I’m back with some exciting news. My new newsletter has finally launched!

It’s called—drumroll please!— Mature Content. It’s a newsletter about lifelong learning, where I offer tools, insights, and resources for personal growth and discovery.

What to Expect

So…what can you expect to learn there?

Twice a month, I’ll share a carefully curated sample of what I’m reading, hearing and seeing—the stuff I feel merits attention and is worth talking about. For die-hard Good Reads enthusiasts, these round-ups will feel familiar. On the new platform, however, I’ll be dividing them up into sub-categories and adding more suggestions.

The other two monthly posts will reside more squarely on the personal development end of things, very much in keeping with what you’ve seen on this blog over the years. One post will feature an exercise to help stimulate your learning. The other will offer a reflection on something I’m learning at home, in life, or at work.

Here’s a handy-dandy mnemonic to capture the flow of content each month:

Good Reads

Good Tools

Good Views/Listens

Good Insights

Do I Need to Pay?

Oh yes, and one more thing. The newsletter is free.

If you’re not familiar with Substack, when you first sign up, they will ask you a bunch of questions, including if you’d like to be a paid subscriber. You are most welcome to support me there financially. I’d love that! But you are under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to do so. Just read the subscription choices carefully and select the “Free” option if that’s what you’d like to do.

In a similar vein, there will be prompts for you to spread the good news about Mature Content on Substack and/or subscribe to some of the substacks I recommend. Again, if you’re already on Substack and want to do that stuff, fantastic! If you’re not interested, just click through those prompts until you get to my homepage. You will only encounter those questions once, mercifully!

Join me on the Journey

I really do hope that you will accompany me on this journey. I’d love to see you there.

You can subscribe to Mature Content here.

Come join in the fun!

Image: Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

The post Welcome to My New Newsletter, Mature Content appeared first on Real Delia.

I write this post with a heavy heart. But also with a feeling of contentment. This will be my final blog post for RealDelia.

I never thought I’d see this day. I remember back when I first started blogging, when I was writing several new posts a week. At one point, a couple of my favorite, go-to bloggers who also wrote frequently ended their blogs. I remember thinking:  Why did they leave? Don’t they still love it?

They didn’t. Or maybe they did, but they wanted to move on to new things.

That’s now me.

Hanging Up My Cleats

Back when I was still an academic,  I took a one-year leave of absence to work for the U.S. government. At the time, I said to myself: “If I miss this job when I’m gone, I’ll come back to it. If I don’t, it’s a sign that I’m meant to quit.”

Au Revoir, Not Goodbye

I’ll be back here shortly to announce my new endeavour. For those of you who read my newsletter, the new platform will combine the sorts of recommendations I provide there with the tips and insights I offer here. The voice will be the same, but the theme will be different.

I really do hope you’ll join me as I embark upon this new journey of learning and sharing. The main thing I want to say for now, however, is “Thank You.” Some of you have been with me from the very beginning; others have joined this community more recently. It has meant the world to me to share my thoughts and feelings over the years and to know that someone was listening.

In the immortal words of Mary Poppins, I hate goodbyes. So I won’t say goodbye; I’ll say “Au Revoir.” Or, as we used to say back in college, “If I don’t see you around here, I’ll see you around. Hear?”

The post My Final Blog appeared first on Real Delia.

Hi All! I’m still on sabbatical from the blog but I thought I would share a post I wrote last week about lifelong learning. Demographic trends combined with technological advancement mean that lifelong learning is no longer a nice to have, but a necessity. In this post I explore the imperative of lifelong learning and how to make it a reality.

Enjoy! Hope to see you all very soon with an update!

*****

Last month, I did an intensive, day-long tutorial on PowerPoint. As a communications consultant, designing better slides was a skill I’d wanted to perfect for years. And because I fancy myself as someone who can “walk the talk”, I decided it was finally time to put my money where my mouth was.  

Boy, am I glad that I did. Not only did I learn a ton of tips and tricks about how to best deploy the presentation software, I also had loads of fun. There’s nothing quite like learning a new skill to make you feel sharp, fresh and alive. 

