Researchers at Scripps have discovered what they’re calling an addiction switch. When the addiction switch is on, cravings follow. When the switch is off, cravings are diminished or non-existent. Even withdrawal symptoms gave way when the addiction switch was turned off.

The population, in this case, consisted of alcohol-dependent rats. The tool to flip the addiction switch is a laser. Researchers used lasers to target a specific region of the rats’ brain. The procedure is not available for humans as of yet.

Science Daily reported the following: 

“This discovery is exciting — it means we have another piece of the puzzle to explain the neural mechanism driving alcohol consumption,” says Olivier George, Ph.D., an associate professor at Scripps Research and senior author of the new study, published March 18, 2019, in the journal Nature Communications. (see https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/03/190318132554.htm)

Mirroring the Addiction Switch in Real Life

Interestingly, as science acts directly on the brain, the softer sciences are at work developing addiction treatment models that mirror the process. The assumption is that addiction comes on like an emotional hijacking. A trigger of some sort goes off and your entire attitude changes.

“Screw it! I’m having a drink.”

You know that attitude? How many addictive behaviors are preceded by “Screw it!” Screw it and other sudden attitude shifts can lead to impulsive, destructive decisions. And it does play out as if someone flipped an internal switch and an “inner addict” surfaces. That inner addict has nothing in common with the you that swore to abstain today.

Emotional hijacking. How do we keep that switch from flipping?

Better yet, how do we avoid giving in to the demand to use after the switch is flipped? Books like Rational Recovery. These approaches psychologically mirror the addiction switch process by using psychological phenomena. The key, according to rational recovery, is to create psychological distance between you and your cravings (regardless of the target of those cravings).

Once distance from the cravings is achieved, it becomes much easier (it’s surprising) to simply ignore the craving impulse. Binge.coach summarized the process into three simple steps.

Will addiction research and treatment undergo a paradigm shift? Not likely, as the disease model of addiction has more or less taken it over (and this is not necessarily a bad thing). Still, for those willing to explore alternative approaches, the future looks interesting.

As an entrepreneur, I spent a great deal of time in the early stages of setting up my business looking at what my ‘competition’ was doing.

I also spent a huge amount of energy trying to figure out how to build constant and continuous growth into my business plan. How could I continue to expand, and keep up with all those bigger and more successful businesses out there? How could I increase revenue and profits, and lower expenses?

Somewhere along the way, I got tired. This constant expenditure of energy towards keeping up with my competitors, finding ever more inventive ways to expand and increase, and always worrying about the bottom line started to take its toll. What began as a means of expressing myself and my passions out in the world, and as a means of earning a satisfying living, became an unhappy burden that left a bad taste in my mouth.

The Current Business Model

Much of what is taught in business school programs, and everything we read and hear in business and financial publications, supports the view that business is dog-eat-dog. We must achieve at the expense of our competition, and success is about constant growth and an ever increasing profit margin. Producing more and more ‘stuff’ at less and less cost seems to be the pervasive model.

But this type of thinking leaves very little room or time for creativity and innovation, pleasure, sharing, human kindness, and genuine customer service. It also leaves very little wiggle room for factoring in concern for the environment, social equity or human rights (unless there is some profit or tax break involved). A big reason our planet is in the state it’s in is as a direct result of this type of thinking.

From Continuous Growth to Continuous Improvement

With self-employment and micro & small business slated to become the leader of the new economy, we as entrepreneurs, small business owners and even customers have an opportunity to create something new.

What if instead of constant growth in terms of stuff and profit, we focused on constant improvement – improvement in quality of life for owners and employees alike, and improvement in environmental impacts and social equity? What would that look like?

What if businesses, once they had reached say an optimal and sustainable profit to expense ratio, focused on making their employee program exceptional? And instead of constantly striving for higher profits for a few wealthy share-holders at the expense of the employees, what if a business invested a portion of existing profits back into making their product or service even better, more environmentally sound, more socially equitable?

If the focus for new businesses shifted from profits and continuous & never-ending growth to quality improvement and customer service, this would leave more room for many small businesses to co-exist, instead of a handful of mega-corporations dominating the landscape.

Non-Competition: Is It Possible?

I envision the new business model being one of non-competition. Of course, competing with each other on one level is key to innovation and improvement, and leaves opportunities for businesses to shine in customer service. But competition does not have to mean putting another out of business in order that just one succeeds.

