Mental Poo

Ms Sharon Wilfred wants my Love Shafd

2010-09-06T07:00:00.002-04:00

Give me an "S!"

Give me a "P!"

Give me an "A!"

Give me an "M!"

What's that spell?

Two hours of me screwing off at work.

That's what that spells.

I got the following email the other day:

Hi,
I'm Ms Sharon Wilfred, can we talk,
i will want to get to know you better ,
Contact me with my private e mail address; sh_w231988@hotmail.com
I am an easygoing and understanding lady.
I see friendship as a gift we give to ourselves and i want you to be one of such gifts to me.
Talk to u soon .

Ms Sharon Wilfred.

*******************

Please note that the fact this came from 'LoveShafd' did not escape me.

Cuz..you know...it sounds like 'love shaft.'

I'm 12.

Regardless..seeing as I was at work and really didn't feel like working (typical) and I can't simply just sit here and ignore Ms Sharon Wilfred because - hey - a friend is a friend and worst case I get my bank account wiped out but when it all boils down to it, losing 20 bucks seemed worth the risk.

So I replied.

Of course.

*******************

Hi Ms Sharon Wilfred!

Or..can I just call you Sharon? Are we at that point in this relationship yet? Sharon? Shar? Sharry?

OMG I love the song "Oh Sherrie" by Steve Perry (the guy from Journey with the great voice but unfortunately large nose). But you know what they say about guys with long noses, right?

If you do, please let me know...because I kind of made that up but now I'm curious if there really is a saying.

So..you want to be friends? Like pen pals? Or like a pet rock?

FYI - speaking of pet rocks, I have one googly eye. Always keep 'em guessing, that's what I always say. Am I looking at you? At a star? Passing vehicle? YOU NEVER KNOW WITH ME AND MY GOOGLY EYE!!

I be crazy.

I hope you like crazy. Cuz you just bought yourself a great big bucket of it, Shar. I'm crazy. I'm crazy for YOU. I know we've only known each other for, like, 5 paragraphs but I feel a connection to you that I haven't felt for a woman named Sharon Wilfred in a very long time.

I hope you feel the same.

I just touched my crotch.

I'm looking forward to our friendship gifts. What are they? Are they rings? Juggling balls? HAHAHA. I said 'balls.' Does that turn you on? It turns me on. Not the balls thing, the juggling thing. Jugglers are hot.

Trust me. I know. I'm one of them.

I just winked at you but you wouldn't know it because of my googly eye.

Can't wait to have a sleepover. We can make popcorn and wear feety jammies. I'm so excited Shar. I'm so excited my nose just got HUGE.

Steve Perry gets that joke.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Yours in Christ,

midgetmanofsteel

**********************

Then I sent it.

Duh.

Then SHE REPLIED BACK.

WITH HER PHOTO.

Stay tuned for THAT, though...this post is long enough as it is.

That's what Ms Sharon Wilfred says...

..about my love shafd.

Mr. Sharon Wilfred out.

Wrapping Up the Week - September 5, 2010

2010-09-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

Before I start..

..it's time for my monthly feature for the promotional modeling company I stalk...er..um..volunteer for (??):

The Whiskey Girls

Also...the Whiskey Girls are going to be having their very own 2011 Calendar!

If you're interested in helping out the Whiskey Girls who pretty much all volunteer their time for worthy causes, you can order them here.

Visit www.whiskeygirls.net for more information or click the graphic below.

Introducing - Whiskey Girl of the Month

Samantha

* blink

ONWARD!!

*******************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

What do Jaws, BP Oil and Ted Kennedy all have in common?

This hat.

The shower in my house is full of people. Balloon people.

You'd be freaked out, too. Trust me.

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

My wife (now, ex-wife) makes her Mental Poo debut in the form of my daughter's artistic talent.

Or, lack thereof, really.

The one where I take my son to Chuck E. Cheese and he insults people.

I love him SO MUCH.

Bill gets me wet. Then he tries to kill me and my children.

I hate Bill.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I turned 40. God that SUCKED.

This is why you NEVER EVER EVER take your kids into a Verizon store and let them play with the phones!!!

However, this also qualifies as best. practical joke. ever.

I take a Sexual Harassment quiz at work.

You can imagine how that ended up, I'm sure.

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

Hollywood is Where Hot Comes to Die...and, apparently, so do kittens in your engine if you think that's what the pinging sound is.

Sure, Iranians hate cheerleaders but the best part about this is that I got to rewatch the "Team America" theme song video over and over again about 400 times.

FYI..if you hate the term, 'Fuck Yeah,' then the video in that latter link is probably not for you.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

Twix or Tweets - Teenage Gandhi Edition

2010-09-03T07:00:00.002-04:00

And the mystery of "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!" continues.

Let me explain.

The latest rage for asshole lazy bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their own Twitter Tweets as blog posts.

I am now stooping to this level.

Actually, I'm 5'-2" tall.

No stooping required. Already there.

Sucks.

Below are some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

Click here for Volume One, Volume Two and Volume Three.

HOWEVER..

You may or may not know that I also Tweet under the guise of this name:

Teenage Gandhi

No idea.

Anyway...Sit back...relax...

And enjoy some of Teenage Gandhi's tweets.

*************************

Sexting in India is so much different than in the US. Here it's like, "Oh babe, I'm totally going to hide your appearance."

Random historical fact about me: I can be linked to Kevin Bacon in just 3 steps.

OMG I would totally kill for a cheeseburger right now.

FYI: Never say "Become a global peace activist" when asked what you would do for a Klondike Bar. People hold you to that shit.

I've decided to take karate just in case this non-violence shit doesn't work out.

I like my women like my deity, Avalokiteshvara - all hands and lots of head.

I swear if one more person asks me for a Slushie, I'm going to kill someone.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!! Or, as we call it here in India, "Crippling poverty and despair with a side of WTF IS THAT SMELL Day!"

Just asked my mother where my baseball cap was. Said, "Where's my hat ma?" and then we laughed and laughed.

I just threw in "Jesus is my copilot" during the middle of a speech. Should have seen the look on everyone's face. Priceless.

I'm declaring today 'opposite day' so I think I'm going to preach guerrilla tactics and extreme violence while wearing heels.

The worst part about wearing this dohti is that you really have to keep on top of your manscaping.

