Our Life Upstate

Different Is Not Bad

2012-01-28T07:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am going to write this one last post talking about our new discipline philosophy. I mentioned briefly that we are treating Kenzie differently. And that our therapist thinks that is okay. That her seeing this compassion is healing in and of itself. But I want to talk about the real reason why it does not even occur to me to treat her the same way.

See, when something does not go Makenzie's way she starts screaming. And screaming. And screaming. The more attention she gets from us the more it escalates. The more dangerous it becomes. The times she has truly hurt someone during a rage generally come when I am trying to not send her to her room for screaming. But if I let her stay in the room with everyone else she just gets more and more mad. She does more and more to get a reaction. One time, a few months ago, she walked across the room and kicked Deanna, who could not even crawl at the time, causing her to roll until she was stopped by the couch. In that moment I knew that I could not allow he fits to turn into rages.

So, no I'm not going to pull her into my lap when she starts screaming. I am not going to try to hug her. Because the quickest way to turn that screaming into a full blown rage is to try to make physical contact with her. Giving her an audience is a slower way to get to the rage but it will still get us there.

Lately, the first thing I do when the screaming starts is I tell her it must stop. That she is not allowed to scream and cry (I kinda hate saying "no crying" but it is what it is). Period. She is not allowed. And RAD kids do well with rules. So, if the rule is she is not allowed then she can't do it. This works sometimes. Although it is recent. I have gotten creative with my consequences for continuing to scream. When all else fails and the screaming does not stop I pick her up and put her in her room with the door closed. She throws herself around. She gets louder. She hits the wall. She kicks her crib. She eventually calms down, or falls asleep. Then I go in, I hug her, we talk, we fix anything that needs fixing and she can go back to playing.

So, yes we are very strict and very non-lovey with her when she has a "fit" and we are over the top lovey with the others when they have a "fit." Yes, we are treating her differently. Yes, we are giving each of them what they need. Different is not bad.

It Doesn't Come Naturally

2012-01-27T00:24:00.000-05:00

The decision to stop punishing my kids for throwing temper tantrums is a good one. I have seen it do great things for the kids. I have seen the way it makes things easier. I have seen their stress levels go down. I am committed to it. I know that it is right for us at this point. Our therapist said she thinks this is a great plan. That not only is it good for the others but it is good for Kenzie too. Not because we are treating her the same way (that would be a disaster) but because she is watching it. Kenzie sees the others getting this love and she sees that it is what they want when they are upset and she is learning that this is what happens in a family. And that when she wants that same affection and love and caring she will get it too. Because that is what mommies and daddies do. They love their babies.

So, of course, I am "all in," as they say. However, I have to say that it is not easy. When I tell the kids to clean up and I'm pressed for time and the baby needs me it is hard to see the underlying factors. It is easier to get annoyed with the fit. I have to check myself. I have to remember that the fit is just a symptom of what's wrong. It is not the problem. I have to square my shoulders and pull Sean or Mikaela into my lap and hug them. It always feels better when I do this. I feel so guilty when I am unsuccessful. I am successful more then I am not but sometimes I am fail to be the parent I want to be for them. I am confident that as time goes on this will become second nature. That I will feel love and compassion more then I feel frustration when they are having a bad day. That I will recognize their pain. I also hope that in time their pain will be less and that they will have learned to come to me and Michael and get what they really need.

And so my Aloha Friday question for this week is what things do you want to do (or not want to do) in your life but find that they do not come naturally?

Never Again

2012-01-26T13:43:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago Michael and I decided that we needed to respond to our children's cries differently. In recognizing that the other kids are truly affected by the things that are going on in our family we also need to recognize that we have to parent differently. That we need to recognize that they are experiencing high levels of stress in their lives. Which means that when something goes wrong they really cannot take it. They are not being ridiculous. They are bubbling over with emotion. And it needs to be addressed. It needs to be seen. It needs to be heard. We need to recognize that emotion. We need to help them cope with it. We need to let them know that that emotion is okay. That it is acceptable. That it is valid.

For a long time we have met their cries with frustration. We have accused them of just "throwing fits." We did not recognize it as real emotion. We saw it as a way to get out of doing what they were told. We have said for a long time that Mikaela is just "prone to fits." We have wondered what in the world happened to Sean. He did not throw fits when he was younger and now he does. We have seen this as a sign of our own failure to be strict enough. Our own failure to have consistent enough rules and our failure to punish them severely enough when they do not follow those rules. But that is not the case. They do not need more rules or more punishment. They need more compassion. More love. And so that is what we are giving them. Never again will I let Sean or Mikaela cry without holding them. Without loving on them. Without giving them all the understanding that they need.

Will they still have to clean up their toys? Of course. Will they still get in trouble sometimes? Of course. Will they still have rules and expectations? Of course. But never again will they have to deal with it alone. Never again will they be left cry and throw themselves around because the idea of cleaning up is too much for them. No, they can get hugs and love and affection until they are ready to do it. They can sit in our laps and get out the emotion. Knowing that we are there. Knowing that we care. Knowing that we recognize the things that are hard on them. Because that is what they need.

I have seen it work already, too. I have felt the stress seep out of their bodies when I let them come and get hugs. I have seen them manage to think more clearly afterward. I have seen them feel better. Truly better. I have seen them change. Mickey has already started coming and saying. "Mommy, I need to sit down and get a hug and a kiss" when she feels upset instead of throwing a fit. Sean has come and snuggled with me more in general. Because they can. Because they know we see them. They know we are there. They know we value everything about them. And so never again will I tell them to go through their fit where no one has to watch.

Aside: For those of you who are wondering - I did not include Kenzie in this new mantra not because her feelings are not valid but because for her the only way to come down from those emotions is to get some time for herself. Her needs are different and so I will meet them differently.

