Mental Poo

How the hell did I not know about this?

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

This appeared on the sidebar of a web page I was on:

I don't know what bothers me more:

That (a) the abuse is so bad that there is a need for this ad, or (b) that there is an entire culture of dancing bears I knew nothing about.

Great. Now I want to see a dancing bear.

I don't think this ad worked AT ALL.

THE THINGY

2012-01-23T09:00:00.003-05:00

My daughter got her thingy.

*blank stares*

You know.

Her THINGY.

*blinks and some shoulder shrugs*

UGH.

Her THINGY. THE thingy.

WTF people, do I have to spell it out for you?

The thingy that girls get and it comes once a month…you know…from her toolie.

*aaah*

Yes.

THAT thingy.

*gags

I should probably note at this point that to this day that I have never referred to my kids’ private parts as their actual clinical names and I swear until the day I die my daughter’s V will be called a ‘toolie’ and my son’s P will be called his ‘wiggly’ and that thing that girls get once a month is called a ‘thingy’ as in, “Oh. Did you get your thingy? Dude. Gross.”

I almost feel bad for when they get older and my son’s dirty talk consists of stuff like, “mmm…baby…do you want me to put my wiggly in your toolie?” At which point the poor girl - frozen in fear - just, you know, RUNS.

But if I don’t maintain this semblance of innocence I feel I will die inside so bear with me.

Regardless, I got a wonderful text from my ex-wife one day that simply said:

Ex: “Payt got it.”

Wait. Did I miss something? Was she up for the main part in a play? Was there some trip to the store for some out of stock item that she’d been wanting for a while but I neglected to pay attention because, HELLO, she’s a girl and guys don’t pay attention to girls ESPECIALLY their daughters because girls are incredibly annoying.

?

I had no idea what my ex-wife was talking about.

Me: “Got what.”

Ex: “It.”

Oh.

IT.

THAT it.

Her….

THINGY.

My face went pale. I felt myself getting woozy, my legs getting weak… this couldn't possibly be happening.

Me: “GAH.”

Ex: “You’re going to need to get her supplies for your house.”

SUPPLIES?!

This is now quickly becoming the worst day in history but instead of having a “Never Forget” bumper sticker for it, this one would say “OMG IS THERE ANY WAY TO GET A LOBOTOMY AROUND HERE?!”

Supplies. Like this is some kind of sick art project or that we’re gathering foodstuffs for going hiking on the worst. Trail. Ever.

But I know what ‘supplies’ means:

Pads and vajayjay torpedoes.

Me: “OMG can you just get them? Please? I beg you.”

Ex: “Just go and get some pads. She doesn't need tampons yet. I got her some pads called “Tweens.” That’s all she needs right now.”

*aneurism

Me: “I want to die. Pads? Tweens? Is that a make or model?”

Ex: “Just get some regular ones and some overnight ones.”

THEY MAKE DIFFERENT KINDS DEPENDING ON THE TIME OF DAY?!?!

Me: “OMG…seriously…ARE THERE SIZES?!”

I assumed there are sizes for these things because a tween toolie can’t be the same size as, say, Oprah’s toolie so there HAS to be some difference in these things. I’ve seen a ton of porn and some of these HAVE to be larger than others, right?

Do you get sized for these things? Is there one of those foot-measuring things hanging around in the feminine hygiene aisle except, you know, that measures your V?

*head explodes

Shortly after waking up from this nightmare I realized that it wasn’t actually a nightmare and found myself wandering into Target alone and afraid and confused because I think my ex-wife was pretty much enjoying the fact that I was losing my shit.

It was on or around this time that I ventured down the main aisle. Passing the kids clothing…the greeting cards…the movies…

..my pace slowed. My subconscious mind was kicking in that no man should ever have to do this. I mean, there was that one time I think I had to run and get ‘supplies’ for my ex-wife but I was younger and foolish and IT WASN’T FOR MY DAUGHTER.

Maybe I’ll just go look at the televisions and NO! NO ROD! STAY THE COURSE! Your little girl depends on you!

I turned into THE AISLE.

There I stood. At 5’4” tall I stood between two 7’ high walls of big, poofy packages and multi-colored boxes. I was overwhelmed, like a kid who just had 3 Hershey bars walking into a Chuck E. Cheese for the first time.

