Personal Files, Ciarente Roth

Personal Diary 26.2.115

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 12:13:00 +0000

It's a beautiful ring. White gold in a twisted loop that looks like two rings but it really one, turning and turning around itself, never ending, never beginning, always changing ...

Precious stones from my home, shades of blue and green, catching the light when I move my hand the way the surface of the river catches the sunlight.

And inside, the words We are in the river, and the river is in us.

Verin made it. He knew ... he knew exactly, the way he knew when he made that sculpture for me, the flowers for the twins.

It makes me laugh, when people talk about the cultural differences between the Federation and the State, when a man from Lonetrek understands me and everything my culture means to me so perfectly he can make it tangible, make it something I can feel with my fingers as well as in my heart.

And Charlie ...

Charlie knew to ask him to make the ring. Knew that Verin would get it righter than anyone else could.

And it's beautiful, and I will never take it off, except to fly, of course because it would be awfully inconvenient to need to get it back off an expired clone.

But if he'd been offering me a band of flimprint I still would have held out my hand and said Yes.

Yes, yes, one hundred thousand times yes.

I will walk on water with you.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 25.2.115

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 09:17:00 +0000

The snow is still deep, the air still cold enough to turn every breath into a soft cloud, but spring is near. Waiting politely still for winter's turn to finish, showing only in the rising sap that has the sugaring sleds out each morning and the tiny pin pricks of green against the soil in some sheltered, sunny corners, but there, ready, to leap forward in a riot of buds and blooms the very moment winter's rule ends.

Not quite yet, though, not quite.

It is still cold enough to need coat and hat and gloves and scarf, especially down near the river where the thick ice still holds firm and will until the snow-melt pushes it aside. Charlie, of course, looked like he was modeling the latest trend in slightly-outdated winter menswear, I do wish he'd let me set up a standing order with a few tailors for him.

I felt, and no doubt looked, like a Dominix, heavy layers never being flattering if you're not tall enough or slim enough to carry them off.

It was a pleasant way to spend a morning, strolling down the river, stopping for hot chocolate, eating those sugared pastries the gelato stalls sell in winter. We watched the children skating on the river and I thought about how in a few years, that will be Jan and Madlen, Fortune willing, and Nicolas not long after, our river-born, space-dwelling children.

Charlie wanted to try it.

Have you ever been skating? I asked him. Because it's not as easy as it looks.

He gave me that smile of his. Nothing ever is, non?

But of course, neither of us had skates. I briefly considered playing the capsuleer and bribing a couple of pairs off the skaters already there but they were mostly children and so matching sizes seemed a little unlikely.

Let's walk on the ice, a little, then, he said.

Even less easy. But I said, all right, if you want to. So we went down the steps and onto the ice a little.

The river still runs, you know, underneath. If you're out on the ice and it's quiet enough, you can hear it, or imagine you do, sweeping along beneath you, never ceasing, never stopping, running always from spring to sea, the current you can't swim against, only with.

But in winter, for a little while, you can walk across the river. The ice beneath your feet is still the river, just as the water beneath the ice is, but in those cold, still months it offers us that gift, changes its form for us, bears our weight.

Charlie felt it too. We're walking on water, he said.

And I turned to say to him That's funny, you know what we mean here when we say that ...

And he took a ring out of his pocket.

Whatever fortune and the future holds, he said. Wherever the river takes us.

I will walk on water to be by your side.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 24.2.115

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 11:33:00 +0000

Charlie took Camille and the little ones, and the nannies and a small baggage train as well of course, over to the Evolution today while I finished packing. It's so nice of Ami to volunteer to take them. Charlie said when he got back that she'd organised a section of the hold to be set up for them all with force-fields to keep the twins in.

I think that must be a joke.

Anyway. We're going to spend a few days in Debreth, and then some time on this planet that Silver told me about, one that he and Dr Toin went to, all floating islands and beaches. Actually, given how cold it is in Debreth this time of year, I thought we could just go straight to the beaches and drinks with tiny umbrellas in them, but Charlie particularly wanted to visit Debreth so we compromised.

