I was diagnosed with PTSD in college for surviving an entire childhood of emotional and physical assaults by a violent alcoholic father, including explosive domestic violence episodes, and 15 years of sexual assaults by my father’s alcoholic brother who lived in our home.  After seeking therapeutic help with these experiences, I found healing and was able to release the shame and false guilt I carried for living through these traumas.

I learned that speaking out about my experiences to those who would listen and understand, helped me to feel normal and sane.  I was able to find tremendous healing when I volunteered to staff a suicide hotline, of which I received invaluable training beforehand.  I learned that being a survivor of abuse was not something to be ashamed of or to hide because these assaults were done to me, by those I loved and relied on for protection.

Years later, I was sexually assaulted by a Catholic priest in college, who is a skilled sexual predator who knows exactly how to groom his victims.  He convinced me that he loved me for the person I was, he showered me with compliments of praise and told me, again and again, how important I was to him and special.  I fell completely for everything he said, promised and did for me, even the sexual contact between us.  We spent an entire summer together, hiding our secret affair until he abruptly left for a missionary assignment in Nigeria, Africa.  He cut all communication, completely abandoned me and caused a relapse of PTSD.  I was forced into therapy to cope with the emotional devastation and it was during this therapy period that my PTSD was first identified and diagnosed.

I never expected to be re-victimized again, especially by a trusted priest.  Fortunately, over the years, I had surrounded myself with positive, healthy thinking and emotionally grounded individuals who also supported my healing journey.  Identifying and understanding my PTSD was the first step to improving my life.  Learning new emotional coping skills to various “triggers” was the second most important factor in healing, especially in regards with close friends and intimate relationships.  To acknowledge and appreciate the personal improvements and accomplishments is critical to our moving forward, regardless of the unexpected PTSD challenges that occasionally come up.  Our PTSD histories are with us always, but we can learn to manage the influences to allow us to live content, healthier, happy lives.  Always look ahead, focus on the positive and know that we’re all traveling this healing journey together.

This week on YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA

When you’re frightened, it’s hard to remember all the physical details. But the emotional details–those incidents that your soul, however unwillingly, recorded–remain eternally clear: Terror. Chaos. Pain. Fear. In my body, every cell registered, memorized, and retained what scarred it in those moments.

In recovery, then, our job becomes releasing the charge that those moments hold, letting go of the intensity we still associate with them. There are many ways to do this, through meditation, therapy, alternative techniques…. There are so many ways to get where you want to go. Trust yourself to find the way.

(To read more from my trauma recovery memoir, click here to download an excerpt.)

You have enormous healing potential, the goal is learning to access it. Dig deep. You can do this. I believe in you!

Want a little daily PTSD healing inspiration? Click here to sign up to receive our free Healing Thought of the Day email.

Photo acknowledgement

EFFECTS OF DATE RAPE

A month after the party, Hannah continued to feel extremely anxious. What made matters worse is that Chris was in several of her classes so she saw him regularly. He actually went out of his way to smile at her and chat with her as if nothing happened. When she was in his class, she would “check out.” Her mind would wander and at one point, she was sitting in her class and missed the entire lecture. The only thing that brought her back to the room was the moment people began getting out of their seats and leaving.

Hannah became very depressed and couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. She continued to have flashbacks to that night and her body felt like it was happening again. Her anxiety was out of control. She was barely able to concentrate on her school work and her grades were dropping rapidly. She had dropped out of her sorority using the excuse that she had to focus more on school. In reality, she felt she could not trust them as she thought on some level that they knew what happened. In addition, she was embarrassed because she was sure that Chris had told his fraternity brothers that he had sex with her. Hannah assumed that her sorority sisters knew what had happened and now considered herself to be a “slut.”

After another month, Hannah’s anxiety was so bad that she dropped out of school. Reality was that in addition to the poor grades, it was too much for her to walk by the fraternity house and see Chris on a regular basis. After she left school, she never talked to her sorority sisters again.