SO MUCH. JUST…So. Much.

My eyes scanned for, what did she say? I checked back through my texts - a lot of which were from my ex at the end saying “Hello? Are you there?” because I had apparently been in a catatonic state for 12 hours.

“Tweens.”

My eyes quickly scanned. Tweens…Tweens…Tweens..OMFG I CANNOT FIND ‘TWEENS’ pads and will SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?!

A woman walks into the aisle and I glance at her with a ‘help me’ puppy-dog stare but, seriously, what am I going to ask her? “Hi..my little girl got her..you know..and I need to get her these things..I guess..and will you do me a favor (*hands her my car key*) and just slice my jugular open with this? Thanks.”

At this point I felt like James Franco in “127 Hours” where I’m stuck under that boulder and know deep down that I’m really on my own here and NO ONE is helping me find “Tweens” maxi-pads for my daughter’s thingy and I would seriously consider cutting my arm off at this point if God would just make her thingy hold off for another, like, 7 years or something when she can shop for this shit herself.

That’s when I spot the “Tweens.”

The LAST BOX of “Tweens.”

I quickly grab the last box of "Tweens" like I’m Gollum grabbing that damn ring and actually really wish it was that ring because I would totally put it on and become invisible right now.

Tweens down, I look for the ‘overnights.’ Sadly, only 2 makes of these things appear to be ‘overnight pads’ and based on the size of the soft packaging they are actually made for use on the overnight periods of African Elephants. I’m guessing these things inside the package are about a foot long and could probably be used as floatation devices in some emergency situations.

I spin around and stare at the opposite wall. SO MANY PADS. Nope..no overnights over there. Wait..wings? Do I get wings?!

Me: “Okay. One box of Tweens. The overnights though. They look huge. Wings? Do I get wings?!”

Ex: “No. No wings.”

I look again and the only overnights they have have wings. I jumped the gun on the ‘wings’ question. Awfuck. Now what. Ex said ‘no wings’ but all the overnights are winged. I feel like I’m shopping for a parrot. Well, shit. She’s gonna have to get wings. I wish I had wings because I’d fly right the Hell out of here. I’m beginning to get dizzy. This is probably because I’ve now been standing in this aisle for 3 hours and am in need of sustenance.

I grab a package of overnights, tuck it under my arm with the Tweens, grab a Harley Davidson magazine just to even everything out and head to the checkout.

DONE.

I went home, cleared out a drawer in the bathroom, put all my girl’s “supplies” in it, closed it and ran away to the other end of the house.

Then I read my Harley magazine and found a new seat that I wanted for my bike because the padding on mine is a little thin.

Padding.

Pad.

Ugh.

I wish I had 2 boys.

Wrapping Up the Week - January 22, 2012

2012-01-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

Some insight on what you have to deal with if you're my girlfriend.

She accepts condolence letters, FYI.

Dear guy on Facebook: umm...WHAT?

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

You know what I found making this post? It's impossible to make Mario Lopez ugly.

Trust me. I TRIED.

And then I was sick so I went to Google and, well, that was a mistake.

..and then I played "Blokus."

Kind of.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

Then I drew some 'Family Circus' cartoons for you. NSFW..probably.

Then I made a video about what it must be like to be Jesus and hearing people curse your name all the time.

So going to Hell.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

A kind of PSA announcement about Internet privacy and what happens if you have a password based on an adult sex item.

The more you know.

Ugh. The day I had to go COMMANDO.

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

This is about the day I had to drop off my post-vasectomy sperm sample.

Good times. Good times.

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Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

Short..and sweet...and one effing funny picture.

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

Little Debbie Wants My Ding Don

2012-01-20T08:00:00.002-05:00

Please note that I wrote this post before my friend, Kristin, got shitcanned here at work.

Carry on.

My friend, Kristin, and I have too much time on our hands.

Well...I also have a little bit of toilet paper stuck there...but that's because of my chronic masturbation.

Yet another episode of "Sick Instant Messages with Kristin and Rod."

Enjoy.

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midgetmanofsteel: I wanna go home.

Kristin: i think i'm going to leave early

midgetmanofsteel: I need to start really playing Lotto..this working shit is for the birds.

