Relationship Bridge Building

Are You Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You Back?

2009-11-08T18:06:41-08:00

Have you ever loved someone who didn’t love you back? I'm not talking about being involved with someone who hurts or abuses you.

I’m, also, not talking about loving from a distance, wishing and hoping the object of your affection would notice you. What I am talking about is being involved with someone who doesn’t have the same depth of feelings for you as you do for him or her. The person likes you all right and is willing to spend time with you but he or she just doesn’t love you the same as you love him or her.

How does that feel? Does it feel painful, as if you were losing out on something? I’m suggesting here that that kind of experience doesn’t have to be painful. If you are a person who loves deeply and intensely, you may not encounter someone to return the same depth of feeling that you have but that doesn’t mean the person you are with doesn’t give you all he or she has.

When you find someone to love that way and it feels so intense you think you might explode with excitement and happiness sometimes, that is a privilege---no matter what the other person returns to you. The simple act of loving another is truly a gift. How many people do you think go through life without ever loving that way? Too many!

When you have been given the honor and privilege of finding someone to love so intensely, enjoy the opportunity to share your feelings with the other person. Please don’t ruin that experience by deciding that if the other person doesn’t love you the same way or as strongly as you, then somehow that diminishes the love you feel for him or her.

Love is a gift. Give yours freely with no strings attached and you will be amazed at the satisfaction and unadulterated joy you can feel. It’s truly an amazing experience. Do you have one to share?

Free Things to do on an Autumn Date Night

2009-09-18T22:52:00-07:00

One of the things that works to keep relationships alive is spending quality time with each other. In this day of the information age, it is becoming increasingly difficult to carve out the necessary time to nurture our relationships. What with long work hours, helping kids with their homework, transporting them around to their extracurricular activities, getting dinner, cleaning up and going through the bedtime routine, what time is left?

Unless you orchestrate the time for your relationship, other less important things will crowd in and take what precious little time you do have. Pick a night that will be “date night” with your partner and make a game out of being as creative as you can be. Try to see how many things you can do without spending money.

To get you started, I’ve come up with some suggestions to help you for the next year. What follows are 13 ideas for how to spend creative time together without spending money every week this autumn. Feel free to add or modify any of the items on the list to suit your particular relationship and circumstances.

Autumn

Go for a drive together.
Go window shopping.
Incorporate food into your love making---chocolate syrup, whipped cream, fondue, strawberries---anything you and your partner enjoy.
Call or write to someone you haven’t had contact with in a while.
Cook something together.
Spend an evening just talking with each other. Talk about the things you have done, plans you have for the future, important people in your lives or current events.
Take a bubble bath together.
Go to a free movie or museum.
Take a drive and find the potential in old houses and their properties.
Create an imaginary story together---either orally or in written form.
Take turns being each other’s genie in a bottle by fulfilling your partner’s every wish and fantasy.
Play in the fallen leaves.
Create an exciting scavenger hunt that ends in your bed.

Certainly you don’t have to follow my suggestions. Feel free to add your own or to repeat your favorites as often as you’d like.

The main point is not to see how kinky you can get. The idea is to keep your relationship alive by making time together a priority. It is important that you find things to do as a couple that you can both enjoy. If you have vastly different interests then you can enter this with the spirit of taking turns and each agree to happily participate in the activity chosen by the one whose turn it is that week.

As long as you make a habit of making your relationship a priority and allocating time each week for rejuvenation of the feelings that attracted you in the first place, then you stand a good chance of staying together for the long haul.

Please don’t let insidious boredom enter into your relationship through the back door. This is what frequently happens when we are busy placing other things ahead of our time for each other. You know what I mean---the job, the kids, our friend in crisis, etc. There will always be a competing interest for the time you’ve set aside for each other.

Other than natural disasters, threat of death or major crises, do not allow your time together to be invaded by any outside forces. Make sure to create opportunities for you to do things together without outside influence. With more than 50% of today’s marriages ending in divorce, make this small investment in the longevity of your relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. What’s stopping you? Start today.

If you try any of these suggestions or have creative suggestions to add to the list, please let me know.

