Mental Poo

This is why we can't have nice things

2013-06-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

Walked out of my shower one night to find that my lovely daughter had taken my childhood ventriloquist doll (don't ask) and sat it on my kitchen counter.

In it's hand, was this note:

It did, what?

Oh.

Awesome.

Me: "WHY?!"

Daughter: "He did poopies."

He did. Delicious, chocolately, childhood-ventriloquist-doll poopies.

Hey. Chocolate is chocolate. Doesn't matter how it got there.

My trip to the Science Museum.

2013-06-13T08:30:00.000-04:00

I took my kids to the Boston Museum of Science where things are pretty awesome unless, of course, you took them last year and the Pompeii Exhibit isn't there any more.

Then it's just pretty boring.

So as we were wandering around we ventured into the computer/robotics section..where I noticed this on a giant screen:

So I grabbed the available paper on the counter that they gave us to answer the questionnaire and answered as so:

What do you use your computer for?
Porn

How did you do that before you had a computer?
Magazines I found in the woods and a vivid imagination after watching "The Benny Hill Show."

(Try asking your parents)
I'd honestly rather not ask my mom this.

Seriously, science. Don't ask me things you really don't want to know the answers to.

Why Pepperidge Farms probably won't hire me in the marketing department.

2013-06-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

Pepperidge Farms makes these wonderful little crackers called "Jingos" that are delicious and crackery and crackerlicious.*

*(trademark pending).

My problem is that every time I buy Jingos and look at the box, Elaine Benes immediately pops into my head in her Australian accent saying, "Maybe the dingo ate your baby."

If you're not a Seinfeld fan, then here's what the Hell I'm talking about.

That, of course, ends up with me walking around going "Maybe the Jingo ate your baby" which, in turn, puts some really effed up images in my head and...

..well..

Here's what happens with that PLUS 15 minutes of me being bored:

So of course I stepped back and admired my handiwork and immediately asked Pepperidge Farms what they thought of it on Twitter:

Nothing yet from the employment recruiters over at Pepperidge Farms.

Weird.

Proud Ninja Dad

2013-06-06T09:30:00.000-04:00

About 6 years ago, my son and I embarked on an adventure of taking Kenpo Karate classes together.

He was about 4 at the time, and I was just around 40-ish and probably still had some hair that didn't want to just give up and leap off my skull.

This is us at a karate tournament in 2009 where we cleaned frigging house and brought home a total of 6 trophies:

All this hard work and dedication culminated when, on June 1, 2013, we participated in a test for our First Degree Black Belt.

The test consisted of:

1) 7-1/2 hours of nearly non-stop activity
2) 70% of said 7-1/2 hours spent outside in 94-degree heat
3) Doing all kinds of crazy things like forms, and combination moves and pushups on the side of a 2-lane highway while being HOSED DOWN with water at full blast resulting in our gis weighing 10 pounds.
4) Carrying logs across a field. Yes. LOGS ACROSS A FIELD.
5) Being stepped on by our teachers who were also carrying said logs
6) 4 billion pushups, jumping jacks and ab crunches and these things where you jump up and then go into a pushup and then jump back up and, you know, OUCH.
7) Getting yelled at A LOT.
8) Sparring with our 6th-degree Shihan who also happens to be an MMA fighter and all-around badass.
9) Several mystery bruises, charlie horses, a few arm-bars and a near-miss with a stick to the eye

In the end, though, me - a 44-year old father-of-two - and my son - a soon-to-be-10 year old with a sense of humor much better than mine, ended up like this:

So awesome.

You can kind of see that our names are embroidered on our Black Belts which blend in with our black gis so if you squint you can imagine the coolness of it.

I don't think I've ever been prouder of him to endure the physical and mental punishment of that day - let alone almost 6 years - and pull this out.

Again. Awesome.

And here he is, front and center with the rest of our group:

Congrats to everyone on the test, and for those currently on their way.

Me? I'm just going to stand here and be a proud father.

Proud NINJA father, that is.

Hiya.

The Rain of the Goose

2013-06-03T09:00:00.001-04:00

Have you ever thought how awesome it would be if - during certain moments of our lives - that our brains could take pictures that we could print out and save for later?

Just me?

Figures.

Regardless, the following is one of those times.

