I never thought about what I actually wanted and instead lived by one creed:

React to whatever happens.

Know what’s wrong with this idea? Nothing ever happens that’s really in alignment with who you are, want to be or the life you want to live.

It makes sense, though, that after trauma we sort of curl up in a ball of safety and allow ourselves to be kicked around. My recovery, however, changed enormously when I began making choices about what I wanted. For example, I decided I wanted to feel better. I wanted a job that was less draining. I wanted to live in a place more conducive to recovery. I wanted to engage in the process of healing instead of just waiting for it to happen.

Wow, when I began making choices that were good and right for me suddenly things started falling into place. Eventually, I did achieve 100% freedom from PTSD symptoms, so all that hard work of making choices paid off.

This process happens for many people. I see this happen for survivors all the time. They start engaging in life by making simple choices (one of my clients began just by becoming clear on how to make a choice for what to have for lunch) and then the choices start to build in interesting ways that bring in more safety and control than all the negative PTSD coping habits could ever put into place.

If you were going to take back one more iota of real control by making a simple choice today, what would it be?

BIG NEWS — 1 Week Left!

When my PTSD recovery memoir was released last week we also launched PROJECT GIVE BACK:

FREE with your copy of the book you will receive over $1,900 in PTSD support resources.

How cool is that? I asked my colleagues to do something really special for you and they came through for me in a HUGE way. Check out all the details here.

While PROJECT GIVE BACK will continue, this blowout launch offer will end on May 31st.

This week on YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA:

Click here to join me on Thursday night 7:05-8pm EST. 

We end our series of survivor poetry with one of my poems. It’s actually the title poem of my PTSD recovery memoir, BEFORE THE WORLD INTRUDED: Conquering the Past and Creating the Future.

(The first part of the vid is about how and why I wrote the poem. You can skip immediately to the reading of the poem itself at 4:45.)

In the Heal My PTSD Support Groups today (we’re launching a new support group next week, want to join us?) the talk often turned to being ready to heal, and all the reasons why we are so often afraid to. They are, actually, really good reasons to want to hold on to the PTSD lifestyle. All of those coping techniques put in place ways for you to feel safe and in control. It’s very scary to let go of those things – unless you have a process that puts in place more healthy ways to feel safe and in control, which means you’re not really losing anything but gaining a lot of peace, calm, happiness and resolution.

Sure, it’s easy to write about that now, looking back, when I’m 100% PTSD-free. But I remember how terrified I was to let go of my coping mechanisms, or face my fears, or do the work, etc. Even while I wanted to feel better I procrastinated because my fear of getting better was greater than my desire to get better. Until one day it wasn’t.

I see this pattern happen over and over in the survivors I meet and work with: We all want to feel better but it’s so scary to:

• imagine it’s ok to be ok
• give ourselves permission to heal
• believe we are worth it
• imagine a future that is good and whole
• let go of the past

With all of those fears it’s reasonable to sit back and say, “I’m not going there!”

But if you don’t, who will? If you don’t, how will your life continue? How will you ever get better?

It’s up to each of us to take a deep breath and dive into the process of recovery.

James Stevens said,

Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.

Aren’t you a little bit curious about your recovery process? The best way to discover it is to engage in it — and move slowly.

Techniques to Control and Live Beyond Our PTSD Triggers:  Understanding and Identifying PTSD Triggers we discuss some of the ways to cope with them.

Permission to be Human: First and foremost, give yourself permission to be someone who suffers from PTSD.  The soul wound of PTSD is much more common than we might think.  PTSD is part of the human condition. Women and men and children go through horrific events in their lives and then they feel stupid, guilty, or selfish, that the horror continues to harm them – even decades later.   We need to realize, PTSD is a normal response to trauma.  We just want to control its influence over us.

A few years ago I was talking to someone I trusted and told them one of my experiences while serving in the Army.  They were a good listener: they let me tell the tale, they did not interrupt me, they did not try and tell me they knew someone else just like that, they just listened.  When I finished, that person said, “It’s no wonder you have PTSD.”  At that point I started giving myself permission to have PTSD.

Laughter: Purposely try to remember something that made you laugh.  It might make you laugh or at least smile now.  If you laugh honestly out of some joy, it has a healing effect.

PTSD hates laughter.  It wants you to wallow in misery and isolation and destroy your relationships.  It cannot stand laughter.  Laughter can heal you and it is usually done in a way that recognizes the humanity in each of us.

Hope: Find something to hope for.  PTSD hates hope.  It wants to destroy hope and drive you into alcohol, drugs, violence, porn, and ruin your relationships.  No matter how old I may be, there is always something we can hope for in the future.  If you find hope, you will find the will to live.  This defeats PTSD.  One of my hopes is that I will be less susceptible to my PTSD triggers.  It is a reasonable hope.  The more hope I have, the less susceptible I am to my PTSD triggers.

