Priceless Parenting Blog

When Negative Comments About Your Parenting Lead to Feelings of Shame

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

A mom told me how terrible she felt when her own parents made negative comments about her parenting. For example, they noticed that her 3-year-old didn’t always pay attention to what she said and they thought she should be disciplining her child for that. Although she didn’t agree, she also felt shame that her parenting wasn’t as good as it should be.

Researcher Brene Brown has discovered that parenting is an area that easily triggers shame. Once you feel shame, you are not in a place to do your best parenting. What’s the solution? Sharing your story with someone who can be empathetic certainly helps.

Brown described it this way in a recent interview, “If you have a petri dish and you have shame in there, this pervasive feeling of not being good enough and not being ‘whatever’ enough — thin enough, rich enough, popular enough, promoted enough, loved enough. It only needs three things to survive in this little Petri dish and actually to grow exponentially and creep into every corner and crevice of your life and those are secrecy, silence and judgment. If you have the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and you douse it with some empathy, you share your story with someone who can hear you and look back at you and say you’re not alone, shame dies.”

Having a good friend or two that you can rely on is so important. When you hear negative comments about your parenting, share your story and know that you are not alone.

When Playing Quietly Means Marker All Over the Floor

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

One mom wrote that she should have known better than to think she could sit down for a few minutes while her 2-year-old twin daughters played nicely together. When she got up to check on the girls, her pleasant feelings were quickly smashed as she saw black marker scribbles on the rug and dining room floor.

She had explained multiple times that crayons, pens and markers were for paper only. The girls knew that writing on walls, floors, furniture, clothes, or skin were all off limits. However, the fun of doing those things was apparently too much to resist.

The girls broke into tears when their mom told them that choosing to draw on the floor also meant they chose to go to timeout. Some parenting experts claim that children that young cannot learn from a timeout. However, when my young son drew on the floor and also earned a timeout, it was the last time he ever did that. Hopefully these girls will only be drawing on paper from now on!

Discovering the Healthy Goals Underlying Your Children's Misbehavior

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Kids don’t always know how to ask for what they need so sometimes they ask in inappropriate ways. For example, a child wanting attention may scream or push a sibling knowing that this always gets your attention. While this certainly gets attention, it’s not the positive attention that asking for a hug or asking to be held would have achieved.

Psychologist Alfred Adler taught that all behavior has a purpose. The trick with kids is figuring what the purpose is behind their misbehavior so that you can help them find healthier ways to achieve their goals.

One teacher found that asking kids about their behavior worked well. If she saw Kara pinch Anna she would comment, “I noticed you pinched Anna. What is it you are trying to tell her?” Most of the time kids like Kara would be able to give an explanation like “I want Anna to play with me.” The teacher then brainstormed with Kara other ways she could let Anna know this.

Next time your kids are misbehaving, try asking them what they really want. They may not know but just asking the question can help them start thinking about better ways to achieve their goals.

Teaching Positive Affirmations That Can Calm a Stressed Child Down

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

When children are having a meltdown, their emotions are in control and their bodies are getting flooded with chemicals like adrenalin. At this point it is hard for them to think or process anything you might say. However, before they’ll be able to gain emotional control, they’ll need to get their thinking engaged and focused on more positive thoughts.

You can help your children move more easily through these emotional times by teaching them some simple affirmations they can use. When they are in a calm state, teach them things they can say to themselves like:

I’m safe.
I’m calm.
I can handle this.
I will do my best.

By practicing saying these statements every day, your children will have them on the tip of their tongue when they most need them!

When Technology Takes Over Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

How do you know when your kids are becoming too attached to their technology? One mom knew when she asked her son to turn off his Xbox game and instead of turning it off, he shoved her.

Being pushed was a big red flag for her since he was normally a cooperative kid. After a family meeting, they decided to have no TV, movies or computer games from Sunday evening until the following Friday evening. She says their home is much more pleasant with this new rule.

Young kids becoming addicted to video games is a problem across the world. An international study of video gaming among kids found about 9% of children in grades 3 - 8 were pathological gamers - resulting in depression, anxiety, social phobias, and lower school performance.