Kristin: no shit. i hate it

midgetmanofsteel: not that I'm actually working or anything...every so often...like, once every three hours..I might do something.

midgetmanofsteel: other than that...it's pretty much just drinking coffee and going to the bathroom.

midgetmanofsteel: I may send you a picture message next time I'm in there.

Kristin: that's cool. i got really lazy here lately.

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(editor's note: I just noticed she wrote 'that's cool' after I told her I'd send her a picture of my stool. WTF?!)

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Kristin: i lost motivation

midgetmanofsteel: maybe you can look for motivation under my desk.

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(editor's note: To my girlfriend: Honey...that's just a joke)

(editor's second note: Kristin, ignore 'just a joke' note above..I'm dead serious)

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Kristin: i don't know if you noticed but some of the people in charge are like ding dongs

midgetmanofsteel: ding dongs? they're round and chocolaty with a cream filling?

Kristin: not that good

midgetmanofsteel: you said ding dongs

midgetmanofsteel: personally, I'd prefer a ding dong over a twinkie

OMG OMG OMG I FUCKING HATE TWINKIES

Sorry. Tangent.

Kristin: not ring dings

midgetmanofsteel: wtf is a ding dong, then?

midgetmanofsteel: are ding dongs the things that look like small black penises?

Kristin: devil dogs

Kristin: those are the penis shaped ones

midgetmanofsteel: no...not what I'm thinking...

Kristin: funny bones

midgetmanofsteel: I know what a devil dog is...remember...I was a giant fat shit of a kid.

midgetmanofsteel: you're screwing me up now

Kristin: oh...do you remember star crunches?

midgetmanofsteel: little debbie

Kristin: y

midgetmanofsteel: she wanted my fat ass.

Kristin: i loved her

midgetmanofsteel: you were all lesbo for little debbie?

Kristin: no. i just liked her shit.

midgetmanofsteel: dude. that's even worse

midgetmanofsteel: two girls, one cup..cake.

Kristin: lol

Kristin: her food

midgetmanofsteel: HO HO's

midgetmanofsteel: what about these?

Kristin: oh yeah..those are good

midgetmanofsteel: actually..they look more like turds than black penises

Kristin: what about the choc covered wafer things

Kristin: i can't remember what those were called

midgetmanofsteel: not sure...I think they were called, 'choco wafer things'

Kristin: ah...they were called "wafers"

midgetmanofsteel: wow...creative

Kristin: did you know the little debbie twinkie was called a "golden creme"

midgetmanofsteel: sounds hot.

Kristin: i thought so

Kristin: if you squeeze it hard enough the cream will shoot out

midgetmanofsteel: Hey, Little Debbie...want my golden cream?

midgetmanofsteel: it's gold because I have an infection.

****************

Um...

I don't really have an infection.

Ding dong.

Ricky Ricardo Must Move Up the Gal Flex. ZEET!

2012-01-18T08:00:00.001-05:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen this:

A lot of my friends on Facebook are you, my loyal readers who are also sprinkled in with a few actual friends and maybe one or two people I owe money to who keep hacking my damn account.

I accept PayPal, in case you're interested in donating.

One day I got a message from someone on Facebook.

I have no idea who this person is - I assumed a fan/reader/stalker but the message was..

THIS:

Um.

Okay.

So I responded. And thus began our long history of what-is-going-on-here-because-I-have-no-clue where messages would just appear randomly and, obviously, typed by a monkey:

Seriously, Ricardo, if my penis DID reach back that far I'd be home zeeting right now.

I probably would have zooted, like, twice yesterday alone.

Cuz I'm a gwaan bad man. Obviously.

The Girlfriend Chronicles

2012-01-16T09:00:00.001-05:00

Just thought I'd share some excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.*

It's okay to be jealous.

However, after reading these I probably should have put a PG-13 or R rating on this because she kind of has a potty mouth. MOM YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AWAY RIGHT NOW!

*no feelings were harmed during the creation of this post because I essentially have none - like a Vulcan but with smaller ears yet with eerily similar super-strength

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.

Wrapping Up the Week - January 15, 2012

2012-01-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

I went back to my old-school roots of writing shit and then drawing pictures with this lovely childhood tale about my dog who could shit letters.

*sniff

My take on the 2012 Republican candidates.

