When my son was born, he seemed normal. He cried a lot, and slept very little, but some kids do that, right?

At two years old we noticed he was not talking the same as other two year-olds, so my husband and I took him to see his pediatrician. After explaining our concerns and after the doctor examined him, we were told that he was perfectly normal, and that we had nothing to worry about.

I still had a feeling that something wasn’t quite right. He was easily agitated, and wouldn’t respond to me the way I felt he should. He was a bit “cut-off” from his surroundings. My attempts to potty train were futile. Moms have a special connection with their babies, and I knew he struggled on a social level. We took him back to the doctor, and had him examined again. This time we were also concerned about potty training. The doctor asked him questions, all of which our son, Gabriel, did not understand. Our little boy gave no eye contact. He was frightened when the doctor tried to put a tongue depressor in his mouth. Instead of taking his time and being patient, the doctor grabbed him and forced the tongue depressor down his throat, practically lying on top of him. Gabriel was terrified. We never went back to this office again. We changed pediatricians.

Was Gabriel Autistic?

At the new pediatrician, he was once again examined. We feared maybe he was autistic, as our friends and relatives had warned us. But this doctor said he did not feel that he was autistic. There was a slight possibility that he was on the autism spectrum slightly, but autism was not a concern. He referred us to an audiologist to test his hearing. During the hearing appointment, my husband held him on his lap and Gabriel was excited about this new experience. His passed his hearing test with flying colors which was good, but in a way not-so-good, because he still wasn’t responding normally on a social level. The audiologist told us that there were no doctors in Spokane to help him and that we’d have to look for doctors on the west side of the state. My husband and I both work, and that would be almost impossible, and our hearts sank. We got him involved in skating lessons, swimming lessons, and gymnastics which he loved, but he still made little effort to connect with other children. He seemed to never understand what the teachers were saying. He simply watched and followed.

We went back to our new pediatrician who, at our pleading, referred us to an autism specialist here in town. When we called to make the appointment, they said she was booked out for a year, but they would take our name and call us back.

In the meantime, upon revisiting our pediatrician who continued to reassure us that our son was not autistic, and to stop worrying about the potty training, he recommended speech therapy through a major hospital group in town. We began speech therapy. Each appointment our son was sat in a chair and not allowed to fidget. He was spoken to very matter-of-factly, as were even my husband and I. We were treated less than polite. Gabriel became bored quickly during his therapy and began to dread going. Whenever we had a question for the therapist we were answered in a condescending fashion. One day we received a bill for over $500 from the speech therapy service. When I called about having it sent to the insurance, they informed me that it was our responsibility to do that. I was amazed. Didn’t hospitals usually do that? I had to find out how to send this bill to our insurance. In the end, it was what was left over after the insurance paid. The speech therapy service only bills the insurance for a certain amount of visits. After that, it was our responsibility. We had to come up with the money. We no longer could afford speech therapy for our son.

One day at our son’s preschool, one of the moms gave us a pamphlet for speech therapy through Ritecare Spokane. We had never heard of it. We took the pamphlet and decided to check it out. When we called, they put us on their waiting list. A few weeks later, they got us in for an initial appointment. We were received warmly and treated with respect and dignity, and like we were family. The therapists smiled and laughed with our son and obviously enjoyed what they were doing. We could hardly believe what was happening. They got us in for appointments. Each session, the therapist got down on the floor with Gabriel and played with him. She interjected amazing techniques for him to open up and engage with her. After a few sessions, we were seeing a difference at home. What’s more, they offered classes for parents! We signed up and went to every class we could. And what makes this even more amazing is that it was offered free of charge.

Here, Gabriel finally got his diagnosis: Auditory processing delay

After a couple years of therapy, Gabriel came out of his shell, and began to excel at everything. At the recommendation of his preschool teacher, he stayed one more year in preschool before being pushed on to kindergarten. The therapists all agreed. Even when Gabriel completed his speech therapy at Ritecare, the therapists still called and wrote to see how he was doing. Gabriel had a special graduation from Ritecare, and was one of several wonderful children featured at their fundraisers, which we gratefully attended.

Three years later, we got the call from the autism specialist. Three years! I had forgotten all about them. They were supposed to call us after one year. My repeated attempts to get an appointment after not getting a call from them after a year were snuffed out as I was told to stop calling. We went in to see her, and after a thorough evaluation, we were informed that he was definitely not autistic.

The therapists at Ritecare were able to do what the doctors couldn’t.