The effects of date rape include a broad range of symptoms including leaving the survivor feeling “tainted” or “bad” in some way. As in Hannah’s case, she felt dirty and assumed everyone thought she was a “slut.” Rape hits survivors at their core and instills a belief that they are somehow to blame. They feel as if the rape had something to do with their own behaviors. Without putting the responsibility on the assailant, survivors continue to blame themselves.

One symptom in particular is shaken trust. Having known their assailant, many survivors have great difficulty with trusting others. Survivors feel “on guard” with acquaintances they once trusted.

In addition to trust issues, rape survivors are 3 times more likely to suffer from depression. For many, depression goes untreated or undertreated for years. Because depression is somewhat a common condition, survivors may not make the correlation between the assault and their feelings afterwards. This depression can manifest for years until the survivor is adequately treated for both the depression and the rape.

Survivors are 6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD can be recognized with three different categories of symptoms. It starts with intrusive symptoms. Intrusive symptoms literally “intrude” a survivor’s life. Survivors are often reminded of the rape when they don’t intend to think about it. Some say the memories come “out of the blue.” Intrusive symptoms may take the form of flashbacks, dreams, smells, or other bodily sensations.

These intrusive symptoms produce a great deal of anxiety as survivors never know when the next flashback or sensation will occur. This anticipation and discomfort leads to arousal symptoms. These symptoms keep the survivor in a continuous state of high alert for potential danger. Hypervigilence is fueled by the feeling that the world is not safe both externally and internally. Survivor’s bodies often respond to reminders of the rape as if it is happening in the present. This is to ensure that the acts or feelings associated with the rape alert the survivor of danger. Survivors may know in their “mind” that the rape was in the past, but the body, having no sense of time, responds as if it is happening in the present.

This heightened state of arousal leads to avoidance symptoms. In Hannah’s case, she “checked out” when reminded of the rape. This is known as dissociation. Survivors go to great lengths to protect themselves against flashbacks and other intrusive symptoms. For some, withdrawing all together is the only means of escape.

Maggie had the idea that she had been raped but still blamed herself for drinking too much. She was afraid to tell anyone because she thought they too would blame her for what happened. Maggie had always been a light drinker but soon after the rape, she began drinking a few glasses of wine at night just to “wind down” and to sleep without having nightmares.

Alcohol helped reduce her anxiety. This anxiety, however, would not subside. A month later she went to a psychiatrist who said that she probably had an anxiety disorder and prescribed her Xanax (a prescriptions to help her relax). Maggie didn’t tell the psychiatrist that she was drinking or about the rape. Soon after seeing the psychiatrist, she began abusing the Xanax and drinking.

Maggie only drank wine since mixed drinks created flashbacks to that night she was with George. It wasn’t long before she developed an addiction which progressed quickly. She was drinking numerous drinks at night and it was getting to the point where she was drinking earlier in the day. She was missing work constantly and often stayed in bed all day taking four Xanax instead of the prescribed two. When she was extremely intoxicated, she even contemplated ending her life.

One way survivors try and avoid symptoms is by drinking or taking drugs. Survivors are13 times more likely to abuse alcohol and 26 times more likely to abuse drugs. They may find that drugs and alcohol are an escape from symptoms associated with the rape. It may be the one thing that allows them to relax. This misuse of substances often leads to addiction.

A world full of fear and feelings of being unsafe may cause survivors to contemplate ending their life. Survivors are 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide. Suicide may seem the only way to escape the symptoms of PTSD, alcohol/drug dependence, or other symptoms associated with rape. In addition, some survivors experience “passive suicidality.” For example, individuals may not necessarily want to die, but may welcome an accident or something else that would put them out of their misery.