Um...that's one kinky Jedi.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

And this, people...THIS is why I'm a dog person.

My first Fox25 News Facebook comment-bombing post appears to great critical reviews!

*not really

Yet more evidence of my maturity level..or lack thereof, specifically...at work.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

If you don't follow me on Twitter..this is the kind of stuff you're missing out on.

Because doodling at work is just one of those things I do.

Similar to not working at work.

DON'T PLAY WITH IT LIKE THAT.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

Why I would be a terrible candlestick maker.

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

I finally finish my masturbatory advent calendar.

It makes total sense if you read it.

And then my buddy went to the gym and..um..did the unthinkable.

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Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

Gotta love this Gweenbrick guy. Even if he does have a giant piece of poop for an eyebrow.

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

May the reacharound be with you.

2012-01-13T08:00:00.002-05:00

I was at my girlfriend's house and noticed this picture in one of her kid's "Star Wars - Clone Wars" coloring books on the table:

Ah. A picture of Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker's Jedi apprentice who is apparently getting ready to engage someone in..

..engage in..

..um..

Caption options:

1) Sadly, Anakin's new 'Jedi Cloak of Invisibility' only worked on his concealed parts.

2) Ahsoka Tano proudly displays her new 'Strap-on Saber.'

3) A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...someone made a light saber handle that looked like a great big penis.

4) "The Force is dong with this one."

I feel I've thought way too much about this. Actually, I just felt these captions come to me.

Typical for a Jedi, really.

My take on the 2012 Republicans. Because if you can't make an informed decision, then you're just like me.

2012-01-11T09:00:00.003-05:00

Well, yesterday was the Presidential Primary in New Hampshire and as a good citizen I voted. I voted 12 times. Using assumed names. It's the American way.

But, yes, I did vote. Why? I think this Tweet sums it up nicely:

As a public service to all my readers for the upcoming election, I've decided to break down all the Republican candidates using a tried-and-true pros/cons function that, honestly, I wish was just an app for my iPod because this was kind of a pain in the ass.

You're welcome.

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Mitt Romney

Pros:
1) Great background in economics
2) My girlfriend thinks he's handsome
3) Mitt looks a lot like my cousin, Jim, who is a really nice guy. This also means that by the theorem post-hoc-ergo-propter-hoc that my girlfriend thinks my cousin is handsome and I should probably pay attention to the two of them at my next family reunion.
4) Seriously, Jim. I'm not above killing my own cousin. Keep your goddamn hands off my girlfriend.

Cons:
1) To function, Mitt requires hard-to-find 6-volt lantern batteries.
2) He's a Mormon and, seriously, have you read what they believe in? Kind of hard to want to vote for a nutcase who doesn't even drink.

**************
Ron Paul

Pros:
1) He was excellent in the role of Gandalf in the "Lord of the Rings" series.
2) He has some great ideas. Sadly, I don't know what any of them are.
3) My friend, Kristin, is like way over-the-top for Ron Paul and anyone who has the balls to go out in public like this may have a point, although I'm not sure what the point is other than "LOOK AT ME! I'M CERTIFIABLY INSANE.":

(please note that the name of the above photo is "kristin is batshit crazy.jpg")

Cons:
1) I predict 'broken hip' only 6 months into his first term, caused from turning to the side a little too quickly
2) Tax dollars will need to be spent to retrofit the White House with those motorized chairs that can go up and down stairs
3) No one wants to see any beach photos of this guy on his Presidential vacation
4) He attracts the kind of crazy followers who dress up head-to-toe in campaign signs and are, obviously, mentally challenged.

**************
Newt Gingrich

Pros:
1) Has a fuller head of white hair than Ron Paul
2) Not politically correct and will probably be the first President to tell Iran to seriously go fuck itself. I see this as a win.

Cons:
1) The guy's name is effing NEWT for Chrissakes
2) No one has actually liked this guy in, you know, ever.
3) The last person I knew named "Newt" was the little girl in "Aliens" which was a wicked good movie. Remember when Sigourney Weaver was kind of hot? Maybe in, like, Ghostbusters in the underwear scene and then she kind of went to shit.

**************
Rick Perry

Pros:
1) He is not named "Newt."

Cons:
1) They say 'everything is bigger in Texas.' Apparently, this saying also extends to morons.

