SPORTS ACRONYM OF THE WEEK AROD
“A. REALLY. OVERRATED. DOPER.”

NBA Do you think the gay population is happy Jason Collins is the first team sport athlete to come out, or would they have preferred someone who ahem, isn’t completely awful at his trade? I think there are about 350 players in the Association who could carry that torch a little prouder than a fat assed layup blowing 12th man off the bench. In fact didn’t we all sort of prophesize this watershed moment when we watched him play and yelled “I think he blows.”

The Lakers were dusted in 4 games, and its now time to assess their future. Kobe will be coming off a major injury, and Dwight Howard has to be leaning towards leaving town. The rest of the roster looks like it has been carpet bombed by a B - 52. Steve Nash can barely drive by my wife, Gasol has a quarter of a tank of ethanol remaining and the rest of the cast makes me wonder if Mitch Kupchak swapped D league rosters with the Maine Red Claws. Can’t say I mind, I detest the Lakers, I will enjoy watching them get trounced for years to come. Tanking it won’t be easy either, not as long as the ultra competitive Kobe is on the team.

Does anyone out there like Blake Griffin’s game? He is the ultimate regular season player, out running his man for easy dunks, hitting short turnaround shots when being guarded by someone who doesn’t want to get physical. But the playoffs are more about half-court sets, and easy baskets are at a minimum. In this series Blake looks like the guy at the Y who you choose last and then move heaven and earth to make sure he plays on the wing and gets limited touches. Here’s an absurd theory. It seems as though the smoothness of a big man’s game is often matched (or in Blake’s case not matched) by the smoothness of his skin. Here are five awkward gangly NBA players who also happen to have skin that could double as a burlap sack. Duncan, Blake, Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol and Dirk. Compare those facial ruts with the countenances of fluid players such as Carmelo, LaMarcus Aldridge, Kevin Love, Chris Bosh and David West. The Clippers are done unless Blake gets on the Proactiv program in the next two hours.

NFL Nice job on all those mock drafts you ESPN dunces. Hours spent coming up with these futile lists, only to have them blown up in the 18th minute of the draft, could be more well spent applying axle grease to Mel Kiper’s head, implanting a personality into John Gruden or getting Ron Jaworski’s overbite retracted using steel wires and a monkey wrench.

Tim Tebow is a free agent, having been given his release by the New York Jets on April 29th, 2013. I’d still like to see some team give this guy a shot, similar to what he got in Denver. I have seen too many QB’s suck down the stretch of games. Tebow has something a lot of these guys don’t, an ability to get things done when it matters most. The Jets gave him 77 snaps, which is akin to telling a hooker to get in your car for the sole purpose of having her hold the wheel while you drive down the road pleasuring yourself.

The Jets have to be the most poorly run franchise this side of Jack in the Box. Now they have five stiff quarterbacks on their roster. There are so many Q’s printed on the roster, Rex is going to confuse the sheet of paper with a Dairy Queen menu and order up a pallet of Frosties. Think of the time that will be wasted giving all these QB guys snaps in camp. Most teams have three QB’s , and it’s considered a waste of the team’s time splitting snaps with a noodle armed 3rd string sub. To prepare for the onslaught of QB’s, the Jets have ordered up an extra 400 footballs and large marine nets to keep all those errant tosses from going out into the street.

NEWS The feel good story of the week was Chad Johnson taking a homeless guy out and bankrolling him for the day. This obviously puts him in the news, in the hopes of course that some team gives him a shot. Cuz teams are always scouring the police logs looking for washed up wife beaters who spend their spare time sleeping in cardboard boxes with winos and heroin addled gypsies. If Chad wants to get in the news with a feel good story, how about getting a little more current and try spooning Jason Collins at a seedy Motel 6?

IDIOTS This week’s biggest idiot goes to the imbeciles who bombed the marathon. Obviously bombing anything qualifies you as an idiot, but take a close look at what these morons did. They exploded not one, but two bombs and killed a grand total of three people. That’s akin to diving on top of an orgy and crawling out the bottom sucking your thumb. More people die from running marathons than the total number these mulyaks took out with their pressure cookers. You know you’re dealing with numbskulls when the trail of bomb residue leads you to the accessory aisle at Kitchen Etc. I was watching this unfold and actually thought to myself, these clowns are making me hungry. What other weapons did these two have in store? Possibly a Crock Pot Cannon and a Wok powered Uzi? Get down! He’s got a muffin tray and he’s headed right for us! I can envision these simpletons returning to headquarters after another botched attempt. How did the mission go guys? “I burn 3 women with waffle iron. Slap woman in face with spatula and shove man’s nipples into Nutra Bullet. Take break for lunch, then have brother stick small boy in privates with Tritan Spork.”