People return to school in adulthood for many different reasons. Some are pursuing a hobby. Others want to meet new people. But in the current economy, there are also loads of practical, employment-related reasons for many of us to sharpen our pencils and re-enter the classroom In 2017, the McKinsey Global Institute predicted that 375 million workers globally would have to shift occupation by 2030, a figure that they increased by 25% following the pandemic. In its 2023 annual Future of Jobs report, The World Economic Forum estimated that half the global labour force might need reskilling by 2025. 

So what sorts of innovations are required to equip today’s workforce to stay relevant?

Read the rest of this post over on This Curious Life…

The post Lifelong Learning: An Idea Whose Time Has Come appeared first on Real Delia.

I’m hitting pause on this blog. When I first started writing this post, I was determined to end the blog entirely. I even wrote an entire post explaining why, after 15 years, I needed to stop writing RealDelia. But I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger. So I didn’t.

Instead, I went back to a post I wrote years ago. The post invoked the butterfly’s crysalis as a metaphor for turning inward. That year, I did so to figure out the next iteration of my professional life. I managed to pull that off, and I’m pleased to say that my business is thriving.

Now I need to do the same thing, but in the creative part of my life. I’m still hard at work on my memoir, which is inching along, slowly but surely. I also know that I’d like to stay engaged with the public, whether it’s through this blog or some new outlet I’ve yet to cook up. In order to even think about that, however, I need to slow down and go back into my crysalis for a while.

I will be back with news…when I’m ready. In the meantime, I will still run my monthly newsletter, Good Reads for Grownups (subscribe here). And please enjoy this blog entry:

*****

I got an email not long ago from a reader of this blog. She shared a poem that she’d seen posted elsewhere on the internet which used the metaphor of the butterfly’s chrysalis to understand those periods when we need to go inside ourselves in order to grow.

The word chrysalis has two meanings in British English. The first one is “the hard-shelled pupa of a moth or butterfly”—the one it adopts just before morphing into the adult phase of its life cycle. A second definition is “anything in the process of developing.”

I knew precisely why she’d sent it to me. I’ve been in a crysalis-like state since late July when I was laid off from my previous job.

What do I mean by this?

Checking Out with Others To Check In With Yourself

First, that I’ve been avoiding people, for the most part. That’s the pupa part of what I’m doing . I’ve formed a hardened shell around my exterior in order to protect myself from outside forces until I’m ready to emerge, fully formed. (And yes, you may thank me for this brisk walk through your sixth grade biology class.)

That’s because I’ve been trying to decide what my next professional move is, and that requires a great deal of reflection.

While it is both helpful and essential to talk to other people when you’re trying to make a major career shift, one thing I’ve learned over the years is not to talk to them too early on, before your own vision has taken shape. Otherwise, you’ll find that they get you thinking about how and where, rather than why. And the why is terribly important.

In short,  in order to properly check in with yourself —whether that means taking an inventory of your interests, figuring out how your assorted, transferrable skills can serve your ambitions, and/or what your “elevator pitch” is going to be— you need to check out with others.

Constructing a New Narrative

But I am also in a stage of growth, which is the second definition of chrysalis. I’ve been keeping a journal and writing a book. I’m experimenting with my own creativity.  Very quietly, I’ve taken up a post as a visiting research fellow at a local university. I’m even taking an improvisation class!

I’ve also been spending a lot more time at home doing things I like. This list includes, inter alia,  cooking, watching the 1981 television mini-series of Brideshead Revisited (for the 3rd time), and reading assorted books by John Le Carré.  All the while, I nurse the occasional low-alcohol pale ale.

All of these disparate activities are about helping me to construct a new narrative for myself. It’s one that feels more authentic and true to who I am for whatever comes next.

Busy: Back Soon

Someday soon, I am hoping that—like the butterfly—I will shed my protective layer and fly. But that process is never overnight.

It reminds me of the time in one of the Winnie-the-Pooh stories when Christopher Robin hangs a note on his door that reads “Gone Out. Backson. Bizy.”

Yes, I have been busy, but I will be back soon.

Image: Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

The post Hitting Pause on This Blog appeared first on Real Delia.