If you are interested in having regular relationship advice come directly to your inbox, then go to The Relationship Center and sign up for our free monthly newsletter.

Relationship Q & A

2009-06-09T09:33:00-07:00

Q: I made a terrible mistake and ended a relationship with someone with someone I truly love. I have told her how I feel and that I want her back. She says she is not interested. She has a new boyfriend now. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know if I can go on without her. I really screwed up---I didn’t think I was ready for a commitment.

A: This is a very difficult situation and I am sorry for your pain. Unrequited love is very painful. There is an expression that says, “Timing is everything” and I believe that is the saying that is most applicable in your situation. If your former girlfriend is not interested in a reconciliation at this time, then you must respect her wishes. Trying to coerce her into resuming your relationship when she is not ready is disrespectful of her wishes. This will not engender you to her in the long run.

Be patient. If you believe you are meant to be together, then you will find your way back to each other when the time is right. If she doesn’t come back to you, then you need to understand that it wasn’t meant to be and you would benefit from letting go of the hope that you will get back together so that you, also, can start over.

Book Review: The Kaizen Way

2009-06-07T09:11:00-07:00

The Kaizen Way: One Small Step Can Change Your Life
by Robert Maurer, Ph.D.

This book is applicable to many topics including starting over. The Kaizen Way is about accomplishing our goals one small step at a time. Kaizen is a Japanese word, whose essence is captured in the phrase, “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step.”---Lao Tzu. It simply means taking small, manageable steps toward your goal.

Dr. Maurer speaks about how kaizen and innovation are the two major strategies people use to create change. "Where innovation demands shocking and radical reform, all kaizen asks is that you take small, comfortable steps toward improvement.” Some people are more prone by their nature to act with the broad strokes of innovation but in my experience, sometimes when I stop something “cold turkey” or I vow to begin something religiously, I will do so for a short while and then, gradually drift back toward my old habits.

Dr. Maurer suggests kaizen when those habits we are attempting to change are extremely stubborn and/or when you have a degree of fear about making the necessary change. Taking small, baby steps is the way we “tiptoe past our fear,” Dr. Maurer asserts.

This is what I believe makes kaizen the perfect approach for starting over. Our old habit of spending time with our loved one, thinking about him or her, loving him or her is a habit that is extremely stubborn to change. It’s hard to just quit a person “cold turkey,” especially when it wasn’t our idea in the first place. And often there is a great degree of fear about starting over---fear of loneliness, fear of pity from others, fear of harsh judgments from others, fear of rejection from someone new, fear of never finding anyone, fear of intimacy with a new partner, fear of letting go of the original relationship, fear of realizing our “love” wasn’t what we imagined it to be, fear of being hurt again and a host of other possible fears.

The best way to begin is just to begin. Ask yourself some kaizen questions. What’s one small thing you can do to smile today? What’s something you can do for five minutes every day where you will think of something other than your lost loved one? What’s one small thing I you can do to feel better about yourself today? If you weren’t afraid of failing, what would you be doing? If you knew for a certainty that you I would be meeting your “perfect” mate next month, what would you be doing differently today? What’s one thing you like about being single again? If you were guaranteed not to fail, what’s one small thing you would be doing differently? What’s one small step you could take toward moving on with your life? What is one small thing that’s special about you?

Another suggestion by Dr. Maurer is to create a mind sculpture. Mind sculpting is a lot like visualization but with an added strong emotional component. So, you would be imagining and visualizing a happy, fulfilled life either by yourself or with a new partner. Make sure when you are watching your “mental movie” that you are also experiencing each of your senses along with a strong, positive emotional component. Fill in the answer to what are you seeing? What do you taste, smell and hear? What do you touch or feel on your skin? And how are you feeling emotionally?

It may seem that small steps would only yield minuscule results, however, as Dr. Maurer explains one small step will lead to another and then to another until your fear response has been bypassed and then rapid change can occur. One day, you will look around and realize you have accomplished your goal and didn’t even realize it. There are other techniques in this book: solve small problems, bestow small rewards and identify small moments. I recommend it as a book that can give you ideas for accomplishing goals that have been alluding you.

