Hey Scott, long time reader.  Anyways, I read your review of ECW unreleased and it got me to thinking about it.  I loved the original ECW but after more than ten years of its demise I can say it hasn’t aged well.  On top of all that, it would seem that Paul pretty much killed the company way before TNN took them in, but he didn’t help much before it did go belly up.  But that last year is some interesting stuff to check out,   Cases in point:

1. On the first episode putting on a repeat match and a music video instead of original matches.
2. continuously bad mouthing the network anywhere he could be heard including on the network itself (leading to his threat being completely silenced by the network)
3. After years of bad mouthing both of the Big Two and proclaiming ECW superior to both of them, he has a WWF contracted Taz beat a WCW contracted Mike Awesome at an ECW house show, but stays silent as Taz jobs cleanly to Triple H on national TV making him look like a chump, and then, as revealed by you, agreeing to not show Taz job to Tommy Dreamer at cyberslam.  for a guy who says he has a lot of balls, this deal sure showed a lack of them.
4. Trying to push Justin Credible as the second coming of Triple H.  let me just say that I have no problem with Justin, but let’s face it, he is no main eventer anywhere in any promotion that I can ever think of.  Him constantly pushed as a main eventer for so long pretty much shows how obsessed Paul was in getting lots of WWF’s castoffs over.  He’s definitely no Triple H seeing as he’s lacking about 60 pounds of muscle, a better vocabulary, 6 inches in height, a long luxurious head of hair, and about two thirds of the wrestling talent.
5.  And finally, responsibility.  The dude seemed to have no money, yet he promised everyone the sun and the moon, and when it went under, he pretty much just shirked it off and went to raw the next night like nothing happened.
Paul may be a creative genius, but business is not his strong point.  Thoughts?

1.  This one actually isn’t Paul’s fault, even though a lot of other stuff is.  He submitted a totally different show to TNN made up of matches from the first set of tapings, and the network rejected it too late for him to retape anything.  Probably his fault for making a crappy first show, but that’s semantics. 

2.  Correct, this one was incredibly dumb, even if his conspiracy theory about TNN kicking him off the network in favor of WWE did in fact turn out to be true all along.  However, much like a job interview, trashing your former employer is considered incredibly crass, and I can see other TV networks being gunshy about working with him after that kind of relationship.  Like really, TNN kept the company from dying, RIP, in late 98, so Paul should have sucked up his pride and done whatever they asked.  Worked for TNA.

3.  This one mystifies me to this day.  If he wanted the damn title on Justin Credible so badly, why not just PUT IT ON HIM?  Why the complex machinations to get the belt onto Taz and then Tommy Dreamer and then Credible?  Or why not just strip Awesome of the belt and do a tournament?  Was the lineage of a title created by Shane Douglas throwing another belt on the ground after a double-cross (OH THE IRONY!) so important that it justified watching Taz get his balls cut off on national TV in a move so classless that even HHH, the guy who booked himself and his friend to beat the entire Spirit Squad by themselves, thinks it might have been a bit much. 

4.  Man, the Justin Credible thing.  You know what’s scary?  Back in mid 97, during the lame WWF invasion of ECW, the Observer noted a few times Paul Heyman was actively trying to get Vince to let Pete Polaco out of his contract because he wanted to give him a big push.  So yeah, much like Pearl Harbor, we had the information beforehand and NOTHING WAS DONE TO STOP IT.  Keep in mind that he was still technically wrestling as Aldo Montoya, even though WWF hadn’t used him in months and probably had no intention to.  But Heyman still jumped through hoops to get him.  And then, OK, he wanted to give it a try, I’ll give him that.  But it was clearly the wrong character for someone who, let’s face it, looks like a rat-faced douchebag heel and not THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHRIST like Heyman made him out to be.  But when it didn’t work, Heyman didn’t hide his weaknesses and repackage him as something else like he did with every other failure he saved, he PUSHED HIM EVEN HARDER as the same character, until he finally put the World title on him and killed his own promotion.  Hell, at least HHH got a zillion character tweaks until he found the right combination.  Justin in 1998 was the same guy as Justin in 2000, working the same match and doing the same interview.  If he was a midcard shithead coward heel like X-Pac who occasionally got the upper hand but then showed ass in the end, that would be one thing.  But this dude was undefeated for all intents and purposes for what, TWO YEARS?  He never got his comeuppance, ever.  Yeah, part of wrestling is building up the heel by having him win matches he shouldn’t and hitting guys with his stupid stick, but then the other half, the IMPORTANT half, is when someone kicks the shit out of him and shoves that stick down his throat in retaliation for all the shit he did.  To this day, I just don’t get it. 

5.  Yeah, he ended up owing RVD something like $100,000 and Dreamer the same, and he just shut down the company without ever telling anyone, making sure that he was set up with a job first (and Rhyno) and leaving everyone else to fend for themselves.  He was the guy pushing women and children off the liferafts when the Titanic was going down because he steered it into an iceberg while doing coke.  

So Blogspot v. Livejournal:  What’s the vote before it gets temporarily switched over tomorrow?

Edit to add:  By popular request, here’s Tumblr as well.  Even though I think I’m too old to actually get the point of tumblr.

(2012 Scott sez: Oh, wait, this is 2012 Scott. Never mind.)

Live from Atlanta, GA.

Your host is THE ROCK. Plus Josh Matthews & Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole, who is trapped in a GLASS CASE OF EMOTION.

Smackdown World title: Edge v. Alberto Del Rio

Edge has Christian with him, and ADR has pre-Funkasaurus Brodus Clay, which is kind of a weird role to see him in now. They slug it out to start and Del Rio goes to the arm right away, but Edge dumps him. He charges and runs into the railing, allowing Alberto to further beat on the arm, and back in for two. Del Rio chokes away on the ropes and pounds the arm again for two. To the armbar, but he misses a blind charge and hits the floor, allowing Edge to follow with a flip dive. That had to be killing him. Back in, Del Rio brings him in with a top rope armdrag for two. Edge comes back with a leg lariat as this thing is not clicking in the least. Edge with the flapjack for two, but Del Rio goes back to the arm and tries the cross-armbreaker, but Edge counters into the Edge-O-Matic for two. They trade rollup attempts and Del Rio rolls into the armbreaker, but Edge makes the ropes. Edge to the top, but Del Rio brings him down with an enzuigiri for two. Christian brawls with Brodus to kick off a feud that went nowhere, and Edge cradles for two. Impaler sets up the spear, but it misses and Del Rio gets the armbreaker, which should have been the finish. Edge fights through and cradles for two, however, and gets his Cloverleaf thing. Spear finishes at 11:14. Pretty blah opener, especially for a World title match, although obviously we now know the circumstances behind it. **1/2 Clearly the finish should have been Del Rio tapping him out to the armbar and then going on to drop the belt to Randy Orton after Extreme Rules, because this way Del Rio never got any momentum behind his main event push. And really, Edge’s offense is much more suited to a big stadium atmosphere than Del Rio’s arm work was, which also caused the match to suffer. Edge and Christian, sore winners, get revenge for winning by wrecking ADR’s car with crowbars. What did he do to warrant that? There’s offbeat shenanigans and then there’s outright vandalism!

Cody Rhodes v. Rey Mysterio

It’s Captain America for Rey this year. And of course this is the blowoff for Cody’s Dr. Doom gimmick, which lasted a surprising amount of time and did very well for him. Rey gets a rana from the top right away, but Cody puts him down and pounds him in the corner. Disaster kick gets two back before it was a finish for him. Rey with a flying headscissor attempt, but Cody reverses into the Alabama Slam for two. He chokes Rey out and goes to a nerve pinch, and they head to the top for a rare delayed superplex from Rhodes. That’s something you don’t see every day. He goes for Crossroads to finish, but Rey dumps him to give us TWO Michael Cole-isms at once: “Building momentum” and “Creating separation”. Back in, Rey with a pinning combo for two. Rey tries the Rube Goldberg bulldog, but Cody counters into a suplex for two. Rey sets up for the 619, but Cody catches him and gets the catapult for two. He pulls Rey’s knee brace off, but that allows Rey to recover with a moonsault for two. Rey removes Cody’s mask in response, and hits the 619 to the NAKED FACE, but the flying splash hits knee. Rey puts on the evil mask himself (although judging by his past problems with masks at WM, this might be a mistake) and gets a diving headbutt for two. The Atlanta crowd now gets behind Cody, who retrieves Rey’s kneebrace in a nice tit-for-tat moment, waffles him with it, and finishes with Crossroads at 12:00. That was a clever finish that was actually explained well by the announcers for once. I heartily endorse this event or product! ***1/4

Meanwhile, Teddy Long and Snoop Dogg audition various doofuses, leading to Roddy Piper laying out Zack Ryder while singing “Friday” and Hornswoggle rapping. Well this was certainly a use of time.

Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, Ezekial Jackson & Wade Barrett v. Big Show, Kane, Santino & Kofi Kingston

AKA the “Get a bunch of people a payday match”. Amazingly, Slater & Gabriel were the tag champions just a year ago, and Barrett was the IC champion. The guys trade finishers to start and Show punches out Slater for the pin at 1:33. And that’s that. That kind of goes against Cody Rhodes’ argument about Show not winning at Wrestlemania. ½*

Meanwhile, The Rock runs into Mae Young, Eve Torres and Steve Austin.