It did mean I had to pack twice as much, though.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 23.2.115

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 12:25:00 +0000

Apparently Silver and Dr Toin had a very nice time on their most recent trips. Both came back pleased as a serp in a pharmacy, Amieta said. Plus, there's the flowers.

Nolikka sent 'Thank you for a lovely trip', she said. Silver sent - it would roughly be 'You were a good travelling companion'. Though that's not entirely right.

But ...

The flowers they used. Not the flowers you would send to a colleague. More the sort you would send to a friend.

And the way she said friend had double underlining and an exclamation mark.

Very personal. I think we are finally seeing a little progress.

And after two years I should hope so.

You would think that two people who are supposedly as intelligent as those two would work out there's a better way to say something important than by exchanging bouquets.

With, I don't know, words maybe?

But then ... I think back to those early days with Charlie and I wonder if it all might have been simpler if I could have given him a floral arrangement that said I know we don't know each other very well but the sex has been fantastic and also, I'm pregnant.

We were communicating a little better after two years, though.

At that point, with three children, we sort of had to be. The last little while I've sort of wondered, what with having the feeling all the time that there was something he wasn't telling me ... but then it turned out there was something he wasn't telling me but it wasn't in a bad way.

I always figured Silver'd be hitched before this, Ami said. I thought it'd be Jan, then Silver, then me.

Have you thought about it?

Thought about ... at home we'd say shulshen avhayn, walking on water. Eposuant.

Marriage.

Not for a long time. When Charlie and I first ... it was sort of in the air, you know? And I ...

I didn't want me and Charlie to become Mama and Papa, I told Ami. More important to each other than our children were to us?

Such a long time, since I've even thought about the way I felt back then, with what I thought was one new life growing inside me, wondering if I was going to be the mother I wanted to be or the mother I'd had.

So silly, it seems now. To think I ever thought that there was anything in the universe that could make me love my children less, that could make Charlie love our children less.

So many things I just didn't understand, back then.

So much I just didn't know.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 21.2.115

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 16:46:00 +0000

Law school.

That's what all the late nights have been about, when he was working except no-one at his office seemed to know about it. That's why he's been making excuses about not the right time to get a transfer up here or at least closer to here. That's why he's seemed so distracted, lately, why he's been to tired to do more than fall asleep as soon as he falls into bed.

Law school.

Not ...

Not anything else, or anyone else. I mean, I sort of knew it wasn't anyone else, because ... it's horrible to admit it now, even to myself, but I did start to see if I could smell someone else's perfume on his clothes, did look for someone else's hair or traces of lipstick ...

So I was pretty sure it wasn't anyone else, but it did start to seem like he would really rather not be here, that apart from the babies, well, maybe we didn't know each other that long before I found out I was blessed with the twins and maybe we don't have all that much in common and it happens, doesn't it, people just sort of ... stop being together.

But it was law school.

He didn't want me to know because he thought I'd probably ... call the Dean or something. Make sure he got good marks. And I probably would have, too, and he wanted to ... do it himself. Prove he could do it himself. Prove to me, to himself too I think.

Still, I could just shake him for putting me through it.

But oh, when they called out his name and I realized that he wasn't there just for some security reason, when I realized ...

I thought my heart would burst.

He has been ... this lovely man I met, who was blessed by Fortune with me, who adores our children, who doesn't expect me to be anything else than I am.

A good friend, a delightful lover, a reliable partner in the sometimes-challenging enterprise of raising three children under two.

But today I realized ... today I realized that he's family, that he would be family even if we had no children together, that having him in my life and in my bed is a non-negotiable part of my happiness.

I don't know what he wants to do next. Get a transfer to a station here? Keep studying at night? Study full time?

But I do know that whatever he wants, I will find a way for it to happen, and for us to be together while it happens.

And I know that he deserves a holiday, somewhere nice, with at least some time uninterrupted by children.

Fortune knows I do.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 6.1.115

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 14:56:00 +0000

New year, and quite a few changes since last year.

Our family is bigger by one, of course. Nicolas is nearly a year old, insisting on feeding himself and carrying on whole conversations in his baby babble. Madlen is into everything and Jan's favorite word is why.

I wish I could say the family is bigger by two but, although Silver and Dr Toin have grown much closer this year, she doesn't seem to want to be ... included.