Sorry, homeless guy, I do NOT have any change. Do you see pockets in this friggin thing? Jesus.

In my defense, a girl who says "I want hard candy" sounds just like "I want hard Gandhi" when you factor in the Indian dialect

I just became Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in Foursquare! Oh...the sweet, sweet irony.

I think all these people misunderstood me when I said, "All I want is piece."

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say it: I hate curry.

SO excited to go cow tipping tonight.

Not sure how this will all pan out, but if I end up on a slab being tortured like Braveheart, you bet your ass I'm singing like a canary.

I just hassled the Hoff.

I just called tech support for my laptop and my home phone rang.

Ugh. Being forced to change my password again. I'm starting to run out of ways to spell "C0ckRing"

I've had a lot more free time since I got the "Preaching Pacifism" app for my iPhone

I do not condone violence but will let it slide when you must fight for your right to party.

Looking for a woman named "Ladesh" so when I tell mom I'm going to "Bangladesh" I won't be lying.

As a Buddhist and activist, I am sworn to retain impartiality and preserve peace. But between you and me, I'm totally team Jacob.

You know it was a good night when you wake up with three Tibetan sherpas in your bed and no idea how they got there.

Great. Ketchup stain.

As a Buddhist, I'm supposed to achieve peace without indulging in earthly possessions. If that means giving up my XBox, I'm OUT.

I'm amazed my followers haven't figured out that all my sermons are really just Pearl Jam songs.

People ask why I have such a good sense of humor. I got married at 13. You either laugh about this shit or cry yourself to sleep

*************************

You can follow Teenage Gandhi by clicking here.

If you want to find me (moooooog35) in Twitter or Facebook, click here.

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/moooooog35 or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You've been warned.

Tweet.

The Inflatable Disturbances

2010-09-01T07:00:00.002-04:00

When you have kids, some shit just shouldn't surprise you.

Like finding Barbie dolls naked and spread eagle on your bathroom counters (SCORE!) or finding out that the dog just ate three small socks and a Polly Pocket or finding yourself saying something like, "Honey..if you're going to play with your feet make sure you wash your hands before supper."

I thank God every day that I got myself that vasectomy.

But some shit they do still scares me.

Like when I walked into the bathroom to take a piss, turned my head to the left and saw THIS peering out from the shower curtain:

What. Thefuck.

So after I screamed and peed on the wall a little and then kind of looked at it and liked the design I made so I peed on it a little more and made this entire urinary adventure into some disturbing yet germy Rorschach experiment and now I'm glad I bought latex paint for in here because it's SO much easier to get Rorschach pee stains off the wall I decided to go grab a kitchen knife and take a look around the house for other creepy balloons.

This was not as difficult as it sounds.

Because, apparently, my kids are going to be serial killers.

The first ones I came across (not literally) were these TWO that my daughter drew...

Please note that these were REMOVED FROM THE SAME SHOWER (wtf):

Awesome.

So, for those of you keeping score at home, that's THREE BALLOONS that I found IN THE SHOWER with faces drawn on them.

It's like normalcy knocked on my door and then left in a hurry when we answered it holding butcher knives screaming, "COME ON IN, WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKE CHILI!!"

Anyway, after I take the above photos, I literally TURN AROUND and on the toy shelf behind me is this inflated Picasso:

Okay..that's a little more normal of a face and..

..um..

..what's on the back of it..?

I spin the balloon around and see this:

*pees on wall

Nice.

Apparently my son can only draw creepy evil grinning balloons that would freak out Freddy Krueger and may or may not be a bit of foreshadowing into his future as the next 'master of horror' or 'creepy man driving around the neighborhood in a blacked-out van.'

So. Proud.

This is shit I used to find lying around my house on a regular basis and which also explains the strong scent of urine from my jeans. I just wish they'd just stick to the naked spread-eagle Barbie dolls lying around on the counters instead.

FYI..even with a vasectomy, you can still ejaculate.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Cue the "Jaws" Music

2010-08-30T07:00:00.002-04:00

I got this text from my ex the other day:

"Cam's New Goggles."

I open the picture to find this:

So I'm guessing when he swims around with that thing on it looks like this:

That's SO COOL unless it happens in that scene from "Jaws" where the kids have the cardboard fin and they pop out of the water and there are, like, 20 boats around them and all these rifles are pointed at them and let's all thank Christ here that Dick Cheney wasn't on one of those boats because we'd be looking at two dead kids clutching a cardboard fin and one Hell of a lawsuit from the Actor's Guild.

That's right.

Dick Cheney could have been the downfall of Stephen Spielberg.

You heard it here first, people.

Where was I?

Oh.

GOGGLES.

So now I'm all thinking what ELSE could we put on the top of these goggles?!?

Some thoughts:

..because nothing says 'funny' like a drowning.

Or this:

This is on or around the time I get angry emails from the people washing ducks.

Or..for the retro crowd:

That last set of goggles also comes with accessories!!

Hm.

Maybe we'll just stick with the shark ones.

Those are cool, too.

Wrapping Up the Week - August 29, 2010

2010-08-29T06:00:00.001-04:00

Before I start...

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!

If I have not received your gift yet you have until 8 pm this evening to get it to me AND IT BETTER BE GOOD OR SO HELP ME I WILL (insert some threatening action here that is SO FRIGHTENING that you rush right out and buy me something).

I'm 42 today.

I'm hoping what you're sending me is a noose.

Thanks in advance.

ALSO:

Workforced is re-running the interview I did with him a while ago.

Go read it because it includes juggling and Kermit and obviously it's not your everyday interview.

Plus..the guy is really really funny so keep reading.

ONWARD!!

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

This is the kind of crap I run into when I walk into my daughter's room and she is equipped with a whiteboard.

We learn so much.

MY BLOG CAN HAZ INFORMATION!

Then we forget all we've learned.

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I get scheduled for a stress test and it freaks me the eff out.

So..that didn't help.

I rerun a story about wanting to be a mogul in the porn industry.

Best. Life. EVER.

The perils of riding a motorcycle may cause cancer and/or blindness.

Thank you, everyone. It's your fault.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

New Hampshire Boring.

It's not just a motto..it's a company.

I get a new exhaust for my Harley and it's primarily made of tinfoil.

