The election results (which have since been removed after we requested comment from WikiLeaks) had the Republicans picking up 32 seats in the House and 4 in the Senate, gains that were lower than most analysts anticipated. These numbers also ensure that the Democrats retain control in both the House and the Senate.

There had already been talk of election tampering, particularly after voters in Nevada raised concerns about ballots being pre-checked for Democrat Senator Harry Reid. It has also been revealed that these voting machines are controlled by SEIU, a close ally to President Obama. This has given rise to speculation that the election is somehow being rigged to keep the GOP from winning a majority in either the House or the Senate.

When asked about the alleged election results, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs responded: “Look, we live in a democracy where the American people get to participate in the democratic process and vote for their democratically selected leaders. I don’t see why everyone has a problem with the democratic process all of a sudden. These elections are democracy in action.”

In the follow-up question, a reporter asked Gibbs if the White House was concerned that this type of tampering could disenfranchise voters. He then said, “The only people who are unhappy with election results in a democracy are the losers. That’s always been true. So no, we don’t believe the voters will be any more disenfranchised now than they were in the last election. Besides, these results are pretty much consistent with the polls we’ve been looking at. And we’re confident that the returns on Tuesday night will show the same results as this alleged report. So I don’t see a problem. This is the democratic process.”

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

One event like these would be easy to dismiss without a second thought. Two events and you start to think it’s a strange coincidence. Three events though, and you begin to wonder if there is a pattern.

After extensive investigative reporting, we have discovered that these three incidents were not the only such events to have occurred during Obama’s presidency. Rather than isolated events, it appears that there is a pattern of animals being attracted to the President. These exclusive pictures have not yet been obtained by other media outlets. We are breaking this news to you first.

Obama’s Animal Attraction

At a fundraising dinner, a donkey was somehow able to enter the building. The animal quickly found President Obama and briefly tickled him on the cheek before being caught and removed from the premises.

At a meeting with other world leaders, Obama was seen with leeches on his face and arms. They were eventually removed.

This photo has been used widely on the internet. The original picture, which included the vultures circling overhead, was cropped to show Obama with only the Capitol Building in the background.

On an unofficial trip to his homeland of Kenya, Obama was seen talking on the phone while a pack of hyenas feasted on the remains of a dead animal.

As the President spoke on a farm in Iowa about the benefits of alternative energy sources such as ethanol, a bull walked behind him and “fertilized” the ground.

It is clear that animals are being attracted to Obama. In our investigation, we found evidence of flies, rats, donkeys, leeches, vultures, hyenas, and bulls gravitating to the President. We’re not sure yet if the type of animal has any significance, but this pattern of animal magnetism cannot be denied.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

President Obama has fixed all of our problems overnight.

When Obama was elected, he won by campaigning for change. He gave people hope for a better future. More than a year into his Presidency, many were losing faith in Obama. His popularity kept slipping. His agendas became unpopular. The economy kept getting worse. But Obama worked hard all through the night and made good on his promises of hope and change.

Utopia is here.

While you were sleeping, the President was awake, fixing our broken country.

• We are no longer divided. The violent, hate-mongering tea-parties have been quietly eliminated.
• Our national debt is gone. In fact, China now owes us money.
• We are no longer dependent upon foreign oil. Our cars now run on compressed air.
• The unemployment problem is fixed. All those who want a job now have one. Those who don’t want a job will be richly supported by the government. Don’t worry, there is plenty of money to go around.
• The new health care reforms, as well as Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security are now fully funded using money saved by eliminating all military spending.
• All military spending was able to be eliminated because the United States has no more enemies. Osama bin Laden turned himself in. Iran gave up its nuclear ambitions. North Korea’s Kim Jong Il is now residing in a nursing home. And Hugo Chavez in Venezuela has resigned in order to pursue a career in competitive hot dog eating.

You may be thinking that all of this sounds too good to be true. But you need not doubt this report. I can assure you that all of this is correct. How? Last night Obama also put an end to all lying. Gone are the days of listening to a speech or news report and wondering if it can be believed. Your mind can now be at ease. All that you hear from this day forward will be the truth, for it cannot be anything different. False or misleading information is no longer in the realm of possibility.

Truly, this is Utopia.

In the future, this day, the first of April, will be used to celebrate the gift of a perfect society, given to us by our great leader, Barack the Benevolent.

I.M. Cirius

—

Don’t forget, today is also American Socialism Day.

Plain Punditry

One such moment came tonight during Obama’s first State of the Union address. A typo in the President’s speech caused him to refer to his address as the “State of the Onion.”

Unfortunately for the President, this was not a single error, but occurred each time the word ‘union’ appeared in the speech. At one point, he attempted to cite a phrase in the Constitution, expressing our need to work together as Americans to “form a more perfect onion.”

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, who gave the GOP response to the President’s speech, mocked Obama’s mistake. “Many comparisons can be made between former President Jimmy Carter and current President Barack Obama. The first was a peanut farmer. The second, we learned tonight, has aspirations of being an onion farmer.”