In Between Meals

2012-01-25T00:06:00.000-05:00

This look infuriates me. It is the look I get at the end of almost every meal. It says, "I no longer need you. I don't have to be nice to you anymore. I am done with you and I dare you to try to get me to do anything."

Or at least that's what it feels like it says. And that's how she acts. Once a meal is done she will no longer talk to me. She will not do a single thing I ask her to. She will stare like that. Sometimes she will scream. Then she will switch back and forth from screaming to staring. Until she sees or hears me preparing for another meal and then she is cute and sweet again.

My Book List

2012-01-24T07:27:00.000-05:00

Right now I must admit I am not reading very much. I want to read more. I miss reading but I feel I NEED to read about RAD. I need to read more about how to help. Read more therapy strategies. But then I feel like I cannot take anymore RAD. No more talking, no more reading, no more thinking about RAD. But, of course, I cannot get away from it. And ignoring it is absolutely no help. And so I find myself somewhat paralyzed. And when I find I want to read I often choose to make new things. Learn new sewing techniques. Perfect old ones. I feel less guilty about that then I do about reading something "frivolous."

So, what is on my nightstand right now? Well, mostly attachment books. I think that I am eventually going to own all of the ones that are out there. I still have a lot to go but I keep picking them up. Trying new ones. I have a few I read awhile ago. But I'm off on a tangent. At the moment I am in the middle of Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child, Attachment-Focused Parenting, and Nurturing Attachments. All three are partially read. The first I sort of read here and there. Skipping the things that just do not apply to me. That are not where I am at. The other two are both half read. The other two I have started, gotten frustrated with and started the other, then gone back to the first, and so forth and so on. I want answers. I get frustrated when I feel like the book does not have the answers. And so I move on and then come back. So both are in progress. So far I both like and dislike both of them. If I find I truly like one I will write about that another time.

I want to read The Trouble with Alex. It was recommended by another mom with a RADling. It is next on my list. I do allow myself a little bit of frivolity during the time I lie down with Mickey at night. Michael received an iPad for Christmas and I downloaded a book I have been wanting to read for a few months to iBooks. And I have yet to read it on the iPad but I do read it on my phone which is synced. It is Harry Potter and History . I love the Harry Potter series. I finished it months ago. Michael and Sean are just finishing book six. I did not want to read it for a long time. I resisted it. But I once I started it I was hooked.

Disclosure: This post has affiliate links in it.

I Did Not Listen To My Gut

2012-01-23T02:20:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about the things I did not see. The things I overlooked. The things that I should have known. The ways that this attachment stuff would have been easier to fix early on. I look back now and I see it so clearly. I really do. It was all there. If I only knew then what I know now we might have saved her. We certainly would have saved our family as a whole a lot of heart-ache. I will say in response to yesterday's commenter that I did NOT cause her problem. She had RAD when she got here. Maybe I could have helped sooner. Maybe I would have done everything that I wish I had done and it wouldn't have mattered. I don't know. I can't go back and change it.

However, I do want to say that I missed a lot. Right from the start. I also did not listen to my gut. So many things made me uncomfortable and yet I let other people (mostly my husband but the greater societal attitude as well) convince me nothing was wrong. I suppose it was mostly denial that made me listen. No one wants something to be wrong with their kid. It was easier to believe I was worrying over nothing. That the attachment would come. That I just had the "good kid" that everyone else thought she was. I mean even my husband did not see it. I must have been making it up. But I wasn't.

So, what should I have seen? Well, I should have seen that her refusal to fall asleep in the bed with us was a problem. I should have seen her hatred of being carried was a problem. I should have seen that her rejection of nursing was a problem. I should have seen that her HUGE preference for Michael was a problem. I should have seen that her rejection of me was a problem. But I explained each one away.

She wants to sleep alone because it's what she is used to. She sleeps so well. She never makes a peep. She's such a good baby. She prefers the stroller to a carrier because she wants to see everything. She likes to say hi to people. Isn't she cute? She's such a good baby. Nursing is much harder then bottle feeding. She likes her bottle. Look, she even holds it herself. She's such a good baby. She's a Daddy's girl. He finally has one that likes him best. That's so sweet. She's such a good baby. She's the kid everyone talks about. The one everyone tries to turn their baby into. She's such a good baby.

And with Mikaela I tried to force her to be who she wasn't. I tried to get her to sleep alone. I encouraged her to wean early. I worried constantly over whether I held her too much. So, I put her down a let her cry more then I should have. And then I learned. I learned to let her be who she was. To listen to what she was asking for. To be there when she cried. To stay until she was asleep. To hold her when she needed me. And so when Kenzie asked for something else I thought I was respecting her by giving her what she asked for. And so that is what I did. If I had known then what I know now I would not have listened to her. But I did listen. I respected her. Because I did not know enough to know that her brain was ALREADY damaged and she needed the exact opposite of what she asked for.

Back Off

2012-01-22T08:45:00.000-05:00

We are a hockey family. It defines us. It eats up a lot of time. Two days a week we all gear up - Sean in his equipment and the rest of us in all the warm clothes we own - and head to the rink. On a typical practice day we leave the house at around 4:30 and don't get home until after 7pm. On the weekends he typically plays two games per weekend. One of those games will most likely be an away game and often those will take us even further from home. So, hockey is a big part of our lives. Hockey mom is definitely a big part of my identity. Hockey dad defines Michael and all three girls are absolutely hockey sisters. We are a hockey family.