Was still pretty damn awesome, though.

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

"Emails from an asshole" does it again with a reply to someone about helping rescue kittens.

This guy is my SOULMATE.

Got animals living in your hair? Apparently so do the people that Lbluca works with.

Also..hey..who doesn't?

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

My Blog Can Haz Information

2010-08-26T07:00:00.001-04:00

God, I love effing with people.

Especially when I don't have to pay for it.

Got this email from BlogCatalog:

(click to enlarge all images)

Melinda has posted a new message to your shoutbox:

Hi, added you as a friend and visited your blog. It is full of information, looks really nice.

Yes.

Because when most people think 'information' they think 'Mental Poo.'

So I replied:

Moooooog35 said:

Hi Minda83! Thank you for adding me as a friend! Do we have sex now? haha. kidding (not) I'm VERY glad you like all my blog's information! Which topic do you like best? I'm partial to the ones where I discuss vaginas and penises (hint). What about you?

No reply.

YET.

Then there was this one:

Emarketinguide says:

Hi, Promote your online business with free web marketing tips. I've added you as friend, hope you do the same. Let's connect. Cheers!

My reply:

Moooooog35 said:

Hi emarketinguide! You have a weird name. Is that Polish? I can't wait to promote my business with you! Do u have the same laws on underage prostitution in Poland as we do? Not that that's my business (wink), just a question. Arrividerci!

Take 3:

andyroo312 said:

Hey there, I'm a political reporter and I've just re-launched my blog, Politics by Beast. I've been cited by both the New York Observer and the Huffington Post. Follow me, both on my blog and on Twitter. http://twitter.com/polibeast http://polibeast.blogspot.com/

Here asshole..follow THIS:

Moooooog35 said:

Oooh. That sounds exciting!! I've been cited, as well. Mainly by my local authorities for shit like public drunkenness and lewd behavior. I wish they'd post crap about public masturbation. It's like we have to read cops' minds or something.

No one ever ever writes me back.

The Hell.

The last one:

zaheerseo said:

Hi friend i have added u in my frnd list, hope u do same plz follow my blog also http://www.mohdzaheerulhasan.blogspot.com Thanks dear..

NOW we're talking.

So I click on the blog link to see whaddup wif da lady and I see THIS SHIT:

You bastard.

Moooooog35 said:

Dude. I checked out your site because I'm like, 'WHOA - hot broad' and it turns out you're an INDIAN GUY who may or may not have helped me fix my laptop last week. Plus you called me 'dear.' I hope your country slips into the ocean.

Weird.

I haven't had any new BlogCatalog friend requests lately.

It's a shame, really. I was starting to like it.

Moog out.

Blind Chicks and Diabetics

2010-08-23T07:00:00.002-04:00

Parenting.

Sometimes it comes naturally.

But sometimes, you're just wicked rich and you pay other people named "Juanita" or "Consuela" to raise your children in a bilingual society so you don't have to bother to learn another language.

I SO hope that I get the latter someday.

At least the 'rich' part.

Then if there aren't any illegal immigrants left (McCain 2012!) I'll be at least able to buy a cool enclosure and maybe some robots to take care of the little shits.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. My daughter's drawing talent.

Obviously.

My daughter has a whiteboard in her bedroom.

Every day there's something new on it.

Sadly, this is how we learn some of what she actually DOES during the course of a day.

For example...

THIS is how we learned that she had a hidden stash of Pixie Sticks in her desk drawer and - every night - would eat, like, TWO WHOLE PIXIE STICKS right before she went to bed:

This is also one of the times that I realized that I'm not that observant when I come downstairs 16 times every night wondering why she's having nightmares and she smells like bubblegum.

Then there's this time where I realized that my daughter can just totally friggin' crack me up:

"Mary Ignalls.

She is blind."

*blink

So I see this and am like 'AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!' dying laughing and she's like, 'What?' and I'm all 'OMG that is friggin HILARIOUS' and she goes, 'It's Mary Ingalls' (not Ignalls...NO SUPPER FOR YOU TOMORROW BECAUSE OF TYPOS!) who is apparently some real blind chick that was an actual character on Little House on the Prairie and great now I'm thinking of how hot Melissa Gilbert was and now I need to get out of here before my daughter sees daddy get a chubby.

Wow.

I just reread that paragraph and even I think it's a bit off.

I should probably lay off the Pixie Sticks for a while.

That's what Mary Ingalls said.

She is blind.

Wrapping up the Week - August 22, 2010

2010-08-22T07:00:00.000-04:00

Before I start...please check out the comments on THIS POST that I wrote this week about the book, "Follow the Money" where the author promises to cast ME in his next book and gives YOU the options on what my character will be!!

Please cast your vote in the comments section!

ONWARD!

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

I wake up one morning on the sofa bed and find two of my kids' toys in an apparent brouhaha.

OMG I SPELLED 'BROUHAHA' RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY!

Small things excite me.

*looks at penis

I read a book of short stories written by one of my friends and then tell you about it and all you get is the review and a picture of me without my shirt on.

You're welcome.

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I'm the subject of my daughter's drawing!!

Where I'm on a toilet.

That's flying.

Awesome.

I rerun the story of the time I got my tattoo and how I ALMOST DIED and by "almost died" I mean "was a giant giant pussy"

My daughter tells us for the first time how she almost burned down the house. While on tour of a fire department.

Huh. I didn't know firemen could laugh that hard.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I get a "Dear Moog" letter where a woman just can't seem to come to terms with the fact that her boyfriend eats her corn the long way.

If you know what I mean.

*wink

The family and I go spelunking and not the good kind.

*wink wink

I think I may have a tic.

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

"Where Hot Comes to Die" shows us why the Internet is stoopid.

Yeah. That looks right.

"Hey lady, nice dress. SHIT ON MY COCK!"

I should have been a ventriloquist.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

The One Where I Actually Read a Book

2010-08-19T07:00:00.008-04:00

I read a book.

This is not typically news unless you're ME where the last actual adult book I read that was non-porno and did not contain pictures of bears or mice or Strega Nona elderly magical pasta-making women or stuffed bears who are borderline retarded and for some reason need pockets (WTF, Corduroy?) was "Into Thin Air" and that was back before I had kids or a bald spot and I just now got the correlation there.

Friggin kids.