I suppose that's understandable, given Camille's attitude.

And that's another big change. After her little experiment with the black-market implants she managed to get hold of some black-market growth hormone with the intent of speeding past puberty as quickly as possible.

Silver pointed out that she would probably try again, or try something else. That it was better to find a safe way to give her at least some of what she wanted.

So I talked to Dr Gephi, and he talked to a number of specialists, and Camille has been on a hormone program for some months now.

Compressed adolescence. Like regular adolescence, but even more ghastly to live with.

And it'll get worse. I don't know what I'll do when she's mentally thirteen and physically seventeen.

I told Amieta that's her problem.

And of course, we've moved. Once Dr Toin tested into the pod, the corporation she and Silver started became much less a corporate shell to allow Dr Toin her independence and more of a going concern. Silver was trying to divide his time between the two, and then Amieta went to help, and there was so much travel ... and Camille, and the babies, and Charlie so busy, and running the production office ...

It wasn't a good time. For any of us.

So Silver suggested we should all be together again.

It wasn't an easy decision. Re-Aw has been ... home, for so long. Where I learned so much, and grew so much, too.

But I was so tired.

Time to let other people shoulder the responsibility.

For a while, at least.

So here I am, under grey skies again after three years in the Republic, puttering about when I feel like it and spending the day playing with the babies when I feel like that, too.

If only I could get Camille to like Dr Toin, things would be perfect.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 14.8.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 17:59:00 +0000

Nice to catch up with an old friend.

And such interesting things to talk about, too!

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 4.8.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sat, 04 Aug 2012 03:01:00 +0000

Camille is in recovery. Still under sedation, but Dr Sanik seems ... I would say optimistic but that's far too subjective and emotional a word for Dr Sanik.

Dr Sanik seems confident. That there won't be any complications, or that, if there are, they won't be ones that can't be dealt with.

Cami will have to stay in medical for several days, while they make sure. Nerves have to re-knit, apparently. She'll be confined to bed, at least at first.

At least that limits the trouble she can get into.

Oh dear, what was she thinking? Jacky said.

I wish I had to wonder what she was thinking, too.

But I know exactly how her mind was working. She was thinking that there's no problem so serious that the application of ISK and the breaking of a few rules can't fix it.

And where did she learn that?

We can't lock her up permanently, Silver said last night when we were in the waiting room. Or until she's twenty one.

Ami said I think Silver is right. It isn't a long term solution.

And Silver. There may be other options. Some possibilities have occurred to me.

I could have slapped them both, right then. All these years trying to teach Camille that there are times when you just have to accept the way Fortune's coin falls and make the best of it, and they waltz into our lives and suddenly nothing is a real rule, nothing is an inescapable consequence, nothing is an impossibility.

With enough ISK and enough disregard for the law and for the rest of the Cluster.

I think, Silver, I said, that you've done quite enough.

He looked as if I had hit him.

Of course. I'm sorry, Cia. I encouraged her about piloting. I'm sorry. I should have realized she would try something. She's asked about it before, of course, but I should have ...

And he should have.

Whatever Ami says not being able to predict the future.

Or about having options available.

I know they both love Camille.

But I've been far too careless of the lessons their love has been teaching her.

Well, not any more.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 3.8.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Fri, 03 Aug 2012 11:07:00 +0000

Silver said Cia, something's happened.

No conversation that starts that way is going to be good.

It's Camille. She went to ...

She went and convinced ...

She had podder implants put in.

Which isn't possible. Not at her age. She's too young.

She is too young for it to be safe, Silver said. She found some ... some hack and no doubt put enough ISK in front of them, and they did it.

It's ... She's okay, right now. There is time.

She wouldn't ... she didn't want to listen to me. She thought I was lying, about it being dangerous.

Maybe you can talk to her. I'm ... maybe ... I have some ideas. Preliminary ideas, I can work on. If she refuses to have them taken out.

If she refuses to have them taken out?

She is eleven years old and she doesn't get to refuse anything.

We needed security to get her to Dr Sanik's OR and she screamed and fought the whole way. She'll be in surgery for a while longer, and then ... then they have to test to see if there's any damage, and what repairs they have to make.