You would think this would imply that games and practices are fairly easy on us. Alas, this is not the case. Mickey has days where hockey is easier on her and days where it is more difficult for her. When Michael and I are clear and consistent with how much we read/play with her while at the rink it is easier for her. She tends to go back and forth between snuggling in Michael's lap and playing with the other kids. There are some other kids she likes better then others. So, depending on who else is there she can spend more time playing or more time sitting in Michael's lap. Kenzie, on the other hand, cries more or less every time we are there. Every practice and every game. She cries. And cries. And cries.

The other day we were at a game an hour from home. We had driven all the way to the game, gotten out of the car in the parking lot when we realized that we were missing Kenzie's coat. We happened to have a sweatshirt in the car. So, I grabbed that and put it on her. It wasn't perfect but it was a warmer (not meaning that it was warm just that it was not the coldest) rink and hey, the sweatshirt went all the way to her feet. So, her legs got some extra warmth. She was fairly amused at the sweatshirt. So, we headed into the game doing fairly well even with the misstep.

We sat down and watched the first period. I don't know if Kenzie had found something to focus on, if she was holding onto the amusement of wearing her dad's sweatshirt or if it was something else but she was holding on. She made it all the way through the first period without losing it. She was not happy (she rarely is) but she was chilling. She was just standing there staring at the game. I don't know if she was watching but she was looking in that direction. Standing there, not crying. And it was so pleasant to get and watch the game without her screaming. It looked like we might even make it through the whole game this way. She was not doing any attention seeking behaviors. She was not doing anything. She was just chillin'.

And then about halfway through the second period another mom from the team came up. I guess she could not take it anymore. I don't know. She brought a blanket over, wrapped her arms and the blanket around Makenzie and asked if we wanted to use her blanket. Michael, who was sitting closer to Kenzie at this point said no and pushed the woman's hands away. She repeated the offer of a blanket and this time directed it to Makenzie. When Michael said no again the woman put her face closer to Makenzie's and forced Kenzie to make eye contact with her. At which point Kenzie immediately broke down. Started to cry. As soon as she started to cry the woman walked away. Kenzie proceeded to cry for the rest of the game.

Plenty of people will say that the woman was just trying to help. I am more cynical I guess because I say the woman was just trying to make herself feel better. That she wanted to be the hero and give us a blanket and make our whole lives better. Because, ya know, it is that simple. But either way the truth is that what she did was hurt. She hurt Kenzie for the rest of the game. As it turns out for the rest of the day. Kenzie was never really able to come down off of that. She even had a harder day the next day and while I won't say that it was entirely this woman's fault she certainly did not help. But more than that whenever people come over, whenever they come and try to "fix it" they are reinforcing what Makenzie already feels. She already feels that Michael and I are incapable of taking care of her. She already feels that pretty much anyone in the world can do a better job. And when people come over and try to "fix" whatever they think the problem is at any given time they tell her she is right. That her parents cannot care for her and that she needs to try as hard as she can to get the attention of the adults around her so that they will rescue her from her evil parents that cannot take care of her.

So, BACK OFF PEOPLE!!! Back off! You are not helping. You are doing more damage. Do not try to pick my child up. DO not try to put her in your lap. Do not try to give her a cookie. Or a blanket. And ya know what? Don't just back off my kids and my family. No, back off everyone. You can't know when you offer that kid a cookie or a hug or anything else if you are doing more damage. So, just stop. Just back off (FYI - in my head that sentence has a few choice words added to it)!

A Little Break

2012-01-21T07:57:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I took Kenzie to a friend for a few hours so I could take the other kids out. When I asked Sean where he wanted to go he said he wanted to go to a bounce house at one of our malls. It was a good choice, really. Definitely a place I would normally say no to. Kenzie would never be able to go to a bounce house. Physically it is too difficult for her. And emotionally it would be melt down city. So, I figured we should go. And we had so much fun.

It started out with Sean having to help Mickey a lot.

But once they got their groove there was jumping and bouncing.

The best part of the bouncing is the falling!

Mickey made a friend. A boy friend. Check out here flirty girl smile at him!

Deanna chilled in our Ergo but when she got down this was the face she offered Sean.

Seeing these two have fun together was the very best part!

Did I feel guilty? Yes .... and no. It was good for them and I was glad to be doing something that was good for them. It felt "wrong" to be doing something without her. On purpose. Just for the sake of doing it without her. But it was needed. The hard part was seeing how easy life could be. Seeing how much easier it was to keep Mickey from melting down. To see how easily both of the other kids took not getting what they wanted. I had said no to plenty of requests. The hardest part, though, was what happened when we picked Kenzie up. Well, really I saw a small change in Mikaela as soon as I said it was almost time to go get her. Nothing major. She was a little whinnier. Asked me to stop and sit and give her a few extra hugs and kisses. But at the time I did not even notice it. I might not have ever realized it if Sean hadn't had the incident he did. The whole drive to go get her everyone was quiet. That's not unusual. I am not a big talker while I am driving so they were just hanging out. As soon as I put Makenzie in the car Sean had a complete melt down. Crying, over the top, completely incapable of handling anything. He just fell apart. And really did not calm down until he and I were able to spend sometime snuggling on the couch after we got home. That was so hard to see. The stress in him was so hard to see.

Advice Comes From Everywhere And Everyone

2012-01-20T00:12:00.000-05:00

As parents we are given lots of advice. All. The. Time. It starts with the doctors who have lots of advice about our pregnancies. Then lots of advice about the baby. Then our mothers, our mother-in-laws, our sisters, our aunts, our cousins, our friends. And they all have lots of advice about both pregnancy and then the baby. Then the nurses in the hospital have lots of advice. Then the pediatrician. Lastly the elderly ladies who stop us at the grocery store. And they all have advice. Lots of advice.

Often times each person's advice will be different. And contradictory. So, we have to take what works for us and leave the rest. In time there will be people who we ask for advice and those who you tune out the minute they start speaking.

