Photo by visualpanic

Lately, when I look back on my day – I realize that so much of my life is composed of Rituals.  Some new – some old.  Everyday I write one quote in my quote book, I read from The Maxwell Daily Reader, I check my email, Twitter & Facebook, and I drink a cup of Peet’s Coffee (Major Dickason’s Blend).  On Monday’s I redesign my blog header & background, on Friday’s I clean & organize my house, on Saturday’s I take my dogs to the dog park, and on Sunday’s I catch up on work and plan for the week ahead.  And once a year I choose a new Life Theme Song.  I do these things on Automatic Pilot.  They are the rituals that make up the structure of the days, weeks, months, and years of my life.

What rituals make up your life?

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Photo by bella lago

I’ve been going through my home this week purging the past – room by room – to make way for my future.  Cleaning out drawers and closets, organizing shelves and cupboards, even cleaning under the bed.  Finding forgotten memories and even forgotten records of future plans.  But it was an old diary with a single entry that stopped me in my tracks.  A small pink diary with teddy bears and roses on the cover.  The kind of diary that locks on the side with a tiny golden key.  The entry inside reads:

January 8th, 1999

You said, “Isn’t it wonderful that the most beautiful day of the year fell on your birthday.”

And I suddenly remembered that it wasn’t all bad.  There was a time – although so long ago I can hardly picture it now – that we were happy.  There was a time when the words he spoke weren’t colored by lies and betrayal.  There was a time when things seemed simple and easy.  I sat down and I let myself remember every good moment I could think of – saying goodbye to each of those moments in my mind – the same way I was saying goodbye to the physical objects as I packed them away.  And when I was all done – I knew that that would be the first and the last time I would ever think of those memories again.

Isn’t it strange the difference a year makes?  They say that birthdays are good for you.  In fact, statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest (ba-da-bum).  But seriously – I am amazed.  I’m amazed by how the person you know best in the world – can become the person you knew.  And I’m even more amazed by how little a difference not having that person in your life can make.  And that’s when I started thinking about the value we put on “Things” in our lives.  Whether those “things” are people or material objects.  And how sometimes we hold on to and fight for things – that if we had been paying attention to our heart’s song – we’d know we never really wanted in the first place.  And how sometimes happiness is about letting go – and embracing the power of Simplicity.

The Places That Scare You…

Which of course brings me to the theme for Week 4 of ReinventingErica.com – SIMPLICITY.  I own several books on Simplicity – but I’ve decided that the book that really captures this theme for me – isn’t specifically about simplicity.  It’s about how we view our own lives.  The book is The Places That Scare You by Pema Chödrön.  I chose this book because I believe that ulimately SIMPLICITY is about being able to be utterly alone with ourselves and like the company we keep.  It’s about facing life without self-medicating with TV, the internet, food, phone calls to friends, alcohol & drugs, shopping, or any other “pick your poison” distraction.  According to Chödrön, “the essence of bravery is being without self-deception”. And what could be more simple – then living a life free even of the deceptions we tell ourselves?  In one of my favorite passages she says:

It’s up to us.  We can spend our lives cultivating our resentments and cravings or we can explore the path of the warrior – nurturing open-mindedness and courage.  Most of us keep strengthening our negative habits and therefore sow seeds of our own suffering.

Goals for Week 4

• Simplify my emotions down to their essence and core – and then embrace and accept them completely.
• Write with complete honesty and vulnerability.
• Find A Place For Everything – And Keep Everything In It’s Place.
• Practice Walking Meditation.
• Do One Thing At A Time – Remain Present & Focused.

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Photo by alicepopkorn ( in and out )

My friend Kelsey Ruger has a knack for creating brilliant, unique and informative presentations on just about any topic you can name.  But the topic he loves to talk about the most is Creativity.  I invite you to take a peek at some of his past Creativity Presentations over on Slideshare, or read his blog on Creativity, Technology, Design & Leadership.  And so I dedicate Week 3 of ReinventingErica – CREATIVITY to my friend and mentor Kelsey.

Book of the Week – A Whole New Mind

This week’s book of the week is A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink.

Lawyers. Accountants. Computer programmers. That’s what our parents encouraged us to become when we grew up. But Mom and Dad were wrong. The future belongs to a very different kind of person with a very different kind of mind. The era of “left brain” dominance, and the Information Age that it engendered, are giving way to a new world in which “right brain” qualities-inventiveness, empathy, meaning-predominate. That’s the argument at the center of this provocative and original book, which uses the two sides of our brains as a metaphor for understanding the contours of our times.