I was coaching my son's soccer practice when the most amazing thing happened.

My son's ball ended up being kicked WAY over to the left side of the field. My guess is that it was kicked by one of the kids on Prozac that I have the honor of trying to herd on a bi-weekly basis.

To the right of the soccer field, and unbeknownst to us..

..was a GINORMOUS flock of geese.

Like this:

As my son started running over to get his ball, a noise erupted that I can best describe as rush hour in Los Angeles and everyone's horn is stuck.

As I turned towards the noise, I saw 50 large Canadian geese rise from the grass.

I know they were Canadian because they left poutine everywhere and were complaining about the price of cigarettes.

They immediately formed and began flying away in the direction of the left side of the field...

..where my son was running to get his ball.

THIS? This is where I wish my mind could take a picture.

I watched in horror as the army of geese flew over my son, his back turned and unaware of the armada of flying beasts above him...

..and they began pooping.

"CAM! COVER YOUR HEAD!"

He swears he did not hear me say this and I probably didn't because I was dying laughing, because this is what I was looking at the best I can illustrate it:

It was like Armageddon but instead of brimstone and fire it was goose shit.

EVERYWHERE.

I could hear him screaming under my hysterical laughter as he tried to dodge the aerial bombardment cascading around him as he tried to reach his soccer ball.

And then they were gone.

My son returned, somehow unscathed and laughing himself. After 5 minutes of trying to compose myself, we continued playing.

On another field, of course.

So much goose shit.

This is why children should not have iPhones

2013-05-30T08:30:00.000-04:00

Insight to just one of the many texts I get from my beautiful daughter:

Technology can be terrible.

Maybe my kindergarten was a little different

2013-05-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

So I was at a wedding recently because people who get married think it's a great idea to 'share their day' and 'make people watch' and 'be bored' and 'OH MY GOD THEY HAVE OPEN BAR SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.'

Open bar is always an exception to ANYTHING.

During the ceremony, one of our friends got up and read quoted from the book, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten."

Of course, as she's reading them I'm thinking:

"This is such bullshit."

Sharing?

Play nice?

Be aware of wonder?

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So I started thinking about why MY list would be if I wrote about everything I learned in kindergarten:

1) If you beg like a monkey with a thermos cup on your head, people will give you their Cheetos.

2) There is no such thing as self-respect in kindergarten (see #1).

3) Never trust anyone named 'Craig.'

4) Paste tastes like shit.

5) White glue tastes worse than paste.

6) Kindergarten teachers apparently let you eat all their art supplies.

7) Even at the age of 5, you can pretty much tell who is going to end up in prison someday.

8) If a girl hates you then it means she likes you.

9) If a girl likes you then you should pretend to hate her.

10) If a girl likes you but you don't like her and you tell her then she will make up lies about you and write things like 'YOU ARE POOP' on your desk IN PEN.

11) There is no such thing as 'too many pencils' because they all disappear at some point.

12) If you put a tack on the chair of an authority figure, they will NOT be happy.

13) There actually IS such a thing as a free lunch. But it smells terrible, tastes worse and people will judge you if they see you getting one.

14) You can show people your new toys that you think are really cool and impressive but deep down no one gives a shit.

Man.

I wish I could have spoken at the wedding.

The Cock Block (NSFW)

2013-05-23T08:30:00.001-04:00

For part of my book whoring, I've been shilling myself out to radio stations all across the globe (Vegas and Houston, TX) and basically begging for airtime.

I did guest spots 2 weeks apart on the Curvaceous Bounty of Sin City show, and then on The Brawdcast, respectively.

Radio chicks dig me.

Then..much to my surprise..the ladies over at Sin City Bounty asked me to become a REGULAR contributor to their show.

O_O

So, yes..on the third Sunday of every month, you can hear me call into the Sin City Bounty show and run my segment, affectionately known as "The Cock Block."*

*Trademark pending

Below is my very first segment that aired this past Sunday on May 19th.

You will want headphones because this shit is TOTALLY NSFW.

OH. And you'll need to have this picture for reference because I sent it to the ladies and we talk about it:

I TOLD YOU IT WAS NSFW.

Well, regardless...here is my debut segment on The Sin City Bounty radio show.

Enjoy!

..and this is why most people find my blog by searching "Family Circus Porn." True story.