And then she is grounded for the rest of her life.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 31.7.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 12:58:00 +0000

Camille's been stomping around with a face like thunder and a lower lip you could shelter from the rain under ...

I asked her what was wrong and she said Nothing! And I'm not telling you! And you don't care, anyway!

Fortune help me, I think she might be approaching ... puberty.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 21.7.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 16:31:00 +0000

It seems like Silver and Dr Toin had quite a nice time in Debreth.

Silver called me while they were down there to ask if could recommend somewhere Dr Toin might be able to buy some clothes, and she's certainly been looking much better since she came back, no more of those dreary standard issue things.

And a lovely pair of earrings that Ami says Silver bought for her.

Things are definitely looking up!

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 9.7.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 11:12:00 +0000

Silver has taken Dr Toin to visit Debreth.

Of course, the house is theirs to use for as long as they want. I've let Mathilde and Pierre know ... I suggested they might stock the chiller and the pantry and take some time to visit their grandchildren.

Debreth is beautiful, this time of year. I can't think of a place better to go to rest, especially for a new pilot who ... has had some trouble.

But ... it is rather full of people with the kind of accents Dr Toin finds ...

Unsettling.

So it might be as well, if the house is ... just her and Silver.

And hopefully, they might want the privacy, too!

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 7.7.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 04:25:00 +0000

He's all right.

It wasn't until I saw the connection indicators flicker to amber on both pods, until I saw the techs helping Silver get cleaned up, that I realized just how scared I'd been.

Let myself realize, I suppose.

And she's all right, which is part of Silver being all right, I suppose.

I was a bit worried, he admitted later.

I asked him what it was like and he said Terrifying.

But when I said it was lucky for Dr Toin she'd had someone who didn't give up on her ...

I could hardly give up. We're business partners, after all.

For a minute I wanted to shake him until his teeth rattled.

Then I remembered his face when he said she isn't waking up.

Silver isn't fooling anyone with this business partner carry-on.

I suspect he's not even fooling himself, anymore.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 6.7.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 11:49:00 +0000

When I saw his face ...

Dr Toin ... there was a problem.

I can't believe I ... I can't believe I joked about it, him and her, and made it a silly match-making game. Made fun of them behind their backs, of how formal they are with each other.

She isn't waking up.

How careful they are with each other, is what I didn't see.

And Silver, standing there, telling me I'm going to retrieve her as if pod-linking to a damaged consciousness is as simple and safe a matter as popping down to Production One for a load of trit.

No, that isn't true.

As if it could be as deadly as an unshielded walk on the sunside of the station, but he'd still have no choice but to go.

He wants me here. Watching the monitors. Someone I can trust.

Despite everything.

If there was something I could do, I would do it. Anything.

But there isn't, except watch and wait.

And pray.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 4.7.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Wed, 04 Jul 2012 11:52:00 +0000

I thought you were the nanny.

Oh, I'm just sure she did.

Pute.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 3.7.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Tue, 03 Jul 2012 02:48:00 +0000

It's so nice to have some time to myself again ... I shouldn't feel guilty about that, I suppose, but I do, a little. But ... I mean, I always managed to make time for the twins, and my family, and my pilots, and do my work, and everything.

But it's nice now to be able to do what's expected of me and still have a little time each day to just be me.

It's almost like catching up with an old friend. Oh, that's right, that's what you're like.

That's who you are.

I shouldn't feel so guilty about it.

I'll try not to.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 14.1.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:00:00 +0000

I can't believe he didn't tell me!

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 12.1.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 06:46:00 +0000

The moment they put him in my arms I knew.

Nicolas.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 10.1.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 09:25:00 +0000

Here we go.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 9.1.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 09:23:00 +0000

Well, we're all here, and everything is ready, in plenty of time.

Now there's just waiting.

So different to last time ...

I think Ami went down to have a word with the parieurs at Fortune of Water to make sure that would be different too.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 5.1.114

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 07:13:00 +0000

They're on their way back.

And not a moment too soon, according to Dr Gephi.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 29.12.113

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 07:03:00 +0000

It seems Dr Toin was in quite a spot of bother, but Silver managed to get her out of it.

Apparently she's all right.

I hope Silver is.

I have the feeling I'll have to wait to talk to him in person to know, though.

