Project Happily Ever After

He Thinks He’s Smarter Than She Is

Alisa — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 16:36:40 +0000

Readers: Should She Set Him Straight?

I got this question from a reader:

Recently, my husband has made comments that insinuate that he is smarter than me, and that his job is more important and worthwhile. He is in his final year of medical residency. I am a caregiver and have not completed a degree, although I have made it almost halfway through several. We had a fight today during which I asked if he thought he was better than me. He replied “Yes, but only a little.” I am very hurt by this. He thinks I am overreacting. Am I? I can’t help but be worried that, as he gets older and continues his career, his opinion of himself will continue to go up and his opinion of me will go down. What should I do, if anything?

Readers: I’d like you all to weigh in here. This reader needs your insight and advice. Have you ever been in this situation before? Have you ever thought you were smarter than your spouse? Or has your spouse indicated that he or she is smarter than you are?

My take is that your irritation with his comment says more about you than it does about him. I sense that you already felt insecure about your intelligence long before this conversation. In my opinion, the solution here isn’t about getting him to see you as intelligent. It’s about getting you to see it. If you felt secure about it, then his comment wouldn’t have bothered you. To the contrary, you’d probably find it amusing. So I would recommend sitting with it for a bit. Why do you feel inferior? What is causing this lack of self confidence?

I also, in situations like this, recommend a Buddhist strategy called “Accepting Defeat and Offering the Victory.” I’ve written about this in the past here, here, and here, among many other posts. The idea is that you just allow him to have his belief, by saying lovingly and sweetly, “You’re right. You are a little better than me. That’s why I fell in love with you and married you.” I know. It’s dang difficult because a part of the mind wants to scream, “But he’s not smarter! And I should put him in his place! He needs to recognize my intelligence!” And, in a perfect world, he would. In a perfect world, he would bow at your feet and tell you that you are the smartest person he knows. But this is not a perfect world. In his world, he wants to feel smarter. This belief makes him feel good. You can try to prove that you are smarter, but the effort will probably be frustrating, futile, and lead to more fighting. It won’t get you where you want to go.

To help reduce the mental resistance to accepting defeat, try to see things through his eyes. Take your mind and put it inside his head. Think about his perspective. Why might he need to feel smarter? What is that about for him? If you do this, you just might be able to develop some compassion and that compassion will lead to the humility it takes to hand over the victory.

Or perhaps you should just play Jeopardy together and you should cream his ass. I don’t know.

Readers: what do you all think?

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Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide. Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

What Do You Do With the Guilt?

Alisa — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 17:05:07 +0000

Last summer, my kid enrolled in a one-week magic camp. On the last day of camp, the kids put on a show for the parents. I dropped my kid off that morning and told her I’d be back for the show.

Then life intervened. By life, I’m not talking about sick relatives, friends in distress or even a flat tire. No, I’m talking about email. Before leaving for the show, I had about ten minutes to kill, so I checked it.

The next thing I knew, I had about five minutes to make a 15-minute trip.

I tailgated, sped, and cursed the whole way.

I ran into the building and pushed my way past various excessively slow-walking parents with toddlers. I took the steps three at a time.

I threw open the door to my daughter’s classroom. It was lined with parents. A child was in the midst of sticking pencils through water balloons without popping them or having them leak a drop of water. My daughter was sitting, staring into space, her eyes red and puffy and her cheeks soaked with tears.

I’d missed her act.

With my heart still thumping in my chest, I hugged her and breathlessly told her I was sorry. I kissed her cheeks, wiped her tears, and willed time to stop, reverse and allow me a do-over.

At the end of the show, the teacher allowed my daughter to do her trick again. She pulled a tablecloth out from underneath a table setting, but she did it almost in slow motion. For her, there was no joy. She’d lost her enthusiasm the moment she’d stepped on the stage a half hour before and realized I was not there.

It’s a horrible feeling to know that you’ve blown it—to know that you missed an opportunity that you can never recreate or get back. The universe does not allow us to live in rewind. No, life always moves forward. It never stops, and it doesn’t allow one to edit one’s past.

It’s just horrible and, if you’ve never once experienced the sensation of regret, I hope you never have to.

I spent the rest of the day trying to erase that horrible feeling. I canceled the rest of my work day. I took my daughter to the gift shop and let her buy whatever she wanted. I took her out for ice cream. And I said I was sorry about once every hour.

Eventually she asked, “Why do you keep apologizing? I already told you that I forgave you.”

That’s when I realized that, sometimes, even forgiveness can’t erase the ache of regret.

You might attempt to assuage my guilt by telling me that, in the scheme of things, this one incident probably will not ruin my child for life. As far as childhood traumas go, it’s a mild one. You might also remind me that my kid has already forgiven, and probably even forgotten.

But none of that matters to a guilty conscience. She might have forgiven and forgotten, but I have not.

Guilt and regret are perverse like that. They often exist only in one’s mind and are massively out of sync with the true nature of things. I hurt my daughter once, for a brief moment in time. I hurt myself more, over and over again with my regrets over that moment.

Guilt doesn’t do anyone any good. It doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t make my daughter feel any more loved. If anything, it only works to hurt. It hurts me by making me feel bad and draining my energy. It hurts my loved ones because I have less energy to offer them.

That’s why, over the past six months, I’ve examined different methods for releasing it.

I tried the “time will heal all wounds” tactic. Let me tell you: it didn’t heal this wound. Perhaps I didn’t give it enough time.

I also tried magical thinking. I tried to convince myself that I’d actually really been there. I visualized the experience going the way I wanted it to go. There I was in the room, plenty of time before the show. There she is, walking up to her little table. Now she’s standing there with that sneaky look on her face. Then she pulls the tablecloth out. Nothing falls on the floor. Everyone claps. I smile. I give her a thumb’s up. I hug her and tell her how amazing she is and that I could never have done such a trick.