2013-05-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

Bite me, Billy.

AGAIN.

I recently asked people what their favorite posts of mine were and several of you noted that it was my skewed take on that ridiculously terrible comic strip, "The Family Circus."

If you've missed my other episodes of this, you can find them here.

This time, though, I'm sparing you the pain of what the original comic said because see 'ridiculously terrible comic strip' comment above...

..so you just get my newly edited ones.

Enjoy.

UPDATE:

I had a request to do the "Before" and "After" cartoons - which is why, in the examples below, the first one always sucks balls.

******************

******************

******************

There.

That's better.

I suppose the next time you'll hear from me, it will be from jail due to Copyright infringement or some shit.

Fuck it. Totally worth it.

Take that, Billy!

Moog out.

Yep. He's my son alright.

2013-05-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

Took the kids to play laser tag because it's fun and I am usually high scorer and it's important during their formative years to impress upon them that WINNING IS EVERYTHING.

Except for the 2 times I came in second place. Total anomaly but still okay because I give myself a wide berth.

When you register for the games, you have to come up with a player name. Then they bring you into a room a debrief you (not literally because - hello - CHILDREN) and put your names on the screen.

This is what greeted me as the names were put up on the screen:

OMG he kills me.

Then I went out and kicked everyone's ass.

It's all about winning people. And guyfarting.

But mostly about the winning.

This is way better than a Leg Lamp.

2013-05-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

I called my publisher the other day to ask him a question, and he answered the phone like this:

"So, you like the email?"

Um.

Sure?

Me: "Uh..hi? What? What email?"

Tim: "Go check your email."

So of course I ran to check my email because I assumed Kate Upton was asking him how to get in touch with me.

Man, if I had a nickel.

But, no. Instead, what greeted me was THIS:

OMGOMGOMGOMG.

HOLY CRAP POOP!

And then I apparently fainted and was out cold for days because I woke up in the middle of my living room with my dog looking at me hungrily and I had a full beard.

So, yeah. I was a finalist in the "Humor/Comedy" category for the Next Generation Indie Book Awards but I think I'm more excited about winning a medal for it which I will wear all the time just like this:

I'm considering going to the ceremony so they can actually PUT THE MEDAL AROUND MY NECK because this is probably as close as I'll ever get to knighthood or doing something remotely athletic.

Awesome.

*********************

If you haven't read my book yet, or would like to order 3,000 more copies of a Next Generation Indie Book Awards Finalist, you can get it in FULL COLOR paperback and Kindle versions here:

Things Go Wrong for Me - Amazon.com

I Drew a Cartoon!! - Ugh. I hate when this happens.

2013-05-10T08:30:00.000-04:00

I drew another cartoon for you people today because, honestly, I really didn't feel like doing work AT ALL.

Microsoft Paint is my copilot.

There's an expression here when you absolutely go nuts with anger and throw tantrums and stuff. Since it is the punchline of today's cartoon, I won't ruin it for you.

But I was thinking about it the other day and, well, this popped into my head.

Enjoy.

I know. He looks more confused than angry.

Can't blame him, really.

To see all my other cartoons, go here.

Man.

I need a hobby.

Perfect fit.

2013-05-08T09:00:00.001-04:00

Email conversation about someone wanting to guest post on this blog:

Haven't heard back yet.

Weird.

My house is weird

2013-05-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

When you have two kids who are crazy practical jokers (stay tuned for "Book 2"), AND they have a father who also likes to pull his own share of pranks, none of what happens in my house should actually surprise me any more.

Take, for instance, when I came out of the shower one evening and found my childhood ventriloquist doll, Mortimer, sitting on my kitchen counter with this in his lap.

At which point, I look around the BACK of my doll sitting on the counter and..

..well..

Nice.

Then I ate the Hershey kisses because ventriloquist poopie or not, chocolate is chocolate.

That shouldn't surprise anyone, either.

Some more SomeECards and that just sounds like terrible sentence structure.

2013-05-02T08:30:00.000-04:00

I've done a few different things along the years with this blog.

Motivational Posters.

LOLz pictures featuring my dog, Jax.

Borderline NC-17 rated Family Circus cartoons.

So it was just a matter of time before I branched out into the SomeEcards realm.

This is the second in my SomeEcards series. For my first, you'll have to go here.

