Pint of 45

Heidi's Bier Bar

2024-08-15T17:16:00.000+01:00

4–6 Mill Lane, Cardiff [map]

Whoever proposed the idea for this place must surely have been drunk at the time: a faux après-ski lodge serving four-litre beer towers, in which the poor bar staff are dressed in pigtails and Tyrolean dresses (and that's just the men), named after a 19th-century Swiss children's book.

Still, if you are going to come up with an insane theme for a bar while massively pissed, they've certainly seen the idea through to its illogical conclusion.

The seating is made up of lots of little booths, although it's not immediately clear where you're meant to leave your skis.

Ah, there's the answer to that then.

Handily, it's open till 3am, Monday to Sunday. So even if you've had a particularly long stint on the slopes – as this lot clearly have – there's still time to get in an enormous flagon of Löwenbräu before retiring to your Alpine chalet. Happy days.

Temple Bar

2024-04-05T13:33:00.000+01:00

6 High Street, Cardiff [map]

I know what you're thinking: "That's not Cardiff, you fools. It's clearly a pub in Dublin. You've finally had one fizzy lager too many and lost the plot."

But that, my friends, is where you'd be wrong.

For Temple Bar is, in fact, a replica of a tavern in the Irish capital that dates from 1840, transposed to the High Street in Cardiff. For, as far as we can ascertain, absolutely no reason whatsoever.

There's a curious double entrance scenario on the go, with the main door preceded by this area populated by high stools and barrel tables – a kind of amuse-bouche before the pub proper, if you will.

The Photographer is so overwhelmed by the unusual frontage that he actually falls to the floor at this point in a swoon. Yet he still manages to capture this snapshot on his way down. What a pro.

About 20 minutes later – The Photographer by now suitably recovered – we cautiously make our way to the bar. Only to be confronted by this spectacle. What sort of person heads to the pub clad in shorts and a Union Jack anorak, accessorised by a small dog?

We quickly solicit our bargainous pints (£3 for a Foster's!) and venture further into the pub.

"What's the craic?" is the inevitable question being posed on the far wall. However, the punters here seem to have eschewed the craic entirely in favour of fiddling about on their mobile phones.

This is more like it. Pints. Bants. Not a phone in sight. Good work, lads!

NQ64 Arcade Bar

2022-02-15T18:02:00.003+00:00

60–61 St Mary Street, Cardiff [map]

Previously the site of bizarro sports compound The Bunker, 60–61 St Mary Street is now home to the Instagram-friendly retro-future arcade games cyberbar of your dreams. Or nightmares. Depending on how you look at it.

There's a small but perfectly formed selection of beers on tap, although branding your house lager '4-Bit' Pilsner isn't exactly selling it. Obviously, we opt for the 4-Bit Pilsner.

While you're at the bar, you can also buy tokens for the parade of vintage arcade games on offer – the raison d'être of the whole place. Sundry games consoles from 'yesteryear' are also available to play for free.

Rarely will you see anyone playing cutesy shoot-'em-up compendium Point Blank 2 in as resolutely melancholy a manner as this.

Edgy.

If you're looking for what semiologist Roland Barthes – in a chapter entitled 'The World of Wrestling' in his seminal 1957 tome Mythologies – referred to as, "The primary virtue of the spectacle, which is to abolish all motives and all consequences," via the medium of an early '90s coin-operated videogame, then WWF WrestFest is just the ticket.

Brew Monster

2020-04-19T14:05:00.000+01:00

31–32 High Street, Cardiff [map]

You join us en route to a pre-coronavirus concert by the popular beat combo Napalm Death, which The Photographer – suitably boozed-up by that stage of the evening – subsequently strays into without a ticket.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves here. The first order of business is, of course, the pre-gig livener. To the bar!

This is one of the slew of booze joints that seemingly sprung up overnight down this end of the High Street.

Whereas most seem to focus on cocktails, gin and sundry libations of that nature, Brew Monster is very much about delicious pints.

It's tastefully done (and the staff are super friendly) but there's something about all that blond wood, the rows of industrial-chic lighting turned up to 11 and the large shopfront windows that lend it all the ambience of the Barry branch of Poundstretcher.

Blimey, this place is full of chaps, isn't it?