1 K.C. A boring draft kicks off with the choice of behemoth OL Luke Joeckel. The draft room suddenly smells like deer antler juice.
2 Jacksonville Who cares. Maybe a punter , since the one they have is one of the leagues most overworked players.
3 Oakland Oakland kicks off the post Al Davis era by choosing DT Shariff Floyd
Shariff promptly tweets “!!@#$# damn”
4 Philadelphia Eagles protect the dog killer with OT Lane Johnson.
5 Detroit The Lions take DE Ezekial Ansah, who will get to the QB, but unlike Ndamukong Suh, doesn’t follow up the sack with a kick to the quarterback’s nuts.
6 Cleveland The Browns take OLB Dion Jordan. Jordan retweets Shariff Floyd’s tweet .
7 Arizona The Cards take Alabama OT Luke Warmack. Most of the country is now asleep.
8 Bills puke all over themselves and choose QB Ryan Nassib. Hall of Famer Jim Kelly drives off the road and dies in a burning wreck.
9 Jets choose LB Barkevious Mingo. Rex Ryan excuses himself so he can go clean himself up in the men’s room.
10 Titans The Tits choose CB Dee Milliner. Milliner asks the commissioner if he can get a mulligan.
11 Chargers choose OG Jonathan Cooper. Most mock draft experts are now 2 for 12 and being handed pink slips.
12 Dolphins choose OT DJ Fluker to protect Ryan Tannehill, thereby giving Tannehill more time to survey the field and realize he has no targets to speak of.
13 Jets wet themselves upon realizing they can pick again, and muff the pick, choosing Tavon Austin, a speedster who will run down the field, then futilely try to run back up to the field to catch a wobbly skeet hurled out of Sanchez’s hand.
14 Panthers Safety Kenny Vaccaro from Texas will be drafted to shore up a sucky secondary. He will fail.
15 Saints will choose OLB Jarvis Jones. Jarvis will hold out of camp until he is compensated as the other members of the defense, with salary plus bounty money.
16 Rams, Given the Rams have chance in the division for the next decade, they choose not a person but rather an object: obtaining the rights to the Notre Dame video tower that failed to stay upright in the 2011 Indiana windstorm. The Rams promptly invite Jim Harbaugh to come as a guest and watch one of their practices.
17 Steelers choose ND TE Tyler Eifert.
18 Cowboys choose DT Sheldon Richardson hoping he is the next stud D lineman out of Missouri. He is not even close.
19 Giants replace Osi with Bjorn Werner despite no history of Swedes or German born Bjorns ever doing anything well in the NFL other than cheering.
20 Da Bears replace their LB departures with LB Alec Ogletree.
21 Cincinnati Bengals, fresh off another offensive playoff disaster, shore up the O with RB Eddie Lacy.
22 Rams use their second selection to choose FS Eric Reid.
23 Vikings choose WR Justin Hunter to replace Percy Harvin. Akin to puking all over oneself.
24 Colts with a suckass D in place the horse shoes go corner back and take Xavier Rhodes from Florida State. Don’t let the “Rhodes” part fool you, this kid skipped class about 85 percent of the time, which at Florida State counts as perfect attendance.
25 Vikings choose former internet hoax sucker Mante Te’o. Te’o receives the call that he’s been drafted, and promptly hangs up saying, “I ain’t falling for this stuff again.”
26 Green Bay chooses Safety Matt Elam.
27 Texans choose WR DeAndre Hopkins.
28 Broncos choose CB Desmond Trufant as its rumored he can follow simple instructions such as “do not let anyone behind you!!”
29 Patriots choose Datone Jones of UCLA.
30 Falcons reach big time and take DJ Hayden, fresh off chest surgery.
31 SF takes SS Jonathan Cyprien due to his strong play and more importantly his views on gay marriage.
32 Ravens bring round one to a screeching halt, replacing LB corp departures with Kevin Minter.