Today, Gabriel has been able to excel at everything he does. He is bright and active, and in first grade, which he loves. He interacts with his peers, and shows concern for them. He is growing into a normal child, thanks to Ritecare, who gave him the appropriate diagnosis and therapy, and went above and beyond to educate us as parents to know what to do to ensure Gabriel’s longevity and success long after therapy is over.

Up to a few years ago, I thought Christmas was chaotic and crazy because that was normal. WRONG! Three years back, a very close family member told me that my kids were rude and out of control. I was shocked and hurt actually. Now some of this has to do with my issues at family functions but that will be for another article.  And some of this has to do with my RAD kids not being able to handle holidays, or anything out of the norm for that matter, which I have since learned.  Once I knew that, my husband and I decided we better find out if we can do something about this – duh!

What we did:

1. Expected respect for each other. No overtalking, mean teasing, or mindless babbling! We let them know right from the get go , we had pockets full of mouth hugs and jumping jacks to get the brain shifted out of the fight and flight so they could relax and enjoy themselves.
2. Gave them a head’s up when we were going to do something. Now this trick doesn’t work with RAD kids until there has been some healing, in fact it will backfire if used too soon. But down this road a bit and the kids a bit older, giving them this information made them feel involved and trusted. It resulted in less power struggles and more enjoyable family outings.
3. Kept the schedule easy flowing. This was a bonus! Due to extended family logistics in coming for Christmas and a few conscious decisions to cut out a some activities, this year was definitely low key. And the reward was a calmer house and holiday! Definitely going to keep that in our plan!

Last year, we started this and notice a slight difference. This year wins the award for Much Improved! Oh and the family member who pointed out the problems, I have since admitted to them they were right and thanked them for helping our family get healthy!

Do you have RAD kids? For many more ideas, tools, and techniques make sure to check out When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. This is the most important book you can buy, and it’s only about $12. Get one today!

A friend of mine posted a link to this website on her facebook page and there are so many helpful, useful tips that I knew I had to pass it on to other people, especially parents. These are the people who are searching for fun and time efficient help in life.

Pick the ones that strike your fancy. Don’t add stress to your life by thinking you must do them all!

If you had a child that was allergic to peanuts, people would bend over backwards to not give peanuts to that child. Parents of RAD kids don’t get the same kind of help. Quite often, just the opposite is true – quite often people will show up at your house covered in peanut butter! What do I mean by this? Well, it’s from a great article I read on another RAD parent’s site, and it really describes this perfectly. The mom who writes the blog has 2 older birth kids, and a younger child they adopted from Ethiopia. Click here to read the article.

If you’ve got adopted kids, you may be able to relate. If you have friends with adopted kids, you’ll understand their struggles even better.

Do you have RAD kids? For many more ideas, tools, and techniques make sure to check out When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. This is the most important book you can buy, and it’s only about $12. Get one today!

Or would it?

Maybe for just the moment but boy would I pay later. Why, you ask? Because an undisciplined child feels unloved. And in order to get disciplined (aka be loved) they will up the ante. “Where is the boundary?” they will ask and push until they find it. So for my momentary respite I pay for it with at least hours of recuperation. I muster on!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

Emotional preparedness may take a bit longer for your child than physical preparedness. He or she must show interest in using the toilet and have a cooperative attitude. Children whose immediate response impulse is “no” may be difficult to potty train. As your child approaches two years in age, begin including potty training verbiage into your discussions, books and television programs. Listen for your child to begin using terms like “big girl” or “big boy” or talking about wearing underpants. Children may begin to use a potty training seat as a chair, or playing with it as a toy. It is normal for young boys to take longer to show interest in potty training than it takes young girls, and the same holds true for mastering the skill.

When both you and your child are ready to begin toilet training, remember to keep reasonable expectations. Your child may quickly catch on to using the potty, but accidents are common. There may be false starts, set backs and failed methods to work around. Be sure to have a plan B, a plan C and perhaps even a plan D. What works for one child may not always be successful with others. Expensive potty training accessories and gimmicks come with no guarantee. Instead, save money you might spend on these items to purchase underwear with your child’s favorite cartoon characters printed on them. These are an excellent motivator for kids.

