We’re All Traveling Together

I have a book called Civility: Manners, Morals, and the Etiquette of Democracy by Stephen L. Carter. It talks about the collapse of basic manners, how they have “become a casualty of our postmodern culture.” You already know that this is one of my favorite themes, and, in fact, I recommend this book quite a bit.

He opens the book with an analogy which has become a favorite of mine. About how, in the 19th century, people travelled in groups because only the very rich could afford to travel alone. He says,

“Well, of course: to travel so far together, packed shoulder to shoulder like chess pieces in their little box, everybody had to behave or the ride would become intolerable. Everyone followed the rules for the sake of their fellow passengers, and they did so, as one historian has noted, out of a spirit of self-denial and the self-sacrifice of one’s own comfort for another’s.”

There was, you understand, a sense of “we’re all in this together.” Everybody was crowded, everybody had to endure the same discomforts of travel, but everybody collectively gritted their teeth because that was the only way it was bearable, by working together to keep it as civilized as possible. He goes on to say,

“But nowadays we have automobiles, and we travel both long and short distances surrounded by metal and glass and the illusion that we are travelling alone. The illusion has seeped into every crevice of our public and private lives, persuading us that sacrifices are no longer necessary. If railroad passengers a century ago knew the journey would be impossible unless they considered the comfort of others more important than their own, our spreading illusion has taken us in the other direction. We care less and less about our fellow citizens, because we no longer see them as our fellow passengers. We see them as obstacles or competitors, or we may not see them at all.”

This is such a brilliant observation, don’t you think? How often have you walked down the street and seen other people listening to iPods, talking on cellphones, completely caught up in their own, private worlds? I often count myself lucky if they’re paying enough attention not to walk into me as they wander along. People go shopping in their pajamas; they think nothing of cutting in line. They meander across parking lots, never glancing over their shoulders to see if there’s a car coming. Because, of course, the world revolves around them. Not only are they not travelling with the rest of us, they’re riding a float in their own little parade, condescendingly waving to the crowd.

Not everyone does this, naturally. (I’m sure you don’t.) Most of the people I know have, at some time or another, shaken their heads when witnessing behaviors such as these, just because they’re not normal behaviors. In fact, many people do check for cars before stepping into a roadway, or thoughtfully hold doors for other people. It’s just the fact that these annoying, selfish behaviors seem to become more common all the time that’s so worrying.

Because, really, we ARE all travelling through this life together. Don’t we owe it to our fellow passengers to make the ride as easy as possible? ride as easy as possible?

It seems like everybody is so entrenched in their own side of [every possible] argument, that we’re forgetting that, no matter the party, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, income level, citizenship status … all of that … we are all Americans* for a reason.

We have more that pulls us together than pulls us apart, so long as we don’t let the little differences drive big wedges. If you need to borrow a cup of sugar from a neighbor, does it really matter how they voted in the last election? When your kid’s school hosts a charity car wash, do you exclude cars with bumper stickers you don’t like? Or do you welcome them to get soaped up with everyone else? For the most part, all of us are just trying to live our lives and raise our families to be good and kind.

None of us needs the constant stream of hate that’s taken over the airwaves. Words matter. Words can hurt.

But words are also the most powerful tool in the world, when used correctly.

Independence Day is coming up fast, and it’s important to remember what that means–and what better way than to listen to the words of our founding fathers?

Penguin Random House Audio is joining with award-winning authors and like-minded partner organizations, including PEN America and the National Coalition Against Censorship, to stream audio recordings of both the U.S. Constitution, narrated by Boyd Gaines, and the Declaration of Independence, narrated by Frank Langella, under the banner “We the People Listen.”

“For many of us, it’s been years, if at all, since we’ve read the Constitution or the Declaration,” says Amanda D’Acierno, SVP and Publisher, Penguin Random House Audio. “Taking a little time this early summer to listen to these talented narrators bring the text alive is something we all need to do as we celebrate Independence Day this year.”

Listeners can stream the recording of both the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence until July 31 at www.penguinrandomhouseaudio.com/wethepeoplelisten.

If you’ve forgotten:

About the Declaration of Independence:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…

Drafted by Thomas Jefferson in 1776 as an act of rebellion, the Declaration of Independence powerfully expresses the political principles of an emerging nation. As justification for severing ties with England, the Declaration of Independence presented a list of grievances against the King and declared the colonies to be sovereign states.

About the U.S. Constitution:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.…

Ratified in 1788, the U.S. Constitution remains a shining example of patriotism and compromise. In outlining the power of the three branches of government and establishing the rights of all Americans, the Constitution united the thirteen independent states and set forth the official viewpoint of a newly unified nation. Its most significant and insightful feature is that it can always be amended.

*And for those of you who are not in the U.S. of A, these words are just as wise, no matter where you live.