Chad Ocho Sinko promised to change his name back to Chad Johnson if cornerback Darrelle Revis out played him last Sunday night in the NFL final regular season game. Game set match. Chad took the pipe in the contest, in fact he was so bad he should consider changing his name to Mrs. Revis. I’ll admit that Ocho has been fairly entertaining during his career, but this Twitter thing is out of control. He twitters so much, I seriously wonder if he leaves time to shower and spit shine his teeth. I understand he wants to be entertaining, but at what point do you lose focus on the game itself? Bengals should bow out quietly this week.

Dan Snyder hired Mike Shanahan yesterday to be the new head coach of the Washington Redskins. This is Dan’s 7th hire in 10 years. The NFL’s Rooney Rule requires every team to interview at least one black candidate for a head coaching job. What someone needs to tell Snyder is you don’t have to apply the rule every year. Snyder says he believes Mike is a good fit, which more or less means that Snyder’s foot fits perfectly up Shanahan’s ass.

I’m a little tired of hearing the following statement this past week after learning Patriots wideout Wes Welker is out for the season. “The Patriots should have done what the Colts did and took their starters out in a meaningless game.” The Colts pulled their starters late in the 3rd quarter of week 16. If the Patriots did what the Colts did, Wes Welker would have hopped up from his knee injury, and hobbled around the field for 2 more quarters until Bill Belichick walked out and put him out of his misery with a rifle shot to the heart.

Bill Belichick seems to think the poor field conditions were what led to Welker’s injury and publicly blasted Houston after the game. Strange, coming from a guy who routinely waters down certain areas of his home field to make life tough on opponents. A familiar sight an hour before home game kickoffs is Bill urinating all over the field with a trail of empty Flomax boxes scattered behind him. Gillette Stadium doesn’t exactly have a flawless track record either. Remember the game at Gillette after the field was used for the MLS title game? Place looked like it was carpet bombed by a squadron of B52’s.
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One thing the Patriots did not do in their final game is play fantasy football and go for all sorts of goofy team records like the Colts did last Sunday. Tight end Dallas Clark caught his 100th pass of the season, it was a seven yard loss but who cares about playing the right way, let’s get in the records books. I’m surprised Dallas didn’t run the pass backwards into his own end zone so he could join Jim Marshall in the pantheon of NFL’s biggest dumbasses. He could have followed that up by pile driving the football into his own rectum, snapping a photo of it, Twittering it over to Ocho and waiting to see how the gold plaqued simpleton responded to that celebration later in the day. Then Dallas could have walked off the field and murdered his coach; an NFL first that even O.J. never touched.

The Colts were far from done by the way. Peyton glanced at the chalkboard, saw another meaningless milestone hen scratched on the board by Jim Caldwell, then proceeded to hitch up his panties and throw a bunch of one yard hitches to Reggie Wayne so Reggie could tell his grandkids he caught 100 passes in 2 seasons. Yippee. How did the Colts even know these records were available that day? Was Peyton in the huddle saying, “Toss right 67 slot. Let’s get this ball to Pierre so he can become the 89th receiver in Colts history to catch a pass in January from a crew-cutted redneck with a total of three n’s in his first and last names. On four.” Right after that play Peyton three a pick, securing a victory for the Bills and a win for Peyton in his Yahoo Survivor pool. Then the Colts set another record by becoming the gayest team in NFL history, barely edging the 2006 Colts. Then they hit the showers whereupon they set a record for the warmest water temperature ever in a locker room, the most baby powder ever applied by a group of athletes, and the most loving, heart felt post game speech ever.

Jerry Jones and the Cowboys are once again folding their tents in December. One thing Jerry forgot to install when he built his plush new stadium is an area where his players can vomit during the match.

An ad came on during last week’s Patriots game for some new drug, and as always the ad informed us of all the potential side effects. However this drug’s side effects made Schindler’s List look like a leaflet. Since when is sudden death a side effect? According to this ad, the drug will cause you to not only have headaches, nausea, chest pains, foot aches, diarrhea, tuberculosis, VD, mumps and shingles, it also causes you to go on killing sprees, commit adultery, road rage, cruelty to animals, and turn up buck naked in a dumpster at 2AM. It can lead to divorce, tardiness at work, global warming, your underwear band snapping and your toilet over flowing during a cocktail party. You may experience bleeding of the anus, rupture of the colon, bankruptcy, if you’re really unlucky it may result in a sudden desire to have carnal relations with barn animals.