I wish magical thinking worked for me. It doesn’t. If anything, it makes me feel worse.

What has worked, to some degree, is a purification ritual I learned from my Buddhist meditation class. I’ll share it with you in case you find it helpful. You do it in four parts.

Feel the regret. Mentally switch places with the person you’ve wronged. What does it feel like to be abandoned, lied to, let down, disappointed, or ignored? Feel that person’s pain and suffering as if you are experiencing it yourself. For me, that meant, in my mind, I was not the person watching the magic trick. Rather, I was the child whose mother didn’t show up. After really and truly feeling and knowing this suffering, I was able to come to a strong decision, “I never want to make anyone feel this kind of suffering ever again. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want this to stop. I want to show up—always.”
Rely on something bigger than yourself for help. If you are spiritual, then you can rely on God, the Buddha or another spiritual being. Or maybe you rely on something more solid, such as a friend or mentor that you look up to. Or perhaps it’s a book of advice that you find soothing and helpful whenever you are going through tough times. For me, it’s all of these things. Lean on this person or thing for support, help, and advice. Ask for help. Be vulnerable. Say, “I can’t do this alone.”
Atone. Perform a virtuous action to cancel out the non-virtuous one. For me, it meant that, in the evening, when I usually checked email and surfed the web, I instead turned off my computer and tuned into my kid.
Promise to change. Create a plan for the future, and tackle it in baby steps. For me, it meant I promised to show up and tune into my kid everyday, listening with my full attention. For you, it might be something else.

I don’t know if this four step process works for every form of guilt, but I can say that it has helped me transform mine. I still regret that day, sure. But, with this four step process, I’ve been able to transform that guilt into a source of energy that helps me to become a better mother and person in general. I hope it helps you, too. Let me know.

Note: I’ve been trying to fix the comments section on this site. I would love if many of you would comment. It would allow me to find out whether the comments area is still broken. You can tell me and others about guilt that you’ve struggled to release. What has worked for you? What hasn’t? Does guilt serve any good purpose? Why or why not? What leads to you feeling guilty and why?

Let me know if it doesn’t work by emailing me Alisa (at) AlisaBowman (dot) com.

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Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to See the Good in Bad People

Alisa — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 16:43:09 +0000

Or The Complicated Case of the Missing Salt Shakers

Sometimes I think this dog is no good. Other times I feel a great love and compassion for her.

I cherished my grandmother (who I called “Nana”) and my great Aunt (who I called Aunt D). They lived far away and didn’t visit more than once a year. When they did come, they, without fail, brought me and my brothers to the toy store and let us pick out something.

Aunt D was eccentric. Whenever she came, we had to turn off the cuckoo clock (she found it annoying), cage our parakeets (she was afraid of them) and wait in line for the bathroom (she spent what seemed like hours each morning “putting on her face.”) Her hair was always just right, not a strand out of place. She rarely wore anything less fancy than a skirt or dress slacks. She always wore perfume.

Nana sat and read comic books with me for hours and never seemed bored. When I developed an interest in MAD magazine, she developed an interest, too, and she never told my mother that the content was exceptionally inappropriate for someone my age. To the contrary: she renewed my subscription every year on my birthday. Later she talked to me about boys—what to look for and what to stay away from. I told her things I would never tell my mother.

Nana died more than 20 years ago but, from her, I also learned many life lessons that have stuck with me to this day. Whenever I’m feeling crummy or having a bad day, I hear her voice say, “This, too, shall pass.” Whenever I’m coming down from an emotional high, I can hear her tell me, “After such pleasures, the heart is sad.”

And when I can’t find something I’m looking for, she says, “You only find things when you stop looking for them.”

I thought that we had a special bond—that I knew her as well as anyone did. It was only recently that I learned that she and my great Aunt lived according to a unique code of ethics. My mother recently told me, for instance, about Nana’s cream pitcher collection. It was the counterpart to my great aunt’s salt shaker collection. Both collections were quite enormous, entirely composed of items stolen from restaurants.

“We’d all go out to eat. Toward the end of the meal, a wicked look would come over their faces. Out would come these huge purses. Into the purses would go saltshakers, milk pitchers and anything else they felt like taking,” my mother said.

It was a conspiracy, one the two sisters took great pride and pleasure in. They only filched the good stuff. If it was plastic, it stayed on the table. If it was ceramic, it went in a purse.

They had perfected it, never getting caught. For them, stealing knickknacks off restaurant tables was an art form.

It was disconcerting to learn of her milk pitcher hobby because the new information changed my view of her. Was she a good person? Or was she a thief? Could a thief be a good person?

Where was the line?

My meditation teacher has told me time and time again that labels – good, bad, cruel, kind, ethical, dastardly—are creations of my mind. They do not exist inherently. I might see someone as “bad,” but someone else is just as likely to see that person as “good.”

According to this teaching, “evil” is just a fabricated label. What you see as “evil,” someone else might find “brilliant” or even “compassionate.”

I know—it’s a tough one to wrap one’s mind around, especially when you start dissecting how you feel about mass murderers such as Hitler and Pol Pot.

A bit easier to swallow is this: what we find annoying in one moment can become delightful in the next. Consider: Have you ever gone to bed convinced that you were going to murder your spouse in his sleep? Then have you woke the next day and wondered what you were so angry about the night before?

I found myself thinking about this teaching in regards to my grandmother. In a restaurant owner’s eyes, she was a no-good thief. In my eyes, she was a loving, supportive grandmother who was really good at finding humor in the darker side of life.

Perhaps someone else thought of her as a hoarder in need of psychological help. After all who needs dozens ceramic milk pitchers?

Yet another person might see her a different way.

I try to remind myself of this whenever I am tempted to label someone in my life as “annoying” or “controlling” or something else.