A few weeks ago I was visiting with my sister and I told her that I am going to do my very best to not give her unsolicited advice. To not tell her how to parent her own child. To not act like I know better then her about her own kids. And I'm going to try. I also told her that I may not be successful and she should feel free to tell me to butt out when she doesn't want my opinion. Because the truth is that it can be hard to get other people's advice out of your head. Which just makes parenting a whole lot harder then it should be.

And so my Aloha Friday question for this week is a two part question. What piece of advice has been your favorite and which has been the one that is just NOT for you?

I Am NOT Putting My Baby Down To Cry

2012-01-19T08:01:00.000-05:00

There is a school of thought that says that keeping Makenzie with me at all times will be the most helpful. That treating almost like an infant will teach her to trust. That I should wear her all the time - pretty much every second that I am not lying down - and that we should co-sleep and all other matters of typical "attachment parenting" techniques (a somewhat amusing and highly accurate name in this case). Aside from the fact that she will HATE this (which, the philosophy says, is just the proof that she needs to do it) the problem with this philosophy is that I have a baby. A baby who needs to be held, who sleeps with me and nurses on and off throughout the night, who needs to be close.

Now, some moms of RAD kids have advised me that I should focus on Kenzie and let Deanna be unhappy if necessary. That Kenzie's needs are greater. That Deanna will bounce back because we are here. Because she has parents who love her. Because she was not separated at birth. Because she is already seven months old and can now accept that life might not always be what she wants. So, put her in a crib and if she cries, well, she will get used to it. Put her in the stroller - use the double one and let Mickey sit with her and try to appease her cries for Mommy. She does not NEED me the way Kenzie does.

Well, ya know what? I say "Screw that!" I have one kid who's brain is royally screwed up because someone put her down and let her cry. There is no way I am going to do that again. As a matter of fact I am on a mission to stop and listen to all of my kids' cries all the time. That, however, is still a post for another time. The point is I am not putting my baby down to cry. I am NOT. I don't care what "expert" someone read that said she will bounce back and Kenzie needs it more. Nope. I'm not letting the other kids be screwed up by this disorder anymore. I'm just not. I have had enough of that.

Inside myself I am raging against the ways that they are hurt by this. And so I am certainly not going to do something like put my seven month old down to cry it out. Nope. Not gonna happen. Luckily, we found a therapist with a different plan. One that is workable for us. I hope her plan helps. I hope the things she has us doing will work. I really do. I am putting my trust in her because she is an expert. But when it comes right down to it - I will not sacrifice one (or more) of the other kids in an attempt to fix this. It does me no good to fix Kenzie just to have Deanna end up feeling like no one cares for her. And maybe the people are right - maybe she won't get RAD. But maybe she will have no self esteem. Or maybe she will simply feel unloved or unwanted. And I will not allow that.

It feels like we, as parents of a child with RAD, are always being asked to choose between the kids. Either help the one with RAD or help the others. It is a really tough place to be. And we are doing what we can. We are trying our best. I hate the feeling of choosing between them. I hate RAD. I hate it!! And I will not let the other kids lose anymore because of it. I will not.

First Snow Day Of the Year

2012-01-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

Being homeschooled my kids don't get real snow days. We tend to do school work with or without snow. When their homeschool activities are canceled they tend to be disappointed. Last Friday was no different. They were upset that our co-op was cancelled. Even Daddy being home did not appease them. The snow on the other hand did make them happy. They could not wait to get outside and play in it. We discovered that Sean did not have boots so he worse plastic bags around his socks and his sneakers. He was very impressed that this trick kept his socks dry and warm. Once they were bundled up they went outside and played in the snow.

I just love the way he looks so amazed with the snow. Just picking it up and throwing it around.

"Mmmmm....snow is yummy," Mickey says.

"Don't throw snow at me, Sean!"

"Uh!!! Then where can I throw it?"

"Throw it on Buster."

"I'm ready to go inside, Sean"

"Aww.... thank you Sean for getting my Minnie."

Linking to Small Style - Both of their snowsuits come from The Children's Place. I love the coats there because they last from fall through spring. The outer part makes a light weight coat and the inside makes a zip up fleece sweat shirt.

I am also linking to You Capture because these pictures certainly say cold to me.

I Sit and I Listen

2012-01-17T08:27:00.000-05:00

I sit and I listen to them. I listen to their interaction. I cringe. I laugh. I cry. I continue to listen.

Sean is antagonizing Kenzie. If he keeps going Mickey will start to repeat him. I know I should stop him. I know I should tell him to talk about something else. I also know that he is relieving the stress that he feels because of the way Kenzie acts. I know I need to find a better way to let him relieve his stress. I wonder what he can do? I wonder if he could write it out? Does he know it consciously enough? Or is buried in him? Should I try to pull it out? Or leave him be? Which is healthier? What does he need? What do I give him ? What do I allow? What goes too far? It's got to be okay for him to say he's upset with her, right? It must be. But she's going to start screaming. I don't want her to be screaming. I want her to be happy. Or at least what passes for happy. I want her to not be screaming. But I know he has to get it out.

What do I do? What do I do? How do I balance? How do I take care of each of them. I sit and listen. I cringe. I wait for the screaming. I listen for any statement that is just mean. Or bullying. I listen for anything that is unfair or untrue. He sticks with a combo of really kinda deep honest statements and a few silly things. I don't get involved.

He walks away to come and find me. He snuggles into my lap. I can feel the frustration in his little body. I hug him tighter. I sit and I listen. To the sound of his breath. To the sound of the girls discussing their food. To the sound of my own heart. I sit and I listen. And I cry.

I am joining in on just write this week.