First, the facts:

Title: Find Your Awesome: A 30-Day Challenge to Fall in Love with Your Playful, Imaginative & Colorful Self

Author: Judy Clement Wall

Published by: Health Communications, Inc, 2017

Pages: 119

The In-Depth Look:

If you haven’t been living under a rock, you’ll already know that adult coloring books are rather popular these days, and why wouldn’t they be? They’re fun and give you a chance to be creative in a relaxing, no-pressure way.

I’ve dabbled, but my mother has thrown herself whole-heartedly into this trend, and one of her favorite coloring book artists (because of course she has a favorite) is Judy Clement Wall.

So, first, let me just recommend her coloring books to you–not to mention her art (which includes a fab set of Protest postcards, if you’re into the democratic process).

But now, she’s got something new–a book that kind of sounds like a self-help book, but feels like so much more.

She says in her intro: “In a perfect world, maybe you wouldn’t need a 30-day challenge to find and fall in love with your most playful, imaginative, and colorful self, but we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a fast-paced, info-packed, high-octane society where feeling lost in the jostling crowd is the norm and locating our own significance is sometimes the biggest challenge of all. During a particularly difficult time in my life, when I was struggling both professionally and personally, I used my blog to publicly commit myself to a Year of Fearless Love. I went into that year needing to believe the power we all have to touch, lift, and heal each other.”

Which, I know, all sounds a little fluffy and like the cheesiest of self-help books–and if she had followed it up with trite chapters expressing ways to connect with your inner child, or something, I’d agree. But she doesn’t.

What follows are 30 days’ worth of … they’re not even exercises. I’m not sure what to call them, but they’re little personal challenges to help you appreciate you … because how can you expect other people to love you if you don’t love yourself?

Taking the position that sending love out in the world helps invite love back in, the challenges, exercises, tasks, goals she gives you are meant to make you more aware of how you present yourself–to the world and to yourself. She challenges you to send positive texts and messages or to give strangers hugs, but also to make lists of things you’re grateful for, or to clean/organize one thing. Or maybe to do creative things like drawing or coloring a Mandala, designing a t-shirt …

Yeah, the list goes on for thirty days–though she says up front that you can take as long as you want, or feel free to skip some. The number one rule, she says, is that there are no rules.

The book is filled with cute illustrations (because Judy is very good at cute illustrations), and worksheets and pages to color or fill out. It’s a charming little book.

So–why would you need this book?

We are living in trying times, and in many ways, it feels like the world has basically gone insane in the last year. There is so much hate-mongering and complaining and them-versus-us attitude (no matter who your “us” actually is). Even without the regular stresses of daily life–paying bills, raising the kids, figuring out your knitting problems–it’s stressful out there.

It’s easy to say things like “Love Yourself,” but so many of us are used to putting our own interests last, to ignoring our own admirable qualities. We don’t give ourselves enough credit–and we don’t tell the people in our lives how important they are often enough, either. (This goes for the “little people” like the waitress who brings us coffee to the “big people” like our parents or spouses or kids.)

Judy’s intent seems to be as simple as it sounds–a way to spread some love to ourselves and to others in an effort to make this stressful, oft-times hateful world a little less terrible. Even the people you disagree with are just people who are going through their own stressful times.

And if we are so lost in our troubles that we need help to share a little kindness? Judy’s book is here to help.

Do check it out at Amazon or at your local bookseller. This lovely book comes out in April.

This review copy was kindly donated by the publisher. Thank you!

Punctuality is not just about making meetings on time, but about being exact. It’s about doing what needs to be done at exactly the time it should be done. To me, that’s an issue that transcends mere punctuation. That ripples right out into the real world. Doing what is right, and doing it precisely. When you have everybody doing exactly that, well, it seems to me that that’s more or less the foundation of basic civility . . . and civilization itself.”

I also said that you need to know the rules, to break the rules.

My country was founded on that tough, make-do attitude of making the most out of what you had. We prided ourselves on our self-reliance and our ability to think outside the box and create things for ourselves rather than depending on other people. Our innovation was legendary.

Now, I don’t want to get into a debate right now about how we’re raising a generation of children whose research capabilities end at opening an app on their smart phones, but let’s think about how important it is to know things.

I said right at the beginning that this blog was going to be about the tools we need for civilization, and knowing the rules was right at the top of the list.

To be creative, you need to know certain rules. (How not to blow yourself up, for example.) To be able to think outside the box, you need first identify and measure your box.

Nobody can be creative or innovative without having a fundamental understanding of how the world works.

Understanding things like gravity, physics, and math that describe the physical world. Rhetoric, languages and grammar for communicating–not to mention art and music for things worth communicating.

• It’s never been more important to be informed.
• It’s never been more vital that you know the rules.
• It’s never been more necessary to stand up for what you know to be right.