As with all potential addictions, it’s much easier to control the behavior before it becomes a full blown addiction. If your kids are starting to show signs of being too attached to their technology, it’s time to make a change.

Responding to Embarrassing Children's Behavior

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

When your children misbehave in public, how do you feel? Most parents report they feel embarrassed, angry or frustrated. It’s hard to parent your best when you’re feeling like that!

Handling Tantrums When Out Shopping

Dena explained that giving her young children brief time outs worked well at home. However, the same idea failed miserably one day when she was shopping with her 5, 3 and 1-year-old children.

When Dena told 3-year-old Ryan that he could not have the sugary dinosaur cereal he wanted, he began screaming. She tried distracting him by pointing out a special display. When that didn’t work, she took the kids outside and had Ryan sit on a bench while she and the other two kids looked at the display in the window nearby.

She tried ignoring Ryan but then he got down and started banging his head on the ground. Dena quietly went over, sat Ryan back on the bench and walked away. Again he started banging his head.

She went back over and said "You need to stop banging your head. You're going to hurt yourself" and put him back on the bench. As she walked away he came running behind her screaming, throwing an even bigger tantrum.

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

Coping Skills for Frustrated Preschoolers

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

A mom wrote "What can I do to help my 3 1/2 year old daughter deal better with her frustration? She often releases her frustration by hitting, stomping her feet and screaming. We use time out as consequences to this behavior, but I'd like to be able to teach her how to deal with it herself rather than punish her. We've tried telling her to take deep breathes and count to 10, but so far that hasn't worked. She gets frustrated very quickly when she struggles to do something like getting dressed or getting a toy to work."

I responded:

Your daughter is exhibiting typical 3-year-old behavior. Both my kids had plenty of frustration fits when they were that age. One skill all kids need to learn is how to get a grip when things don't go their way. What worked best for my son was giving him some time and space to recover. He figured out how to calm himself down and when I tried to help it only made matters worse.

It can also help if you show empathy by guessing at what she’s feeling and why (“You seem really frustrated. Is it because trying to put your doll's clothes on is so difficult?) If you guess right, she might initially express even more of that emotion but then she will likely calm down after she feels heard and understood.

Children develop enough emotional regulation to not have tantrums somewhere between 3 and 5 years old. I definitely found the preschool years to be the most challenging parenting years … but all your hard work will pay off!

No, Don’t, Stop! Commands Inviting Rebellion Instead of Cooperation

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:00:00 +0000

It’s easy to get into the habit of repeatedly saying to your children some form of “No, Don’t or Stop”. Once you have the habit, it’s hard to even recognize that you are using so many negative phrases with your kids.

Do any of these sound familiar?

Stop fighting!
Stop that whining!
Don’t give me that look.
No, you’re not going out at this time of night.
Don’t touch that.
Stop bothering him.

If you catch yourself using negative phrases, the challenge is to figure out how to communicate the same message in a more positive way.

Here are some ideas for the statements above:

You both want to play with the bear. How are you going to solve this?
I’ll be happy to listen to you when your voice sounds like mine.
I’ll be happy to talk to you just as soon as you are looking at me with respect.
You’re welcome to go out tomorrow night when it’s not so late.
That could break, you can hold this instead.
He wants to be left alone right now. What else would you like to do?

The more positive messages give kids a choice without demanding that they change their behavior. This increases the possibility for cooperation instead of rebellion.

Unintentionally Adding Fuel to Your Children’s Misbehavior

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Recently I was sitting in church listening to the intergenerational choir sing a beautiful song. My attention was broken when a preschool boy a couple rows ahead started protesting and crying. His mother looked embarrassed as she quickly stood up to take him out of the church.

As she picked him up, she pleaded in a quivering voice "Zack, you have to stop crying!" Her command to stop crying caused him to escalate his behavior to also include hitting her on the head. Ouch!