It's No Good

2012-01-16T08:19:00.000-05:00

From day one getting Mickey to sleep alone has been impossible. People complain that I don't let her cry it out. From day one Mickey has wanted to be held A LOT. People warn me if I don't stop she will NEVER outgrow it. When Sean was a baby people criticized the amount I held him. Or how much he wanted to be with me. People said I had better do something. If I let him latch onto me like that in his baby years he would never grow to be independent. Deanna sleeps in our bed. She nurses on and off all night. And I just bet you can guess what people say about that! Yup, I better stop it before she can remember she did it or she will NEVER sleep in her own bed. If I don't watch out she'll be one of THOSE kids who nurses until she is Gasp! A toddler!! Oh no!! :)

Kenzie on the other hand was always a "good" baby. She slept by herself. As a matter of fact she happily went into a crib no matter how awake or asleep she was. She never asked to be held. Was always happy to be in a stroller. Never needed attention from us when she was playing. Never asked us to do anything with her. She happily played all by herself.

For two years Mickey has fallen so short of being a "good" baby. Or even a "good" kid. She is too needy. She wants too much attention. She asks to sleep in our bed. When she wakes up at night and is scared she calls out for us. We go some place and she wants to sit in my lap or asks me to read a book. It frustrates even me. Kenzie on the other hand will play for HOURS all by herself. She never asks me to read her a book or to play with her. And everyone talks about how "good" she is. Everyone thinks she is the perfect kid. Who doesn't need anything. Who entertains herself.

The thing is she is not the perfect kid. And Mickey is not a bad kid. But whatever. People can think what they want. They can all wish they had a "great" kid like her. Whatever. They don't know anything about our lives. However, the problem is that I didn't see it. I did not see the issues she has because she was a "good" baby. To be praised, To be excited about. To wonder at the amazement of how "good" she was. Because she was all the things society told me all the kids should be. And while I do know better. I know that it is not "bad" that Mickey does not want to lie down to go to sleep alone. I know it is not "bad" that if Sean has a bad dream he comes to find Michael and I and get hugs until he feels better. I know that just because they do these things now it does not mean that they will be incapable of living normal productive lives.

In fact the truth is that they are normal. They are developing properly and when I meet their needs I am encouraging proper development. I know that and yet the things that society says about how babies "should" be still rang in my ears. And I let that keep me in denial. "No, nothing is wrong with her," I would say. "She is just a typical kid. Sean and Mickey are just needy kids. It's fine that she plays alone like that."

The plain and simple truth is that babies, children really, are not independent creatures. They do not sleep alone naturally. They do not play alone naturally. They prefer to be held. They want to be close. And it takes us ignoring those needs, ignoring their cries, teaching them that we are not coming, to get them to accept doing things on their own. I used to think all the people who said that letting a baby cry it out changed their brain were crazy. But they are right. It IS changing their babies' brains. It is! And it is not good. It is not good to be teaching our children that we won't come. Or more than that - teaching them that they don't need us. Teaching them to be more independent then they naturally are is just no good. It screwed up my girl's brain. People ignoring her cries taught her that she is not safe if she relies on someone. People not holding her and not playing with her taught her that she cannot allow anyone in. That she is independent and that she does not need anyone.

So, I say forget societies rules. They are SO wrong. And I will take a "needy" kid over an attachment issue any day.

Love Is .....

2012-01-15T06:48:00.000-05:00

Love is a verb. I've heard that expression in lots of different contexts. Most commonly when someone says that just because a person says they love another person doesn't mean they really do. Love is a verb. If someone loves you they ACT like they love you. He treats you badly. He doesn't really love you. She is not there for you. She won't compromise for you. She doesn't love you. Love is a verb.

Love is also a choice. I just told my sister that when we were discussing marriage. Sometimes love is a choice and not a feeling. That sometimes when you are married you choose to love the other person even when the feeling is not very strong. That sometimes that choice is the difference between a life together and a life apart. The feelings get lost in the everyday sometimes. They get lost behind all the little things. But if you choose to keep going they come back.

But what if they aren't there? What if the acts of love is all there is? What if the emotion does not follow? What then? Marriage always starts with love but motherhood.... motherhood doesn't. In my case motherhood decided with a decision. A decision to have another child. A second child. I decided I wanted more. I researched and I prayed. I planned and I dreamt. I filled out paperwork and I waited. I decided to have a second child.

And then I was pregnant. With my second child. My second child was coming. What now? Do we go forward? Do we go for a THIRD child? We have enough love. Love grows the more people there are to share it. And so we move forward... that journey is a post for another time. We move forward and before that child is ever in my home I am totally in love. I am in love before I have seen the picture. I am in love before I have thought about this specific child.

But when reality comes the love is .... lacking. First it is lacking from her. I have known the love was lacking from her for a very, very long time. I have known that her attachment was not there. And little by little my attachment to her has lessened. And the love? Well, if love is a verb then I must love her. Because I do all the things that she needs me to do. I work hard, everyday, at being her mom. At doing for her. At giving her more then I feel like I have. I do what needs to be done. I certainly ACT like I love her. So, if love is a verb I must love her. And everyday I choose to do what needs to be done. I choose to be there when she needs me. I choose to do the hard things. Even when I hate the things that need to be done I still choose to do them. So, if love is a choice then I must love her.

But I don't feel it. I don't feel the same love. I don't feel for her the way I feel for the others. With Sean I just love him. I don't really choose to do it, I just do it. I do things for him (sometimes more then I should) because the love comes in and I want him to be happy. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to force myself to do it. I just do it. I love him. And it all comes together. With Mickey it's the same. Deanna too. I do because I can't help it. Love is active. Love is instinctual. Love is without thought. Love is all encompassing. Love cannot be denied. Love is..... just there.