Goals for Week 3 – CREATIVITY

• Walk at least 6 miles 5 days this week.
• Journal all of the activities from A Whole New Mind
• Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day
• Finally write a Business Plan for Peanut Butter Media
• Work Through Erica Douglass’s Blog Success Manifesto

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I was thinking a lot today about Randy Pausch.  Do you remember Randy Pausch?  He was the professor from Carnegie Mellon who died last year at the age of 47 from Pancreatic Cancer.  But not before he reminded us all what it means to live.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the drama of our own lives.  I’ve probably wasted YEARS of my life wallowing in my own self-pity.  But in the immortal words of Ally McBeal: “We’re all victims of our own choices.”

Here’s the thing – We have a choice in how we spend our time.  We have a choice about how we handle grief, despair, fear, and pain.  We can choose to spend the precious minutes, hours, and days of our lives stuck in the past – or we can fearlessly move forward towards our dreams without looking back.  Knowing that “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ¹

I’m not happy about recent events in my life.  But surprisingly – I’m not unhappy about them either.  The emotion I seem to be feeling most these days is EXCITEMENT.  I’m excited about the future.  I’m excited about the new possibilities that are suddenly open to me.  I’m excited to be doing it on my own.  I feel alive and free.  And you know what they say about Freedom – it’s just another word for nothing left to lose.  I keep coming back again and again to a quote from an article by Julia Allison where she says: “…but I’m still not convinced one should make life choices solely to avoid possible future unhappiness”.  Genius.

From Dr. Phil to Dale Carnegie

When I was 19 years old, I went through a debilitating depression.  The kind of depression where I slept for 17-18 hours a day and “forgot” to shower for over a week.  If you’ve never suffered from depression, it might be hard for you to understand how utterly incapacitating this disease can be.  I went to therapists, and I took anti-depressants…but it was Dr. Phil who ultimately saved my life.

Now no matter what you might think of Dr. Phil – sometimes a little tough love is exactly what the doctor ordered.  His book Life Strategies took me out of victim mode, and helped me to regain accountability and control over my life.  Feeling helpless and powerless are very common and crippling by-products of depression.  I was an honors/AP student in High School – so while I was brilliant academically – I had never been taught how to cope with real life, and coping skills are essential to long-term success and sanity.  The most valuable thing I learned from Dr. Phil was that I was 100% responsible for my life and every experience in it.  At first this totally bummed me out.  I was responsible for my life?  I was the sole reason that I was feeling this way?  I couldn’t just blame it all on someone else?  I couldn’t blame my parents?  I had created this reality?  But then I realized that this also meant that I was 100% responsible for my future.  And in an instant I stopped feeling helpless – and I started to feel empowered.

“Miracles start to happen when you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears.” ²  So there I was, face to face with my own miracle.  My life literally changed in an instant.  One moment I was depressed and wallowing in self-pity, and the next I was free from depression and ready to take on the world.  Which is exactly what I did.

Recently I found myself falling into old habits.  The circumstances of my life made it almost impossible for me to feel anything but sorry for myself.  I spent so much time being worried, anxious, fearful, and conflicted that I had stopped living all together.  But this time I knew that I was accountable for my life and that I had “taught people how to treat me”.  There was no one to blame but me, myself, and I.

But I needed a new set of coping skills to get me out of my funk – and on with living.  That’s when I discovered Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.  BINGO! – I had discovered a new instruction manual for living – complete with new coping strategies and techniques.

Instructions For Living ³

1. Live in “Day-Tight” Compartments.  Don’t Dwell on the past – or worry about the future.  Just live each day until bedtime.
2. Remember that living in worry can be deadly.  “Those who do not know how to fight worry die young.”⁴
3. Use Willis H. Carrier’s Magic Formula:
   1. Ask “What’s the worst that can happen?”
   2. Prepare to mentally accept the worst that can happen.
   3. Do what you can to improve on the worst.
4. Keep busy.  It’s hard to worry about the future – when you barely have time to focus on now.
5. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.
6. Fill your mind with thoughts of abundance and gratitude.
7. Live Authentically.  Don’t try to imitate others.
8. Let Go of Resentment, Anger, Envy, and other destructive emotions as quickly as possible.
9. Do the most important thing FIRST.
10. Work with Passion & Enthusiasm – Rest Peacefully.

