John Travolta is in a new movie called From Paris With Love and he plays a tough guy or something. “A WHAT?! John Travolta as a tough guy?”
I guess. I dunno.

But it’s kinda difficult to accept him as a bad-ass when he looks like a cross between hairstylist Paul Mitchell and toilet-scrubbing Mr. Clean. He’s even got a hoop earring just like Mr. Clean! A middle-aged John Travolta’s gonna come to your house and clean your toilet — with a bazooka! Oohsoscared!

People like myself, who have plenty of time to speculate on unimportant things, wonder if the bald look is going to become his new look for a while, and if he is abandoning the much mocked hair plugs or wig that he’s been wearing for a few years. Then again, I really don’t care to invest too much thought in John Travolta’s hairline, so I must politely excuse myself now.

[c] 2010 Russ of America

The entity known as The State of California is nuts. They’re mad at me because, I guess, in 2008 I didn’t declare my tax refund as income. I’m not sure how it qualifies as income. I didn’t have to work for it. I didn’t have to hustle or fight for it. I just typed in some numbers and they sent me a bunch of money. That qualifies as income? How do I do it again? Is there a website I can go to where I can keep typing in numbers and the State of California will send me more income? I don’t mind. It took me about an hour to file my taxes and they sent me a cool thousand bucks. I’d DEFINITELY do that again.

I call The State of California nuts because they’ve put me in a really stupid position. When I filed my taxes in 2008 everything was cool. They liked the information I provided, they said that everything was kosher, my tax preparation software didn’t send up any red flags, California accepted my e-file. But now California is mad at me. If the State of California wanted a portion of that refund money, they should’ve just kept the shit. This is why I think you’re nuts, California. It’s crazy to give me back a bunch of money that I don’t owe you, and then get mad at me because you think that you’re entitled to a portion of that money that I didn’t owe you to begin with.

I can only imagine the consequences if we treated our loved ones this way.
“Here you go, baby, I bought you a burrito.”
“Ooooh! Burrito! My fave! Here come the fresh burps! Thank you so much for the burrito. Nom nom. MM, that was good.”
“You didn’t eat the entire burrito.”
“You’re right, I have some leftovers. I’ll tell you what: I want you to have the rest of my burrito.”
“Wow, that’s a pretty hefty chunk of burrito. Are you sure you don’t want it?”
“Oh my love, I’ve eaten my fair share of this burrito and I am happy to let you have the rest, as you clearly bought me a burrito too large for my needs.”
“That’s very sweet of you, baby. Nom nom nom nom. That leftover burrito was delicious!”
“Wait, you ate the rest of the burrito?”
“Of course! You gave it to me because you said you’d already eaten your fair share.”
“Well you could have offered me a few more bites.”
“You’re fucking nuts. Get out of my goddamn house.”

Or another scenario at McDonald’s:
“Okay, that’s a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a medium fry and a medium Diet Coke. That’ll be $15.37.”
“Here’s a twenty.”
“Okay, out of twenty, your change is one, two, three, four, five sixty-three.”
“Excuse me ma’am, you gave me an extra dollar.”
“Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry. Thank you for returning it.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I notice that you haven’t left yet. Is there something else I can help you with, sir?”
“You gave me an extra dollar.”
“Yes, and you gave it back to me. Thank you very much.”
“That’s income. Now you have to give me twenty cents.”
“Are you out of your fucking mind?”
“Yes. I’m the State of California.”

[c] 2010 Russ of America

I don’t understand this tip-your-mailman-at-Christmas shit.

The mailman never brings me any good news; He only brings me garbage and bills. Sometimes he brings me the latest information about local savings on fresh chicken thighs, but that’s hardly his fault.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t shoot the messenger. So I won’t! I will NOT shoot the mailman. But if you can’t SHOOT the messenger, you also shouldn’t have to TIP the messenger.