If you’ve ever been in a public situation struggling with your children’s behavior, you can relate to what this mom was going through. Although it’s unclear what caused Zach’s outburst in the first place, his mom’s response unintentionally added fuel to the fire.

When you realize that a situation didn’t go as well as you wished, it’s helpful to review what happened after the fact and figure out what you might want to do differently in the future.

Keeping Your Private Parts Private

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Kimberly King, a kindergarten teacher, thought she had done a good job of discussing appropriate and inappropriate touch with her kids. However, when her 5-year-old son, Zack, went to the neighbor's house for a sleepover, he was not really prepared for what happened. Zack ended up being pressured by his best friend to engage in inappropriate behavior.

While Zack found creative ways to resist cooperating, he was deeply effected by the event. This book is co-written by Zack and his mom as a way to help other kids learn from Zack's experience.

It's a wonderful resource for helping discuss the difference between people who are behaving appropriately ("green flag people") and those who aren't ("red flag people"). Children are given examples of how they might be bribed or threatened along with ideas for how to tell someone.

May There Be Peace in Your Home

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.

If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.

If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.

If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.

If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.

-- Lao Tzu (570-490 B.C.)

Children Do Bring Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Although there are various research studies showing couples with children are not as happy as those without children, I know that I'm happier because I have children. They've enriched my life in ways that are hard to measure.

In her book, The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin describes the happiness children provide. She begins by stating

"From my own experience, I knew that Jamie and I squabbled far more often once we had kids, we had fewer adventures, and we had less time for each other. Nevertheless, despite these findings, I had to reject the experts' argument that children don't bring happiness. Because they do. Not always in a moment-to-moment way, perhaps, but in a more profound way."

She then goes on to describe this happiness.

"In many ways, the happiness of having children falls into the kind of happiness that could be called fog happiness. Fog is elusive. Fog surrounds you and transforms the atmosphere, but when you try to examine it, it vanishes. Fog happiness is the kind of happiness you get from activities that, closely examined, don't really seem to bring much happiness at all - yet somehow they do."

The deep love I feel for my children is part of my fog; it surrounds me with warmth even when we're apart.

Calm, Confident Parenting - 6 Week Class

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Creating a Frazzle-Free Family

Do you want to begin 2012 by bringing out the fantastic in your family? Are you ready to replace yelling and threatening with calm, confident parenting?

Parenting can be a pleasure or a pain. You will experience more pleasure when you have the right tools.

We'll explore ideas that can save your sanity and pave a path to a joyful family life. Learn how to turn ...

tantrums into emotional regulation
not listening into cooperation
arguments into conversations
power struggles into mutual agreements
disrespect into civil behavior

Do you have children ages 1 - 12? Register today for one of these classes:

Choice #1

Dates: Mondays, Jan. 9th - Feb. 13th, 7:00 - 8:30 PM
Location: Evergreen Hospital, 12040 NE 128th Street, Kirkland, WA
Cost: $197/person or $297/couple - register by 12/31 to save $20/person

Choice #2

Dates: Mondays, Jan. 9th - Feb. 13th, 11:00 - 12:30 PM Pacific Time
Location: online (recordings will be available)
Cost: $197/person or $297/couple - register by 12/31 to save $20/person

About the Presenter
Kathy Slattengren, M. Ed., has helped thousands of parents from across the United States to Australia through her online classes, presentations, coaching and Priceless Parenting Guidebook. Parents excitedly report their success in replacing yelling and threatening with calm, confident parenting. When your children’s behavior is really pushing your buttons, discover ways to set effective limits, invite cooperation and have a lot more fun together!

More Information
Contact Kathy at 425-770-1629 or Kathy@PricelessParenting.com

Tots and Technology

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

The amount of screen time recommended by experts for young children and the amount of screen time the average child watches are two very different numbers. Kids are averaging double the amount of recommended time in front of screens.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends:

Children under 2 should have no screen time (Research reality: these kids average of 2 hours per day)
Children over the age of 2 should watch no more than 2 hours a day (Research reality: these kids average of 4 hours per day)

Why is this so important? Young children’s brains are being wired based on what they are experiencing. One of the critical systems being developed is how to form and maintain emotional relationships. Developing these emotional relationships requires lots of interaction with loving caregivers. When kids miss this care, later on they fail to thrive in peer relationships and also tend to do poorly in school.