Where the fuck was I.

Oh.

I read a book.

I read a book because a friend of mine, Ross Cavins, asked me to.

Because he wrote it.

Ross wrote a book called, "Follow the Money" and he asked me to write a review on it.

So I did.

Ross sends me the book and I open it and MOTHER OF GOD THERE ARE NO PICTURES but there WAS this little gem written inside the cover:

"Rodney,

You may be an adult midget, but you're always big on laughs. You're an inspiration...to twelve-year-olds everywhere."

Hahaha. Funny, Ross.

Your book SUCKS.

Just kidding.

So I started reading "Follow the Money"...

But since I don't particularly care to read I decided that the place where I was most likely to concentrate on such an endeavor was in the bathroom so I put the book on the back of my toilet and within 15 bowel movements and roughly 4 hours later...

VOILA!

..a review is born.

And, honestly, a number of painful hemorrhoids, too.

I've digressed.

Follow the Money

"Follow the Money" is a collection of ten short stories all interconnecting with one simple key ingredient familiar to all of them:

Three million dollars.

Ross does a great job of storytelling with excellent character development.

Honestly, you never really know how each story is going to tie into the others - but he manages to surprise you and pull off an admirable job in bringing each character to life...and, subsequently, each story together.

Considering there were no monkeys or bears or porn, I actually enjoyed reading the book.

Which is saying something since I have the attention span of an OOOOH MY HAMSTER IS AWAKE!! Who's a good girl? Are you a good girl?

She's so cute.

*cricket

OH.

The book.

If you enjoy humorous writing, excellent character development, and like the variety of stories that a collection of short verses can give you, I HIGHLY suggest picking it up.

It will be the best four toilet-bound hours of your life.

Unless you're getting a blumpkin.

Then by all means, put the book down.

Nice job, Ross. But you're still not getting away with that twelve-year-old remark.

Eric Estrada is watching you.

Moog out.

*********************

Where you can buy FOLLOW THE MONEY:

Buy it here at Amazon.com

or..

Ross Cavin's very own book site.

Enjoy.

The Silent Coffee Table War

2010-08-16T07:00:00.001-04:00

When my kids stay at my apartment...

(codename: Chez I-can't-believe-I-now-live-in-a-goddamn-apartment)

..they pack with them games and dolls and toys and to be honest with you it's really ruining the 'Swinging Bachelor Pad' vibe of my place even though the cute little hamster in the pink cage with the giant Habitrail set pretty much does that already.

She's so cute!

I wub her! Yes I dooooo!

*ahem

So, the other morning I wake up on the sleeper sofa because the kids take my bed when they come over because all I could afford was a one-bedroom apartment (thank you, outrageous child support payments!) and look over wearily at my coffee table and see this:

O.

K.

???

So my kids had somehow set these things up so that they look like they just got into some kind of weird doll/toy argument and why would anyone want a stuffed animal thingy that looks so goddamn PISSED OFF?

So it got me thinking about what they might have been arguing about.

Of course.

Who knew my trailer-trash discounted coffee table could be such a hotbed of tension?

Probably my little hamster.

She's so cute and smart and..

I'll stop now.

Wrapping up the Week - August 15, 2010

2010-08-15T06:00:00.001-04:00

Before I start..

..it's time for my monthly feature for the promotional modeling company I stalk...er..um..volunteer for (??):

The Whiskey Girls

Introducing - Whiskey Girl of the Month

Heather

* blink

ONWARD!!

*******************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

I get a wayward email asking if I sell Dish Dollies and even though I don't have a friggin clue what this is I tell him, 'sure.'

Also..there's a cool picture of a rocket!

win-win.

In the world of "Do it Yourself," I should probably just stick to masturbating.

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

When FaceBook needs a paper bag.

..and the saga of Lisa Loomis begins.

D-Harmony: The story of how we got our new dog, Sophie..and how most people barely escaped my house with their very lives just before that.

It's an "F-U Friday" and this time I take on the world of lazy assholes.

I exclude myself in this for obvious reasons.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

The process of creating Motivational Posters begins here and goes on for the entire week while I'm on vacation.

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

If you don't read "Hyperbole and a Half," you're seriously missing out on some funny messed up shit.

Speaking from the Crib gives us a taste of old man junk. Not literally. That would be gross.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

Handy Incapable

2010-08-12T07:00:00.001-04:00

From the archives of "This Moooooog's House," comes:

"You know you're not handy when..."

Ladies...

Do you like your men burly and rugged?

Do you like your men self-sufficient and able to take on any task with ease?

Do you like your men with grease on their face, a dirty rag in their back pocket and a power tool in each hand?

Well, then, ladies...

You're in the right place.

Because that guy sounds just like my contractor.

I'll see if I can hook you guys up.

I'll be in the living room playing XBox and eating Doritos.

You see, I've tried being handy.

Let's just call that 'Epic Fail' and continue on with some examples, shall we?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT HANDY WHEN:

1) Ten minutes into replacing a toilet seat, your spouse knocks on the bathroom door and says:

"Hey...do you need help in there?"

* testicles retract

Because it wasn't humiliating enough simply realizing that I've been in here for TEN FUCKING MINUTES trying to remove a goddamn toilet seat, so - sure fragile member of opposite sex - could you please come in here and help me remove these two tiny bolts?

Oh...and could you do it WITHOUT taking pictures of me sweating through my shirt?

You're a dear.

2) Your entire tool kit consists of a power screw driver that may or may not work, three different sizes of 'Robo Grips' that your father in law gave you 12 years ago, and some speaker wire.

I have a giant Sears tool chest that houses these four items and something else that resembles some type of shiv.

I SHALL BUILD A VILLAGE!!

3) Your idea of 'refinishing the hardwood floors' consists of pouring a half gallon of polyurethane over the floor straight from the can and spreading it around with a Swiffer.

Sanding the floor ahead of time was not an option as I was unable to figure out how to do it using speaker wire and Robo Grips.

4) You are sometimes covered in your own feces.

This may also be the sign of a sick, sick fetish.

Don't ask me how I know that.

5) You've paid a contractor to come and tighten your faucet.

I'm not proud.

I probably could have done that if I'd figured out how to use the damn Robo Grips.

I'd go try to find the instructions, but this XBox isn't going to play itself.