Next installment – Recovering from rape…

Amy Menna has a Ph.D. in Counselor Education and Supervision, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and Certified Addictions Professional. She has over 10 years of experience treating survivors of sexual assault and has published on the topic of Rape Trauma Syndrome, resiliency, and childhood sexual abuse. She is in private practice and lives in Tampa, Florida. She is available by email atamymenna@aol.com

Gift From Within, (www.giftfromwithin.org) is a non-profit organization dedicated to those who suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), those at risk for PTSD, and those who care for traumatized individuals.

The opinions in this post are solely those of the author. To contribute to ‘Professional Perspective’ contact Michele.

Photo acknowledgment 

Acquaintance Rape: A Matter of Consent, Part 3

Acquaintance Rape: A Matter of Consent, Part 2

Acquaintance Rape: A Matter of Consent, Part 1

Guest post by Vincenzo D’Amico

In the early stages of my healing journey, I sought therapeutic help anywhere I could find it: from anyone that would listen. It took some time to realize emotional trauma is a subject too alien for the general public.  For many years, I strained as I listened to cheerful voices celebrating special occasions, yet such joy seemed out of my reach due to undiagnosed PTSD.

Although research and writing help me in my healing process, I sometimes encounter multiple issues that resist translation. I come into collision with my own perceptions. No matter how the words arrange themselves, they sometimes look back at me with trifling glances. The deeper I excavate, the less justice accorded to the lived experience.

I came to the conclusion I can only endure so much time living in my head before I’d be consumed with nausea or fatigue.  As a result, I involuntarily began looking for a balance – a physical activity to help me shift from head to body.  In 2006, I began to contemplate my long forgotten world of skating.

Skating played center stage in my childhood and teenage years.  I lived and breathed it like freezing air.  It circulated in my blood veins vigorously, so I only felt slight tinges of cold in my extremities… ears, nose, fingers and toes — and the toes not so much until I got home and I actually began to thaw, then the pain intensified enough to make me question if maybe six to seven hours out in a frozen park may have been a little bit too much?!  Hmmmm?

You see, in Canada boys are born with skates on and therefore always pushing the sport to its limits. The idea of skating in a run-of-the-mill way is inconceivably too boring.  This usually translates into skating recklessly out of control or playing endless hours of hockey.

For me the fascination about skating shimmered in its undomesticated artistic expression. It all began by watching a classmate named Neil Hill maneuver effortlessly on ice skates in a way that combined grace and confidence. The music (60s and 70s) elevated my spirit with anticipation of capturing the heart of a pretty girl with some fancy footing and show of speed. I don’t know why but I believed that artistic competence in this skill automatically guaranteed winning the ladies. It never happened.

Fast forward into adulthood:

Since I live in Central America, the arena switched from abstract ice to concrete rollerblading.  As I got bored of skating the way everyone around me conventionally skated,  I kept remembering Neil Hill from my childhood.  Through trial and error I began interpreting music through skate dancing once a week until I developed my own unique style. 

The magic is parallel to surfing on the high waves except in skate dancing you’re weaving in and out of people rather than through huge locks of water.  Part of the challenge is to swing to the music without bumping into anyone or knocking them down. It’s making impromptu dance movements that require cat-like agility with heightened alertness, intuition, balance, beauty, grace and ease.  Music races through your body in liquid form, providing a sense of courage that would be otherwise absent.

The sense of wild abandonment depends upon the choice of music (thus the need to carry your own MP3 device).  Each movement rises from ear to heart throbbing through veins.  Skate dancing invariably has a matchless effect upon me.

What are the benefits of skate dancing?  How does it relieve my PSTD symptoms?

The benefit could be called a flight of transcendence. For a few of hours each week, I experience a way to rise above the demands and cares of stressful life.  I take off into a flight of bliss. More importantly, the endorphins  help disperse the dark cloud of depression and anxiety symptoms of my PTSD.

As I experience the exhilaration from skate dancing, it changes the chemical processes in my body and therefore my anxiety and depression lessen their grip.

I often question if living somewhere between imagination and reality sabotages me. As a dreamer, I get carried away.  As a highly sensitive person, I experience the emotional realm with hyper-vigilance.  Skate dancing is a safe channel where my intuition gets to run wild.  I love the serendipity that invariably unfolds.