Anyhow, I have a moral objection to tip any government employee who can’t either get me out of jail or legalize something, and who has a retirement plan and full medical. Maybe I’ll give him some chicken thighs.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Recently, former Alaskan Governor and future presidential wannabe Sarah Palin was spotted in Hawaii wearing a 2008 McCain presidential campaign visor with McCain’s name blacked-out. “Incognito,” Palin said, was the look she was going for. Because there’s nothing visually peculiar about a woman with a giant blotch of magic marker on her hat, right? Nothing that would make you do a double-take and ask, “What the fuck does that shit say?” And it’s not like Hawaii has any gift shops where a wealthy famous person could buy a new visor. But she wasn’t dissing John McCain — that’s a fact. When I cross out the names of MY friends, it’s affection. But I’m just sayin’!

Anyhow, I’m not certain Ms. Palin knows what incognito means, so I will take it upon myself to help elucidate through sarcasm, satire and condescending language.

If Palin had completed her first term as Governor of Alaska, it’s conceivable that her undercover state troopers would be super incognito driving this:

And undercover Juneau Police officers might look like this:

“I’m just a regular man in a solid-black outfit driving a regular Crown Victoria with decals of mountains on it….
KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! GET ON THE GROUND! DO IT NOW!” [taze taze taze]

And if Mayan doomsday predictions don’t come to fruition and we’re all alive in 2012 to vote for Palin, what might her cryptographic presidential correspondences look like?

And finally, I’m a helpful lad, so here are two disguise recommendations for Sarah Palin’s Project Incognito. How about this attractive visor?

See? It says quite clearly that you are NOT going rogue, so nobody would assume that you are Sarah Palin. And then there’s my favorite:

Palin hates varmints, right?

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Tiger’s got 99 problems, but unlike Jay-Z, women seem to be all 99 of his problems. This is my official acknowledgment of the whole Tiger Woods affair — Excuse me, I meant situation — The whole Tiger Woods affair situation:

“Blah blah Tiger Woods, blah blah, rock star?! Blah blah he think he is? Robert Plant? Blah blah Eazy-E? Blah blah, golf? Are you kidding me? Fuckin’ golf?!”

Tiger’s women troubles seem to have been foretold by a “Make It Shine With Brawny” billboard at Disney’s California Adventure, which my Bebbeboo happened to notice. Now I understand why Tiger Woods always looks like he’s about to cry!

Photo provided by Monkeyjenn of Flickr via Creative Commons License. Thanks Monkeyjenn!

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America (and Monkeyjenn)
Note: This photo has been shooped. You can tell by the pixels. I added the Nike logo and I
Caucasized the woman in the foreground, because Tiger prefers it that way. She looked bi-racial,
but I figured that for this post she could stand to get closer to her Caucasoid roots for a minute.

Esteemed television actress Meredith Baxter, who portrayed Elyse Keaton on 1980s hit sit-com Family Ties, recently revealed during a slightly awkward Today Show segment that she is a Lesbian. But for those of us who have been following her IMDB history over the years, this is no new revelation. Why, just looking at the names of some of the projects she’s worked on over the years, it is clear that she has been trying to tell us something for a very long time:

Bound by a Secret (2009)
“Half & Half” (2004)
The Wednesday Woman (2000)
Let Me Call You Sweetheart (1997)
“The Rosie O’Donnell Show” (1997)
Betrayed: A Story of Three Women (1995)
My Breast (1994)
A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story (1992)
Bump in the Night (1991)
Jezebel’s Kiss (1990)
The Kissing Place (1990)
Kate’s Secret (1986)
The Two Lives of Carol Letner (1981)
Little Women (1978)
“Police Woman” (1976)
The Impostor (1975)
The Stranger Who Looks Like Me (1974)
Stand Up and Be Counted (1972)

But LULz aside, congratulations Ms. Baxter for having the courage to talk publicly about your private life. This blog and its sole writer wish you and your partner success, happiness, health, legions of support and good fortune.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

This post is a derivative, friendly tribute to Garfield Minus Garfield.

Russ of America

 

This Christmas be sure to fight to the death for the most popular toy to hit store shelves:
The Tickle Me Olmos Plush Doll!

Squeeze his tummy and Edward James Olmos will recite all of his most popular movie lines.

Chale homes!

[c] 2009 Russ of America

When I was in 7th grade my friends and I made a daily habit of crank-calling people. We’d congregate around the white Panasonic speakerphone and dial local numbers randomly. We’d usually keep it to a few prefixes that we were familiar with. We had a few routines that were fun. I liked to start out the conversation by asking them who THEY were. Which is why, to this day, if a caller begins the call with “Hi, who is this?” I always respond, “I give up.”