Moog out.

My Job Moonlighting as "Dish Dolly R Us, Inc"

2010-08-09T07:00:00.000-04:00

I got this email the other day at my Yahoo account:

*******************

I am Mr. James Brown and i am contacting you to know if you do have Dish dolly for sale? I will like you to email me back if you do with the types and prices of the Dish dolly you have,Also do you accept credit cards as form of payment? am looking forward for your mail.Thank you very much.

My Regards..
Mr. James Brown
*********************

I have no idea what a 'dish dolly' is so I Google it thinking this is some weird scam thing but this is what comes up:

Oh.

So...

I emailed him back:

**************************

James,

I totally have a Dish Dolly. In fact, I have a rather large selection of Dish Dolly's to choose from.

Are you looking for the standard or deluxe Dish Dolly model? Prices range from $300 for a low-level Dish Dolly to $57,000 for the creme-de-la-creme of all Dish Dolly's, "The Liberace."

Let me know.

William Schumaker
Dish Dolly R Us, Inc.
**************************

I figured that was the end of it.

Nope.

**************************

Thanks for the mail.I will want you to mail me with the cost for the standard once you have so that i can place my order.Do you accept credit card payment? Read from you soon.

**************************

Yay.

My reply:

**************************
James,

Just so you know what you're getting, I'm attaching some brochures for the Dish Dolly's we currently carry.

Our middle-of-the-line model, "The Pope Benedict XVI" (we had some technical problems with the XV model) is having some issues getting into the country from Iran due to a higher than normal Uranium content (wtf, Iran), but as soon as we are released from litigation by Homeland Security I will be able to show you that model as well.

Being a new company (two days and counting!), our brochures are still at the printers so instead I'm attaching some of the original sketches of the Standard and Liberace models and I think you'll see, without a doubt, that you'd be better served with the Liberace Model and all it's features.

I'm also attaching a picture of a rocket my son drew.

To answer your question, yes - I can accept credit card payment. But only if you use your credit card to get a cash advance and then mail me the money in an unmarked, plain manila envelope.

Cordially your servant,

William Schumaker
Dish Dolly R Us, Inc.

**************************

I haven't heard from James Brown since.

This makes me sad because our "Pope Benedict XVI" model just cleared customs.

Figures.

Wrapping up the Week - August 8, 2010

2010-08-08T06:00:00.001-04:00

Before I start I need to announce the winners of the Kathy Griffin Hard Rock Cafe giveway contest I had last week:

The two winners were chosen using a random number generator and then picking the corresponding comment on the post.

Congratulations go to:

Miss Yvonne (from Yo Mama's Blog)

and..

BonDon (from the blog "Who Throws a Cupcake?")

Thanks to all who entered!

ONWARD!!

****************
Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

I give you a tour of my NEW BACHELOR PAD!!

Or..as one commenter put it, my "Barbie Dream House."

Awesome.

Pubes on the seat..pubes on the seat..I'm grossed out by pubes on the seat.

(sing to the tune of "Pants on the Ground")

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I get a prostate exam. The title of the post is "The Squishy Ride Home."

I feel that's self explanatory.

I go on vacation and end up being interviewed by Chris Hansen because he thinks I'm a pedophile.

Not really.

But it could have happened.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I get a "Dear Moog" letter and all I can think about is bumsex.

Like I needed a letter for that.

Looks like I get ANOTHER "Dear Moog" letter and this one is completely about ball sucking.

I don't write 'em, people.

I just answer them.

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

If you don't watch "East Bound and Down," this will make you a believer.

Barstool Sports' take on the "dog eating his owner's toe" story.

God I love that site.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

Twix or Tweets - WTF Edition

2010-08-06T07:00:00.001-04:00

And the mystery of "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!" continues.

Let me explain.

The latest rage for asshole lazy bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their own Twitter Tweets as blog posts.

I am now stooping to this level.

Actually, I'm 5'-2" tall.

No stooping required. Already there.

Sucks.

Below are some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

Click here for Volume One, Volume Two and Volume Three.

There's a skew on this one, though:

These Tweets are all ones that I look at myself and go:

The Hell?

Enjoy.

*************************

I feel bad for Asians who order "The Clapper." Sure they can turn their lights on and off, but their houses must be disgusting.

I'm feeling randy today. He's really starting to get annoyed.

I wonder if Nazis were allowed to have half-and-half in their coffee.

Be considerate. Remember, for people with goiters, every day is "Hump Day."

I want to work for the marketing department of Aer Lingus just so I can work the word "Cunning" into an ad.

Citrus is supposed to have great cleaning powers, but rubbing this Orange Chicken around just seems to make more of a mess.

I can't even imagine how crowded Walmart would be if NASCAR wasn't invented.

You know you've matured when you're playing with your kid's hamster and it doesn't even cross your mind to shove it in your ass.

Told my kids that thunder is God bowling. And rain is what happens when angels cry because God can be a dick when he drinks.

A communist stole my seat once so I squirted Visine on him. It got the Red out.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and maybe some money for hookers

Saw a Tootsie Roll in the store and broke down crying. Gary Coleman, you left us too soon.

FYI, if I'm following you on Twitter please note that "Twitter" is the name of my moped and you're driving way too fast.

I thought I had an epiphany until I realized 'epiphany' didn't mean 'ass zit.'

I had the best sex dream last night. This morning, my dog won't come near me. I'm praying this is a coincidence.

I really wish people would stop preaching about gun control and just PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG LIKE I ASKED.

"Charlie Sheen going to Jail." Looks like "2-1/2 Men" is the answer to: "How many prisoners can fit in Charlie Sheen's asshole?"

"Violent video games touted as learning tool." Hear that son? Now stop questioning me and beat the shit out of that hooker.

You know it's going to be one of those days when you wake up naked and covered in feces.

Never order baby back ribs from a restaurant attached to an orphanage.

I want to live in a world where "WFH" means less "Working from Home" and more "Wrestling Fifteen Hermaphrodites."

There comes a time in every man's life when he must decide whether or not to release the woman in his crawlspace.

Spam: "Grow your penis as long as the Great Wall of China." I don't know. Seems kind of unmanageable. Plus, all the tourists.

*************************

If you're linked to me on Facebook, you may have seen these as well.

If you want to find me in either place, click here.

