Positive Parenting Skills

“Whatever” and “I Hate You” – Dealing with Child Attitude

admin — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 18:11:09 +0000

You have heard it, right? The child attitude – you have just finished a well thought out, and even if you must say so, great parenting talk and bam the “whatever” is dropped. Or seemingly worse, they use the mother of all insults, “I hate you”. Now what do you do with this child attitude?

Don’t lose hope. If you get these responses, you have made your point. That’s right. They know they have lost the argument and as a last ditch effort, they look to push your button. This is their way of getting back at you in some way for standing for something your child doesn’t like. It is the teenage way of saving face.

What do you do then?

This is the easy answer. For the ‘whatever’ statement, do nothing. Just turn and walk away smiling. If you challenge it, you give up your position and enter into an argument. You will lose the ground you have gained. Turning around and walking away is the only solution for you to stay in control. Trust me to enter in, whether you discipline for the sass or ask what do they mean, you have given them the upper hand. Plus the argument will be a useless waste of time for you. Move on and they will be fine in a surprisingly short amount of time. Remember they secretly desire for you to be consistent. It makes them feel safe.

For the ‘I hate you’, which admittedly can be a hard one to hear and has been known to bring parents to tears, they hope this will upset you enough to give into what they want. An effective parenting response could be, “Maybe sometimes you do hate me. But I’m still not letting you go out tonight.” If you feel yourself becoming angry, instead of upset, take a few minutes to gather yourself before you respond. They are hoping to upset you and get you off balance. You don’t have to answer this smart remark either, just don’t say ‘sometimes I hate you too’. Then you both are playing in the same sandbox. That makes for ineffective parenting!

The best thing to do when you get child attitude is to remind yourself, obviously I have done my job and made my point. The objective is not to have the last word but to have the lasting word.

For many more tips and techniques to deal with child attitude, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission. The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Problem Children – Parents are the Solution Not the Problem

admin — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 19:41:31 +0000

Parents of problem children are often perceived as being the problem—or that they’ve created their “problem children”. This is not normally the case. These parents need training, not blame.

Are family members, maybe your kid’s teachers, and even counselors blaming you for your problem child’s acting out behavior? This leaves parents feeling trapped, isolated, and ashamed of their child’s defiant or out of control behavior. And with seemingly no place to turn, they become defensive and that keeps the ineffective cycle going.

However, I believe that most parents are doing a good enough job and just need training to become effective parents. This is evident especially if all the rest of your children are doing fine and you just have one defiant child. Blaming doesn’t solve the problem, it only adds to it as now the parents have to overcome their shame for not measuring up to the standards that are being placed on them by people on the outside looking in. I have tried hard in my years as a parent to not judge my insides by other peoples’ outsides. Every family is different.

The answer is to get training on how to handle your child. Get the skills you need. Keep asking, searching until you find a counselor, a program, a book, another parent who can give you the skills you need to be a better parent. Don’t get discouraged and steer clear of the blame/shame game. Find the one that works best for you and your family. Being proactive and persistent are great parenting skills. You are the solution. You love your children and you want a good relationship with them and a good future for them.

If we do these things now, maybe your child can avoid getting into further trouble. What choice do you have, really? As James Lehman says “If he continues the way he’s going, you’re going to be the ones visiting him in prison, lending him money because he won’t get a job, or raising his kids because he’s either too irresponsible or addicted to raise them himself.” It seems like a no brainer. Start today learning the skills you need to parent your problem children and reap the benefits tomorrow.

For many more tips and techniques to deal with problem children, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: How to Say No Without Saying No

admin — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 18:45:55 +0000

Children with oppositional defiant disorder are not so good at handling the word no. They hear “If I’m not in control, bad things happen. When bad things are happening around me, the only way I can survive is by being in control.” For oppositional defiant disorder children being out of control is the worst thing that can happen to them because they don’t feel safe.

Most of us learn at an early age, around 3 or 4, that while “no” is disappointing because it means you don’t get want you want, that no is okay and they learn to adapt. For ODD kids, they react with kicking or hitting or property damage which ultimately makes them feel more out of control and the wheel starts turning.

However, every child needs to learn to handle the word no and the oppositional defiant disorder child is no different. So there is hope because there are things parents can do to avoid or to redirect their child’s behavior, or escape from explosive behavior.

Avoid the conflict – This is one strategy that is very successful. These kiddos need structure and a great way to give them that is to set up a daily schedule.

3 – 4 Snacks, relax

4 – 5 Homework and chores

5 – 6 Dinner

6 – 7 Play time

7 – 8 TV

9 Bedtime

So when Bobby asks to play during homework time. Instead of saying “no”, you can say something like “You know the schedule. This is homework time. Play time is at 6.” This not only avoids having to say no, but also teaches them how to follow a schedule, which ultimately gives them the structure they crave.

Redirect the behavior – If the situation starts to escalate, redirect his attention. “Remember, you can play at 6. Stay focused on your homework”. Then walk away. If you don’t think this is going to work, then redirect for a moment with something else like “Can you go get the frozen roast out of the freezer and put it in the microwave to defrost. That would be a great help.”

