Pokerfacemom

Suburbia meets Country

2015-10-22T07:12:00.002-07:00

A short hour drive northwest of Lafayette is a small town called Iota. There we visited a retired couple (friends of my sister and her boyfriend) who own 20 something acres of land and built their quaint house in the middle of endless pine trees with a guest cottage and a barn. Talk about awesome! I never felt such at peace before. I could definitely see myself living here. Both our children had a blast! They rode a gentle horse named Jericho, got to drive a tractor, and played with the farm cat. My little one said he never wants to leave. Maybe one day we will have a chance to live like that. It's something we've thought about doing for a long time. We would need to dig deep (and I mean DEEP) into our past generations and sharpen our farming skills. Hey! It's the biggest trend right now! Living off the grid!

Happy Haunting

2015-10-21T11:27:00.001-07:00

I must've walked through a time warp and now we are here. It seems I was complaining about traffic jams in Kuala Lumpur just the other day. Lost my cat (and almost my eye) somewhere in Texas. Crowded memories are all I have of our last move and the one before that. Just a year ago we were unpacking and reestablishing ourselves in Fulshear FOR GOOD (so we thought). And now (before I can say 10 Mississippi's), we are in Lafayette, Louisiana settling into our NEW home, starting a new chapter. I can't believe it's been a year already! I'm not gonna lie, moving from place to place within such a short time frame has its effects on people. It's fucking with my brain for one. I find myself pulling out the wrong drawers, opening the wrong cabinets, walking into the wrong rooms and constantly daydreaming about our last home. It's enough to drive me insane. I managed to isolate myself from others as this may cause a slight twitching in one of my eyes. Imagine speaking with anyone in this unstable state to talk about our journey here and why we moved so many times, as if we're outlaws, running away from something or someone. But, I'm okay with it. I've always gravitated toward solitude. It's a place where I can just BE.

What makes us stranger and odder with each move, we're unpacked and ready to introduce ourselves on the spookiest month of the year. October. "GREETINGS AND HAPPY HAUNTING TO YOU ALL, WELCOME!" We go all out with skulls on stakes and creepy spiderwebs. We welcome our new neighbors on Halloween night with a ghoulish spread. Not to mention that it's our favorite season, and how I, amazingly, manage to keep track of all of our Halloween decor after ALL THOSE MOVES!

HAPPY HAUNTING!

To be continued...

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

2015-05-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I prepared my breakfast which consisted of fresh avocados, queso fresco (fresh cheese) wrapped in a corn tortilla, some pepper accidentally landed in my glass of OJ. I then thought, why not sprinkle some more? To my tastes buds' wonderment... It was Pretty. Damn. GOOD.
I shall name it; ORANGE YOU AWAKE YET?!
`(Recipe follows)

ORANGE YOU AWAKE YET?!

8oz of Orange juice of your liking

1 to 2 sprinkles, or MORE, of black pepper

For an explosive taste and extra BANG, Substitute cayenne pepper. Oh, what the hell, add a splash of vodka to give it Bigger BANG.

Tip of the Day: Cayenne pepper is one of the best natural herbs for weight loss.

Now stir and enjoy!

“You see things and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were and I say, ‘Why not’?” – George Bernard Shaw

Optometrist vs Ophthalmogist

2015-05-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

"Great News!" is what she said. "What you have is not internally, but superficial. The white spot you have on your retina is called "phlyctenule" which is the red angry leash of blood vessels responding to your inflammation and a bacteria called "Staphylococcus" on your eyelid." (Stegasauruswhah?) "You have Staphylococcal hypersensitivity, to be precise. This occurs when you accumulate more bacteria than usual. Sometimes excess oils in the Meibomian glands will stimulate more bacterial growth on the lids." Okay, whatever you say, Doc. I'm just happy that I'm finally at the RIGHT place, seeing the RIGHT kind of doctor, with the RIGHT prognosis.

You see, eventually, when my eyelid puffed up like the size of a giant marshmallow, is when I made the decision to see a doctor right away. Hence, I began my search online. Well, as I typed ophthalmologist, I misspelled the word which then Google corrected, which THEN popped up with the word optometrist. Apparently, I was in panic mode at the time, because I would've recognized it then that this is a much more complex situation that needed to be treated by an ophthalmologist. Instead, I called right away to book an appointment for that day with the first optometrist that popped up on the list of doctors in the area. I don't entirely fault Google for this. I should have known something was wrong when I arrived at the clinic. Every person in there browsing nonchalantly at fashionable eyewear with their not-a-worry-in-the-world look, I was the only one who had the just-stepped-out-of-the-ring-with-Mike-Tyson look. To seal the deal, while I patiently waited for the optometrist to walk in, a tall and dark, handsome young man entered the room wearing godawful green scrubs. (Well hello there, Doctor) (Why, indeed, you can look in my eye) And he did. He did with an enormous thingamajig and said it's an ulceration, prescribed me antibiotics and suggested to come back to see him in a week. (I can hardly wait) So after the fourth day of using the antibiotics, and still not seeing any improvements, I went in to see him earlier than intended with the one eye I had left. (I'm afraid we need to stop seeing each other. You blinded me with Science...Literally) "You're right. It's not getting better, but the good news is it's not getting worse, and I will need to recommend you to an ophthalmologist who specializes in the retina and can diagnose you appropriately." (Opthalmolowhah?)

So I had to say goodbye to my optometrist, and off I went to see the right kind of doctor I had originally thought of seeing in the first place had it not been for Google Smarty Pants!

An eye infection is a serious matter.

2015-04-29T10:45:00.001-07:00

I never thought it can happen to me, even though I wear contacts, AND there's an increased risk for those who do. The thought has always haunted me with great fear. A corneal ulcer can be devastating to the eye. You can go BLIND if left untreated. I am extremely apprehensive and I scrupulously wash my hands before putting in my contacts, and rarely sleep with them in. I replace my contact case every couple of weeks and soak the lenses in eye disinfecting solution every night. So how did this happen? WHY ME?!

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I racked my brain trying to figure out how and why. Is it an age thing? (There's nothing good about getting old) Could it be an immune deficiency? (It's only going to get worse) Am I drinking too much? (What am I suppose to do with my pastime?) Did I become careless somehow by washing my hands inadequately prior to inserting my contacts? (Having a visual of my kids wiping my ass) Was it the eyeshadow I wore? I didn't wash off my eye makeup and fell asleep with my contacts in that ONE particular night. I remember them feeling a bit dry and irritated when I awoke. (Gone are the days of feeling carefree) In the morning, I took out my contacts and wore my eyeglasses until they recouped. My eyes eventually felt better but never 100%. (Like I said there's nothing good about getting old)

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, and now, I'm suffering the consequences of my carelessness. Perhaps I should have heeded the signs and gone to see an optometrist before this could ever happen. For that, I'm faced with possible scarring and hopes that this clears up quickly with antibiotics prescribed by my doctor.

Moving forward, I'm not taking any more chances. I threw out the eyeshadow I wore that night and the contacts. I also threw away the case. I have plans to revisit the optometrist in a week and hope for the best. And if and when this clears up, and my eyes feel dry and irritated again, I will see an eye doctor without hesitation.

The moral of this story, never let your guard down or take things for granted, unless you want to pay the ultimate price by losing your eyesight.

Mother Shark

2015-02-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

Whaaat?!

Why aren't we born with natural instincts to survive without our mothers like that of a shark? Disciplining and preparing both my six-year-old and my eight-year-old to function properly in this godforsaken world has got to be one of the hardest parts for me. It's utterly exhausting and overwhelming in short. They test the limits and push the boundaries until I've reached the breaking point. Typically in the mornings as I'm getting them ready for school.

I've googled parenting advice online and downloaded countless books. But let's face it, every mom becomes an expert after having a child, feeding knowledge through the internet to fresh, newly-weakened comers starving for liberation (I'm guilty as they come). Some who are authors who write books that possibly become a New York Times Best-Seller. Successfully selling them off the shelf to desperate, frazzled moms (like me). And then, there are those of us who blog about it in hopes that Huffington Post will take notice and spread like wildfire. All excellent parenting advice, but I've YET to develop a technique that STICKS.

