with these fears comes the issue of compromise. In people who fear commitment, comprising certain desires, needs, and values for the sake of the unity can feel like oppressive sacrifice. When this happens, the perception is that there is something else out there that will allow us to have all that we crave, want, and value, and that it will happen on our terms.

This is where the element of fantasy comes in, and with the fantasy comes projection. We’re going to want what we don’t have, and there’s a fantasy that we’ll get what we don’t have, and that the parts that we’re currently happy with won’t be sacrificed in this change. However, what ends up happening is that after the “honeymoon phase” of making the change, we find ourselves wanting to flip to the other side of the fence again because we discover that there are other things that we don’t have, and because the novelty of the change wears off. It ends up being true, that we always want what we don’t have, even if we’ve already jumped the fence several times.

This is where projection comes in. When the grass is greener on the other side, we’re usually (if not always) placing personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us — generally a partner, career, living environment, etc. We rely on polishing our external environment to soothe a deeper internal dissatisfaction. Though the environment changes when jumping the fence, after a brief internal high, without constant stimulation and newness, the dissatisfaction becomes the same.

I think the cliche should be changed to this: “The grass is only as green as we keep it.”

The grass always starts out a nice and shiny green (‘honeymoon phase’), but will begin to wear a bit with use. Then, it still needs to be maintained in order to stay a nice shade of green. The dulled green (or even brown) grass on our current side of the fence would be greener if we nurture it. The shiny green grass on the other side of the fence is our wish for our internal selves — to be happy, unscathed, and fully satisfied.

The truth is, as human beings, we are all in some ways less than perfect, and therefore, the shiny grass is an illusion. Our job is to keep the grass as green as possible, which may take some outside help. But no matter what, it won’t remain as green as the moment we first set foot on it.

I must insert that there are certainly situations where another situation is a better situation than the current one (for example, a healthy relationship versus an abusive one; a job that’s more fulfilling to you versus an unfulfilling job). But the “grass is greener syndrome” has its own particular presentation, primarily rooted in patterns:

• Repetition. A pattern in your life of constantly wanting better and repeatedly seeking change in relationships, jobs, environment.

• Perfection. It’s one thing to go from an abusive relationship to a positively-functioning relationship, but it’s another to feel that a string of functioning relationships are never good enough. There may be a search for the fantasized ideal taking place.

• Wanting to have and eat your cake. This is in line with the struggle of compromise. If you must have every want and perceived need that stimulates you, then it’s likely that the grass will never be green enough unless you’re the only one on the grass — and even then, it won’t be green enough because of what may be missing from this picture.

• Wanting to run away. If you see a pattern of being unable to settle in one geographic place, relationship, job, etc., there are deeper reasons for this than just not being in the “right” environment.

• Ultimate dissatisfaction. If you enjoy constant change, and living out this sort of life, then there’s technically nothing wrong with this. But if the reason for the constant change comes from repetition of dissatisfaction, and if you’re looking to become more secure, stable, and settled, then this is an issue to look into.

The best way to deal with the “grass is greener syndrome” is to learn the underlying reasons beyond the abstract ideas of idealizations, perfectionism, and the inability to commit. Psychotherapy is a good way to facilitate this process. The other piece is learning how to nurture and increase connection to what’s current so the relationships maintain and strengthen rather than become unsatisfying. The idea is to build an internal place of stability, rather than jumping around in your external life to compensate for a lack of internal stability.

The clear gender roles were that the man works at a paying job and provides financially for the family, and the woman stays at home and makes sure everything in the home and with the children is taken care of. This was the “societal norm” at the time. However this setup tended to devalue the capabilities of women, and empower men, which set up a power hierarchy in the family (based on income).

Fast-forward to the present, and we have a world where a one-income family is rare, both parents generally work, the children are commonly cared for by nannies or other forms of child care, and the home is kept whenever there is time to make it happen, or by hiring outside help.

I’ve noticed that couples tend to get frustrated with the gender role issue, no matter how it plays out. Men tend to get frustrated when they are asked to do household tasks, and women tend to get frustrated when they feel pressure to do these tasks. Women talk about wanting to work, but only want to work if they are passionate about the job, and men talk about wanting to help out at home, but only when they feel like it. No matter what, the picture that ends up coming to light is that neither really wants to do what they don’t want to do.