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/moooooog35 or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You've been warned.

Tweet.

The Ball Shedder

2010-08-04T07:00:00.003-04:00

Dear Dickwad,

No, I do not know your name.

Nor do I know who you are.

But I know WHAT you are.

You're an asshat.

Why do I know this?

Because every time I go into the men's room to launch my little brown canoes, I can tell when you've been there.

How?

Three words:

Ball. Hair. EVERYWHERE.

Mother of Christ.

It's like four hundred little Magic Pube Fairies came in overnight and sprinkled short curlies all over the toilet and toilet seat.

*** SIDEBAR ***

Magic Pube Fairies: Fact or Fiction?

Discuss.

*** END SIDEBAR ***

Dude.

I have to poo.

I do NOT have the time to sit there and try to blow them off the seat...

...or wipe at them with a little fragment of toilet paper...

...hoping...NO, NO...PRAYING TO GOD that they're not of the 'wet' variety.

As this will require physically wiping them off.

And, no...

...I'm NOT going to just leave them there and sit down.

If I wanted to know what it felt like to sit on your pubes, I'd call your mother.

Do you not know this is happening?

Based on the sheer amount of curlies that are sitting here, I would imagine that your penis - right now - looks like Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree...

...all mange-looking and shit.

(For my Jewish readers, replace 'Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree' with 'Dreidel' or 'Minotorah' and you should be all set with the above analogy. You're welcome.)

I have found this hard to believe, but you're actually WORSE than that other guy.

You know the other guy.

The guy who USES HIS ELECTRIC RAZOR WHILE STANDING OVER THE TOILET without putting the seat up.

Awesome.

Looky what we got here!

Little tiny whiskers all over the goddamn seat.

Asshole.

Dude, if I wanted to know what it was like to sit on your face, I'd call pube-guy's mother.

She's a dirty, dirty mommy.

(mom...call me)

So, instead of a toilet seat covered in little whiskers (not the cat food)...

...I get a toilet that looks like Epstein from 'Welcome Back Kotter' is resting his head on it.

In closing, you prick, check for your nut hair before exiting the shitter.

Or shave your balls.

Either works for me, but with the latter, I have less work to do.

Until I start pooping.

Then I'm nothin' but business, baby.

Thanks in advance.

Signed,

Epstein's Mother

**********************
Also...

DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY HARD ROCK CAFE giveaway contest that features pictures of Kathy Griffin in a bikini!

Two winners will be picked Friday and all you have to do is comment.

You're welcome.

Hamster Pink is the New Hamster Black

2010-08-02T07:00:00.004-04:00

When my wife and I decided to divorce, the first thing on my agenda after purchasing condoms was to find another place to live.

After being reminded several times about the restraining order (MARK MY WORDS...one day I WILL HAVE YOU, Jessica Alba!) I settled on an apartment complex in my town about 4 minutes away from the house.

I was happy about '4 minutes' because I could sell that to the kids as, "See kids? It only takes FOUR MINUTES to get to daddy's which is HALF THE TIME IT TAKES PAYTON TO SHOWER" which is the truth since it takes my daughter 8 minutes (she has a TIMER) to shower even though she's only 9 years old SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE FOR EIGHT MINUTES?! but you know what?...you know what?

I DON'T CARE. I get heat and hot water included in my rent.

HAHAHAHA.

Suckers.

The problem was that there was only a one-bedroom available...and I couldn't look at it until THE DAY BEFORE I WAS TO MOVE IN so I only had the model apartment to go by which was being shown to me by a very lovely woman and by 'very lovely' I mean 'looks like deep facial crevaces are taking their time with this one to make sure they get it right' with the accompanying 'Twelve Packs of Marlboro's a day takes it's toll on the larynx' sexy chemotherapy voice.

Me: "Well..does it look like this one?"

Lady: (coughs up lung)

Me: "I'LL TAKE IT!"

So the day I see the apartment I meet up with Hacky McHackerson who - bless her emphysema - now has to sit through a half hour of bitching from a man moving from a 3500 s.f. 4-bedroom house with a pool and a dog and OH THE LUXURY his own washer and dryer into this:

Ooh.

Fancy.

The king size bed and queen sleeper sofa and fourteen other pieces of furniture I just bought should fit just fine in here if I can just knock these other three walls down and build a house instead.

Awesome.

So Karl Malden is showing me around and I'm starting to feel bad for that poor poor bitch because she's like, "OOH! And here is..A CLOSET!" like I'm just back from my POW stint in Vietnam and I'd love ANYTHING if it wasn't made out of mud and bamboo but instead I'm all, like, "Well this sucks. This won't fit. Is this beam sturdy enough to hold a noose carrying 150 pounds?"

Just when I think it can't possibly be any worse...

I get to the bathroom.

Does anyone know if there is still a waiting period for firearms?

So, armed with my undersize apartment and bathroom that has allowed me to get completely in touch with my feminine side (YAY VAGINAS!) I furnished the place the best I could which included going through TWO sofas because the first sofa I had delivered would not fit in the hallway.

Not the DOOR of the apartment, mind you.

THE HALLWAY OF THE BUILDING.

It's then that my ex-wife drops this bombshell on me:

Ex: "You're taking Izzy."

Izzy.

Who's Izzy?

Meet Izzy, people:

Yes. I got my daughter's hamster because my ex-wife has no idea how to clean said hamster cage.

OH.

Speaking of the hamster cage...

GUESS WHAT FUCKING COLOR IT IS.

Yes.

It's pink.

Because nothing says, "Bachelor Pad" better than a decked-out living room capped off by a two-inch rodent living in a hot pink condominium.

Yeah.

I'm a little jealous of her.

Her sofa fit in the hallway without any problems at all.

**********************

Also:

DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY HARD ROCK CAFE giveaway contest that features pictures of Kathy Griffin in a bikini!

Two winners will be picked Friday and all you have to do is comment.

You're welcome.

Wrapping up the Week - August 1, 2010

2010-08-01T06:00:00.004-04:00

As you read this I am in the middle of a fun-filled weekend with just me and the two kids at Red Jacket Resort in beautiful North Conway, New Hampshire which is a hotel with an indoor water park so if you swing by RIGHT NOW you may or may not get to see me in swim shorts with my spectacular pecs bounding in the sunlight whilst surrounded by small children.