I ask myself, “Was this person this annoying yesterday?” If the answer is “no,” then it stands to reason that the person won’t be as annoying tomorrow or even in sixty minutes. If the answer is “yes,” then I must ask myself, “Am I seeing only one side of this person? Is it possible that there are people who do not find this person annoying at all? Is it possible that I am the one who is being annoying and judgmental?”

These questions then lead me to the ultimate question, “What can I learn from this?”

And that’s the question that transforms everything, because once I can learn from a situation, I’m no longer helpless and out of control. I can do something to change it, even if it involves turning myself into a less annoying, less judgmental person.

How about you? How do you dissect anger so you can see the object of your anger clearly and from all sides? Do you think there are two sides to every story and person? Or do you feel your anger is always justified?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to Put the Love Back in Valentine’s Day

Alisa — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:55:58 +0000

Until last week, I wasn’t a fan of Valentine’s Day. That’s because, like many holidays, it has become overly commercialized. Rather than be a reminder of love, it now serves to create anxiety (did I get her the right gift?), loneliness (I don’t have anyone to spend Valentine’s Day with), inadequacy (I don’t have enough money to spring for a big dinner), stress (crap, I need to help my kid make 30 Valentine’s cards for her classmates), pride (I just bought the best Valentine’s gift ever) and overeating (do you really need a parenthetical on this?)

To me, love is not:

Clingy. It’s not “I can’t live without you” or “I can only be happy if you are in my life.” Yet, most Valentine’s cards use phrases just like these.
Controlling. It’s not “You’re mine or else you are no one’s.” Yet, “you’re mine” is on most cards and candies.
Bought. Yet most traditional Valentine’s activities center around gifts given and received, expensive dinners out, and flowers.
Boastful. It’s not about on-upping your friends about how great your Valentine’s day was.
Envious. It’s not about wishing you got more than you did.

Love isn’t about feeling empty inside. Quite the opposite, it’s about feeling abundant. It’s not about getting. It’s about giving.

So when I learned last week of the growing movement to rename February 14 Generosity Day, I became a fan again. Watch the video clip or go to the Generosity Day site for more information. Generosity Day is something that everyone can celebrate. You don’t have to have a date in order to be generous. You also don’t have to be wealthy. You can be generous by:

Saying yes for a day. Sasha Dichter, of the Acumen Fund, did that for a month, giving to any person who came to him and asked for his help. His Generosity Experiment is what led him to establish Generosity Day. It’s scary to think that you will say yes to everyone who wants your help, but also thrilling. I’ve been trying this technique for a while. You can read about my results here, here, and here.

Alleviating the suffering of others. Give blankets to the homeless. Feed hungry animals in your backyard. Kiss a child’s boo-boo. Hold the hand of someone who is fearful.

Teaching someone a life-changing skill. Show an elderly shut-in how to connect with others on Facebook. Become a literacy tutor and teach someone how to read. Share your unique knowledge and experience with others.

Being thankful. We are surrounded by kind people, but we rarely notice them. Where did your breakfast come from? Who grew and harvested the oats for your cereal? Who packaged it? Who drove it in a truck from one side of the country to another? Who rang it up for you at the grocery store? All of these people were kind enough to make sure you had breakfast to eat. Be thankful for them. Who paved the roads that you drive on? Who built your house? Who makes sure water comes out of your tap when you turn it on? The more you cultivate a thankful mindset, the easier it will be for you to thank people all around you—ranging from the waitress who serves you your dinner to the colleague who get the report in on time.

Making the world safer for others. Remove debris from the road. Fill the hole that is just waiting for someone to step into and sprain her ankle. Lobby to have a stop sign installed at the intersection that seems to have an accident every other day. Volunteer as a crossing guard.

Consoling others. Be there for friends, colleagues, family members and others who are grieving, alone, or going through tough times.

Listening to others. Give your ear. Sit down. Don’t look at your watch, and don’t interrupt.

Seeing others. Notice those around you. Acknowledge them. The more you notice, the more you will realize when someone is in need of your help—whether it’s to open a door for a mother with a carriage or put a heavy bag in the overhead for an elderly person on an airplane.

Sharing your wealth with the less fortunate. Give money. Give food. Give shelter. Give comfort.

Giving dignity. See someone’s potential, not his or her faults.

Giving knowledge. There is perhaps nothing more powerful than a book. I write books for a living. Whenever you give a book to someone else, you are also being generous toward book authors like me. Here are a few books to consider giving on Generosity Day and beyond:

Project: Happily Ever After (yes, that’s a shameless plug) or If It Were Easy They’d Call the Whole Thing a Honeymoon for friends who are struggling in their relationships

All the Money in the World for people who struggle with financial decisions

The Organized Kitchen or Parents Need to Eat Too for people who love to give by cooking for others

Eight Steps to Happiness for those who are working on their spiritual development

And while I’m on the topic of books that everyone needs, your might want to pre-order the upcoming Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days.

How will you be generous? What do you do to be generous everyday? Do you think Valentine’s is overly commercial? Or do you love and look forward to the holiday?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to Break a Porn Habit

Alisa — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:22:49 +0000

A Post Where You Get to Help A Fellow Reader Out

When I asked you all about your most vexing marital problems, AmyB commented:

“Internet Pornography is a constant struggle. I’m not against sexual experimentation or even masturbation. I’m not even against other ‘consenting” adults using responsible pornography if they like it and it helps their sex lives, BUT I feel that in MY relationship I want my partner to direct his sexual tension and arousal to me, his very open sexual partner, not an anonymous person on a computer screen. According to him, pornography and sex with a partner are two totally different things. I still can’t help to think that it affects the dynamics of a relationship. Am I being unrealistic? Am I not allowing my partner to be independent in his choice to watch pornography? Should I respect his choice to watch pornography? He’s attempted to quit plenty of times and, at the moment, he doesn’t do it (to my knowledge). Still I know it’s a big struggle for him and I know that if he had the house to himself, he’d probably do it. What’s worse, I can’t do anything to help him.”