I then dug deep into my roots and shifted towards my ancestor's method; most relate to the old school way; magically whipped out a hefty size belt-buckle in midair. I thought, why not if it worked on me? I've tried the Latin way, sported a wooden spoon around my neck and occasionally grabbed a chancleta (any slip-on shoe) when one was within reaching distance. But this sort of discipline did nothing, as it had the opposite effect on mine! They'd laugh instead of cry for God's sake! What child does that?! MINIONS!

"YOU WILL NOT TOUCH ANYTHING
EXCEPT FOR THE AIR AND
THE FLOOR."

Nothing seemed to work. My 'MINIONS' were overtaking the entire house. My anxiety and frustration just grew bigger and BIGGER. I even tried military discipline by deepening my voice with authority and shout, "GET YOUR FREAKING BUTT OVER HERE OR ELSE", or, "DON'T MAKE ME KNOCK YOU OUT IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS", or,"I SAID MOVE IT...MOVE IT" I could have written a rap song...But nevermind that. And once again, they'd think it was hysterical because I said the funniest word to ever exist, TO THEM, in all of history. Yes, the word BUTT. Meanwhile, my neighbors assumed someone DESPICABLE (ME, of course) moved in next-door. I saw them once since we first moved here back in July and even tried saying hello. I walked over to introduce myself as they swiftly scrambled their way inside their home. One word. AWKWARD.

So then I chose to go with the times, printed out the infamous Reward Chart and stuck it on our refrigerator door. They needed to gain five stickers a day during the week in order to get a prize on a Friday. It worked for a while, but then I realized giving them a reward every week was doing them more harm than good. Not to mention, it was becoming a costly operation, as they became reliant on prizes for EVERY FREAKING thing they miraculously achieved without a fight. "Okay, Mom, I'll brush my teeth, if you give me a sticker." "Sure, I'll wipe my OWN BUTT... hehe... if you give me a sticker." "Oki Doki...You say bath. I say PRIZE!"

If you're wondering about timeouts, it faded away a long time ago as it became a challenge especially in the mornings when I needed to get them to school on time. I began to lose hope and knew that something needed to work AND SOON. I was fighting a losing battle and didn't know where else to turn. I was running out of techniques! I hated to spank. I hated to shout. I hated timeouts. I bet you're asking yourself why is it that I even had kids in the first place? How can I not know what it involves, and why was I so blind? The truth is I knew it would require sacrifices and patience, and PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. I have a heart of a lion and the soul of an elephant, if life did not come with challenges then what is living?

So what approach have I chosen for mine? It changes from time to time, to be honest. I use whatever course of action that feels right at that moment. Of course, I'd fall but I will not succumb. It's an understanding between human beings. Children are no different. They want to please their parents. They want to learn and understand the reasoning behind the cause. They want to become independent and respected just like we do; it's that simple. Why can't I play Catch-Me-If-You-Can before school starts? And yes, you have to spell it out for them. B-e-c-a-u-s-e i-f y-o-u a-r-e t-a-r-d-y a-t s-c-h-o-o-l, y-o-u w-o-n'-t h-a-v-e r-e-c-e-s-s. In other words; If you break the law you'll go to jail! And if you want to be a big boy then you must act responsibly to become one. (Tip: Have these conversations when they're inside the vehicle and strapped in, when there's no other choice for them but to listen.)

I told myself; there are no rules set in stone, I'd set them as it became fit. But there IS one rule set in stone. Communication. Make that two. And Don't disturb mommy when she's having her cup of Joe in the mornings. Make that three. Also WINE in the evenings. I converse with them about everything that should matter to them in the world, about what society is like and how difficult it can be to fit in if you don't act responsibly. I continue to teach them about consequences and the theoretical theory of cause and effect. I teach them to have consideration, and understanding one another.

As for a reward, I praise them for good behavior with lots of hugs and kisses. I also like to keep it childish sometimes, stoop to their level and just have PLAIN OL' FUN! By me showing interest in their interests, I'm showing them respect for their wants and needs conversely. That playing is okay at appropriate times and not before school starts!

So go ahead! Be a kid-at-heart and let loose now and then.

Now please excuse me while I put on my NERF gear and show them who's the BIG fish around here...

KEEP CALM
AND
JUST SMILE

DROOPY IS NOT JUST IN FAIRYTALES...

2014-11-07T12:18:00.000-08:00

IT'S ALSO MAKING ITS DEBUT ON MY FACE!

I've been noticing some changes happening to my face this past year since I've turned 40, especially around the eyes. Indeed the forces of gravity does not help the issue I'm struggling to cope with, IT"S ONLY MAKING IT WORSE. Although, I believe that I inherited the droopiness on the outer edges of my eyelids from my blessed great-grandmother on my father's side of the family. If not now, SOON, I'll need to perform a quick-fix by inserting toothpicks as to give them a lift. So that way I'm able to see beyond the immediate field of vision. And perhaps I'll sport some of those stylish funky cat eye glasses to disguise them a bit.

Dedicated to our guardian ancestors

Cat's Gone Missing...

2014-10-31T11:41:00.000-07:00

...And I don't even think I waited 24 hours before I went into panic mode. I immediately sent out a KRUSTY Alert. Asking anyone if they've seen a small, grey and white cat sporting a pink collar, to please notify me and to keep a look-out for her.

Lost Cat in Katy area
Last seen wearing a pink collar.

During the early hours I thought nothing of it. She's a cat. Cats go on prowls all the time. FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF! She'll be back sooner or later. Consciously telling myself this didn't do much good. Regardless of my tiny inner-voice's efforts, my imagination went spiraling into a crime scene as I find myself compelled to solve a mystery, with or without a corpse. I'd say; I may have watched too many episodes of American Horror Stories the previous night which resulted in a pool of negative energy engulfing me, or simply paranoia. But, for whatever reason, in my mind I was convinced that Krusty was killed and devoured ferociously by something CREEPY.

It's not unlikely. You see, we now live in Fulshear, Texas within a golf course community, surrounded by dense woods, lakes, rivers and farmlands. There are said to be coyotes, bobcats, and alligators on the prowl. Not to mention Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story.

A few hours went by and Krusty was still nowhere insight. Thankfully, I had my family only a text away for support who suggested that she could be enjoying a bush-meal somewhere. Then, a few MORE hours later. Okay...Some other person is feeding her Pâté.

It is now DAWN. I began to Google every possible predator known to wilderman and native American in the state of Texas. Including The Great Horned Howl. The great horned owl is a year round presence in eastern Texas and prefers open woodlands along with farmlands. (So, POSSIBLY A GOLF COURSE?) This is the only type of owl that makes a meal out of skunks on a regular basis. The great horned owl will also kill and eat osprey chicks, small mammals (SMALL MAMMALS! Like, a small house cat?) birds as large as herons, and reptiles like snakes and lizards.

I continued to enlighten myself about these MAGNIFICENT creatures. Thanks to Larry Page and Sergey Brin we now can brilliantly fill our minds with every bit of information, confirming that our irrational thoughts can be quite logical, making us feel sane again. I further proved my insanity (I meant SANITY) Googling image after image, video after video, wiki after wiki... on The Great Horned Owl.

Then, it dawned on me. A few nights ago I saw something swoop down into the darkness from an adjacent tree in our backyard while soaking in our hot tub. Say around 10ish. "WHOA! I THINK IT'S AN OWL! SO FREAKIN' COOL!", I proclaimed in my drunken voice. "By the way, where's Krusty?" Then I recalled a couple mornings ago stepping on poop outside our back door. It had disintegrated into an ash-like substance after kicking it off with my shoe. Eeeewww, Yuck...What strange poop, I thought to myself. *Googling* g-r-e-a-t h-o-r-n-e-d o-w-l-'-s p-o-o-p i-m-a-g-e-s *enter*

Here's what I've discovered...

These owls are fearless towards humans AND CATS!