Escape from conflict – If the situation has escalated, simply state your position and turn and walk away! “It is not time for you to play, it is time for you to do your homework”. Do not turn back once you walk away. They will most definitely try to turn you around (and if you do the ODD kid wins and you lose the power), even if they are backtalking all the way to the chore.

The oppositional defiant disorder child can learn coping skills and as parents of these kids, that is very important to remember! As the poet Theodore Roethke said “a slow growth is a hard thing to endure.” Time and age helps with these guys. It just takes more patience on our part. Stick to a plan and I believe you will see real change.

For many more tips and techniques to deal with an oppositional defiant child, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

Teen Behavior – Setting Limits

admin — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 18:26:24 +0000

Parents need to set limits with their kids of all ages. When they’re young, that’s not so tough. It’s easy to keep a toddler from touching the stove, or running out in the street. As they get older, especially into their teen years, it becomes harder and harder. Not only do the limits need to adjust over time, but they are also harder to enforce. This causes some parents to stop setting limits, or at least have trouble deciding how to do this. This is not a good thing!

Teenagers need limits just as much if not more than little kids. At that time of their life, they’re very confused and insecure about themselves, and they need to feel loved. Firm limits and boundaries show a struggling teen love. In addition, the choices they make as teenagers can have much farther reaching effects on them, some that may stick with them for the rest of their life.

Here are 3 ideas for setting limits for older kids and teens.

1. Plan ahead. Sometimes, when you run into child behavior problems with your teens, it’s hard to think on the fly. That’s why it’s good to have a predetermined framework of limits and consequences in place that you can fall back on in an emergency.

2. Work on your demeanor. This may not sound important, but the way you look and come across to your teenager is especially important when you’re dishing out advice or consequences. You don’t want your face to look to scary or mean. Practice in the mirror, and make sure your face looks kind and calm. I’ve noticed that with my kids that if I have a calm and kind demeanor, it really helps them to listen to me. If my tone is demeaning or harsh, it shuts them right down! Remember, kids are people too, and their feelings get hurt just like anyone else.

3. Talk with and listen to your teenager. Sometimes limits need to change, and it’s good to sit down with a difficult child if he looks like he’s going to test a limit – or if he already has. You might discuss his curfew with him, and make him a deal. If he thinks that it’s too early, you could say “OK, how about if you come home on time for a month, than we can look at changing it to a little later”. If he says “It’s no fair – my friends get to stay out until midnight, and I have to be home at 10″, you might say “I think 10 is safe. If you think you can stay safe until 10:30, let’s try that”. If they still want to stay out later, you could say “Let’s try 10:30 for a couple of weeks, and see how you do. Then we’ll talk about switching it to later”.

Limit setting is one of the most important things you can do for a child – don’t give up when you’re on the homestretch!

Do you have trouble setting limits for your teens?

For many more tips and techniques to deal with child behavior problem’s, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

Out Of Control Child – 5 Steps To Saying No And Sticking To It

admin — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 02:32:45 +0000

It’s difficult to say “no” to your kids and with out of control kids it is actually harder. It’s also challenging to follow through. It’s kind of a knee jerk reaction. So then you usually are backed into a corner. You have to stick with your “no” and that’s when the trouble takes place.

Let us go through this slowly. Initially, you have said no to your problem children. Next question, you guessed it, ‘why’? A quick explanation is all you will need. If you start overexplaining, you are handing the power over to them. That is what a defiant child wants – power. And it is a quick road to go down, because we believe it is best to get them to comprehend and then they will be okay with your answer.

But they don’t get okay with the answer. What takes place is you end up compromising. And then you begin changing the rules. And whenever you do this, you are training your kiddo to not take no for an answer. This is not very good for a struggling teen.

And if you play this out, he not only is getting educated to take no for an answer, you are rewarding him too. Yep, if he makes you switch the rules to what he wants, he gets what he wants! Thus the reward. Here are 5 helping steps to sticking to your no.

Set up your authority early on. Start setting boundaries very early in life. This includes good structure too. Such as holding your 3 yr. old child’s hand when crossing the road. This is your foundation.
Look for over-stimulation. If your kid is over-stimulated, he will seem to be like one of those out of control children. And, thus, they have a very hard time following directions. The best thing to do right here is provide them a 5-minute break. Then give them a opportunity to do what they were asked. If they are not able, offer them a few more minutes in the room to quiet down.
Do not allow them turn you around. If you have fairly given your child a short explanation and he starts to fight, the absolute thing to do is say “No, I am not going to discuss this any more”. Then walk away. DO NOT TURN AROUND. If you do, you provide him the power to turn you around every time.
Explain to your kid the new guidelines. The best time to explain the new “no” guidelines to your defiant child is when everything is calm. Tell them ‘no means no’. Help them come up with some coping techniques if no is a word that frustrates them.
Remember these 3 Parenting Roles: Instructor, Trainer and Limit Setter. All three of these roles are vital. The first 2 lead up to being able to effortlessly do the 3rd. A side note, not one of these roles is buddy. We are, however, to be friendly and show positive feelings to them.

That is the basic rundown. Hopefully, you will get a jump start on your child discipline at an early age, so you do not have to encounter kid behavior problems. Bear in mind, if you let them get away with not taking no for answer as kids, they’ll do it as grown ups. This will lead to problems in human relationships.