The result becomes one partner pushing towards traditional gender roles, while the other tries to resist them. Men tend to fear emasculation if they give in to doing laundry, cooking, or cleaning, and women tend to feel the threat of oppression or devaluation if they’re asked to do these tasks. Both partners end up battling fears of being dragged into an abstract gender role they may not want to play, rather than what will work for their relationship.

What’s the point?

Relationships don’t function according to abstract “societal norms.” Relationships function based on the two partners together. If you want a healthy relationship, it’s all about finding what works for your relationship.

There are relationships today that function fully according to the 1950′s societal norm, and there are relationships today where it’s completely reversed, where the women are working jobs that support the family and the men stay home and raise the children and keep the house.

Most relationships tend to function somewhere in between, with both partners working on a daily basis to support the family. And this leaves both partners to compromise on how those other tasks are handled. And how these tasks are handled is based on the needs of each individual relationship. This may involve the husbands doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, or cooking a few days a week, while some women may take out the garbage, and do the food shopping, and cook a few days a week.

The idea is that how your relationship works is up to the two of you to figure out together, it is not meant to be an opportunity to debate, force, or resist social standards. The key is compromise, and understanding that your partner is not desiring to emasculate, oppress, or devalue you (and if your partner is trying to do this, then there are bigger issues in your relationship to discuss). There are things that need to be taken care of in daily life that people don’t want to deal with, but are necessary — men and women both will have to do certain “chores” they don’t want to do. So, rather than battling it out about gender roles (whether it’s resisting them, or wanting to adhere to them), focus on discussing what it takes for your relationship to function as a unit — together, even if it means bringing some compromise into your internal relationship fantasy.

When you feel angry at your partner, here are some ways to calm yourself before it gets out of hand:

1) Remove yourself. The moment you feel anger that you know is going to come out, leave the area where your partner is, whether it’s in public or at home. If your partner isn’t around you, then you can’t lash out at him/her.

2) Cold water. If you have access in the moment, put cold water on your face, neck, and head. This helps slow down the rush of blood and energy to your head and can be soothing.

3) 10-1 Breathing. Take slow, deep breaths in through your nose and out of your mouth. Start at the number ten, and after each full breath, count down one more number until you reach one. You can always start over at ten if you feel the need.

4) Beat up a pillow. If you need to let some aggression spill out, take a pillow and repeatedly beat it against a bed or couch until you’ve had enough. Some people find punching a pillow to work (if you have access to a punching bag, this would be good here, too).

5) Curse loudly, or scream (not at your partner). Use this one with caution, especially in public and around children. This is really if you have a place where you can be alone and out of earshot of others. If you do have a place for this, cursing has been shown to relieve frustration and stress. Once again, use with caution. If your partner hears you cursing, some may think something is wrong and be concerned, while others may feel it’s personal and it still may cause an argument. Keep this one in your pocket for when you need a last resort to keep control and have a place to yourself. Into a pillow, or in a small closet are generally suggested for this.

6) Ask for a break. If you can see your anger coming, communicate to your partner what you’re feeling and acknowledge that you want to prevent an argument. Ask for a break from the conversation. If your anger is triggered by something such as a request to do the dishes (where it’s not a conversation), let your partner know you need a few minutes to collect yourself in order to prevent an argument.

Some of these may not be pretty, but the goal is to keep arguments from damaging your relationship, and from becoming verbally or physically abusive if it gets out of hand. When you’re not used to controlling anger, the practice at first may solely be to recognize when you’re closing in on your breaking point. That’s the place where it’s helpful to start using techniques, such as listed above. It’s not easy at first, but after some practice, it becomes routine to catch your anger before it catches you.

