Mental Poo

"I'm sorry. Your call has been disconnected because you just about friggin killed a guy"

2012-06-04T09:00:00.004-04:00

The following is a true story and happened when I went to pick up my daughter from a field trip.

NOTE:
If your daughter is 11 and has her own cell phone and you tell her to 'let me know when the bus is almost at the school so I can meet you there' you will get 14,568 texts like the following:

"We r almost there. we are at the tolls." (32 miles away from home)
"we r in Londonderry"
"20 mins left to go."
"see you soooon. lololol"
"still on highway"
"I have a window seat"
"we r in town near the mall"
"how's cam?"

Ugh.

Regardless, I put my son in the car and started driving to her school to pick her up.

It was on or around this time that my girlfriend, Kerri, texted me that she was being berated by her ex via text messages herself.

I don't know if he was on a field trip or not.

So, I called her and asked what was up and what did he have to say?

Kerri: "Do you have time to listen to this? It's long. Lots of long text messages."

Me: "Sure."

At this time I was parked in the parking lot, and Kerri began reading the 6,000 or so texts to me by holding her Blackberry in front of her.

And that's when Payton's bus pulled in, everyone bailed out and Payton got into the car.

I could still hear Kerri reading and reading but at this time I had stopped paying attention because my daughter had hopped in with "HI!" and "OMG WE HAD THE BEST FIELD TRIP" and blah blah blah other crap that girls say but it was obvious that I couldn't do two things at once.

I needed to stop Kerri from reading text after text after text from her ex-husband.

Me: "Kerri."

Kerri kept on reading.

Me: "KERRI."

Still reading. With the Blackberry in front of her, she couldn't hear me.

Me: "KERRI! KERRI! HELLOOOOO?!?! KEERRRRRIIII!"

I put my car into reverse, still yelling into the phone, and started to back up.

I had just started rapidly backing out when I suddenly heard a..

THUD.

..what the...?

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!"

The "JESUS CHRIST!" wasn't from me. No. Instead it was being yelled by the guy standing behind me who I just BACKED MY CAR INTO and was now hobbling around in the school parking lot holding his leg.

"JESUS! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK?"

Ohfuck.

I hung the phone up, with Kerri STILL reading her texts but, you know, I JUST HIT A MAN WITH MY CAR.

Me: "Holy shit. Dude, are you alright?"

Guy: "GODDAMN. Ow. Yeah. Yeah I'm alright. My fault, I just walked out from behind that truck. I'll be okay."

See? Shit like that amazes me.

Me? I would have ripped the driver's door off, pulled him out by his hair and beat him with his own shoe.

Me: "You sure? OMG I feel terrible. I'm so sorry."

The man limped off still holding his leg and swearing.

Bzzzzzzzz.

Text message.

It was from Kerri.

Text: "WTF. Did you just hang up on me?!"

Um. Yeah. Yeah I did.

I called her.

Kerri: "Did you seriously just hang up on me?"

Me: "Yeah. But mainly because I just hit a guy with my car and almost killed him. Sorry."

Kerri: "Oh."

The moral of the story: "The next time you hang up on your girlfriend make sure you have a good excuse like 'I just ran over someone with an automobile' and things will all work out in the end."

Or "don't drive when distracted."

One of those two.

Wrapping Up the Week - June 3, 2012

2012-06-03T08:00:00.000-04:00

Before I start today I should let you know that with Father's Dayhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif rapidly approaching, you should check out The Bitter Baking Company's "Father's Day" cookie line which features some sayings from YOURS TRULY.

Order them. Your father will thank you.

If he doesn't, he probably isn't your real dad anyway.

ONWARD!

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Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

My HR Profile at work is probably just as diverse as my work email profile pics.

KOC University. 'nuff said.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

How I got a software developer to commit hari-kari.

It's a life skill, yo.

I bought a house. Then had to buy homeowner's insurance using flirtation and sexual harassment techniques honed over time.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

I took my son to a bull riding show and all we got was this..um..anatomically correct stuffed animal WTF.

I get a Craigslist offer I can't refuse. I think.

I make a 'Ghost Hunters' parody video using stuffed animals and offend all of the cast members in the process.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

The Shit I Learn - marriage edition.