[ring ring]
“Hello?”
“Hi, who’s this?”
“This is Dorothy, who is this?”
“This is Mike.”
“Oh hi, Mike!”

Everybody knew a Mike.

But one of my favorite exchanges would go something like this:

[ring ring]
“Hello?”
“Hi [blah blah blah, crank call scheme, blah blah blah, we laugh]”
“Who is this? How did you get this number?”
“What do you mean how did I get this number?”
“How did you get this number? This phone # is unlisted!”
“We dialed it randomly.”
“But it’s unlisted!”
“Okay.”
“So how did you call me?”
“What do you mean? We dialed you randomly.”
“Tell me how you got this number.”
“I did tell you. I don’t think that you understand the concept of random.”
“Don’t you be smart with me!”
“We live in your area code. We picked a prefix and then dialed four random numbers.”
“But this phone number is unlisted!”
“Okay. Well, we were able to get through, sooo…”
“I don’t know who you are or how you got this number, but I don’t want you ever calling here again! And I’m going to have this phone number changed!”
“Okay…”
[click]

This happened on many occasions. Ah, sophisticated adults!

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

(click image for full size)

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Snuggies already look like day-glo robes from a freak religious cult. But throw in a couple of overly-enthusiastic white people dancing in the kitchen with lunatic grins and, well, just look at the photo.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Blogging metrics are so important to anyone who tries to make people laugh via blogging. I was fortunate to see a ridiculous exponential jump in hits to my Cleft Deodorant post on November 7th. All of the hits came from StumbleUpon, though I’m unsure why it jumped so quickly. It was deliciously insane! While the status quo has been resumed, I hope that the visitors come back and find something else amusing after checking out my #1 Favorite Posts. Thanks for visiting!

With love,
RCoA

Ah, Halloween! As far as I’m concerned, it’s the purest of all the holidays, because it doesn’t matter who you are or what god you believe in; If you’re a kid and you’re dressed up real cute in Halloween gear, you’re gonna get some candy. It’s the only time of year when people really DO give without any expectation of something in return, whether it be cranberry sauce, pastel candies, flowers or gifts. But, like most other holidays, there is a heavy commercial presence. Costumes are store-bought and many are licensed from comic books, movies and books as you will see below. I wanted to help celebrate the awesome joy of Halloween, but I also wanted to protect the identities of the children involved and avoid any legal hassles from sharpshooter corporate legal teams. So I’m redacting the faces of the kids as well as all trademarked logos and images.

Happy Halloween!

Awww! The kid on the far right is hilarious with his goofy smile. He’s not wearing his mask, which could be problematic for this crime-fighting arachnid, but he really is cute! In the middle is a basketball player for the ********* *********. Going by the large 23 on his jersey he’s obviously ****** *****. I have no idea who the kid on the left is supposed to be. I’ve redacted the back of her head because certain characteristics could cause her to be identified.

Oh man, is this little guy adorable or what? I think it’s really cool that he went for the vintage ****** costume instead of the 2009 **** ****** era costume. The 1960s version is considered to be campy, but I always loved the yellow and gray. But how come he’s not wearing his cowl? The woman on the left is stoked to see this handsome little guy, no doubt because he reminds her of good television hours invested in her youth. The girl from the first picture makes another appearance here. I still can’t tell what she’s supposed to be. Can you? The adults behind them are eager to score the most candy possible from the woman on the left. Great encouragement, but the kid’s gonna need his cowl to score maximum trick-or-treat points!

Now these kids have done something a little different. Their masks are fairly simple — just different animal snouts over their own snouts. No heavy commercialism here, aside from the sweatshirts and jackets and t-shirts that they’re all wearing, which are saturated with corporate brands and slogans. But the costumes themselves exude rogue simplicity! I’m not sure what the kid in the red sweatshirt is going for though. He’s the only one not wearing a snout, as you can see. It appears that someone tried to turn his sweatshirt into a kind of cape, but they did it all wrong because the arms are still free. The effort reminds me of my youth when we’d convert black t-shirts to ninja hoods and roam the streets in search of pornography.