And if you find yourself trying to get over someone and start again, why not try some coaching? Coaching can help you to stay on track and focused on your ultimate success.

Click here to order The Kaizen Way.

Letting Go of Past Relationships

2009-06-06T08:58:00-07:00

After I had written an article on “Starting Over,” something was brought to my attention to make me realize that I had forgotten a critical point in a person’s attempts to start over. Before anyone can even begin to think about starting over, he or she must first let go of their previous relationship.

So many times, people attempt to start over while still clinging to the hope that their prior partner will come to his or her senses and want to resume their relationship. As long as a person is harboring those kinds of feelings, it is incredibly difficult to start over.

If starting over is what you sincerely desire, then in your heart and in your mind, you must let go of your past love. This can be done with great generosity of spirit and does not have to involve ill feelings of any kind.

You must realize that the relationship is over. Your previous partner has opted out of the relationship. The likelihood that s/he will be back is slim. Decide to cherish the time you did have together, learn whatever lesson it was you were supposed to learn and say a permanent goodbye to the couple part of your relationship.

Grieve the loss if you must but let go of your prior relationship so that you give yourself a reasonable chance of successfully starting over.

If you are really ready to do this work, you may find our Prepare to Love Again ebook helpful. Check it out. We always offer a 100% money-back guarantee so there's nothing to lose.

Lose the Weight You Want Forever

2009-06-04T08:47:00-07:00

How many times have you attempted to lose weight only to gain it and more back again? Are you tired of being on a diet? Wonder what makes this program different?

In this 12-week course, you will learn Choice Theory, the new psychology of personal freedom, as an explanation for why you do what you do---no matter what is behind your weight issue, this theory can provide a framework for understanding.

Well, in the first place, it is done in the privacy of your own home at your own pace. You decide when to complete the next lesson. This program does not focus on the number on the scale. It is about what you tell yourself and the habits in which you engage. Most weight loss programs fail because you are still having thoughts and behavior that support your bad habits. This program will help you change that.

You will learn the psychology and physiology about weight loss. Along with this knowledge comes a decision for you to make---what are you going to do with this new knowledge? You will explore your past successes, your food triggers and the thoughts you tell yourself. You will learn ways to reprogram your mind for long lasting change.

This program can help you become more satisfied when you look in the mirror. You will be able to visualize the end result from the beginning. You will find the right and healthy weight for yourself and be happy when you accomplish it. You will have more energy and a more positive outlook on life.

Give it a try. We offer a 100% money back guarantee. If you have applied the ideas in this course and are not completely satisfied with the quality of the program, then you simply let us know and we will refund what you paid and you get to keep the lessons you were sent besides! How can you lose? And it’s Only $47---much less than other weight loss programs!

Check it out NOW!

Relationship Q & A

2009-06-02T04:26:00-07:00

Q: What are the pros and cons of hiring a private detective when you suspect your husband of being unfaithful?

A: I would say that my answer to this question would depend on what you hope to accomplish by hiring the detective. What will you do with the information? Of course the answer will be different for everyone but I would advise against hiring a private detective. What is it specifically in your relationship right now that leads you to believe your husband may be having an affair? Does he come home late from work? Is he suddenly taking business trips out of town? Have you found receipts for things that you know nothing about? Does he receive calls on his cell phone that he won’t take in front of you? There are all kinds of possible clues that someone may be cheating but none of these situations is proof.

I say deal with the information you do have. Confront the situations that are bothering you. Don’t accuse your man of having an affair without proof. Ask him to come home earlier. Ask if you can go on his next business trip with him. Ask him straightforwardly about any receipts you’ve found. Tell him when he doesn’t take calls, you get concerned that he is hiding something from you. You need to ask for what you want. If your husband won’t discuss the issue or refuses to negotiate a compromise, then you have to ask yourself if this is a relationship that you want to stay in, regardless or whether or not he is having an affair. A relationship is about give and take.

Now, let’s say that you do hire the detective and learn unequivocally that your husband is seeing another woman. What will you do? How will that information help you? Or, let’s say that the detective finds no proof of an illicit affair. Now how do you feel? Maybe you are relieved. What will you tell your husband when he learns that you have violated his privacy, had him followed and used family money to do it? Will you ever really trust your man? What kind of relationship do you really have if you have to spy on him?