The title to this video:
"Neighbors fear owls are eating small dogs and CATS"

And this image of the great horned owl's poop, called pellets, IS ALL THE PROOF I NEED. It is the replica of the poop I stepped on.

Bingo!
I'm closing in.
I suspect my cat was a fancy feast for an Owl.

That night, I got up every hour to check outside. I kept imagining her head being ripped apart and devoured by a Great Horned Owl. I somehow kept hearing her constant faint cries inside my head. Meowwww, meowww...meowww... "Krusty, Krusty? Is that you?", I rambled on and on in my sleep.

Then, the following morning, before I can say I NEED COFFEE in my zombified voice,
I proceeded to open the back door...

"KRUSTIBELLA, YOU'RE ALIVE!!!"

Zoochosis

2014-09-05T07:43:00.000-07:00

Wild animals in captivity are nothing but a tourist attraction purely owned by selfish money-hungry investors. We are learning nothing about an animal trapped in a cage. Zoologists cannot sustain their existence by studying their behaviours in a zoo. What we should be doing for the good of all is conserving what is left of their natural habitat. Start by not turning a blind-eye to the problems we are facing each and every day. Start conserving energy. Stop using paper for unnecessary propaganda. Stop using products that contain environmentally damaging ingredients. RECYCLE. Read and understand the ingredients we are about to put forth into our bodies. Think about where that precious souvenir came from before purchasing it. Stop OVER-fishing. Stop eating SO much freaking MEAT. Like our native ancestors, let us give thanks for our 'Catch of the Day' and savor the moment. The environment is damaged to a degree that is already irreversible. Sadly, it is the inevitable that some of these magnificent creatures will resolve into extinction. However, removing species from its ecosystem and sticking them in a conservatory/zoo is not the answer to our world's problems. We must acknowledge and change our ways of living to continue to evolve into better human-beings. http://www.care2.com/causes/zoochosis-the-disturbing-thing-that-happens-to-animals-in-captivity.html?cid=fb_causes_zoochosis

Holiday

2014-05-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

Firstly, keep in mind that Malaysia has two distinct seasons. A rainy season and a dry season. The country is typically warm throughout the year with temperatures ranging from 21 degrees Celsius (In layman's terms 70s) to 32 degrees Celsius (90s). Goosebumps are rarely experienced until one steps-foot into an 'icebox' (Shopping Center). However, in the highlands, temperatures can drop as low as 16 degrees Celsius (60s). So, the likelihood of spotting a snowman here during Christmas will be one made out of sticky rice.

Some expats are not aware of the number of holidays Malaysia has in a given year. Likewise, I'm not aware of it until I'm at a shopping mall one day, where I stumble upon a SURPRISINGLY giant, happy snowman, or an AMAZING Deepavali rice-art SMACK in the middle of the pathway. Alternately, when I hear the sounds of Chinese drums in the distance, followed by the ECHOES OF CHINESE DRUMS INSIDE MY HEAD.

Needless to say, the holidays creep up on us all the time. Christmas, Chinese New Year, Deepavali, Wesak, to name a few. There are SO many holidays where there is barely enough time in between them to make arrangements. (Can you feel my frustration? Probably not. Okay moving on....)

Prior to the recent holiday, Labour Day, and all other holidays before that, it was Good Friday. In which coincidentally fell between student's mid-term break. SPRING BREAK, per se. And, sequentially added 17 days of (Think Madonna Song.) "HOLIDAY!"

We chose yet another incredible island for our "HOLIDAY" destination. Kata Beach in Phuket Thailand, since we've never been to Thailand before, and to seek relaxation with breathtaking views.

Here the boys enjoyed surfing for their first time.

We enjoyed magical sunsets.

We also thought about experiencing a sequestered island, with a lesser civilian population, if that's even possible. In 2013 statistics reports; Phuket Thailand, 209.7 square miles of island, Population: 503,000. More than 21 percent for whom are expats permanently reside here. Who can blame them?! Then add SPRING BREAK to the equation. Now do the math.

So, we readily went for an island hopping excursion, that required us to hop on a bus, which then took us up-and-down a mountain on a narrow winding road, with torrential rain and mudslides. An hour later, optimistic and with no regrets, YET, we cradled aboard a speedboat that took us 30 minutes, or so, away from the east coast of Phuket. Then, astounded that we finally made it, found ourselves on all fours upon an island called Koh Khai.

Here the boys enjoyed snorkeling for their first time.

Notice the colorful array of umbrella BRIGADE in the background?

An Asian once said to me that Westerners all look alike, perhaps as a joke. Well, it is quite apparent that we all THINK alike, TOO.

HEY! The more the merrier.

Here, we were greeted by friendly Koh Khai Islanders who offered us fresh tropical fruits and drinks.

Here's reality.

And, here is yet another 'sad' fact. It was disappointing to discover coral reef disintegration. As well as to find an extensive amount of plastic bags, fishing lines and empty bottles washed ashore in the mornings at Kata beach. By, presumably, night fishermen in their boats, who their tiny flickering lights are seen by the hundreds in the vast distance, fishing for squid, or whatever else that gets tangled up in their nets.

All in all, we enjoyed our holiday getaway. Our accommodation at Kata Beach was inviting. Restaurants are affordably priced and the people are friendly. They did a good job keeping their beaches clean, as well. Our boys could hardly wait to arrive back to our hotel room, to find these countless, hand-crafted sea-creatures made of leaves from a tree. (below) I'm surprised to see there are still quite a few leaves on its branches.

"Malay-tham City"

2013-12-13T06:57:00.000-08:00

I'm absolutely convinced that all drivers in Kuala Lumpur has the game of Chicken on their brain. What's astonishing is to witness drivers who are the proud owners and behind the wheel of a BMW, Porsche, Mercedes-Benz, Bentley, Ferrari... who actually want to play the game. It's one thing risking your life and the lives of others, but it's another to survive the crash only to watch your money, and more importantly YOUR SOUL, dwindle down to nothing.

"When In Rome Do What The Romans Do"

I, regretfully, confess that I’ve turned into one of those lawless, reckless, balls-of-steel, 'Malaysian Style' drivers, who also has the game of Chicken on the brain. The truth of the matter is if I had stuck with my morals and stayed a law-abiding individual, in the Wild West, I'd never seize the chance to get by, like EVER. Because in KL, that is, I'm up against villains who will seize the opportunity and overtake me in an unprecedented move, leaving me to wonder how on earth did they make it past me without a single scratch. And baffled as to why it's half past the hour and we still haven't made it through the damn traffic light yet. Could I've been daydreaming? For that long? It's possible.

"Our Children Are Watching"

I am perfectly aware that something has got to give, and soon. Or else, possibly one of our kids are going to grow up to become a legendary superlative villain, with severe road rage issues. Like their Momma. (See below.) Who when behind the wheel is on the death-defying mission from point A to point B.

Taking our kids to school every morning is becoming something like a Marvel Comic scene...

Pokerfacemom in Malay-tham City

Early Morning In "Malay-tham" City...

I proceed to walk out our front door. Everything appears to slow-down in cosmic mode as if I'm entering sandman. I'm walking steadily and confidently into an abyss of smog. We're on the page where we're getting inside our vehicle, dreadfully predicting a war-zone of hell, battling traffic on the streets of Malaysia, better-known as the streets of "Malay-tham" City. I hear a fainted voice in the cloudy distance. “DON'T FORGET YOUR PURSE, MOMMY!” I quickly run back inside the house and grab my effin' purse (always something), holding weapons of mass destruction. "Uhhh...Thanks, sweetie", I reply cautiously in a subdued voice.

I have to be extremely careful. I'm psychologically prepared and ready to commence battle with a potty mouth half-cocked and fully loaded, ready to ignite at anyone who dares to push my buttons. I'm sporting the Look-To-Kill on my face that I'm pretty sure reads, "Don't fuck with me, Morons, or else." If they dared, they'll have realized too late in the game that they've messed with the wrong bitch on the wrong side of the planet.

Scene 1. "Fruit-flies, LIKE WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!"

