Because no one wants to have to go to prom alone.

via Reddit.

Your future looks a hell of a lot brighter through beer goggles.

And there are very few opportunities in life to do something right, actually feel good about it, and get a nice buzz going at the same time.

Which is why it’s critical to bring a case of brew to your child’s back-to-school night.

First, you sort of know it’s mannerly to bring along a little something when you’re invited somewhere. Second, you also know these academic evenings can be as tedious as reading itself.

The process is as simple, and it’s similar to another academic standout: a college tailgate party. You mosey into the room (humble and smiling) with the bounty of beer tucked under one arm and a cold tall boy in your other hand…and that hand, naturally, is extended to your child’s teacher. It’s an offer of liquid sustenance, yes, but also a way of saying to her: “I come in peace. I come in a partying frame of mind. I come with another case in the minivan if you want to meet me out there after this horseshit evening ends…”

Then do what is proper and good and uniquely American: distribute those cheap ales to everyone around and expect nothing in return except respect for doing the right thing.

Because permanent ink means permanent love.

Source: Funlobby

That's not a purr. That's a cry for help.

It would be foolish of you to turn down these requests. You see, Samantha is growing, learning and adapting to the world around her, and that world often needs the fuel of uncooked sirloin.

Which brings us to Samantha’s alleged anger issues.

Sure, she has been accused of impaling a neighbor’s American Girl doll with a marshmallow skewer, but that’s only because she didn’t get the biggest s’more. And, yes, your cat Pattycake, once a brazen feline, often sprints from the room when Samantha rumbles in (those kitty headlocks have worn out their welcome). But her bouts of “aggression” are merely being confused with playfulness.

Much like a misunderstood NFL player who might occasionally break a beer bottle over a stranger’s head in a traffic altercation, your child is simply expressing herself and reacting to the stimuli around her.

Just make sure you have plenty of T-bones on hand for Samantha’s lunch, otherwise it could get ugly for Pattycake.

Only two things in this world are permanent: our hair, and our love.

Also see:

• Rule #86: Get Matching Mother-Daughter Tattoos
• Rule #22: Dress Like Your Teenage Daughter

After the initial sting you'll start to get numb to the pain. Just like real life.

But this is like inserting a Lego in your puppy’s ass for soiling your carpet…which doesn’t work, as we’ve learned through, um, friends who have told us as much. (Seriously, we don’t even own Legos.)

Feeding your kid soap is a kinder, gentler form of punishment. It can be used for any number of transgressions (rudeness, poor grades, trying to stuff Legos up your puppy’s ass), yet we’ve found it works best when used in conjunction with a clean soul.

For example, if your child has shown his dark side at any point in the day, he’ll know that bath time will be a special treat.

Say something like, “You know, Timmy, mommy and daddy like it when you have clean, arms and legs and face, but God likes it when you have clean insides, too. And the only way to be clean inside and have a pristine soul is to eat this scented soap that smells like church.”

Timmy might resist but remind him it could be worse: He could be your puppy.

Helmut? I don't need no stinking helmut.

He is destined for life’s fringes, good people, but you can help him feel included right now. Gang life usually gets a bad rap because of petty things like extortion, money laundering, fraud, death and mayhem. But it takes a village of young thugs to make all of this happen.

That’s where your son comes in.

Gangs have notoriously low standards when it comes to acceptance: There are no standardized tests, no physical fitness tests, and basically no litmus for anything other than having an empty canvas of skin for some kick-ass tats and unruly facial hair.

You make the introduction in, say, a futon store parking lot, and the gang will take it from there. It’s like having free day care for life…and you won’t have to make space on the fridge for all of those crappy art projects.