I like rules. I like having boundaries and understanding how and why things work. I like having the basic tools necessary to know that if I perform Action A, the result will be B.

But I also like having the freedom to say, “But what if I try C? What will happen.”

You can’t innovate if you don’t know what people have done before you.

You can’t create unless you know what other people have created. In fact, there’s a philosophical question for you: if two people independently create the same thing at the same time, do they both count?

The answer is yes, but the one who has the press conference to announce it to the world gets top billing.

So, don’t be shy, now.

Learn everything you can so you can create, innovate, and know exactly which rules are meant to be bent … and which ones deserve to be broken.

Isn’t that what education is for?

You might not remember, but before I started blogging about writing, I had a knitting blog called Chappysmom.

Like any other knitting blog, I talked about lots of things–my knitting (of course), but also family, friends, vacations, books … and, my dog. The Chappy for whom the blog was named.

I have an entire online presence built around the fact that I am Chappy’s Mom. My knitting blog, my Ravelry name … even as a fanfiction writer. It’s the way I think of myself. In the absence of two-legged versions, Chappy is my kid, and has been since he walked into my heart on 25 August 2001.

He was just three months old on 9/11, and I remember that the only way I was able to tear myself away from the horrors on the television screen was to allow myself to be distracted by the adorable puppyness chewing at my shoelaces. He made me smile on that most horrible of days.

In fact, he made me smile every day.

Right up until this past Thursday, when, despite all his best efforts, he left me.

On the last Monday of March, he was diagnosed with cancer and internal bleeding, so that the vet didn’t think he’d make it more than another 48 hours. He was so weak that Wednesday night, I didn’t think he would, either, but he rallied, and Thursday morning he was smiling and wagging his tail, and we had a reprieve through the weekend. The next week, though, was a blend of good and bad days–enough good ones to be able to be grateful he was here, but enough bad to know that time was limited.

He gave me two more good weekends than the vet thought he would, but last week, it just got too much for him. The pain meds helped, but he was getting weaker. He tried so hard to be brave and strong and happy to put a smile on my face–because I think his goal in life was to make me smile–but it just got too hard. So, Thursday morning, I petted him and spoiled him and fed him homemade ginger snap cookies, and then took him to the vet so he wouldn’t have to struggle anymore.

If you have pets, I don’t need to tell you how hard that was. Especially when you remember that I’ve always considered him to be my four-legged kid.

He gave me fourteen years, nine months, and one week of almost nothing but happiness. Because, yes, there was some worrying in there, too, but seeing Chappy was always a guaranteed smile.

There’s absolutely nothing good about the fact that he’s no longer here to wag his tail at me. I was his favorite person. As much as he loved my parents and the rest of our friends and family, I was the one he watched for. I’m the one he rallied for those last two weekends–because there’s no mystery as to why he was happier on the days I was home with him rather than at work. We adored each other equally, and anyone who knows me knows I was equally devoted to him.

He’s gone now, though. I like to think he’s up in heaven with my twin sister Susan. (I told him he would recognize her right away, since she looks just like me.) He’s hopefully romping with his best friend Horatio who when on ahead four years ago. (And yes, I always loved that Chappy not only had friends, he had a best friend.) He’s finally getting to meet his big sister Katy, who I lost to a car when she was 20-months old.

Hopefully, he’s happy. For sure, he’s no longer suffering.

But he’s not here.

Chappaquiddick Kittanning Boyken, Boykin Spaniel
7 July 2001 – 14 April 2016

It’s not enough time, little boy, but thank you for sharing all of it with me. Thank you for working so hard to convince me that YOU were the right puppy for me. (In retrospect, there’s no question whatsoever.) Thank you for being the very sweetest dog I’ve ever met. All our dogs have been wonderful and lovable and good and sweet and cute and so on, but you are by far the sweetest ever.

I miss you, Chappy. Love you. Sleep well.

Splinters of Light by Rachael Herron

This book is a heart-breaker, make no mistake. There’s absolutely nothing good about the main dilemma here–Nora, a single mother in her early 40s being diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s. It’s a horrible subject, a miserable, tragic, awful thing … which is why I hesitated to pick it up. I’m in the middle of watching my best friend’s mother disappear under the inexorable weight of Alzheimer’s and it’s a sensitive, difficult subject. So, how could it possibly make for a good novel that would be anything other than depressing and grim?

Well, Rachael Herron manages beautifully. I’ve been reading her books from the very beginning, and have watched her writing getting stronger and better all the time, but I admit I had doubts that she would be able to pull off something of this scale. A subject matter this heart-wrenching? With such important and sensitive issues and ramifications? I knew she would do a decent job, but really, it would take a master to do it the justice it deserves.