Quick Celtics question; how long is this team, which is one of the best in the NBA, going to hang on to players like Brian Scalabrine? Seeing him on the court is akin to going to a five star restaurant and seeing Pop Tarts on the dessert menu. I remember back in the 80’s during the Bird Mchale era, the Celtics had quite a few good stiffs on the bench. Not bad ones, good ones. You rarely see any out there anymore, which is fine, but every once in while Doc Rivers shoves Scal onto the court. What’s even worse is the other coach counters that move by shoving his white guy out there and shouting, “Checkmate.”

The winter baseball meetings are going well for a few teams. I’ve never attended the meetings, but after scouring over the early deals, I’m left to wonder if the Red Sox, Yankees, Phillies, Angels and Mariners are the only teams who showed up. Maybe they have one big table where all the good teams sit, and then the Royals and Pirates and all the other suckbags go down into the hotel basement, sit at a small children’s table and trade Topps cards. Occasionally Hank Steinbrenner has to go down there and yell, “Quiet down in here, we’re making deals upstairs, many of them involving your players! I’ll let you know who we fleece from your ranks after we finish dinner. No one cares about Mike Gonzalez, just release him and pipe down already. And finish your Happy Meals, my revenue sharing paid for those things.”
MLB is a joke; and that joke’s punch line gets longer and longer every year. Ok, so every team could use a good centerfielder, but the Yankees, already the best team in the league, go out and get the best one available? The Red Sox have the best starting staff, so they of course go out and obtain the top free agent starter. MLB should consider changing the division names from East, West, and Central to Top Flight, Second Tier, Section 8, and Life Support. When the Yankees win a title, aside from handing out winner’s shares to the clubhouse guys, they should consider handing out cash to all the other teams who help stockpile their lineup. The other teams at these winter meetings must feel like they’re playing Risk and they’re down to their last plastic army guy. They make moves that don’t even require their teams’ attendance at the meetings. Why fly out to Indianapolis for the purpose of saying, “Ok Hank, you done? Granderson huh? Not bad, not bad, we thought about doing something there, but Curtis is going to be 64 in about 30 years so we decided to stick with our guy. Good ol’ what’s his name, I have it somewhere here. Irish kid. Anyway, our move? Good. Where are you going Hank, I sat through your moves. First off, we’re going to slide a few of our triple A guys down to Single A, they’ll all be notified by mail, most likely bulk rate. We’d like to release our second and third basemen to free up some lunch money, we’re also going to option our lefty reliever, and then we’re going to use that extra capital to tender our backup bullpen catcher a one year deal for 150 grand. Next year what do you guys say we hold these meetings at my house?”

The latest rumor is that Tiger impregnated a female golf reporter over in England. I can imagine what that voicemail sounded like before the ##@! hit the fan and Elin discovered his secret life. “Hi, it’s Tiger, my wife might be calling you. You have to change the name of the baby, it’s too obvious. Tiger Cub is going to blow the lid on the whole thing, do me this huge one please. No, I think Tigress is not going to work either, and Tigerling is pretty much the same thing. How about Lefty, that’s a nice name, or Jesper, yeah that’s good, let’s go with Jesper. Okay, gotta run, Elin is coming up the stairs with another golfing tip.”

The latest police report on the “car accident” states that Tiger’s wife informed police Tiger had consumed alcohol, and was also on Vicodin; no doubt to eliminate the pain from the golf clubbing. The cops cited him for careless driving. Are you %$$ kidding me? Careless? I drive carelessly every time I get behind the wheel, yet somehow I don’t leave a swath of destruction behind me. What would the cops have cited him for if he killed someone, not using his turn signal? Driving with the radio too loud? Look at his entire evening, and tell me where careless fits it. His wife assaults him with a deadly weapon, so the sex craving clown inhales a vial of pills, sucks down a vat of Chivas, and then proceeds to careen around the neighborhood plowing into a utility device and a tree; at which point the cast of Reno 911 shows up, finds the idiot passed out face down on the pavement, and says, “That’s gonna cost you fifteen dollars Mr. Woods. You can pay that when you come to. Very careless.”