Our arrival coincides with the start of the weekly quiz. Absolutely no points whatsoever to the teams who selected the names Quizzy Rascal and Quiz on My Face.

Beelzebubs

2019-07-19T12:12:00.000+01:00

17–19 Church Street, Cardiff [map]

Beelzebub. Proper noun. A name for the Devil. Origin: From late Latin Beëlzebub, translating Hebrew ba'al zĕḇūḇ 'lord of flies', the name of a Philistine god (2 Kings 1:2), and Greek Beelzeboul 'the Devil' (Matt. 12:24).

Which is certainly at the more esoteric end of the spectrum when it comes to picking a name for your bar.

Fortunately, contrary to the brewhouse's monicker, heading inside is less like descending into the depths of hell and more like approaching a counter packed with craft beers that share a particularly identifiable branding aesthetic. So that's a relief.

I can't actually remember what this is but I do vaguely recall that, if you drink too many of them, it's a pretty accurate reflection of the state of your urine the following morning.

Looks like there's some sort of sporting activity taking place, no doubt involving men and balls. Which makes a change.

Holy shit, where did this lot come from?

Still, you've got to love that bloke's natty flat cap/horn-rimmed specs/patterned scarf combo. I bet he's got really great trousers as well. After all, the devil has all the best pantaloons.

Taxi!

The Flute & Tankard

2019-05-14T17:19:00.002+01:00

4 Windsor Place, Cardiff [map]

So, here we are back at The Flute & Tankard for the first time in aeons. In fact, we haven't been here since it was still called The Promised Land (of which more presently).

As you can see, they've sent out the welcoming committee.

We amble towards the main bar, which is reassuringly busy.

Always good to see punters engage in that classic drinking trope in which you pour the remains of one drink into another pint that you've taken a few sips of (bottom left). We all do it, don't we, even though it's *entirely pointless*.

Down the far end and there's no shortage of imbibing going on as the world is set to rights. All good stuff.

Head upstairs and there's a second bar along with extra seating in a space that also doubles as a function room.

Back in 'the day', we put on a few gigs here, with varying degrees of success, although the first one was particularly memorable as we somehow managed to get the Guardian website to run a preview of it (back when they had a local Cardiff blogger), and subsequently packed the place out with a bill that was headlined by a drummerless two-piece who sounded like The Fall being clonked repeatedly over the head with a small brass instrument (but in a good way).

Unfortunately, The Promised Land shut down unceremoniously when the owners did a runner just before Christmas one year, taking the wages that staff were owed with them. Not so much The Promised Land, more The Really Shitty Thing to Do Land.

Anyway, back to the present-day. While The Flute & Tankard is just off a stretch of Queen Street that you perhaps wouldn't naturally gravitate towards of an evening, it's well worth popping in for a swift pint if you're passing.

Just bear in mind that there's significantly less chance these days that you'll stumble upon a gig here featuring a "guitar/skronk/drum machine/cornet/abuse duo".

The Head of Steam

2019-02-03T10:34:00.001+00:00

18–19 Church Street, Cardiff [map]

Previously the site of a Harvester and, going back into the mists of time even further, Old Orleans, these sizeable premises have now been given a rail-themed scrub-up and transformed into a jack-of-all-trades bar. You know: craft ales, food, sport, live DJs. And so on.

There's a swathe of these places in the north but this is their first venture into Wales.

I don't really get the whole train-based vibe – why would you want to remind customers of our failing rail network of an evening? – but at least they don't take the theme to its logical conclusion: "Due to signalling problems, this pint has been diverted via Prestatyn and will be delayed by approximately two days. We apologise for any inconvenience caused."

Not entirely sure what The Photographer was aiming for with this shot. Still, as you can see, they've got some lovely wooden and tiled criss-cross flooring.

Now, I do like a booth and these are very well done, with lamps, charging points and – a nice touch this, you have to agree – overhead coat racks.

Upstairs, and there's a kind of vintage, industrial chic vibe afoot. And that's just the customers.

Blimey, this room is so bright it could have written A Brief History of Time.

Coyote Ugly Saloon

2018-10-21T11:26:00.001+01:00

78 St Mary Street, Cardiff [map]

So, here we are outside Coyote Ugly (formerly The Square about a million years ago) on an otherwise unremarkable Saturday afternoon, somewhat alarmed by the convoluted velvet rope/steel barrier walkway you have to negotiate to even make it to the door.