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Photo by Andreas-photography

What does your perfect day look like?  I’m still waiting for my Perfect Day but it looks something like this.  I spring out of bed at 4:30 in the morning, hop in the shower, and then drink a glass of water and a cup of tea.  Then I do 90 minutes of Bikram Yoga, followed by 1 Hour of Meditation at the Chung Tai Zen Center of Houston.  At 8:00 AM I eat breakfast while reading my RSS feeds and going over my Action Method goals for the day.  From 9:00 AM until 12:30 PM I attend meetings, answer emails, and do client work.  At 12:30 PM I have lunch with a friend (or group of friends). 1:30 PM and it’s back to Client Work and Meetings.  At 3:30 PM I end work for the day, and now it’s time for Personal Development and Personal Projects.  At 5:30 PM I do a Strength Training Workout or take my cockapoo Ashleigh for a 2 mile walk at the park (she always needs the exercise).  6:30 – 8:30 PM is time spent at Networking Events or on Personal Development & Personal Projects.  At 9:00 PM I get into bed and read my book of the week, and at 9:30 PM I go to sleep.  Here’s a more detailed breakdown of my perfect day:

4:30 AM – Wake, Shower, Drink Glass of Water and Cup of Tea
5:15 AM – Bikram Yoga, Drink Glass of Water
7:00 AM – Meditation at Chung Tai Zen Center of Houston, Drink Glass of Water
8:00 AM – Breakfast, RSS Feeds, Action Method Goals, Comment on Blogs/Forums, Drink Glass of Water
9:00 AM – Meetings, Answer Emails, Client Work
12:30 PM – Lunch with a Friend(s), Drink Glass of Water
1:30 PM – Meetings, Client Work
3:30 PM – Personal Development
5:30 PM – Strength Training, Take Ashleigh to the Park, Drink Glass of Water
6:30 PM – Dinner, Networking Events, Drink Glass of Water
7:30 PM – Personal Development, Networking Events
9:00 PM – Read/Blog, Drink Glass of Water
9:30 PM – SLEEP

I think most of us have some idea of what our perfect day looks like.  I wouldn’t be surprised if your perfect day looked a lot like mine (especially if you’re a single, ambitious, career driven woman with a Type-A personality).  I’d love to hear about your perfect day in the comments below.

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When I was a little girl my family went through some really tough financial times. I remember going with my mother to get gas and being embarrassed when she paid with a roll of dimes. But my Mother wasn’t embarrassed. She was doing what she had to do to raise her family. I was both ashamed and inspired by her at the same time.

This week’s theme is FEARLESSNESS, and every time I hear that word I think of the Fearless women who have inspired me through the years (my Mom included). Later this week I’ll be doing a full length post on the Amazingly Fearless Women in my life, but first let me introduce the Goals and Book of the Week for Week 2 of ReinventingErica.com.

Book Of The Week

It probably comes as no surprise that I’ve chosen Arianna Huffington’s On Becoming Fearless as this week’s book of the week.  This was one of my favorite books from 2008, and I’m looking forward to reading it again.  Fearlessness is one of the qualities I’ve always aspired to and longed for…a word that I’ve never imagined being able to apply to myself.  Generally I see myself as an over-educated, self-conscious weakling who’s still scared of the boggie man hiding in her closet.  So I’m looking forward to cultivating a little more Fearlessness in my life this week.

Goals for the Week

Last week I set what I consider to be foundational goals.  Goals that I hoped once mastered would create a foundation for future goals.  To recap, the goals from Week One were: 1) Get Enough Sleep, 2) Become A Morning Person, 3) Drink More Water, 4) Let Go of Perfection, 5) Practice Daily Meditation, 6) Laugh.  I’ll be carrying over a couple of these goals that I’ve haven’t quite mastered from Week One, while adding in a couple of new goals for this week.

• Become A Morning Person (this is carried over from Week One – going from night owl to early bird is much harder than I thought)
• Drink More Water (I definitely drank more water last week then I usually do – but I’m still struggling with drinking a full 8-10 glasses of water a day)
• Workout at least 1 hour every day
• Write with more Honesty and Vulnerability
• Do at least one thing that scares me every day
• Laugh

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Photo by hanssolo.