Swiftly approaching a swarm of fruit-flies riding motorcycles. Luckily, my intuitive sense tells me to check all three of my rear view mirrors and turn my head, so as not to pulverize one of them named 'Ahmad' (made-up name), who's sporting flip-flops buzzing around in my blind-spot on a so-called motorbike that spells DISASTER!
Mission accomplished.

Scene 2. "Moron Alert"

AWAS (CAUTION! ONCOMING MORONS!) I'm weening through in a zigzagging motion to avoid a head-on collision. Because the impatient Morons on the oncoming lane have absolutely no patience and cannot stay-put on their fucking side of the road. Apparently, the MORONS desperately feel the need to pass-up vehicles to be at work on time for 9AM, only to leave again for breakfast at 10AM! "LOOK, KIDS, IT'S SANTA!" I've successfully distracted the kids, inconspicuously shot-the-bird at every moron, and managed to get us through safely.
Mission accomplished.

Scene 3. "Berhenti... What Does It Even Mean?"

In Malay-tham City, it means STOP, BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE A CHICKEN. I'm no Chicken. And, when pigs fly, the Obama Care actually works, my mom wins the lottery, and a Malaysian officer happens to pull me over for running a BERHENTI sign, with a deranged look on my face, I will ask them, "Why Berhenti?", "Why not join the majority of the planet and spell it S-T-O-P?" "Apparently, OFFICER..." "Villains, 'Chang', 'Feng' and 'Lee' (made-up names), aren't getting it either."

Scene 4. "ENTERING THE MADNESS"

Dreadfully approaching bottleneck traffic. This refers to 10 lanes opened on the tolls, then having to SQUEEZE your way into 3 lanes, leaving you baffled once again. I'd love to know who were the brilliant, undermining authorities and developers who came up with this ingenious plan. I'd like to get together with the imbeciles, probe them over whiskey, AND A MACHETE.

HEY, LOOK! I'M ON THE COVER OF 'THE HEAT' MAGAZINE! AND SO IS THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF WEST MALAYSIA!

DRIVE SAFE EVERYONE, AND REMEMBER TO BUCKLE-UP,
IT'S THE LAW, IN MOST PARTS OF THE WORLD...

A Letter To Gia

2013-11-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

Rest In Peace, My Sweet Gia.
December 31, 2000 to November 1, 2013

Merely one look of that awry day, that moment when we must part

Yet it grew near, I felt dismayed. Do I have to face it one day?

That as I imagined,

It was the saddest days of my life.

I miss you dearly and wish so badly I had just one more chance.

I'd do things differently and spent more time for walks at the park.

Coming home is not the same, my shadow no longer follows me.

Although for now I must have faith and trust you are in a better place.

Guarding over us from above with your invincible, fearsome bark.

I can still hear them sometimes, echoing inside my head.

Courageous. Loyal. Honorable. Playful and loving.

Just a few words to describe who you were.

A true friend,

who will never be forgotten.

Rest for now, my Sweet Gia,

Till we meet again.

Airport Adventures

2013-06-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

I've officially become an 'American' worldly traveler. This gains me huge appraisal as one cannot easily become a worldly traveler without lots of experience... and children. When I first arrived in Malaysia, I was informed that Americans are rarely known to be worldly travelers. I, for one, did not dispute this bit of insignificant information. As far as I'm concerned, the French can take top recognition for this particular category followed by the Dutch. And because once upon a time, not long ago, traveling was one of my biggest nightmares. I was perfectly content staying in my country than jumping on a plane and flying my entire family thousands of miles to live in an underdeveloped one.

From our first big move from Houston to Malaysia to all other subsequent trips, I would lose sleep, night after night, before the 'giant leap for mankind'. I'd become completely stressed out over the idea of getting on a plane and traveling halfway across the planet overseas. Not because of a possible devastating plane crash, but because I anticipated how our kids were going to cope during those grueling hours while traveling on an airplane for 2 days straight with several transits along the way. Let alone, embarking and disembarking the aircraft with children, I suspected would be a challenge in itself. Walking (More like carrying) them out of the aircraft, chasing them down at security checkpoints, followed by piggyback rides to terminal gate 99. And in the midst of it all, I'd be hanging on to that single glimpse of hope that ONE DAY we will have finally arrived at our final destination in one piece.

I remember those grueling flights as if it were yesterday. My three-year-old running up and down the aisles of the plane, climbing over seats, wreaking havoc and discomfort to all the passengers on board...Myself included! Having to change my uncooperative two-year-old's poopy diapers in a toilet room the size of a telephone booth. Restless nights and days, traveling from dusk till dawn, through thunderstorms and rain. Delayed flights accompanied by hours of crying and entertaining anxious children in a cold, deserted terminal of an airport. Not to mention, the moment of zombification. Yes, zombification. We are utterly exhausted and disillusioned by the lack of oxygen inside the aircraft. Our bodies shriveled from dehydration and kinked from being stuck in a lotus pose on a plane 30,000 feet above sea level for OVER 18 hours! We grovel from terminal to terminal, security checkpoint to security checkpoint, followed by queuing up in endless rows in immigration. Then, finally, 3 to 4 planes later (I've lost count) and hours of disillusionment, WE, MIRACULOUSLY are on our last flight... READY FOR TAKE OFF.

Three years later. The children are now five and six, and they cope much better on plane rides. The stress that comes from the thought of flying with my kids has dissipated.

How do I conquer the madness?
'drum roll.'

I JUST DO IT.

I dive right into the pit of doom. I endure it and conquer it. Do I enjoy it? no, not exactly. It's how expats and locals travel in and around Asia. Thankfully, the children are getting used to it.

So here's my thought process at a glance: Once I hit the check-out button on Expedia.com, I, eventually, pack our bags, then think fast forward into our destination. I don't dare to think about the travel part in between. Once I'm on the plane, it's a done deal. And here's the best part! It's worth any bit of anxiety that lingers within me because most destinations in Asia are ISLANDS, surrounded by beautiful beaches with astonishing views! I need not mention, the scheduled Spa treatment that's waiting for me on those beautiful beaches as we arrive.

And all the while, I have a blast taking photos and videos of our children having a blast!

Here's a video of Nicholas when he was five at one of those forsaken airports, needing a break in a massage chair.

A Mangy Mess

2011-11-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

Besides the problem I have with sharing the road with a ridiculous amount of suicidal motorcyclist (Family On Board) here in Miri, there's also another problem that I'm not able to coincide. It's the number of stray dogs and cats that are rambling around the entire city of Miri. They look shriveled and beaten as though they came back from the dead after a tragic accident of some sort. Mostly limping around on three legs with decapitated tales, a dislocated hip, mange. The list can go on forever! I couldn't help but to look in disbelief as people would walk by these helpless creatures without a single glance like they didn't even exist.

As the months went by, I became aware of myself becoming one of those people that would walk by these helpless creatures, and I too, remorsefully, turn my head in silence. I cringed because I felt so helpless and angry! Regardless of how difficult it would be for me, I wished so badly that I had a shotgun so that I could put an end to their misery, never once considering the consequences, and that it's against the law for any citizen (expats included) to carry or own an armed weapon in Malaysia. Miri doesn't have a shelter (SPCA) that I could bring them to, and it wasn't as if I could bring them home to care for them, either. We already have three dogs and two children to care for; I thought to myself. Another mouth to feed and I'd pull a chance card that says; Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200...

Surprisingly, quite a few dogs wandering around in Miri aren't in bad shape at all. I recognized them to be the 'Alpha' dogs. The 'Alpha' dogs do not appear to have been stricken by any illnesses such as mange, in which, by the way, has reached epidemic portions here. These particular dogs are extraordinary with strong features like wolves. They walk the streets in general authority mode, usually with a pack of dogs following close behind. I'm amazed to watch how these strays here in Miri cross the street better than most people.