Randy Orton v. CM Punk

Punk cost Orton the WWE title at Royal Rumble, due to Orton punting Punk TWO YEARS BEFOREHAND. Now that’s a grudge! And they say chicks don’t let things go easily. They quickly brawl to the floor and Punk boots the stairs into Orton’s knee, then comes in with a flying bodypress for two. Punk works on the knee, but Orton comes back with a neckbreaker. Punk catches a high kick and does a sort of jawbreaker onto Orton’s knee, and that gets two. Orton is kinda way overselling the knee for 3 minutes into a match. Punk with the running knee for two, and he sets up for the GTS, but Orton fights out and tries the RKO. Punk manages to counter that with a high kick for two. Punk to the top again, but Orton brings him down via the crotch and sets up for a superplex, giving us a great look at a “Randy Orton Orange-O-Meter” sign. That man really is quite orange. Punk survives the superplex and rolls out, wrapping Orton’s knee around the post and getting a ringpost figure-four in the process. Back in, he goes back to the knee and here’s where the announcers should have been like “Orton is in pain with every offensive move he makes!” instead of 5 minutes ago. Punk controls with a leglock, but Orton fights out and gets the powerslam. Backdrop suplex gets two. Punk boots him down and snaps on the Anaconda Vice, but Orton rolls him into the ropes to break. From there it’s the draping DDT and he sets up for the RKO, but Punk is down for a while so he changes his mind and opts for the punt instead. The knee gives way on the run-up, however, which is an interesting twist, but he was just suckering Punk in. RKO is blocked by Punk and he slides out of the ring in a nice bit of wordless acting from both guys. Punk comes in with a flying clothesline, but that’s reversed into the RKO at 14:49. Would have worked better if he had punted Punk to end the feud, but this was a pretty great finish as is. ***1/2 I know this one didn’t get much love at the time, but I think removed a bit from the disappointment surrounding the show it was a really good match where they delivered the best they could. And really, Orton did some good goldbricking at the end there and Punk’s facials were tremendous. Of course, both guys would end up as World champions later in the year, too.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene meets with the Rock and introduces him to John Cena’s #1 fan, Pee Wee Herman. About as hilarious as it sounds, maybe even less.

Michael Cole v. Jerry Lawler

Steve Austin is of course the referee here as they cram in every overbooking trick they can. Cole hides out in the Cole Mine while Lawler beats up Jack Swagger and then runs Cole’s face into the plexiglass. Lawler kicks Cole’s ass for a while in the box and they head in to start the match for real, but Swagger attacks Lawler from behind. An anklelock allows Cole to take control right away and work on the ankle. Cole goes up for a Swaggerbomb, but then opts for one off the first rope instead, and that gets two. Cole looks ridiculous out there, but I guess that’s partly intentional. Although this is insanely long already for this kind of match. The crowd starts a “boring” chant as Cole pulls down a strap and applies an anklelock, but Lawler fights that off without breaking a sweat. Lawler stomps a mudhole, prompting Swagger to throw in the towel, but Austin wants none of that. Swagger DEMANDS that the match be stopped, and that earns him a stunner. Cole pleads with Steve for his life, but Lawler makes his comeback and beats on him as this thing just keeps GOING. Lawler busts out the dropkick in honor of his Wrestlemania debut and goes up with the fistdrop for two. And he applies his own anklelock for the submission at 13:51. They gave this FIFTEEN MINUTES?!? Should have been 3 minutes, tops, with Cole getting his offense and Lawler laughing it off and beating the crap out of him to finish. Booker T leaves his announce position and gets a stunner afterwards, just because. BUT WAIT. It’s the Dusty Finish, as the Anonymous GM chimes in and reverses the decision to really kill this thing dead. -***

HHH v. Undertaker

I was listening to the year-end awards show on the Observer site, and Dave and Bryan were talking this up as even better than the Punk-Cena ***** classic from Chicago. HHH’s extended “For Whom The Bell Tolls” intro is pretty awesome, as is the Undertaker’s Johnny Cash theme. Probably cost a ton of money just for the entrances alone, though. HHH slugs away in the corner to start, but gets tossed and they brawl outside. Taker clears a table right away, but HHH spears him into the Cole Mine (now there’s a concept that thankfully died a quick death) and heads back in. They exchange fisticuffs again and Taker gets the flying clothesline, but HHH blocks the old school ropewalk and sends him to the floor. Into the railing, as the upside of only working once a year becomes evident. Hey, if you’ve got the financial security to be able to afford only match per year, you might as well leave it all on the table so to speak. HHH is already trying a Pedigree on the table, but Undertaker backdrops him to the floor instead. JR is worried about his internal organs, so you know it’s painful. The replays show that, yeah, HHH just took a flat-back bump off the table and onto the mat. Ouch.

HHH is standing, so Undertaker hits the annual Wrestlemania tope suicida, thankfully not killing himself this year. He sets up the stairs but can’t hit anything as we get more and more teases and setups, but he charges instead and HHH counters with a spinebuster through the Spanish table! Holy shit, they’re just letting it all hang out. Back in, Taker catches him with a chokeslam for two as JR is really talking up the end of the streak. UT wants the Last Ride, but HHH slugs out of it and then pounds him in the corner. Oh, that’s not smart, Cerebral Assassin. Taker indeed tries the powerbomb, but HHH escapes and sets up for the Pedigree, which Undertaker escapes, but HHH gets another spinebuster for two. That was a great sequence of two guys knowing each other. He grabs a chair, but Taker kicks it back in his face and then just UNLOADS with it. Safely on the back, I should note. However, he pauses for dramatic effect, and it’s KICK WHAM PEDIGREE for two. HHH sets up for a superplex, but this time Taker does hit the Last Ride, and that gets two. Tombstone time, but even with the pose it only gets two. The chair is still around, so Taker picks up HHH and tries again, but this time it’s reversed into a DDT on the chair and both guys are out. They both pull themselves up on the ropes in a cool visual of two guys fighting through it to continue beating each other up, and HHH recovers first with the Pedigree for two. Kicking out of two Pedigrees? Is this guy CM Punk or something? And it’s a THIRD one for two. Holy cow.

HHH grabs the chair and goes all Steve Austin-at-WM17 on him, but Taker is old and stubborn and won’t stay down. So it’s a VICIOUS chair to the face, and UT got his hands up so fast that it looked unprotected. The crowd’s kinda freaking out a bit now because Taker is getting the BEATS put on him, and he can’t even do the zombie situp. HHH suggests, gently, that Undertaker stay down again, but Taker keeps fighting, so HHH resignedly gives him the famous tombstone…for two. If I was watching this live, I would have bet money that it was going to be the finish and the streak was over. So with all rational options exhausted, HHH gets the trusty sledgehammer to end it for good. However, HHH gets sucked into the gogoplata while trying to bash Taker’s head in. I hate it when that happens. HHH is equally stubborn and won’t tap, instead grabbing his hammer and threatening one last skull-bashing before finally dropping it and then tapping out at 28:54. It definitely wasn’t as good as Punk-Cena (one of the greatest matches of all-time), but it certainly wasn’t “two guys hitting finishers and then laying around” like others have accused. They were two guys who wanted to let it all hang out at Wrestlemania, with Undertaker stubbornly refusing to die (great choice of song to reflect that, even!) and HHH hitting everything he had and then letting his temper force himself into the one mistake that allowed the beaten Undertaker to win. I also the minimalist approach to it, as it gets portrayed as a brawl with a bunch of shortcuts, but it was really only one chair and one table and the rest was the in-ring finishers doing all the damage. Not something I’d want to watch over and over, but it was definitely something that deserved the viewing at least once. Not the Match of the Year by any means, but I’d call it a solid second place. ****1/2 The pace was slow, however, because Undertaker really is an aging and beat up old guy. So it’s obviously a very effective role for him to play during a match.

Dolph Ziggler, Layla & Michelle McCool v. John Morrison, Trish Stratus & Snooki

Man, Laycool just disappeared off the face of the earth, didn’t they? McCool, who looks about 90 pounds here, slugs it out with Trish to start and then counters the Matrix with a stomp to the gut. Trish reverses the Styles Clash into a facebuster, and tries the headstand headscissors, but ends up tumbling to the floor with Michelle instead. She keeps coming with a double clothesline onto Laycool and a rollup of McCool for two, then lays her out with the chick kick for two. Dolph brawls with JoMo, which leads to a Starship Pain on the floor, and Snooki comes in with a handspring elbow on McCool and a splash to finish at 3:48. Just time filler in a show that didn’t need any more filler, but nothing offensive. * Of course, this match ended up helping to seal Morrison’s fate, as he bitched on Twitter about how Melina should have been in Trish’s spot here and pretty much earned himself a pink slip.