Here are some differences between relationships in the movies, and real life relationships:

1) Your relationship is not frozen in time. Movies classically climax at the end. Everything builds up to the stereotyped big moment where the two people either get together, or get back together (from an earlier breakup). They kiss, everyone’s happy, and the credits roll. This gives the illusion that the relationship is going to last in blissful happiness forever. They’ve put all the issues or courtship behind them, and they’re going to be happy in that moment for the rest of their lives. If only movies showed what’s next, after the big, climactic moment. They move forward, live their daily lives, have changes in moods, get in arguments, sometimes don’t want to be around each other, have good days, etc. Sure, arguments exist in the movies, but they’re usually either there to build the tension in the romance, or to feed a separate plot point. In real life, the arguments in relationships aren’t about creating a mood for an observing audience, leading to a climax.

2) Your relationship is not scripted. Movies have their own version of romance. As just alluded to, movies carefully script their courtships to increase the tension, creating this excitement for the viewers of when it’s “finally” going to happen. While sexual and emotional tension happens in reality, there is no pre-organized script of how your relationship is going to be, and what obstacles may come up. In the movies, there’s a greater agenda, and each scene is planned out to help get there. In reality, there are things that come up that couples need to deal with, and there’s no planned outcome. In a sense, life is a string of experiences and events, while the movies have a fixed goal that the preceding moments build towards.

3) Your life isn’t only about your relationship. Movies would have us believe that every moment is spent dwelling on the relationship. In reality, you have other things to deal with in your life — like work, friends, children, family, paying bills, running errands, cleaning your home, eating meals, etc. This is an issue that plagues many idealized relationship fantasies. Movies show only the scenes that are relevant to the plot, and leaves out all the irrelevant scenes. People who idealize relationships from movies tend to think that their partner needs to be constantly thinking about them, or acting with them in mind throughout their days. The movies would have us believe that every move we make is all about the romance.

4) Everyone has limitations and a history. Movies have this way of showing  men as confident, relaxed, smooth, prince-like individuals who take the lead and pursue the woman in this manner. The men seem like they have no baggage, no limitations, no issues of their own. In reality, everyone has issues and limitations. Prince Charming in real life may have had a rough childhood, or may have significant social anxieties, or may not be good at expressing emotion, or have a short temper, and so on. People who idealize relationships see limitations and wonder if they should run from the lack of perfection. The reality is, everyone has limitations, and what’s important is being with a person whose limitations you can handle.

5) Movie romance isn’t always…romantic. How often have you seen a movie where the the woman is initially not interested, and then the man starts sending flowers and gifts to the woman’s home and work, and starts randomly showing up at various places and events in the woman’s life? Movies have a way of making this look romantic and pretend that the man is showing his commitment and positive desire to be with the woman. In reality, this is more like being a stalker. There’s an interested gesture, and then there’s stalking.

6) Women don’t need to be “saved”. Movies often symbolically and even directly imply that the man is saving the woman in some way, whether it’s an adventure movie where the man actually saves the woman from harm, or if it’s a romance where the man is saving the woman from her “empty” and “meaningless” life without a man. In reality — while movies have influenced many women to base their self-worth on relationships, and men to believe that they have to be a knight-in-shining-armor — women don’t need to be rescued any more or less than men do. Relationships based on rescue fantasies often end up unfulfilling for one or both. The rescuer may get sick of having to continuously rescue, and the one rescued may get sick of the dependency that comes with constantly needing to be rescued in order to maintain the relationship dynamic. Healthy relationships generally function around mutuality, respect, togetherness, support, unity, and partnership. In a sense, while sometimes two people equally rescue each other, the strongest relationships tend to be two people who have already rescued themselves (by working and learning to manage their own issues), and then come together.

There are more examples that could be included, but the overall idea is to be cautious of how movies portray love and relationships. Take mental note of what you see in movies, especially if they seem “perfect” or “ideal”. Odds are, the movie is splitting off from reality when we see perfection. Also, notice what the movies are not showing — such as life after the ending, or the in-between moments. If you want to have a healthy and mutual relationship, understanding yourself within the reality of daily life (emotionally and otherwise) is more important than trying to re-creation a story from a movie.

Before being able to implement stress reduction techniques, we have to be able to recognize signs of stress. Some symptoms are more obvious than others. The more specifically we can understand our triggers — for example, not just knowing that work causes stress, but knowing what specifically in our work causes stress — the more we can do to prepare for stress, and ultimately reduce or prevent it altogether.