My revelation was physical in nature. After spending more than 30 years as a casual runner, my body was telling me to stop. I’d spent years benefiting from a simple, cheap, and enjoyable means of staying in shape. Now I found myself in near constant pain, taking more medicine than I felt comfortable with, and feeling schlumpy and depressed.

I tried physical therapy. I saw a podiatrist. Nothing helped. It rapidly became clear that if I wanted to lead a healthy lifestyle—one that wouldn’t leave me writhing on the floor at the end of the day—I’d need to make a profound change to my workout regime.

“Why don’t you take up swimming?” My doctor suggested. “It’s much lower impact on your knees and it won’t strain your hips.”

Swimming wasn’t an obvious choice. Sure, I’d taken lessons at the local YMCA as a kid, where I learned enough of the basics to stay afloat. That was 40-odd years ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Nor did I think I’d pick it up easily. As someone whose father once told her—at the tender age of eight—that her tennis game ‘would make a great ad for polio,’ I didn’t exactly think of myself as a natural athlete. The only sports I’d ever excelled at were bowling, ping pong and pool. These were all indoor activities, ideally executed with a beer in hand.

What the heck? I thought, Why not give it a try?

Read the rest of this post over at the Invisible City Literary Magazine…

Image: Photo by Brian Matangelo on Unsplash

The post Making Friends in Adulthood appeared first on Real Delia.

*****
Late one night after a recent college reunion, I got to talking with a group of close friends. We’d had a few drinks. And having split our sides laughing over the course of two days about our shared pasts, we began to muse about our individual futures.

One of my friends suggested that we each set a goal we’d like to accomplish by the time we hit our next five-year reunion. He created a make-shift whiteboard out of our cardboard beer carton so we could write our goals down and hold each other accountable.

The reaction around the room was a tell-tale study in contrasts. The guy who proposed the idea said that he’d like to undertake at least one major creative project by the proposed deadline. Someone else—who’d endured a particularly grueling year—said that she couldn’t set long-term goals right now: she was just trying to live day to day. A third friend confessed that he knew exactly what his goal was, but that it was so deeply fraught and personal that he didn’t want to articulate it just then.

A fourth friend looked at us all blankly. “Honestly?” she said. “I can’t think of anything major.” She paused to give it a bit more thought. “Maybe to keep on improving in Crossfit?”

As for me, I piped up with one goal. And then a another. And then a third. I quickly realized that if I didn’t shut up, my personal goal list would completely dominate our whiteboard.

What are goals doing for you?

At first, I felt really smug after this discussion. “Yay, me!” I thought to myself. “I’m so focused and determined! I’m awesome!”

I was particularly pleased that my goals extended into all aspects of my life. Not only that, I could name them and own them. I was proud of myself.

But after a couple of weeks passed, I began to question my complacency. Why was it, I asked myself, that I *needed* so many goals? Why couldn’t I be more like my Crossfit friend—who was apparently so satisfied with what she’s achieved thus far in life—that she could afford to focus on something as seemingly trivial as an exercise regime? (No disrespect to all Crossfitters out there. I know it’s grueling…)

And the answer is that goals provide me with an excuse for movement. My worst fear in life is slowing down. When I move forward—even in a frenzied state (which, if I’m honest, often characterizes my movement forward)—I feel alive. I don’t have to succumb—or even catch a glimpse of—that awful feeling I associate with stillness. Which is one of fear and sadness that the game is up and I am only me, warts and all. There is no more chance for self-improvement.

How dreams help

Not long after my reunion, I had a dream that I was back in college with that same group of friends. In the dream, I discovered that I had failed to write a term paper that was due in two weeks’ time. I’d had an entire semester to prepare for this paper, and yet somehow, I’d let it slide.

Panicking, I rushed to the library to do all the necessary research. But as I ran towards the card catalogue (yes, I went to college back in the day when we still had card catalogues…along with the horse and buggy), I noticed a bunch of people off to one side of the room. They were swinging on a swing set…in the library.

I’ve written before about the window my dreams afford into my psyche. On one level, of course, this dream is merely an apt representation of the person I was in college: someone who, as the phrase has it, worked hard and partied hard. (Hence, the dueling images of the library and the swingset.)