WWE title: The Miz v. John Cena

You know, lost in the Miz’s fall from grace is the equally tragic plummeting of Alex Riley from main event manager of the WWE champion to modern day Superstars job guy. John Cena’s Wrestlemania entrance has now progressed to a full gospel choir. Test of strength to start and Cena goes to a headlock, but Miz stomps him down in the corner. Cena gets a gutwrench for two and MAN is this crowd dead now. Taker-HHH must have destroyed them. Miz with a DDT for two. Miz misses a charge and Cena goes up with the guillotine legdrop for two. But he misses his own charge and Miz takes over again with a boot for two. Another big boot gets two. Miz puts him on the apron and gets a kneelift for two as Cena is off on another world, which I believe turned out to be Cena knocking himself silly at some point early on. Cena comes back with the five knuckle shuffle, but Miz reverses the FU into a DDT for two. Miz undoes a turnbuckle, but Cena cradles for two and hooks the STFU. Miz quickly makes the ropes, but A-Ry runs Cena into the EXPOSED STEEL and Miz gets the Skull Crushing Finale for two. They sell it like a big near-fall, but the crowd just gives it a sarcastic “TWO!”. Another try, and now the ref is bumped, because that’s EXACTLY what this boring match needed. Riley lays out Cena with the briefcase and Miz gets two. Miz charges with the case and accidentally hits Riley, but Cena’s FU only gets two. That would have been a really flat finish anyway. They head outside and Cena clotheslines Miz into the crowd, then follows with a spear over the railing where he CRACKS his head on the floor. Oh man, that was scary. Both guys are out and it’s a double countout at 14:48. Well that’s just an awful finish. *1/2 However, The Rock is OUTRAGED at this bullshit and comes out to restart the match himself. So Cena tosses Miz back in, but Rock turns on him with a Rock Bottom and leaves, allowing Miz to get the pin and retain the title. I am just astonished at how badly this entire show was booked at times. And then Rock beats the crap out of Miz, too. And that’s Wrestlemania, ladies and gentlemen!

The Pulse

Holy crap, minus Undertaker-HHH that’s a pretty dire PPV, Wrestlemania or not. Traditionally one awesome match influences my rating upwards, but we’re in the digital age now and that awesome match is already on a “Best of 2011” DVD, so fuck this show. Strong recommendation to avoid and I’d put this one solidly in the bottom third of Wrestlemanias.

The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 26

- Live from Phoenix, AZ

- Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Matt Striker

Unified tag team titles: Big Show & The Miz v. R-Truth & John Morrison

Morrison dropkicks Miz to start and the faces hit legdrops for two. Truth hits Show with a leg lariat, but walks into a fallaway slam. Show pounds Truth down and goes up for a pump splash, but Morrison kicks him down and Truth gets two. Morrison comes in and runs wild on Miz, but misses Starship Pain, giving MIz two. Morrison counters the Stroke for two, but Show tags himself in with the KO punch to finish at 3:22. Really, that was it? *1/2

Ted Dibiase v. Cody Rhodes v. Randy Orton

Not sure how this is a triple threat match when it seems to be more clearly a handicap match. Orton dumps Rhodes , but gets dropkicked by Dibiase to set up the Legacy beatdown. They take turns pounding away on him, but Orton tosses Dibiase for a comeback. Rhodes with an Alabama Slam for two, but Legacy erupts for some reason and brawls to the floor. They look like such geeks here. Orton comes back with clotheslines and powerslams, but Dibiase stops the RKO. Rhodes accidentally nails Dibiase with a pescado, and Orton brings both geeks back in with the DDT. Orton sets up to finish Rhodes, but then changes his mind and punts him instead. RKO kills Dibiase dead at 8:58. Holy cow did Legacy ever look like the jobbiest pair of jobbers who ever jobbed there. This didn’t work at all, but the crowd was very into Orton so there was that. **

Meanwhile, Santino Marella bites into a magic Slim Jim that turns Jillian Hall into a series of wacky people. Yeah.

Money In The Bank: Kofi Kingston v. MVP v. Evan Bourne v. Jack Swagger v. Shelton Benjamin v. Matt Hardy v. Dolph Ziggler v. Kane v. Drew McIntyre v. Christian

Kane is sporting an impressive shiner before we even start. Big trainwreck to start and everyone climbs the ladder until Swagger and Hardy are left. Kofi knocks them off, but Christian monkey-flips him into a ladder in the corner. Christian climbs, but gets zig-zagged to the mat. Ziggler goes up and MVP brings him down. Kane brings MVP down, but all the black guys gang up on him in the corner. Shelton clears the ring and climbs, but Swagger knocks him off, then Bourne comes off the top onto him. Bourne looks eerily like Eddie Guerrero in standard definition. Weird spot with Christian and Matt sandwiching Swagger between two ladders while he stands under the main ladder. That leads to Christian fighting it out with Bourne on a ladder ramp. Evan wins that and climbs, but Hardy takes him down, then takes a sick backdrop bump onto the horizontal ladder. Everyone gets car crashed to the floor and Kane beats on Dolph in the ring. A couple of poor ladders get murdered, so Kofi takes a broken one and uses it as stilts in the most innovative spot I’ve seen in years. Sadly, Drew comes in after doing nothing, gets rid of Kofi, and climbs. Matt Hardy thankfully gets rid of him and makes his attempt, but Christian makes the save. They fight it out and Christian brings him down with the inverted DDT. Christian and Swagger fight for it next, and that gives Swagger the case at 13:39, after he takes forever to unhook it. Well that’s a waste of a briefcase as it stands. This was the same as it always is, a bunch of cool spots and sick bumps. ***1/4

Next month: Extreme Rules! Presented by KFC! EXTREME CHICKEN!

HHH v. Sheamus

HHH being this far down the card worries me. They trade shots in the corner and HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Sheamus backs off quickly. Sheamus pounds away, but HHH hits him with a suplex and kneedrop for one. Sheamus bails, and HHH clips him on the way back in and follows with the figure-four. Sheamus makes the ropes quickly to break, and sends HHH into the stairs as Matt Striker tries to get “Ace of Spades” over as a new nickname for HHH. Really? Is this a thing now? He’s already the King of Kings, does he need the whole damn deck of cards? Sheamus takes over with a pair of backbreaker variations and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Axehandle gets two. Sheamus slugs away for two and goes to a chinlock, but HHH makes the comeback. He goes up and Sheamus tries to bring him down with the Razor’s Edge, but HHH slips out. Sheamus gets a pump kick for two. HHH gets the spinebuster for two. Sheamus bails to the apron and gets a pump kick there, but KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes him at 12:05. I’d say Lawler’s “70000 people just witnessed a classic!” was a bit much, but this was fine. **1/2

CM Punk v. Rey Mysterio

Rey is paying tribute to the Na’vi tonight instead of his usual superhero garb. I was looking forward to an Iron Man outfit, too. Oh well. Punk attacks, but gets taken into the corner. Rey hangs himself in the Tree of Woe and gets abused by Serena, and Punk drops him onto the stairs for good measure. Back in, Rey comes back with a bodypress, but Punk turns it into a powerslam for two. Punk ducks a low kick and rolls him up for two. Punk with the high kick for two. Rey comes back with a somersault DDT off the top, which looked pretty cool. Punk blocks the 619 and Rey escapes the GTS. Rey makes it to the apron and goes up with a frog splash, but that misses and Punk gets two. High knee in the corner sets up a powerbomb attempt, but Rey reverses into the 619. Serena throws herself on Punk to stop it, but Rey hits it on the other side instead and finishes with the big splash at 6:30. Kind of surprised they’d blow it off so fast without even going down the “Rey goes straight edge” road. It was also pretty short, like everything else tonight thus far. I did enjoy the “big stadium match” feel they gave it. **3/4

No Holds Barred: Bret Hart v. Vince McMahon

Really there’s only one possible finish here. So Vince decides to stack the deck beforehand, bringing out the entire Hart family as his enforcers. Well I’d expect that from Diana and Bruce and especially Smith, no doubt, but I though Natalya was made of sterner stuff. And Bruce is the special referee, still wearing his stupid sunglasses. But Bret reveals that they were already onto him and now the Harts will screw Vince over. So Bret attacks and chokes Vince down, and the Hart Dynasty immediately drags Vince out and kicks his ass. They add a Hart Attack from the top rope to the floor, and back in Bret drops elbows on him. Vince bails again and the Harts drag him back out from under the ring, but now he’s got a crowbar. Bret gets it away from him without much trouble and beats him down (“That’s an international object!” declares Striker), and he teases a Sharpshooter before going back to the crowbar for a bit. And then he stomps on Vince’s nuts a few times, which always adds an extra star to the rating. Bret grabs a chair and takes a seat while Vince recovers, then lays waste to Vince with the chair. Like, Rock-Austin from WM 17 tribute time. Never let it be said that when it comes time for Vince to get his ass kicked, he doesn’t go out and give it his all. And finally the only thing left is to make him tap to the Sharpshooter at 11:09. Everyone said all they wanted as Bret kicking Vince’s ass for 10 minutes and then making him tap, and that is what was delivered to the letter. If this was in Canada the heat would have been off the charts the whole time. But it wasn’t. Wasn’t really a match and it’s not fair to rate it as such, but it was about *1/2 given the physical conditions of both guys.