Enjoy.

I know I'm gonna get some shit from the ladies on that last one but I don't really care because I don't ever remember getting a "Man's Day" so they can suck it up.

*ducks

I'm like Wolfman Jack but less hairy and not dead

2013-04-29T09:00:00.001-04:00

I've had some pretty awesome responses to my book thus far, but none more awesome than my first appearances on radio shows this past month.

SIN CITY

For my first radio appearance, I was invited to be a guest "The Curvaceous Bounty of Sin City" show after I asked them if I could come on.

So I guess it was less 'invited' and more 'forced entry.'

Actually, one of my LONG TIME readers is a co-host of the show (Sienna) and she booked me and then the rest was radio gold/history.

Here is YouTube video of one of my segments - I show up on or around the 34-minute mark:

If I ever get around to getting to Vegas I will TOTALLY be making a visit to the studios and am fearful/hopeful that I will become a plaything.

THE BRAWDS

A week later, I did a show with the women "Jenny K" and "Butt Rock Betty" (no idea) of "The Brawdcast."

The kept me on WAAAAY longer than they should have but we were having such a great frigging time doing the spot that I don't think any of us actually gave a shit.

There is no video of the show which is unfortunate because we were doing video Skype and I can tell you that the women are as hot as they are filthy...

...but there is THIS PODCAST that you can listen to. I come in at or around the 20-minute mark and stay well past my welcome.

But, if you can handle me talking about dildos and penis extenders and riding in the back of a dump truck, I think you'll enjoy it.

********************

PLEASE give these wonderful women some love and linkage by friending them and following them and liking them all over the place (especially THERE).

Sin City Bounty links:

- Website
- Facebook
- Twitter

The Brawdcast links:

- Website
- Podcasts
- Twitter
- Facebook Page 1 or Facebook Page 2

I caption because I CAN

2013-04-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

My tattoo witch friend, Lisa, posted this picture on Facebook for whatever reason.

I don't question what Lisa posts because:

a) She puts tattoos on me and you NEVER want to piss of THAT person, and
b) She is an actual witch and - you know - fuck being a newt, right?

Regardless, if you're my friend on Facebook then you know I will put stupid shit on things you think are serious whenever I can.

This was no exception, so - upon seeing this - I just started throwing captions at it:

There.

Don't worry, I'm fully prepared to have a ladybug or some shit put on my body next time I'm at her tattoo studio.

Gonna be tough tattooing a newt, though.

But she's a witch. They can do anything.

"Hey..um..you got a little something on your face."

2013-04-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

In our storyline of my college disasters, I offer to you some advice:

If you’re ever partying in someone else’s dorm room…

HIDE THE MARKERS.

Let me explain.

Back in college, every Thursday night was party night. This is because some kids went home over the weekends and - much like work - no one does anything on Fridays anyway so of course on one of these happy Thursday party nights I drank so much that I blacked out.

Like OUT OUT.

The following morning, I woke up in the middle of the floor in my friend's room...still fully dressed and feeling like I had been on the receiving end of a Whack-A-Mole hammer.

My buddy Spike greeted me. He was smirking.

“Good morning. How you feeling?”

Me: “Eh…okay…”

I managed to somehow get myself upright and stumbled past him…

Me: “I’m…going to wash up.”

I grabbed my things, and headed for the shower room down the hallway of the dorm, saying hi to everyone else who was up as I walked by.

Maybe 5 or 6 of my friends talked to me on the way.

I stepped into the bathroom…and grabbed hold of one of the sinks.

I was sick. WAY sick.

After heaving a bit into the sink, I managed to raise my head…

…and look at my face in the mirror.

WHAT. THE FUCK.

I had cat whiskers.

I had Spock eyebrows.

I had tic-tac-toe drawn on my right cheek.

I had a big red dot on my nose.

I had a moustache.

I had the acronym “NFL” (Nice F*cking Life) on my left cheek.

SONOFABITCH.

"Oh no no NO NO NO"

I start the water, grab my towel and start rubbing.

…and rubbing…

…and rubbing…

MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?

Nope. Not kidding.

Permanent marker.

OH COME ON!!

I grab my stuff and go back into Spike’s room…

…fully aware now that not only did HE KNOW that I looked like this when I woke up…but that everyone who said “hi” to me in the hallway knew the same thing.