Scheduled potty breaks are essential in the beginning stages of toilet training. You can avoid accidents by taking your child to the restroom every 60 to 90 minutes, but be prepared to rush to the bathroom at any moment. Many children do not want “going potty” to interrupt their playtime. They may hold their hands over their bottom or genital area while continuing their normal activities. It is important to seize these opportunities. Explain to your child that the feelings that prompt him to cover himself are an alert to stop what he is doing to relieve himself in the toilet. Some parents find that children are less likely to ignore restroom urges when they are completely naked. If weather — and the flooring in your living space — permits, consider removing your child’s clothes to allow him to feel his body preparing to evacuate waste.

Incentives for successful bathroom trips encourage early potty training by motivating children. A clear plastic cotton ball holder placed on the back of the toilet can hold treats such as miniature marshmallows, jellybeans or M&Ms. Offer one treat for urine and two for bowel movements. A great suggestion is to buy jellybeans and M&Ms in only yellow and brown to reward specific functions appropriately.

The author of this post is Holly Miller, a writer for Coupon Croc, the best place to find Mamas & Papas discount vouchers to save on everything your baby needs.

It doesn’t help matters that responsibilities are normally B-O-R-I-N-G!! And we know that kids love to do exciting things. Cleaning their room or doing dishes are not stimulating for them, period. You could get creative in these activities and try to make them more interesting, however visions of broken dishes and clothes hanging from the ceiling fan do come to mind!

It usually is easier to just do it ourselves. Max Lucado, Christian author , says patience (or responsibility, if I may be so bold) means letting a child take 3 hours to do something that takes us 15 minutes to do. I don’t believe this is training them up to be successful adults. Groans, redirection, and complaints aside!

Let’s start here:

1. Early – Yep , the sooner you can training them to responsible the better you (and they!) will fair later. I did not want to spend all day cleaning up so I had 2 simple rules; pickup what you are playing with before you move on to something else and final cleanup half an hour before dinner. At first, I modeled (see training and coaching section below), then I worked side by side where I would pick up a block and then they would pick up a block, and finally I let them run solo. Also in this category would fall alarm clocks. Let them be responsible for getting up in the morning. As my kids got older, I added other responsibilities with this. Such as come out dressed.
2. Be an Example – Start using wording like “I am off to work. My job is my responsibility” or “Time to do laundry which is my responsibility”. Let them see you doing your responsibilities. Just as a side note, your word is vital in teaching so stay away from making promises you can’t keep. It will color all the rest of the important concepts you are using words to teach your children.
3. Train and Coach – Share with the child what exactly responsibility is. Such as, they are things you have to do, things you have made a commitment to do, or things where other people are depending on you to get done. For younger children, it is putting away your blocks after playing. For older kids, it is picking up your towel and clothes after your shower.

The coaching part is pretty much that. I had a physical therapist tell me “don’t correct his walking stance while he is going from point A to point B. He is focused and it comes off as nagging.” That means don’t start harping on him to clean the bathroom in the middle of the video game. Let him know that when he is done with that game, level, whatever, you want to talk to him. Then take him in the bathroom and coach. For example, “you did a great job hanging up your towel. Work harder here on picking up your clothes.” Don’t do it for him, coaches don’t throw the football if the quarterback didn’t do it right! And here is a good reminder – catch them doing it right – your praise is their reward! And vital in your relationship.

Believe me, I get it when it feels like all we do is train and coach, and coach and coach. But trust me, if we don’t teach them responsibility before they leave, they will be hearing the same things from adults, like “why didn’t you get that project done by the deadline?” or “why were you speeding?” and the consequences are much more severe than be held accountable for picking their towel!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

Now don’t get me wrong. We have trained this child up since he was a toddler, “brush your teeth, make your bed, get dressed”. As the years have progressed, daily and weekly chores were added with appropriate training, rewards and eventually consequences if needed. Then he hit adolescence and found out he has power. And the boy who decided at 2, he no longer wanted to wear diapers and potty trained himself in 3 days, used that inner drive to get only what we wants in life. I gotta teach this kiddo about accountability.

Since we can check off the training, we must still work on rewards and consequences.  I did find some good tips on how to do this in the Total Transformation parenting information.

A Different Way of Saying Things

Words are powerful. It always amazes how adding (or sometimes deleting!) a word can totally open up the communication between two people. Boy, can I use that for this new challenge.

1. Responsibility. Start pointing out all the responsibilities everyone in all the house is doing. “Cooking dinner is my responsibility”. “Dad’s responsibility is going to work so we can have food so I can cook dinner.” “Brushing your teeth is a responsibility”. You get it, I am sure.
2. Rewards. Now use the same philosophy with rewards. “This is your reward for doing your homework”. “You are getting this reward because you didn’t yell at your brother today”.
3. Consequences. Then – “This is the consequences for not completing your schoolwork”. You are getting this consequence because you didn’t complete your chores this morning”.