But I don’t think that’s really what this dream was about. I think it was about my current mid-life quest to integrate two halves of myself: to allow the manager and the maker to co-exist together, rather than one half dominating the other. That’s why the swing set is inside the library. The dream isn’t offering these images as stark alternatives. It is encouraging me to bring those two selves together.

In search of peace

Which brings us back to goals. What that dream told me is that I need to stop continually setting new goals for myself. Instead, I need to replace all of my micro-goals with one, over-arching macro-goal: that of achieving peace within.

If I can do that, then I won’t need the constant churn of goal-setting and goal-replacement. I will just be.

And maybe that can be my own form of Crossfit.

Image: Photo by Ronnie Overgoor on Unsplash

The post What are Goals Doing For You? appeared first on Real Delia.

An old friend wrote me the other day. He started his own business last year, and although he loves the work, he’s struggling with business development. Boy, do I know that feeling. I worked my tail off during the first year that I started my company. But I didn’t feel that the business was actually sustainable—whether financially or otherwise—for a couple of years after that. These days, I feel the opposite. I still love my work, but now I’m in the position—for the first time ever—of turning down work I either don’t want or don’t have time for. It’s a wonderful feeling. It made me realise that I really have learned a thing or two about this whole entrepreneurial thang. With that in mind, I thought I would re-share a post I wrote several years ago with five tips for starting a business.

*****

On occasional Wednesdays, I offer tips for adulthood.

I started my new communications consultancy almost a year ago. Since then, I’ve been hard at work delivering a combination of mini-courses, workshops and one-on-one coaching. What’s odd is that although I’ve worked as a freelancer before, I’m learning a whole new set of skills this time around.

This post is aimed particularly at those of you who’ve always dreamed of starting a business. Here are five things to bear in mind:

a. Negotiate your deliverables in detail. That might sound obvious, because, hey, what are contracts for, right? I’ve got news for you:  contracts can be super vague. Trust me, I wrote them all the time in my previous job. And especially if you’re working with a client you know well – deliverables can be vague and fuzzy. Because, hey, we’re all friends, right?

The only person who benefits from a fuzzy deliverable is the person paying for it. It gives them leeway to claim that whatever they are asking you to do—including work neither of you initially discussed—plausibly falls within the contours of the agreement. So be precise. Super precise. And if they ask you to do something that doesn’t match the original deliverable, ask for more money. Which brings us to money.

b. Always charge more than you think you should. A year or so ago, when I was still in the concept development phase for my new company, I got some great advice from the women in my Ellevate squad: if a client accepts your budget up front, you’ve charged too little. Damned straight. Entire books have been written on how to sort out our collective discomfort with asking for money (The Soul of Money is top of my list… ). But once you work throught all of that, you need to remember that you are running a business and that time is money. So there are two reasons to ask for more than you think you should.

First, however high you come in, they are likely to come back with a lower offer. So adjust for that in advance. Second, when you’re starting out, much of what you’re offering is new. If, like me, you’re delivering workshops or mini-courses, you need to factor in not only your delivery time, but your prep time. This doesn’t meant you can’t charge less than your day rate, once you’ve determined what that is. The project might be for a client whose name you’d like to see on your resumé. Or it might piece of work you’re so passionate about that you’re willing to charge less. Or, because you’re just starting out, you might decide that you’d like to demonstrate how much value you add—and get some testimonials under your belt—before raising your rates. Whatever you do, remember that failure to talk openly about pay usually translates into lower rates.

c. Learn to say no.  When you’re starting out, it’s tempting to say yes to everything. But—take my word for it—saying yes can quickly erode any balance you might be hoping to establish in your life. Just as there are good reasons to accept work that doesn’t pay as well as you’d like, there are equally good reasons to turn down work even if you have time. It might not be something you enjoy very much. So the opportunity cost of doing it is higher than for other jobs you might take on. You might not need the money all that much. Or you might foresee that it’s going to be way more work than you bargained for, and will simply amount to a headache.