**************
Jon Huntsman
Pros:
1) His daughters are smokeshows. Holy shitballs.

Cons:
1) His daughters aren't running for President.

**************
Rick Santorum

Pros:
1) You can almost sing his name to that Metallica song

Cons:
1) Appeals to the Evangelical crowd and, seriously, no one likes those people except maybe God. Maybe.
2) Every time I see him not in a suit, he's in a sweater vest. We can't vote for someone who wears sweater vests, people. Pretty sure that's in the Constitution.

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There you have it. My take on the Republican candidates for the 2012 Presidential nomination.

Take this information. Use it.

In the event of the Huntsman daughters, print it out. Laminate it. Maybe Photoshop yourself in it. The lamination is key here, really, because those babes must be protected.

God Bless the Huntsman girls.

God Bless America.

Moog out.

The Smelliest Alphabet Person EVER.

2012-01-09T09:00:00.002-05:00

WARNING: This post contains pictures of me as a small child.

I always grew up with dogs as a kid which is, quite honestly, a bit of a surprise considering that my very first dog – a Pomeranian named ‘Suzy’ – was basically held captive by yours truly 4 hours of every day through the innovative use of reclining chair cushions and the super strength of a very fat kid.

I’m not sure what happened to Suzy but I assume whatever it was, it was self-inflicted in an attempt to flee a life of eternal Lazy Boy slavery.

Living in an inner city, it made sense to have a small dog because space is limited in a two-family home and small dogs are harder to hit in drive-by shootings.

The more you know.

So, of course, our next dog was a collie.

I don’t know why, either.

The dog’s name was ‘Timmy’ and he was handsome and ginormous and mostly stayed in our backyard in a dog house that my dad custom-made for him – probably trying to make up to him for the fact that the dog was now living in a yard roughly the size of a pee pad.

But Timmy was MAGIC.

Timmy could summon our neighbors at will by barking loudly and majestically at all hours of day and night. And then he would try to bite other children and sometimes hump them in an attempt to make leg-collie pups.

Good boy, Timmy. Goooood boy.

Then one day my friends and I came home and I peered over the stockade fence to say ‘hi’ to Timmy and that’s when we saw..

IT.

IT.

It was amazing.

It was gravity defying.

It was…

..a miracle.

There…just beside Timmy and his dog house:

A poop.

BUT LO! This was NOT just any poop, NO, I SAY! NO!

This poop was...

STANDING.

The poop was standing straight up like it was pointing to an airplane or was maybe pretending to be one of those Royal British guards or maybe even an early foreshadowing of the dawn of the Viagra age but if, you know, poop took it.

And there, Timmy stood next to his vertical turd (verti-turd?) with a look on his face like, ‘Yeah. See what I did right there? I pooped UPWARDS. Suck it.’

Like I said:

MAGIC.

It was then that I noticed the SECOND piece of dog poop.

There, at the base of the upright piece of shit, was another piece lying prone…deftly forming the letter, “L.”

That’s when the light bulb went off because, you see:

My last name is ‘Lacroix.’

Me: “I think he’s trying to spell our last name!”

Friend: "..."

YES. I was convinced that somehow during the course of his stay with us, he had not ONLY learned the family surname but ALSO discovered how to write the alphabet and – using this knowledge – began rigorously training his sphincter muscles to begin crafting his own fecal matter in an attempt to communicate with us.

I was sure that, if given enough time, he would not ONLY spell his name but also be able to converse with humans in the grossest way possible. It was like “Charlotte’s Web” but with less spiders and more dog shit.

This was truly a miracle.

Then my friend threw a tennis ball and knocked it over.

I guess we’ll never know what he was trying to say because he never did it again and shortly after went to live on a farm.

I wonder if he ever met that pig, Wilbur.

They would have gotten along swimmingly.

Wrapping Up the Week - January 8, 2012

2012-01-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to everyone!

This is my first 'Wrapping up the Week' of 2012 so, you know, woo.

Carry on.

*************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

Reading this will just make you all the more confused on how am I actually still employed.

My spoof on "The Family Circus" comic strip continues.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

This is one of my favorite posts about two boys, a cousin's wooden sled, and a forest OF DOOM.

The horror that happens when little boys pee.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

How often do YOU think about sex? Whatever it is, I bet I've got it beat.