Smackdown World title: Chris Jericho v. Edge

Edge puts him down with a pair of shoulderblocks as Cole notes Jericho is a six-time World champion. That can’t be right, can it? Edge gets a flapjack and goes for the spear early, but Jericho bails to escape and heads back in for a baseball slide. Back in with a Jericho backdrop suplex for two. We hit the chinlock and Jericho pounds away in the corner, but misses a blind charge. He comes back with a suplex onto the top rope, but misses a dive and gets sent into the announce table. Back in, they fight on the top and Edge faceplants him for two. He goes up with a flying bodypress, rolled through for two. Jericho tries the Walls, but Edge powers out and gets a sunset flip for two. Jericho tries the Codebreaker and gets sent into the corner to block, but Edge tries a spear and Jericho turns it into the Walls. Edge reverses into a small package for two. Lionsault misses and Edge gets the Edge-O-Matic for two (am I the only one in the world who still calls it that?), but Jericho with an enzuigiri for two. Edge hits the Impaler for two. Jericho gets a forearm off the top and sets up for his own spear, but walks into Edge’s boot. Edge tries his own, but walks into the Codebreaker. Well really, he waited for the crowd to chant “spear”, what did he expect? That gets two. So now we get to the meat of the match, as Jericho starts stomping on the Achilles tendon and then gets the Walls again (wouldn’t an anklelock be more apropos?), then turns it into a half-crab on the injured ankle. Edge channels his inner Dan Hardy and makes the ropes, then rolls up Jericho for two. Cactus clothesline puts them both on the floor, and the ref is bumped. Jericho nails Edge with the “championship” and gets two. IT’S A FUCKING BELT, MICHAEL COLE! A championship is an abstract concept, that is a BELT. Codebreaker finishes clean at 15:43. Really? That was actually looking it was going to be a good 20-25 minutes once Jericho started working the ankle. Oh well, Edge is boring as a babyface anyway. They really need to have the Royal Rumble winner actually win one of these years, though. This wasn’t “close the show” great, but it was never boring and the finish totally made sense. I’m also glad to see Jericho get his first Wrestlemania win since, what, 2001? ***3/4 Edge snaps afterwards and spears Jericho off the announce table, showing that he’s a sore loser as well as a choker.

Layla, Vickie Guerrero, Maryse, Michelle McCool & Alicia Fox v. Beth Phoenix, Eve Torres, Mickie James, Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly

Man, Vickie is the like best sport ever. All the good girls beat on Vickie in the corner (triggering an impressive screech from Vickie) and then all the women get to do their finishers. This leaves Beth with Vickie, as Vickie has a panic attack in the corner before getting rescued by McCool. The heels actually send Vickie to the top for a “hog splash” that gets the pin on Kelly at 3:20. I’m sure Eddie was flattered to have that tribute paid to him. DUD

- Quick question: Why are they using an Audioslave song from 6 years ago as an “official theme”? Did they overpay usage rights and need to burn off some airplay or something? The band doesn’t even exist anymore!

RAW World title: Batista v. John Cena

Cena’s ridiculous entrance this year: A military honor guard. Because he once played a former Marine in a movie. Batista looks trimmed down and it works well on him. They do the lockup battle and Batista gets a headlock, but Cena reverses to his own. Batista clotheslines him out of the corner and pounds away, then adds a boot from the floor. Cena fights back with a suplex and a bulldog for two. He goes for the FU early, but Batista reverses into a sloppy DDT for two. Big boot gets two. We hit the chinlock and they slug it out until Cena backdrops out of a facelock. Cena makes the comeback (7 minutes in?) with his usual run of stuff, but it turns out that Batista CAN see him, and hits him with a spinebuster. Cena reverses into the STF, but Batista makes the ropes without too much trouble. Batista spears him for two. They fight on the top and Batista goes down, allowing Cena to hit the five knuckle shuffle off the top. Batista comes back with the powerbomb for two. Cena tries the FU, reversed by Batista, reversed again by Cena to the FU for two. The crowd is going apeshit for this stuff. They’re really doing the big superhero v. supervillain match well. Cena goes up and tries the legdrop, but he lands in a spinebuster. Batista goes for the bomb, but Cena rolls through into the STF. Batista taps at 13:29 to give the title back to Cena. These guys have mad chemistry together, especially in a big match situation like this one. ****

- The two title matches would make this a thumbs up show on their own, so anything that the main event delivers will just be gravy.

Streak v. Career: Undertaker v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn fires away with chops in the corner, but eats Snake Eyes and a big boot. Corner clothesline and Taker tries to go Old School, but Shawn pulls him down. A second try hits, however. Taker pounds away in the corner and sets up for the tombstone, but Shawn slips out and fights for a crossface. Taker fights that off, but nearly takes the superkick before slipping away. Shawn decides to work on the leg in the corner, but Taker slugs him down and clotheslines him to the floor. That sets up a tope attempt, but Shawn slides in and clips the knee to stop him. Taker tosses him and runs his back into the post, then drops the guillotine legdrop on the apron. Back in, Shawn takes him down with a figure-four, but that only seems to make Undertaker really, really mad. He reverses the move and Shawn releases, and they slug it out. Shawn puts him down and kips up, but it’s a chokeslam for two. Tombstone is reversed into an anklelock by Shawn, so I guess that’s why Jericho couldn’t have it. Taker kicks him in the head a few times to break, but Shawn clotheslines him to the floor and follows with a moonsault. Taker catches that and tombstones him on the floor, and you have to figure that’s not good for Shawn’s career. An EMT runs down to check on Shawn, but Taker beats him up and rolls Shawn back in for two. Last Ride, but Taker’s knee gives out and Shawn gets two. Looked bad. Shawn goes up and drops the elbow, but Taker gets his knee up to block and Shawn takes the bump on his ribs. Ouch. Taker tries Hell’s Gate and Shawn rolls it over for two. They both struggle up and Shawn superkicks him for two. Shawn cues up another one, but Taker catches it and counters to the Last Ride for two. That was a giant near-fall. A frustrated UT tosses Shawn and preps the announce table, but Shawn escapes a powerbomb and superkicks him onto it instead. And given that it’s Wrestlemania, Shawn can’t resist a moonsault from the top, which puts Taker through the table. He even hits the knee, which is either a great bit of psychology or a lucky miss. Back in, Shawn adds one more superkick…for two. This match needs Jim Ross so badly. Shawn wants another one, but Taker chokeslams him. No cover, as he opts for the tombstone instead, and that only gets two. The crowd is just going insane now. Taker’s had it and he pulls the straps down, but he stops because he doesn’t want to end Shawn’s career. Just awesome facials from Shawn, as he gives Taker’s throat-cutting gesture right back to him, and then slaps Taker. And that’s it, as Taker tombstones him extra-super-duper hard for the pin at 23:57 to end it. If this was Shawn’s last match (which it’s not), he went out with another Wrestlemania classic. However, I just don’t think it was as good as last year, because expectations were so ridiculously high. ****1/2 Now hopefully he doesn’t go to TNA and job to Hogan again.

The Pulse:

Everything that was supposed to deliver, delivered, and the main event was suitably epic and had the clean finish we needed. Huge thumbs up this year!

Thanks for all the participation though. Can never have too much of a good thing.

And the Challenge moves to Wrestlemania X-8 with the main event and one of their earlier contests.

Wrestlemania X8: The One and Only
From The SkyDome in Toronto, Ontario on March 17, 2002
Hosted by Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler.

Undisputed WWF Championship: Chris Jericho vs. Triple H

Jericho is accompanied by Stephanie McMahon for reasons I don’t know (he was the champion and she tended to stick with the champion). I didn’t watch any wrestling during this period so I couldn’t tell you how Jericho got the title or who won the Royal Rumble in 2002 (I know now, Jericho beat Austin and HHH on the same night). Sad but true. I can say that HHH is selling a leg injury because Jim Ross mentions it every 30 seconds. HHH has Drowning Pool perform a version of his entrance live…because he gets that privilege.

Jericho goes after the leg right away but HHH gets the early upper hand with a back body drop. Jericho lays in some chops but HHH comes back with the Harley Race knee. Uh oh, the knee is in pain after that move so Jericho sends HHH over the top rope and climbs to the top. HHH catches him, however, and toss him over the ring barricade. HHH then suplexes Jericho from the crowd area to the ringside floor as Ross is really overselling this injury. It’s already to the point of annoyance. HHH sets up a table top but Jericho goes to the leg and gets HHH back in the ring. A clip and Jericho continues working on the leg in the corner. HHH rallies back with a spear and HHH goes after Jericho’s leg to even the score. Three elbows on the knee for HHH, Jericho goes to the eye but HHH executes a kneebreaker. Figure four on Jericho but Stephy rakes HHH’s eyes. HHH goes after Steph and sidesteps Jericho’s spear, forcing him to hit Steph instead. HHH tosses Steph in the ring and prepares for the pedigree but Jericho comes off the top with a missile dropkick. Jericho goes back to the leg with a couple of wraparounds on the post. Steph adds in a cheap shot for good measure. Back in the ring Jericho lands an elbow on the knee and adds a knee wrench. Jericho with a couple of knee smashers and a wraparound the post. Steph smacks HHH and Jericho puts in the ringpost figure four, not as good as the one Bret Hart does. HHH tries to fight back but Jericho gives HHH a drop-toe hold and an Indian deathlock. Spinning toehold by Jericho and he uses the ropes for an advantage. Did I mention the crowd is completely apathetic as HHH kicks out of the hold and sends Jericho into the post? Jericho misses a clothesline and HHH hits a reverse neckbreaker. Jericho back to the leg but HHH delivers a clothesline and gets a two count. Kneesmasher by HHH does as much damage to himself as he does to Jericho.