It might be helpful to have worked up some rewards and consequences beforehand. That way you don’t have to think on your feet. Ask them what they would like rewards to be, like what they would like to do. Just be sure it doesn’t money, buying or spending!  And remember teens rewards do not usually involve spending time with you.

Consequences also can be discussed.  This may look like withholding things, like electronics, or assigning extra chores. It is important here to find the buttons that work. If I were to withhold electronics and then assign extra chores, I would be spitting in the wind. Also, I have had to learn to be reasonable about my time lengths for consequences.

So I had better get started with this new language. The clock is ticking…

That’s a couple Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!

Transition time. In our house, the kids can’t come to mom or dad with any problems or requests for 10 minutes after they get home. Here’s a fun video that we made to illustrate that point:

Demand and Expect Compliance. Compliance with family goals and rules is expected. It’s amazing how easy it is to let this slip, especially when the kids get to be teenagers. We have rules in our house like “no swearing, set computer/video game hours, and we go to church together as a family”. These are rules/goals that we have, and we expect the kids to follow them.

Give Basic Directions. Kids with low self-confidence have trouble getting going on projects, and sometimes need a running start. You can say “I’ll do the first 2 math problems, and you take it from there. Show me when you’re finished”. This works great for our kids.

Harmless Humor. I little humor never hurts – it can really defuse a situation! We’ve found that out in our house, especially where our daughter is concerned. She can get the mood tense real fast, and a little joke can relieve that tension nicely. However, one rule that Mr. Lehman says is that you don’t want to use humor to deal with inappropriate behavior.

Cueing. This is when you have a pre-arranged phrase that you use to let your child know they need to change their behavior. This works best with younger kids – we haven’t had the best success with teenagers with this technique. Here’s are two examples from the Total Transformation workbook: “When I ask you, ‘How’s the weather right now?’ it means look at how you’re behaving in the store.” And “When I tell you ‘That’s enough’ when your friends are over, it means I’m going to ask them to leave unless you stop immediately”.

Use Strategic Recognition and Affection. This is huge. I can’t believe how much my kids’ behavior improves when they think they’ve done a good job (been successful) at something and I recognize them for that. They just light up!

Pick Your Battles. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. When in conflict, use positions that are justifiable, not arbitrary. Something they can’t argue with. Mr. Lehman uses this example: “You know the rules. You can’t go to parties where no parents are home. It’s unsafe”.

There you go – just a few of the many Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!

I saw this funny video the other day, and while I don’t recommend this dad’s parenting technique (though it is tempting sometimes!), it got me to thinking about a parenting issue that I’ve been struggling with lately.

While I don’t think it’s right to lie to your children, I do think it’s right to tell them the truth – the whole truth – once  they get to a certain age. What exactly am I saying? Just that while it’s OK to build them up and work on giving them confidence, I think we need to be honest with them about where they are in life.

Case in point

Our daughter was doing poorly in school the last few years. “C” average at best, and many classes that she actually flunked. We’d go in to her conferences, hoping that the teachers would be honest with her, and tell her that her chances of getting into college were going down the drain with her grades, but they’d listen to her statements of “I want to be a doctor” or “I want to be a social worker”, or whatever, and they’d nod and say “That’s awesome that you have those dreams. You can do anything you set your mind to.” That kind of talk.

I think too often nowadays people aren’t honest with other people for fear of hurting their feelings, damaging their relationship, or just not caring! That’s not right! My wife and I have talked to our daughter until we’re blue in the face, but of course she doesn’t listen to us. Maybe if one of her teachers would shoot straight with her she’d listen to them.

It’s worth a try, right?

We got an interesting post on our forum recently from one of our faithful contributors, Jeri from Valley Family Life that does respite care with RAD kids, among other things. It was in response to a question about how to handle “tweeners“. Here it is.

 How I Handle All Kids

While I totally agree with the techniques and the whole idea of the post, I have sadly come to doubt the last sentence – that real life will not make accommodations for our children’s behavior. I found that out recently at my daughter’s school. My hope is that more teachers, judges, peers, parents, and friends will start being honest (in a loving way) with our children today.

Do you need help with your parenting?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – and it’s right along these lines of helping your child to learn to problem-solve and cope in the “real world”.