Once freed from my PTSD symptoms, I began to become more sensitive to the needs of my body — eat less and less junky foods and began to replace them with fresh organic fruits and vegetables.  I stayed away from caffeine, white sugar, refined foods, MSG and alcohol.

Vincenzo was born in Toronto, Canada.  He has been teaching art and creativity at a private school for eighteen years. After finishing art college he received his Masters in Theology and Education.  Vincenzo lives in San José, Costa Rica, and has a beautiful 15 year old daughter.  He savors the penetrating soliloquies of literature. He finds inspiration in reflection, journaling, blogging and listening to audio books. He questions convention, the media and consumerism.  He is also an advocate against domestic violence.

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.

This Week on YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA Radio:

In her memoir, LEARNING TO BREATHE: My Yearlong Quest To Bring Calm To My Life, Priscilla Warner writes,

I grew more calm when I was immersed in the drawing. Between that and my regular meditation practice, I was feeling productive and balanced. It amazed me that I could calm myself down so deeply with nothing but a pencil and paper. The power of deep creative engagement was thrilling.

What do you do that makes you so focused and engaged that you forget about everything else? Haven’t found that yet? Start experimenting!

You have enormous healing potential, the goal is learning to access it. Dig deep. You can do this. I believe in you!

Want a little daily PTSD healing inspiration? Click here to sign up to receive our free Healing Thought of the Day email.

Photo acknowledgement

People are so busy worrying about the future that they neglect the present moment. For example, pay close attention next time you eat something that you really enjoy, whether that be chocolate, ice cream, or any other food. See how focused you are on the present moment. If you are like most people, once you’ve taken your initial bite, you will be thinking about the next bite. You will probably even think about getting a second serve before you’ve even finished your first bite. The same goes with money. No matter what we have we always want more, to the point that we neglect the goodness that can be found now. Even the world’s richest billionaires want more. We miss the full energy that the chocolate that we are eating now brings us through enjoyment and happiness, and instead place our thoughts on the future and miss out on this energy. And this doesn’t just stop with chocolate and money.

Human beings have become so entranced by what they want in the future that they neglect the wholeness of the present moment whatever they’re doing. For example, If you’re reading a book, driving your car, eating a meal or doing anything else mundane and your mind wanders off to thinking about what you are going to do at a later time, for example, what you are going to have for dinner that night, in that instant you miss out on the gift that the Universe is providing you in that moment – you miss out on receiving energy and growth that is provided to you in order to help you to fulfill your potential.

The energy that you give to the present moment determines the quality of your future. There is no such thing as an ordinary or mundane moment; every moment holds beauty, joy and energy for those who connect with it. The present moment provides you with the opportunity to build the foundations for a lifetime of fulfilled potential, whereas not being in the present moment restricts your life in many ways.

Achieve More

Being present allows you to do extraordinary things that you would never thought you were capable of. When your mind is cleared from clutter and connected to Universal Energy, nothing is impossible. You may often hear athletes talk about how they were ‘in the zone’ when they achieved outstanding results. ‘In the zone’ is nothing more than pure presence. The world’s greatest thinkers create their best work from a field of pure presence because creativity comes when the mind is quiet, present and energized. I know for certain that the times when I think of the best ideas are the times that I’ve have escaped the imprisonment of my mind and am fully present in whatever I’m doing.

You will bring yourself to the point where you will find joy and peace, regardless of what you do.  There is so much calmness within the present. There are no problems and no stresses in the present.

Whenever you catch yourself drifting into thoughts about the past or future, remind yourself to shift your focus to the present moment. Where possible, integrate the lessons from the past and your awareness of the future into the present moment.