Wow! It’s a slew of princesses and only one female superhero! How sad that only one girl in the bunch has parents who taught her not to buy into anti-feminist ****** propaganda. Where the other girls will grow up thinking that it’s okay to perceive themselves as princesses, get plastic surgery, wear oversized “bitch goggles” sunglasses, get tramp stamps and date men who overtly resent them, this one girl (front center) will grow up to understand that she is powerful and capable of establishing her own destiny instead of building her future upon a foundation of archaic gender stereotypes. Yeah, I know, Halloween is about dress-up, but are the kids buying the costumes, or are the adults buying the costumes? Looks like mommy is trying to fulfill her childhood princess through her daughter instead of building her up like she ought to!

And finally, a mad-dash for the last call for chocolate. This mishmash entourage bumrushes the door for the final handout of candy goodness. Dolls, fairies, angels, vampires and a boy made of ferrous metal. Ah, Halloween, the most precious and the purest of all the American holidays!

[c] 2009 Russ of America
Images used under Creative Commons License – Attribution, Non-Commercial, ShareAlike
1 & 2 courtesy of El Destructo – Flickr
3 courtesy of Rapid City Public Library – Flickr
4 courtesy of Little Koshka – Flickr
5 courtesy of PDub – Flickr

Happy 40th birthday, Internet!

For all you technophiles, here is a copy of the first email volley ever written. These five email messages were hacked out in 1971 and sent across the fledgling Arpanet. And while Internet lore suggests that Roy Tomlinson may have been involved, this cannot be proven in a court of law, so we’ll assume that he had nothing to do with these exchanges.

Click to view the large version.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Click To View Full Version

[c] 2009 Russ of America

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Legendary director Alfred Hitchcock presents his greatest motion picture spectacle.

[c] 2009 Russ of America and Ron Corcillo

The world’s most popular search engines send me tons of visitors who have tons of jackoff-related questions. Here are more examples of their helpless queries and my helpful replies:

Q: can i jackoff into your ass
R: No.

Q: how to suppress urge to jackoff
R: Try rubberbands.

Q: how to jackoff more than once
R: That’s easy — Jerk off a second time.

Q: can you get skinny if you jack off alot
R: If you forsake the eating of food for your new-found hobby, yes. But you’re not likely to lose any significant weight unless you’re doing something active like riding a bike or jogging while jerking off. The key is to elevate your cardio to the point where you’re burning more calories than you take in each day. So you’d need to do a whole-body jackoff to achieve any notable weight loss. Remember to use private indoor facilities for this combo activity and ask your doctor before beginning any exercise or weight-loss regimen.

Q: most pleasurable way to jack off
R: I’m not at liberty to say it outright, but I’ll give you a hint — You ever visit the butcher section of your local supermarket? Ever seen those big cow tongues they have? Well, I’ll tell you a secret — people don’t EAT cow tongue but they do USE them, if you know what I mean. Add a little butter and Kathleen Turner’s smoky voice and you’ve got yourself the perfect jackoff!

Q: great things to jack off with
R: I’m confused, do you mean great as in “big” or great as in “terrific”? And when you say “jack off with” do you mean “alongside of” or do you mean that you want to use an object to facilitate your masturbation? Please search again with more details, thanks.

Q: how to jack off while sitting on the toilet
R: I don’t understand the dilemma. You know how to jack off, right? And you know how to sit on the toilet, right? Wouldn’t you just put the two activities together? Sit on the toilet and jack off. What greater information are you looking for? Which way to flex your anus? Flex it toward the jackoff!

Q: jack off no hands
R: I’m just going to casually mention that cow tongue again.

Q: is it safe to jack off all the time
R: I’d hazard to guess that it’s more an issue of practicality than safety. At some point you’ll have to eat, go to work, celebrate your birthday, hug your mother, ride the bus, research something on the web, give someone five, bake cookies, catch a Frisbee. Most of that stuff you can’t do very well if you’re pleasuring yourself, know’msayin’? You don’t want to get whacked on the knob by a Frisbee, that’s for sure. But I want to make sure that I address your specific question about safety. If you have to operate a chainsaw, is it safe to jerk off? No. A chainsaw is safely operated with both hands and you should have pants on. If you need to mix up a deadly potion in chem lab, you need to wear the appropriate safety equipment such as gloves and apron. It’s not a good idea to masturbate if you’re splashing battery acid into a beaker. Cutting up some fabric for granny? Operating a belt sander or a band saw? Again, you’ll need both hands directed at your task. So the simplest answer is no!