At most worksites in the mornings, I've noticed that there are one or two alpha dogs sitting with pride in front of the entrance, as though they had just completed a graveyard shift and were waiting for a reward, food and water. I've recently spoken with a local here who has confirmed that, indeed they have stray dogs to watch over their homes and businesses, and in return they give them table scraps(chicken bones), leftovers from restaurants, water, and occasionally they will call a mobile veterinarian for their basic checkup and vaccines. But they the strays are not fixed and mate with other strays, eventually forming a pack. These remarkable dogs have taken their positions as 'Guard Dogs', using their skills and resources to survive another day.

I think to myself, how and why did dogs become domesticated and become 'man's best friend'? Was it evolution? Did they evolve from wolves? Did man domesticate wolves? Plausible. The truth is no one has the real answers. All we know is that they rely on humans today. Man bred dogs to carry out specific jobs centuries ago. Now overpopulated, homeless, and voiceless, struggling to adapt in most parts of the world, and certainly evolving. The fact is these animals are domestic, so why are they left to survive like wolves?

A wonderful, dedicated non-profit organization called P.A.W.S.(Piasau animal welfare support) developed by the expats about a year ago, is generously helping to end the abuse and struggles for these abundant, helpless, strays here in Miri, by fostering and finding homes for them. They are educating the people in Miri by encouraging them to adopt and to have their pets spayed and neutered. But it's just not enough. We need to do more. Miri needs a shelter. There are just too many of them for the Paws Organization to foster. Malaysia needs stricter laws to end abuse. Most of the strays here have a death sentence. As gut wrenching as it sounds, they are badly abused and abandoned to die a slow death.
To make matters more difficult for dogs, Muslims, which make up about one-third of the population, do not believe in killing animals for any purpose other than for food. This includes euthanizing animals. Some animals can be eaten under 'Halal' -the condition that they are slaughtered in a specified way. They do not like to touch dogs, nor have them as pets. Other locals here own dogs for a sole purpose, to guard their homes and businesses and are being kept in outdoor cages or tied up with no freedom to run around and play. They train them with bullwhips -which explains the aggressive, fearsome behavior I've encountered with dogs that have gotten loose from their chains, as I take my casual stroll, followed by full speed ahead around the neighborhood.

Unfortunately, I've heard many more horror stories, including an appalling story about 'dog killers' here in Miri, who slaughter dogs to cook and eat their meat. Black dogs in particularly are considered to be a delicacy. So if you're missing a black dog here, it's probably been dognapped and on tomorrow's lunch specials. ( See 'Paws Miri' on Facebook for the full story).

Malaysia, as a whole, needs to put in place stricter laws against animal abuse. Tragically, in most cases, these wonderful creatures have no other choice but to get euthanized. But, there are still many strays that have a chance to live, to be adopted and be healed with a simple treatment from humankind. LOVE.

(Picture below is from a friend of 'Paws Miri' on Facebook)
What we can do as responsible, compassionate human beings is to have a voice for these voiceless creatures. Adopt a pet. Foster if you're able to. Have compassion for all animals and support your animal shelters and organizations as well as the ones around the world to end animal abuse once and for all.

I'm pleased to hear because of PAWS, things are changing in Miri. Expats are taking notice that more and more people here are beginning to treat their dogs more like pets. A trend is emerging. It's a slow process for everything here in Miri, and eventually we will begin to see a better future for dogs and cats. But the future never comes soon enough for those who are suffering now.

Below is a website where you can sign the petition to enforce stricter punishment for animal abuse here in Malaysia. Also, a site where you can donate to the Paws organization.

http://stopanimalabuse.petfinder.my/

http://www.paws.org.my/

Malaysia

2011-09-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

Malaysia from pokerfacemom on Vimeo.

Ahhh, Miri...

2011-09-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

Let me take a moment and reverberate. Okay, so about 6 months ago we were in Katy, Texas, and now we are a ridiculously 9,000 something miles away from our hometown, New Orleans. Living in a city called Miri, in which became a city not long ago in 2005. It is located in Sarawak, 'The Land of the Hornbill" or "I give to you", located some 640km east of Peninsular Malaysia. It is bordered by Kalimantan (Indonesia) to the south and east and Sabah and Brunei to the north-east. The Hornbill bird (below) is the state emblem.

We've lived here for roughly 5 months now, and what's affecting me the most is what the kids are gonna eat as vegetarians. I haven't been successful in finding any products that are kid-friendly. Let me clarify on this a bit. There's a lot of vegetarian products. Tofu being one of them. But it's not particularly one of my kids favorite foods. Every vegetarian product I've tasted, thus far, has an Asian/Indian flare which is fine by me, but not so fine by my fastidious kids. I've tried several frozen ones, such as a product called Super Balls--an appropriate name I might add. The Asians typically add them to a soup. I decided to think outside the box and add them to a more traditional dish. Spaghetti and red sauce. Interestingly, the texture feels like some sort of extra-terrestrial material. I'd known this if I had read the first and second ingredients.YAMS and GELATIN. Consider yourself warned. Wear goggles and CUT WITH CAUTION! SUPER BALLS MAY TAKE FLIGHT! Low and behold, MY KIDS LOVED THEM! Mainly because of its texture. They had discovered its ping-pong effect as they tossed them around the kitchen floor. So lately I've been playing it safe and sticking to my kid's favorite. Bean Burritos. But there is only so many bean burritos an appropriate human being can consume. Needless to say, my four-year-old is looking a bit like an Ethiopian. Come to think of it, he's beginning to fit right in with the rest of the Sarawak Iban tribe. Just leave him in the mid-day sun for about an hour without any sunscreen and VOILA!

Now, let me discuss getting adjusted to driving on the WRONG side of the road. For a couple months, I had a driver who took me around town. I sort of felt like the CONSIDERABLY younger version of "Driving Miss Daisy," but in a taxi cab with leopard covered seats. We finally purchased a vehicle about a month ago. As far as my driving skills goes, remarkably, I'm quite good at it! I had taken safety driving courses so that I can feel more comfortable zipping through town alongside 50 something suicidal, motorcyclist with their whole family aboard.

Motorcyclists dominate the streets of Malaysia. I'm not particularly interested in racing in the Malaysia GP Moto Grand Prix race, so I allow them to zip right on by. But for God's Sake, put a helmet on that baby! Coincidentally, I still have to get use to getting in on the right side of the vehicle. I can't tell you how many times I rushed out of the house, got in my car with my keys in my hand, getting ready to start the engine-- only to have realized, I'm on the wrong damn side of the fucking vehicle. Then getting out like a jackass on speed, running to get in on the right side. You know. The side with the steering wheel?! Hmmm, I wonder why those construction workers across the street are looking at me like I'm some sort of a dyslexic, erratic, lunatic. You'd think, on days that I'm having to drive all around town to different markets, then parking and getting in and out of the car 8 or 9 times a day, just to get everything you need, (basic necessities and groceries) I would have gotten the hang of it by now. NOT!

Okay. So other than losing a significant amount of body fat, looking like one of the tribes, and driving 'Malaysian' style Oh, I almost forgot to mention! I'm having to pick up the kids from school at 11:30 AM because that's the end of their school day for preschoolers. And DON'T BE A MINUTE LATE! My child was sitting in the principal's office all alone. I had a perfectly good excuse for it, too. I think it must have been written all over my forehead or something. I'm not too convinced that children can absorb anything in such a short time. The only thing I absorb is nothing but a blink, a short coffee break, then... You get the picture. BTW, there is no need to purchase those silly colon cleansers in this part of the world. TRUST ME!

So other than those minor few adjustments, living here isn't so bad, so far. The local people here, as well as the expatriates, are super-friendly! Always smiling. Always saying hello. Genuinely good people willing to help you in any way they can. Who enjoy good company, good music and who like to have a good time with a good bottle of wine, it kinda reminds me of good ol' New Orleans, minus the three t's (traffic tickets, thugs, and the Infamous City Hall and affiliates).

As for our family, the husband and I are getting acclimated after the shock wore off of course. The children are adjusting better than we are. We now have two part-time amahs (nannies) whom our children are warming up to. Especially because of all the junk food they've been giving them.