It could instead mean communicating with our so-called competition and making them into allies instead of enemies. Imagine chatting with your competitor to find the best solution so that both of you can thrive and make a good living for yourself and your employees? Perhaps discussing different niches and angles that each could take, or sharing costs of goods and services to lower both of your expenses.

If businesses took a view to earn and retain the support of a customer base that could sustain a great quality of life for the business owner and it’s employees without sacrificing innovation, the environment, human rights or social equity, could they stop there instead of constantly striving for more – more money, more profit, more market share? Could we find that tipping point, beyond which someone or something suffers at the expense of growth, and just not go there?

Authenticity

Qualities largely absent in the current business paradigm include honesty, transparency and authenticity.

Those businesses that are demonstrating such qualities are finding a new customer base that is willing to reward them with their dollars and loyalty. Many consumers are feeling disillusioned by false advertising, corporate greed, human rights and environmental violations, and a general lack of integrity in businesses they once blindly trusted, and are choosing companies and brands that demonstrate honesty, authenticity and genuine care.

Imagine launching a small business venture or service that genuinely reflected who you are and what you value, and attracting just those customers who resonated with that message. Imagine creating a business environment where you, your suppliers, your employees and your customers all felt elevated as a result of the business transaction. Imagine everyone enjoying their slice of the communal business pie, and no one going without. I believe it is possible given a shift in our priorities and expectations.

As consumers, it may mean paying higher prices to support those businesses and providers who demonstrate values and ethics that match yours. It may mean going a little further out of your way to purchase from a business that provides genuine customer service, and that takes care of its employees as well as its share-holders and owners.

It may call for those of us in business and self-employed service to step up to the plate and choose improvement and equity over competition, and instead of automatically striving for increased profits and viral growth, to be content with ‘enough’.

Gossip is nasty business.

It causes some degree of pain and suffering to whoever it touches. Even so called ‘idle’ gossip is negatively felt on a subtle level by those involved.

Perhaps you’re adamantly agreeing with me right now, shaking your head at ‘those’ people. But be careful – you may just be engaging in gossip more often than you realize.

What Exactly IS Gossip and Why Do We Do It?

The formal definition of gossip calls it “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true”. 

It’s important to go a step further in defining gossip in order to distinguish it from other forms of more benign or purposeful sharing of news and information. This is where intent comes into play. What is the intended purpose behind gossip that renders it by nature negative, malicious or at best unhelpful? Who exactly does it serve?

I maintain that most gossip occurs for one reason and one reason alone – to increase the social standing or status of the gossiper.

When we choose to share some little tidbit of information about another person or group of people (whether unsubstantiated or not), we generally do so because knowing something that others in our social circle do not gives us a false sense of importance. Suddenly, all eyes and ears are on us, and we have the undivided attention of our peers. It’s heady stuff.

This type of information sharing has a very different energy compared to when we share good news about someone relevant to our social circle.

Gossip can also be more intentionally malicious, such as when we share something about another that we know will discredit them or cause unfair judgement to be placed on them. But the end result is really the same; we gain a false sense of confidence or importance at the expense of another. 

So let’s recap. Gossip, as opposed to the genuine sharing of useful or important news:

• is always about other people or groups of people. This can include people we know personally, as well as those we’ve never met;
• is most often unsubstantiated. We only ‘know’ because we heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend, who read it online, who definitely knows it to be fact;
• is generally of a negative nature, i.e. something unflattering or critical;
• is conducted in the absence of the object of gossip. The people we are talking about are not present, and therefore are unable to give their side of the story or otherwise defend themselves;
• has as its primary purpose the raising of social standing or status of the gossiper, either by lending them a false sense of importance as someone who ‘knows’ things, or by bolstering their confidence by directly discrediting another.

Are YOU a Gossip?

You may already realize you have a tendency to gossip, but most people don’t like to see themselves as such, and so will rationalize the behavior by calling it something else. We may hide behind ‘trying to be helpful’, ‘making conversation’, or just ‘being funny’.

Sadly, many in our society are in fact entertained by the misery and troubles of others. We unwittingly support the gossip machine when we seek out and soak up stories of this nature. And so it’s no wonder that we also seek to raise our social standing through the vehicle of gossip and the sharing of bad news.