Ugh.

Me: “Dude. The fuck! How could you let them do this to me?!”

Spike: “Hey..hey…I stopped them from pulling your pants down.”

Ah. Small favors.

Apparently, as I lay there unconscious on Spike’s floor, a crowd had gathered around to doodle on me.

At one point, the RA (Resident Assistant) came in to find out what was going on. He looked at everyone in the room, defiling me.

They all stopped, a room full of drunk college kids with markers in their hand hovering over a blacked-out sexy midget guy.

Oh, shit.

Busted.

Then the RA grabbed the marker from one of the accomplices.

“My turn!!”

…and started doodling himself.

Asshole.

So, back to the shower I go.

As I keep trying to scrub away, I unbutton my shirt to get into the shower…

Oh…

Oh no…

A big red heart drawn on my chest…

Even more tic-tac-toe…

The word “Asshole” scrawled across my belly.

Again…

PERMANENT MARKER.

I hate people.

I rubbed my face and stomach until I shed my skin trying to clean that shit off.

In the end, I looked like an Oompa Loompa:

Short.

Red.

And I like to sing about chocolate and row boats.

…that last part doesn’t fit the story. Scratch it.

Anyway…

I don’t think I ever drank that much again…

But my buddy, Pete, did.

At which point, we shaved his head as soon as he blacked out.

True story.

Not once, but we shaved Pete's head TWICE. You'd think he'd learn after the first time but no.

So I guess things could have been worse.

Thanks, Spike…for keeping my pants on.

Although, I would have found the joy of manscaping a long time ago.

The Girlfriend Chronicles - I love you as much as a Korean import

2013-04-18T08:30:00.000-04:00

After the success of my previous "Girlfriend Chronicles," posts, I figured I'd share some more excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.

It's okay to be jealous.

And you should probably send Kerri a sympathy card or something after reading these.

She puts up with a LOT.

Enjoy!

*****************

Seriously.

I can only afford to love you to Korea.

I think that's in a Van Halen song.

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.

The Stinky Fun Factory

2013-04-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

Today, I give you a short glimpse into what it's like to be my friend.

..and then...

Why you really really really might not want that privilege.

Here is a snippet of some Instant Messaging that happened out of the blue with my friend, John, the other day.

Enjoy.

***********************

midgetmanofsteel: Have you ever pooped rectangles? Because I just pooped a rectangle...like a PlayDoh Fun Factory and squishing it out the little rectangle hole. How does that happen?

John: dude

***********************

That's how I said 'hi' to John.

Popping open his Yahoo Messenger window, telling him that I just shit a rectangle.

Seriously...I shit a rectangle.

I'm not sure how this was physically possible.

And I needed answers.

I believe this conversation took place around 9:00 a.m.

Good morning, Johnny!

Had coffee yet? You have?

Then let's talk about my rectangular shit!

But John, who is self-proclaimed 'King of all things shit-related,' didn't disappoint me:

***********************

John: I might have to think about that

John: I'm going into a meeting, I will ponder it during the meeting

***********************

He will ponder it.

This begs the question:

What's a friend?

Is a friend someone who stands by your side, and lends understanding and compassion when you need them most?

No.

No...a friend is someone who will forget about his career and, instead, contemplate the inner workings of the human body including, but not limited to, your bowels, colon and sphincter muscles to answer the question of how you were able to shit out a geometric shape that morning.

THAT, my friends, is a true amigo.

This is also probably why I have very few of them.

I should probably think about revising that definition.

Whatever.

(yep...one that's one of mine)

**** the IM picks up again later that day ****

John: so, is it like a piece of charcoal?

midgetmanofsteel: charcoal? Jesus, man. How big do you think my asshole is?

John: no I meant charcoal square

John: like rounded edges. Like what you put inside a grill.

midgetmanofsteel: no - more like a Twix bar, but way longer.

John: oh

***********************

Oh.

I get...'Oh.'

That's the last I've heard from John on the subject.

It's been months.

I'm guessing he's still pondering it.

He's a good friend.

I think.

My daughter could write lyrics to Def Leppard songs.

2013-04-11T08:30:00.000-04:00

Ever since my daughter hit the age of 12, she's been filled with pre-teen angst and attitude and OMG I WISH I'D SAVED THE RECEIPT FOR HER BECAUSE I'M CONSIDERING A REFUND.