I'm now beginning to understand what the expats are implying when I ask them, "So, how do you like living in Miri?" They mutter, "Ahhh, Miri..." What they REALLY meant to say is, "Ahhh, Miri and it's beautiful sunsets and gorgeous palm trees! If it just had a fucking one-stop shop, a pretty red building. Like, perhaps a TARGET! And for God's Sake, PUT A HELMET ON THAT BABY!

Dude! Are we there yet?

2010-09-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

It's going on 3 YEARS and 8 MONTHS since we've gone on vacation WITHOUT THE KIDS. It's not practical anymore...At least for me it isn't. Not with 2 toddlers, 3 neurotic dogs and a schizophrenic bird that need to be taken care of while we're away. Who in God's name would want to babysit 3 dogs, a bird and 2 diaper-wearing toddlers for a week? I know I wouldn't...IF I didn't have to. And to make matters worse, not just the kids, but our neurotic dogs go nuts when they observe us leaving them behind while the schizophrenic bird chants, "POLLY WANTS A GUN!" "POLLY WANTS A GUN!" then, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", and a few other rap/nursery rhymes. Furthermore, how much it'll cost boarding 3 dogs. And from what I've gathered from a conversation my Mom and I recently had... AN ITALY TRIP would also be on our I.O.U. tab. I don't blame her. She's due for a vacation as well. One word comes to mind. RETIRE! Great news though! The husband said to tell her, she can come with us when we go to Italy. I asked him, "When do you suppose WE'RE going?" (No response)

I excepted the fact that the closest vacation spot I'd ever get to experience at the present time would be IN MY SLEEP, lying on a hammock under a palm tree, gazing at the moon and the brightly lit stars. That is until a fucking coconut falls and hits me on the head. Better said, "Scream 1" is needing a pacifier and "Scream 2" is needing a bottle at 2 A.M. IN THE FREAKING MORNING. So with that being said, I decided that I would go and meet the in-laws on vacation in good ole' "Sweet Home Alabama". It would be a whole lot sweeter than me sitting at home dreaming up one.

Now here's the catch! I'd have to bring the diaper-wearing kids, "Scream 1" and "Scream 2" along. Because that was the whole purpose of the vacation. My mother-in-law wanted to spend some time with all of her children (6 to be exact), and all of her grandchildren (12 to be exact), and one great-grandson. I totally understood why and we wanted to be a part of it. But, here's another catch! The husband would have to stay behind for good reason that I won't bother getting into. Just believe me when I say that the whole world depended on it.

So, I had to make the journey a little more practical by bringing one of my best friends to help me with the kiddos and to spend some quality time together.(diaper-changing skills required) Hey...You didn't think for a moment I'd travel by- myself with the Rugrats and endure 72 hours of parenthood. It's not what I signed up for, to say the least. And yes, it was only 3 nights and 3 days of PURE INSANITY I would've had to endure. I'm only human after all.

This video I created sums up what my long-awaited vacation was like. Keep in mind that we traveled from Houston to New Orleans in two vehicles. Gratefully, I was able to jam out to some Pandora on the way. Here is where we spent Father's Day weekend together at my best friend's Oasis...We call "Pelican Paradise". Then the husband returned back to Houston, and my friend and I (rugrats included) continue on our journey to Gulf Shores, where the in-laws were staying at my sister-in-law's private beach house called "Times-Picadune", overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. No coconut trees, but a whole lot of sand and a few tar balls. One of the FEW tar balls happened to float its way into my swimsuit which passed itself onto my ass. No biggie though...Luckily, baby's got back to protect her from hazardous chemicals and environmental damage. Nothing a little Dawn dish detergent can't handle.

I have to admit, the video doesn't do much justice ON HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD! (No exaggeration intended in this line.) I simply have to be thankful that I married into such a great family! I'm also thankful for my best friend, who takes me in and puts up with me and all my baggage other than the husband. They really made me feel at home and carefree. So I want to say, THANK YOU! To all you "Captain dickheads!" ( You know who you are.) Who made me feel like I can LOOSEN UP! ENJOY LIFE! AND PLAY "THE GAME"! Let's just say, thanks to those who created alcohol games to occupy a little time and relieve tension when needed.

Dude! Are we there yet? from pokerfacemom on Vimeo.

Weird enough for me

2010-05-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

weird enough for me from pokerfacemom on Vimeo.

Kung Fui

2010-02-04T10:29:00.000-08:00

The other day my three-year-old son locked the husband and I out of the house. I knew it would happen sooner or later cause he's pretty tall for his age. He can reach and turn the lock on our front door.

I'm not used to having doors with no double deadbolt lock. Our last house had it on all the doors leading outside and I didn't like the idea of not having them. I'd be much more at ease if I could deadbolt lock the doors with a key so as not to worry about my child escaping in the middle of the night. Paranoid? I call it, 'Staying ahead of the game'.

So, I had to resort to purchasing a bunch of baby-proof-door-knob safety thingys, and placing them on all the doors in the house. I now pray that we never have an uncontainable fire in the house and we need to get out in a hurry. We may have a serious situation on our hands when I'm not able to open the doors -because 'the fucking thingy' (door knob cover) won't open for me. As far as I'm concern, they should warn people about the product and write on the package in big bold letters (WARNING! MAY CAUSE DELAYS in a panic-stricken situation.

It happened on an early evening weekend. We decided to have our back patio extended so that we may be able to enjoy our backyard without having to step on shitty land-mines. It was a chance we took with one of the construction workers soliciting cement work on the side. People here don't fool around. Especially the construction workers. Here in Texas houses are completed in 4 months flat. Rain or Shine.

They did a great job on our patio. Just a few minor things because of communication problems, which I blame myself for. The men were Spanish speaking and did not speak a lick of English. I was the translator between the husband and the workers. I'm usually able to get my point across, but I'll flunk a Spanish test. I don't read or write Spanish as often as I think I should.

Anyhow, it was time to pay the men, and the husband and I both walked out the front to discuss our next project -and for me to translate. We left the children inside happily playing with whatever it is they play with, I can't quite remember what it was. Probably something other than a toy. What is it with kids and playing with everything but their toys? I should buy them a laptop and be done with it.

As I was saying. After we finished conversing with the guys out front in Spanglish, we attempted to go back inside. We turned the knob and, low and behold, we discovered we were locked out by the master-minded three-year-old inside. So, what do we do? We look at each other dumbfounded and presumed that this may quickly escalate into a disaster with catastrophic proportions. We checked all around the house for open doors and windows. As we suspected, they were all locked. I had faith, though, that my boy can unlock the door since he did lock it in the first place. The husband walked toward the back to see what he can come up with and to look through the window to see what the little rascals were up to. I decided to place my ear to the front door so I can hear if they were crying hysterically. Surprisingly they were not. Instead, they sounded like two outlaws getting into anything and everything they undoubtedly were NOT supposed to. I can clearly hear that they were playing with bamboo sticks that were in a decorative pot, I'm forever telling them, "DON'T TOUCH!" And were playing 'Kung Fu' stick fighting. I then called out to my three-year-old to come to the front door. I kept my cool and began to infiltrate.

Me: "Mastermind! Come unlock the door for us, baby!" "You locked us out!" "I know you can do it." "Just turn the lock for mommy."
Mastermind: "NOT BY THE HAIR OF MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN!"
Me: "PLEASE!" You conniving little shit!
This lasted for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Finally, after several minutes of negotiating, I was able to convince him by agreeing to all of his requests. 1. Make him pancakes and a bowl of ice cream every morning. 2. Allowing him to stay up late for one month. 3. No baths or teeth brushing for a whole month. Unwillingly, I agreed to all of them but will renegotiate at a later time.

I knew there would still be a problem after he'd unlock the door because of the 'fucking thingy'. I suspected that he would not be able to turn the knob after unlocking it. So, I knew I needed to turn the knob as quickly as I could after he attempted to unlock it. I tried several times but failed and almost gave up hope. As I paused to think about a different approach, I heard bamboo sticks being thrust against the door vigorously. As though my kid was going to pry the door open with the bamboo sticks. Suddenly, the door slowly opened, and I jumped up for joy!