Can you imagine what would have happened if you or I pulled off a stunt like that? The cops would have arrived, awoken us with a flurry of kicks, jammed a bag of coke up our rectum and then exclaimed, “Well looky here boys, we got ourselves a dope peddler.” Meanwhile our club wielding wife would have been subdued with a taser gun, knocked to her knees with a blackjack to the skull, and left lying naked on the front porch while vultures pecked at her cerebellum. Careless woman!

I feel bad for Tiger’s wife, but I also feel bad for the golf writers who have to follow this guy on tour. When Tiger gets in front of the mike after his next tournament, and says “I got lower on the shaft and tried to get the ball to spin and dip like I did in Tulsa last year,” the writers are going to be jotting down and wondering, “Is he talking about the golf match or are we still on that other thing?”

The other shoe will drop when Tiger starts losing sponsorship deals. So far no company has dropped him, but who wants to buy a car whose spokesman is a skirt chaser? Maybe they could change the the promo so instead of Tiger driving a Buick down some ocean view drive, the ad depicts the ability of the car to accelerate away from a deranged broad running down the road waving a frying pan. Tiger could then wink at the camera as he pulls a pair of panties out of his glove compartment. Doubt it, but it’s worth a try. Tiger is also the face of many video golfing games. He may lose those contracts, but maybe his face will pop up on the next version of Grand Theft Auto. Lots of sex and rape in that game. If Tiger does lose any major deals, look for other companies to step in and fill the void. For example, Band Aids is a good fit right now, as is Giant Glass Windshield Replacement, Geico Car Insurance, and AstroLube.

The Pats rebounded from that devastating loss to the Colts by hammering the Jets at Gillette Stadium.  Rex Ryan was contrite after the game, and praised the Pats for outplaying his squad.  Then he retreated to the locker room so he could whittle a coffin for his team.

Now that the Titans are on a roll, fools are again starting to believe that Vince Young is for real.  Are you kidding?  Who have the Titans played?  No one. And while they have won four straight, Young has tossed the rock for an average of about 115 yards a game.  Young makes the forward pass look like a scientific experiment. The Titans PR team has gone out of their way to dress up Vince’s numbers so fans won’t understand how mediocre he is.  On Monday night for example Vince led his team to a 20-17 victory.  He completed two laterals, four pitches, 23 handoffs, and caught 17 shotgun formation snaps.  Vince successfully broke 72 huddles and created numerous playing opportunities for his punt team. In the passing department, Vince threw for over 340 feet, including four tight spirals, six wounded ducks, and seventeen wobbly-assed chuck heaves.

The Steelers choked on the pipe last Sunday, falling in overtime to the suckbag Chiefs.  Big Ben took a blow to the head, and appeared to be bereft of his senses on the sideline. Ben doesn’t look like a Rhodes Scholar when in control of his faculties, so no sane team doctor was going to make the decision to insert the addled fool back into the contest, especially considering he was on the sideline pouring smelling salts on a bucket of French fries. Ben’s injury left the game in the unsteady hands of Charlie Batch. Yes, Charlie friggin Batch. Then Batch got hurt avoiding the rush so he could hurl an incomplete pass into the stands (to his credit, the fan was wearing a Steeler jersey), leaving the Steelers completely undermanned at QB.

Big Ben said he’s going to play this week, and that the blow to his vagina was no big deal.  When informed that the blow occurred to the skull region, Ben said he wasn’t able to obtain the license plate on the flying saucer, but his attorney was looking into whether or not he was abducted and subsequently raped by aliens.   When asked what day it was, Ben replied, “It’s the sixth Sunday in ordinary time.”  Then he rubbed Vagisil on his privates and headed onto the practice field. If I were the Ravens, I’d send 11 men at Ben, twist him silly; then have a field day with whatever dolt the Steelers have at 3rd string.

How about those fantastic Thanksgiving Day NFL games? Would it be too much to ask for the Detroit Lions to step aside next year on Thanksgiving so the rest of the country can hold their food down? People are literally stuffing their bellies with carbs, then ambling to the TV in the hopes of seeing some talent on display, only to discover that the Lions have actually out-eaten them and are now stumbling around in some sort of Tryptophan haze down on the field. The Lions did not win a game last year, yet they were actually a better team because that Lion squad at least knew it sucked. This pack of nitwits takes the field with an arrogance that borders on ignorance. I know Stafford is a rookie, but does he know that NFL corners can see where he is looking before he throws it? He threw one on Thursday that was so bad, I thought the corner was going to signal fair catch. There are bad interceptions where you see it and remark, “Oh, he should have thrown that one away.” But Stafford makes throws that make you wonder if he’s fixing games or playing under the influence of ether.

