Everyone "@" Pretend Office

Paul > Fire

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 23:27:47 GMT

From: Paul
Subject: Fire
Date: 29 March 2012, 23:27

Our dear staff,

You may have already heard the sad news by now that there was a fire today
in the Crackerjack store and much of the equipment, props and memorabilia
has been lost. Most of this cannot be replaced. For this reason Crackerjack
has been cancelled tomorrow.

We believe the fire was started by Joseph from Level 1 who we think locked
himself in the store to play with matches. He is now dead.

Joseph’s parents are clearly very upset but we have reassured them that we
won’t be holding them responsible in any way and will not press charges.

As a result of this incident we have had an emergency ‘meeting of minds’ to
reevaluate our Health and Safety policy on fire:

1. All mute members of staff like Joseph must wear a cow bell around their
necks so that in the event of being locked in a room which is on fire they
can attract attention to the situation enabling us to minimise the extent
of damage to equipment.

2. All mute members of staff should carry a flash torch in case their bell
ringing is not heard by one of our ‘Deaf Ears’ staff.

3. All flames are banned.

4. The Crackerjack Hookah Festival organised by the Dirty Hoe Gardening
Club is cancelled. Any Dirty Hoe found sucking on a Hookah will be banned
from attending Crackerjack for one year.

Furthermore, we will be interviewing next week to replace Joseph to
readdress the balance of special needs in our work force. In the meantime
you shouldn’t notice any change in productivity (we all know Joseph did
Jack Shit for four years. In fact he had so much negative energy we may
actually now see a surge in productivity).
We’ve decided to bury Joseph in the rose garden on Tuesday in the hope that
some roses may finally start growing there. Would our Dirty Hoes please
volunteer to dig a hole for him this weekend, in your own time to avoid
profiting from Joseph’s death.
Thank you. Back to work now please.
Paul Risk
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Paul > High Priority

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 09:02:58 GMT

From: Paul
Subject: High Priority
Date: 26 March 2012, 09:02

****High priority******

All staff,

Please read the attached document and reply to me asap with 'agreed' in the
subject heading box. Hopefully we can then move forward in this matter.

Thanks

Paul

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Clare > Re: Apple products

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:34:29 GMT

From: Clare
Subject: Re: Apple products
Date: 22 March 2012, 10:34

6

On 22 Mar 2012, at 11:31, Russell wrote:

> Thanks Giles.
>
> PS - let me know if there's anything I can do to 'facilitate' my
> selection as Employee Of The Month. Could be just what I need to
> slip out of Cautionary Suspension. I do retain signing authority for
> overseas expenses so if there are any vital conferences pertinent to
> your personal development in the Florida/Miami area a nod's as good
> as a wink.
>
>
>
> On 22 Mar 2012, at 09:24, Giles wrote:
>
> _______________________________________________
> Everyone mailing list
>
> http://www.pretendoffice.co.uk/
>
> --
> This email and any attachments to it may be confidential and are
> intended solely for the use of the individual to whom it is
> addressed. Any views or opinions expressed are solely those of the
> author and do not necessarily represent those of Pretend Office.
> If you are not the intended recipient of this email, you must
> neither take any action based upon its contents, nor copy or show it
> to anyone.
> Please contact the sender if you believe you have received this
> email in error.

Russell > Re: Apple products

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 10:31:54 GMT

From: Russell
Subject: Re: Apple products
Date: 22 March 2012, 10:31

Thanks Giles.

PS - let me know if there's anything I can do to 'facilitate' my selection as Employee Of The Month. Could be just what I need to slip out of Cautionary Suspension. I do retain signing authority for overseas expenses so if there are any vital conferences pertinent to your personal development in the Florida/Miami area a nod's as good as a wink.