If you’re still not certain whether your conversation around the water cooler or at the dinner table is of a gossiping nature, pay attention the next time you engage in casual conversation, and look for the following clues:

• you start many of your sentences with “Did you hear…” or “I just heard that…”;
• you spend much of your time talking about people who are not present for the conversation (yes, this includes celebrities and politicians!);
• you get a little thrill when you discover some juicy piece of news about another, and can’t wait to share it with your peers.

How to Stop Being a Gossip

The first step in stopping any unwanted behavior is of course to recognize that you’re doing it. By simply observing the content of your conversations for a week or two, you should be able to catch yourself in gossip mode. You may not notice until after a conversation, or it may be in mid-sentence, but just pay attention.

Equally important in changing an unwanted behavior is understanding why you do it. By recognizing that you gain something from gossip, you can be compassionate with yourself and others even as you work to let the behavior go.

Do you lack confidence in your ability to be funny, interesting or entertaining without using gossip? Do you seek the thrill of being the center of attention in social situations? Are you unconsciously comparing yourself to others, finding yourself lacking, and using unflattering gossiping about them to ‘level the playing field’? Do you feel that you must entertain others and have something exciting to say in order to be accepted?

All of these reasons stem from a lack of confidence and self-esteem, which can also make it easier to be compassionate when others gossip about you or in your presence. Often just bringing a little awareness to the habit of gossiping is enough to change the behavior.

Another incentive is to understand how much harm gossip can and does inflict. When we spread negative news, judgements and criticisms behind someone’s back, even in those rare instances where the information may actually be true, we are betraying that person, and they will feel it on some level regardless of whether they ever find out.

Relationships become subtly strained and tainted where gossip is involved. Subconsciously, those hearing the gossip will not trust you, and will internalize the judgements being vocalized. Even the gossiper is negatively affected; we instinctively realize that others are judging us similarly, and the false boost to our self-confidence gives way to increased feelings of low self-worth. 

If after all of this, you still find yourself having difficulties refraining from gossiping, remember the age-old adage: if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Often referred to as “getting in your own way” self-sabotage implies that you are doing harm to yourself even though there are better options.

Examples of Self-Sabotage

You might:

• Have work to do but procrastinate by surfing the internet.
  
• Yell at your children when you know it will make matters worse.
  
• Overeat when you know you’ll regret it later.
  
• Ignore a problem as it grows more and more ominous.
  
• Spend money you can’t afford to spend.
  
• Push people away who might help you.
  
• Invite the wrong people into your life.
  

Why would anyone do it?

There are many theories. Here are eight for you to consider.

• Emotional hijacking (triggers) by primitive brain
  

Emotional hijacking is a term coined by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence.  This refers to the primitive brain taking over our powers of making conscious decisions and forcing us to do what the primitive brain considers the safest option.  Of course, the safest option as perceived by the primitive brain isn’t necessarily the healthiest long-term choice.

• Parts psychology
  

Parts psychology is a model that suggests human beings are subdivided into a multitude of psychological parts.  Parts operate on a spectrum of consciousness from fully conscious to fully unconscious.  With the parts model, you may come to understand that a part of you that has its own beliefs has the ability to take over and make decisions for you based on what it believes, which may have a self-sabotaging effect.

If you want to start a business and some part of you believes starting a business is the wrong course of action, that part of you will attempt to get you to act against the goal.

• Limiting beliefs (I can’t, it’s impossible)
  

Limiting beliefs such as I can’t do it or it’s impossible can lead to self-sabotage because when we’re in that mindset, taking positive action may seem pointless. It’s easy to procrastinate or distract ourselves with other things.

• Limited choices
  

Self-sabotage maybe a simple lack of choice.  We may have a limited set of choices, among which there is no viable option.  Or we may be misinformed about the choices we have.

• Lack of personal or interpersonal skill (decision-making, self-expression)
  

If we lack decision-making skills, communication skills, or the ability to express ourselves, we may end up self-sabotaging.  For example, if we tend to make impulsive decisions and have never been taught to make more thoughtful decisions, then we may sabotage ourselves by making impulsive decisions  – or perhaps avoiding making a decision – because we simply don’t have the ability to process what we need in order to go forward.