Begin embracing life now. With life so impermanent and limited by time, I implore you to stop avoiding the things that you really want to do. Don’t let the struggle of the past have any power over you. Live the life that your innermost self wants you to live. Take the lessons that the past has gifted you with, embrace the future and follow the deep drive within you to fully express yourself in every aspect of your life.

Post Dramatic Trauma: Embracing the Past, Part 2

Post Dramatic Trauma: Live in the Present Moment, Part 1

Wellbeing Revolution

My website: www.thewellbeingrevolution.com

I remember telling my new friend Harry I was never going to get married again, or deal with the aggravation of a relationship. I meant it, too. Harry and I had met in a support group, ironically, on what would have been my tenth wedding anniversary. I had purposed in my heart to make the best of that day.

Our relationship began with occasional phone conversations, mainly to support each other through the loss of our spouses. I didn’t think of him in terms of anything more than a new friend. In fact, I never believed I’d be able to feel anything beyond friendship for anyone ever again. So it surprised me when I started to develop an attraction for him. I didn’t think he could return the feelings, because he was suffering from his own post-marital wounds. Besides, he was actually getting to know me, and, as I had been brainwashed to believe, to really know me would be to run from me. So I could hardly believe it when he invited me to church on Christmas Eve. I realized that even if nothing came of this, it was nice to know I could feel something in my heart again.

Harry did need time to heal from the loss of his marriage, but to my delight, he was attracted to me, too. Through the following year of phone conversations and coffee/dinner dates, Harry and I developed a strong foundation of friendship. He was also very respectful of my son, which, of course, was vital to me.

When I started to realize I could love this man, I began writing down what my expectations were for a relationship at the urging of a friend of mine who was a life coach. In hindsight, this list was quite amusing. It started out with things I didn’t want, rather than things I wanted; things like “I want my phone calls private, and not taped, I want my emails private.” As I grew in my recovery, I could laugh at that list. I mean, let’s aim for the sky! How about “I want a man who won’t duct tape me to the bed and beat me.” All kidding aside, though, so much of my life had been violated that I had to figure out what I did want from a list of things I didn’t want.

Harry and I are headed for the altar of marriage, but not without caution. We’re in pre-marital counseling together with our pastor. No marriage is without its trials, but it was important for me to know how my partner handled them. Fortunately, we’ve been together long enough now that we’ve endured some painful and difficult times together. The important thing is that we endure them together.

Now, November 6, the date of what would have been my tenth wedding anniversary, has a whole new meaning. I no longer think of it as the anniversary, but the day I met my future husband. What a way to replace a trauma memory!

Today, my identity is not in the surviving of the abuse, but in the conquering. I’ve also been able to overcome other fears in my life, like a 35-year fear of dogs. I was able to do this through a simple NLP visualization technique.

Whenever I face challenges, or a choice to take a risk, I think of what I’ve already been able to overcome with the help of my Lord, some NLP techniques, and, of course, a great support team. I appreciate and enjoy life more now than I ever have, and live relatively free of depression. I look forward to waking up in the morning, and enjoying what life has to offer, not despite what I’ve been through, but because of it.

Snapshots of Life After Abuse, Part 1

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele.

The cool thing about emotions is that scientifically speaking, the chemicals you brain releases that create all of those responses only last 90 seconds. That’s right, the surge of any emotion naturally intensifies and then recedes that quickly. Or, until you have another thought that perpetuates the cycle so that it begins over and over again.

The good news is, you can reclaim control: The next time you feel the surge of emotion — don’t freak out. Instead, take some deep calming breaths and slowly count to 90, knowing that by the time you’re done the chemical surge will reduce and the intensity will be gone.

This Week On Your Life After Trauma Radio:

Join me on Thursday night 7:05-8pm EST. 

I’ll be interviewing Peter A. Levine (author of the iconic trauma recovery book, WAKING THE TIGER) about Somatic Experience technique.

For more info and to listen live, click here.

Want ideas about how to deal with depression, change, and healing? Want to know how to find treatments that work and proof that your past can be overcome? Listen to past episodes of YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA here.