Identify Your Triggers: Realizing that you are having a PTSD episode allows you to backtrack and figure out what brought it on.  All trauma survivors should begin to track what causes them to have PTSD symptoms.  This might take a few years, but that is why we are blessed with long lives!  So we can make useful lists!  Start a notebook.  List how you felt and what was happening when you started having PTSD symptoms.  This is very important.

Ebb and Flow: Sometimes we are more susceptible to our PTSD triggers than at other times.  If I am having a harder time than usual, I can tell myself, that this is not permanent.  Sometimes my triggers may cause me to begin weeping and shake.  Other times, those same triggers may make me shudder, but nothing more.

Over the course of a few years now I have been able to go from always being harmed by one of my PTSD triggers to only being sometimes harmed by that same trigger.  This gives me experiential reason to hope that I can decrease my sensitivity to that trigger even more and also have improvements in regards to other of my PTSD triggers.

Don’t Make Others the Victims of Your PTSD:  PTSD producing traumas and the soul wound of PTSD itself can propel us to become embittered.  The PTSD can encourage us to be bigots, racists, sexists, you name it.  One of the goals of the PTSD-Identity is to make you isolate yourself and sever relationships.

If my initial trauma was caused by a black & white penguin with a lisp and it was also a fundamentalist Catholic, then my PTSD will want me to hate all black & white penguins with a lisp that are fundamentalist Catholics.  Having achieved that, it will have me branch out to hating other types of life and relationships just as much.

Desensitization: If a particular circumstance activates your PTSD triggers it is possible to become less sensitive to it.  One can allow themselves to be near the trigger for a brief period of time and then withdraw.  Having withdrawn, you then work through the rapid heartbeat, the desire to drink, the desire to scream – whatever your symptoms may be – and know that you survived.  You can go back and try it again, over time desensitizing yourself to the trigger.

If you are sensitive to standing in a lit room at night in front of the window because it triggers your PTSD memories of snipers, then spending a small amount of time doing just that can help to desensitize you to that particular PTSD item.

Cautions on Desensitization:

-   Start Slow: Note that I don’t recommend one repeatedly put their hand back into the PTSD trigger blender over and over again on the same day.  If the sound of Sonny Bono singing gives you the PTSD shivers, then don’t lay on twelve hours of Sonny Bono on your first try.  Maybe a single minute of Bono every day for a week and then the next week, up it to a few minutes.  Over time, you will learn not to have a PTSD response to hearing the voice of Sonny Bono.  Your mileage may vary.

-   Someone You Can Trust: This is best done if you have talked with someone ahead of time.  Tell them about your triggers and that you are going to work on desensitization.  They can be in the room with you as you cue up Sonny Bono.  Just having someone else who knows about your PTSD, who respects you and wants you to heal, will make this go more easily.

-   Write Before and After: This is recommended if you have someone trustworthy or not to help you desensitize.  Before you start, specifically write about this particular trigger and what it does to you.  After you have had a desensitization period, write again about how you felt.  You may want to write about it in the first person and then in the third person.  Each perspective helps you to understand more about your PTSD.  Writing is healing.  Writing about the trauma, the trigger, and the PTSD symptoms, takes the power away from the PTSD and gives it back to you – where it belongs.

- Talking: Talking with someone you trust about your triggers will help make those triggers less toxic to you.  I’ve written about this all through our series on PTSD Triggers.  If at all possible, find someone you can talk with about your PTSD.

-   Family/Friends: There is often someone in your family you can talk with (and, unfortunately, there is usually someone you can’t trust as well).  Perhaps your spouse.  If possible, your spouse can be a source of real and significant healing for you just by listening.

-   Groups: Support groups at hospitals and churches can be very helpful.

-   Confessors: If you are fortunate to have a dedicated confessor or spiritual director, then these people can listen and possibly even make useful suggestions.

Helping Others with Their PTSD: I spend a lot of time dealing with PTSD, my own and others.  I have to be careful that while I am able to listen, and offer advice when asked for, I do not become re-traumatized myself to the point where I become useless to myself, my family, my students, or the people whom I try to help.

Writing: Regardless if you are talking with someone, a professional or a loved one or friend, it also helps to write about your PTSD triggers.  The more ways we bring our triggers out of the shadows, the more we can shine light on them, the less they can attack us and damage our souls and our relationships.

Final PTSD Trigger Tips:

-   There is no shame in having PTSD.  It means I am human and I have a soul.

-   Some triggers may be too strong for me now and I may need to avoid those stimuli until I am better able to withstand them.

-   As we learn what are triggers are we can better control them.