You Don't Know What That Means

2012-01-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

.....Why does it bother me when other parents use CIO? Because the idea of a child crying for love and attention and those cries being ignored by the mommy who is suppossed to soothe the child is absolutely heartbreaking. Not to mention MY child will eventually have to be out in the world with your children and it freaks me out that your Ferberized emotionless detached child is going to crucify my sensitive child who has never had to shut down emotionally to sleep....

This comment (well, excerpt from a comment) was left over at Baby Rabies the other day. The original post was about sleep training. I don't really want to get into the sleep training debate. I will say - for the record - I am against anything that has a child, at any age, left to cry alone because mom and dad are choosing not to come to them. If you are asking me if you should do it I would say no. If you tell me you are doing it and that it is working for you I might cringe a little but hey, I KNOW that each mom does what is best for her family. I will also admit that I commented on the post to say that there is a consequence for this type of treatment when taken to the extreme. That EXTENSIVE neglect of this type leads to what is going on with Kenzie. Jill and I had a respectful conversation and we walked away both feeling respected and heard. At least that is how I walked away and from the things she said I believe she walked away the same. I would call that a good discussion.

I should have left it alone at that point but I was absolutely astonished by the nastiness of the comments. And when I read this one I refused to respond. Because I was so mad. As in MAD! I suppose it is because this person is speaking about something they do not know. She is spouting words that have no meaning to her. She has no idea what being an "emotionless detached child" is like. She has never, I'm guessing, actually seen a child who shows no emotion. Who has been truly harmed by being left to cry in a crib. Few people have. Few people know what it is like in the trenches of this. And for her to use those terms and act all high and mighty pisses me off.

I suppose it is partially because I don't want to be seen as the same as her. Or maybe it is because I feel she has no right to talk about this. That I know what this is and she is clueless. But it is also because it diminishes what it is. I told Jill that one of the reasons I felt the need to comment (somewhere in the 90s if you don't want to read through all the comments) was that it was sort of like defending Kenzie. It, obviously, won't change anything for us but it was a small way I could defend her. But what this woman is doing is saying what? That any baby who has been sleep trained is going to be a bully? That they will pick on her sensitive child? That is the worst that could happen in her mind. That is the worst? The worst?! No, I can tell you the worst. I can show you the worst. I want to shake this person and say I will show you an emotionless detached child. GRRRRR....

Oh and just for the record go look at Jill's adorable baby girl. Notice the way she looks at her family in the first picture. The way she is looking around to see how she should react. To see what everyone else is thinking. And then the smile! Oh that happy smile! With the eyes looking at someone (mom or dad most likely) off camera. That is not the face of an emotionless detached child. My poor girl? She has the face of a detached child - she's not really emotionless. Goodness knows sometimes she has A LOT of negative emotion. She rarely has positive emotion but she is not emotionless. I suppose that just goes to show even more that this woman does not know what she is talking about. Being left to cry for extended periods of time does not make you emotionless. It makes you mad - go figure!

Just Eight Years?

2012-01-13T01:15:00.000-05:00

Puberty is a big thing. When I think of girls going through puberty I think of them being somewhere between eleven and fourteen. I think of them being almost ready for what they are dealing with - but not quite. I think of them being tweens, not kids. I think of them being a little excited and maybe a little embarrassed about their developing breasts. I think of them as being a bit freaked out and then extremely embarrassed by their first menstrual cycle. Of course, when I picture MY girls starting puberty I picture them being 35. :)

In all seriousness I envision them being older. Much older then they are now. Much older then Sean is now. But, apparently, that is not always the case. According to a study published in Pediatrics (a peer review journal) in 2010 14.9% of all girls were starting to menstruate by age seven and 27.2% of all girls were starting by age 8. That's so young. I mean, like, insanely young. It breaks down to have higher or lower percentage based on race but just those statistics are scary enough for me.

Now let's add in the nastiness of the disorder my kid has. Promiscuity is a symptom. According to Jay Belsky "...babies who didn't smile, vocalize, and reach for mom (signs of secure attachment) started puberty earlier...when times are tough, nature kicks in to start puberty earlier, because it ups the chance of a person mating and having offspring before it's too late." Oh great! And she is African American making her in the highest percentage - 42.9% of all African American girls are starting to menstruate by age 8. Oh crud!!! That's only 5 years away. And once she starts to menstruate and puberty starts to set in ..... well .... oh boy!

So, waiting is no good when it comes to this topic. Not for anyone, really but especially not for me. Because it is coming before I know it. Before I will be ready. And so I need to think about things. What do I want my girls to think and feel about their journey through puberty? What do I want my girls to feel about menstruation? What should they know before they get there? What do they need to know going in? And when? And how? According to an article in Pediatrics in 2008 "more than 40% of all children have intercourse before any discussion about sex..."That's scary. And what about the care issue? The hygiene? Tampons? Pads? Disposable? Cloth?

And that is where education will come in. I need to be informed about sex and teens. About how to help Kenzie from giving in to what may be her first instinct. About signs of puberty. About menstruation. About TSS - that is toxic shock syndrom and is caused by tampon usage. I didn't know about this - even that it existed - until very recently. So, on this Aloha Friday, my question to you is when did you start menstruating? I'm really hoping that you can all make me feel a little better about this. Please God do not let my girl have only five years left of real childhood.

And please join the folks from You Are loved over on Twitter today at 2pm Eastern time. They host a monthly twitter chat - #periodtalk. You can get all the details here.

What We Must Overcome

2012-01-12T08:11:00.000-05:00

It's the physical contact that she doesn't like. It's the fact that she doesn't trust me the way the others do. It's the frustration that lives inside her at all times. It's the lack of proper attachment. It's the way a few minutes of fun can end in tears. It's hard. It stinks. It's what makes the smile on the faces of the others so much more. More wonderful. More important. More ..... Just more. It's what we are working to overcome.