Porn is one of those issues that tends to polarize people, so I’d like to attempt what might be impossible: a civil discussion about it. Here are the rules for commentating:

No name-calling. I will delete any insults without a warning.
Definitely state your view. If you think it’s wrong, say it. If you think it’s a divine gift, say it. But DON’T attack someone else for not agreeing with your opinion.
If you try to comment and can’t, let me know. I’m still trying to fix what’s wrong with the commenting area on this site.

Got it?

I’ll start. My views on porn fall somewhere in the middle. It doesn’t offend me. I’ve watched it on occasion with my husband. It can be the spark that gets the mood started. All of that said, I think of porn much as I think of fast food. For me, fast food might be okay in a pinch—like when I’m on the New York Thruway at 3 am and seriously too hungry to go on. It’s not how I want to meet my daily hunger needs.

Similarly, with porn, it might work for a couple if it’s one trick in their arsenal of ways they get in the mood—and especially on those rare occasions when they are just too fatigued to come up with something better. But if it becomes a crutch–something you need everyday to feel happy, satisfied or in the mood—then it’s not healthy.

Because I didn’t feel completely qualified to tackle this topic, I also asked Stu Gray, who pens the Stupendous Marriage blog for insight. What follows are my questions and his answers.

Me: I imagine, like alcohol, some people can partake in porn and have it be a somewhat harmless pastime, whereas others get addicted and do much harm to themselves and their families. Do you agree with this? Or, after your experiences, do you feel there is nothing that is ever harmless about it?

Stu: I think from a scientific standpoint, that’s probably true. Some people are wired to be more prone to be addicted to alcohol, or drugs, or sex or food, and others don’t seem to be addicted to the ‘biggies’ that classify as addiction in our culture. The thing we can’t control is when the brain makes that click from “Its a harmless past time” to “I gotta have it all the time”. It’s a dangerous game to play especially with your brain and with sex. I heard it said once that “we aren’t born with an alcohol drive but we ARE born with a sex drive.” The drive that can be so good can end up driving us to do things that can ultimately be painful.

From a relationship standpoint, I think porn is harmful in several ways. Porn fans the flame of selfishness: She won’t give me what I want when I want it? I’ll take care of it myself.

The “me first” attitude tends to become a dominant factor. Great Marriages are made up of two people who love and give to one another. Porn rewires the brain to always be in a state of, “What can you do for me sexually?”

Porn usually leads to masturbation. Not for everyone, but for many. When you masturbate to an image other than your spouse, the sexual desire is fulfilled by someone outside your marriage. So, you have less desire to seek your spouse out for sexual connection. You also train your mind and your body to respond to images that are a false reality. So, your mind begins to think, “I want that all the time with my spouse.” Physically, if you are chronically masturbating, you begin to associate sexual release with images. This leads to a tough time in the bedroom with some people not being able to perform at all because it takes videos or images to be aroused.

Spouses feel like they can’t measure up because they don’t look like the images, and they don’t feel like the sexual fantasy you create when you “act out” with yourself.

Me: What are the signs that someone is addicted?

Stu: I think the quickest way to begin to see if someone is addicted is to ask him or her to stop. Most people who have a compulsion toward something harmful will say that they can stop anytime they want, that they just don’t choose to. So, call their bluff. Challenge them lovingly with, ‘If you can stop – do it’.

Most will begin with excuses about how it doesn’t harm anyone, that they are just having fun, or that it’s not a real problem. This type of denial is usually one indicator of an addiction. Also, if they do try to stop and can’t or begin hiding it, then they could be going down that road.

People show signs of addiction in different ways. For one addict, it could look like a need for more edgy pornography. For another it might be unhealthy adventurous sex with your spouse. For another it could be moving from images to real life sexual affairs. Or, It could look like something as simple as erasing the history in your browser because you know that it hurts your spouse when they find it.

Many times people mistake the “symptoms” for the “problem.” If someone is addicted to pornography, somewhere, at some point in time, it may have started as something fun they did when they were single. But now, it has become the “go to” when they want to escape from reality. So, the pornography itself isn’t’ the issue. It’s a heart issue. Why does this person need to escape from their current reality and look to porn to fill that need? That is the point couples need to focus on first.

Me: Beyond the obvious, what is the allure that keeps someone coming back again and again?

Stu: The allure is no consequences and no denial. If you don’t have to beg or cajole the image on the screen, that is much easier than having to negotiate a time between soccer and after the kids go to bed, or when they don’t feel like it, or some other perceived excuse to not have sex. Porn never gives an excuse to not have sex.

That’s the seduction. It’s an easy YES.

Porn makes the sexual act all about body parts and the looks of a person. Porn offers a surface look at body parts that is devoid of any type of emotional connection, which is necessary in marriage and healthy relationships. Anyone who has been married and had sex with one person for several years knows that the sex can get better as you get to know one another better. It doesn’t have as much to do with the body as it does with the connection to your spouse.

Me: Understandably, partners can feel hurt, angry, and envious of porn. While perhaps justified, these emotions don’t lead to healing, understanding or progress. What can a spouse do to help an addicted spouse overcome the problem?

Stu: To begin with, I think it’s important to understand that your spouse’s addiction has little to do with you. You didn’t drive your spouse to pornography. Your spouse might blame you, but your spouse made these choices.

That doesn’t mean you should be harsh or condemning. Try to take emotions out of it.

It is very important for someone who is addicted to know that there are consequences for behaviors. With love, say that this behavior is not acceptable for you and your marriage. Ask if it is a problem. Ask what they get from pornography. Suggest someone with which can talk openly about it such as a counselor, pastor, or support group.