Wow.

I started off good and then just grossed myself out.

ALSO:

Don't forget that I have a GIVEAWAY going on RIGHT NOW where you can win some Hard Rock Cafe stuff (!!!) and all you have to do is read the damn post which includes pictures of Kathy Griffin in a bikini (zoinks!) and write a comment on the post.

ONWARD!!

****************
Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

A post that has children, and bathrooms, and good manners and humor.

I can't really explain it better than that.

I WON!! I WON A BUNCH OF GBP'S!!!!!!!

No idea, either, really.

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

Debating the term 'duty free' sometimes leads to discussing poop.

At least, with me it does.

The married man's guide to trying to sell 'birthday sex.'

This is why I don't write guides.

Weird stuff I saw while on vacation...including rehabilitated gaylords.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

Seattle could also be called Hoboattle.

That's seriously the best I could come up with on short notice.

What more could a woman want than her name up in lights in a strange ballpark?

Yeah. I don't know, either.

It's only racist if you're Asian.

Or..you know...you hate racism or stuff.

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

Camp Ramsbottom? I hardly knew him!

I, too, see an anaconda every time I shower.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

Kathy Griffin NEEDS OUR HELP!!

2010-07-30T07:00:00.002-04:00

NOTE:

This is a blatant advertisement for that hot bitch, Kathy Griffin who - even though I'm totally not into redheads because I've only ever slept with one and she was my friend's girlfriend in college when he was out sick with mononucleosis (me = awesome friend), I get a free shirt or something for doing this.

ALSO:

Please stay tuned to the end of this post because I'm having only my SECOND CONTEST/GIVEAWAY IN THREE YEARS and, honestly, the shit I'm giving away in this one is better that the shit I was giving away before.

You're welcome.

*************************
I got an email the other day:

To: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com
Subject: Kathy Griffin upcoming performance

Hello,

Hope all is well. My name is Mike and I'm a consultant working with
Seminole Hard Rock Hollywood Hotel & Casino.

I loved the site, your "prophetic tea bag incident" article was hilarious.

(Editor's note: BROWN NOSING WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE. Nice call, dude.)

I'm reaching out to you today to talk about comedian Kathy Griffin coming to their property to put on a show.

She will be performing on Wednesday, August 11 at 8 p.m. Tickets range from $46 - $76 and are available at the casino or at:

http://www.ticketmaster.com/

I have also included a link directly to the event if you need further info.

If you are interested in posting I actually have some really cool giveaway items you can use on your site for your viewers. I have Hard Rock Hollywood branded t-shirts and watches that you can use.

Any help you can provide in generating some awareness of this would be huge!

- Mike

*****************

Gee.

Free advertising for some millionaire (?) woman on my blog which has garnered me upwards of $7 in Cafepress merchandise revenue.

Sounds SO enticing.

But, hey, it's not every day that Kathy Griffin comes to you asking for your help/penis...

..so..

My reply:

*****************
Mike,

This sounds great, but what do I get out of this?

I mean, honestly, Kathy Griffin has been riding my coattails forever, and I'd like to get a piece of the pie if you know what I'm saying.

If you know what I'm saying, please let me know because I'm actually unclear myself.

Thanks.

Rodney

*****************

So then I figured that was it but then Mike told me I could get a watch or shirt or something out of it (yay!) so I figured what the Hell.

THE CONTEST/GIVEWAY:

All you have to do is to simply add a comment on this post.

That's it.

I will randomly select TWO WINNERS on Friday, August 6th.

The first randomly picked winner will get their choice of a Hard Rock Cafe Watch or Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt...

...and the second winner gets whatever the first person doesn't want.

I'm pretty sure, Kathy Griffin, that you're excluded from this contest...just in case you were wondering.

Good luck, everyone.

I'll be busy fending off Kathy Griffin's advances.

Again.

Moog out.

Winning GBP is Like the Reverse of Losing PBG

2010-07-28T07:00:00.002-04:00

So I got me some more email the other day:

************************

From: Mercedes Benz
Subject: winner

Awarded 950,000.00 GBP in the Mercedes Benz Promo send details:
1.Name........
2.Address.......
3.Tel.......

************************

Hm.

I don't recall going to a Mercedes dealership and entering a contest EVER because I'm still a little pissed at the Germans about the whole Holocaust thing.

But I'm not pissed because I'm Jewish or sympathetic to Israel or have human emotion but more because my father was obsessed with history when I was growing up so instead of going to Six Flags or some other fun place for vacations we ended up going to Washington DC or Gettysburg or other historic places and having an event like the Holocaust just gave him even more shit to bore me to death with so THANK YOU VERY MUCH MR. HITLER for making my childhood even more boring.

Of course...I'm always excited about winning shit even if I don't know what it is and that it's PROBABLY not real but I should be receiving money any day now from that nice dead lady Claire Page.

So I replied to the friendly (read: MURDERERS) people at Mercedes:

************************

From: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com
To: jerry.smith2010@9.cn
Subject: Spam: Re: winner

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

I'm so excited!!

What's a GBP?

Is it like a PBG but backwards?! Because that would make sense to me.

But, then again, Pam Anderson and Kid Rock made sense to me and we all know how that shit turned out.

Can I get an analogy high five? I think I can!

Regardless, as 'winner' I shall give you my details post haste as soon as I Google 'post haste' and someone tells me what the Hell a GBP is!

I would Google 'GBP' too but I fear it may be a huge waste of my time and resources based on the fact that I'm pretty much writing this to you while I'm working and they're watching me.

Always watching.

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

Ha! You're so cute when you get scared. I would pinch your cheeks but I know how much you Mercedes people hate that shit so I'll just pinch your butler's cheeks instead.

Crazy rich Mercedes people and your butlers.

Is your butler named 'Rodney?' because most are and - COINKIDINK! - my name is 'Rodney' too! Therefore I shall pinch my own cheeks and we shall laugh and drink mimosas while sitting on our butlers!! I may even GET MY OWN BUTLER NAMED RODNEY and just call him "ME" and sometimes we'll dress up as each other and confuse the world like in "Trading Places."

Oh..I guess you now you know my first name.

I suppose that's one question answered.

You're welcome.

So..what's a BGP?

