2. iPhones are more expensive than my laptop.

3. My old phone could probably cook an egg in about 10 minutes, if its battery lasted that long.

4. Jordan loves me in a way no guy should ever love another guy.

5. Gloucestershire County Council can’t type correctly.

Let’s just sum it up for you. Typical Michael Cera lovable geek Scott Pilgrim meets the girl of his dreams – a miss Ramona Flowers – but in order to date her he must destroy her seven evil ex’s and have her able to control her love life herself. There’s some nerd bits along the way, but that’s pretty much it.

Now I love to be sarcastic about these sorts of things, but let me tell you a story first…

Well me and a couple of others wanted to go see it when it came out and we finally got a chance to this gracious Orange Wednesday. This adventure was only me, Timi and Jake because others weren’t fussed about it or had already seen it without inviting us (*sniff*). But hey, we went anyway. Screw them.

Jake got there a bit late so we missed a bit of the start, but it was pretty easy to catch up. I had no idea who this ‘Knives’ character was, but soon found out it was who he was cheating on for this Ramona girl. To be honest, I was in awe as to how exactly Michael Cera pulled either, but that’s one for the plot hole analysts to figure out.

It’s a pretty simple affair with bits of flair attached to the side. To be fair, that’s all I was expecting and really all I wanted to see. None of this confusing Inception malarkey, I just wanted a movie that was a bit of fun. Certainly got that. All the swooshy little effects didn’t put me off or anything, just made me want to punch a guy so hard he turned into coins.

Up until about a month or so ago, I didn’t even know this was a comic, let alone a film. Apparently it doesn’t stray too far from the comic, so you’ll be happy about that if you’re a nerd which, let’s face it, you are if you’re excited about seeing this movie. Hell, I was, but mainly because I’m a sucker for retro gaming.

But all in all it’s an awesome movie. Okay, if you’re looking for an in-depth movie with plot twists galore, you’re barking up the wrong tree (or should I say powering up the wrong cartridge?) and should probably delve into your DVD collection as there’s not a lot in the cinema that’s any good right now.

All this movie has left me wanting is to go play Street Fighter. FINISH HIM!

This is Paul Bex. He’s from Cambridgeshire, but don’t hold that against him. He’s a driver for the private organ donor company Lifeline. They get a call saying they need a liver urgently on July 7th this year. If he didn’t get it within three hours of the call, the patient would have died. So what do you do in that situation?

Well you get there ASAP. No need to potter around behind some idiot in a Polo who wouldn’t trust their fifth gear, you put your foot down and get there as soon as you can. And that’s what he did. He went 112mph past a couple of those lovely speed cameras everyone loves, and a little while later, got sent a letter saying he could be banned from driving.

The law currently states that anyone going over 100mph on a public road faces a 12-month ban, apart from if they’re exempt, which ambulance drivers are. But the old law hasn’t been updated to include the transportation of human tissue and so he’s facing the full brunt of his actions – just for trying to save some poor person’s life.

There was a similar incident back in 2003 where Mike Ferguson was transporting a liver to Addenbrooke’s too, but he got off the hook thanks to being a paramedic. But poor Mr Bex works for a private firm, so it wouldn’t be a like-for-like case. He has the blue flashing lights, sure, but not much past that and a bit of high-speed driving training.

So what do I think? Well, if that previous one was thrown out because it "wasn’t in the public interest", then so can this one. It shouldn’t matter if he’s a trained paramedic or works solely for the NHS, if it’s going to save someone’s life you do all you can to stop it.

Although to be fair, it shouldn’t matter what else happens afterwards. If I put in a situation if I person would die if I didn’t do something, I would make sure I did that thing no matter what, even if it did mean a 12-month driving ban. I wouldn’t be happy about it, but I would be safe in the knowledge I did the right thing.

So choose your options wisely, whoever-it-is-who-does-the-whole-law-thing-here. You can choose head or heart. I know this hasn’t been the most optimistic of blog posts, but it’s a necessary one. It just makes me angry…

2. You can kick a burning terrorist so hard in the balls it can tear a tendon in your foot.

3. Mr Burns is the Nerve intern.

4. Pokemon games don’t hold their saves like they used to.

5. Saving your change can buy you a car.

It’s probably not a good idea to open something addressed to "Suicide Bomber" that’s been posted in your letterbox, but thankfully this man did so we can all laugh at him.