Apparently, Rachael is a master, because as heart-breaking as this is (and make no mistake, parts truly are), it’s also beautiful. The reactions of Nora, her twin, and her teenage daughter to this devastating diagnosis are right on the mark, and–while I wouldn’t dream of giving anything away–this ended as perfectly as such a story can. In clumsier hands, this would have been a disaster, but in fact, it’s a wonderful book. I’d give it four and a half stars if I could–and the half I’m taking off is primarily because of the devastating subject matter. It’s not an easy book to read, if only because you know there can be no miracle cure at the end. It’s not easy, but it’s excellent.

Highly recommended … though you’d do well to have tissues handy. You can get your copy at your local bookshop or at Amazon.com.

Anyway–I’m digressing.

She’s got a new book coming out, Splinters of Light, and in an effort to promote it, she’s offering all kinds of incentive for pre-ordering it. I haven’t read this specific book yet, but I’ve been reading her books since her first (How to Knit a Love Song) came out in 2010 and her writing keeps getting better and better. Her most recent, Pack Up The Moon was one I loved.

Anyway, Splinters of Light. Here’s the blurb from Amazon.com:

Ten years ago, Nora Glass started writing essays about being a single mother of a six-year-old daughter. Her weekly column made her a household name, and over the years, her fans have watched Ellie grow from a toddler to a teenager.

But now Nora is facing a problem that can’t be overcome. Diagnosed with a devastating disease that will eventually take away who she is, she is scared for herself, but even more frightened about what this will mean for her sixteen-year-old daughter.

Now Nora has no choice but to let go of her hard-won image as a competent, self-assured woman, and turn to the one person who has always relied on her: her twin sister, Mariana. Nora and Mariana couldn’t be more different from one another, and they’ve always had a complicated relationship. But now the two sisters will have to summon the strength to help them all get through a future none of them could have ever imagined, while uncovering the joy and beauty that was always underneath.

So … go pre-order this. And then go tell Rachael you did so to get entered to win one of her prizes. (You get a bonus offer if you get it from her local bookstore, Diesel Books, in Oakland CA–a special touch on a book promotion that I love, even if it’s 3000 miles away from my house.)

I know I can’t wait to read this one.

Which is exactly the point, because I’m here to tell you about just such a book.

Title: The English Tenses: Practical Grammar Guide
Author: Phil Williams
Publisher: English Lessons Brighton, 2014

Published in the UK, this book addresses a problem for people learning English as a second language–how to recognize and use the assortment of our many verb tenses, both in theory and in actual practice.

English is complex, but at least I grew up with English in my ears. Even if I couldn’t tell you what a split infinitive was when I was five, I knew what they sounded like, just as I knew to match singular-plural subjects and verbs in a sentence even if I didn’t know exactly why.

For everyone else, though–the people who need to learn English when they were born with other languages embedded in their brains–it’s another story. They need to learn all of English’s many rules from scratch, and that can’t be easy. I’ve always admired that because English is the only language I can speak or read with any facility at all. (Classroom French didn’t make as much of an impact as Mme. Martin had hoped.)

I know how complicated English is, and few things are harder (other than the quixotic spelling rules) than the verb tenses.

And so, here is Phil William’s book.

Did you know there are twelve distinct tenses in the English language? Twelve! Four variations each for past, present, and future tenses.

No wonder people get confused. I know I get confused identifying the more obscure ones ones. I can use them, yes, but trying to explain them? Um … like many people who grew up with certain knowledge on their tongues, I take my language for granted.

This 127-page book addresses all that. It’s meticulous in its approach to just about every variation for past/present/future tense there is. (I say “just about” because while I can’t think of anything he missed, I can’t guarantee that there’s not some little-used verb usage that wasn’t addressed.) In terms of practical guides, though … this book definitely does the job.

The explanations are clear, even for such a complex subject. The examples are precise and while there are a number of necessary charts to study, that’s necessary for thoroughness–and this book is very thorough. I can’t remember reading this much nitty-gritty detail since Mrs. Babyock’s eighth grade English class … and that’s a good thing.

If I were learning English as a second language, I would need a book just like this to help figure out how to say what I needed to say.

People take their native language for granted. Even if your school system was thorough in teaching you grammar (and that’s not something you can ever assume), even the most careless native speaker is going to have a head start over someone coming new to the language. And when it’s all new and strange (and English can be very strange), it helps to have a clear, easy to read guide to help navigate your way.

Better yet, it works for native speakers, too. Just because you can use the language doesn’t mean you know all the rules, after all.

… Wish you had more time to write.

… Wish you were a better writer.

… Wish you could get other people to read your writing.

… Wish writing came more easily.

… Wish you had more ideas.

… Wish you had time to blog about solutions to these problems.

… Wish you had solutions to these problems.

And … isn’t this what freelancers are FOR? To help out with problems like these?

The Importance of Saying What You Mean: aka The Difference a Writer Can Make.