Not to mention the extravagantly lopsided ratio of security personnel (three) to punters in queue (zero). Maybe they're expecting trouble. Well, The Photographer has got a thirst on.

Before you make it into the primary room, there's this little side bar. We can only approve of the sort of place that enables you to get a drink on your way to getting a drink.

Well, this is awkward. There we are trying to peer at the medley of booze on offer behind the main bar and next thing you know there's a woman clad in cowboy boots and fishnet tights cavorting about right on top of the bloody counter.

This, we later learn, is *a thing* round these parts, but it doesn't half make you worry about getting your pint kicked over.

Heaven forbid you go here in a mixed group. Instead, the unwritten rule seems to be: men on one side, women on the other. Making the whole enterprise akin to a liquor-powered school disco. Just with worse music.

Oh god, the music. Did we mention the music? It's less aural pleasure, more psychological warfare – the sort of soundtrack that would have made you sympathise with Manuel Noriega.

The torture is compounded by the fact that the cheerleaders sashaying on the bar – mind that pint! – are prone to start caterwauling along at any given moment.

Still, anywhere that's got a bucking bronco is fine by us.

Kongs

2017-04-21T12:15:00.000+01:00

114–116 St Mary Street, Cardiff [map]

Formerly a (slightly odd) rock bar called Charlie Browns, this is now a retro arcade games, table football and ping pong-based joint.

Combine this with some delicious fizzy lager and you can't go wrong.

There's a kind of minimalist-industrial vibe afoot – someone clearly got a good deal on a job lot of plywood.

It's the old-school videogames that are the real draw – Donkey Kong, Track & Field, Double Dragon and the like. Surely no one has fond memories of NBA Jam though?

What you can see in progress here is the worst attempt to play a game of 1942 in the history of coin-ops.

Turns out that successfully taking part in a World War II dogfight following the consumption of five pints of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is easier said than done (and it's not even that easy to say).

Further inside again and there's 2003 drive-'em-up OutRun 2 adjacent to a weird glowing wall. And some more plywood. Obviously.

Hopbunker

2017-01-06T09:43:00.002+00:00

5–7 Queen Street, Cardiff [map]

After various incarnations over the years, including short-lived rock joint Bogiez, much-missed indie toilet the Barfly and raffle pedlar the Rose & Crown, this corner of Queen Street is now, officially, a bunker of booze.

Which, if you are going to be stuck in a bunker for any length of time, isn't a bad one to be in.

Negotiate the spiral staircase – easier said than done if you're in the midst of a serious all-dayer and are experiencing some issues with regards to maintaining a vertical base – and you're rewarded with a bar brimming with real ales, craft beers and various other libations in which myriad obscure things have been done to unsuspecting hops.

In other words, the Foster's is off – permanently.

There's a curious ambience to the place, partly because it's underground and has no natural light, and partly because the interior looks as if it's been furnished from an Argos catalogue circa 1996.

Still, just look at that beer menu.

It's all too much for that bloke at the bottom left to cope with. "Butcombe Yeti? Lincoln Green Marion? Mahrs Bräu Ungespundet? I just can't decide!" (And we didn't even make any of those up.)

The novelty urinal is a bit of a thing these days, isn't it?

Bierkeller

2016-11-13T14:10:00.000+00:00

Stadium Plaza, Wood Street, Cardiff [map]

It's been a while, hasn't it? Anyhow, what better way to pick things up again than at the, erm, Bierkeller Entertainment Complex, a wholly inauthentic conglomerate of themed bars that's part of the Stadium Plaza.

We head first for Shooters, a sports bar with an unholy focus on session lagers.

It's one of those nondescript, drizzly Sunday afternoons, so it's pretty quiet in here. Even the promise of watching some blokes kick a ball about on a big telly isn't that much of a draw, it seems.

The pool tables sit dormant, forgotten relics of analogue entertainment from a time before the invention Pokémon Go.

The actual Bierkeller element of the booze compound is shut, so we instead amble towards the building's third bar, Around the World.

The place actually dispenses a fine array of international lagery delights, including Sagres, Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada and Super Bock. The decision to stock only beverages beginning with the letter S is, however, a curious one.