• Stuck in the past (paradigm – the world is a certain way)
  

We may have come to the conclusion a long time ago that the world is a certain way. Perhaps we learned certain stereotypes about men or women or groups of people.  As adults, we interact with men and women and groups of people. The way that we see them has a dramatic impact on the relationship, so if we’re seeing people in unhealthy ways because that’s what we learned a long time ago it may get in the way of what we want to accomplish in the present.

• Emotional masochism

Emotional masochism is an interesting one because it is so simple and yet so preposterous.  Emotional masochism suggests that we sabotage ourselves because we have a twisted enjoyment of emotional pain and failure.  In other words, we secretly enjoy the misery, the taboo or the drama of it all.

We can often detect emotional masochism when people giggle in the midst of their suffering. Others may smirk a little bit when they’re telling you about their failure. The hidden pleasure behind the self-sabotage often comes out and is rarely challenged.

• Self-fulfilling prophecy
  

A self-fulfilling prophecy is basically something that we expect to happen and play a part in bringing to fruition.  Self-sabotage is often the self-fulfilling prophecy. As we expect things to go badly, that may cloud our judgment and encourage decisions that make things go badly.

Knowing how to stop complaining and actually ceasing to complain are two different things.

In this post will talk about how to stop complaining while assuming you want to stop complaining. For most people, however, the desire to stop complaining is not so clear. It’s as if part of you wants to complain or refuses to stop complaining and another part of you knows it’s better to stop.

This kind of inner conflict is at the heart of so many issues. 

Here are three steps to stop complaining.

1. Recognize when you’re complaining

So many of us complain on autopilot and have a hard time knowing when or where complaining vs. merely expressing the thoughts in her head.  Either way, you’ve got to recognize a complaint before you can let it go.

Merely asking the question are raising the issue is often enough to examine your own behavior however asking a trusted other person for feedback or to prompt you when you sound like you’re complaining can be helpful too.

2.  Know your positive intention

Breaking bad habits is often easier when you recognize the positive intention behind the behavior.  what is your positive intention for complaining? When all is said and done what do you really want?

Some people want more credit for their contributions. Other people want the work to be easier or more efficient when all is said and done what’s the most important thing to you?  often if you focus on that positive intention you can let go of the complaints that often slow things down.

3.  Be willing to look deeper

There are times when complaining is rooted in deeper issues.  For example, you may fear change and complain in order to slow the process of change down.

A friend of mine, Carl, found himself complaining about his family’s new plans to go on vacation. Carl wanted to go to the new locale but found himself complaining regardless. He dragged his feet in making reservations he found fault with just about every hotel or flight that they were considering.

Upon further consideration, Carl realized that he was deeply saddened by his grandmother’s passing.  How are these two issues related? The family had always gone to visit family on vacation. This was the first year that Carl and his new wife we’re striking out to do something they wanted to do without considering the extended family.  But Carl secretly felt that grandma wouldn’t approve of the couple’s new direction.

It wasn’t until Carl realized the hidden issue that he was able to let go of the complaints and get fully behind his new plans.

A recent post on Reddit got the community buzzing about what they felt were the biggest disappointments of adulthood.

Most of the responses were quite heartfelt – many were a bit sad or wistful, some a little angry, and a few to make you fall off your chair laughing. But all of them were, I think, quite relatable.

Let’s take a look at a summary of the Reddit community’s 13 ‘adulthood disappointments’ now:

1. Money

This was probably the most commonly cited disappointment.

For most, it’s the sad fact that money just doesn’t stretch as far as it used to. For others, it’s the manner in which it simply disappears before they’ve even had a chance to enjoy it – from employer to direct deposit to bank to auto-paid bills – without an opportunity in between to touch, hold or relish it the way they used to when they were kids.

Definitely a nostalgia for the way money used to make us ‘feel’ when we had it in our hands as kids, and when it was just ours to spend as we chose. Adulthood brings responsibilities and the reality that all of the money is used to survive and pay bills.

Money isn’t ‘fun’ anymore.

2. Not Being Prepared For Life

The second most repeated disappointment had to do with the feeling of not being adequately prepared for real life and adulthood.

Assuming that the majority of those responding fall into the Generation Y or Millenial age group, their commentary is reflective of the type of parenting that was popular while they were growing up; an overemphasis on feeling ‘special’, a huge focus on self over others, and the prevalence of helicopter parenting.