Main Event spinebuster gets a two count for HHH. Corner whip is reversed twice over and HHH is sent over the turnbuckle and to the floor. Jericho sets up HHH on the WWF Americana table and tries to get the Walls on him but HHH kicks away and tries for the pedigree but Jericho back drops him through the WWF Deportes table. Poor guys. Back in the ring the lionsault gets two. Jericho goes for the Walls against but HHH fights it off, he sends Jericho into the turnbuckle and goes for the pedigree. Jericho pounds on the leg as a defense and finally slaps on the Walls. HHH goes for the ropes but Jericho pulls him back. A second time, however, and HHH gets to the ropes. Jericho grabs a chair while Steph has Hebner distracted. Jericho charges but HHH makes him eat the chair. DDT on the chair gets a near fall. Stephanie grabs the chair and tries to get Jericho disqualified but Hebner grabs the chair, Steph shoves the ref but HHH gives her a pedigree. All the while Jericho is recovered and thwaps HHH in the head with the chair shot and gets a near fall. The crowd actually woke up for that. Jericho goes for a pedigree but HHH counters with a slingshot but Jericho springboards on the middle turnbuckle and jumps into a boot. Pedigree hits flush and gets a three count for HHH. Crowd popped big for the pin but they were quiet otherwise (still exhausted from Rock-Hogan).

(HHH def. Jericho, ***, nothing special, certainly nowhere near the intensity and execution of their first PPV encounter in 2000. Still both guys were good enough to give me a watchable match).

The Challenger

Fully Loaded 2000
From the Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas
Hosted by Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler

Last Man Standing: Triple H vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho has his ribs tapes to sell a sledgehammer attack HHH gave him during an episode of RAW. HHH tries to jump Jericho but Lionheart is quick to the draw and clotheslines HHH twice before dropkicking him over the top. HHH gets on the ring apron but Jericho hits the springboard dropkick to send him back to the floor. They brawl on the floor with Jericho holding the upper hand. Jericho hits a back elbow off the top and goes for some ground and pound. Irish whip but Jericho sets too early and HHH hits the knee smasher on the injured ribs instead of the face. HHH clotheslines Jericho over the top and follows him out. Jericho sends HHH into the steps but charges and gets stun gunned on the ring barricade with a focus on the ribs. HHH slams Jericho on the steps and sends him back in the ring. HHH rips off some of the protective bandage and starts going ape shit on the injury. HHH corners Jericho and lays in the shoulders not once, not twice but fourteen times (!!). It’s cool when such a basic move can have such an impact with the psychology of selling. Irish whip and HHH gives Jericho the kitchen sink knee. He rips off the rest of his bandage and chokes him out with in. HHH with the CLASSIC~! Knee drop right on the ribs and an elbow drop. HHH dumps Jericho on the floor again and follows him out. He holds Jericho for Stephanie to slap him a few times (Jericho had been saying very mean things about her). HHH with a suplex on the floor. The ref starts a count but HHH cuts it off and brings him back to the ring. Short Jericho rally is cut off with an abdominal stretch and HHH adds punches to the ribs for extra effect (when HHH was good, he was damn good, he focused on every little intricate detail of a match).

After about a minute Jericho somehow counters with a hip toss and HHH shoves the ref out of frustration so the referee shoves back! And that really wakes up the crowd. The distraction helps Jericho attempt another rally as he hits a leg lariat but the lionsault hits double knees. HHH follows up with a DDT and lets the official count. He gets up to 8 but HHH jumps back on him and gets a sleeper with a body scissors (see what I mean about focusing on the little details). Referee starts counting again as HHH and Stephanie celebrate with a peck (don’t think they were officially dating yet). Jericho gets back up at nine and tells HHH to bring it. So HHH knocks him down. Jericho stands up again…and gets knocked down again. Jericho gets up again and tells HHH to suck it. HHH doesn’t like that one so he gives him a super pedigree. Jericho gets up at 9 so HHH grabs a chair and gives Jericho two wicked chair shots. He places the chair so he can give Jericho a second pedigree on the chair. The referee tries to stop HHH but the cerebral assassin shoves him out of the way. The distraction is long enough for Jericho to land a great low blow and grabs the chair. Jericho with a big-time chair shot right on the head and HHH taps a serious artery. Good blading job as he had his hand place on the head right as the chair came. Jericho rallies with his fists and a flying shoulder as the crowd senses a big comeback. Jericho gets cornered but catches a charging HHH and drops him with a missile dropkick from the center rope. Jericho does a little chair placement and gives HHH a springboard bulldog on the chair. The referee starts counting but Jericho wants none of it as he sends HHH over the top and to the floor.

Jericho follows HHH to the floor but gets sent into the ring steps. HHH going for a pedigree on the steps but Jericho counters with a back drop on the ring floor. Both men are groggy but grab TV monitors and hit each other at the same time. The referee does a double count but both men get up at 9. HHH goes for another pedigree but Jericho with a double leg and counters with the Walls of Jericho! HHH taps like a little bitch but there’s no pinfall or submission. HHH grabs the ropes but Jericho keeps the hold on and then pulls him back to the center of the ring (thank you!). Stephanie comes in to break the hold by going to Jericho’s eyes so he puts the Walls on her (massive crowd pop). The distraction lets HHH recover to clothesline Jericho in the back of the head and send him to the floor. Out on the floor HHH finds the sledgehammer but he misses the kill shot and Jericho double legs him and catapults him into the post. Jericho grabs the sledgehammer and goes right to the ribs. Jericho climbs on the time keepers table but HHH goes low and gives him a belly to back suplex off the timekeeper’s table through the announce table! Both men are out and the referee does the double count. HHH rises at nine just long enough before collapsing again to win the match.

(HHH def. Jericho, 10 count, ****3/4, not to the level of the HHH-Foley brawl at the Royal Rumble but REALLY damn close. Great stuff by both men as Jericho showed he had the goods like we all expected.)

The Decision

Match: Both men admit they were disappointed by the Wrestlemania match and said it was tough to follow up Rock-Hogan. Understood. The Fully Loaded match was one of the top 5 matches of 2000 in my opinion. HUGE EDGE: Fully Loaded

Storylines: The little I remember about the lead in to the Wrestlemania storyline was that Stephanie turned on HHH and there was a bulldog involved. Am I right? The lead in to the Fully Loaded match was Jericho fighting against the McMahon-Helmsley regime and constantly calling Stephanie a ‘bottom-feeding, trash-bag ho’. HHH was fighting for her honor and obviously he did a good job since 12 years later they are married with three kids. EDGE: Fully Loaded.

Intangibles: Most of us saw Jericho really find his groove in about February of 2000 forward as he had great matches with Kurt Angle and especially Chris Benoit. But we wanted to see Jericho against the established WWF guys that he had less familiarity with. Also while we knew HHH was going to go over, we were interested to see he could keep his hot streak of matches going (he did). If you remember this card was billed as a triple main event with three established guys vs. three of the newer stars (Angle-Undertaker, Rock-Benoit, HHH-Jericho). Rock and HHH really made Jericho and Benoit look like serious top-card threats while Undertaker inexplicably squashed Angle. So technically the Wrestlemania doesn’t happen without the Fully Loaded match. HUGE EDGE: Fully Loaded.

Verdict: Fully Loaded wins in a blowout baby!

Hi Scott,
A few random ones for your post-Wrestlemania mailbag…

1. Was there ever a John Cena vs. Hulk Hogan match in the works years back?  More frightening: do you think that is STILL an option, given Hogan-Vince’s penchant for money-based reconciliation?  I could totally see it if Cena wins this Sunday and declares himself the ‘biggest star ever’.

2. Did Steve Austin ‘refuse’ to work with Brock Lesnar in 2002-03 or was it Austin’s personal issues that prevented that match from happening?

3. The Rock has a history of being able to do high-profile jobs, yet cutting a promo and being right back on top.  Dude put over Lesnar in summer ’02 and had the highest-profile match on Wrestlemania 19; put over Goldberg clean the next month, returned at WM20 without a hitch.  Mick Foley put over everyone under the sun and maintained his credibility.  HHH’s longevity is another story entirely because of wholly unprecedented circumstances.  Is there anyone else you think fits this mold of guys who can maintain their top spot while doing high-profile jobs?  Conversely, are there guys who NEED to be handled with kid gloves in regards to jobs?

4. Do you think we will see Dave Batista in WWE again?

Eh, these are interesting questions, so we’ll do this as a pre-WM mailbag. 

1.  Never heard anything on that front.  I suppose you can never say never in wrestling, but Hogan’s hip is pretty destroyed and Vince had plenty of other opportunities to do “dream matches” with Hogan the last time he was under contract and only did a couple.  Plus, 6 years ago both Michaels and Orton had to lay down for Hogan, and there’s no fucking way John Cena is laying down for him, and nor should he.  So that would be right out. 

2.  Austin outright refused to do the job to Lesnar. 

3.  Undertaker has done a zillion jobs in recent years without losing an ounce of cred.  He’s done so many jobs without losing cred that most people don’t even think of him as someone who does jobs, which is weird.  Dude put over Great Khali, Big Show, Mr. Kennedy, CM Punk and tons of others, some of them clean as a sheet.  The guys who need kid gloves are the ones who aren’t allowed to get over on their own, which is to say everyone else.  Ziggler was looking like a main eventer in January, but he’s done job after job after job since then and now he’s already plummeting back to the midcard again.  And he gets no promo time to get himself over again.  Those are the guys you have to be the most careful with:  The ones JUST on the verge of breaking through.