Reference Guide for Week 1 of ReinventingErica.com – Theme CHANGE

You can download the Week One Reference Guide in PDF Format Here

Books

Change The Way You See Everything Through Asset-Based Thinking by Hank Wasiak
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Websites/Blogs/Articles

Become A Morning Person/Get Enough Sleep

• Can A Night Owl Become A Morning Persons?
• 10 Benefits of Rising Early, and How to Do It
• How to Become an Early Riser

Drink More Water

• 9 Great Reasons to Drink Water
• Dr. Vik – Give Me Some Water!

Let Go of Perfection

• Liz Strauss – The Genius That Is You
• Erica Douglass – Perfectionism is Your Worst Enemy

Practice Meditation

• How Meditation Helped Me Let Go of Perfection
• The Change Blog – The 5 Keys to Transformational Success
• 10 Facts About Transcendental Meditation

Laugh

• The Bloggess – I’m Running Out of Grocery Stores That I’m Allowed to Go Back To

Quotes

“In everyone’s life, at some time our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the human spirit.” ~Albert Schweitzer

“If you have one foot on the train and one foot on the platform, it is eventually going to get very uncomfortable.” ~Gil Penchina

“What’s encouraging about meditation is that even if we shut down, we can no longer shut down to ignorance.  We see very clearly that we’re closing off.  That in itself begins to illuminate the darkness of ignorance.” ~Pema Chodron

“When you change the way you see things, the things you see change.” ~Anonymous

Action Guide

This week’s theme was CHANGE.  Here are some of the ways you can incorporate CHANGE into your own reinvention project.

• Change The Way You View Challenges: Instead of viewing Challenges as Difficult, view them as Opportunities for Growth.
• Think of Life as an Experiment: Take a note out of AJ Jacobs life. Jacobs is an author and columnist who has set out to live his life as a series of Experiments. One Year he read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica from A to Z, another year he spent the entire year “living the ultimate biblical life” (following every rule of the Bible). Set out on your own Life Experiment.
• Start with Small Changes and Build: Try taking a new route to work, eating a new type of cuisine, or exploring an unfamiliar local attraction. Get used to trying new things every week, and soon it will be second nature.

Are You Reinventing Yourself?

If you’re currently working on your own Reinvention Program – I’d love to hear from you.  Feel free to email me at: ericaogrady@gmail.com

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Last week I realized that over the past couple of months I’ve been developing a rather nasty habit.  There is no question that recently my life has been (and this is putting it mildly) incredibly stressful.  Like most people – when I’m under enormous pressure and stress the one thing I want most in the world is to find something to distract myself from the pain.  Pain, Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt – scare me.  And having to face Pain, Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt head-on is like willingly walking into a dark room full of cobras.  It’s not fun for any of us.

I could have chosen a lot of different ways to distract myself.  I could have taken on a new side project, started a new local event, thrown myself into my current work, spent more time with friends, cleaned house, taken up drinking, learned a new language, or finally written the Great American Novel – but instead I got LOST.  Both literally and figuratively. I started obsessing about why Kate would choose Sawyer over Jack, when Jack was clearly the better man?  Or what was going to be revealed about The Dharma Project on the next episode of LOST?  I started with Season 1, and watched straight through Season 5 – sometimes watching as many as 8 episodes in a single day!  I was self-medicating, and Television had become my drug of choice.

And for a while it worked.  When I was done with LOST – I was on to Mad Men, Royale Pains, and my all time low Charm School.  But then I remembered Jessica Sullivan.  Jessica Sullivan was a girl I knew in Middle School and High School.  Beautiful, smart, talented, from the right family – the kind of girl who was clearly destined for Greatness.  Jessica was an amazing student and athelete.  I could never understand how she seemed to excel at everything.  It wasn’t until High School that I learned the secret of her success.  Jessica’s parents didn’t allow her to watch television during the school week.  If there was something she wanted to see on TV, they would record it for her using their Dual Deck JVC VCR (remember this was pre-TiVo).

So while I was waiting breathlessly to find out if Brenda Walsh was going to lose her virginity to Dylan Mckay – Jessica was conjugating latin verbs, designing solar dog houses, and writing her own collection of short stories.  She was living her life – and I was watching other people live their imaginary lives on the Sitcom Du Jour.  But I wasn’t alone – not then or now.

Self-medicating is a time-honored American tradition.  It’s as American as Apple Pie or Chinese Food.  At some point – we all do it.  The important thing is to recognize when we’re doing it – and to stop.  Here are 5 ways to stop Self-medicating and start Living.