These respondents felt that they did not have enough autonomy while they were growing up, and that there was too much emphasis and encouragement – from their parents, their teachers, and the media – to focus on themselves. And then suddenly, at 18 they were expected to shift into the adult world of being ‘other’ focused – on career and workplace, their children, spouse, community, social and political issues, finances etc..

The disappointment is an overwhelming feeling of not being adequately prepared for life, and the painful realizations that ‘life isn’t fair’ and ‘I’m not special after all’.

3. Time

Several respondents felt the heavy hand of time as the biggest disappointment of adulthood.

Comments focused on not having enough time (too much spent on responsibilities, work, and chores), and the disappointment of having so little free time to just hang out and enjoy life.

Some also cited the acceleration of time passing as their biggest disappointment and longed for the days of their youth when time seemed to crawl by.

4. Losing Childhood Friendships

The loss of childhood friendships they thought would last forever was a big disappointment for some respondents, as was the challenge of getting together in the first place while juggling new ‘adult’ schedules and responsibilities.

5. Retirement

The myth of retirement was another big disappointment for respondents.

Commenters realize the security of retirement that their parents and grandparents enjoyed simply doesn’t exist anymore. They feel discouraged at the thought of working hard all their lives for financial security, only to be too old to enjoy the resulting freedom. Others worried that they might never attain this financial state at all.

6. Work

A big disappointment was work, both in terms of the quantity required (too much of it, and not enough time off to enjoy the money earned), and quality available (not enjoying work, not finding fulfilling work, or working hard only to see others attain the success and promotions you desire).

7. Freedom

A more light-hearted though still disappointing fact of adulthood for some Reddit respondents was the realization that, just when they were finally old enough to do as they pleased, they could no longer enjoy the freedom of eating/drinking/indulging/sleeping in/playing games as they once used to, without the accompanying recovery, guilt, weight gain, headache and other repercussions that come with it.

8. Lack of Joy & Excitement for Life

This sad comment ties in with the loss of freedom associated with adulthood that many respondents seem to be feeling. The respondent felt they had lost the ability to find joy and excitement in the little things.

Another respondent summed up the disappearance of this childlike wonder humorously by stating “I have not once encountered quicksand.”

9. Becoming Our Parents

Several respondents agreed that their biggest disappointment was the realization that they were indeed becoming their parents, something they once believed would never happen.

10. Relationships

One commenter felt disappointed that their adult relationships were not measuring up to the romantic fairy tales of their childhood, and that they were much more work than they had anticipated.

11. Choices

One respondent felt disappointed about the pressure to choose a life direction requiring some sort of significant sacrifice. For example, do they choose an exciting and adventurous life of travel and taking risks, but possibly end up broke and alone? Or do they settle for a safer, less remarkable life, married with children and a stable job?

In this respondent’s view, adulthood involved making difficult choices that required some type of painful sacrifice.

12. High School Mentality

One Reddit commenter was disappointed to find that the immature, gossipy drama of high school hadn’t completely vanished as they had hoped. They expected to encounter a world of mature adults and instead came to the disappointing realization that not everyone outgrew this type of behavior.

13. Sex

“They said there would be sex.”  Enough said.

Researchers from Simon Fraser University and the University of British Colombia claim evidence that “doing good deeds” helps people relax. Do random acts of kindness reduce social anxiety?

I’d love to believe that such is the case. And if this turns out to be true, it also suggests something a little darker in the minds of people with social anxiety.

Jennifer Trew, one of the researchers involved in this study, said, “Acts of kindness may help to counter negative social expectations by promoting more positive perceptions and expectations of a person’s social environment,” explains Trew. “It helps to reduce their levels of social anxiety and, in turn, makes them less likely to want to avoid social situations.”

Source: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/07/150701114813.htm

The study involved 115 college students with social anxiety. The study group was instructed to perform prosocial acts of kindness on a daily basis. This group showed an overall reduction in the desire to avoid social interaction during the experiment, which led researchers to conclude a causal relationship between good deeds that benefit others and a reduction in primary symptoms of social anxiety.

Is the opposite also true?

One wonders if performing random acts of cruelty would, in turn, increase social anxiety. If this were the case, cruel people would suffer the most social anxiety. Is this fair logic? It may not be.

From a different angle, what do acts of kindness and the subsequent reduction in social anxiety say about how socially anxious people view others in general? Does it say anything at all?