Oh, hindsight. Silly, silly hindsight.

Mr. Squishy and the Tauntress. This one is pretty self-explanatory I think.

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

..and this is why you don't show your small children "Indiana Jones" before taking them to the Holocaust Memorial.

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Once again I'm over at SurferWife's blog captioning her "Fashion Disasters" segment.

There's a lot of funny captions there. I highly recommend it.

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

It's Right Next to the University of Vagina

2012-05-31T08:00:00.001-04:00

The place I work (HAHAHAHAHAHA) sometimes teaches classes about the products we sell to our customers.

I'm thinking I should probably take one of those courses because I don't have a goddamn clue what I'm supposed to be doing here.

Meh.

So I walk into the lobby the other day and am greeted with this on the front desk monitor:

(click to enlarge all images)

"Welcome, Koc University!"

NO. WAY.

I could have gone to SCHOOL FOR THIS?!

So of course I go take a picture of the monitor and then say "hi" to my boss on the way up the stairs to play some online poker and then maybe start writing this post because if you weren't paying attention I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY JOB IS.

Of course I Google "Koc University" and it turns out that IT'S REAL:

So I start poking around (Koc joke) the site and find crap like this:

Then I see Dan coming into work and OOH HE HAS HIS TOOTH IN! and I'm like, "Dude..look" and point the sign out to him and we laugh and then start this conversation which I'm diagramming because it's funnier:

Then I find Koc University on Wikipedia and it states:

"Koc University also has very active exchange programs."

Perfect.

I've been thinking of swapping my Koc out for a bigger model anyway.

I hope they accept my transcripts.

I'm assuming HR also has a profile on me as well

2012-05-28T09:00:00.001-04:00

A while ago at work we switched our email from Microsoft Outlook to Google Mail and one of the greatest things about it besides it's distinct lack of usability is that you can modify your profile.

Every week I change my profile picture on my work account.

Here is the first post of what I did the first few weeks of having the new Google mail at work.

People here have actually seemed to enjoy the changes, so here's some more of what people have been getting to see when they contact me:

GAH.

On that last one, I had to chat with someone who sat over in the next row and she yelled, "OH MY GOD IS THAT BRITNEY?!"

Score.

I'm changing these up, like, twice a week so if you have any recommendations I'd appreciate it. Double points if your company is also hiring because I'm pretty sure my next one of Ron Jeremy is gonna get me canned.

Thanks in advance.

50 Shades of...what? --- part 2

2012-05-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

Well, creating new titles and book covers for a "50 Shades of Grey" series seems to be consuming my time.

If you live in a cave and have no idea what "50 Shades of Grey" is, or if you haven't seen my first round of covers, click here.

Here are a couple of more...suggested by my readers and brought to life by yours truly.

You're welcome.

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If you look closely, you can see that Skeletor is wearing nipple clamps.

It's all in the details, people. All in the details.

Well there you go.

Looking back on my childhood, I think the He-Man cover really surprises no one.

50 Shades of what?

2012-05-23T08:30:00.000-04:00

Right now the hottest book on the planet is '50 Shades of Grey' which is part of some trilogy that my girlfriend is reading and has the apparent side effect of making women really really horny so I'd like to ask the author TO KEEP MAKING THESE BOOKS PLEASE and thankyouverymuch.

*ramps up cardio training

If you're unfamiliar with the book, I pulled this off wikipedia to give you an idea of what's inside:

"It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of BDSM"

For those unfamiliar with it, "BDSM" stands for "bondage/discipline/submission (or sadism)/masochism." For those who ARE familiar with it, call me.

Being bored as I normally am, I decided to take this idea and run with it..and create some NEW BOOK ideas that borrow from the name and theme.

I hope you enjoy them.

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On a side note, I would totally read any of these books.

Especially the Grey's Anatomy one if it was illustrated and Katherine Heigl hadn't been killed off in it yet.

"Man buys Axe Body Wash, Waits for Orgy"

2012-05-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

I use Axe Body Wash regularly for a couple of reasons but mainly it's because their marketing department still has me sold on the fact that if I use it, hordes of women will just jump all over me because it contains pheremones or something (I am not a scientist).