How to properly sell Girl Scout Cookies in the workplace.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

We ran out of ketchup.

Bigger news than you think.

Dyslexia meets Skeeball.

Further evidence that, really, I probably should have seen that divorce coming.

*********************
Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

How to deal with those Presidential Election cold calls.

You think I'M good at sexual harassment? Well..that's because I learned from the best.

*********************

Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

This isn't a funny post but if you religiously follow and love The Bloggess as much as I do and you missed this post, it's a must-read.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

***********************

Family Circus - No 'Cease and Desist' Yet!

2012-01-05T09:00:00.004-05:00

Bite me, Billy.

AGAIN.

Since the first and second installments proved to be so popular, I've decided to give it another go.

As I was perusing through the Sunday Funnies as I normally do, it dawned on me that "Family Circus" is one of the absolute worst comic strips of all time.

Why I'm the last to realize this, I have no clue.

Regardless, I decided to take some of the Family Circus cartoons and update them with my brand of humor.

Enjoy.

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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Original:

Updated:

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There.

That's better.

They're not gonna teach you this stuff in the art colleges, kids.

I suppose the next time you'll hear from me, it will be from jail due to Copyright infringement or some shit.

Fuck it. Totally worth it.

Take that, Billy!

Moog out.

They love me here at work.

2012-01-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

This is how popular I am here at work with our software developers.

Got this IM the other day from Andre - one of our developers - asking me for a database I was working on that he needed.

Feel the love?

Yeah. I do.

But I mainly feel my own love..since I'm kind of a jerkoff.

Let's hope the Mayans were idiots

2011-12-30T09:14:00.006-05:00

I thought I had a post up today but I guess I didn't so I'm writing this at 9:15 am on December 30th and, well, ta-da!

*insert trumpet sounds here

Since I don't have really much to write about except the upcoming New Year I'll just post this picture of a cartoon spin-off idea I had about shape-shifting robots confused about their sexuality.

Transgenderformers:

I don't know where this shit comes from, either.

Regardless, here's to wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year and that we all don't die in 2012 but that, in the case we do, human kind isn't represented solely by John Cusack.

See you all next year. And thanks for reading!

Moog out.

..and yet, somehow, I keep getting friend requests.

2011-12-28T09:00:00.001-05:00

After the success of my "Using the Term 'Facebook Friends' rather loosely," and then the second installment, I now give you a third entry into what is becoming one of my more popular series here on this blog.

Plus. It's easy to do and I'm wicked lazy.

So this is what you're missing if you're not my friend on Facebook.

**************

Shit like this is primarily why I don't get anything done at work.

I like it better this way, actually.

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Find me on Facebook here.

Find me on Twitter here.

Find me in the ceiling tiles of random women's restrooms here.

Frosty the Recovering Alcoholic

2011-12-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

In keeping with my Christmas theme this week, I present to you a picture of a couple of decorative snowmen I saw in my neighborhood this week.

Man.

The snowmen in my neighborhood sure know how to party.

Rappy Rolidays

2011-12-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Well..I'm right the Hell outta here for Christmas vacation but I'd like to stop and talk to YOU, my fine readers, and thank you for coming by and reading my drivel and mental swill and..seriously...

Wish you the best of everything this holiday season.

With that, I'm outta here but not before showing you some custom crafted Christmas cards I threw together starring my dog, Jax.

On a related note: I designed this by myself without any help from the art schools in Florida.

Happy whatever you celebrate, everyone...even if you celebrate nothing.

See you next week!

Moog out.

Shelf Elf Kama Sutra

2011-12-21T09:00:00.002-05:00

Each of my kids has a friggin 'Shelf Elf' which is annoying in itself..but...

Well...

This is what happens when I'm forced to take vacation time and I have absolutely not a thing to do for the entire week:

I put the Shelf Elves into positions from the Kama Sutra which is an ancient book of positions that you can get at any sex store.

Not that I'd know that.

Enjoy.

Okay. That elf on the bottom is looking pretty effing happy at this point.

Side note: Most wrapping paper is not washable.

Carry on.

Have a very Merry Christmas.

It certainly looks like these elves are going to.

For all you sick elf-positioning people like myself, you can find Kama Sutra and similar books and adult toys that may or may not include posable Christmas figurines over at Eden Fantasys.