After all, it is the inner paradigm – what the anxious person sees in others – that causes social anxiety. Beliefs such as

• people hate me
• they think I am a fool
• I won’t be accepted

…are the engine that drive social anxiety. It’s safe to say that with social anxiety, how we see others and how we feel are intimately related. Something about serving others with our good deeds and anticipating a positive response leads to a decrease in social anxiety. Does this imply that by default those with social anxiety tend to view others in a more negative light, as judgemental, exacting, or non-accepting?

Just thinking out loud.

Someone commented recently that to accept something you don’t like about yourself is a form of defeat.

When I asked what the issue was, he replied, “I can’t accept my height. I’m too short. I feel like if I were to accept it, I’d be giving in. I don’t want it to matter to me at all. I want to be indifferent around the issue.”

We’re playing with words here, but the central issue in this example has to do with accepting what you cannot change.

We could put acceptance into two categories.

Things that you:

• Cannot change
• Can change

In any of the above cases, is accepting the facts a form of personal defeat?

No.

A defeat means you’ve lost a contest that you could have won. Acceptance is another matter entirely.

Accepting what you cannot change – like your height – is not a defeat because height is not negotiable. You can neither win or lose with this issue because you had no choice in the matter. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use your non-changeable height as a way to feel defeated, as if you had a choice or did something to merit your height as a form of punishment. 

In other words, this could be paradigm-inspired self-sabotage —  in which you’re giving yourself a guaranteed failure. By viewing “accepting” as a “defeat” and therefore “refusing to accept” or “continuing to demand change”  as the path to victory, you might be guaranteeing a sense of failure. In reality, this is not a win/lose situation. It’s just a fact that you cannot change.

Accepting something you can change is not a victory or a defeat, either.

For example, your weight. Within reason, your weight is something you can influence. Whether you choose to influence it or not, accepting your current weight is, again, a separate issue.

If anything, accepting your current weight might help to motivate you toward weight-loss efforts. You may choose to berate yourself for being your current weight.. This indicates a lack of acceptance.

Still, whether or not you move forward to lose weight is a separate issue. Whether or not you accept your current weight, moving forward to lose weight is an option. Acceptance and progress on the issue are separate issues.

The advantage of accepting

In any case, accepting your situation reduces resistance and brings greater peace within. We’re all a work in progress.

Swinging Between The Extremes

I’ve always had a thing for sweets.

Not just any will do: my weakness is for treats that are a perfect combination of fat and sugar. Fudge for instance. I can eat my body weight in fudge, and still go back for ‘just one more piece’.

For the most part, I’ve been able to control my sweet tooth, and generally maintain a well-balanced, healthy diet. But there have been times in my life – episodes, let’s call them – when I overindulged.

Ok, maybe more like binged.

At times like these, the idea of giving up sweets seemed about as reasonable as severing a limb. But as with most bad habits, the euphoria in the moment was always quickly surpassed by the absolute misery that followed. During a sugar phase, I’d struggle with mood swings, irritability, weight gain, digestive discomfort, lethargy and brain fog. And of course guilt. Not fun.

Eventually, I’d hit a breaking point, and decide I needed to clean up my act. Sugar would abruptly become the evil villain in my life, and I’d purge it with the ruthlessness and fervor of a 17th century witch hunt.

Then would follow the intense cravings, the two-week sugar crash, and the constant battle to avoid situations and places where sugar might be lurking to sabotage my puritanical efforts. After some length of time of being rigidly vigilant about my sugar intake, I’d unsurprisingly fall off the wagon, and start the whole cycle over again.

Rinse and repeat. 

Finding the Middle Ground

It took me many long years to finally figure out that finding an acceptable middle ground in the management of my sugar intake was a lot less work than swinging wildly between the extremes.

These days, my diet is 90% healthy, with a 10% sprinkling of things I once viewed as ‘bad for you’, including my old nemesis, sugar. I don’t eat sweets and fudge until my teeth hurt anymore, but I do allow myself the occasional indulgence of a bite of something decadent for dessert. I have a teaspoon of raw sugar in my morning coffee, but I don’t follow it with a cherry cream cheese danish for breakfast.

Most importantly, I don’t allow guilt to tag along when I opt to partake, instead choosing to enjoy my mini-indulgences with complete freedom. I no longer view sugar as the sole source of happiness in my life, but neither do I see it something inherently evil.

