I want to weigh less. I want to eat delicious foods in endless amounts. The world is happy to support me in both of these endeavors, although somewhat less helpful in untangling my constantly colliding opposing intentions.

It’s hard to know what to do with this website. Normally, when I decide to lose weight and set up a blog, I get my little weight-loss tracker all set up and create a neat chart for my weigh-in and measurements data. That doesn’t feel right at the moment. It’s not that I mind sharing my numbers (I’m 5′3 tall and weigh about 195 lbs); it’s that it might take a really, really long time for healthy changes I make to show up impressively on any scale.

I find it scary to venture into a world where progress is sometimes less objectively charted, perhaps because despite being pretty self-aware, I often wonder who I really am. My true identity always seems somehow up for grabs. When I’m having a bad day, I can easily convince myself I am a horrible person making no headway whatsoever. Other days, things seem brighter, more possible.

[Note: I wrote this post as my entry into the Eat Without Guilt contest. Dinneen's site focuses on changing her readers' relationship with food in order to positively impact their lives.]

My biggest weight-loss challenge is myself. My prickly, insecure, overeating self.

Through the years, especially as I abandoned the wilder pursuits of my early 20s, food has been my way of taming my inner savage. I honestly feel like it has kept me sane during some of the loneliest times in my life. My mind shuts down as I constantly nibble at sweets, comforted when I know I have a good supply at hand.

The outward result? I now weigh close to 200 lbs, and aside from my boyfriend, keep others at arm’s length. Sugar keeps me going. I feel like there is nothing real to me, no strong center to cling to when I doubt myself. It’s all just bursts of sucrose-induced good will interspersed with edgy anxiety mixed with denial.

But the truth is: it’s not going to stop by itself. I’m going to keep getting bigger if I don’t find and commit to a new way of living. I am terrified.

I feel that I can’t trust my body; it would be like trusting a currently-using addict. My intuition is at war with the darker parts of my mind that are afraid to change. And when I can’t trust myself, who or what can I trust?

Saying that my biggest weight-loss challenge is myself was a bit simplistic. Really the problem lies in my dependency on food, especially sweets, to provide the sweetness in my life. It lies in my past inability or unwillingness to be patient and trust in the slow, steady process of change.