-   If I learn what those triggers are I can begin to desensitize and be less susceptible to them.

-   I need to realize that I will have good times and bad times.  Like the tide, my sensitivity to my PTSD triggers will come and go.

-   PTSD harms me less, the more I communicate with others.

-   Remember to Write and to Talk with Trusted Others

-   Prayer & Ritual: I plan to address this in the future, but know that taking part in prayer and ritual (alone or in a group) can help to heal the damage of PTSD

PTSD is a hard life to live, we did not choose it, but we got it.  Yet, we can be restored to enjoying life and one another.  Identifying and then dealing with your PTSD Triggers will help you to take back control of your life.  Semper Pax, Dr. Z 

Dr. John Zemler acquired his PTSD some 25 years ago while serving in the US Army.  He subsequently earned a doctorate in Theology after he left the Army.   He combines his experience in theology, surviving 25 years of his own PTSD, and his work as a university professor and spiritual director to encourage trauma survivors to not give up hope.  Additionally, he helps trauma survivors and their loved ones to understand how PTSD affects the soul and can induce alienating behaviors.  He writes on the intersection of PTSD and spirituality at the www.PTSDSpirituality.com website.  Dr. Zemler helps trauma survivors appreciate prayer, writing, music, and artwork as avenues of healing.  His primary research interests are in the spiritual dimensions of PTSD and how one can heal from soul wounds.

The opinions in this post are solely those of the author.

Motivation/Effect:

As a combat photojournalist and foreign correspondent I used to fly in everything from C130s to crop dusters in order to get around. Many of the airlines I flew on were the butt of jokes since they had so many safety issues but there were no other choices and I was immune to fear. I enjoyed it! I loved the power of take off and landing, and the beauty of being up in the clouds like a god. But after my injuries and PTSD, flying became filled with irrational intrusive thoughts of sudden death: a mid-air collision, a wheel falling off, and so on, and one day I found myself writing this poem in order to cathartically externalize what I was going through.  It did help somewhat, although I still get the willies on take off.

‘PTSD ‘

Breaking out
in a cold sweat
from 30,000 feet,
I imagine
bodies falling
through torn skies.
The air
is a benevolent
blue, the earth
hard and distinct.

I jump
at the unheard,
heart racing,
while others
do the crossword
and doze.
I cannot control
an engine stalling,
pitching us
down into
the wheat fields
ofKansas.

Outside is a
quivering red
horizon
as we begin
landing;
rubber on concrete,
engines screaming.
Then heartbeat slowing,
plane on the ground:
the bearable truth.

KAREN PETERSEN, adventurer, photojournalist and writer, has traveled the world extensively, publishing both nationally and internationally. Most recently, her poem, “Patagonia, ” was published in The Saranac Review. She is currently at work on Four Points on a Compass, a collection of her poems from overseas. She lives in New York.
Link to other work:
http://www.poemhunter.com/karen-petersen/poems/page-1/?a=a&l=1&y=1

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.

This poem is by Jeni Barker, a pet parent to 2 dogs and 4 cats.  She runs her own pet sitting service and lives in sunny Florida.  She enjoys reading, writing, and many kinds of crafts.

One Day a Butterfly

A lonely little caterpillar am I,
All brown and ugly to me.
I try to stay with Mother Sunshine
But I feel too ugly and not wanted by her.
She beckons for me to come.
I stay in the shadows so no one will see.
It’s safe here in the shadows.
No one can hurt me anymore here I say.
My light will give you warmth and comfort.
I’ll heal your pain she says.

I’ll help you pretty the butterfly says.
How can you help?
You’re not like me.
I was once. I was hurt really bad.
I found the road that led me to what I am now.
Let me show you the way.
I’m afraid.
It’s okay to be afraid.
One step at a time is all that it takes.
Be strong caterpillar and come.

The road is ahead, I see it now.
Be strong caterpillar and walk the road.
You’ll be okay.
The real you is at the end.
I promise you that.
Once you reach that far,
Your pain will fade.
The hurt inside will be a dull ache.

I walk the road now.
I feel so alone.
I make friends with a bunny who also walks.
I see I’m not alone with the pain and suffering.
We help each other keep going on.
I know one day what awaits me…
I’ll finally be the butterfly I was meant to be!

I received an interesting email from a psychiatrist and want to share it with you to give you strength, courage and the idea that you should be looking for the right person to help you move forward. Just because someone has a degree doesn’t mean they know what’s right for you. The psychiatrist wrote this:

I have met many clinicians who did not know how to help a client. Many of them tend to blame the client for their own lack of skills and insights. Rather than admitting that we don’t know what we’re doing and helping the client to connect with someone who does, many of us blame the client by saying that they “aren’t engaging in treatment”, or “appear to lack motivation.”