4.  Yes.  But if not, he’ll make out OK.

I’ve turned off a bunch of plugins for the moment to smooth things out on the WordPress end, hopefully, but obviously that’s not a permanent solution. 

(So now by this point I’m falling into the pattern that would define my viewing habits for the next couple of years:  Watching WWE 24/7 instead of the regular programs, and only ordering Rumble/Chamber/Wrestlemania for PPVs, with the rest getting covered on 24/7 or DVD.  I ordered this show solely based on Shawn v. Undertaker, for those keeping track.) 

- Live from Houston, TX

- Your hosts are JR, Cole and the King

Money in the Bank: CM Punk v. MVP v. Shelton Benjamin v. Mark Henry v. Kane v. Finlay v. Kofi Kingston v. Christian

(They’re really getting to the weak sauce MITB matches now as far as star power goes, no?) Henry and Kane clear the ring to start, but a ladder from Christian & Shelton puts them down. Kofi does a nice acrobatic evasion of the ladder and dropkicks them down, and we get the first climb from Kane and Henry. Everyone gangs up on them to bring them down and then we get a mass-climb, which leads to the big men knocking the ladders over. Finlay manages to get rid of Henry and hits a suicide dive onto Kane outside, and we get a series of highspots from there. This concludes with Shelton diving off the top of a 15-foot ladder with a plancha, which is pretty awesome. Mark Henry actually teases a dive, but Finlay thankfully brings him down and then launches Hornswoggle off Henry’s back onto everyone else. Why would 6 guys do down off that? That doesn’t even make SENSE! (Midget physics are their own branch of studies in major universities.  It’s hard to get any serious work done, though, because everyone keeps running up to the front of the class and biting the professor on the ass.)  Kofi gets a good monkey-bar style attack on Finlay using the ladder, but dives and runs into a stepladder. Finlay climbs again and Kofi kicks him down, but Henry pushes him off the ladder. He just sucks the fun out of everything he touches. (Again, who would have thought I’d become a Mark Henry fan just 2 years after this?) Another tremendous Kofi spot sees Henry holding the ladder upright, which allows Kofi to climb up for the briefcase before Henry drops him again. Kofi’s like the new Shelton Benjamin here. (Yeah, the black guy who gets stuck in big matches to take bumps and then depushed immediately afterwards.)  Speaking of which, we get the mandated contrived ladder spot, as a ladder gets wedged between the rungs of another one, and MVP & Shelton work off that. Punk takes them out and climbs, but Christian follows and they tease a GTS off the ladder, which turns into a blown Unprettier instead. Well the thought was there, but they just couldn’t pull it off without breaking a neck. MVP climbs and Shelton does his usual crazy jungle gym climb to save, then they badly fuck up a powerbomb spot. Shelton recovers and powerbombs MVP out of the ring in another scary-looking spot. Shelton slugs it out with Finlay on top of the ladder, but Christian pulls them down. He and Shelton fight there and the ladder goes down, but Christian holds on and pulls himself up again. Punk saves, but gets hung up. Kane finally returns from Purgatory and climbs up to chokeslam Christian off, but Punk boots him down and repeats as MITB winner at 14:23. Kind of a big heel reaction for Punk, as I think the fans wanted someone new to win. As did I, I was hoping for MVP. Pretty fun opener, although Kane and Henry sucked the life out of it every time they were in and there were too many blown spots. ***1/4

- And speaking of sucking the life out of the place, here’s Kid Rock to do a medley of his shitty songs. Like, what a horrible place to do a 20-minute concert. (I suppose if you HAVE to do a concert, you might as well get it over with quickly, but man, who really wanted to hear a Kid Rock concert on PPV?)  It leads to the entrances of the 25 women for the battle royale, so it’s going from bad to worse here.

Miss Wrestlemania Battle Royale:

We don’t even get intros, and thankfully Mae Young is the guest timekeeper and not wrestling. The only one I can pick out is Santino in drag. Like seriously there’s a multitude of identical blondes out there with nothing to distinguish them. So after 5 minutes of punching and kicking we’re down to Santino, Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, Michelle Mccool and Melina. Michelle and Mickie eliminate each other, and Sanitno dumps Beth and Melina to win at 6:00. This gets him over as a giant babyface with the crowd. Sad and stupid, as the “legendary” divas they could bribe to come back didn’t even get an introduction. And was that even 25 people?  (Well they couldn’t even get the math right on the “25th anniversary” thing, so I see no reason why they’d get it right here either.) 

Chris Jericho v. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka & Ricky Steamboat

Mickey Rourke is hanging out with Frank Shamrock at ringside. Piper starts with Jericho and clotheslines him out of the ring for the brawl. Back in, Piper gets a dropkick (allegedly) and runs him into the turnbuckle, and it’s over to Snuka. Wait, I thought this was a gauntlet match? So now it’s an elimination handicap match? Snuka chops Jericho down quite sadly, and Steamboat comes in to fire things up with a flying chop and the armdrags. But it’s back to Snuka and the Walls finish him off at 3:46. (I bet he went home and showed this match to his daughter, Tamina, hoping to pass along some pointers for her.  Did you know that she’s the daughter of WWE legend Jimmy Snuka?) Piper jumps Jericho to break it up and goes to the eyes, which sets up the sleeper. Jericho breaks with the enzuigiri and gets the pin at 4:41. Steamboat comes in with the flying bodypress for two, but Jericho slugs him down and goes to a chinlock. Steamboat fights out and Jericho tosses him for one more skin the cat spot (which the camera MISSES) and Steamboat hits him with a pescado. Back in for the flying chop and a rollup for two. Jericho bulldogs him, but the Lionsault misses and Steamboat gets a powerslam for two. Jericho takes him down for the Walls, but Dragon reverses to a small package for two, which gets a GIANT reaction. Codebreaker finishes at 8:53, however. Holy cow, sign this Ricky Steamboat kid, he’s pretty good! This was way better than it had any right to be thanks to Ricky. **1/2 Like wow, ancient Steamboat was out there working his ASS off and got this stupid match over. Ric Flair is so upset that he charges in and beats on Jericho, but gets his ass kicked in short order. So he calls out Mickey Rourke for an apology (yeah, challenge the guy sitting next to FRANK SHAMROCK, real smart). So they do a quick boxing match and Jericho goes down. As we all expected. (The Jericho-Steamboat rematch at Extreme Rules was pretty decent, too.  This whole storyline was balls, however.) 

- The National Guard: TORNADO KILLERS. Well I guess the rest of the tornado-ravaged world is boned.

Extreme Rules: Jeff Hardy v. Matt Hardy

Jeff is so mad he uses the CARDBOARD POSTER OF DEATH on Matt as they brawl on the floor, and Jeff hits a dive into the railing. Into the ring, Jeff tries the Whisper in the Wind, but Matt counters with a chair on the way down to take over. He chokes away on the ropes and hits him with the SHOP VAC OF DOOM for two. Side Effect on the chair gets two. Matt chokes away in the corner and sets up a table on the floor, but Jeff comes back with a clothesline off the apron and sends Matt into the stairs. And then it gets EXTREME as Jeff brings a crutch and another garbage can into it. He puts the can on Matt’s head and beats him with the crutch, which is less impressive after Hulk Hogan’s show completely exposed it as the wussiest spot in wrestling. (Vince should hire Hogan on again, just to do Celebrity Championship Wrestling season 2 on the WWE Network should it ever launch.)  Jeff misses the swanton and Matt gets the Twist of Fate for two. He goes up to finish, but Jeff blocks and brings him down with a superplex and puts him on the floor with a chairshot. The table gets involved as Jeff puts Matt on it, then stacks a chair and another table on top of him. And to the shock of myself, Matt DOESN’T move and Jeff is able to splash through both tables and onto Matt. Back in, that gets two. And here comes the ladders. Jeff leapfrogs from one over another, but misses a legdrop and splats on the mat. And Matt wedges Jeff’s head in a chair and finishes with a Twist of Fate at 13:10. Kind of weird that the Hardyz just don’t have huge amounts of chemistry together. This was good, though, with crazy bumps and a good finish, but people just don’t want to see them fight. ***1/2  (People don’t want to see them drive, either.  And by people, I mean mostly members of the police.) 

Intercontinental title: JBL v. Rey Mysterio

Rey’s superhero motif this year: The Joker. (Weird that he would switch from Marvel to DC, but I guess it was the year of The Dark Knight.) JBL lays Rey out during the instructions, but a 619 and splash finish at 0:21 and give Rey the title. Well, there’s your Wrestlemania moment for JBL. DUD As expected, JBL quits after the loss. I’m broken up about that.  (JBL is one of the few guys to retire and stay there thus far.) 

- Three matches left to save the show.