On 22 Mar 2012, at 09:24, Giles wrote:

> Thank you Russell. I have forwarded your email to the Humour Council
> for consideration for this week's Joke Of The Week, which is of course
> a prerequisite to winning the Employee Of The Month. So jolly well
> done.
>
> Kind regards
>
> Giles
> Client-Vision Liaison Officer (Solutions)
>
>
>
> On 22 March 2012 09:20, Russell <Russell> wrote:
> _______________________________________________
> Everyone mailing list
>
> http://www.pretendoffice.co.uk/
>
> --
> This email and any attachments to it may be confidential and are intended solely for the use of the individual to whom it is addressed. Any views or opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of Pretend Office.
> If you are not the intended recipient of this email, you must neither take any action based upon its contents, nor copy or show it to anyone.
> Please contact the sender if you believe you have received this email in error.

Giles > Re: Apple products

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:24:15 GMT

From: Giles
Subject: Re: Apple products
Date: 22 March 2012, 09:24

Thank you Russell. I have forwarded your email to the Humour Council
for consideration for this week's Joke Of The Week, which is of course
a prerequisite to winning the Employee Of The Month. So jolly well
done.

Kind regards

Giles
Client-Vision Liaison Officer (Solutions)

On 22 March 2012 09:20, Russell <Russell> wrote:
> Does this also include cider and apple pies?
>
> Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
>
> I am a legend!
>
> On Thu, Mar 22, 2012 at 9:18 AM, Giles wrote:
>
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Everyone mailing list
>
> http://www.pretendoffice.co.uk/
>
> --
> This email and any attachments to it may be confidential and are intended
> solely for the use of the individual to whom it is addressed. Any views or
> opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily
> represent those of Pretend Office.
> If you are not the intended recipient of this email, you must neither take
> any action based upon its contents, nor copy or show it to anyone.
> Please contact the sender if you believe you have received this email in
> error.

Russell > Re: Apple products

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:20:40 GMT

From: Russell
Subject: Re: Apple products
Date: 22 March 2012, 09:20

Does this also include cider and apple pies?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I am a legend!

On Thu, Mar 22, 2012 at 9:18 AM, Giles wrote:

> It has come to our attention that Microsoft has banned staff from
> buying Apple products on expenses, and the management feel that this
> is a sensible policy that we should apply here within Pretend Office.
>
> Henceforwardism, staff are not permitted to claim Apple products on
> expenses. The new rules are being backdated a month, to cover all
> those iPads that mysteriously appeared in Marketing a week or so ago.
>
> We have hired a skip, which you will find in the Exit 4 car park,
> where you can dispose of your Apple products safely during the short
> amnesty period (which lasts until lunchtime today) (Wednesday). Please
> put your Apple products here (in their original packaging, please.)
>
> Kind regards
>
> Giles
> Client-Vision Liaison Officer (Solutions)
> _______________________________________________
> Everyone mailing list
>
> http://www.pretendoffice.co.uk/
>
> --
> This email and any attachments to it may be confidential and are intended
> solely for the use of the individual to whom it is addressed. Any views or
> opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily
> represent those of Pretend Office.
> If you are not the intended recipient of this email, you must neither take
> any action based upon its contents, nor copy or show it to anyone.
> Please contact the sender if you believe you have received this email in
> error.
>
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Giles > Apple products

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 09:18:51 GMT

From: Giles
Subject: Apple products
Date: 22 March 2012, 09:18

It has come to our attention that Microsoft has banned staff from
buying Apple products on expenses, and the management feel that this
is a sensible policy that we should apply here within Pretend Office.

Henceforwardism, staff are not permitted to claim Apple products on
expenses. The new rules are being backdated a month, to cover all
those iPads that mysteriously appeared in Marketing a week or so ago.

We have hired a skip, which you will find in the Exit 4 car park,
where you can dispose of your Apple products safely during the short
amnesty period (which lasts until lunchtime today) (Wednesday). Please
put your Apple products here (in their original packaging, please.)

Kind regards

Giles
Client-Vision Liaison Officer (Solutions)