The White House quickly issued a statement to the press about the error. The statement read: “We regret the unfortunate oversight that resulted in the President’s use of an incorrect word in his speech. We strive to hold ourselves to a higher standard than that of Microsoft Word’s spell check feature. We have acted quickly and have already dealt with the matter. The speech writer who is responsible for the mistake will retain his job, but has lost his exemption from the health care reform legislation that the President hopes to sign into law later this year.”

A senior aide to the administration indicated that the President recognized his misstatement when it was pointed out to him after the speech. He says that Obama plans to apologize to the American people just as soon as a statement is prepared for him to read.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

Methane is one of the greenhouse gases (along with carbon dioxide) that the EPA has labeled as a pollutant. It is expelled when both humans and animals “pass gas.” Such a tax on cattle has already been rumored. Now Congress is moving a step further by attempting to tax methane emissions coming from humans. The hope is that by imposing the tax, the government can reduce the amount of methane in the atmosphere.

But what if this isn’t enough? Environmental advocate and former Vice President Al Gore was asked about this. He responded, “Well, that is an interesting question. There’s no doubt we need to reduce the emissions of these greenhouse gases to save the planet. If this measure doesn’t reduce CO2 and methane levels in the atmosphere to appropriate levels, naturally the government will have to be more aggressive.”

Gore continued: “You know, when we started talking about these things, we were trying to get people to quit driving their big SUV’s. Now, many are beginning to realize that even if you eliminated all sport utility vehicles, human beings, by their very existence, are a threat to this planet. Eventually it may come to the point where the government will have to address that issue.”

“The best way to keep a person from emitting CO2 when they breathe is to simply stop them from breathing,” Gore added. “We need the government to be prepared to do this sort of thing if climate change is not reversed.”

Republicans opposed the bill, saying it was both unrealistic and unnecessary. In a press conference, House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said there is absolutely no way to monitor the flatulence of every American. “We can’t even keep track of ten million illegal aliens – actual people. How are we possibly going to keep track of the number of farts that come from 300 million Americans?”

If the legislation passes, President Obama will likely appoint someone to fill the new role of Fart Czar. Many believe Obama will move White House press secretary Robert Gibbs from his current position to the newly created one, due to his expertise and experience on the subject.

Immigration advocates, however, fear that hispanics will be hit hard by this new legislation. They predict that many Mexican restaurants will close as patrons will choose to eat elsewhere, rather than enjoy the beans and burritos, only to pay extra taxes later. They contend that the tax would lead for further job losses in an already troubled economy.

A grassroots movement has arisen to oppose this new legislation. A group known as the Freedom Farters has held a few protest rallies already around the country. At the latest rally in Slickpoo, Idaho, a group of about 300 people gathered to protest the proposed flatulence tax. Some of the protesters held signs with various slogans: “Fart free or die,” “That stench is Congress,” “It’s my party and I’ll fart if I want to,” and others. Franklin Toots, the group’s founder, spoke at the rally: “We have an administration that is working to gain control over every aspect of our lives. Now they want to control our farting. Where will it end?”

The Freedom Farters plan to hold a rally on Capitol Hill next month when Congress will meet again to discuss the legislation. Toots says the event will be open to all concerned citizens who wish to make their voices heard. They plan to serve beans, cheese, broccoli, and other flatulence-inducing foods.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

Daylight Saving Time (DST), was implemented for the purpose of gaining more hours of daylight after normal working hours. It was extended in 2007. Now Obama has revolutionized it. This weekend, instead of “falling back,” we will turn our clocks ahead one hour, just as we have done, and will continue to do, in the spring.

Obama explained why he made the change to Daylight Saving Time:

“Daylight savings time has, in many ways, become a metaphor for the political process in our country. We move forward, improving the quality of life for hardworking Americans, then a few months later we move back to where we started from.

“Americans are tired of politics as usual. Americans want change. I and my administration are dedicated to help bring about the change that people are calling for. Now, daylight savings time will reflect the change we are bringing to America, and that is to move forward. No more moving back. No more politics as usual. We’re going to keep moving forward.

“My hope is that every six months, when Americans turn their clocks forward, they will be reminded of the need for all of us to work together, to keep moving ahead, as we transform the United States of America.”

During a press briefing, Major Garrett of the Fox News Channel asked White House press secretary Robert Gibbs if all states would be required to make this change. Gibbs responded, “I’m sorry. We’re only taking questions from real news agencies.” Undeterred, Garrett began asking another question when Gibbs interrupted him, looked around at the other reporters and asked, “Does anyone hear anything?”

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell criticized the change, explaining that this “progress” would eventually lead to days without sunlight and sleepless nights for Americans who are unable to rest with the sun shining into their bedroom windows. He said the President needed to focus on creating jobs for struggling Americans, not requiring them to change the time on clocks they can’t afford to buy.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

But as more information is revealed about Justice Sotomayor, the nation’s admiration has turned to pity. As we have recently learned, her condition is such that she is not even able to dress herself.

This problem was discovered when she arrived in Washington, D.C. wearing a pair of fuzzy duck slippers and a bathrobe over her old flannel pajamas.

President Obama realized that it would be up to the White House to choose Ms. Sotomayor’s wardrobe for her acceptance ceremony. Obama wasted no time appointing a new fashion czar to handle this task. In the picture above, you can see how pleased the President is with the outcome.

