Priceless Parenting Blog

Annoying kids with unwanted help

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Bill described how much he wanted to help his 5th grade son with his math homework. Bill enjoys math and was looking forward to sharing his knowledge with his son, Mark.

He joined Mark at the table where he was doing homework and asked Mark to explain the problem he was working on. Mark explained the problem but was clearly annoyed with having to do this. Bill interrupted Mark’s explanation when he saw that Mark was taking the wrong approach on solving the problem. Eventually Mark and Bill became so irritated and frustrated that they blew up at each other.

Bill left feeling rejected. After discussing the situation with other parents, he decided that next time he will wait for an invitation to help with homework. If he does get in a similar situation and realizes that Mark is annoyed, he will try saying something like “I can see you are annoyed. I’ll be in the other room, just give a shout if you want my help.”

Problems with praise

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Researchers studying the effects of praising children for general abilities like their intelligence or their artistic ability have found that this type of praise encourages children to take fewer risks and not try as hard. General praise might sound like:

“You’re really smart.”
“You’re an awesome soccer player!”
“Your drawing ability is remarkable.”

What could possibly be wrong with general praise? Children receiving this type of praise may conclude that all they need is their natural ability and do not need to work hard. They may also become afraid of trying anything risky that might prove they aren’t as gifted as others think they are.

In Po Bronson’s article, “How Not to Talk to Your Kids”, he describes an experiment by Carol Dweck which found that students praised for their intelligence instead of their effort were far less likely to choose a more challenging puzzle. According to Bronson,

Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”

Parents who expect their children to fail as part of the learning process and who also guide them in overcoming failures give their children a wonderful gift.

Children irritating others

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Recently I’ve read a number of stories where people are upset by parents who are not appropriately responding to their children’s misbehavior. When children are irritating others or destroying other’s property, parents have a responsibility to step in and set some limits. These are some examples of situations where parents were not responding and others were becoming upset:

A young boy was ripping up church brochures and leaving a mess. His parents were nearby but didn’t do anything.
A girl made a rude comment to a stranger. The parents ignored it although it upset the stranger.
A young girl was screaming for an extended period of time in a store. A number of customers were upset that the mother was not responding to this girl.
A child was kicking the back of the seat ahead of him in the airplane. The parents did not intervene to stop this behavior.

Although it can be especially difficult to handle misbehavior in public situations, parents have a duty to do so. If you’re struggling for effective ways to handle your children’s misbehavior, taking the Priceless Parenting online parenting class will give you plenty of practical ideas.

Teaching babies sign language

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Babies as young as 5-months-old can learn to use sign language to communicate. Parents can teach their babies how to sign things like:

“Milk”

“I would like more.”

“My head hurts.”

"My diaper needs to be changed.”

Nancy Hanauer, founder of Hop to Signaroo, explains “Signing reduces the frustration you and your baby feel when your little one can't express his or her needs.” You can learn basic sign language from various websites, books and classes (if you live near Seattle, you can take one of Nancy's awesome classes!). Nancy recommends Li'L Pick Me Up! Fun Songs for Learning Signs (ASL) Baby Sign Language.

Dealing with potty talk

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

At a recent parenting presentation, one mom of 4-year-old twins and a 5-year-old complained about how tired she was of hearing potty talk. One child would say something like “poopy pudding” and soon the others would join in with “fart face” and more potty talk. She had tried everything from ignoring it to giving time outs and nothing stopped it.

Another mom explained what worked for her. She told her children that potty talk needed to be done in the bathroom. They were welcome to go into the bathroom, shut the door and enjoy as much potty talk as they wanted!

Birds + Bees + Your Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

What exactly do you do if you walk in on your preschoolers and find they are “playing doctor”? What is normal behavior and what isn’t? What are your beliefs about teens and sex? Thinking through some of these questions ahead of time can make discussions with your kids much easier.

Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids by Amy Lang provides practical information on what kids should know by when along with facts on various aspects of love, relationships and sexuality. It provides questions to help parents think through their beliefs about sexuality and how those beliefs influence the discussions they have with their children.

From discussions of “playing doctor” and self stimulation to sexually transmitted diseases, this book provides a solid foundation for parents. Reading this book can help you be better prepared for these sometimes tricky conversations!

Motivating kids in the morning

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Do your kids ever moan about getting out of bed in the morning? One dad explained that his young daughter often complained about getting out of bed. However, he realized that the key was finding her “hot buttons”.

When he reminded her about something going on that day that he knew she would love, she got out of bed much easier. Saying things like “Today is sharing day!”, "You get to paint at school today." or “Guess what? It snowed last night.” would quickly get her out of bed without any complaints.

Beware of Boomerang Words

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Do your children's words ever take you by surprise because they sound remarkably like something you've said? These "boomerang words" can be a good thing or not such a good thing.

When we hear our children repeat our words, it's a strong reminder of just how much they are picking up from us. We also get a new appreciation for how those words feel to the person receiving them!

Where have I heard that before?

One mom told me that she was in her 6-year-old daughter's bedroom when she accidentally knocked a toy off her dresser. Her daughter exclaimed "Mom, next time could you be a little more careful!" This mom was taken aback by this rather rude sounding comment.

Sadly she realized her daughter had learned these precise words from her. She remembered how often she reminded her daughter to be more careful when she made a mistake. Hearing these words directed back at her, she understood how harsh they sound. She's now working on showing empathy when her daughter accidentally spills something instead of admonishing her to be more careful in the future.

Repeating Familiar Phrases

When his children had problems, John often responded to them "Well, it's not the end of the world." This phrase came back to haunt him one night when they were out camping in a trailer.

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

Helping kids learn to share

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

One mom reported that she and her husband had gone shopping with their two children. They purchased a scooter for their 4-year-old daughter and a large toy plane for their 2-year-old son. Both children were happy with their selections at the store. However, when they got home her son also wanted to be able to ride the scooter.

Since both children wanted to use the scooter at the same time, Mom helped them figure out how they could take turns. Although she taught them to use a timer to keep track of how long each child had, her daughter sometimes “helped” the timer along when it was her brother’s turn. He then protested that his turn was too short.

Mom got tired of the arguing and approached her husband about buying another scooter to fix the problem. Her husband thought this would only be a temporary fix and that the children really needed to learn to share. How would you have handled this situation?

Responding to “I hate you!”

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

When children yell “I hate you!” strong emotions are certainly being expressed. Perhaps you just told your child “no” to something she requested so you know why she is upset. In this case, you may want to respond with something like “I know you’re angry and I want you to know I’ll always love you.” This shows empathy while avoiding arguing.

Responding with “Don’t you ever say that to me!” or “How dare you talk to me like that!” will fuel the fire. While we would prefer our children not to say “I hate you”, by demanding that they not say it we are setting ourselves up for a potential power struggle. We are also teaching them how to push our buttons!

If it’s unclear why our child said “I hate you!”, find out by asking “I hear you’re upset. What’s going on?” This response gives us the opportunity to better understand our child.

It can be hard not to get defensive and yell right back at our child. However, taking the high road will build a more positive relationship.

Teaching children using debit cards

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Jane described how her 11-year-old son, Nick, learned how easy it was to go through money after he got a debit card. He started his account with $250. Jane explained to him that if he withdrew money from an ATM with his bank, there was no fee otherwise there would be a $2.50 fee per withdrawal. He quickly replied that he understood.

He loved using his debit card to get money out for spending! While on vacation, he found many items to purchase like a cool stunt kite for $40. The campground game room had video games which took quarters. He bought some for himself and his brother who currently was out of money.

Jane reminded Nick that the reason his younger brother didn’t have money was that he didn’t save and may not be able to pay Nick back for awhile. Nick was happy to share his money with his brother since he had plenty of money he could get with his debit card.