What do signs and symptoms of stress look like?

Symptoms of stress vary from person to person, but here are some common signs that we are being pushed beyond our relaxation perimeter.

• Irritability 
• Repeated bouts of anger
• Skipping Meals or Overeating
• Craving sleep, regularly
• Insomnia
• Rapid breathing
• Difficulty getting a full, deep breath
• Headaches/Migraines, Stomachaches, Backaches, GI issues, and other physical symptoms
• Drinking, smoking, or other substance use
• Frustrated regularly, or feeling ready to “explode”
• Passive-aggressive behaviors (late to work, avoidance, withholding sex, etc.)
• Lack of sex drive
• Fighting
• Arguing
• Lack of motivation

This is just a short list of possible signs of stress. There are many more that could be added, so if you’re experiencing something that isn’t listed above, it is still worthwhile to take note of symptoms you associate with stress.

What do stress triggers look like?

Stress triggers can come in many different forms. People tend to notice the more abstract environmental triggers of stress, such as:

• Work
• Relationships
• Family 

But the triggers are more specific. In order to reduce or prevent stress, it’s necessary that we learn the origin of our stress, which means going deeper into each area. Here are examples of some common triggers for stress:

• Arguments with your partner
• Overwhelming workload
• Difficulty with decision-making
• Inability to effectively organize and prioritize (both at home and work)
• Particular points of parenting 
• Parents invading your personal space
• Financial concerns (not making enough money, or spending too much money)
• Tough commute to/from work

This is also a short list out of possibilities. The idea when identifying a trigger is to understand the origin of the stress. And even going deeper into each stressor (psychotherapy is often helpful here) can help us to understand our role in creating and maintaining an environment for stress.

How to Reduce and Prevent Stress

Now that we have an idea of what to look for with stress — symptoms and triggers — we can more effectively reduce stress. Fortunately, many of the resources we need for this are built right into our bodies. The task is to learn how to use what we have available to us. Here are a few suggestions:

1) Deep Breathing. This basically requires learning to control how we breathe — learning to regulate how much air we take in, how much we let out, and how quickly or slowly we do this. A significant part of this is also learning to control how deeply (or shallowly) we breathe. When we are stressed (or anxious), our breathing becomes more shallow, which can lead to physical and emotional symptoms. Learning to offset stress with engaged and controlled deep-breathing helps relax our physical and emotional response to stress as a whole.

2) Meditation. There are many ways to practice meditation. It generally involves using controlled breathing (whether deep or relaxed), with a mental, and sometimes physical, focus. Meditation can be done with emotive imagery, or progressive muscle relaxation, or be simply breathing-focused, or otherwise. While meditation can be used acutely with some benefit, a much greater benefit is achieved with regular practice. With daily meditation, for example, a person can see their overall level of stress greatly diminish. Consistent meditation can also significantly reduce the initial stress response, so even if we are triggered, the resulting amount of stress that we experience is less than before.

3) Yoga. Any type of focused body work combined with controlled breathing serves as regulating mechanism for stress relief and prevention, if practiced regularly.

4) Talking. This sides along the concept of “talk therapy”, where taking time to process aloud and understand stressors can in itself relieve stress. Sometimes talking will lead ourselves to solutions or understanding; or externalizing an issue can normalize it away from the magnification or catastrophizing that can occur with rumination and hyper-focus. Whether it’s with a friend, or getting stress reduction help with a therapist, utilizing our voices can be quite helpful in reducing stress.

5) Screaming. The difficult part of this one is finding a place to do this. Letting out a connected, emotional scream from the depths of ourselves can be momentarily cathartic. It may not resolve stress as a whole, but it can decrease stress hormones, and also release endorphins.

6) Exercising. Running, walking, swimming, push-ups, jumping jacks, and all other forms of aerobic exercise are stress-relieving activities. I usually recommend to combine exercise with a mental focus activity. While some forms of exercise are physically relieving, not all forms of exercise engage the mind (e.g. it’s easy to daydream while running, which doesn’t allow for mental stress relief). See #7.