Lately she gives me more attitude than laughs, but every so often she comes up with something awesome.

The two of us were in Best Buy and she decided to look at the iPAD Mini which was right next to the iPAD Maxi and iPAD 3/4 Mid-Mini and iPAD Microscopic.

Less is more, Apple. Less is more.

She's been trying to learn to type and opened up "Notes" on the iPad and started typing away. It wasn't til after she was done that I noticed what she wrote:

"Hinga Dinga Dinga Durgan"

Of course I said it out loud. Trust me, if you say it out loud you can't help but sound like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

You just tried it, didn't you? Of course you did.

IT IS SO MUCH FUN.

The rest of the day we talked like the Swedish Chef and always - always - inserted 'Hinga Dinga Dinga Durgan' into the sentence and friggin laughed together like we hadn't in a loooooong time.

I guess I'll keep her.

Sometimes I don't even know how I can be this odd

2013-04-08T09:00:00.000-04:00

Just some random crap that happened the other day at work.

Keep in mind I have no idea how this happens. It just does.

I got an IM from one of our software developers, Randy.

This is how that went:

I particularly like how Randy kind of kept going about what he ACTUALLY wanted to talk about up until the point he had to acknowledge that my pyramid was 'NICE' because I kind of backed him into a corner there.

Then..later that same day...

That is kind of what it's like to work with me.

Must be Hell.

The DumbECard Project - 4th time is a charm

2013-04-05T08:30:00.000-04:00

A while ago a friend of mine, Ross Cavins, wrote a book called "Follow the Money" which - believe it or not - I actually read AND did a review on even though there was no porn scenes or 8"x10" pictures included in the envelope that he shipped it to me in.

Jerk.

Regardless, Ross is doing a number of projects - one of which is a new site called "DumbECards" - which is similar to "SomeECards" and "MoreECards" and "EvenMoreECardsThanSomeECards" EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT...

(suspenseful pause)

I'm writing some of the cards.

Here's a sample of what you'll get from me if you go to the DumbECards site:

I will be adding cards regularly, as will Ross and Davenport (the other contributor on the site) and will be surely pimping that shit out on my Facebook page and Twitter feeds.

In the meantime, go check out DumbECards and feel free to share any you find there yourself.

You can consider it 'reading.'

I certainly do.

April 1st is like Christmas for my daughter except with less presents and more TP

2013-04-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

I had my kids on April 1st which is highly regarded by my daughter because she loves pulling pranks.

It's almost annoying.

So, when she found out that my son and I were skipping karate that night she immediately burst into tears.

Me: "What's wrong?!"

Daughter: "I had so many things planned! I was planning ALL DAY!! This is terrible!!"

So, being the good dad that I am, I took my son out with me for an hour or so, resulting in this Tweet:

Then we came home.

And do I know my daughter, or what?

Because THIS? THIS is what greeted me as I pulled into the driveway:

Awesome.

My daughter used an entire roll of toilet paper on MY HOUSE and then hung my clothes outside.

Then we went inside where I found this little ditty hanging from my bedroom ceiling fan:

That is my childhood ventriloquist doll, Mortimer (DON'T JUDGE ME), whom my daughter has somehow made even creepier.

This also greeted me in my lunch:

She's lucky I like her.

Of course, she also tried putting plastic wrap over the toilet but left 36 wrinkles in it (which led me to show her how to PROPERLY do it so I will only have myself to blame NEXT YEAR when I piss all over it).

So, payback being a bitch, I found a piece of my dog's toy that he had ripped off because that's what he does and deftly placed it in her bag of chips, so this is what she would see at snack time at school when she opened her bag:

Prompting this text from her around 10 am the next morning:

BAM.

Now I sit in the corner of my room in fetal position waiting for her payback of my payback.

She's way better at this than I am.

Why my dog hates being alone with me

2013-04-01T09:00:00.001-04:00

Because things like this happen:

This started because my friend, Lisa, dared me to do it after posting another dog with a mustache so, you know, GAME ON.

Thus prompting me to post it on Facebook because it was awesome.

I wish I had enough room on my hand to give him a goatee.

He'd look like a little fuzzy professor.