Since Nick spends half his time at his dad’s house, Jane didn’t always know when Nick was using his debit card. One day Jane got an email notice from the bank that Nick was out of money in his debit account. Nick could not believe he was out of money! Jane printed out the statement of all the withdrawals. A number of withdrawals were from ATMs not associated with their bank. Nick was surprised to see that taking $2.50 out for each withdrawal really added up.

Nick decided to give his mom the debit card to hold. He thought the temptation to use it was too great and he wanted to work on saving up some more money. Jane used this experience to also discuss how easy it is for people to get in debt with credit cards. Nick learned a lot from his debit card experience!

Teaching sharing and fairness

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Emma bought a Nintendo DS game with the understanding that her older sister, Brooke, would allow her to play the game using her Nintendo DS. Brooke told her sister that she would let her use the Nintendo DS sometime today but she didn’t know when.

An hour passed and Emma asked if now she could use the Nintendo DS. Brooke told her not yet. She explained “It’s my Nintendo DS. I bought it with my own money so I get to decide when you can use it.”

Although the girl’s Dad witnessed this exchange, he did not say anything. Unfortunately, he missed a golden opportunity to teach Brooke about sharing in a more appropriate, fair way. He also missed showing Emma how to successfully negotiate to get her needs met. Our children need our guidance to learn to treat others in caring, respectful ways.

Negotiation versus manipulation

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

When we negotiate with our kids, there is give and take with both parties cooperating towards a common agreement. On the other hand, when someone is being manipulative, they are working to get their needs met regardless of the other person’s needs. It does not feel good to be manipulated.

When we teach our children negotiation skills, we are showing them how to appropriately work towards getting their needs met while also taking into account the needs of others. For example, if our children want to listen to Radio Disney in the car but we want to listen to jazz music, we might agree to listen to two songs on one station and then two on the other one. This negotiated agreement is fair to both parties.

Our children may try to manipulate us by making irritating noises whenever the jazz station is on or saying “If you really loved us you would leave it on Radio Disney.” If we give in at this point and turn back to Radio Disney, our children will learn manipulating us works. This is not the lesson we want to teach them!

Windows of opportunity

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

As our children grow, there are moments when they are ready to tackle new skills. If parents miss these windows of opportunity, learning the skills later on can be more difficult. It also slows children’s growth towards independence.

One preschool teacher explained that 4 and 5-year-olds are ready to take responsibility for self care skills like:

Taking off their jackets and hanging them up.
Putting their lunch box on the appropriate shelf.
Checking off their name on an attendance sheet.

She reported that some parents keep doing these things for their children long after their children are capable of doing it for themselves. At her preschool there is a 5-year-old girl, Abby, who simply walks into the school and stands with her arms straight out as her mother takes off her coat and boots and puts away her lunch. While other children are doing these tasks themselves, Abby is not.

Abby has difficulty making decisions in the classroom and knowing what to do without being told. For example, one day when it was time for lunch, the teacher asked Abby what she thought she should be doing. Abby looked confused and sat down. The teacher explained that actually she should be washing her hands before lunch.

It’s hard for children to learn to think for themselves when their parents do too much thinking for them.

Shaping children’s behavior

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

When parents discipline their children, the children learn what not to do. However, they may not learn what they should be doing instead.

Dr. Kazdin, a psychologist who has helped many defiant children, has carefully studied and applied research on shaping children’s behavior. He’s seen great success in using programs where kids collect points for doing certain behaviors and then turn those points in for rewards. He’s captured this process in his book The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.

The method begins with parents thinking of the positive opposite of whatever behavior they want to stop. For example, if a child throws tantrums whenever it’s time to go to bed, then the positive opposite would be getting ready for bed, going to bed and staying there without screaming or hitting. Kazdin describes how to set up a reward system that encourages children in moving towards this new behavior.