I praised and applauded my son's achievement by accomplishing something, in my opinion, so unbelievable! He amazingly pried the 'fucking thingy' off with the sticks. I didn't know what to think! I mean can a three-year-old do these kinds of things? Or, am I blessed with a child with abilities like no other...? To be determined at a later date.

For now I need to come up with a different solution to keep my kids safely contained inside the house. Although, we don't seem to have a problem keeping them inside, it's them keeping us out. I can only imagine what kind of shenanigans the two of them will come up with when they're old enough to drive. Paranoiac? No. Just STAYING AHEAD OF THE GAME.

EXTRA! EXTRA! A GORILLA IS SPOTTED WITH TWO BABIES IN A DOMESTICATED AREA IN TEXAS!

2010-01-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin! Let me think.We moved into our new home here in Texas about two months ago, and ever since then I haven't had the time to take a cat-nap, and even less, write on my blog. I haven't had the energy to do anything I actually want. The only mammal I can relate to these days is a gorilla in the midst of all this unpacking, diaper-changing, and going up and down the fucking stairs approximately 100 fucking times a day!

Why gorillas do you ask? Because I walk around all day with a one-year-old and a two-year-old hanging on me, like two baby monkeys hanging on their mother, as she walks around performing her daily routines. Pulling on her hair, her ears, her fingers. And I gotta tell you... Gorillas have it WAY better than we do. Only because they don't have to worry about what they look like in the process. I can't tell you how many times I looked in the mirror at the end of a day and saw that I had banana gook stuck to my face, hair, and ASS.

I suppose the husband and I were delirious after house-hunting. We looked at 15 different homes with our two kids in a single day. It wasn't easy getting in and out of the car. We eventually settled on a two-story home that include a series of stairs. 15 steps to be exact. All I can say is I better have buns-of-steel in the next couple of months because I climb those stairs like a warrior commencing into battle EVERY FUCKING DAY! "Beyonce' who?", is what the husband better be asking in a few months.

Another issue we're having while the kid's bedrooms are upstairs, and the master is downstairs, they think we're on different planets when they're left alone in their rooms. They wake up after a nap screaming BLOODY MURDER! Like, they were lost in outer space, never to be found again! So, guess where they sleep at night? You guessed it. All four us sleep in the master suite downstairs. I wake-up every morning, and walk like a zombie, unconsciously and miraculously, STRAIGHT to my state-of-the-art Mo-Jo machine, and fix me a hardcore, hazelnut cafe latte with a double shot of espresso. And that, my friends, is how I'm surviving the insanity. I'm just thankful it's a king size bed and that we're all pretty lean and petite.

If you're wondering about our three dogs, they went from sleeping in a hotel suite to a motel with a window. The mud room in our old house was WAY bigger than this one. Also, the yard is insanely small! Forget about walking on the grass. There's a pile of shit, a foot away from each other, covering the entire yard. I'm also missing our mud sink to bathe our dogs in, which was so much more convenient than breaking your back bending over the tub. It's bad enough that I need to bathe my kids in one. I realize now how much it's worth to pay a groomer to groom your dogs. PRICELESS!!! I'm seriously thinking about converting one of our guest bathrooms into a grooming salon. FOUR fucking toilets are too many to maintain, anyhow!

Don't misunderstand me. I love our new home! It's beautiful! It's newly built construction. We have a game room and a media room which is awesome to have when your kids are this age. I don't even mind the problem we're having with field mice in our kitchen. They're pretty damn cute. We've been capturing them, one-by-one, each day in a reusable live mouse-trap and letting them go in the field behind our home. My two-year-old gets a kick out of it. It's funny though, the problem never seems to end. For all we know it may be the same mouse making a U-turn right back into our home. And if that's the case, then we've been capturing the same persistent, condescending mouse for well over a month now. Why does Ratatouille come to mind?

So far, Houston is not too bad of a place to live. There's a hell of a lot to do around here. They're museums. SO many restaurants. A ridiculous amount of indoor and outdoor shopping centers, it's pretty insane. There's so much to choose from; we have something to do every weekend for an entire year.We can't believe how kid-friendly everything is around here. The shopping centers have an indoor park made of plush material for the kids to play on. They also have an indoor carousel! The only problem, you can forget about shopping if you have the kids with you. Or perhaps, you can try blindfolding them.

Little Car Wash Of Horror

2009-10-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

WARNING! No unappreciative teenagers allowed in this House Of Horror. There will be absolutely NO REFUNDS!

My name is Pokerfacemom, and I'm a Shopaholic

2009-09-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

Lately, I haven't been able to feed my addiction that I obsessively crave, at least... hmmmmm... more than I should say. Wait a minute! I have a bit of telepathy going on right at this very moment! What's that honey? ("H-o-o-r-a-y! H-o-o-r-a-y!") That's great sweetie! I'm glad you're thrilled! As crazy as it sounds, I'm feeling pretty damn good about it also. It's nice to know that we'll be saving a few thousand dollars this year.

Luckily, for me that is, my cousin who has an online business on eBay, selling name-brand, hand-me-downs (Who has a multimillionaire friend connection), came over just in the nick-of-time, and saved me from the dreadful withdrawal syndrome I've been suffering from for these past few months! She came over with a bag FULL of designer name-brand jeans that, apparently, I never seem to have enough of! And to be open and honest about it, I wanted to purchase every single pair. Especially since I haven't been on a shopping spree for a very long time. It's just too hard to do with two sneaky toddlers. And these past few months I've been limited to Super Target. That's where I do most of my damage. I usually come back home with a bunch of unnecessary items, and most of the ones I have on my list, mysteriously works its way out of the cart. Pretty sneaky if you ask me. Anyway, it felt as though I truly had an addiction that was irrepressible. Seriously. If my cousin would have had an endless supply of the stuff, I might have been subjected to a rehab facility by possibly THE HUSBAND.

Now, this is going to be a little difficult for me to do. I would want to keep this kind of information to myself, it would greatly increase the chances of me winning. But, since I've become a better person after having children, I will eagerly share it with all of you! If you like to check out my cousin's eBay store, just click on the link in this sentence. Take a look at what she has to offer and her great prices, which is basically a steal if you consider how much it would cost brand new at the store. Some of her stuff is BRAND NEW with tags! But I must warn you, they go pretty fast!

STEP RIGHT UP FOLKS AND PLACE YOUR BETS! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE BESIDE YOU PLACING MINE!

I think my real problem would've been if I did NOT splurge and buy these bad- ass True Religion Swarovski crystal jeans. I'd say to the husband, "I must have fallen off my rocker and bumped my head, to just go right ahead and trade me in for a newer model." And you might as well subject me into an INSANE ASYLUM while you're at it!

Apparently I made the right decision because ever since I made that purchase, I've been floating on cloud 9 and loving every minute of it! And I'm pretty sure the husband is loving it also. There it is again! What's that honey? ("F-r-o-m b-i-t-c-h t-o s-w-e-e-t-h-e-a-r-t r-i-g-h-t o-v-e-r-n-i-g-h-t!") Thanks babe! I'll have to agree with you on that one! I am feeling pretty damn sweet! And SO SPANKIN' HOT, you can hear me sizzle!

Live in the moment

2009-09-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Live in the moment from pokerfacemom on Vimeo.

I chose to create this video as an inspiration to my father who recently suffered an unexpected stroke. "Keep up the progress and never look back!" "Live and enjoy every moment." "Take small steps." "Live today, not yesterday or tomorrow." "Keep moving forward, Dad." "We love you!!!"

Take One!

2009-09-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

My poor father! He's experiencing something so horrific and something so supernatural, that it could possibly be a good story line for the classic series, "Alfred Hitchcock presents". Anyone who knows my father well, would say that ironically this is the type of disease he would develop, because of its psychosomatic characteristics, and horrifying symptoms. Let me just say, my father loves ANYTHING that is science-fiction. Alfred Hitchcock is one of his all time classic favorites, followed by Star Trek, Twilight Zone, and The Planet of the Apes. My father has never been ill, since I can remember. He occasionally catches a cold, and sometimes suffers from headaches. Lately, he's been suffering from migraine headaches more often than usual. He refuses to see a doctor for anything. So this is out of the norm for our family to experience.