This change in my attitude and behaviors around sugar and diet in general have allowed me to focus on far more important and meaningful aspects of my life. I have more energy, both mental and physical, to put towards my work, hobbies and relationships. What was once a stressful and damaging habit has become a simple pleasure that I can enjoy on occasion. 

I’ve found The Tao of sweets. 

Since coming to this realization, I’ve applied the concept of The Tao to many other habits and areas of my life. Cleaning the house for instance – I no longer worry about our home being spotless when guests stop by, nor do I let it slide into a state of total anarchy, both of which require far more energy to maintain than simply keeping things generally tidy and organized. Same goes for finding a work/life balance, seeing friends and family, and exercising.

The middle ground – that reasonable, maintainable, sane balance – is far less stressful, exhausting and consuming, and far more pleasant, than swinging between the extremes.

There is freedom (and fudge) in The Tao. 

What if Searching For Your True Calling is Making you Miserable? 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the emphasis being placed on finding one’s true purpose or calling in life.

Seems like everyone is doing it, or at least that’s the message we’re bombarded with on a near constant basis. Judging by the number of people claiming to have found theirs, or giving 5 simple steps to finding ours, or telling us how much our lives will suffer if we don’t find it, you’d think we’d be a much happier bunch by now. 

But I think for many of us, all this pressure to discover and follow some singular magical talent or purpose is actually making us very unhappy. While I understand the underlying premise behind the well-meaning advice, I believe it to be incorrect, or at the very least incomplete. 

What’s the Big Deal About Purpose?

Let’s begin with the language. The word purpose is a tricky one; the way it’s used in relation to a person’s life imbues it with unnecessary weight. Finding one’s life purpose somehow implies that one’s value resides in how useful one will be, and in what lofty contributions one will make to humanity.

Nothing wrong with being useful, and certainly nothing wrong with contributing in a big way. These are noble pursuits, and those who aim for them often make the world a far better place.

But what of those of us who, by way of circumstance or birth are unable to do so? And what of those who out of necessity or choice live a simpler life, perhaps as a janitor or factory line worker, or a stay-at-home-parent. Do their contributions matter less because they have not discovered their one, epic life calling? And are they by definition less happy?

Just One?

The other issue I have with the concept of finding one’s true calling is the suggestion inherent in the phrase that a calling is singular, that each of us will somehow discover our one lone mission or lifework, and thus feel complete.

To begin with, most of us do not have just one inclination. Often, our interests and passions change as we grow and mature. Many very successful and happy people follow multiple callings and engage in several careers throughout their lifetimes. Does this mean they have not yet found their true calling?

And what of those who discover and follow their life calling from an early age, only to discover at 50 that they are in fact deeply unhappy? We all know people, famous or otherwise, who have single-mindedly pursued their life calling, only to find that in doing so, they have sacrificed relationships, freedom and many of the simple pleasures of life. How many people confuse calling with talent, relentlessly pursuing a career as an olympic athlete or world-renowned artist or musician, only to realize that the two are not synonymous?  

Cultivating Passion and Meaning

I’d like to propose that our purpose as human beings is simply to be, to exist as ourselves, and to experience life through our unique perspective. In that regard, we are all fulfilling our life purpose, and are by default contributing to humanity through our presence alone.

I’d also like to advocate for the possibility of multiple callings throughout a person’s lifetime. Rather than searching and striving for a single purpose or mission to define us and give our lives significance, I suggest following the many breadcrumbs of our interests and talents, cultivating them and letting them lead us to our passions. Having zest and enthusiasm for our lives is an essential component of joy, and gives value and substance to anything we choose to spend our time on.

The person who smiles at a stranger, who lovingly cooks for their spouse, or who takes their dog for a walk everyday is having a positive impact on the well-being of our planet in small but deeply meaningful ways.

Meaning is profoundly personal, and can be cultivated and attached to anything we do in life, not just those ambitious, grandiose activities and accomplishments that our society deems worthy. We can choose to find meaning in everything we do, and thus create a life that is deeply fulfilling and gratifying.

Rather than straining and stressing to identify your true calling and why you haven’t yet found it, your time and effort will be much better spent cultivating excitement and enthusiasm for everyday activities and hobbies, finding joy in simple pleasures, and feeling satisfaction in even the most mundane and seemingly insignificant tasks.

Only by cultivating delight and passion for what we are already experiencing right now can we hope discover and create a life of deep meaning and fulfillment.