There are so many tantalizing new devices being developed for tots like the Vinci tablet. The description on Amazon is “VINCI is a new category of early learning systems exclusively designed for children ages 4 and under.” While it’s tempting to plug young kids into screens to keep them occupied, there are serious ramifications which are not immediately apparent.

You are responsible for setting limits on your children’s screen time. The Active Bodies, Active Mind website has more ideas for reducing screen time.

Creating Your Frazzle-Free Family

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Take a minute to sit back and think about a time when your family was operating smoothly and everyone was feeling pretty good. What was going on?

Below are some of the things that come to mind for my family when things are going well.

Everyone is

pitching in with household tasks
joining the family for meals
acting respectful
feeling supported and loved
remembering to let the rest of the family know where they are and when they'll be home
feeling like they have enough time and don't have to rush
healthy, getting enough rest and exercise
having some time for fun

Do these things happen all the time? No, but when they do happen, our family atmosphere is more pleasant.

Beginning with Changing Yourself

What changes could you make to your own behavior which would positively impact your family? Since you absolutely control your own behavior, you can make these changes happen!

Gretchen Rubin invested a year working on changing her life for the better. Each month she focused on a different part of her life and described her journey in The Happiness Project. She tackled things like going to bed earlier, organizing her things, asking for help, stopping nagging, acknowledging people's feelings and taking time to be silly.

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

Developing Empathy

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

How do children learn to have empathy for others? They learn it by experiencing empathy themselves.

When children are upset, you can show empathy by identifying the feeling they are expressing and then making a guess as to why they are feeling that way. For example if your child is crying you might say, “You look really sad. Is it because we have to leave now?” If you guess right, your child may cry even harder because you’ve acknowledged the feeling.

However, children also recover more quickly after feeling heard. By expressing empathy for your child, the whole incident will probably go more smoothly than had you responded “stop crying” or “you’re fine”.

Too Many Gifts

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

I was recently meeting with three couples from a very wealthy family. Each of these couples was concerned about the amount of gifts their children received from the grandparents. It wasn’t just slightly overboard … those kids received hundreds of presents. They even had trouble staying focused on opening that many presents.

The parents were overwhelmed with the amount of stuff their children received. They needed to cart it all back home plus find a place for everything. Yikes!

What could these parents do to improve the situation? One option would be to sit down with the grandparents ahead of time and discuss their concerns. However, the couples felt they really couldn’t talk to the grandparents about reducing the amount of presents without causing a major family rift. The grandparents wanted to express their love with all these gifts.

Another option would be for the parents to allow the children to keep a certain number of presents and donate the rest. Or the children and parents could go through the previous years’ gifts in November and donate a majority of those presents.

Have you dealt with a similar situation? Please leave a comment about how you handled it.

Negotiating for a Different Choice

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

What do you do when you give your children a choice and instead of one of your options they come up with their own option? One mom explained how frustrated she felt when her 4-year-old son did this. Whatever she choices she offered, he always wanted something else.

She solved the problem by giving him another choice; she could choose or he could choose. He always decided he wanted to be the one making the choice!

Practicing Gratitude

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

How is practicing gratitude built into your family routines? Do you give thanks before meals? Do you have a gratitude jar on your table for family members to leave notes of thanks? My favorite gratitude practice is thinking of three things I’m thankful for before getting out of bed each morning.

Brene Brown has actually researched gratitude. In The Gifts of Imperfection she explains what her research has revealed, "When it comes to gratitude, the word that jumped out at me throughout this research process is practice. I don't necessarily think another researcher would have been so taken aback, but as someone who thought that knowledge was more important than practice, I found these words to be a call to action."

Knowledge is helpful but all the knowledge in the world doesn’t matter if you don’t put it into practice. Gratitude takes practice. How do you and your children practice it?