The Raiders didn’t exactly make dessert any easier to digest either. The Raiders are so bad, my dinner guests not only left early, they told me to go %$$ myself. The Raiders quarterback is a guy named Gradowski. No idea who he is or where they got him, but if he’s playing for Tom Cable he probably possesses the ability to take a punch to the face. The final game of the day was between the Giants and Broncos. The game was televised on NFL Network and had “refund” written all over it. The Giants flat out blew, and although you could credit the Broncos for showing up, try keep in mind they were home and therefore actually live there.

Something smells fishy on the women’s side of track and field. Caster Semenya, an 18 year old from South Africa, has been blowing away the field in recent sprinting events, but a sex test on the runner now reveals that she/he/it has both male and female characteristics. The other women in the field are requesting that Caster run with the men, but there are opponents of this idea, who state that Caster belongs in the female races. I have a third option….. kill it. I know you’re thinking hey, that’s murder, you can’t do that! But it’s not murder. If you take the life of something that is neither a man nor a woman, that falls under the category of hunting.

The 100 meter dash is a bit of a racial event anyway. Think about it, a white guy fires a gun and eight black men run for their lives in the opposite direction. Then they break through the yellow tape so it looks like they’re escaping the crime scene. Sometimes you see a guy grab his leg and stop running; the announcer says he pulled a hammy. Give me a break, that guy got shot.

I’d like to applaud Bud Adams for his behavior last Sunday in the Bills-Jaguars game.  Football that boring needs some entertainment, and Bud came through big time with his two handed bird flip to the opposing fans from up in his luxury box.  Bud has just earned the right to have his visage carved next to Al Davis on the Mt. Rushmore of Senile NFL owners.  Is Bud still driving a car? If so, it won’t be long before he is seen careening through a Tennessee marketplace in his vehicle with several mangled bodies strewn across the hood; Bud behind the wheel, both middle digits proudly exposed, wondering why his brakes aren’t working.

Gotta give Bud credit, he looked like he was having a grand ol’ time up there; it was as if he’d somehow discovered the fountain of youth. When I watched the video clip, my first assumption was they were shooting a remake of Cocoon in the owners’ box. Just curious, how many 86 year old men are going around these days with the name Bud?  He’s probably married to a broad named Kit, has two kids, Munch and Bolt, and a dog named Frank.   If the old coot had any chance of being a spokesman for the king of beers, he pretty much killed that deal on Sunday.   Poor Bills fans can’t feel to well after getting flipped off by a besotted octogenarian.  Haven’t Bills fans suffered enough with four Super Bowl losses and another losing season under the tutelage of now deposed coach Al Jauron, who strikes about as much fear into you as his evil twin Tim Kurkjian.

I watched Bud up there in the booth and a few questions came to mind.  Why the two handed middle finger gesture?  When flipping people off, most folks agree one is plenty. One middle finger tells the person he needs to bleep off. Two middle fingers screams, “Bleep off, but while you’re doing that, please get me some help.” It’s a classic case of less is more.  One middle finger has never failed me. Have you ever flipped someone off and had the cretin look back at you quizzically?    “Not sure what you mean by that padre, your right hand is telling me to go %$$ myself, but your left hand seems to be saying we’re cool.  Could you please be a little more specific?”

I was also a little confused as to why Bud would choose a game in which he won to exhibit that behavior.  Is the old man having trouble reading the scoreboard at his lofty age?  No Bud, you own the team in black, put your rocket back in your pants. Bud wound up getting fined 250K by the NFL.  He tried to weasel out of it by claiming he was simply telling the Bills fans that at their current pace, they would be drafting 11th.

Now that the dust has settled on the Pats-Indy game, and everyone in the country has chimed in with his lame opinion, let’s get one fact across; the zebras blew the call.  The NFL refs blow, and Sunday was another prime example of why we need full time refs and more challenges.  Three challenges is not enough, if I were coaching, I would ask for somewhere in the vicinity of four or five per minute.  I’d be holding so many red flags; it would be like I was pacing the sidelines clutching the AIDS quilt.  These refs are that bad.