7) Other Sports (physical and mental). This can range from soccer, softball, and racquetball all the way to Karate, Kung Fu, and anything other form of physical activity that requires mental focus as part of the activity. Taking cognitive focus away from the stressors while also physically engaging relives both mind and body from building stress or previously stored stress. As with all of the above, consistency with practice provides greater stress relief and prevention.

8) Planning Ahead. Knowing what triggers stress for you can enable you to plan ahead in various ways. Hopefully, the identified stressor is something you can remove, or in some other way adjust in order to prevent stress. For those less changeable stressors, mental preparation, or setting the surrounding environment can be effective for reducing the impact of stress. For example, if you know you’re working a 12-hour shift the next day, removing significant responsibilities outside of work that day can help ease the overall impact; or, mentally preparing to take one hour at a time, or one responsibility at a time at work may ease the stress of a long day.

9) Psychotherapy. While talking is cited above, psychotherapy involves a more in-depth look at ourselves and our stress mechanism. Therapy also provides a deeper understanding of how our stress response was formed in the first place (and therefore how to treat it). Therapists who are trained in mind-body, and relaxation techniques can also be helpful here (though not fully necessary for stress-related therapy to be effective).

It is worth noting that there are many different types of breathing, deep-breathing, meditation, imagery, and other exercises. Some may work better for you than others, but there isn’t only one way to do each type of exercise. Learning a method (or several) that works for you is essential to the process. If you can build an effective bag of tricks that works for your mind and body, you’ll be able to gain control over stress as a whole, and be able to experience relaxation and tranquility on a consistent basis, even during situations that used to be stressful.

Navigating motivation when depressed can be tough because the instinct is to wait for the energy to return. People who are depressed often fall into the trap of trying to wait it out — that if you give in to the urge to stay in bed for a few days, that you’ll be re-energized and recharged, believing you’ll have exorcised the depression demons by just “going with it”.

Unfortunately, it’s not usually as simple as this. If everybody tried to wait out their depressive episodes, some people would be in bed for 20 years, realizing somewhere along the way that depression actually tends to breed depression if it’s not actively confronted. That’s right, catering to our depressive urges actually reinforces them.

Obviously, actively doing anything doesn’t sound so desirable when feeling depressed, let alone confronting our depressive urges head-on. While it’s important to give depressive symptoms their attention and get to understand and learn about what’s underlying the depressive episode, the concept of “mind over matter” can help create motivation when depressed. I have seen evidence with many people that creating a change in mindset with small, manageable, behavioral steps can change a whole experience of depression. For some it’s brought their symptoms entirely into remission. This doesn’t replace taking the steps to learn more about what’s causing the episodes, but these steps can help us move on with our lives while we continue to work on the underlying issues.

Let’s look at some steps that can help break an episode or a cycle of depression.

1) Opposite Action – In Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (an offshoot of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy), Opposite Action is the idea of forcing yourself to do something that you know is good for you, in order to prevent the reinforcement of a bad habit. For example, if you want to stay on the couch and watch tv all day, when realizing this only gives in to depression, opposite action would say to get up and go out, knowing it would be a healthier behavior. It’s very much a “just to the opposite of your unhealthy urge” technique.  In CBT, the principle is that your behaviors can create positive changes in your emotions.

2) Set an Alarm – This isn’t only for getting out of bed. The alarm can be for anything that marks a symptom of depression. You might set an alarm to wake yourself up at a certain time to make sure you get out of bed in the morning; or you might set an alarm to signal a meal time if you’re missing meals, or signal time to do laundry, or run a particular set of errands, and so on. The alarm serves as a cue to draw your attention to a target area where you want to become more active in change.

3) Make Your Bed – Getting out of bed can be very tough with depression. The first step to take is to sit up on the bed, put your feet on the floor, and visualize leaving all of your troubles and thoughts behind you in the bed. Then, get up and nicely make your bed, leaving the troubles behind for the day. Making the bed is essential in this process, as it signals to your brain that there isn’t an option to get back in the bed for the day. As you make your bed, it can also be helpful to imagine the troubles you’re left behind dissipating as the covers are pulled up.