Q: jackoff on your wife’s ass
R: If I were married, I’m sure I would. Thanks for the suggestion.

Q: is there any other way to jack off
R: What do you mean any other way? You mean other than using your hands? Sure! Use your feet. (Wash them first, then moisturize.)

Q: i am gay, make me jack off
R: Hocus Pocus! Did it work?

Q: how to draw a cunt
R: If you want to be a good artist, you’re going to need to learn about anatomy. How the body moves, proportions, and the correct nomenclature for cunt.

Q: i want to jack off but i have homework
R: Definitely do your homework. You’ll have plenty of time to masturbate when you’re working a dead-end job.

Q: can a doctor if you jack off
R: I think you’re trying to ask if a doctor can tell if you jack off. Well, they all operate under the assumption that you masturbate. Even the worst medical curriculum will teach prospective doctors about masturbation in their first two weeks of med school. But if you’re holding your piece with a gorilla grip you’re going to leave tell-tale clues about your private proclivities. But even if you don’t rub yourself raw, doctors pretty much know that you’re a depraved goon and that you’re shucking your corn every chance you get, ya know? I think you’re living in a fantasy world where you think you’re keeping a big secret from everyone. Reality Check: Everybody knows about your masturbation. Every time your aunts, uncles and even friends of the family greet you, they’re smirking to themselves because they know what’s going on. They see it in your eyes and they notice when you leave the Thanksgiving table to disappear in your bedroom for an hour or two. What do you think they think you’re doing? Sometimes they covertly communicate that they know what you’re up to. For example, the oft-asked question, “How is school?” is a well-known joke among adults. It really means “Have you been masturbating?” Think about it, the only adults who actually care how you’re doing in school are your direct care providers: mom, dad, legal guardian, gramma and gramps, foster parents, probation officer, captor. But anyone else who asks you “How is school?” is just playing a joke on you and without you being aware, they’re mocking you for masturbating. And someday you’ll do the same thing to one of your nieces or nephews.
“Hey Brandon. How’s school?” (Have you been masturbating?)
“Uh, school’s okay, I guess.”
“You getting a lot of work done?” (Are you masturbating constantly?)
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Do you like any of your teachers?” (Are you thinking about any of your teachers while you masturbate?)
“A few are okay, I guess.”
“Do they assign a lot of homework?” (Do they make you want to masturbate more often?)
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Are you playing any sports?” (Do you masturbate in the locker room?)
“Yeah. Baseball.”
“Hey is that pumpkin pie? Well, keep up the good work in school!” (Hey, is that pumpkin pie? Keep masturbating so I can make fun of you at Christmas.)

Q: if you jack off a lot what happens
R: This question reminds me of the Butterfly Effect concept in chaos theory. I’m not scientist, but as I understand it, the idea suggests that an action as simple as a butterfly flapping its wings could initiate a ripple of events resulting in some action across the globe, like a typhoon that wipes out an East-Asian country. For example, let’s say that you’re masturbating in your back yard on a warm Spring day. Your furious fist moves the surrounding air a certain way, creating turbulence. Meanwhile a bee is heading toward Flower A, gets diverted by your jackoff turbulence and it lands on Flower B. The flower gets pollinated but it carries an interesting genetic defect. A farmer picks the fruit of this new strain of plant, clones it, mass-markets it. He becomes rich and powerful, buys his own army, takes over a country, develops his war technology, goes insane and nukes North Korea, sparking an international war. So if you jack off a lot it’s conceivable that you are creating an action in the now, which can affect any number of systems rippling into catastrophic human disaster. If you don’t want to start an international war, you’ll stop masturbating immediately.

Q: when i jack off at night i pee in the bed
R: That’s weird. Don’t jack off at night.