Plus, I have coupons.

So this is an actual conversation I had with my girlfriend, Kerri, while in a store browsing the display of available Axe products:

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Kerri (picking up one of the bottles): "Here...try this one for a change."

Me (reaching for my usual 'Axe - Music' scent): "HELLO? No. I don't think so."

Kerri (confused look): "Um. Ohhhkay. Why not?"

I then proceed to turn all the bottles of Axe around and point to them one at a time.

Then..I turn over the bottle of 'Axe Music' I'm holding in my hand:

*throws it in basket

Kerri: "Oh for chrissakes."

There's a science to this, people. A SCIENCE.

It just doesn't seem to be working.

Maybe I need to use more of it.

I wish I had more coupons.

Because every dad wants a cookie for Father's Day that mentions spanking

2012-05-19T09:00:00.001-04:00

In lieu of a Weekly Wrap-Up this week, I'd like to simply bring attention to the fact that the lovely and talented Erin over at The Bitter Baking Company has put out.

Her line of Father's Day cookies.

See how important proper punctuation is there, people? You thought for a second that Erin gave up her flower instead of a tasty cookie product.

The more you know.

Regardless, you can also find MY VERY OWN LINE of Father's Day Cookies that are both delicious AND vicious.

Like these little ditties:

or this one:

Awesome, right?

Also, Erin has her very own Father's Day cookies which are, in my honest opinion, also very awesome. There are also cookies for almost every other occasion you can think of.

Head over to Bitter Baking Company and order yours today!

I can fully attest that the cookies are all hand-made by Erin and wicked good and totally worth it because (a) you'll make someone laugh and (b) Erin and I get money.

I see this as a win-win.

Enjoy your cookies and thanks for the order!!

This is how I keep myself entertained at work

2012-05-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

A while ago, I sent out this Tweet:

Some people think I make that shit up but - in my defense - I'm pretty sure I'm borderline certifiably insane so just to prove it to you, well..

Here you go.

I'm so glad people here have a sense of humor.

Word.

Draw Something - The Celebrity Files

2012-05-14T09:00:00.001-04:00

If you have the app "Draw Something" then you know how addicting it can be and - well - interesting, to say the very least.

If you don't have it, it's basically "Pictionary" where you have to draw a word and your opponent must guess it.

Sometimes this is easy. Sometimes it is not. Most times mine start with a sketch of boobies. It's what you get for playing with me.

Today I bring you some pictures that I've collected from my "Draw Something" games.

The theme today:

Drawings of Celebrities.

Enjoy.

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You're singing it now, aren't you.

****************

I like how I nailed the expression on Oprah's face and her double-chin and Tom Cruise's exuberance.

It's almost like a photograph, really.

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The answer here was "SEAL."

One of the guys I play against sent this and I'm honestly not sure why he included the words to a song because WHAT MAN LISTENS TO SEAL FOR CHRISSAKES but I finally figured it out after shuffling the letters, like, 45 times.

Then I realized it was actually a pretty good likeness.

****************

RIGHT?!

So lifelike, it's almost like you're watching the music video.

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It's at this point I'm realizing that I have absolutely no idea how to draw black people.

They either look like brown mannequins from Target or 1940's segregation caricatures.

****************

Shhh.

If you listen closely, you can almost hear the crowd screaming.

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I think this one is really accurate.

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This one is my favorite because it depicts one of my favorite pictures of Britney Spears AND was drawn totally from memory which, when you think about it, is honestly very very creepy.

I can live with that.

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Want more?

Check out my other "Draw Something" post: "Draw Something - Child Files Edition"

Wrapping up the Week - May 13th, 2012

2012-05-13T09:30:00.000-04:00

Before I start today, I'd just like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Mother's Day.

Including mine who - and this is no lie - I don't know what I'd do without.

Love you, mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Okay, okay. Enough schmoop.

ONWARD.

**********************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

My bromance with Boston Fox News anchor, Gene Lavanchy, continues.

I don't know where this weill lead but I like it!

Episode 2 of "With Words with Friends Like These, Who Needs Words with Enemies?"