But here's the really alarming thing about the place. The urinals are equipped with a 'beat the goalie' game, which you control by – there's no nice way of putting this – weeing on sensors built into the latrines.

It's often said that people have low boredom thresholds these days. But not even being able to spend a penny without having some form of entertainment on offer does seem a bit much.

The Photographer suggests it's taking the piss but is swiftly reminded that this blog would never stoop to making use of such a terrible pun.

Chapel 1877

2016-01-06T21:25:00.000+00:00

Churchill Way, Cardiff [map]

Chapel 1877 is a bar, restaurant and nightclub housed in a former methodist chapel in the unlikely location of the bottom end of Churchill Way.

It's more about fancy dining than it is straight-up boozing but there are some non-restaurant chairs and tables littered about the place if the sustenance you require is of the liquid variety.

The idea of having a large leather sofa directly opposite the bar is appealing - you can just yell your order at the barman without even having to get up.

Some people who have just posh noshed. The wine list runs to eight pages, by the way - remarkable, given that all wine tastes the same to us.

There's a small terrace area with a good view of that massive junction in front of Cardiff Masonic Hall, making it a good place for spotting old blokes with one trouser leg rolled up.

Oh my lord, what on earth's going on here? It's like it's from a particularly naff range of 1980s Athena posters, with added tribal tattoos. It might just be the worst thing my eyes have ever seen.

The Cambrian Tap

2015-06-26T12:36:00.001+01:00

51 St Mary Street, Cardiff [map]

Call it the Urban Tap House effect, if you like. What was, until recently, unloved Irish pub Kitty Flynn's is now craft ale hostelry The Cambrian Tap.

As is the way with these places (lit by de rigueur filament light bulbs, obv), there are all sorts of beers on tap that no one's ever heard of.

We opt for a couple of pints of Almond Butter Gear Shift Cable Doppelbock. And very nice it is too.

Excellent pouring technique there.

Employees are required to clock in and out using this antiquated device. Which does seem to be taking vintage chic to somewhat ridiculous lengths, if you ask us.

We do like a booth but, if you want to squeeze four people into one of them, you have to be on very good terms indeed.

The loos: the ultimate end point of any brewing process.

The long, narrow shape creates a slightly awkward space but they've made the most of it. Not least because, on particularly busy evenings, the staff actively encourage drinkers to crowd-surf their way from the door to the bar.

Although crowd-surfing while holding aloft a pint of Almond Butter Gear Shift Cable Doppelbock turns out to be much easier said than done (and it's not even that easy to say).

Artigiano

2015-05-30T10:44:00.001+01:00

115 Queen Street, Cardiff [map]

It's not really our natural habitat this, a kind of indie coffee shop-cum-craft beer dispensary lurking at the wrong end of Queen Street.

Indeed, I can't say I'm a massive fan of any bar area in which the falling-down water has to share space with gluten-free cakes, but there you go. There are also paninis and wraps on offer, if you like that sort of thing.

Of course, the only acceptable form of sustenance during a session in the 'Diff is a bag of chips from Caroline Street.

On tap is their own craft lager and cider, Estrella and Charles Wells DNA. Plus there's wine, a smattering of spirits and - according to my notes - "a fridge full of bittled beers".

I have no idea what bittled beers are but they sound interesting.

On the way in, there's also this extraneous coffee counter (seen here from the balcony). Which is clearly of no use to us.

At this point, and for reasons known only to himself, The Photographer attempts to demonstrate the concept of centrifugal force - by spinning around this almost-full pint glass. The end result being that he pours most of his drink over my shoes.

Still, we learn something from the experience:

1. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

2. Never go drinking with The Photographer without a change of socks

BrewDog

2015-02-04T17:11:00.000+00:00

31 Westgate Street, Cardiff [map]

Next stop, BrewDog - a bar so hipstery you're only allowed in if you're sporting a waxed moustache and a pair of tweed breeches, while riding a fixed-gear unicycle.

Fortunately, it's a look The Photographer has recently adopted (and, in fact, pulls off with some aplomb), so we make it through the door without incident.

Most of the drinks here are produced by BrewDog - "Beer for punks", as they put it - so it's more Five AM Red Ale (at £4.55 a pint, no less) than Foster's.