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This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys.com.

Merry Christmas you cheap bastards

2011-12-19T09:00:00.000-05:00

And this is how I wish my coworkers 'Happy Holidays.'

So far? NO DELIVERIES.

Unbelievable.

Wrapping Up the Week - December 18, 2011

2011-12-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

Before I start today:

With Christmas rapidly approaching, know that I have a ton of new products up on my new Mental Poo store located on Zazzle.com including my new mug:

..and shirts like this:

Go buy some stuff. Do your part to make sure my kids have a good Christmas.

*tear rolls down cheek

ONWARD!

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Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

I set a record with last year's "Holiday Letter" and hope to do the same with this year's version.

Spread the word!

Thinking of a knuckle tattoo? I've got some ideas for you.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

Another spam email reply. This one is artsy!

I was thinking about what kind of holiday cards divorced people send out and, well, this is what I came up with.

My RECORD SETTING POST (50k views in 2 DAYS) - The 2010 Moooooog Family Holiday Letter!

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

Two years ago I made one of my most popular and blasphemous videos of all time.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

Proof positive that getting married makes women fat. Just ask Santa.

..and that's the day I realized OMG OMG AM I REALLY THAT BALD?!?!

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo

A heartwarming story about what it's like to get a friggin cortisone shot ouchy ouchy ouch ouch.

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Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

Quite possibly my favorite new blog. I give to you, 'Gweenbrick.'

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

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Thinking of a knuckle tattoo? I have some ideas for you.

2011-12-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

My last post about the PooxPosm knuckle tattoo my witch/tattoo artist/friend posted on her Facebook page got me thinking about knuckle tattoos because, I suppose, if you're gonna think about something when you see a picture of a knuckle tattoo it's probably going to end up being about knuckle tattoos.

Someday, the above will be a famous quote in a book about me but probably not.

Mainly, two questions popped into my head about knuckle tattoos:

1) Why?
2) No, seriously. Why?

Honestly, my first and only tattoo adventure was so hideous that I couldn't imagine getting another tattoo.. let alone get needles jabbed in an area where it's hard and bony and I've already had a vasectomy so, you know, been there done that thankyouverymuch.

But if I DID get a knuckle tattoo...what would I get?

So I came up with some options.

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These just seemed self-explanatory.

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This works on several levels because when you're showing off your knuckle tattoo you never ever put your thumb into the display OR if you actually DON'T have thumbs this is the perfect way to tell someone, "Hey..I'd like to pick up that glass of water for you but, you know.." ** flash tattoo **

Although now that I'm looking at it you could read it as "Not Humbs" which also makes sense unless you are actually named Humbs...but then why get this tattoo? Are you in the witness protection program, Humbs? Because if you're trying to throw people off your trail this is probably the opposite way to do it because now we want to know who you actually are, WHY you're not Humbs, and - more importantly - where IS the guy?

See? People will want to know this shit.

Think, Humbs. Think.

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I like this one because it says you're a do-it-yourself type of person but sometimes you really don't think shit through - like tattooing your own knuckles for instance - before you do it.

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I can't think of any better way to say "GET OUT OF MY WAY" than this catchy knuckle number.

Except, you know, saying 'get out of my way.'

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My personal favorite and do you think that the water Wonder Twin ever just wanted to kill his sister while she slept? Because I'd be, like, wicked bitter about only being able to change into ice cubes and shit and probably change myself into an icicle and just get all stabby with rage one night.

Although I wouldn't be able to actually MOVE because I was just a stupid icepick.

I've obviously thought about this too much. Unlike the guy who did his own knuckle tattoo up there.

Moog out.

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People with design degrees would probably have even more ideas for tattoos.

BUT:

If you want a tattoo done by some wicked talented people and you're in the Massachusetts area, make sure you check out Good Mojo Tattoos and tell them the Midget Man sent ya:

The 2011 Moooooog Family Holiday Letter

2011-12-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

Last year at this time I published what has been, by far, the most popular post EVER on this site.

The Moooooog Family Holiday Letter

Since it was so popular and so much has happened in the past year..

..I decided to do it again.

Please sit back, relax, and enjoy some goddamn holiday misery.

Yep.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Sunday.