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

Sexual Harassment training?!?! COUNT ME IN!

Not like I need the training, but I never shrug my shoulders at getting new tips.

I compiled a list of the best captions for my bicep surgery scar!

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

And I wonder why Janet doesn't email me any more.

Pen meets poop. Film at eleven.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

I miss you, Bob. I miss you so much.

*flexes fingers

*********************
Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

Saran Wrap: Not just for collecting stool samples any more!

..and then...the horror of all horrors:

I WENT TO MISSISSIPPI.

*********************

Self pimping for the week:

Don't forget that yours truly NOW HAS HIS VERY OWN LINE OF COOKIES over at The Bitter Baking Company!!

Head over to Erin's site and grab yourself some deliciously vicious cookies today!

Thanks!!

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

With Words with Friends like these, who needs Words with Enemies? - Part 2

2012-05-10T09:00:00.001-04:00

Like the rest of the modern world I'm hooked on "Words with Friends" because being able to look at a board that includes "anal," "nuns,""spank" and "whore" just makes me smile for some reason.

But more often than not I find that my letter tiles shuffle into some pretty interesting things themselves.

My first episode of this series turned out to be pretty successful so I figured we'd keep it rolling.

Enjoy.

******************

Because nothing says 'hot' like a guy with a 'titebod' and 'dethass.'

OH LADIIIIIEES!

As in, "If you keep going with the nutlix, be prepared for some Rodglue."

*THUD

It's like a mystery. What do I tell the gays?

Oh..um...

I don't think I'll telgays that. Next thing I know, they'll all be wanting to give me nutlix because of my titebod.

The stress of being me, people.

The stress of being me.

******************

Trust me..there are more where these came from.

If you're my friend on Facebook or if you follow me on Twitter, look me up for a game.

Don't leave all these spanked nuns out in the cold.

If Gene Lavanchy wasn't considering a restraining order before, he's probably dialing up the cops right now

2012-05-07T09:00:00.001-04:00

A little while ago I professed a bromance between myself and a local Fox 25 News Anchor named Gene Lavanchy.

It was borderline creepy, I have to admit - but what completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love wants, completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love wants so who am I to call this 'wrong.'

I just scared myself a little there.

Regardless, Gene and I still go back and forth on Twitter so he really has no one else to blame for this but himself.

Enjoy some more of our repartee.

*********************
Before I get rolling, I have to mention Gene's co-host, Shannon Mulaire, who is pretty hot and can certainly play with the big boys when it comes to dishing it back.

Case in point:

*********************
Then they did a fluff piece where there would be a parallel-parking competition between the morning hosts.

Notice he cc'd Shannon on that one.

That-a-boy, Gene.

That-a-boy.

*********************
Then in February we had received approximately 1/2" of snow here in New England which is typically 999-1/2" less than usual so the weather woman, Cindy, was talking about the uncommonly mild weather.

Please note that around mid-conversation here, Gene actually reads my Tweet on the air.

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Then?

VALENTINE'S DAY.

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One of the top stories on this day was about someone posting a video on YouTube of two girls totally beating the bejeezus out of each other for, like, 5 minutes. I know. AWESOME.

But the topic at hand was how outrageous it was for all the people surrounding the fight to continue filming but not try to stop it.

And thus begins Gene and I's transgression:

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For some reason the Boston Bruins goalie, Tim Thomas, went off on a month-long anti-Obama thing and that's all that anyone could talk about on the news.

********************
HEADLINE: "JetBlue pilot goes crazy mid-flight. Passengers subdue him."

Then I found out later on that Gene actually read that on-air but I missed it.

So this followed:

Yes.

Now I know.

HOWEVER, I did NOT miss this on-air mention when the main story was how a local elementary school wanted to change the lyrics to that song, "I'm Proud to be an American" from "God bless the USA" to "I love the USA."

Cheesy, I know.

But I do what I can.

In a completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love kind of way, of course.

*************************
UPDATE!

This happened just this morning:

Fox was doing a story on how the CIA foiled another 'Underwear Bomb Plot' by Al Qaida.

Wrapping up the Week - May 6, 2012

2012-05-06T08:00:00.001-04:00

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

My girlfriend. Calling her a 'saint' would be an understatement.