A lot of their stuff is in the six to seven per cent range and only comes in half or two-thirds of a pint measures. Something to do, we presume, with encouraging drinkers to appreciate the flavour and quality of the grog as opposed to simply downing industrial quantities of cheap, tasteless lager.

It'll never catch on.

On the plus side, the place does attract a slightly higher class of clientele than, say, the 'Spoons down the road. Indeed, just out of shot is Alain de Botton who, we learn, is particularly partial to a Shipwrecker Circus.

This booth isn't actually that big - it's just that those two men are very, very small.

Downstairs is this little nook, housing a sofa and a Nintendo 64 - although the Mario Karting was temporarily put to a stop recently when the TV blew up.

Moose Head Bierkeller

2014-12-19T10:29:00.001+00:00

Working Street, Cardiff [map]

You join us at the Pint of 45 Christmas party, this year hosted by the pop-up bar that's part of the Christmas market on Working Street. No expense spent.

This being the festive season, it's all German beer, Baileys hot chocolate and various things that have been mulled.

I have no idea what mulling entails but it sounds wrong, doesn't it? We opt for the mulled wine.

And here it is. Nothing says Yuletide more than a small polystyrene cup of hot booze.

The attention to detail here is impeccable - they've even imported a live polar bear as an added attraction. What the bloke sitting on it doesn't know is that it's going to have him for tea in approximately three minutes' time.

As everyone is patently aware, a moose sporting a festive scarf is a central tenet of the Nativity story.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Mount Stuart

2014-12-13T12:09:00.000+00:00

Landsea House, Stuart Place, Cardiff Bay [map]

Look at that - it's not so much just another branch of Wetherspoon as a Zaha Hadid-inspired monument to the joys of daytime drinking.

Fairly hectic at the bar but there are plenty of people serving and we secure our delicious pints of fizzy lager with a minimum of faff. Good old 'Spoons.

While most Wether-outlets are simply big square rooms with horrible carpet and some tables randomly plonked around the place, this looks as if someone's actually thought about what they're doing.

The upstairs bar is dominated by a fleet of low-flying drones that vaporise anyone who's looking the worse for wear. The Photographer begins to look very alarmed indeed.

We escape to the balcony. This chap is clearly pleased to see that we've made it out alive.

It's almost like a staged PR shot this of people engaged in responsible al fresco drinking - there's nary a single person vomiting into a hedge in sight. Well, The Photographer notwithstanding.

Our book, A Drinker's Guide to Cardiff, is out now, priced just £2.99. Click here to look inside and to order a copy

Charlie Browns

2014-10-12T14:22:00.000+01:00

114-116 St Mary Street, Cardiff [map]

Charlie Browns is perhaps one of the more unlikely drinking spots on St Mary Street. It's (literally) an underground bar/club although, with its CBGB-inspired banner (just seen, top left), it's clearly presenting itself as being part of the metaphorical underground as well.

Erm, reading that back, I have no idea what the metaphorical underground is.

Don't forget to salute the Jägermeister flag on the way in.

Good unpretentious fare at the bar: Carlsberg, Carlsberg Export and - if you're feeling particularly la-di-da - cans of Stella.

There's free use of an Xbox 360 although, as the note stuck to the front of the metal locker in which it's encased makes clear, "There are some simply rules."

These simply rules include having to 'exchange' your driving licence or passport for a controller at the bar. Which, frankly, seems like a bit of hassle in order to have a go on a last-gen version of Kung Fu Panda.

Take your pick from either a south or west-facing pool table, whichever your preferred cardinal point is.

Other entertainment options include the skittle alley they've installed in the somewhat dangerous and unexpected location of directly in front of the bar.

The woman pictured here has just knocked down five pins and a bloke carrying two pints of lager, a large gin and tonic, and a packet of dry roasted peanuts.

Our book, A Drinker's Guide to Cardiff, is out now, priced just £2.99. Click here to look inside and to order a copy

The Waterguard

2014-08-10T12:44:00.001+01:00

Harbour Drive, Cardiff Bay [map]

Back down the Bay then, this time for a visit to the curious environs of The Waterguard, with its Victorian frontage and contemporary, concrete-and-glass, erm, backage.

It's Cardiff's only pub operated by the Samuel Smith Old Brewery, which means there's none of your Foster's, Heineken or other reassuringly familiar thirst-quenchers on tap. Instead it's all Double Four and Taddy Lager, which tends to throw people a bit when they enter a Sam Smith's for the first time.