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Want more Holiday Letter posts? Then go visit "Tribal Blogs" who is right now doing a blog carnival on the topic!

The stockings were what?!

2011-12-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

A lot of people ask me, "How do you have time to write stuff for your blog when you also have a job?" which, to me, actually should be "How do you keep your job when all you do there is write stuff for your blog?"

It's all in the semantics, people.

So I'm sitting here on a Wednesday morning and with Christmas rapidly approaching, had this in my head for whatever reason so I decided to just draw it up and throw it out there.

See?

Stocking hung. Hung stocking.

Semantics, people. Semantics.

Actually, "Guapo the Elf" kinda has a nice ring to it

2011-12-07T09:00:00.002-05:00

With Christmas rapidly approaching it was time to break out the old "Elf on a Shelf" for the kids.

If you're not familiar with what an "Elf on a Shelf" is, maybe my answer to someone on Facebook asking the same thing will help:

You're welcome.

So my son is convinced that these Elves are truly magical so he looked at me one night and said:

Son: "OH! I have to write my letter to my Shelf Elf!"

Me: "..um...why?"

Son: "So he can answer it."

Me: "He answers it? How does he answer it?"

Son: "IN GLITTER!"

Me: "...."

It's at this point that I can hear my ex-wife laughing at me because it's 8 pm and my son is writing a letter that he expects to be answered IN GLITTER PEN and guess who doesn't have a glitter pen? That's right. *I* don't have a glitter pen because (a) I'm a guy and (b) I forgot to get a new glitter pen when my last one ran out of glitter pen ink when I was bedazzling my cutoff jean shorts.

Regardless, my son wrote out his questions to his Elf and put it near the front door so that his Elf would magically answer them.

And, lo and behold...

he did.

This is about as dainty as my handwriting gets.

I typically end all my sentences with little heart exclamations, though. Adds a personal touch.

My son is reading this laughing and goes, "The Grinch or Braveheart? What is Braveheart?"

Me: "GREAT movie. Really violent, though. I'm surprised Santa lets him watch it."

Then he gets to the BFF question.

Son: "HAHAHAHA. Guapo the Elf?"

Me: "That actually has kind of a nice ring to it."

Then he flips it over and reads the note on the back:

Yes..I was in the home stretch of this thing and somehow screwed up spelling "Merry" and, instead, started writing "Meery" as in "Meery Creestmas."

Which, actually, sounds like something Guapo the Elf would say.

You want to spank my what?

2011-12-05T09:00:00.001-05:00

This post is kind of adult-ish...adultishful...adultery-ish...

There's stuff about sex toys in here.

There.

You've been warned.

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I while ago I wrote about my escapades during a trip to an adult XXX store.

I know. I'm shocked, too.

Because to this day I am still corn-cob-pipeless. Sucks.

Regardless, what I DID get was a set of "Sex Dice" which are basically a set of girl die and boy die (the boy die don't roll properly because their little die penises stick out) that have an 'action' on one die and a 'body part' on the other. The guy rolls the pink and the girl rolls the blue.

So being the bedroom rock star that I am - and by 'rock star' I mean 'guy who just passed out from 3 minutes of cardio' - I tried putting these to use with my girlfriend.

This is when we realized that not ALL of the dice rolls are meant to be paired up together on certain rolls.

Enjoy.

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WHAT?! WHAT?!

Yes. Spank my earlobes.

Because nothing says 'night of passion' like 'exploding your lover's earlobes rendering them deaf.'

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Watch out, honey. If you spend a lot of time blowing on my sphincter, it just might blow back at you.

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Mmmmmm.

Linty.

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Yes. Because nothing gets a woman going like licking the side of her face.

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"Tug on Butt Cheeks." I don't know how to even begin this move unless you have ass hair at which point I'm right the Hell outta here anyway, baby.

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"Pinch Penis." I only do this when I have to pee really really badly.

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I cannot stress enough how much I do not want you to do this.

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"Spank Testicles." Um. At this point, feel free to forfeit your turn.

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Seriously, honey. Just leave the nuts alone at this point.

They've been through enough already.

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FYI: If you don't want to go through the latent embarrassment of browsing 2-foot long plastic penises in person, you can purchase sex dice like these at this sex toy store instead.

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This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys.com.