His name? Andrew Adams – a 63-year old retired taxi driver from Swansea. One day the postman delivered his letters as usual, but with an unexpected addition. Boots had given him an advantage card under the name ‘Dr A Suicide Bomber’.

Now, I just find it wonderful that the first thing this guy thought was "Well, I’m not a doctor…" before contemplating the fact Boots were trying to get suicide bombers to collect loyalty points. He is indeed more inquisitive why Boots sent him a reward card not under this rather humorous name, but because he rarely shops there.

I just think this story’s great in with a mix of Chile miners being stuck in caves or cats being stuck in bins – it’s not to be taken too seriously. Which is exactly why I’m about to take the piss.

Firstly, I’ve never been a postman, but I’m pretty sure at some point you have to look at the letters you’re posting through. If you do the same round a few times you know who lives where roughly. Even if you don’t, surely you don’t think "Huh, so Mr Adams is a suicide bomber now – that and he’s saving points to buy his missus something nice no doubt – go figure" and just post it through. It’s probably against the law to withhold someone’s post (even if it is addressed to A Suicide Bomber) but maybe it’s worth a knock on the door or… a chat to your local PCSO or something I don’t know.

But then we’ve got the whole idea of it getting to that point in the first place. There must have been some bloke who’s gotten a kick from finding out that Boots actually sent A Suicide Bomber a loyalty card after being bored one day. Boots said they have systems in place to stop that sort of thing happening, but still it got through. To be fair it’s probably a Boots employee just handing in his notice in a rather fancy and humorous way, who knows.

It’s a bit far to go and say "anyone with a weak heart of nervous disposition probably will get really scared by it" because nobody can be scared of anything sent to such a blatant recipient, especially a Boots loyalty card. It sounds a bit reminiscent of Fringe Fail Lady and their sort of "I shouldn’t have to look after myself, should I?!" ideology. If you’re like that, don’t do anything at all, or don’t expect £7000 for falling over or something.

Anyway. I digree. Mr Suicide Bomber – if you actually do exist – you know who’s got your Advantage Card. May I suggest avoiding the nail varnish though, they’ll probably take that off you at airport security anyway.

Okay, I’m a nerd, I admit it. While X Factor was on, I was on my laptop while the V+ box recorded it to watch later. I was on Twitter and a storm was brewing. Well, I say a storm, Steve posted this:

But he wasn’t the only one. Looking a bit more into it loads of people noticed. So I thought I would give X Factor a watch and see what happens. For the most part, I was sure people were just hearing things, but then this one came on right at the end:

…and I’m sure even in between your bouts of severe vomiting and nausea you can tell the bits where it’s robot-tastic. And indeed it was. They admitted to using auto-tune yesterday to enhance the experience, and even to scripting the thing for, what I can only assume is to make another Susan Boyle moment. Sneaky little bastards.

The main argument against it is that the judges judged them solely on what they sounded like at the time, so there were no discrepancies there. That’s wonderful, but to be honest I don’t actually care about how well people do, I just want to hear people singing awful songs in a really bad way. It’s Saturday night entertainment, after all.

Understandably, people were outraged. We do that quite well here in the UK. Even people who didn’t make it the last times were outraged. But of course they would be. Any chance to grab some limelight and they will.

But now for my sarcastic take on it.

It’s a talent show (well, I say "talent" show…) and so surely you’ll want people to base their opinions on whether or not people can…urr… sing in tune. There’s people at home (not me, I’m not that sad) that have competitions between each other about who should go through or not. I dare say there’s a sad act or 50 who phone up to complain that "that bloke with the weird shoes" should have gone through "if you can put that bitch with the hair through".

So I’m going to be outraged. Partly because it’s funny to be at such a non-show as the X Factor, but also partly because it takes the whole purpose of broadcasting the show out of the equation. If they did it to a degree of awesome like the Internet can and make it go all T-Pain up in there, then I would watch it. Auto-tune the countless adverts they had after every audition. Auto-tune the judges. I’m sure there’s a viral video in there somewhere.

All in all, ITV’s a bit of a fail. You really can’t just do that and expect to get away with it. You’ve annoyed the internet, and so you must feel the wrath. Enjoy that.