Still, the good news is that their assorted beers are pretty inexpensive (Double Four weighs in at £2.74 a pint). The bad news is that they are prone to sucker-punching you with the most horrendous hangovers.

Everything's very spick and span (notwithstanding the smell of vomit on the way in - someone had clearly been going for it the night before). Unfortunately, it's got all the ambience of a dentist's waiting room.

It's sometimes difficult to work out what The Photographer's motives are when he provides shots such as this, knowing full well that I then have to attempt to craft an engaging caption for it. Frankly, "Two-seater sofa adjacent to table with some leaflets on," just isn't going to cut it, is it?

Anyway, moving on, here's the outside area round the back, replete with 'artfully' positioned pint glass. This is basically the whole raison d'être of the place - if the weather's good, you can buy a cheap pint and then go and drink it on the grass outside. Lovely.

Our book, A Drinker's Guide to Cardiff, is out now, priced just £2.99. Click here to look inside and to order a copy

Cosy Club

2014-06-02T13:51:00.000+01:00

1 Hills Street, Cardiff [map]

And so to shoppers' retreat Cosy Club. Which is neither cosy nor a club but does at least have a nice alliterative ring to it.

The whole gaff is on the first floor and is accessed by the weirdest staircase in Cardiff.

Imagine the design meeting. "Yeah, so what we're going to do, right," goes some beardy hipster fresh out of art college, "is stick a massive gilt-framed painting on the wall of… ahh… that king who had all the wives, surround it with a few other random pictures of… um… some old guys and… er… if there's any space left underneath, fill it in with some coloured planks of wood."

"Brilliant. You're hired."

It's tricky sometimes to distinguish between a bar and a barre.

The main drinking area is all retro lampshades, outsize cushions and leather armchairs so impossibly low you've no hope of getting up from them after a few pints.

Further on through and there's a separate dining area. If you're into that sort of thing.

These framed images of Country Life 'lovelies' are, somewhat incongruously, on the walls of the men's loos. Although, to be fair, if you're from the country, you're probably fairly used to the smell of excrement.

Lenin. (McCartney not pictured.)

Brewhouse

2014-03-28T11:01:00.001+00:00

49 St Mary Street, Cardiff [map]

For ages - probably over a year - we were convinced that Brewhouse was a diminutive, independent coffee shop that put on afternoon gigs by wilfully naive folk singers. Kind of like Central Perk, just with less David Schwimmer.

Not being particular fans of either coffee or acoustic guitars, we always gave it a miss.

Turns out it's a popular booze palace/live music venue of some repute. How little we know.

The main room is embellished by a selection of instruments - including a number of large tom-toms - dangling precariously from the ceiling. Which does seem to add an unnecessary element of danger to having a pint here.

Thankfully, there's less scope for unfortunate drums-falling-on-heads incidents in the upper bar.

There are murals of various Welsh music icons (and Stereophonics) dotted about the place. Here's Tom doing his thing. We always thought his performances were a bit wooden but this is ridiculous.

Urban Tap House

2013-12-20T08:50:00.002+00:00

25 Westgate Street, Cardiff [map]

Stumble up Womanby Street these days and, before you reach the assorted pleasures of The Gatekeeper and Dempseys, there's beer-and-burgers emporium Urban Tap House.

It was opened in September by Newport microbrewery Tiny Rebel and, as the signage suggests, it's very much from the craft-beer-as-hipster-accessory school.

As you can see, The Photographer's camera - such as it is - doesn't cope well with bright lights. But we forge ahead nonetheless. We are, after all, professionals. (Aside: we're not.)

There's none of yer Carlings and Carlsbergs here. It's all Camden Hells Lager, Dortmunder Union Vier and, er, Dirty Stop Out.

Which is both a delicious smoked oat stout and a harsh-but-fair appraisal of what happens when you drink, let's say for the sake of argument, nine pints of the stuff on an empty stomach. Not that we'd know anything about that sort of thing, you understand.

It's in the same premises as Fire Island (above) used to be. Tiled bar aside, Urban Tap House is, in many ways, very similar to its predecessor - albeit without debts of £1.2m.