Being Silver.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 25.12.113

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 19:00:00 +0000

Silver and Ami took off in an awful hurry today. Something to do with Dr Toin.

I hope she's all right, of course.

And that they get back before it's time for me to go to Debreth.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 23.12.113

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 06:48:00 +0000

I'd like to pick a name from Charlie's side of the family.

Perhaps Marc, after his father, if I have a boy. Or Nicolas, after his mother's father. Or Nicolette, I suppose.

Nothing feels right, though. I think this time, watching Jan and Madlen crawling around, seeing them already showing signs of the little people they're going to be, I have a much stronger feeling that the little flutters and bumps inside me are a whole other person waiting to come out and be met.

And just slapping a name on without even looking feels ...

Well, wrong.

Computer, save secure file. End recording.

NEOCOM SYSTEMS FILE: Passive Monitoring, Security: Roth Residence 20.12.113

noreply@blogger.com (Ciarente Roth) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:40:00 +0000

[NEOCOM SYSTEMS FILE: Security Recording 16:44 20.12.113 (GULFONODI X - MOON 15 - REPUBLIC FLEET TESTING FACILITIES LOCAL TIME)]

[LOCATION: ROTH RESIDENCE, ROTH MAIN HANGAR GULFONODI X - MOON 15 - REPUBLIC FLEET TESTING FACILITIES]

[SPEAKER: PILOT CIARENTE ROTH]

[SPEAKER: LIEUTENANT CHARLES ETAY]

CHARLES ETAY: Cherie? You're home early.

CIARENTE ROTH: So are you.

CHARLES ETAY: I took a personal day. Etes tu bien?

CIARENTE ROTH: I'm fine.

CHARLES ETAY: You don't sound -

CIARENTE ROTH: Some virus, that's all. Cami brought it home from school.

CHARLES ETAY: Have you seen the doctor?

CIARENTE ROTH: Yes, I've seen the doctor, Charlie, and it's a virus, and I'll be better tomorrow or the day after.

CHARLES ETAY: Do you want some tea?

CIARENTE ROTH: I can make it myself.

CHARLES ETAY: Cherie.

CIARENTE ROTH: If I feel like tea, Charlie, I can make it myself. Thank you.

CHARLES ETAY: Cia. I know you're still angry because I wasn't here. But I'm here now. Let me make you some tea.

CIARENTE ROTH: I don't want tea.

CHARLES ETAY: Juice?

CIARENTE ROTH: All right. Juice.

CHARLES ETAY: D'accord.

CIARENTE ROTH: Are you - will you be coming to Debreth? It'll be time soon.

CHARLES ETAY: Do you want me there?

CIARENTE ROTH: Of course I want you there!

CHARLES ETAY: Then, oui, I'll be there.

CIARENTE ROTH: You can get time off work?

CHARLES ETAY: I put in for leave months ago.

CIARENTE ROTH: Oh. Okay.

CHARLES ETAY: Here you are.

CIARENTE ROTH: Thank you.

CHARLES ETAY: You're welcome, cherie.

CIARENTE ROTH: I'm sorry I was so angry.

CHARLES ETAY: I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me. I'll be here more, I promise.

CIARENTE ROTH: I know you can't promise. With your work. I just wish -

CHARLES ETAY: Cherie?

CIARENTE ROTH: I wish I was sure that when you weren't here, you wanted to be.

CHARLES ETAY: I always want to be here, with you, with Jan and Madi.

CIARENTE ROTH: We did rush things, didn't we? And you - you gave up a lot. I understand if you're not - if you're thinking about things.

CHARLES ETAY: Cia, all I'm thinking about is how much I love you, and how much I love the twins, and how much we'll love the new baby.

CIARENTE ROTH: When I hear you say that, I - it seems true.

CHARLES ETAY: C'est vrai, cherie.

CIARENTE ROTH: But when you're not here, Charlie ... it's hard to remember that.

CHARLES ETAY: I'll try to be here more.

CIARENTE ROTH: Okay. That would be good.

CHARLES ETAY: Okay.

[RECORDING TERMINATED]

[ASSESSMENT: NO RELEVANT CONTENT, MARKED FOR DELETION]