4) Wash Up – The more routine-setting steps you’re able to add on after you make your bed, the better. Try washing your face and brushing your teeth to help wake you up. With these kind of steps you’re training your brain to understand that you’re getting ready for “something,” rather than simply a day laying around.

5) Get Dressed – This is a crucial step in separating from the bed to the day. Sitting around in pajamas on the couch is still possible, even if you escape the bedroom. Getting dressed decreases the urge to lounge, because again you’re reinforcing in your brain that you’re getting ready for something.

6) Go Outside – This can be one of the toughest steps for people who struggle with depression — actually leaving the house. One of the problems with this step is that people are easily held back by not having a place to go. “Okay, I can go outside…..but then what?” So for this step, the idea is to not have a place to go. The goal is going outside, not the particular place you go once you’re outside. Go outside, close the door behind you, and do whatever comes to mind — a walk around the block, down the street, pacing in front of your house, getting in your car and driving on an errand, and so on. It can be anything or nothing at all, but the goal is to spend at least ten minutes outside before going back in.

7) Choose One Exercise – Getting your body moving is a good way to start feeling better. Choose an exercise that works for you: walking, running, swimming, jump-roping, etc. Whatever you choose to do, make it a point to do it every day when you go outside. And if it’s an indoor exercise (like a treadmill), do it before you go outside.

8) Make a List of Activities – Brainstorm activities that you’d enjoy doing. Include things to do at home and out with people. Try to generate a list of things that includes others and that gives you some time to yourself. The activities can be a mix of productive (e.g. work-related) activities, and hobbies, and self-care.

9) Schedule Activities – Schedule the activities throughout the week. Try to plan out either one or two weeks ahead of time and actually write the activities into your calendar with specific days and times. Spread them out as much as possible and make sure to stick to the schedule.

10) Daily Necessity Schedule  – This schedule is if you’re having trouble getting motivated to do your daily activities — such as eating, cooking, showering, or other household chores. For this, you’re creating a daily home schedule. Choose the specific times you’re going to do each activity every day. It can be as specific as you feel you need: time to get dressed, brush your teeth, start cooking, eating, showering, turning off the tv before bed, and so on. This is to help you get your daily necessities actually functioning on a daily basis.

11) See Family and Friends – This one is more about the people than the activity. Being around other people is often helpful for mood improvement. Schedule specific dates and times with friends and family, outside of the house. The more you can remove yourself from the environment of depression (usually the home and bedroom), the better chance of overcoming it.   

12) Psychotherapy – It’s important to keep in mind that the desire to stay inside and and lay around isn’t what causes depression — it is a symptom of depression. Psychotherapy remains a necessary step throughout the process of dealing with depression in order to prevent further episodes, reduce severity, and hopefully be rid of depression altogether. Even if we can resolve some of the motivational issues through pushing ourselves to take behavioral steps, the internal issues that are causing the depression still need to be addressed. Otherwise, when our motivation drops, the depression may return if we don’t have a handle on the underlying issues.

What’s most important to keep in mind is that you’re not going to feel like doing anything discussed above. If you’re going to wait to “feel like it”, then it may not happen. Using opposite action will be the necessary first step to conquering depression — knowing in your mind that it will be good for you to take the steps to move forward, and just doing it. By also engaging in psychotherapy, you’re still able to give appropriate attention to what’s happening inside of you, including if medication therapy may (or may not) also be helpful. You do have the power to increase your motivation and to break out of depression. It may take some effort, but the opportunity is there for you to reclaim your life.

I hear many people talk about how much “the world has changed” over the past ten years, or so. But I’ll raise a question, just for consideration: Has the world really changed, or has our awareness, perspective, and access to the world changed?

The Past World

Before the internet virtually exploded onto the planet, like a present day Big Bang, people mainly had three avenues through which to learn about events in the world: daily newspapers, radio, and news on tv. The word “daily” needs to be emphasized here. If you read something in the newspaper one morning and wanted to know more about the story, you either watched the news that night to see if there would be more information, listened to the radio, or you waited for the newspaper to arrive the next morning. That was basically how it worked.