Shawn Michaels v. Undertaker

Shawn descends from the heavens on a chariot, dressed in white and accompanied by an angelic chorus. Now there’s an entrance. Shawn sticks and moves with chops to start, but Taker grabs his hand and tosses him into the corner to stop that. Shawn throws a crotch chop and fakes a knee injury to buy time, but UT pounds him in the corner. Shawn comes back with chops, but gets backdropped out of the corner as the crowd is pretty seriously torn here. Taker with a press slam (!) and an elbow for two. He works the arm and we go old school, but a blind charge misses and Taker rams his knee into the corner. Shawn with a kneecrusher and he gets an Indian deathlock (which Michael Cole calls a figure-four), but Taker fights up. Shawn dropkicks the knee, but runs into a bearhug, and Taker runs him into the corner and slugs away on him. He follows with a pair of corner clotheslines and Snake Eyes into the big boot, and the legdrop gets two. He goes for the chokeslam, but Shawn takes him down into a crossface. Taker rolls him over for two, but Shawn hangs on. Taker finally breaks with a sideslam for two. Shawn fires back with chops and gets the flying forearm. He comes back with a pair of atomic drops and a clothesline, but he comes off the top and lands in a chokeslam. Shawn tries the superkick and Taker counters to the GoGoDancer, but Shawn makes the ropes and bails. Taker tries the guillotine legdrop and misses, but then Shawn goes up for the moonsault press and whiffs on that as well. OUCH. Taker tries to hit him with the tope con hilo, but Shawn pulls a cameraman into the way and Taker kills him instead. That was a crazy spot. So Shawn hauls the dead ref back into the ring and DEMANDS that he count Undertaker out. The crowd does not like that. He makes it back in at nine.

And now it’s EVIL SHAWN as he cues up the superkick, but Taker kills him dead with the chokeslam…and gets two. Shawn tries another superkick, Taker counters, but Shawn gets it this time and gets two. Taker fights up again for the powerbomb, but Shawn counters to a sunset flip, and Taker hits it on a second try for two. The crowd is just losing their shit now and I can’t blame them. Taker goes up and misses an elbow now for the double count. Shawn is up first, but Taker tosses him, and Shawn skins the cat…but Taker catches him with the tombstone…for TWO. Holy fuck! I would have bet a million dollars on that being the finish. Taker PULLS DOWN THE STRAP and goes for the kill, but Shawn was goldbricking and reverses the tombstone attempt into a tornado DDT. Still selling like he’s dead and just running on adrenaline, Shawn crawls to the top and drops the flying elbow, and sets up the superkick to a MASSIVE heel reaction. Superkick hits clean and gets two. Finally they just fight up and punch the shit out of each other, but Shawn goes down to a big boot. Awesome. Another tombstone attempt, but Shawn slides out and fires more chops. Taker comes back and hits boot on a blind charge, and Shawn tries to go up again. Moonsault is caught and the tombstone makes Undertaker 17-0 at 30:40. FUCKING AWESOME. This was worth the $55 and then some, as it started good and just kept getting better and better. ***** I thought I was gonna have a heart attack with the gigantic strong style near-falls at the end. I think my screen just went black because the show has been STOLEN.  (Did someone check Cryme Tyme’s trunk?)

RAW (?) World title: Edge v. John Cena v. Big Show

There is no way they’re gonna follow that shit, man. HHH should have sucked it up and gone second from the top. John Cena gets quite the entrance, as an army of Cena clones comes out to his original “Word Life” entrance music before the real guy comes out to the current theme. Crowd still boos the shit out of him, of course. Cena bulldogs Edge to start, but bounces off Show. Edge wants a truce with Show, but gets whomped as a result. Cena tries a quick FU, but Show boots them down to break it up. So Edge heads out of the ring and we get Cena v. Show, as Big Show pounds away, but gets dumped by Cena. Cena follows with the guillotine legdrop to the floor, which is a pretty cool spot. Back in, Cena tries the FU, but Edge reverses to a DDT for two. Edge goes up and Cena slugs him down, but Show catches him with a sideslam for two. They slug it out and Chavo suddenly pulls Cena out of the ring, but he eats an FU as a result. Back in, Cena ties Show in the ropes and hits Edge with shoulderblocks to set up the FU, but Vickie gets involved and Edge spears her by mistake. Cena rolls up Edge for two off that. Show frees himself and chops everyone, then goes for a double chokeslam, but Cena escapes and tries another FU. Show puts him down and out with the knockout punch. Out on the floor, Edge hits Show with a DDT and then dives off the stairs at him, sending them both crashing through the barricade and into the crowd. So with Show out, Edge heads back in and spears Cena, but it’s reversed into the STFU. Show breaks that up, so Edge and Cena team up and clothesline him out of the ring. Then Edge turns on Cena and gets two. Cena comes back with the Throwback and goes up, but Show shoves Cena down and Edge spears him on the way down. Nice little double-team. Edge goes after Show with a sleeper, but Cena gets the WTF spot by picking both up for the FU. Edge escapes, but Cena hits him with another FU, onto Show,and pins Show to win the title at 14:40. Fine but forgettable, as they never really clicked together and I still don’t get why they couldn’t just do Edge v. Cena. ***  (Because they were trying to transition to Cena v. Big Show, which turned out to be the worst idea in the history of mankind.) 

- And yet another weirdly-timed segment, as they bring out the Legends before the main event. And then Austin sheds his tux and drives a quad down to the ring for his beer-drinking celebration.

Smackdown (?) World title: HHH v. Randy Orton

HHH tosses his sledgehammer through a giant mirror as part of his entrance, which can’t be good luck. Apparently the deck is now even more stacked, as the DQ and countout rules have been waived. As if they’d book a DQ finish in a Wrestlemania main event anyway. (Well, they did book a double countout two years after this.)  HHH stomps away in the corner to start, but Orton strikes like a VIPER with an RKO out of nowhere. Orton sets up for the punt, but it’s KICK WHAM PEDIGREE and both guys are out. So they recover and brawl to the floor, where HHH grabs someone’s bottle of water to revive himself and heads back in. Back to the floor for another brawl and Orton meets the post. Back in, Orton begs off, but HHH stomps him and catapults him under the bottom rope before going to work on the neck. Kneedrops are followed by a clothesline and a neckbreaker, and Orton bails again. They brawl and HHH gets whipped into the railing as we get some cross-talk from the director on the feed. Crowd is pretty bored with all this thus far. Back in, Orton goes to work on the neck as the crowd gets distracted by a fight of some sort and this thing just dies faster and faster. Orton tries the CHINLOCK OF DEATH, but HHH counters out with a backdrop suplex as we slow it down even FURTHER. Orton gets a powerslam for two and goes to his favourite chinlock. They slug it out and HHH gets the high knee and follows with a corner clothesline, but Orton blocks the Pedigree with a catapult into the corner. HHH bounces out of there with a clothesline for two, however. They head up for a slugfest and Orton drops him on the top rope, but goes up and lands on HHH’s foot. HHH tries another Pedigree and Orton counters for two. HHH with a rollup for two. Spinebuster and another Pedigree attempt is reversed into the neckbreaker by Orton, and that gets two. HHH goes up and gets dropkicked on the way down, although that missed by a mile even without seeing the replay. Orton sets up for the punt, but HHH catches the foot and dumps him out of the ring, which is a pretty blah spot off a dramatic counter like that. HHH preps the tables and tries a Pedigree, but Orton backdrops him onto the main table…and it doesn’t break. Ouch. Kind of fitting for this trainwreck of a match. Orton follows with the DDT off the table and we do the dramatic countout tease, which unlike the Shawn-Undertaker match draws absolutely no reaction from the crowd. Back in, Orton stomps him down and coils like a VIPER, then changes his mind and slugs away in the corner instead, because that’s more boring. And of course the ref gets bumped and it’s RKO time. Orton goes for a sledgehammer, but HHH punts him on the way back into the ring. HHH uses the hammer (to a heel reaction) and gets rid of it, but again they’ve got no follow-through, as HHH just slugs away on the mat with the ref out. The ref pulls him off, and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes clean at 23:32. Man, they really stunk the joint up there. This was Jericho-HHH all over again, as the real main event went two matches before and they couldn’t follow it. Boring match, weak, anti-climactic ending. **1/2  (That was exceedingly generous, actually.  I’d go even lower upon further reflection, like *1/2)

The Pulse

I’m kind of torn now, because Shawn-UT was just so awesome and a lot of the other stuff was really good, but the two main events just couldn’t sustain the momentum, and in the case of HHH’s match, actually killed the show dead. I’d say download Shawn v. Undertaker (or buy it when it inevitably ends up on 18 different DVD compilations) but the rest is definitely not Wrestlemania-caliber.

Thumbs in the middle.  (Agreed.  Two pretty weak Wrestlemanias in a row here.) 

-Vince McMahon and Jerry “the King” Lawler are in the booth and they are continuing the taping in New Haven, Connecticut.

-Opening Contest:  Flash Funk (w/The Funkettes) pins The Goon after a Tumbleweed variation at 5:31 shown:

2 Cold Scorpio was one of those guys that didn’t need to be repackaged during this era because around this time the WWF was already adopting a grittier feel.  Then again, the WWF wants to put its stamp on things, so that’s probably what ushered in the pimp gimmick.  This is a standard TV match, with the Goon controlling a lot of the offense and Funk getting a few high spots like a moonsault and a leg drop off the second rope.  There’s not really any psychology, but the point is to build momentum for Funk and let Bill Irwin collect checks for putting over the stars of the New Generation.  Rating:  *½

-Steve Austin rants about people getting involved in his business in London, England.