When are children able to imitate you?

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

How old do children need to be before they start imitating others? Surprisingly, babies are born ready to imitate!

Andrew Meltzoff, one of the authors of The Scientist in the Crib, found that newborn babies only hours old could imitate him sticking out his tongue. Look out mom and dad ... your baby is ready to watch and imitate you right away!

Here is a fun video showing a dad whose twin babies are imitating his dancing in their own way:

Rhymes and Songs for Young Children

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

One of my children’s favorite activities when they were young was attending Story Time at our local library. Miss Theresa, our librarian, was excellent at keeping the children’s attention while also making them feel special and included.

Thanks to the King County Libraries for capturing some of these favorite rhymes and songs in videos. You can watch these videos with your children or watch them yourself so you can teach your children new songs and rhymes. There are over 900 rhymes and songs so you’ll have plenty to choose from!

Finding a Solution Instead of Issuing a Consequence

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:03:00 +0000

A mom explained how worried and angry she was when her teenage son did not come home from school one day and failed to let her know where he was. Although he has a cellphone, he forgot to call and let her know he was staying after school to work on a project.

When he came home, she told him the consequence for his forgetting to call was that he would not be able to choose any TV programs for the next week. He would have to watch whatever the other family members had selected.

How would this situation be different if instead of searching for a consequence to fit the crime, they looked for a solution? What solutions might work? Perhaps he could set an alarm on his cellphone for 5 minutes after school ends to remind him to call if he wasn’t coming straight home. Or he could write his after school plans on a calendar at home. He could leave a note on the kitchen table in the morning if he planned to stay late.

There are lots of possible solutions to help ensure the problem doesn’t occur again. If you were in this boy’s shoes, would you prefer having a consequence or coming up with a solution?

Excellent math, science, history tutoring - free!

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:28:00 +0000

A number of parents have shared their frustration over watching their kids struggle with math and science. There's now a solution!

I recently learned about the Khan Academy from my husband who is an 8th grade science teacher at a private school in Seattle. As part of the teachers' ongoing education, he attended a workshop where he heard Salman Khan, founder of Khan Academy, speak.

Starting the Khan Academy

Khan began tutoring his nieces and nephews in 2004. Since he was in a different city than they were, he talked them through the problems while using Yahoo!'s Doodle notepad to show them what he meant.

He was excellent at explaining math concepts and soon he had more students than he could easily handle given his full time job as a hedge fund analyst.

A friend suggested that he capture what he was teaching in Youtube videos. This was the beginning of what is now a library of over 2,600 videos available free at the Khan Academy.

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

What were your parents like?

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

How were you raised? What did you like about what your parents did and what things do you want to do differently with your own children? What type of parenting did your children's other parent experience?

It's unlikely that both of you experienced similar childhoods. That means that unconsciously you will each be parenting from a different background. If you both remember loving how your parents treated you, you will have an easier time parenting because you can simply repeat what you learned from your parents.

However, if you are like many, there are things you absolutely want to do differently with your own children. For example, I knew I didn't want to spank my kids even though I was spanked. We also knew we didn't want to put extreme academic pressure on our children like my husband had experienced.

Changing your parenting to be different than the way you were raised takes work. One wonderful way to explore other ideas for parenting is through taking a parenting class or reading and discussing parenting books together.

My husband and I took parenting classes and read books. It was the best investment we've ever made!

Who controls what?

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:59:00 +0000

When you find yourself in power struggles with your children, consider what you actually control versus what your children control. If you are trying to control something they ultimately control, then you will probably lose.

For example, one parent who helped out at her child’s preschool noticed that the adults were often struggling with the children over putting on their jackets before going outside. The kids would complain that they weren’t cold and then refused to cooperate in getting their jackets on.

The adults decided to change the situation by creating a new expectation that all children would take their jackets outside with them but they could either hang them up outside or wear them. If they hung their jacket up outside, they could always put it on if they got cold.

The children were much more cooperative given their new authority over whether or not to put on their jackets. Everyone was happier!