Is it a leg-lamp? It's a leg-lamp, isn't it.

DON'T TELL ME I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE!

Signed,

Winner of something GBP-ish that may or may not be a leg lamp.

************************

They did not get back to me.

Fuckers.

Then I decided to Google it anyway because I can't possibly work ANY LESS.

Man.

I'm guessing it's the British pound shit and not the gun buyback program or the Packers which is actually kind of okay because cheese-heads are not a good look on me.

Or anyone.

But I was really pulling for the leg lamp.

I guess I'll just buy one with the money from Claire Page.

Moog out.

Cracker Barrel and the Explosive Diarrhea

2010-07-26T07:00:00.001-04:00

My son is awesome.

He's also wicked handsome but that's primarily because he looks like me.

I hope he inherits my modesty.

Regardless..

A while ago, the soon-to-be-ex-wife and I took the kids to "Cracker Barrel" for breakfast.

Cracker Barrel ad:

"Come in for breakfast. No teeth? No problem. Most of our staff doesn't have them, either."

Seriously - half the people in there look like they bang their sisters.

For the record, I don't have a sister.

Totally. Sucks.

Before we left, we told the kids to hit the bathrooms. I went into the men's room with my son.

Son: "I have to go poop."

Awesome.

Because I love hanging out in men's rooms.

No - seriously.

It's awesome.

Regardless, my son popped into a stall while I stood at the urinal myself.

BE STILL, ANACONDA!!

I've digressed.

Suddenly, the bathroom door burst open and a guy - in an obvious situation of full-on bowel distress - goes shooting into the stall next to my son.

No sooner is the guy in the stall, sitting right next to my son separated only by a small metal wall...

...does the cacophony of fart fireworks and shit-expulsion sounds begin.

*BRRAAAAPPP! BRAAAP!! FWOOOPPP!!"

This guy had to shit badly.

*PPFFFFTTTTT!! PTHBTHBTHBTHBT!! BROOOOP!"

Then...

*cricket*

There was a short lull in the symphony...

It's at this time that my son pipes up...

...and says to the guy in the stall:

"Excuse you."

* cricket

Awesome.

Guys, ever try peeing at a urinal while you're laughing? It's difficult.

Probably not as difficult as it is to shit while you're laughing - which the guy in the stall was now trying to do.

My son. Is. Awesome.

Plus, he has good manners.

Wrapping up the Week - July 25, 2010

2010-07-25T06:00:00.002-04:00

Before I start today...

Just a shout out to wish my "Soon-to-be-ex-wife/co-parent" a Happy Birthday...

..which was...um...

Yesterday.

Ooops.

And yet we wonder why the relationship didn't hold up.

Happy Birthday, Jen.

Also..had a comment the other day saying that I should take my "Click to Enlarge" text and put it on a shirt.

So...

VOILA!!

You can find that shirt here.

For all my OTHER "Mental Poo" memorabilia, click here.

Thank you in advance for your purchase(s) of mugs and shirts and thongs and crap.

ONWARD!!!

*****************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

I present to you the latest episode of "Hulk Reads Notes to a Teacher - Episode 5"

Yes...five episodes in and people are still trying to decipher that crap.

My friend Kristin gets a tea bag!

Don't look at me like that.

This is how you respond properly when a stranger IM's you.

Well..maybe 'properly' is the wrong term here.

************************

Moments in MENTAL POO History:

************************

A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

This one is for all you cat-loving vanity plate people.

You know who you are.

On July 21, 2009...my dog, Lexi, died.

If you've ever wanted to see 'serious Rodney,' this is pretty much your one chance.

I broke my finger badly in karate and all I got was the ability to turn it into a sex toy!!

See? I'm only serious for, like, 2 minutes...tops.

************************

Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

The wife and I go to Seattle to see the Red Sox.

This is our travelogue:

Log entry #1: Jet Blue Balls

hahaha.

Just realized I wrote 'log entry.'

hahaha.

Log entry #2: Sleepless in Seattle

Log entry #3: Sharing a Needle

Log entry #4: Orca? You Damn Near Killed Her!

************************
Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

So..like...

This is just WEIRD. Penis slide. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Steve Carrel and Paul Rudd..one of the greatest videos ever.

************************
There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

If You Don't Know Me by Now.....

2010-07-23T07:00:00.002-04:00

I was sitting at work the other morning which is actually more than I USUALLY do because sitting requires focus to maintain balance (which is why I eat a hearty breakfast!) and pretty much the only thing I'm focused on at work is covering my tracks to make sure my Internet browsing doesn't cause my dismissal.

*wipes sweat from brow

So I'm sitting there and all of a sudden my Yahoo Messenger window pops up.

That's what she said.

I have no idea who this woman is that's IM'ing me.

Apparently this feeling is mutual.

And this, people, is why you should add me to your Yahoo Messenger list...

...and then years later forget who the Hell I am.

(click image to enlarge)

Well..I don't know who this chick is but apparently she doesn't like Everest-climbing pimp midgets.

Racist.

I'm going to call her out during Zumba class.

Moog out.

The Prophetic Tea Bag Incident

2010-07-21T07:00:00.002-04:00

I know what you're thinking about the title.

You people are SICK.

This is why I love you.

Well..not so much "love" as "want to do that funny swirly thing to you."

I think they're the same.

At least that's what the prostitutes say.

My friend, Kristin, handed me one of the tags from her tea the other day.

It read:

"The beauty of life is to experience yourself"

*blink*

Kristin: "Does this mean I should go home and masturbate?"

Me: "Yes. Yes it does."

*pause*

Me: "Your phone has a camera, right?"

The beauty of life is to experience yourself.

How prophetic.

Apparently, "life was beautiful" for me at about 10:15 last night as I watched "Super Ninja Doll" on Cinemax and experienced the crap out of myself.

Oh yeah.

Life was also beautiful for me in the shower at the gym this afternoon.

Um...

Helpful tip to the guys out there:

WEAR FLIP FLOPS IN THE LOCKER ROOM SHOWER.

That's not shampoo on the floor.

By the way folks, the fact that Kristin received this via "tea bag" has not escaped me.

It's how my mind works.

I can't help but picture that shit.

Great.

Now I have to go experience myself.

Life is beautiful once again.

Third time today.

I'm gonna need to start using some type of lotion.