It’s likely you’ll meet resistance. Until the addict decides that he wants to change, there will be no change. So, sometimes you have to be the change. I’m not saying divorce — but perhaps a long trip to see the family (if you don’t normally do that), or a separating until you see positive steps taken (like filters on computers, accountability with other people, counseling, or some other actions toward health).

There are also groups for spouses of addicted folks. Getting into a group that is healthy (not just badmouthing addicts) can be very beneficial. Also, reading about sex and porn addiction can be eye opening. There are several authors who have written specifically for spouses of sexually addicted people. Check out work from Mark Laaser and Pat and Stefanie Carnes.

Readers: Now it’s your turn. What’s your advice? What’s your take? Remember the rules.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

What Happened After I Melted Down at the Drive Thru

Alisa — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:33:03 +0000

Part 2 of You Solving My Problems

When I left off, I had just gotten word that the vet wanted to keep my dog overnight. The flood of emotions shorted my brain out for a few minutes. I was like the human equivalent of the spinning rainbow on a Mac computer.

I sat in the drive through with endless options – many of which didn’t make sense – going through my mind, options like:

Damn it. I’m taking that dog home tonight whether the vet likes it or not. After what I’ve been through, that dog is coming home!

I wonder if they can keep the dog for a few days. And the puppy, too. I wonder if I can drop my whole family off at the vet. Put them all in a run with cones on their heads for a night.

Do I have time to drive back to meditation?

If I call my husband, will he know what I should do?

If I go home and just go to bed, what will happen?

What would happen if I just sit here for a while? What would the people in the cars behind me do? Would I end up in the newspaper tomorrow? Would it end up being one more thing my kid will someday tell a therapist?

Finally, I just drove home. Once I pulled up to the house, I called the vet. I asked a lot of questions. The vet answered them. By the time I hung up, I was convinced that, for the benefit of the dog as well as all beings in the Emmaus zip code, the dog should stay overnight.

My husband, at that point, had opened the passenger door and was about to sit down.

“We’re not going to get him,” I said.

I explained things.

I can’t really tell you what happened during the next 45 or more minutes. My memory of those minutes has been wiped out. That might be because my brain was seemingly in a flat line. I was going through various motions of being a mother and a wife, but I wasn’t paying attention to anything I was doing—including whatever conversations I was or was not having. I vaguely remember eating leftovers (I had not gotten fast food for myself). I vaguely remember hugging my husband and telling him that I’d just had a very bad hour.

What I remember next, however, is vivid. I looked at my kid and saw the world and myself through her eyes.

“I’m sorry I lost my temper tonight,” I said.

“Mommy? Your eyes look funny.”

“I know.”

“Why are they so watery like that?”

“Because I’m sad,” I said. “You deserve a better mommy.”

It was then that she crawled on my lap, wrapped her arms around my neck, and plastered her belly to mine.

“Everyone makes mistakes Mommy,” she said.

Wiser words were never spoken.

She wiped my tears. Then she suggested we go to You Tube.

“What are we looking for?” I asked.

“Type in ‘big momma farts’ and see what comes up!” she suggested.

Yes, I will admit, that I did as she asked. I was curious. And, in my flat line state, I was also compliant.

Did you know that there are millions of farting videos on You Tube? There are videos on “the world’s longest fart” and countless videos of people lighting their farts on fire. There are videos of dogs farting and of farm animals farting. People have been filmed while farting in their sleep. There’s even one of a guy trying to light a grill on fire with his farts.

And most of these videos have been viewed millions of times.

Apparently, it’s quite stylish and in vogue to capture one’s fart on video and share it with the world. Who knew?

Something about all of this got me laughing so hard that I had to put my hand over my mouth for fear that I might throw up on my keyboard.

It did wonders for my brain chemistry.

And it was in this new state of mind that I was able to look back over my night and think about what had gone wrong. By “wrong,” I wasn’t trying to dissect what was good or bad about my night or about who was right or wrong.

What I wanted to know was this: When had I gone over the edge and why? When had my anger taken over? When had I lost control?

I wanted to tell myself that I’d lost it because I was concerned about my dog. I also wanted to believe that my kid was to blame—that any mother would have lost it if she’d been inflicted with such whining and lip.

Yet, neither was true. I realized that I’d lost it for two reasons.

I was sleep deprived. This had given me a shorter than usual fuse. Why I was sleep deprived and what I’m doing about it is a topic for a future post.
I felt pulled in too many divergent directions. My dog needed me. My kid needed me. My meditation class needed me. The puppy needed me. My clients needed me. A few close friends who were dealing with personal crises of their own needed me.

And I’d felt as if I was failing all of them at once. I felt frustrated and helpless.

It’s one of my values to be there for others. In my practice of Buddhism, I am trying to perfect giving. But where’s the line? How do I do that without losing myself?

The answers did not come to me right away. They came slowly over time.

Over the coming days, I realized a few things. They are in no particular order:

As some of you pointed out, I didn’t need to bring the suitcase to the class. It was a strong delusion that caused me to feel compelled to do that. In reality, the teacher would have gotten by without it.
I didn’t need to feed my kid right away. The hunger was not going to kill her. Plenty of children all over the world had felt that kind of hunger and had lived through the experience without complaining. I am sure of it.
I didn’t need to rearrange my entire schedule for the dog or for the vet. I could have told the vet that I had a meditation class that night and that 7 was not convenient. She would have been okay with that and worked with me on it.
While my friends wanted me, they didn’t need me. Sure I was a comfort to them, but they could solve their problems without my help.
While my various clients wanted my help right away, they didn’t need my help right away. In fact, like my friends, they were capable of solving their own issues without my intervention.

This all added up to one stark reality: I am not indispensable.

Everyone around me is capable of going on without me. While many people in my life might want me around, no one needs me around.

At first I didn’t like this realization. Once I sat with it and accepted it as truth, however, it was quite freeing.