And then I brought my kids to work and a felony ensued.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

My son has to go to his first confession so, you know, we made a video of stuff he could confess because HE IS ONLY 8 YEARS OLD, PEOPLE.

Another of my "I'm Here to Help" letter responses goes horribly wrong.

It's like a Rorshach test but with an awesome bicep.

Mine.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

Some things that just, well, state the obvious.

..and then I got a raise and, honestly, I still question why.

Oh, yeah. My shampoo? Totally tried to kill me.

Totally.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

How to fuck with your coworkers.

Take it from an expert.

Signing your kid up for tee-ball is like throwing a baseball but instead of a baseball it's 'money out the window.'

Awesome.

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

The time I had to talk to a woman doctor about my diarrhea.

Yay.

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Self pimping for the week:

Don't forget that yours truly NOW HAS HIS VERY OWN LINE OF COOKIES over at The Bitter Baking Company!!

Head over to Erin's site and grab yourself some deliciously vicious cookies today!

Thanks!!

ALSO:

SurferWife's 'Fashion Disasters' segment is back and I'm a regular caption contributor - here's this week's post.

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

..and that's why I love "Bring Your Kids to Work Day"

2012-05-03T08:00:00.001-04:00

My company did their annual "Bring Your Kids to Work Day" recently and this marked the first time I've ever brought my children in here because, honestly, I wasn't sure of the value of having kids see their dad coast his way through a job.

For me they might as well just called it "Bring your kids to pretend you work day," or "Bring your kids to the place where you wander around for 8 hours getting coffee and pooping."

Regardless, some highlights of the day:

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Signing in:

The first order of business was signing the kids in so they could get shirts. The three of us (my son, Cam and my daughter, Payton) stood in a pretty long line.

This discussion ensued.

Me: "Well guys, if you've ever wanted to change your name, now is your chance."
Payton: "I'm going to say I'm 'anonymous.'"
Me: "Cam, when they ask your name, just whisper "SATAN.""
Cam: "NO! I will say I am the Angel of Death."
Me: "That works."
Payton: "Or I can be 'frik' and he can be 'frak.'"
Me: "That actually makes sense."

When push came to shove, though, Payton gave her actual name.

Cam? Notsomuch.

Guy at desk: "What's your name, buddy?"
Cam: "I don't know."

And thus our day began.

*********************

We don't need no stinkin' badges!

As part of the workday, kids got to have their pictures taken and put on 'security badges' that they were to wear around the building just like we do.

This was my daughter's:

..and this was my son's:

*********************

Yep. That's my kid alright.

Shortly after getting the badges, the kids were back in the cafeteria playing with some of the balloons that were blown up and just generally wandering around.

I was talking to someone when another coworker tapped me on the shoulder.

Coworker: "I'm gonna guess that's your son."

He points over to a boy talking to no one in particular going "WHOA! WHOA!" with a balloon stuck to his head from static electricity.

Me: "Yup. How'd ya guess?"

*********************

My daughter, the felon

My hands-down favorite moment of "Bring your kids to work day" was at lunch time, when my company put out a full spread of pizza, chicken fingers and french fries.

Payton is eating a huge container of salad.

Payton is the ONLY one eating a salad.

Me: "Hey. (looking for salad in the buffet line) Where..um...where did you get that?"
Payton: "At the salad bar."
Me: "Honey. That's in the cafeteria. You have to PAY for salad bar."
Payton: "Oh. Oh well."

Payton walked into the cafe...

...filled a giant container of salad...

...and walked out.

Yes...on "Bring your kids to work day," my daughter stole food.

Awesome.

Can't wait for next year.

The Girlfriend Chronicles - Part Deux

2012-04-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

After the success of the first "Girlfriend Chronicles," I figured I'd share some more excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.*

It's okay to be jealous.

However, after reading these I probably should have put a PG-13 or R rating on this because she kind of has a potty mouth. MOM YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AWAY RIGHT NOW!

*no feelings were harmed during the creation of this post because I essentially have none - like a Vulcan but with smaller ears yet with eerily similar super-strength

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.