People would get their dose of daily news, and then they’d go about their day. Maybe they discussed what they heard on the radio or read in the newspaper with co-workers, maybe they thought about something in the news that resonated with their lives, but there was much less attention to the outside world because there was much less information available. People still had their own life issues to deal with — it wasn’t a care-free time, by any means — but there was generally much less to be distracted by in one’s day before the internet.

How the Internet and Media Contribute to Stress and Anxiety

With the existence of the internet, we have the world’s biggest double-edged sword: having everything in the palm of our hands. Sure, we do have significantly positive access at our fingertips. But, the problem is how much more information exists a whole, and it’s constantly being added to throughout each day. Now, it’s not just the stories from the morning paper or evening news, there’s seemingly an endless amount of reporting space.

The media is constantly searching for information, no matter how meaningless or irrelevant the stories may be. How often have you heard a story and wondered, “Why is this news?” Sure, this went on before the internet as well, but it was on a much smaller scale since the space for reporting was so limited. Now, if there isn’t an updated or new story every few minutes, journalists are almost behind the game.

As a result, we are being constantly inundated with information that is often magnified simply for the purposes of getting people to read or follow. The problem is, our brains only have the capacity to take in so much. Even if we check our phones all day long for news updates, most likely we’re only seeing a small percentage of the information that exists now. So, if we’re not constantly keeping up, we are also behind. And it’s not just the news stories — it’s keeping up with the lives of our friends and acquaintances through the various social media, including almost limitless texting capacity (which keeps conversations ongoing), and all other intrigues of the internet.

This kind of environment creates an information overload. What people consider to be ‘multitasking’ is actually not possible. The human brain can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. When we multitask, we actually are focusing on single tasks for bits and pieces of time. This can end up creating symptoms similar to that of ADHD, where it can become very difficult to focus on any one activity for a length of time. Attention span is essentially diminished because there is an overwhelming amount of information constantly surrounding us. We’re like children in a huge toy store — but imagine being in that toy store while trying to work, or be with family, or study, or have interpersonal relationships at the same time. This is essentially what we do in our daily lives with the internet.

As alluded to earlier in this article, it isn’t only the amount of information that causes the stress and anxiety symptoms (though that gets its due credit), it’s also the type of information. The media often utilizes scare tactics to draw an audience. It’s subjective to say what is and isn’t newsworthy, but it’s hard not to notice the stories that strike unnecessary fear into people (for example, a news report every time an airplane is diverted, or someone was taken off a plane before takeoff for being too loud.). So between the amount and type of information that is available, people’s anxiety and stress increases.

There’s also the issue of certain resources that actually hurt more than help. For example, looking up illness symptoms on the internet. Many people begin diagnosing themselves with terminal illnesses or severe mental health disorders because they feel they have a couple of listed symptoms that correlate. When people have a fear, the psychological response is often to validate the fear with evidence, rather than to find a way to discredit the fear. so having too much information available can actually fuel a harmful thought-process.

So, Now What?

To clarify, this article isn’t meant to be anti-media or anti-internet, as much as it’s meant to foster awareness of how our virtually unlimited access to the world can overwhelm us psychologically, resulting in increased stress (including physical symptoms of stress — headaches, gastrointestinal issues, back pain, etc), anxiety, and attention span and focus issues. The reality is, too much space for information means too much information. The hours in the days haven’t increased from the pre-internet days, but how much we try to cram into our brains in our days has dramatically increased.

• Consider setting daily times for leisure activity on the internet — whether it’s reading news stories, shopping, sports, etc.

• If you work with a computer, consider shutting off the internet when possible to be more present.

• Put your phone away, out of reach, and set a time to check the phone for a few minutes every so often.

• Question news stories that stir anxiety or fear in you. They may be more dramatic (magnified) than necessary. Ask yourself such questions as, “Why is this being reported the way it is,” or, “Why is this being reported at all?” The answer can often be, “Because people will read it.” 

It’s our job to manage what we allow ourselves to be drawn into, to understand what we’re drawn to, and to monitor how much time we spend away from present reality by being on our computers and phones. Setting boundaries and developing an understanding of what we see on the internet will help us prevent unnecessary psychological overload.

Stressed man with laptop photo available from Shutterstock