This will not be the last time that I can’t be there for everyone who wants me. The best I can do is:

Be completely present and have a pure mind in each moment.
Be with whatever person or being I am with and not worry about the people or beings I am not with.
Help who I can help and pray for those I can’t.

I also realized something else. It’s this: Even though I know all of this to be true, I’m still going to attempt to be all things to all people—at least a few more times, if not 700.

That’s because I’m human. Finding balance takes practice.

What do you think?

Note: I want to respond to some of your comments from yesterday. I did have a talk with my kid about the whining and backtalk. One of the golden rules in our house is this: Listen. It’s the first of the 10 commandments around here. I do need to work better at enforcing it, though! That said, whining and backtalk has never killed anyone, not even the weakest of mothers. If I can learn to release my own attachment to emotional comfort, then I will be able to be a calm mommy ninja even when I’m being inundated with whining and back talk.

I love the tip many of you gave me about the snacks in the car. Car Hunger is actually something that plagues us on a regular basis, so this is a tip I am going to employ.

Finally, I am going to take the advice of many of you to heart. I will forgive myself.

Thank you for reading, pondering, and helping!

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

The Day I Melted Down at a Fast Food Drive Thru

Alisa — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:02:54 +0000

Another Post Where You Get to Solve My Problems

Frankendog with his dreaded cone.

This story scares me. It also embarrasses me.

I don’t even know where to start.

I suppose the beginning would be a good place.

I have two dogs. You’ve read about our new puppy. I also have an aging Doberman that I adopted from a shelter more than 11 years ago. He’s my running buddy and my napping buddy. He also listens to my problems with rapt attention. Whenever I work too hard, he walks over and tells me it’s time to take a break. Whenever I meditate, he sits next to me and doesn’t make a peep.

He’s a good boy.

He’s also very healthy. Whenever I bring him to the vet for a check up, she raves about how fit and healthy he is.

But his breed is prone to developing benign fatty tumors. For the most part, they’re just ugly and nothing more. In the past few months, however, the poor old dog developed a huge growth on his hind leg. Soon, instead of him pulling me during a run, I was encouraging him to keep up. One day he skulked off when he saw the leash. He didn’t want to go. It broke my heart.

Not much later, he couldn’t get up on the bed. Then he couldn’t get into my car without help.

I took him to the vet. She told me that I had two options. I could have the growth and a few others removed and possibly buy him a few more happy years. Or I could do nothing. Eventually he wouldn’t be able to walk. Because he’s an 80 pound dog, not being able to walk would be a big deal.

So I opted for surgery.

Last Tuesday was surgery day. I walked my kid to school. Then I dropped the old dog off at the vet. I also dropped the puppy off at daycare. I wanted the puppy to be completely tired out for when the old dog came home. This was the one thing I did right that day.

Then I forgot about the kid and the dogs and went to work.

Around 3 pm, I called the vet because I had not heard from her. She told me that the old dog was doing okay, but suggested I not pick him up until 7 pm. The old dog has a mild blood clotting disorder and had really swelled up from the surgery as a result. The vet just wanted to observe him for a few hours before sending him home.

This was a problem. On Tuesday nights I assist with a meditation class that starts at 7 pm and ends around 8:30. It’s a half hour away from my house.

There was no way I could pick up the dog and help with the class.

Okay, fair enough, I realized I needed bail on the class. Hey, I’m no dummy.

I emailed a couple people and explained the situation. Because I keep all of the class materials – including sign up sheets, a donation basket, and the photo of the Buddha—in a suitcase that I bring to class, I offered to drop off the suitcase before class so the main teacher could still set up.

By 5 pm, I was wrapping up a few work things and I was pressed for time.

I raced out to pick up my kid. Then I picked up the puppy. Then I came home. As I walked the puppy and carried the puppy’s crate into the house, I said to my kid, “Please take your backpack and coat out of the car.”

She whined about how it was too hard to do so and why I should do it instead.

I told her that I had my hands full. The fact that I had my hands full should have been obvious. After all, the puppy was pulling me all over the yard. I kept dropping my keys and the crate kept banging into my legs, causing me to say “Ow” really loudly over and over again.

She whined again about how I should do it.

I felt the anger start to build, so I began telling myself all of the things I usually tell myself when I don’t want to bite someone’s head off.

I managed to breathe away the anger.

Or so I thought.

I got inside. I put the crate down. I asked my kid to feed the dog. She gave me a load of lip.

“Damn it Kaarina!” I shouted. I shouted it so loudly that the house shook. I do not believe that I am exaggerating.

It felt good to shout that loudly. That’s the kind of anger I was feeling. It was the it-feels-so-freaking-good-to-shout-at-a-little-kid anger. I don’t remember what I said next. It had something to do with how I was going to take away everything she loved for the rest of her life if she didn’t feed the puppy.

She fed the puppy, but kept giving me lip about how it was really my puppy because I was the one who paid for it.

I told her that, by that reasoning, all of her toys were my toys.

And under my breath I threatened to burn them.

“What?’ she asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “We’re in a hurry tonight. You know I hate being in a hurry. But we are in one. So if I were you, I would be very quiet and just do as I tell you. That way I won’t accidentally say something that hurts your feelings.”

I got the puppy outside. The puppy did her puppy business. I crated her. Then we got in the car so I could get the suitcase to meditation class. It’s a half hour drive. I think I told you that already.

It was around this time that my daughter told me that she was hungry. I ignored her. She told me she was hungry over and over again until I responded. I said something like, “Good, learn how to release your attachment to comfort. This is good practice for you. And learn a little gratitude. Some people go hungry for days and weeks. Be thankful that for you it will only be for a few hours.”

She kept whining.

I kept gripping the steering wheel more tightly. I’m surprised I didn’t break it.

She started asking me things like, “Why is it taking so long?” and “When are we going to get there?” and “Why can’t you stop at Panera?”