The Bitter Baking Company All-Out Pimp-Out

2012-04-28T09:23:00.000-04:00

In lieu of a weekly wrapup, I've decided to just go pimp out my new page of cookies over at The Bitter Baking Company.

For those of you who don't remember the story, check out the post that started it all...along with Erin's follow up that, well, cemented the deal.

Amazing.

When you go there, you'll see a "Mental Poo" category which the lovely Erin (I'm guessing here, I have no idea what she looks like) put together to showcase all of the CUSTOM COOKIES she can make for you with slogans written by yours truly.

You can choose from Mother's Day cookies like this:

Or Birthday cookies like this:

Or even relationship cookies, like this:

Awesome, right?

I can fully attest that the cookies are all hand-made by Erin and wicked good and totally worth it because (a) you'll make someone laugh and (b) Erin and I get money.

I see this as a win-win.

Enjoy your cookies and thanks for the order!!

Motivational Filler - Revenge

2012-04-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

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Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it over 40 years without finding this thing.

I'm giving you advance warning that this poster takes a tiny bit of concentration. My sincere apologies.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):

Um...

Admittedly, that one takes some patience and concentration.

So this is probably not the right audience.

POOP IS FUNNY!!

There..better?

Thought so.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

You can also purchase Authentic "Motivate THIS" Mental Poo Merchandise at the 'Mental Poo' store, or click any of the images below to be taken right there.

Yeah. I'm in it for the money.

Duh.

Moog out.

It's a rocket, it's a car, it has candy and needs better wheels!

2012-04-25T09:00:00.000-04:00

If you're familiar with the chemical reaction that happens when you drop Mentos candies into a bottle of soda thus producing a 30' high soda volcano, then you can imagine my enthusiasm when I saw this in a store in the mall:

"The ROCKET CAR powered by Mentos"....?

SO POWERFUL that the cartoon guy on the box NEEDS A HELMET?!?!?

OH HELL YES.

So of course I get this for the kids for Christmas and the first nice day we had here in New England in March we fired that puppy up.

Me, being the media mogul that I am, put together this riveting nail-biting edge-of-your-seat video of the entire rocket car extravaganza.

*cricket

Maybe 'rocket car' was a bit of a stretch here to write on the box.

I can't believe I bought this helmet for nothing.

Draw Something - The Child Files Edition

2012-04-23T09:00:00.000-04:00

If you have the app "Draw Something" then you know how addicting it can be and - well - interesting, to say the very least.

If you don't have it, it's basically "Pictionary" where you have to draw a word and your opponent must guess it.

Sometimes this is easy. Sometimes it is not. Most times mine start with a sketch of boobies. It's what you get for playing with me.

Today I bring you some pictures that I've collected from my "Draw Something" games.

The theme today:

Drawings from Children.

Enjoy.

****************

This one was sent to me by someone I was playing a game with, who had her iPod hijacked by her kid. Hence, I got this:

The word was 'hunt.'

Yeah, um..Notsomuch.

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The rest of these are from my own kids. Which, honestly, is making me question whether or not they need to be on some type of medication.

"Moose."

It's painfully obvious to me that my daughter has never actually seen a moose.

Or she's only seen moose that come from Chernobyl.

******************

"Eraser."

*shakes head

******************

Luckily my daughter was at my house so I was able to ask her what this was.

Her: "It's a napkin."

Me: "Oh. Obviously."

********************
It got to the point with my son that he would just start writing the things down because he knew in his heart of hearts that there was no way I was gonna be able to guess what he was drawing.

"Cone"

Then, this one:

"Goat."

I'm glad he wrote 'goat' on the 'goat' because I was going to guess "Brontosaurus" and then got stumped at the 4-letter limit.

Then my son sent this gem to my girlfriend:

Yes.

That's Yoda.

Which is appropriate because as far as my kids' artistic talents at "Draw Something," I'd say they've moved to the dark side.

Wrapping up the Week - April 22, 2012

2012-04-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

Before I start today, I have to make a quick mention that Mother's Day is rapidly approaching and - as such - my personalized line of deliciously vicious cookies over at The Bitter Baking Company has been expanded to include such things as this:

You'll also find that my personal "Mental Poo" cookie section has now been expanded to include romance, birthdays and sympathy cookies as well.