Have you ever seen the look on the face of an 80 year old official after he returns from the replay camera?  It appears as if he is saying, “Where the hell was I when that happened?  And why am I wearing the outfit of a Footlocker salesman?”   The NFL doesn’t help itself by informing the fans that the refs are tin salesman and plumbers in the off season. Too much information.   I’m laying hard cash on a game, and you think I need to know that today’s official owns a septic tank cleaning company?  Got any photos to corroborate that?  Why don’t they throw these interesting facts out there on the players and coaches while they’re at it?  Announcer: “Backup QB Rich Calhoun is going into the game for the injured starter.  Rich sells cocaine in the off-season and works part time changing diapers at the Eastwood Nursing Home.  He’s also a part time gay waiter at Chili’s. He could be a star in this league according to his coach, who incidentally dresses up as the ass end of a donkey for children’s parties.”

I watched a bit of the British Open this past weekend, and came away feeling as though I was as old as Tom Watson.  Is this guy boring or what?  If he were any more boring, he would be a plant.  I was pulling for him, as a 59 year old winning a Major further solidifies my opinion golf is not a sport, but at times I wanted to reach through my screen and slap the old  coot.  Show some emotion, whip a club, swear, pull your pants down and moon the gallery!   At his age, whose gonna care anyway?   The PGA would just chalk it up to senility.

In the end, it appeared Watson had it, but that final putt was a disaster.  He tapped it like he was playing mini golf and there was a windmill in the way.  I think golf chokes are the best, cuz you are out there all alone, the whole world watching, and the only hole you could possibly crawl into is too small for even your trembling hand to fit inside.  If I were running this sham of a game, a nice tradition in these moments would be the previous tourney’s  choke artist to walk out and offer this years chokehard a loaded pistol and a vial of pills.  I’m sure Watson would have waved him off in typical boring fashion, instead of wowing the gallery with an exploding head and brain shrapnel all over the green,   but it would have been a nice touch.

If you’ve watched Coach K recently, its plain to see the man has given up.   Nobody knows their team better than the coach; formerly he’d be up ranting and raving at officials, begging for every call, phoning in death threats and creating more sideline havoc than anyone East of Bobby Knight.  That, and the rich pompous jackass student body,  were some  of the reasons this team was so hatable.  I hardly find it a coincidence that the first syllable in Duke is the same as the first syllable in Douche Bag.   But after last nights debacle against Villanova, I’m actually starting to feel bad for them.  Coach K sits on the sideline watching the game like he’s undergoing Chinese water torture treatments, a method by the way, that is only slightly less aggravating than watching a Duke center play under the hoop.  This year’s center, some clump by the name of Doubek, looked like a cross between Hank Finkel and that giant from the movie Giant.  The guy had his arms in the air the entire game.  I wasn’t sure if he was playing defense or surrendering.  Based on the score I’ll go with the latter.   Villanova rubbed it in a bit by waiting until there five minutes left in the game and then deciding to release some moisture from their sweat glands.   Poor Coach K built this school to be a powerhouse, today they can barely run with the mid majors.  This year’s squad featured more white players than an Italian League team.  You know you’re in trouble when you take the court with guys named Jon, Greg and Olek. I was in the kitchen making a sandwich when i heard the announcer mention Olek.  My wife turned to me and asked if I was watching an infomercial on vacuums.  I said no but when you get right down to it both of them suck.   Also a memo to coach K, if you’re going to draft a Jon, make sure there’s an h in there.  Inner city kids names Jon are non existent, if you find one, you really haven’t, he’s just a bad speler.   Either Coach K has lost the recruiting touch, or like most people his age, he’s afraid to venture into the city after suppertime.   Where does Duke recruit to come up with this roster?  I can just picture Jim Calhoun, Bill Self and Billy Donovan rushing to the airport so they can meet with some inner city phenom; meanwhile Coach K is taking a first class flight to Des Moines so he can land a 7 foot three inch chemisty wizard.   Good riddance boys, see you next season where i’ll make a bold prediction and say they go a step further and make the Elite Eight……of the NIT.