I didn’t trust myself to say anything nice, so I went with the not saying anything at all tactic.

Next thing I knew, I’d missed the turn for the meditation class and I was saying a string of words that would offend some of you if I actually typed them. So I won’t type them.

I dropped off the suitcase.

Then it was back to the car to reverse the entire trip I’d just made.

More whining and more steering wheel gripping went on for the next half hour.

By the time I neared our house to pick up my husband, I had about 5 minutes to spare, so, with a great sense of forced generosity, I pulled into a McDonald’s. My kid was thrilled because we almost never do fast food, but she wanted me to go to a different McDonald’s because the other one had better toys. How she knows this, I do not know. I said something about how I don’t have time to go to another stupid McDonald’s so she better order her stupid food now before I changed my mind and made her eat Brussels spouts for dinner.

She ordered.

I waited for my order. I pulled out my phone to call my husband and tell him that I was almost there to pick him up before getting the old dog.

That’s when I saw I had a message.

It was from the vet, suggesting that I leave the dog there overnight.

It was around this time that I started crying. I was crying from relief, frustration, concern and regret. I was relieved that the saga was over for the night, but I was also frustrated that I’d just raced around town for nothing. I was sad that I had missed meditation for no good reason because I obviously really needed to be there. I was also worried about my poor dog. I was thinking about how he must be suffering and how he must feel abandoned. I was also crying because I didn’t like myself in that moment. I was crying because I thought I could have done better. I was crying because I thought I hadn’t lived up to my potential.

And I was crying because I thought my kid deserved better.

Finally I was crying because I was trying not to cry. You probably know how that is. Or do you?

Since this post is already 1300 words long, I’ll stop here and bring you part 2 tomorrow. Until then, you can let me know what you think I did wrong and what you think I should have done next to correct my errors.

It has come to my attention that many of you have been getting errors when trying to comment. I’ve worked with a tech God to try to fix this. If you cannot comment on this post, can you email me to let me know? Alisa (at) alisabowman (dot) com.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to Feed Your Marriage

Alisa — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:17:22 +0000

Even When You’ve Got a Brood of Kids

What follows is how several bloggers, experts, and authors keep their marriage strong no matter how much chaos ensues at home. Do you notice a theme?

Feed them and then shoo them away. “I love family meals, in theory,” says Denise Schipani, author of the upcoming Mean Moms Rule (don’t you just love the title? Pre order it!) and creator of Confessions of a Mean Mommy. “But I also l like that we’ve fallen into the routine of feeding our boys weekend breakfasts early, then having our second (and third) cups of coffee and our own morning meal while they disappear to other pursuits. It’s like a mini-date, without makeup. Also helps that my husband likes to make eggs for me.”

Enforce bedtime like a drill sergeant. “Our boys get shooed upstairs at a predictable time each night,” says Schipani. “They don’t have to tuck up in the dark, necessarily; they can play or read or whatever. As long as they don’t come back downstairs. I need my mom switch to slide to off at a certain time, and just be with my husband. It’s not as though we’re slow-dancing in the living room (sometimes we barely even talk), but we’re not actively being parents.”

Ask for “Private Time.” “One of our most inspired ideas as parents of young kids was the initiation of Private Time,” says Kimberly Ford, author of Hump: True Tales of Sex After Kids. “We simply told the kids: ‘We’re having Private Time! Get lost!’ Well, maybe not quite in that tone, but often pretty close to that. Private Time could be a glass of wine in the living room, a game of cards on the patio, a ten-minute walk with the dogs, or, yes, an interlude in the bedroom with the door shut and the music turned up loud. One important point here is that the kids–during Private Time–get to have Media Time, which means that everyone is happy.”

Make “sexy” an all-day-long affair. “When our youngest kids turned about 5, I learned to embrace my sexual energy all throughout the day instead of seeing myself as the poor Mom who was stuck with all these responsibilities,” says Gina Parris, founder of WinningAtRomance.com and SexyMarriageSolution. “I practiced fantasizing about getting alone with my husband and returning to hot mama status. I wish I had practiced that many years earlier from the time the youngest ones were tiny. When I approach my husband feeling beautiful and sensuous, somehow it doesn’t matter that I’m a little tired or there is baby puke on my shoulder – because all of it is part of a beautiful sensuous life.

Make date night a hot night. “Dating isn’t just something you do,” says Shela Dean, relationship coach and author Frequent Foreplay Miles. “It’s a mindset. Having a 24/7 generous, what-can-I-do-for-you attitude goes a long way toward keeping a couple bonded. When it comes to date night, however, try this: Guys, get dressed and get out. Go have the car washed, get your shoes shined, or pick up flowers. Ladies, take that time to primp. Crank up the music, pour yourself a glass of wine, take a bubble bath, give yourself a facial, and dress in whatever makes you feel great so that when he rings the door bell at the appointed time, you’ll feel and look your sexy best. Start and end your date with a good, long, smooch. If you end up making out in the car, all the better! When you get home, let dad take care of the babysitter—he won’t lose the mood. Mom, by-pass the babysitter, go straight to the bedroom and don your sexiest nightie. Don’t even stop to ask how the kids were. Once you do, you’re back in mom mode and out of date mode. One last tip: when you’re on your date, DO NOT talk about the same old stuff. Leave it all at home.”

Have a date every day. “My gift to the hubby for Christmas this past year was 52 dates in 2012,” says Danielle Cooper, who blogs at TheBestofPa. “Seeing that we are no millionaires-like not even close- I have set up lots of at home micro dates. This requires waiting till AFTER the kiddos go to bed, and some creativity. Thus far, we have had a game night involving small bets with Monopoly Deal, a spa Night- complete with candles, soft music, lotion and a back rub, and alas a mini treasure hunt. It has been wonderful for the romance! And I can say my love has bloomed since we began this venture.”

