A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmasand Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

HIDE HIM DURING A WAR

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”

“But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.”

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!”

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!”

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!”

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD.”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord.. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : ‘Do you have color TV ?’

Salesgirl : ‘Yes !’

Ah Beng : ‘Give me a green one, please ‘

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job. He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.

Then he comes to column on ‘Salary Expected’, but he is not sure of the question.

After much thought, he writes ‘ Yes ‘

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Beng : ‘What is that shiny object ?’

Salesgirl : ‘That is a thermos flask.’

Ah Beng : ‘What does it do ?’

Salesgirl : ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold’

Ah Beng : ‘I’ll buy it’

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

Boss : ‘What is that shiny object ?’

Ah Beng : ‘It’s a thermos flask.’

Boss : ‘What does it do ?’

Ah Beng : ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold’

Boss : ‘What do you have in it !?’

Ah Beng : ‘Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream’

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

Why can’t Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can’t find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the ‘Help’ command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : ‘I press the ‘F1′ key for help lah, but it’s been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!’

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, ‘I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah – but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah’

‘Oh dear !’ the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
‘But, what happened to the other ear ?’

Ah Beng answered : ‘That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!’

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

Ah Beng: ‘COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?’

Operator: ‘JUST A MINUTE…’

Ah Beng : ‘THANK YOU lah’ AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he’d been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

‘It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT’, Ah Beng brags.

‘FIVE MONTHS ? THAT’S TOO LONG’, the friend exclaims.

‘YOU ARE A FOOL.’ Ah Beng replies, ‘SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS’.

At a bar in New York , the man to Ah Beng’s left tells the bartender,
‘JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE’

and his companion says, ‘JACK DANIELS, SINGLE’.

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, ‘AND YOU, SIR ?’

Ah Beng replies : ‘Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah’

Location: Kek Lok Si Temple, Air Itam
Contact: 04-8283317
Organizer: Kek Lok Si Temple

Schedule:
Feb 7th – 7pm – Opening Ceremony
Feb 8th to Feb 12th – temple open to public 8.30am to 5.30pm only
Feb 13th to Feb 15th – temple will be light up from 7pm to 7am
Feb 16th to Feb 28th – temple will be light up from 7pm to midnight
Feb 29th to March 13th – temple will be light up from 7pm to 10pm

Voted as no. 4 “Must visit places in Penang” by VisitPenang website readers, this 119 years old Temple of Supreme Bliss is the focal point of Chinese New Year fesival for the Chinese community in Penang.

During the Chinese New Year celebration, thousands of devotees turned up for the annual lighting ceremony at Kek Lok Si Temple in Air Itam.
Starting from Chinese New Year, Kek Lok Si Temple will be light up every night at 7pm until midnight to symbolize peace, luck and prosperity.

Approximately 230,000 light bulbs and 10,000 lanterns light up the temple every night for 33 days in conjunction with Chinese New Year. Making this 120 year old temple one of Asia’s most beautiful temple.

The Kek Lok Si Temple (Penang Hokkien for “Temple of Supreme Bliss”) is a Buddhist temple situated in Air Itam in Penang and is one of the best known temples on the island.

The temple is a focal point of festivals of the Chinese community in Penang. The Chinese New Year celebrations are particularly impressive: for 33 days following Chinese New Year, the temple remains open until late at night whilst thousands of lights turn the scenery into a sea of light.

Ellen teaches students to drive
Uploaded by V-S-K. – Click for more funny videos.

For those celebrating Valentine’s Day tomorrow, have a treat with three of Super Street Fighter IV’s femme fatale, Juri, Chun Li and Cammy in glorious 3D inked animation.

Thaipusam Penang

Organizer: Penang Hindu Endowments Board
Contact: 04-6505136
Venue: Murugan Temple, Waterfall

This Hindu festival is usually celebrated in January or February, during the full moon of the 10th month in the Hindu calendar.

A pilgrimage procession takes place to bring the statue of Lord Muruga, who represents virtue, youth and power, on a silver chariot led by more then 60 Kavadis adorned with peacock feathers from Little India to the Nattukottai Chettiar Temple atop the hill of Waterfall Road.

On the day before (29th Jan 2010), old coconuts are smashed along the roads where the Chariot procession will pass for its spiritual journey.

During Thaipusam in Penang (30th Jan 2010), devotees go through a physical endurance of being skewered and pierced on the back and front of their bodies by hooks with miniature urns as an act of penance.

Majority of the devotees who go through this act are Indians but Chinese, Sikh and other visitors can also be seen taking part in this act of faith which leaves many devotees and observers alike, spiritually transformed.

In celebration, more than 100 beautifully-decorated make-shift stalls, are erected along Waterfall Road road where charitable Chinese and Indian families give out bottled water, fruits, sweet, buns and prepared sweetened and sour rice to devotees. Thunderous loud music, singing, dancing and the beating of drums of devotional songs by their supporters can be seen and heard far and wide throughout the entire vicinity of the festival.

Upon reaching the temple, devotees will fulfill their vows, offer thanksgiving prayers and penance to Lord Muruga. The chariot is then scheduled for a return trip to start from the temple (31st Jan 2010) on the same evening and reach Kovil Veedu before dawn the following day.

This festival of rich culture and deep tradition is an ‘out of this world’ experience which draws a massive crowd of tens of thousands to these streets in Penang yearly.

Queen Mary 2

Location: Swettenham Pier, Geroge Town, Penang

The luxury ocean liner, Queen Mary 2, will be docking Penang Swettenham Pier International Cruise Terminal on the 4th February 2010.

Queen Mary 2 is named “Best Luxury Cruise Ship” for the sixth consercutive year by the readers of Travel Weekly.

This grand ocean liner and it’s 6,500 including the crew will be arriving from Phuket. It has 15 restaurants and bars, 5 swimming pools, a casino, a ball-room, a theatre and a planetarium.

More than 3,000 passengers are expected to land on Penang shore and enjoy their day tour here in the heritage town.

We invite all Penangites to come together to show the guests the Penang hospitality and give them a warm welcome. If you are a cruise ship fan, don’t miss this opportunity to see what made this cruise so famous.