-The Fake Diesel defeats Phineas Godwinn (w/Hillbilly Jim) with a Jackknife at 3:43:

Jim Ross joins the commentary team since he’s the quasi management partner for these fake characters.  As the match starts, McMahon takes the time to reflect upon the recent death of Tiny Tim and they show clips of Lawler breaking his ukulele back in 1993.  This is a match that you think Phineas might win, but then you realize that the Fake Razor and Diesel have a tag team title match at the next In Your House so you are quickly relieved of that notion.  Diesel still needs outside interfere from the Fake Razor to avoid a Slop Drop, though, and he nearly kills Phineas with the finisher.  This wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be, but that’s not saying a whole lot.  Rating:  ½*

-Shawn Michaels talks to Vince McMahon from a WWF studio somewhere.  He says he doesn’t mind that Sid used a video camera on him at Survivor Series, but that he takes exception for when it was used on Jose Lothario.  He says that he’s a man’s man, which is an angle the WWF is really trying to sell right now for Michaels character.  All of this hype about Shawn being a “man’s man” is coming off really forced.

-Call 1-900-737-4WWF to hear who won big and who lost big on the recent Middle East tour!

-Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw (w/Uncle Zebekiah) beat “The Real Double J” Jesse James with a lariat after Zebekiah grabs James’ foot when he runs the ropes at 5:55

If you didn’t get enough of “With My Baby Tonight” in June and July 1995 you can hear more of it when watching some Jesse James matches in 1996 and 1997.  This starts as a very sloppy midcard match, with James botching a body press and Bradshaw not doing a blind charge in the corner when he’s supposed to.  It builds from there into a decent encounter, but the WWF doesn’t seem to be abandoning the Bradshaw experiment, despite not knowing what to do with him.  This marked for the fans that James character had hit a ceiling and he was going to be permanently relegated to the midcard.  I’m not complaining about that, though, because there’s only so far you can go with a gimmick like that.  Rating:  *½

-In the Karate Fighters Holiday Tournament we have a scheduled semi-final between Sid and Mr. Perfect.  However, Sid has left the tournament after becoming WWF Champion and Mr. Perfect isn’t in the company anymore because Hunter Hearst-Helmsley got the better of him, so Lawler and Pettengill are going to replace them.  Lawler beats Pettengill and gets a spot in the finals next week.

-Steve Austin’s attack on Bret Hart on last week’s show, which was interrupted by the British Bulldog, is shown.  A subsequent confrontation between the Bulldog and Austin in London is shown along with Bret saving the Bulldog from a Sid powerbomb at the same show.  Austin, the Bulldog, Bret Hart, and Sid cut promos against each other, which explain why they don’t like each other.

-Leif Cassidy’s moonsault on Scott Taylor on WWF Superstars is the Footaction Slam of the Week.

-“Wildman” Marc Mero & Jake “the Snake” Roberts (w/Sable) defeat Hunter Hearst-Helmsley (Intercontinental Champion) & Billy Gunn after Mero pins Helmsley following a Wild Thing at 12:09 shown:

This match is a result of the end of last week’s match between Mero and Gunn, but its purpose is to continue to build the Mero-Helmsley issue.  Helmsley spends a great deal of the match avoiding Mero and the heels make Roberts take most of the punishment.  Mero gets to come to the rescue after the hot tag and scores another pinfall on Helmsley in a tag match, continuing a pattern that began at the Survivor Series a couple of weeks ago.  Roberts just can’t go anymore by this point and it made the match tough to get into until Mero made the hot tag.  Rating:  *

-Tune in next week for a no holds barred match between the Undertaker and Mankind!  Also, Sid faces Hunter Hearst-Helmsley in a champion vs. champion match, Jesse James faces Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw and Uncle Zebekiah in a handicap match, and Goldust collides with Bart Gunn!  That’s a pretty loaded card for a 1996 edition of Raw.

The Final Report Card:  This was the failed characters of 1996 episode of Raw as the Goon, Flash Funk, the Fake Diesel, and the “Real Double J” Jesse James saw action.  The tag team main event also wasn’t anything to write home about, but it’s really tough to criticize the guys involved because they were at a four show TV taping and had other matches to wrestle on the card.

Monday Night War Rating:  2.3 (vs. 3.4 for Nitro)

Show Grade:  Thumbs Down

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

Live from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler, plus Booker T because they were shooting Smackdown matches anyway.

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan & Kane

Oddly, the graphics show Orton, Sheamus and Bryan as Smackdown wrestlers, but Kane gets a RAW graphic for his name.  At what point did Kane move to RAW, exactly?  Orton makes out with AJ, but can’t use the inspiration to put Orton down.  Orton gets the Garvin Stomp and a clothesline for two, but Bryan tags out to Kane when Sheamus comes in.  Sheamus goes after Kane’s leg, but gets elbowed down, and Kane drops an elbow for one.  Sheamus goes up with the battering ram for one, but stops to chase Bryan and gets hit with a flying knee off the apron by Bryan.  And we take a break. Back with Bryan beating on Sheamus in the corner, but a blind charge misses and it’s hot tag Orton.  Powerslam for Bryan into the draping DDT, but Kane pulls Bryan out to save him.  This leads to Orton and Kane brawling  until Bryan gets a cheapshot, and Orton is YOUR douchbag in peril.  Kane with the corner clothesline for two.  Sideslam gets two.  Kane to the top with the flying clothesline, but Orton makes the hot tag to Sheamus.  He runs wild on Bryan and dumps Kane, leaving Sheamus and Bryan alone.  AJ comes in to plead for her man’s safety, and Kane chokeslams Sheamus behind the ref’s back to give Bryan the pin at 11:33.  Good long match to open the show.  ***1/4

Michael Cole joins us in the ring to announce that he has been named OFFICIAL COMMENTATOR for Team Johnny.  So Johnny Ace introduces the Official Flagbearer Vickie Guerrero (that’s gotta be a gigantic rib on Big Johnny) and David Otunga for a match, I guess.

David Otunga v. Santino Marella

Yay, this again.  Santino gets a facelock, but Otunga nails him with a clothesline from behind and stops to get into a flag-waving contest with Hornswoggle.  Naturally this leads to the Cobra at 1:25.  Santino is about to give Johnny the Cobra as well, but Miz attacks him to save, thus earning himself a spot on the team.  As with all the other GM battle segments, this was basically just an angle and not a match.

Hell In A Cell video package.  Still no word on HHH putting his career on the line, so I guess it’s not happening.

Eve Torres v. Kelly Kelly

I was really hoping the token Divas match would be AJ getting the belt from Beth Phoenix to pay off that storyline, but I guess that’s post-Wrestlemania.  That’s also more evidence that Bryan will retain the title, because the two of them as World champions would be too awesome for one show to contain.  Kelly gets a rollup for two, but Eve takes over with an armbar.  Kelly gets her stupid spinning headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but Eve shoves her down and then misses a moonsault, allowing Kelly to get the pin at 2:25.  If anyone cared about the Divas I’d say they should have put the heat on the heels before Wrestlemania, but there’s no illusions about it being any more than a bathroom break after Hell in a Cell anyway.

CM Punk v. Christian

Sadly, this is not the promised ONE MORE MATCH for Christian in exchange for his patronage on Team Johnny.  Chris Jericho appears and now has information about Punk’s mother:  She’s a kind and decent person with no vices whatsoever.  However, his parents were married late, so Punk is legally a bastard.  So with that, Christian attacks and tosses him, and pays the price when Punk kicks the shit out of him, showing fire he hasn’t had in months.  And he finishes the beating with a GTS onto the stairs, as the match is basically a no-contest with Punk snapping and putting the Vice on Christian until the ref pulls him off.  So now we know that Punk is PISSED and means business on Sunday.  Good stuff.

Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins

Shouldn’t Clay have moved up to the next tier of jobbers by now?  Hawkins clips him and actually gets a near-fall on him, but Clay bulldozes him with the usual and finishes with the splash at 0:55.

Big Show v. Primo

Are they seriously using the tag champions as job guys now?  Show tosses him around and chokeslams him at 0:41.  Epico takes one as well, but more importantly Cody Rhodes has a promo to cut.  And also, Christian is once again “injured” via Punk, so Team Johnny needs yet another final mystery member.

Meanwhile, the Bella Twins take different sides in the GM war, and Zack Ryder continues being a moron with Eve.

Mark Henry v. The Great Khali

Khali chops him down, but Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam at 0:41 to represent Team Johnny.  This proves to be merely a backdrop for a huge brawl between the two teams, as we now learn that Drew McIntyre is replacing Christian, and Booker T is the newest member of Team Teddy.

And finally, The Rock is out for the final verbal showdown with John Cena before Wrestlemania.  Rock talks about how everyone bugged him for 7 years about coming back again and how Betty White was throwing herself at him.  John Cena comes out for the rebuttal:  Everyone hates him, but he’s gonna win, and he’s been around for the longest and he’ll continue to be around after the Rock leaves again.  They don’t like each other, and they’ll see each other at Wrestlemania.  Good enough.

The Pulse:

Wow, that show was a whole lot of nothing. See you Sunday for Wrestlemania.