Q: best lighting for ugly people
R: Total darkness.

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

In the future a douchebag family will name their kid Tyler-Connor Hunter-Dylan.

A fun game I play: When I’m in a very crowded place with lots of families (Disneyland and such) I like to randomly shout out “Tyler!” “Connor!” “Hunter!” or “Dylan!” just to see how many people turn to look, thinking that I’m calling them.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Via voicemail, Pearl confides all of her life secrets to Clara, who may or may not care.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Remember the photo of Shel Silverstein on the liner sleeve of The Giving Tree? The scary one where he’s posing with a guitar? Yeah. And what about the back of that book? Remember that swarthy bald guy with the beard? The one who looked like a thin Suge Knight? Well? Is Shel Silverstein Black or Jewish?

And while we’re on the subject of Shel Silverstein, don’t forget to check out The Hating Tree

[c] 2009 Russ of America
Featuring excerpts from:
Wedding In Crown Heights by Frank London’s Klezmer Brass All-Stars
Mister Bass Man by Fatback Band

Middle names can be fun. I don’t have a great middle name and I know a few people who have no middle name at all. Their parents probably thought that two names were sufficient. “We gave you a first name, we gave you a last name, we fed you until you were 18, now get the hell out of our house, you bastard.”

Parents sometimes give their kids stodgy lame-ass first names like Brock, Bradford or Benton, but to make up for that stale business, certain parents give them a middle name more appropriate for a party college, like Keanu or Rain or Primadonna or something. The kid will likely use his regular name for most of his life, but just before heading out to UCSB he’ll decide that instead of being known as Tim, he’s going to be known as Shilo for the rest of his life, because that’s his middle name and he and his folks really bonded over Neil Diamond. Okay. It’s fair. That’s why you were given three names, I guess. So you could bow-out if your first name makes you feel like a vagina.

It’s difficult to peg the exact type of parent who would brand a kid with an ass-pinching first name like Brock, but then inflict a fageleh middle name like Windsong. Artsy-fartsy types perhaps? Or squarish yuppies who always resented their boring names and promised to give their kid a choice between a good solid Christian name, and a more fun hippie-esque name that he can use after he commits his first crime and he needs his first alias.

You know who needs an interesting middle name the most? Any kid named Michael Smith. The kid needs an interesting first and last name too. What unoriginal idiot parents are still naming their kids Michael Smith? Talk about wanting your child to blend into nothingness — You start him off in life with a boring, common, fake-sounding name like Michael Smith or John Smith. Those are the names people use when they check into motels with hookers — you know that, right? Well at least Michael Smith has an awesome nickname: “Mike”. Mike Smith. Beautifully original! Mike Smith is the kid who should have a colorful middle name like ThunderCats or Boomshakalaka, not that douche Brock. Anybody named Smith should really consider starting afresh when they have kids by dropping Smith. Give the kid an awesome last name like Tungsten, Ecology or Thermite. What, you’ve gotta keep the family name Smith alive? Really?

Sometimes parents give the kid two middle names. Often it involves a fight about which grandparent to name the kid after and you wind up with a kid named Brock Shilo Keanu Dempster. That’s got to be confusing, especially for any sort of monogram. Skymall only gives you a choice of three initials when you order something monogrammed, so now you’re forced to choose your favorite grandfather. Who would YOU honor on your bath towels? Grampa Shilo or Grampa Keanu? Anyway, is it even possible to have two middle things? If you go to a movie theater with two seats in the middle of the row, it means that nobody is sitting dead center. Therefore, with two in-between names, you actually have no middle name. If you had three in-between names then you’d have a middle name again. There has to be an ODD number of names to have a middle name.

And then there’s Charo. Her birth name was María. That’s fairly common in Spain, I’d imagine. Her middle name is Rosario which is again pretty common, so her parents just added another name to differentiate her from all the other María Rosarios. Now she was María Rosario Pilar, but again that had to be as common back then in España as Emma Isabella Madison would be in the US today. So mom and pop continued to add names to keep differentiating her from all the other girls. María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Moquiere blah blah blah blah. Even her parents couldn’t pronounce it or figure out where the accents go so they said “Coño! Eres Charo ahora. Di ‘cuchi’ y nadie te olvidara!” Which roughly translates to, “Fuck it, you’re Charo now. Just ‘cuchi’ and nobody will ever forget you.”