For those of you coming here from Small Style - Let's see. Makenzie is wearing my Hello Kitty Dress with a shirt from Target that I got last Spring and tights from Walmart that used to be Mickey's. Mickey is wearing a pair of Old Navy jeans that used to be Sean's. The long sleeve shirt came from The Children's Place and the short sleeve shirt she got from her dancing school. Deanna is wearing the Kermit the Frog outfit I made her with a white long sleeve shirt from Kohl's. Sean is wearing a pair of dress pants from JCPenny (that I am so glad you cannot see in the picture) and a long sleeve shirt from Old Navy (believe me when I say if I had seen those pants before we left the house he wouldn't have been wearing them but oh well).

God's Promise

2012-01-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

I was looking through pictures the other night. It was a tough night. At the end of a difficult day. When I saw this I was reminded that God is looking after my family. I don't know the plan. It may not be an easy plan. I might not like the plan. But He has a plan and in the end it will be okay.

Linking up to Wordless Wednesday.

January's Kids Picks

2012-01-10T09:28:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I have joined the folks over at 5minutesforbooks for a link up. I have missed them though. And I hate that I can't look back on them and see what books have been favorites to my kids. I love to read and I seem to be passing that love on to my kids. Sean and Mickey can sit for HOURS and listen to books. Sean reads every night before bed. Some nights I catch him up REALLY late reading because he got so into a book he couldn't put it down. Deanna likes to be read to - she doesn't really care what it is. She has books she likes to look at. Kenzie does not seem to have the attention span to listen to books. Which is sad. And feels like just one more way that she does not connect. Sigh!

So, what are their current favorites? Sean got a nook Simple Touch for Christmas and so he has been doing his reading on that lately. He only has a handful of books on there so far. But he did get the newest Magic Treehouse book - Abe Lincoln at Last! - on it. It was so cool because we preordered it and all we had to do was download it to the device and we had it the day it came out. I never make it to the store to do that. And he was so excited that he got the book THE DAY IT CAME OUT! :)

Mickey received the book Tap-Dance Fever for Christmas. She loves this book because it is a non-ballet dance book. She loves dancing and she loves dancing books. However, the only ones they ever have at the book store are ballet books. Even at dancing school all the books are ballet books. And she likes ballet but she likes tap dancing better. So, this book is perfect for her.

Deanna likes just about anything. Even newspaper or magazine articles. She does not seem to care what you read to her. One of my favorites for this age is Hey! Wake Up! I actually love pretty much everything Saundra Boynton does. I love all of her books. They are cute and fun. The pictures seem to interest all of the kids.

I Was So Afraid

2012-01-09T07:29:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what to say about last week's therapy session. It was both good and bad. She was better than I expected her to be. I was afraid of what she would say to us. I was afraid of what she would have us do. I was nervous that she would tell us to sacrifice the others. That since Kenzie's problems were so big that they mattered more then the everyday lives of the others. I was scared that when she said that Michael would jump on board and I would be left failing everyone. I was so scared of this I didn't even want to go. I did not want to hear that at all. I knew I would not do that. That I could in no way do LESS for the others. And I was sure that she would say I had to.

But she didn't say that. She did say that the other kids were being traumatized. That their behaviors are a sign of the trauma they are experiencing. That the fact that both Sean and Mikaela throw fits when things get to stressful is a sign of what they are going through. This was in some ways very very hard to hear. It is what I have known for awhile now but still very hard to hear. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want this to be affecting them. I want them to be okay. And it makes me upset to hear that they are hurting. They are so stressed it is seeping out of them. They can't handle it so much it affects their behavior. I hate that truth. It makes me feel so inadequate.

On the other hand it was good to hear. To know it. To understand it. It gives me permission to do MORE for them. To prioritize them as well. To sit back and evaluate what they need. To realize that while consistency is good for all of them and will help the big kids don't need stricter discipline. They DO need more patience and understanding from us. They need extra hugs, extra kisses, extra love, extra.... just extra. They need us to be spending non-RAD interfering time with them. They need us to pay more attention. To listen better. They need us to make this less traumatizing.

And so it is time to find a way to get that time with them. And so I am going to start getting a sitter for Kenzie one day a week and doing something with the other three. I don't know what we will do. Maybe we will do the same thing every week and maybe we will do something different every week. Maybe we will just go to the library and read books. Maybe we will go to the zoo or the museum. Maybe we will go to the mall. Maybe we will play at a playground. Probably some of each of those things. And more. But a break from the trauma will be good for them. Some extra attention will be good for them. Being a priority will be good for them.

P.S. We were given things to do for and with Makenzie - I'm just not ready to talk about that yet. It's big and emotional and ..... I'm just not ready.

Foreverizing

2012-01-08T06:25:00.000-05:00

There was a discussion going on on one of my RAD mamas groups about depression and PTSD for the mom of an attachment challenged child. A few suggestions were made. A few symptoms were discussed. Vitamin D was recommended. A few other things. Situational depression is common.

One of the symptoms that was discussed is foreverizing. Feeling like the badness of the current situation will never get better. Feeling like there is no hope. Feeling like nothing and no one can help. Supposedly that is a sign of depression. And means that medication and treatment should be considered/implemented.

The thing is I talk to moms who have been at this for five/six/ten/twelve years and they seem to be in the same place that I am. Not emotionally. They seem to be more accepting of the reality of this disorder. They say things like "yes sometimes or even all the time it's unfair to the others but you do the best you can." They accept the hard things, the rages are normal. They expect them to come. They are able to keep everyone from being (physically) hurt. But the rages still happen. Less often but they still exist. They still come. The behaviors are still there.