One key aspect is that children are rewarded for small steps along the way. Parents are taught to give enthusiastic praise and points whenever a child performs a portion of the new behavior. The child can then earn rewards which can range from choosing what to have for dinner to earning a trip to the zoo. The reward program usually lasts only a few weeks until the child masters the new behavior.

You can learn more about the Kazdin method is his book:

Developing positive parenting habits

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:05:00 +0000

When we continually repeat a behavior, it becomes a habit. Once it becomes automatic, we don’t usually think before doing it.

What are some parenting behaviors that we do not want to make into habits?

Nagging and reminding our children
Yelling at our children when they misbehave
Ordering our children around
Swearing when something goes wrong
Lecturing our children

To break a negative habit first takes awareness and then dedication and practice to change it.

I was recently with a family where the parents consistently pointed out what their girls were doing wrong or could potentially do wrong. I thought these girls would be in tears with all these negative messages; however, I noticed the daughters dealt with it by tuning their parents out.

The parenting habits we develop have a huge impact on the overall joy in our families. Monitoring and changing our own behavior is the key to increasing positive feelings for everyone. It certainly isn't easy but taking the seven lesson Priceless Parenting course can help reinforce positive parenting behaviors.

Yelling at Kids in Anger

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:58:00 +0000

Have you ever become frustrated with your children when they are begging you for something? If so, you can probably relate to this mom's story.

Begging for Ice Cream

One mom told me how exasperated she was while driving her 10-year-old son to Baskin Robbins to order cake for his upcoming birthday party. Her son started pleading with her to get an ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins. Mom said he couldn't have one since he had just had ice cream yesterday.

He didn't give up hope and instead kept asking her if he could please have an ice cream cone. Completely fed up, she pulled over and stepped out of the car for a few minutes explaining she needed a break from his behavior. After getting back in the car, he soon asked her again about the ice cream!

Feeling quite angry now, she yelled at him for continuing to ask after she had already told him no. By the end of her rant, he was crying. Needless to say, this wasn't exactly the pleasant outing she had envisioned.

Alternative Parenting Responses

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

Children arrive without instructions

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:20:00 +0000

If children did come with a manual, parenting would be much easier! There is a wonderful Huffington Post article describing the importance of parent education.

The article begins "You'd never hire someone to do the most difficult and important job on Earth, give them the responsibility to care for your most valuable asset, and toss him or her head first into the job without any training. Yet, we do it every day as new parents, each time a child is born."

The author goes on to describe specific examples of the impact of parenting and parent education. How we choose to parent certainly affects our family's future happiness.

Dealing with defiant children

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Defiant children can really drain energy from their parents. Fortunately there are ways to deal with rebellious children that make them far less likely to act defiantly. In his counseling practice, Dr. Jeffrey Berstein has helped a number of parents change their behaviors in ways that greatly reduce the defiance in their children.

Berstein has captured the techniques he teaches parents in his book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. The book’s introduction includes this description of defiant children: “Your child is defiant and he is driving you up a wall. He is colossally resistant to following even the simplest requests. He is moody, seriously stubborn, overly dramatic, rude, and disrespectful – not every once in a while, but quite often. He doesn’t just question your authority; he actually thinks he has just as much authority as you do.”

His deep appreciation for the struggles of parents with defiant children comes from counseling families over the past 20 years. From understanding what causes defiance to practical ideas for handling defiant children, this book is a valuable resource for helping parents better cope with their defiant children.

Cyberbullying - are your kids affected?

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

The internet and cellphones enable kids to quickly and sometimes anonymously harass other kids. According to Common Sense Media, 43% of teens have been victims and 53% admit sending a hurtful message. The problems can begin as young as second grade.

Common Sense Media has more information about cyberbullying along with a thought-provoking four minute video. Check out the video and then view it with your children. The video provides a wonderful way to start the conversation with your kids.

Giving silent approval

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

When our children start misbehaving and we do not do or say anything, we are giving our silent approval. We are also likely to see the misbehavior continue and escalate. At this point we will probably wish we would have intervened earlier!