I believe that in relationships, you need to evaluate the quality of the relationship you are in. Does it meet your needs? Is it what you want? Do you get as much as you give? There are ways to improve one’s relationship and if that is what you are interested in, coaching can help. Do something to improve things. Or make the decision to end the relationship. Once you violate the trust of your relationship by having your man followed, it is very difficult to get it back.

What do you, my readers, think?

If you are interested in coaching to figure out what to do with your relationship, go to the Relationship Center and check out our personalized coaching packages. It costs nothing to look.

Book Review: In the Meantime

2009-05-31T04:21:00-07:00

In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want
by Iyanla Vanzant

I read this book some time ago but today seemed like a good day to dust it off and tell you all about it if you haven’t already read it. In it, Iyanla Vanzant speaks about the universal desire to find our soul mate---that one person who completes us and makes everything right in our world. She uses the metaphor of cleaning one’s house to getting our inner selves ready to receive our soul mate when they do appear in our lives. Vanzant shares her own story of meeting her soul mate at summer camp when she was just a teen. Even though their paths in life crossed several times, it wasn’t the right time for them to be together until recently---she was married, he was married and now they are finally through their own personal “meantime” and married to each other.

There is nothing wrong with going through the “meantime”. It is a necessary transition to be ready to accept the love into your life that you deserve. However, the meantime is not a time to sit around and bemoan the fact that our soul mate isn’t showing up. It is a time of intense personal scrutiny to discover what we must get right within ourselves to be ready for our true love. Ms. Vanzant takes us through the steps to prepare us for that time.

If you are alone or involved in a “meantime” relationship, then this book is for you. It will help you grow spiritually and show you how to gradually become your best self. It offers hope that someday your “meantime” while be over. Until then. . .enjoy the book!

Click here to order this book.

Relationship Tip

2009-05-30T03:52:00-07:00

Someone wrote in and asked what to do when a person’s partner is pulling away. I think the first thing to do is recognize that it is happening and ask your partner about it. Simply ask what they need from you. Would they prefer to talk or to have their space and then, honor whatever they say. During the time that follows, be as positive in the relationship as you are able. Generally, when someone starts to pull away it could be for a variety of reasons---it may be something to do with your relationship but it may not be related to you at all. You need to create a place where your partner can feel safe, loved, cherished, important, respected, and appreciated in spite of whatever insecurity you may be feeling. Don’t add to whatever the problem is by displaying needy behavior. This will only exacerbate the problem. Look at what you are doing and ask yourself the question, “Would I want to move closer to the person I am being right now?” If the answer is no, then change your behavior.

This is not a guarantee that things will work out. There are situations where one person, for whatever reason, decides he or she needs to be out of their current relationship. If this is the case, you will survive this much better if you give up your resistance to what is. There may be something even better in store for you if you maintain a positive attitude. This is where the expression, “Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened” comes into play. Be appreciative for the time you did have and know that there is more for you on the horizon. Respect yourself! Don’t beg or otherwise attempt to coerce someone to stay in a relationship with you who has obviously decided to move on. Let be what will be and look ahead to a better day. If you need help with this, see a counselor or hire a relationship coach.

At the Relationship Center, we offer a free 20-minute coaching call. You can click on the link and make arrangements for your free call to see if coaching would be beneficial for you.

Relationship Quote

2009-05-28T03:47:00-07:00

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

--- Sam Keen

No one is perfect. I know so many people who are alone and lonely because they go through their lives looking for the perfect person to love. They will look a lifetime and still come up empty! Perfection does not exist in another person but what we can find is a person to love. This happens when we see a person for who they really are and recognize the assets and the flaws and love them anyway. When we see an imperfect person perfectly we know they are the perfect person for us and don’t want to change a thing! I wish you luck on the search for your imperfect person and the correct sight to see them perfectly.

If you are having trouble seeing your imperfect partner perfectly, then you may want to try coaching to get you on the right track. Coaching can help you to become the person you want to be in your relationship and in your life. Check out our personalized coaching packages to see if you can find something that will work for you.