1. Take A 2-Week Detox:  Self-medicating (whether with food, tv, work, drugs, alcohol, etc) can be addictive.  As long as you feed your addiction, you’ll only be half participating in life.  It’s hard to quit anything cold-turkey – and the first 2 weeks are undoubtedly the hardest.  But you owe it to yourself and your own sanity to escape the crutches, addictions, and obssessions that are keeping you from living a full life.  If you’re self-medicating with work, this could be a good time for that vacation you’ve been meaning to take.
2. Replace A Negative Habit with a Positive Habit:  If you’re self-medicating by overeating – commit to drinking one 8 oz glass of water, or working out for 5 minutes every time you’re tempted to eat between meals.  If you’re watching too much TV, instead read your RSS feeds or a good book.  The point is to find positive ways to fill your time so you’re not tempted to slip back into negative patterns.
3. Lean Into The _______ (Fear, Pain, Uncertainty, Doubt, Embarrasment, Shame, etc):  Sometimes it’s hard to face life – especially when things get difficult.  Our natural reaction to Fear or Pain generally activates a fight or flight response.  Unfortunately – neither response benefits us.  The best thing we can do when faced with a fearful or uncomfortable situation is to lean into and become comfortable with our fears.
4. Develop Unconditional Self-Acceptance:  The number one reason that we self-medicate is because we’re scared to face our true selves.  The world is tough enough already – without all of the negative self-talk and self-loathing that we practice on a daily basis.  Stop comparing yourself and your life to other people’s – and start loving and accepting yourself exactly as you are now.
5. Be Quick to Forgive and Move Forward:  You’re not going to change all of your negative behaviors overnight.  It’s going to take time.  And chances are you’re going to slip up along the way.  So forgive quickly and move forward.

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Have you ever woken up one morning and said – “When did this become my life?”

I used to ask this question all the time – except it used to be followed by “Seriously – How Lucky Am I?” and now it’s followed by “Could it possibly get any worse?”

By the way – the answer is yes…so do yourself a favor and NEVER ask that question.

But I’m the happiest, most optimistic girl on the planet – what could have possibly happened to send me spiraling into one of the darkest depressions of my life?  Well SHE happened and then IT happened – and the next thing you know I started questioning everything about myself and my life – and finding that almost everything that I thought was true – WASN’T.  I know I’m not the first person to ever have the proverbial rug pulled out from under them – but it’s still tough.

I’ve spent over a decade of my life in a relationship that allowed me to define myself in a very specific way.  And now – I feel lost, scared, inadequate, and utterly alone.  Worst of all – I don’t have a clue what to do next.  I’m paralyzed.

Many of you have given me advice.  My dear Liz Strauss keeps reminding me to Love Myself.  In Sanskrit there is a term called Maitri which means “loving-kindness towards oneself”.  I think most women tend to put the needs of everyone else before their own…and at the end of the day, there is nothing left.  What if we did things differently?  What if instead of getting our validation from outside sources, we developed a deep acceptance and love of who we are right now?  That’s what my project The Bliss Ring is all about.  If this strikes a cord with you – I invite you to contribute your own story about self-acceptance and bliss by visiting The Bliss Ring.

My Big Brother Paige gave me some amazing advice when he said: “How can you possibly found a movement on Happiness and Bliss when you’re living in Depression and Despair?  How can you possibly hope to help anyone find Happiness,  from where you are?” Touché.

And my friend Mark Schmulen passed on some advice he’d just received from the CEO of Wikia – Gil Penchina who said: Indecision can put you in a bad place…“if you have one foot on the train and one foot on the platform, it is eventually going to get very uncomfortable.”

So this of course brings me back to this week’s theme – Change.  I think that real and lasting change can only happen after we get really unsatisfied about something.  In my case – I’m unsatisfied with just about everything.  I’ve spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself – but that doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.  So now – I’m ready to stop feeling sorry for myself and instead start using that energy to Change.

The Invitation

I keep returning again and again to a poem I read years ago.  A poem written by a woman who was unsatisfied with herself and the world around her.  A poem that was passed from person to person, country to country, continent to continent – until it spread all over the world.  And I wanted to share that poem with you here now as a reminder that there is no need to settle for anything less then genuine happiness and bliss.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love — for your dreams — for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow -
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain — mine or your own without moving to hide it – or fade it – or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy — mine or your own
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes,
without cautioning us to – be careful – be realistic
To remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless, and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty — even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure — yours and mine — and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES”.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair – weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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