Eat slowly. Savor every bite. “We make it a point to connect after the kids go to bed. And we also have discovered that since our kids eat faster than we do, they leave the table sooner so we eat slow and take advantage of the latter part of dinner together. Starts as a family dinner, ends as a dinner for two,” says Corey Allen, creator of SimpleMarriage.net.

Have a Parent’s Night In (PNI). “So, we absolutely love being able to get out of the house and enjoy a quiet (or not so quiet) date night by ourselves. Unfortunately, with three small kids and a lack of free babysitting, nights out on the town just can’t happen as often as we’d like,” says Dustin Riechmann, creator of Engaged Marriage and Fit Marriage. “Our solution? Date nights IN – we get the kids to bed early, uncork a bottle of wine (or two) and do something fun right at home. That could be as simple as a movie, some Guitar Hero on Wii or just chilling out in the backyard next to a fire and chatting. When you think of date night, don’t get into the trap of thinking it’s an all or nothing proposition!”

CONGRATS to Ayelet who won the January Reader of the Month. She will be getting a $50 gift card! If you would like to be in the running for Reader of the Month, all you have to do is leave a lot of comments. As long as you are one of the top commenters listed in the “people who comment the most” widget to the right, you will have a 1 in 10 chance of winning by random drawing. Thanks to Cheap Rental Cars for sponsoring this award.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Discuss: Are People Inherently Good?

Alisa — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:50:39 +0000

A friend emailed after having a terrible time at a social gathering. Various people had teased her and made hurtful remarks.

“I know you believe that all people are good, but I’m just not seeing that,” she challenged.

Her email gave me pause. Did I believe this? I wasn’t sure.

What I do believe is that we all have the potential to do good, but we don’t always actually do it. The reasons we fall short are many. Here are only a few:

We’re under the influence of anger, envy, greed, apathy or another negative emotion that prevents us from being our best selves.
It’s not convenient. Case in point: Over the weekend, I didn’t give money to a homeless person at an intersection. This wasn’t because I didn’t have the money and it wasn’t out of greed. It was merely because he was standing toward the right of my car and I didn’t feel like reaching across the passenger seat to hand money out the window. (And, yes, I’m embarrassed to admit this).
Often, being good requires us to share something we would much rather keep to ourselves, whether it’s money, food off our plate, or our umbrella.
It’s scary. It’s not easy to stick up for the person all of your friends are making fun of. It’s a lot easier to go along with group think, even if that group think is wrong.
We’ve deluded ourselves into thinking we’re justified. I’m guessing that slave owners in the 1700s found a way to mentally justify their actions. I doubt they thought of themselves as bad people despite the widespread suffering they inflicted on others every single day.
We’re tapped. Without enough rest, few of us are capable of being our best selves.
We’re distracted. Who has time for good deeds when she’s in the middle of a hot game of Words for Friends?

I could go on. Could you?

Perhaps most interesting: many people accidentally harm when they intend to do good. Think of the man who does the dishes because his wife has been complaining about how he never does anything around the house. Then he announces that he’s done the dishes because he’s so happy that he’s finally been able to do something good for his wife. She, however, responds with irritation because she can’t believe he feels he deserves an award for something she does everyday.

Or think of the friend who is trying to cheer up another friend, but accidentally says something hurtful and doesn’t even realize it.

Or the person who posts something to Facebook thinking that he’s just brightened the days of many, only to later realize he’s just pissed off 568 people and he doesn’t know why or how.

I’m guessing you can think of many examples from your own life.

Perhaps most important is this: it’s pointless to worry too much about whether other people are good or bad. After all, blaming other people for our misery never gets us anywhere. It doesn’t make us any happier and it doesn’t change the world for the better. It only mires us in an unfulfilling holding pattern.

What’s much more fruitful is this: continually trying to be a better person. I can’t work on you, but I can work on me. I try to start everyday with the intention to do good and bring light into the lives of others. I do this despite the fact that I always fall short of this goal. I lose my temper. I daydream while my kid is telling me something she thinks is very important. I forget to check in with friends. I fail to help those who are less fortunate and I get irritated that my puppy does things that puppies do. And, sometimes, I don’t even remember that I want to be a good person.

But that’s all okay. None of that makes me a bad person. It just makes me human. It’s also what makes life rich and interesting.

So I wake up the next day, and I try all over again.

How about you? Do you believe some people are good and others are evil? Discuss.

Note: I’d like to periodically feature posts on life’s big questions so we can all hash them out together. What big life questions do you think I should cover?

Side note #1: I’ll run Part 2 of balancing marriage with parenthood later this week.

Side note #2: If you are reading this by email and would like to comment on the post, click through here. That will take you to the blog where you can leave a comment. If you merely reply to the email, your comment goes into my email inbox and I’m the only person who can see it.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How Do You Balance Marriage With Kids?

Alisa — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 18:20:12 +0000

In Other Words, This Reader Needs Your Help

For our first post in the Save This Reader’s Marriage series, we’re going to help Ayelet solve this problem. She wrote, “To balance marriage and children. It’s all around the children. We hardly have time to ourselves – technically and mentally.”

You know, I could use a little help in this department, too. That’s why, next week, I’m going to interview a few experts on marriage and dating. Until then, here’s my advice:

Designate a date night. Get a sitter. Have time to yourselves.
Put the kids to bed earlier. Even if they aren’t sleepy, make them spend time in their rooms so you can have uninterrupted time with each other.
Do some tasks together. Many couples have a divide and conquer strategy. He shops at the grocery store while she cooks. She cleans while he does yard work. Try doing some chores together. You pick which ones.
Get your kids involved in sports or activities and watch them together from the sidelines.
Let more slide. Put “spending time together” higher on your to-do list than “cleaning the house.”

I know. I know. My suggestions are lame. Did I not say that I needed help in this department, too? Readers: how do you balance marriage with the kids?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.