d. Fake it Til You Make It. A year or so ago, a friend of mine who’s a seasoned communications consultant gave me this piece of advice: “Never tell people you ‘could’ do something. Always say that you ‘can.'” And how. Before they hire you, people want to know that you can do something. And chances are, you can, even if you haven’t. So while I never accept work that I don’t think I can deliver to the very highest standard, I have been in the position of saying “Yes, I Can.” It’s amazing how empowering those three little words can be. And guess what? Once you’ve done it, you can do it!

e. Learn when to give up. Much like asking for money, it can be very uncomfortable to pester someone for work. So, how often should you ping? I used to approach people only three times before giving up. I assumed they just weren’t interested, but were too awkward—or too busy—to bother telling me “No.” Then I started asking around. One colleague told me that the magic number is seven:  assume your name has  filtered to the bottom of their inbox and that they need a quick reminder. Seven sounded high to me, but I tried it. In one instance, after five tries, I got a gig. Another colleague told me that his approach is to “Bug them until they either give you work or tell you to F#$% off.” Works well for him! I personally couldn’t do it. My view is that if someone has made it clear to you that they just aren’t interested, leave them alone. If you push too hard, it can be off-putting, and alienate them permanently.

My best advice is to be patient. You won’t make a lot of money during your first year while you build up your services and client base. But if you remember that “Every Day is Groundhog Day” and persevere, you’ll likely end up very happy that you took the risk.

How about you? What advice would you give your newbie entrepreneur/freelancer self if you were starting a business today?

Image: Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

The post Tips for Adulthood: Five Tips for Starting a Business appeared first on Real Delia.

I was expecting stories of lame pickup lines, mediocre pasta dinners with would-be suitors and long walks in comfy cardigans. Instead, I found myself reading frank and detailed accounts of sex clubs…threesomes…and, well…fit. (Yeah, that kind of fit.) In short, her memoir wasn’t so much about dating as it was about sex.

The manuscript was raw and refreshing. My first thought was “Wow, she’s really putting herself out there! She’s so brave!” It wasn’t until a couple of years later that I questioned my initial reaction. Why should sexual experimentation—and enjoyment—be considered bold in midlife? Why did I immediately think her story sounded more suited to that of a 20-something than a middle-aged woman?

There’s an obvious answer to that question. The narrative we’ve long been fed in both popular culture and research about dating and intimacy among “older adults” (which usually means over-50) tends to centre on physical decline, compromised function and loneliness.

That narrative is changing.

The Viagra revolution helped to reinvigorate conversations around the sex lives of the (cough) “elderly.” The hit reality TV series, The Golden Bachelor, about the romantic escapades of a 72-year-old widower, has also done its part to combat stereotypes about ageing and sex. More recently, Cosmopolitan magazine and the Kinsey Institute teamed up to showcase the results of a survey they conducted about women over 60 and their sexual mores. “Yes, women over 60 still masturbate!” could have been the strapline.

This is all to the good. I worry, however, that in our effort to publicise these stories of mid- and late-life sex, we’re in danger of ghettoizing the very people we’re seeking to celebrate. The truth is, “older” people seeking romance and intimacy ain’t all that different from the rest of us. At least, that’s what the data are telling us.

Read the rest of this piece over at This Curious Life…

Image: Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash

The post Intimacy in Later Life: Is It Really All That Different? appeared first on Real Delia.

We all talk about how hard it is to find a news outlet these days that isn’t wildly partisan. We bemoan the fact that because news consumption is so fragmented, we’re all living in filter bubbles, unaware of how “the other side” thinks about a given issue. I’m as guilty as the next person. But a recent experience with a close friend helped me to challenge my exisiting biases on one of the many controversies du jour.

This friend shared a podcast on this topic of the sort I’d never listen to on my own. It’s simply not the kind of content I ever “run into” because…well…it’s outside my bubble. I did the same for her. I’m not sure we changed each other’s minds. I do think we both broadened our horizons and had a bit more empathy for how and why the other person is where they are on this issue.

This experience reminded of a blog I wrote a few years back about how to escape your own filter bubble. Turns out I’d taken my own advice! This problem feels urgent to me right now, especially in the United States. So if you’re feeling trapped inside a filter bubble, I’d encourage you to have a read.