This was not the first time the Obama adminstration has had to deal with an embarrassing trait in one of their appointees. Unfortunately, the other cases were not resolved as well as this one with Ms. Sotomayor. The most notable involved Van Jones, Obama’s former “green jobs” czar.

Jones recently resigned following an uproar among conservatives for his communist ideology. Many believe he stepped down because his views had been made public. But this is not the case. Despite the outcry, Jones could have stayed on in his role since he and Obama share the same ideological views.

The problem was not his communist views, it was Jones’ severe flatulence. The rank odors that were regularly expelled from his bowels made it impossible for anyone to work with him. But this presented another problem. Here was the green jobs czar pumping as much methane into the air as a few dozen heads of cattle. If news of this would have leaked, Obama and Jones would have looked like hypocrites. So the President asked Jones to resign. In order to not hurt his feelings by blaming his gas emissions, he used the complaints about Jones’ communist views as an excuse.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

The President met briefly for a photo-op with General Stanley McChrystal, the commander in charge of U.S. forces in Afghanistan. The White House is hoping that seeing the President in the same room as the General will assure the public that the commander-in-chief has not abandoned the military in the midst of war. The photos are designed to make it appear that Obama really is listening to his commander.

During their brief conversations between photos, Obama told General McChrystal that he has received his report which contained a request for additional troops. While the President said he hasn’t made a decision yet on the matter, he reminded the general that we don’t always get what we ask for. But Obama assured McChrystal that he and his advisers, even though many of them have no military background, were more capable to determine what the general needed than even McChrystal himself.

Reports later began circulating that the meeting ended with Obama trying to hold back laughter as General McChrystal exited the room with a “kick me” sign taped to his back.

When asked about this, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said there may have been a sign taped to the general’s back, but he did not know what it said. But he added that if the sign did say “kick me,” he assured reporters that neither the President, nor any of his aides, literally kicked the general.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

Since the summit is being held in the United States, President Obama was able to decide what city would host the event. In May, it was announced that the summit would be held in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

This was certainly an odd choice. There has been only one other non-capital city to host the event (Montreal, 2000). And Pittsburgh is, well, Pittsburgh.

So why Pittsburgh? There has been much speculation about the reason for the choice. But the administration quieted the speculation on Wednesday when it outlined its decision process.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the choice began with the graphic design firm commissioned to create the logo for the event. The concept sought to combine the city name and year with the name of the summit – G-20.

It was decided that the most effective way to do this would be to have the words broken up into two lines. The first would have the name of the city. The second would say, “Summit 2009″ with the “20″ in the year accentuated with a different color to make it stand out. To make this work, a city needed to be chosen that had the letter “G” near the end of its name that would be highlighted with the “20.”

Frank Leon, Obama’s newly appointed Marketing Czar, began compiling a list of U.S. cities whose names would fit with the logo concept. The list was narrowed down to four: Chicago, Birmingham, Anchorage, and Pittsburgh.

The Administration decided against Chicago so as not to give the appearance of showing favortism to the President’s home state of Illinois. Birmingham was rumored to have been ruled out because it is in the South, which everyone knows is full of racists who oppose everything the President does. The official reason given by the White House is that the “g” in Birmingham is not close enough to the end of the name. Anchorage was crossed off the list out of fear that they might run into former Alaska governor Sarah Palin.

This left Pittsburgh. Obama has said that it was ironically fitting to hold the summit in Pittsburgh, since the pit of all the world’s problems lie in the United States, and through the years America has done a pitiful job of living up to her ideals and that our actions in the past have pitted nations against one another, rather than bringing countries together for the common good.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry

The project, which has been in development for the past seven years, is intended to reduce wasteful government spending. Replacing the human Congress will save about $100 million a year in Congressional salaries alone, besides the growing costs for travel, health insurance, retirement, and other expenses.

In contrast, the cost of purchasing each robot is $150,000. Yearly maintenance on the robotic Congress is estimated at $200,000. During a time of soaring deficits, the federal government was looking for innovative ways to reduce spending.

This transition was originally to take place during the summer of 2010. But it was decided that the public’s intense disapproval of the current members of Congress, particularly over health care reform legislation, made this an opportune time to bring in the robots.

The robots, which are not affiliated with a particular political party, will each hold its seat permanently until it is no longer functional, at which time it will be replaced by a new robot. The Congressbots are each equipped with a random vote generator which will cast votes either for or against each piece of legislation. The obvious advantage to this over the old Congress is that the American people can be assured that their new robotic representatives will not be swayed by special interest groups, big campaign contributors, or any other factor.

The latest Rasmussen poll shows that 57% of Americans support this change. The telephone poll, which surveyed over 2,000 people across the country found that 19% of Americans believe that having robots in Congress will improve the performance of the Legislative Branch, while 13% believe the new Congress will perform more poorly than the old Congress made up of humans.

However, the majority of those surveyed (68%), believe this will have no real impact in the work that Congress does. The robots, like the humans they are replacing, will cast their votes without considering the content of the bills or listening to feedback from the American people.

I.M. Cirius

Plain Punditry