And so I wonder - am I foreverizing my situation or am I seeing the reality of our situation?

Dear Lady Behind the Counter,

2012-01-07T08:32:00.000-05:00

I was in your store the other day. It had been a rough day. I had a headache from listening to an over two hour screaming fit. I was very tired because the baby had a cold and had a lot of trouble sleeping the night before. I did not want to be there. I know I looked awful. I was doing the best I could. I was only there because I had no other choice.

Mickey was in the back of the cart half standing half sitting on the edge of the cart. She does that a lot. When Daddy is with us he tells her not to. I try to always tell her not to but on days like that I forget to even notice. I have no energy to worry about things like that. I know I am being unfair to her. The next time Daddy tels her not to do that she will be frustrated. It does not make sense to her that she sometimes can and sometimes can't. But I do the best I can.

You took one look at her and told her to sit down. I was embarrassed. I knew I shouldn't have been allowing it and when you pointed it out I was embarrassed. I know you were probably thinking you were helping. I know you looked at thought, rightfully so, that I was having a rough day. You most likely thought that my child would listen to you better then she would listen to me. Lots of kids will do that. I know that. I told her she had to sit - because she is not the child who will listen to you better then to me. She knows that nothing counts as instructions until I (or Daddy) tell her to do it. She sat down. I was embarrassed. Not only I was I doing a crummy job that day but I was doing SUCH a crummy job that someone else actually pointed it out to me. I must really have been failing.

And then you said, "I can just see her tipping over and falling. I just wouldn't want her to get hurt." And then I was completely ashamed. Apparently, I was not just irresponsible but I was also either too stupid to know that my child could get hurt or I didn't care. So, I was embarrassed and ashamed by you. Some of that is on me. I take things like this way too personally. I feel it in my gut. I know you were just trying to help. Maybe you were even a little embarrassed that you had told my child what to do. Maybe that is why you offered up that explanation. But it still shamed and embarrassed because of it.

As I was leaving the store the kids stopped to look at something. I tried to hurry them out the door. The stalled. I still had a headache. I was still very tired. I still did not want to be there. I still looked awful. I was still doing the best I could. The kids headed out the door and I quickly grabbed there hands to prevent them from running into the parking lot. Another mom stood in front of the door blocking our path until I had everyone. She smiled and said, "I've so been there." And I felt a little less like a failure. She offered me help and kindness. And I appreciated it

How Did You Know?

2012-01-06T01:28:00.000-05:00

With Christmas having just come (and gone) there has been a lot of talk about Santa in the last few weeks. A lot of talk about which kids believe and which kids don't. A lot of talk about how they figured it out. And how we, the adults figured it out. Hearing people's stories of how they figured it out always interests me. It seems both logical and illogical that anyone ever figures it out.

I have a very distinct memory of the moment when I knew. And when I knew, I KNEW. There was no going back. Nothing could convince me. I was three (yeah, I know insanely young, right?) and it was just my mom and me. My parents had been divorced since I was about one and a half. Maybe my dad had come to see us on Christmas the year before. I don't know. So, maybe it was literally the first Christmas without him. Anyway, I woke up and woke my mom. We went into the living room and opened presents. It felt like a very long time that we were opening them but I was three so it could have been very short. When I was all done opening presents I looked at my mom and asked her what Santa had brought for her. She stared at me blankly for a minute and then said that Santa had brought all of her gifts to my grandparents (her parents) house. And in that moment I knew. I just knew.

And so my Aloha Friday question this week is How did you or your kids figure out the truth about Santa?

My Ten Favorite Pictures of 2011

2012-01-05T08:06:00.000-05:00

It is rare that I am able to get a decent picture of Sean out on the ice. So, I certainly prize them when I do.

I just love this picture of the three of them together. They are all so happy in this moment.

They were having such a fun time this day. I remember watching them from inside and thinking I really need to get my tired, uber-pregnant butt outside to take pictures. And I am so glad I did.

This picture was taken by an awesome friend, who served as our doula, just moments after Deanna made her arrival.

I just love the look of wonderment on Sean's face in this picture.

This was at Deanna's baptism. That is my brother and sister, Deanna's Godparents and literally my two favorite people who do not live in my house. I miss them terribly all the time but I am so glad I get to call them brother and sister. I am very blessed to have them.

Deanna was just two months in this picture and I just love her little face. Just hanging with Mommy. All wrapped up, comfy and secure.

This picture was, obviously, taken in Disney World. It was such a fun moment. Thumper and Miss Bunny were so enthralled with Deanna. So much so that the lady who was there to keep the line under control had to tell us to leave - TWICE. The first time Thumper followed us. :)

We were waiting for dinner with Cinderella when we went outside the hotel and found this beach. The kids had a great time playing. And I happen to think this is a beautiful picture of Mickey.

This picture was taken a week or so ago. I just love it because they look so sweet sleeping together. I wish I could let Deanna stay asleep like that but it's not really safe - especially since that is the top bunk bed. The empty space in the middle was occupied by me just before this picture was taken. :)

Linking to You Capture

Squared

2012-01-04T00:04:00.000-05:00

There is a blog that I like a lot - Adventures in Babywearing - that posts a picture of her four kids every month on the fourth. I have loved that idea for over a year now and every month I consider doing it and now I finally am. I hope Steph doesn't mind me stealing her clever idea. :) This is my kids shortly after dinner on New Year's Eve.

Linking to Small Style this week - Kenzie is wearing a Muppets shirt from Target and a pair of Old Navy jeans. Sean is wearing a Transformers shirt from some store that Michael's grandma shops at (I have no idea) and the Transformers jeans I made for him. Mickey is wearing her My Little Pony dress and Deanna is wearing a Wonder Woman shirt and a pair of jeans both from Old Navy.