***

My son called me recently to share an observation he’s had at college. While his older professors are wise and erudite, they aren’t necessarily as open to new ideas as some of his younger professors.

He’s onto something. While older people benefit from higher levels of crystalized intelligence, fluid intelligence peaks in our 20’s. Stated in layman’s terms, our skills, abilities and knowledge increase as we age, due to our accumulated experience. But our ability to take in new and less familiar information diminishes.

To the extent this is true, I find it deeply troubling in the current cultural moment in which we find ourselves. In a world that’s ever more polarized politically , we need to leave our bubbles.

Here are three ways to expand your worldview as you age:

Challenge your biases

In an effort to become equitable and inclusive, a lot of organizations now offer workshops to tackle what’s known as “unconscious bias.” These workshops raise awareness of the snap judgments people make—often about race and gender—which subconsciously affect assessments of talent, character, and more.

To which I say: awesome. But some of our biases aren’t subconscious. According to Pew Research, a large majority of people on both the Left (75%) and the Right (63%) in the United States claim to see their political opponents as “close minded.” And once you go down that path, you will begin making all sorts of assumptions about “the other” that get in the way of mutual understanding.

I myself got a lesson in challenging my own biases when I went to work at an online magazine called Politics Daily. When I started writing there, I just assumed that most—if not all—of the staff would be card-carrying, Pro-Choicers like myself. I was wrong. Both of my editors were pro-life, as were many of the columnists there.

It was tempting—especially when my articles on abortion seemed to get extra scrutiny from the editors—to dismiss these individuals as dogmatic and, yes, close-minded. Ultimately, however, their feedback was a blessing. It forced me to listen to and engage with a diverse set of political views that I didn’t always share. Their comments also forced me to work that much harder to defend my views on things like abortion, rather than taking them for granted.

When I teach persuasive writing, I always suggest to my students that they share their writing with an ideological opponent. It is the very best way to see if you are really inhabiting someone else’s world view. You learn to spot your own knee-jerk suppositions more readily and begin to challenge some of them.

Read outside your comfort zone

Last year, a friend who’s a good deal more conservative than I lent me The Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukanioff and Jonathan Haidt. The book explores the pronounced shrinking of ideological diversity and debate on American college campuses in recent years. (Editor’s note: A timely subject!!)

At the time, I smiled politely and tossed the book into a pile of “to be read eventuallys.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to it.  The title—which pivots off of Allan Bloom’s famous 1980’s treatise The Closing of the American Mind—sounded off-putting. I automatically assumed the book would be an ad hominem attack on progressive thought, and hence, not for me.

I was wrong. There’s a good deal of criticism in the book of cancel culture. The Left catches a bit more heat from the authors on this topic than does the Right. But it’s a very well-reasoned and even-handed book about what happens when we cling to our truths and stop listening to one another.

For me, the book underscored why it’s so important to read outside of your ideological comfort zone. It doesn’t have to be a book. It could be a magazine. Or a newspaper. The key is to break through your filter bubble.

Widen Your Social Circles

Finally, be sure that you build wider social circles. I live in the UK. The Brexit vote was—and continues to be—one of the most divisive things to happen to this country in years. When the debate first erupted, I just assumed that all Brexiteers were a bunch of wacko nutters who didn’t like immigrants. Then several of my friends told me that they—or their parents—had voted for Brexit and explained why.

Over the years, I’ve come to really value this diversity in political views amongst my friends. As my cousin, who lives in Colorado, once pointed out to me, “There are real advantages to living in a ‘Purple state.’ It forces you to be more tolerant.”

And tolerance is exactly what we need right now. We will not get there by adopting an us vs. them mentality or cancelling one another. Rather, as Arianna Huffington put it beautifully , “The only way to allow for growth collectively is to allow for growth individually.”

What will you do to move beyond your biases?

Image: Photo by Marc Sendra Martorell on Unsplash

This post originally appeared on Sixty and Me.

The post How to Escape Your Filter Bubble As You Age appeared first on Real Delia.