I witnessed a 10-year-old girl teasing and taunting her younger sister while playing a board game. Their dad was also playing the game but didn’t say anything. The older girl’s teasing continued until someone else finally stepped in and told her it really wasn’t ok to tease her sister like that.

When we notice bullying behavior in our children, it is important that we let them know that this needs to stop. Our children need our guidance in learning to be respectful of others.

Teaching moral behavior

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

We’d like our children to be kind, respectful and fair to others. However, those behaviors don’t occur naturally so how do parents encourage acting ethically?

Michelle Borba discusses this issue in her book Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing. She discusses each virtue along with ideas for how parents can help their children to develop each virtue. The seven virtues defined in the book are:

“1. Empathy is the core moral emotion that allows your child to understand how other people feel.

2. Conscience is a strong inner voice that helps your child decide right from wrong and stay on the marl path, zapping her with a dose of guilt whenever she strays.

3. Self-control helps your child restrain his impulses and think before he acts so that he behaves right and is less likely to make rash choices with potentially dangerous outcomes.

4. Respect encourages your child to treat others with consideration because she regards them as worthy.

5. Kindness helps your child show his concern about the welfare and feelings of others.

6. Tolerance helps your child appreciate different qualities in others, stay open to new perspectives and beliefs, and respect others regardless of differences in race, gender, appearance, culture, beliefs, abilities, or sexual orientation.

7. Fairness leads your child to treat others in a righteous, impartial, and just way so that she will be more likely to play by the rules, take turns and share, and listen openly to all sides before judging.”

This book is a terrific resource for ideas on how to encourage these virtues in your children.

Scaring kids into behaving

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

One Mom wrote that her 4-year-old daughter did not want to leave Chuck E. Cheese’s when it was time to go. She solved the problem by telling her daughter “That’s fine. The hobos will come and take you away.” Her daughter immediately got her shoes on!

While scaring our kids may work in the short term, in the long term the consequences aren’t so desirable. What are they learning? We are teaching them that what we say may or may not be true. We are also showing that they can’t always count on us to protect them. Are these really the messages we want our kids to be hearing?

Learn better ways to handle situations like this in the Priceless Parenting online parenting class!

Exhausted mom feels like maid

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

One mom described her frustration with coming home from work to a house where her three teens had left a mess. Although the kids were home all day due to summer vacation, they didn’t manage to pick up after themselves. Seeing their stuff lying around the house, she wanted to scream “Do you think I’m the maid?” To add fuel to her fury, her kids told her that she’s always in a bad mood.

She reported feeling like she hates them right now. She also revealed how rotten it felt to say those words and wondered if she were being too demanding or expecting too much.

Her expectations were quite reasonable; however, she hadn’t found a way to get her kids to do their share around the house. In situations like this, it can be helpful to list out all the tasks that need to be done to keep your family going (including things like going to work to earn money, paying bills, providing rides). Next, sit down with your kids at a time when everyone is calm and discuss how to divide up these tasks.

It is perfectly realistic to expect teens to do more house work in the summer when they have free time. Giving teens responsibility for things like planning and preparing a dinner will help them learn important life skills while also contributing to the family.

For more ideas on handling chores, see Lesson 6 of the Priceless Parenting online parenting class.

Understanding tween/teen girls

noreply@blogger.com (Kathy Slattengren) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Raising a daughter through her tween/teen years can be a lot like white water rafting down a mountain river – periods of relative calm followed by some rough waters! As in rafting, it can be very helpful to have a guide who understands the territory and can describe what’s coming up plus point out potential dangerous areas.

As a school psychologist for many years, Dr. JoAnn Deak provides this type of guidance in her book Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters. Deak has counseled many girls and their parents through the challenges of growing up. Parents will be able to relate to the poignant, real-life stories she uses to demonstrate her points.

Whether it’s the very real need for 5th – 6th grade girls to have a best friend or the problems with girls who always try to please everyone, this book is a wonderful resource for parents of girls.