He is thought to be suffering from Meniere's disease. Meniere's disease is an abnormality of the inner ear, characterized by episodes of dizziness, tinnitus and progressive hearing loss (usually unilateral), to say the least. Dizziness can be tolerated, in my opinion. Tinnitus, I too experience at times, when I'm dehydrated or stressed, or maybe even sleep deprived. It's a high pitch ringing or roaring sound that suddenly occurs in one of my ears, as a subtle reminder to get some sleep or else, is what I've assumed. Now, if I can only train my brain to repeat those words, rather than sound the alarm, we would be in such harmony with each other.

Dizziness, tinnitus, and hearing loss, are a few symptoms that occur from this disease. The most dramatic and distressing symptom of them all is called, vertigo. vertigo is an illusion of movement; a sensation as if the external world were revolving around an individual or as if the individual were revolving in space. The person who is affected shows loss of normal equilibrium, for which the room begins to spin very fast, and they lose control of their ability to maneuver accurately. In some cases, they tend to walk sideways, that's if, they are able to get up and balance themselves. You're basically non-functional on one side, usually the side in which the ear is affected.

I can't comprehend the extent of fear that one develops when experiencing vertigo! But it sounds absolutely terrifying! Unless you're one of those freaks who thrives for an adrenaline rush, who are always looking for the ultimate ride of their lives. Or, on the other hand, someone who enjoys getting wasted followed by hurling in the toilet all night long.

To make matters MUCH worse, because the disease could be caused by a viral infection in the ear it can relapse simply by poor diet and stress. What's more stressful than knowing that it may trigger at any moment under stressful conditions? No chance in winning that particular challenge! "I'm not sure if I should fly?" "I really shouldn't have that second glass of wine." "I can't have a cup of coffee to wake my ass up?!" Do you feel my stress? And for the tip of the ice burg, I've read that it's hereditary! That's just FREAKIN' great! I'm stressed now.

My assumption is that if I'm experiencing ringing in my ears (tinnitus), then I must have it. It just hasn't occurred yet. I hope for my husbands sake that it never does! So I'm taking precautions right now! I'm taking control of my destiny! As of today, I quit drinking coffee, and maybe alcohol. I'll exercise regularly, even if it's just a brisk walk in the park. A proper diet and regular exercise can help reduce fluid retention, and reduce the fluid that builds up in the affected ear, which is thought to cause vertigo in Meniere's disease. The accumulation of excessive fluid can rupture the membranes. This results in mixing of the fluids, one rich in sodium and the other rich in potassium. The mixture of these fluids is thought to bring on vertigo. I will never step into my favorite clothing store, coincidentally called "VERTIGO", and feel the same again!

They also say, by keeping your emotional stress level down, may help to keep it under control. Did I hear someone say Valium? And for exercise, all I need is to add a double jogging stroller to my AWESOME collection of strollers, so I can add more bulk and two babies into my daily routine. Oh, I also forgot to mention that eliminating salt intake is primary. I guess no more pickles, OR CHEESE. Yes, I fell off the wagon more than twice since I've became vegan a year ago. Nobody's perfect.

In the meantime, We all are hoping and praying that this will pass very soon, and that my father can fully recover from this crazy, supernatural, thought to be Meniere's disease. So that my children can play with their WONDERFUL "Papi" who they love very very much.

Take Two!
Take two!

After writing this post, we discovered several days later that it was not Meniere's disease, after all. It was, unfortunately, a stroke that my father suffered from, which was caused by a brain aneurysm. I debated whether or not to publish this post, but I thought that Meniere's disease is so rare and strange that some people would want to know a little something about it. And I also wanted to inform people about the importance of getting your health checked when reaching certain milestones during your lifetime. As I said to myself, "Why go through labor pains during delivery, when I can experience it PAIN FREE!", which is not quite how it happened. Just as well as, why play guessing games with your symptoms when there is modern technology and experts that we can trust and rely on, for the most part, and who deal with these kind of cases on a daily basis. Who could ultimately save your life! After all, there is always a second opinion.

I just need to be thankful that my father suffered a minor stroke (cause by a genetically abnormal blood vessel), and that he has his strength to recuperate quickly and will continue to push forward. His mind is still very strong, and I feel confident that he will conquer this with ease and have very little or no symptoms at all. This was just a 'freak' incident that has happened to him, because the tests that they ran on him on that dreadful day came back looking perfect! They showed no signs of high blood pressure and his cholesterol level looked great! Thanks to his vegetarian diet! I guess that's why they sent him home confirming that it may have been a pinched nerve. Again, I keep telling myself, that no one is perfect. "It's just pure bad luck," is what the radiologist said. I still wonder about those migraine headaches he's been complaining about. That doesn't matter anymore. The important thing to remember here, is that life can have unexpected twists and turns. For whatever reason why these things happen will remain a mystery, and what we need to focus on now are the positive and wonderful things in life. We need to continue to push through the difficult and challenging times that may lie ahead, and continue to live our lives the best way we know how, to push forward and stay positive.

I'm glad my father still has his sense of humor, it will be beneficial for a speedy recovery. The incidents that led to my fathers unfortunate stroke is a whole other story. He is more than willing to share it with us at a later time. I must say, the photographs that he shot leading to the stroke is funny enough to share by itself.

3 a.m. start time at Woodstock

2009-08-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm so AMAZINGLY relaxed about this move, that I might as well have Woodstock on the brain! We are moving to Houston because of a well-deserved promotion, and we only have a couple of months to fall in love with a house, purchase it, then move the entire family and our belongings into our new home. This is going to be very interesting to see how it play's out. Because particularly, when the going gets tough, the tough will back out at the last minute and blame it on the husband for disrupting her whole entire universe that she's VERY comfortable living in.

I know what you're thinking, "Give the poor bastard a fucking break!" "If it wasn't for him, we'd be living on the streets begging for food!" I'm not too convinced I would allow that to happen, but it's something I thought of. Personally, I would not appreciate going back to the hustle and bustle of back-breaking, labor-intensive pet grooming, then come back home coughing up hairballs, covered in bodily fluids, and be greeted by a couple of crying, needy children. I'd imagine that my kids would probably be starving and running around screaming in nothing but a diaper, like lawless children, because after work, I wouldn't have the energy to cook, nor do laundry for that matter, and much more less, discipline them for tearing up the house. I have a total new respect for working mothers, but better you than me.

And if it did happen, we might as well live on the streets! I don't see the difference between it, except for a little rain, some sunshine and a little bit of body odor. I'm thinking, garbage bags, sunblock and a some patchouli will assist in that. And maybe a conditioner for the dreadlocks hair we would develop for, not having the luxury of an occasional bath. I've always wanted to sport some dreads, though. Seriously! And, another consideration I had in mind is that my kids would not become spoiled little brats, because how could they? When there's not enough money to go around for food, much less an iphone, PC, or Xbox 360.

OK. Enough with the surreal life and back to the real world.

I thought of all different types of scenarios. So far, I rationalized that the best solution for our family is to keep moving forward. Whether it's across the Pacific Ocean on a 24 hour sleeping pill or across the Atlantic Ocean where no one dares to explore, or visit for that matter. And forget about the plane ride! If this is the only way to travel the world with the family, then so be it.

I personally think it's very important for me to stay at home with my children, raise them appropriately and be full of energy while doing so. Especially, if we're moving them around like cargo to destination uncertainty. It's reassuring to know that there is one certain foundation in their lives. A Mother. A Wife. A Teacher. A Nurse. A Hair Stylist. A Chef......OKAY, maybe not a Chef. Someone who is capable and willing to care for her family and who knows in her heart that she is greatly appreciated. I just need to work on improving my ironing skills, put away the clothes, replenish the groceries and cook from time-to-time.

Till then, I'll keep fantasizing about my dreads and Woodstock!