There's some sort of cask ales thing going on during our visit, which takes us well out of our comfort zone - who can even guess at what Buxton American Rye entails? But when we discover they're all going for £2.50 a pint, it seems churlish not to get involved.

We may be many things but churlish isn't one of them.

This is one of those arcade machines that houses loads of retro classics, including Space Invaders - here being played absolutely appallingly. The trick, apparently, is to take out the columns of aliens at the ends first.

More tips on 35-year-old videogames coming soon.

Round the side of the bar and you've got these little diner-style booths. Turns out they're not that easy to manoeuvre into following the consumption of a miscellany of cask ales and nine pints of Dirty Stop Out.

Porter's

2013-08-22T15:34:00.000+01:00

Harlech Court, Bute Terrace, Cardiff [map]

From the outside, Porter's may well be a nondescript-looking establishment in an unlikely location (it's tucked away on Bute Terrace between The Big Sleep and an immense block of flats). But its delights are many and varied.

For one, it's home to Cardiff's smiliest bar person.

The well-curated array of beers includes Blue Moon, Brooklyn Lager, Modelo, Anchor Steam Beer and this 8.4% Belgian concoction, Pauwel Kwak.

So that patrons aren't tempted to nick the shapely receptacle, you're asked to leave a shoe behind the bar as security. The Photographer, haggler extraordinaire that he is, manages to reduce the deposit down to a hat.

One (presumably hatless) woman was once so reluctant to remove a shoe that she instead left her wedding ring behind the bar. Which perhaps doesn't bode particularly well for her marriage.

A side room houses this bijou cinema – themed screenings of a trio of films take place every Sunday. Although due to some sort of licensing quirk, the bar isn't allowed to advertise which films it's showing outside the premises.

Keep going through the cinema and you arrive at this mini golf course. Which if it wasn't for the photographic evidence to the contrary, I'd be convinced I had imagined after one Kwak too many.

Nothing like a good table tennis/masturbation gag.

The Bunker

2013-05-24T14:26:00.000+01:00

60-61 St Mary Street, Cardiff [map]

The Bunker is, ostensibly, a sports bar. But in both name and presentation it's more like a fortified compound in which to take shelter from the impending apocalypse. (Otherwise known as a Saturday night on St Mary Street.)

It does a fine line in beverages that no one has ever heard of. Indeed, Backyard Retro sounds more like some sort of seizure-inducing moonshine than it does a legitimate lager-based product.

We order two pints of Backyard Retro.

The 'sports' aspect of proceedings comprises some darts on the telly (which, let's be honest, is a game not a sport) and the fact that there is enough open space to accommodate gymnastic floor routines.

Which is, it transpires, what those two kilted blokes on the right are limbering up for.

The gymnastics judges go on to have a rather heated discussion about scores at the bar. It's a close call but, in the end, Kilted Bloke #2 gets the nod and is through to next week's live final.

Incongruously, there's a collection of photos on the wall of former wrestler Bret 'Hit Man' Hart. Nothing like being able to gaze at a greasy-haired man clad in pink Lycra while supping your pint.

There's also a photo of Paula Radcliffe shitting herself.

They've thoughtfully created a little waiting area outside the loos. It doubles as a good place for a quiet lie-down if you've overdone it on the moonshine.

This is The Blue Room.

What happens in The Blue Room stays in The Blue Room.

Mordaith

2013-03-10T14:23:00.000+00:00

8-16 Park Place, Cardiff [map]

Hmmm… anywhere that houses large speakers on the outside suggests it's the sort of boozer that isn't really for us. After all, it's not as if they're going to be pumping out, let's say, the new Nick Cave album, is it?

All this is forgotten though as soon as we establish that there's no queue whatsoever at the bar and that two pints of Beck's can be obtained for a paltry £3.50.

For somewhere that sounds as if it's located just east of Gondor, there's a refreshing lack of orcs (well, aside for the one in the middle of the shot gazing listlessly at the football and wondering why it doesn't involve people attacking each other with war hammers).

Also, we're fairly certain that plasma screens haven't reached Middle-earth yet. So well done Mordaith for confounding expectations on that front.

The pattern on the carpet is ideal for impromptu games of Twister, as the bloke on the right is about to demonstrate. Unfortunately, he puts his back out in the process and has to be stretchered off the premises 10 minutes later.