2. Mix tapes are manly.

3. Robots are slow at serving ice cream.

4. Me being Bear Grylls involves wearing an ill-fitting vest.

5. Some priests are cool.

There were loads of people saying it’s faked and I was somewhat inclined to agree with them. That’s not because I thought it was too good to be real, it’s that I didn’t want to start playing a game that got depressed if I didn’t come and play every day. Neopets were bad enough.

But after reports of Milo being quietly swept under the carpet and never to be released, Peter Molyneux – the guy that seems to front this creeper project – did a talk at TED (a sort of conference for nerds, if you will) and showed off a more up to date version of Milo, which just got that little bit more creepy.

I know it says it’s 14:25, but the video’s really just over 10 minutes. If even that is too long for you to stomach, I’ll tell you what happens, but you’re really missing out.

First thing you thought when you saw the original video with Kate was probably "Hang on, he’s English. There’s nowhere in England that looks as clean as that." and you’re right. When you first meet Milo, he’s recently moved from London to, quite ironically, New England. He has no friends and he’s feeling at a bit of a loose end. Your job is to be that friend that makes sure he fits in with his new surroundings.

Every Milo would be different, depending what you do and say. You even have the option to tell Milo to squash a snail if you want him to. All these options give you some points in some sort of potential-measuring system. Seems like you get the most points for teaching him to skim stones. Typical, I’m absolutely rubbish at skimming stones. Sorry, Milo. You’re probably going to turn out to be a hobo.

He’ll recognise your voice too. None of that "I think you said ‘Plaza General Information’. Is this correct?" rubbish nowadays. It’s made in such a way that Milo can tell what you’re saying from not only the words you say but the tone you say it. The more people that *ahem* use Milo, the smarter he’ll get. So I dare say by launch he’ll clearly recognise your screams for him to "go off and die" if the Internet is anything to go by.

The only thing I think is a shame is that it’s not going to be a launch title when Kinect goes on sale November 10th here in the UK (across the pond November 5th) and they’re having a bit of trouble flogging the idea to release it to Microsoft. I mean, they love Milo, but they just don’t see it as a releasable game. It’s great for the casual gamer and has so much more longevity than, say, jumping over stuff. Go ahead and release it, Microsoft. You’ll have one person who’ll buy it.

Not old as in "oh my god I’m going to die any day now", no, that’s for those that already got their BA’s. I just enjoyed being the young one. Now there’s a whole year’s worth of people that can be considered adults now. Ah man, I’m old.

It’s been a year since I went through the process myself and now I’m in a position to mock. I haven’t listened to the radio so far today, but I’m 99% sure my mum isn’t being interviewed on it this year, but more sure of the fact Mr Griffiths the head teacher at my old school is busy defending it’s skyrocketing results scores from the negative Nancys. At the time I was thinking "Of course the exams aren’t getting easier, we’re just getting smarter" but now I’ve slipped into the de facto  "Yeah they just teach the exams rather than the subject nowadays."

Anyway, I’m not meant to care, I’m a university student. My priorities now lie in making sure I can relive Fresher’s Fortnight again by blagging the fact I’ll do a couple of hours on the radio for it.

Whatever. To keep it short, I don’t like feeling old. But hey ho, still got two years of this lark to go until I really am old. Great.

If you don’t like watching videos, let me just explain what’s happening. BBC News 24 is a… 24 hour news channel. So obviously they get bored quite soon. Presenting the weather just isn’t enough now, so the newsreader has to make a quick jab at weather forecasting before handing over to the weatherman almost ready to deliver a one-fingered salute. How ITV of them.

So it got me thinking – could I stomach presenting a show probably nobody even has on? Then I remembered I have my own student radio show, so that’s a big bold tick in that box.

Then it was more of a "What the hell would you do in that situation?". If I had to be a weatherman on a 24 hour news channel, I’m pretty sure I would be the same – bored senseless and looking for any cheap way to get some thrills from the whole thing – but then feel about two inches tall when shot comes to me flipping the bird to the nation. Pretty sure I’d be fired, too.

I love the little sort of jazz hands-style thing he does when he realises the camera’s on him. Macho macho man.

Ahh anyway. I’m sure the Internet will grab hold of it with both hands and remix it, parody it and whatnot before the day is done. good old Internet.

EDIT: Surprise.