Last week, while taking some time off of work, I sat down to do my annual Past Year Review (see below). As I reviewed my year, week by week, I was struck by two things. First, how many more positive experiences I had in 2023 than negative ones. Second, how clear I’ve gotten on what brings me joy and energy, and what doesn’t.

The first insight reminded me that while I’m very hard on myself for many things I’ve failed to achieve, I’ve made some really important changes over the past few years. Mainly, I created a job that I love. The second insight prompted me to put my “Not to Do list” right at the very top of my daily reminders. I started scheduling fun activities for 2024 that very day, and felt great. I can’t tell you how much I recommend the Past Year Review as a way for resetting your priorities at the beginning of the year. Try it! You’ll see! Here’s a post to show you how to make the most of 2024:

*****

Like many people, I was simultaneously horrified and energized by an essay in The New York Times entitled, “How Covid Stole Our Time and How We Can Get it Back.” Its basic point was as follows:  Most of us have eaten up hundreds of thousands of hours in our lives we can never get back. (Yes, he actually counts them for you. )

That’s the bad news. The good news, according to the article’s author, Tim Urban, is that: “The time we have left with family and friends is not a law of nature like the weeks we have left to live. It’s a function of priorities and decisions.” In other words, we have it within our own power to enjoy whatever time we have left more.

I’ve struggled throughout my life with how to be happy. Here’s what I’ve learned about how to have more fun during the first quarter of 2022:

Create a “Not To Do List”

Quite possibly the single best piece of work/life advice I got last year was from author, podcaster and productivity guru Tim Ferris. In a blog post he ran towards the end of 2021, he explained why he no longer makes a list of New Year’s Resolutions. Instead, he does a Past Year Review.

A Past Year Review entails sitting down and going through your entire calendar from the previous year, both work and personal. As you examine how you spent your time, you identify all those things that gave you the most joy—and the most displeasure—in a given month. You then insert those items in two columns respectively.

Next, you identify the top 20% of the negatives and the top 20% of the positives. Ferris then counsels you to place the top 20% of negatives into a “Not to Do list.” You look at that list every day for the first few weeks of the year to remind yourself NOT to do them.

Oh my goodness how the Not To Do List has changed my life! I let go of one client where my effort didn’t justify the pay,  eliminated all-but-essential business development for my company, and dramatically reduced all social engagements that feel obligatory.

Just doing those three things has left me feeling  10 times lighter and less stressed out.

Schedule Fun

So much for the negatives in my life. How about the positives? Here, Ferriss’s advice is to identify those top 20% “fun leaders” and put them into your calendar immediately. Because if it ain’t in the calendar, it ain’t real.

I’m one of those people who plans her work way in advance, but always leaves the fun stuff until the last minute. That’s because I’ve always put work first, and life second.

But as soon as Ferris said this, I immediately grabbed the phone and called a friend of mine.  Like me, she also loves live theatre. We booked in not one, not two, but three dates over the next six months to see shows together. Then I made a list of all of the films I’d missed in 2021 because of the  Omicron variant. I started booking tickets to go to the cinema and see them live.

Best of all, I grabbed a complicated but absorbing game called Dialect I’d purchased a year earlier for my daughter, but was still sitting in its box. I promptly wrote to four highly verbal friends whom I thought might enjoy playing a game about language. We blocked out an afternoon in February and spent four hours playing this game. It was the most fun I’d had in ages.

Create Memories

As Laura Vanderkam, author of Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done puts it, creating memories takes work. But when you put energy into “scheduling fun,” rather than just sitting in your bedroom watching yet another series on Netflix, you are literally building your own happiness.  Those are memories you can return to, day in and day out, and they will bring you joy.

Which is possibly why I spent much of last weekend planning a trip to Paris with my husband and daughter. It’s a trip we had to postpone twice during the pandemic. Frankly, figuring out how to best utilize all of the different vouchers we’d accrued and where to stay and  eat took up at least one full day of our time.

But I’m already so glad that we made the effort. Because I know that once I stroll along the Seine in a little over two weeks from now and sip my first Kir Royale, I will be so incredibly happy.

What’s in your calendar this year?

Image: Photo by  Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Note: This post originally appeared on Sixty and Me

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