Every now and then, check in with your own instincts. Are you with the right professional? Are you receiving the help, support and guidance you deserve?

BIG NEWS!

When my PTSD recovery memoir was released we also launched PROJECT GIVE BACK: FREE with your copy of the book you will receive over $1,900 in PTSD support resources. How cool is that? I asked my colleagues to do something really special for you and they came through for me in a HUGE way. Check out all the details here.

This week on YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA:

Click here to join me on Thursday night 7:05-8pm EST. 

Federico Garcia-Anguiano

Somatic Experiencing is a form of therapy aimed at relieving and resolving the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other mental and physical trauma-related health problems by focusing on the client’s perceived body sensations (or somatic experiences). It was introduced by Dr. Peter Levine in 1997. He presented at length his observations of animals in the wild, and how they deal with and recover from life-threatening situations. He concludes that their behaviour gives us “an insight into the biological healing process”, and that “the key to healing traumatic symptoms in humans lies in our being able to mirror the fluid adaption of wild animals” as they avoid traumatization in reacting to lifethreatening situations.

Theory

The theory postulates that the symptoms of trauma are the effect of a dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system (ANS). It further postulates that the ANS has an inherent capacity to self-regulate that is undermined by trauma, and that the inherent capacity to self-regulate can be restored by the procedures of Somatic Experiencing.

Practice

The procedure, which is normally done in a face-to-face session similar to psychotherapy, involves a client tracking his or her own felt-sense experience. In a new modality of SE now becoming more prevalent, the session combines face-to-face intereaction with something similar to energy healing, where the practitioner gently touches the client’s body at key joints and what are called ‘diaphragms’.

Practitioners of Somatic Experiencing are often also psychotherapists, Rolfers or Body Workers. Certified practitioners must complete a training course that spans three years. The procedure is considered by its practitioners to be effective for Shock Trauma (see below) in the short term (typically one to six sessions).

It is also considered effective for Developmental Trauma as an adjunct to more conventional psychotherapy that may span years.

Somatic Experiencing attempts to promote awareness and release of physical tension that proponents believe remains in the body in the aftermath of trauma. They believe this occurs when the survival responses(which can take the form of orienting, fight, flight or “freeze”) of the ANS are aroused, but are not fully discharged after the traumatic situation has passed.

Somatic Experiencing uses procedural elements that have been said to work anecdotally, but have yet to be subjected to a double-blind study. The process involves a guided exploration of the nature and extent of the physical dysregulation that is harbored in the body as a result of trauma.

Techniques include “titration” of the client’s experience. That is, in the initial steps of the procedure, the client is only exposed to small amounts of their distress at a time, until they develop tolerance and the capacity to handle more.

Another idea is that the client’s experience should be “pendulated”. ‘Pendulation’ refers to the movement between regulation and dysregulation. The client is helped to move to a state where he or she is believed to be somewhat dysregulated (i.e is aroused or frozen) and then helped to return to a state of regulation (loosely defined as not aroused or frozen). This process is done iteratively, with progressively more levels of dysregulation believed to be resolved by the client in successive pendulations.

“Resources” are defined phenomenologically as anything that helps the client’s autonomic nervous system return to a regulated state. In the face of arousal, “discharge” is facilitated to allow the client’s body to return to a regulated state. Through this process the client’s inherent capacity to self-regulate is believed to be restored.

Somatic Experiencing is considered by its practitioners to be useful for two broad categories of trauma: shock trauma and developmental trauma. Shock trauma is loosely defined as a single-episode traumatic event such as a car accident, earthquake, battlefield incident, etc. Developmental trauma refers to various kinds of psychological damage that occur during child development when a child has insufficient attention from the primary caregivers, or an insufficiently nurturing relationship with the parent.

Federico Garcia-Anguiano is a Somatic Experiencing (SE) practitioner and certified Qigong instructor. A native of Spain, Federico has lived in and experienced many cultures. He lives partly in southern and northern California. The watershed discovery in his path to date is that trauma can be healed and there IS hope for improvement and freedom from the past. He attributes most of his continuing recovery to the process of Somatic Experiencing, coupled with the daily practice of Qigong. 

The opinions in this post are solely those of the author. To contribute to ‘Professional Perspective’ contact Michele.

You Were Wrong About Me and One Day, I Will Truly Believe It

To learn more about Grasshopper Stephanie, check out: http://www.grasshoppersvoice.blogspot.com  

Does he push a little too hard?
Does he yell a little too loud?
Does he make excuses for himself?
Is his ego a little too proud?

You lie to defend him because he loves you
or so he claims.
But when he’s having a bad day
is it you that he blames?

You can walk away,
life is waiting so skip the excuse.
It’s time to take a stand,
it’s time to end his abuse.