Go buy a ton of them.

Thanks in advance.

**********************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

You'd be surprised at the terms people search on and wind up here at this blog.

You may be. I'm not.

Man, I miss Kristin.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

What you get when you cross Mario Lopez and Kim Jong Il.

Save the pickles. Save the world.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

..and then I got all romantic about a ceiling crevice.

I have no idea, either.

As a teenager, I was kind of an asshole. Case in point.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

What would happen if I built a soapbox race car.

Hint: NOT PRETTY.

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

Um.... you searched for what?!

*********************

Self pimping for the week:

Don't forget that yours truly NOW HAS HIS VERY OWN LINE OF COOKIES over at The Bitter Baking Company!!

Head over to Erin's site and grab yourself some deliciously vicious cookies today!

Thanks!!

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

I Self-Evaluate Myself So Much I'm Going to Go Blind

2012-04-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

Here at work, our job performance reviews were coming up and my boss asked us to fill in the 'self evaluation' section - complete with 'goals' we want to attain for the coming year.

This begs the question: I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE GOALS?!

Goals.

Mine were, 'stay employed' and 'bring home a paycheck.' I drew a blank for the third one.

However, my friend and FORMER coworker (not my fault, I swear), Kristin, was having trouble with her goals so I thought I'd help her out.

For reference, the crossed out names in the following IM conversation (E and K) are two girls who sit together in the office next to us and giggle constantly. Drives me batshit.

Enjoy.

Oh..now I have a third goal:

3) Don't get sued or fired for sexual harassment

That one's gonna be a toughie.

Climbing the Google Search Ladder but for All the Wrong Reasons

2012-04-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

I haven't done this in a while so, here goes.

Every so often I check to see how people get to this blog based on their Internet searches.

Sometimes it brings me to gems like this wonderful post that came really close to me giving up on humanity.

*shudders*

An added bonus in checking this out is that my new StatCounter shows me WHERE I show up in the list for any particular search.

That said, enjoy:

I was pretty pumped about being #1 in "Family Circus Porn" because, well, honestly my life is pretty empty.

On a side note, you wouldn't believe how many searches I get for just 'poo' and 'Angela Lansbury naked.'

I only pray they are not the same person doing the searching.

Wrapping Up the Week - April 15, 2012

2012-04-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

It's just a matter of time, people.

Just a matter of time.

This is probably why I don't get any product endorsements.

I revisit my "SoftSoap Chronicles" with a new cartoon!

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

It's like a Rorschach test but with, you know, urinal cakes.

The Tweet that took on a life of it's own.

How to turn your kid into a racist tiger.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

This was the first time I really questioned what we actually do where I work.

My "Hulk Reads Notes to a Teacher" series debuts.

The one about Ruben Studdard Ninja Spiders.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

I got my cast off of my hand from my shattered pinky repair and..well...GAH.

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

Once again my friend, Kristin, takes over my blog and presents us with yet another piece of evidence regarding her dainty and ladylike visage.

Notsomuch.

*********************

Self pimping for the week:

Don't forget that yours truly NOW HAS HIS VERY OWN LINE OF COOKIES over at The Bitter Baking Company!!

Head over to Erin's site and grab yourself some deliciously vicious cookies today!

Thanks!!

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

I Drew a Cartoon! - The SoftSoap Chronicles Continue

2012-04-13T08:00:00.000-04:00

A little while ago I did a cartoon that flew over some people's heads which, honestly, given my target audience really shouldn't be much of a surprise to anyone.

So, I'm giving it another shot.

Since hindsight is 20/20 unless it has astigmatism which typically requires the use of corrective lenses and even then your hindsight has to hold the newspaper far away just to do the Sudoku puzzle because you never ever know when someone is going to slip Nazi propaganda in there, I rethought my cartoon literally 2 seconds after I published it.

True story.

Why I'm addicted to drawing soap I honestly have no friggin clue.

Here you go.

Better?

I hope that's not too HARD for some DICKS out there to understand.

Erection.

Great. I'm already thinking of another one.

Good Lord, help me.