I’ve always thought that Nostril or Nosferatu would be awesome names for a boy. “Nostril Quality-Service-Commitment-Integrity-Honesty-and-Low-Low-Prices Carney of America! Get in here, you little shit! What the hell is wrong with you? Stop eating sand!”

[c] 2009 Russ of America
Dear Brock Lesnar, please don’t hurt me. I wasn’t talking about YOUR kind of Brock.
I was talking about those pussy Brocks who turn into bankers. I’m confident that you understand.

Individuality Part One
The Ubiquitous Tongue Piercing

Inviduduality Part Two
The Omnipresent Nautical Star Tattoo

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Just took one of those awesome online personality quizzes and here are my results:

And some more thoughts on the topic of CUNT! (Podcast)

[c] 2003 and 2009 Russ of America

Ah yes! Good news! Millions of people around the earth are still asking lots of questions about all-things jackoff! Fortunately they have at their disposal this fine blog as expert resource material. I am a man of integrity, honesty and beard and it is through my beard that I read these questions which top-tier search engines feel are best fielded by me. And thus for the fourth time, I again address your most pressing recent jackoff queries.

Q: jack off-pork
R: First of all, stealing is wrong, so you shouldn’t jack anybody’s off-pork. Secondly, don’t eat off-pork. It’ll make you sick.

Q: can you jack off with external use only
R: Almost exclusively.

Q: how much rest is required after 2 jackof
R: Four months. Well, it gets a little complicated actually. You need 1 month’s rest per testicle per jackoff, but the 4 months can be served simultaneously instead of consecutively. You’ve heard the expression “man-hours”? If there are 2 people on a job and it takes them 1 hour to complete the job, the job took 2 man-hours. If there’s 4 people on the job and it takes them 30 minutes to complete the job, that’s still 2 man-hours. So if you rest both testicles for 1 month, you’ve rested for a total of 2 ball-months and that’s what I mean. However, if you had 4 testicles, you couldn’t just wait half a month to get your 2 ball-months rest. You’d have to get 1 full month of rest for each testicle per jackoff. Anyway, I said it was complicated. If you don’t understand, keep Googling.

Q: +jacking penis
R: -hand = fail

Q: what happen if you jack off alot
R: If you jack off alot you will never learn how to spel write.

Q: how to jack off like a gay guy
R: Use your gay hand.

Q: is rip taylor gay
R: You’re fucking kidding, right? Rip Taylor the flamboyant mustachioed confetti man in the wig? Or do you know a different Rip Taylor? Boy, can you imagine being named Rip Taylor and growing up in the shadow of his celebrity?

Q: gay jackoff heaven
R: Abercrombie & Fitch

Q: types of musturbation
R: Dijon, yellow and stone ground.

Q: jackoff for granny
R: Makes sense to me. Think of all the Christmas and birthday money she gave you. A little j/o is the least you can do. That and visit her in the home a few times a year. Remember: Dentures can be removed, if you catch my drift. Speaking of which, do ya wanna know How To Score A Free Meal From Granny? Yeah you do!

Q: can people tell if you jack off
R: Yes. There are eight pantomimes of jackoff, which a trained eye can recognize. Also, there’s ejaculate on your shirt.

Q: how many eyelashes does a goat have
R: 1

Q: are you gay if you like ass play
R: Not if you follow the strict rules in The Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer. If you obey the rules you can enjoy as much assplay as you like without bearing any guilt or negative stigma.

Q: how to make jack off more interesting
R: Read Popular Science while schmacking.

Q: how to ask your buddy to jack off with you
R: Buy him dinner. And some alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. Make it into a game. Or better yet, a dare!
“Pfft, you’re not man enough to jack off with me.”
“Oh yeah? What do you know?!”
“I know you’re a lame-ass wuss.”
“I am not!”
“Ha! If you were a real man you’d jack off with me, but you’re afraid.”
“I am not! I could do it!”
“No you couldn’t.”
“I could so!”
“Oh yeah? Well I dare you!”
*fap fap fap*

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America