Onion Uttapam - India's Leading Satire Daily

Austerity - Mukesh Ambani Ishtyle!

2009-10-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

Anything our government can do, India's richest man can do it better. Recently in news for voluntarily deciding to take a hefty 66% pay-cut, Mukesh Dhirubhai Ambani has set a personal example of moderation. Not one to rest on his laurels, Mukesh Ambani is keen to take his austerity drive on an entirely new orbit. Yesterday evening at a press conference held at his company headquarters, Ambani announced a series of measures that will set new standards of austerity making him Asia's most austere billionaire.

"Our government has taken admirable measures to curb wasteful expenditure. In my view, not just ministers even corporate heads should travel economy. Taking a leaf out of our government's austerity drive, I've decided that from now onwards me and my wife will only travel by economy class. I'm going to create a special economy class in the luxury Airbus 319 jet that I had gifted to my dearest wife on her birthday. I, my wife and my kids will only travel using this section of our private jet." said Mukesh Ambani.

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Liverpool FC is no more

2009-10-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

n what has turned out to be the most shocking news of the footballing world, the public has been informed on 10 October 2009 that Liverpool FC passed away while making hay in the deserts of Saudi Arabia. Since the unexpected end came in the oil land of Arabia, the funeral has been held as per Islamic norms and it is rumored that good old Liverpool was given a farewell under the Arabic name of Al-Liverpool bin futbool (which our in-house linguistics expert decodes the name as Liverpool the son of football). The death has send shock waves in the soccer world while good old Tommy and Georgey (the co-owners of the now deceased Liverpool FC) is still waiting for the Vodka order in the Al Drunk bin Drunk bar in Saudi Arabia to pour out their emotions.

[Editor's Note: Before we gone with this rather exclusive news, the editorial team would like to inform you all that due to the excessive cost of printing charges and the freelance writer’s exorbitant writing charges per word, the article will be addressing Al-Liverpool bin futbool as LBF]

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Nobel from Hell!

2009-10-11T00:37:00.000-07:00

With the over whelming success of natural catastrophes and full fledged wars, it was always going to be tough to find the true hero, the man who would stand against it all and challenge the odds to be the One and only one saviour a.k.a the survivor.

It is never easy to select and honor that one special individual. It takes more than just experiences in life and achievements on the earth to select and recognize the amazing talents of such a great survivor. So was the case on the dawn of 9 October 2009, the Nobel Committee was in complete disarray, the Vodka was long gone, the chairman was searching for the nominees list and there was no water in the toilet and the only cigars left were just 4 wrinkled dicks. It was then the Committee decided that they leave it all to people who have more than just experiences in life and achievements on the earth and so as the sun rose from the east, the new members of the Nobel Committee took their places:

Joseph Stalin (The Chairman): An extraordinary leader with a highly evolved below-par human sensitivity. The true and loyal ambassador of the GULAG Trust.
Golda Meir: A very soft spoken Jew. Humbled by her achievements. She never made a move against any person or nation during her tenure in politics. She is the loyal servant to the now defunct Operation NukeBayonet.
Pol Pot: A God fearing man with superb economic and social visions. A dedicated and loyal Khmer Rougeian citizen.
Alfred Nobel: A man who had no intentions of harm but dynamited his charm. A super brain and now all set to become a spoil sport. He was the founder of the recently deceased Nobel Prize Committee and now just an ordinary member of the reconstituted committee.
Gavrilo Princip: The odd man out. A great visionary who loved the Archduke and a true patriot. He is the loyal mascot of the PDCC (Post Dated Cyanide Consumption) Victims.

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Obama wins Ig Nobel Prize in Chemistry for inventing Placebo Piss

2009-10-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

After winning Nobel Peace Prize, US President Barack Obama has collected another shining medal to his award collection. He was awarded the Ig Nobel prize in chemistry for inventing 'Placebo Piss', a new type of piss that flows not from the urinary tract, but from the mouth of the pisser. At the award ceremony held at Boston, Obama was awarded the honor for his remarkable ability to generate piss from his mouth and also for pissing off many millions around the world by winning Nobel Peace Prize without doing anything substantial in his initial months of presidency.

Also called as Pretense Piss, Pseudo Piss, Mouthful of Piss and Hot Piss, it is sometimes misspelled as 'Peace' which could have been one of the reasons, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee made the historical blunder and awarded him this year's Nobel Peace Prize.

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Jupiter's Moon Europa to bomb Earth

2009-10-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

News from the beyond: (Translated from Eubberish by Babelfish Intergalactic Translation Services): Europa, Jupiter's fourth largest moon and sixth largest moon of the solar system will bomb Earth to confirm existence of oceans on our planet. Earth's North Atlantic Ocean will be bombed next week which might trigger a dreadful Tsunami and kill millions in USA, Canada and Northern Europe.

The inhabitants of Europa were convinced that Earth has oceans after their spacecraft, observed on earth as a UFO by a fisherman in a fishing trawler near the shore of Quebec region in Canada, took some cool pictures of the Atlantic Ocean. "We have observed big patches of greenish-blue on the surface of Earth with a strange, uneven rising and falling pattern that looks like waves of an ocean. In order to confirm that what we captured on our cameras is indeed an ocean, we will have to create a big, huge wave, a gigantic splash that will displace water up to 20 kilometers deep into the green-blue surface." said Aedimos Eskeoodres, head of Europa Space Agency (ESA), Europa's premier space agency founded by Europeans, a race of Jupitereans that migrated to Europa, many moons ago, after discovering water on the planet's fourth largest moon.

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TOI Editor: Let me educate you about ribosomes

2009-10-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hey people, do you know what a RIBOSOME is? No? Are you absolutely clueless about the properties of this RNA-complex which produces life-regulating protein? Well, as editor of India's leading newspaper, I think it is time you, dear reader, gets some education on protein-producing ribosomes. Why do I need education on ribosome and not on lysosome, centrosome, vesicle, cytoskelton, cytoplasm, vacuole, endoplasmic reticulom or golgi aparatus, you might ask if you are a gawky nerd who spends all his spare time studying biology of a typical eukaryotic cell.

Well, for one, a brown guy like you and me with a name that you can pronounce more easily than a white guy, has discovered something fascinating about this sub-cellular component of an eukaryotic cell that has fetched him top prize in world's annual chemistry awards. Isn't that a good enough reason you should know what a ribosome is?

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Karan Johar: I apologize for apologizing

2009-10-03T03:25:00.000-07:00

Karan Johar, in news for his controversial apologizing to Raj Thackeray, is not done with apologizing. In an exclusive piece for onionuttapam.com, he apologizes to one and all for everything he has done in his life. It is highly likely that during the next filmare awards, he will deliver this apology speech instead of the usual 'Thank You' speech.

Dear Friends,

Ever since I apologized to Raj Thackeray for blasphemous usage of 'Bombay' in place of 'Mumbai', I've received much flak for bowing down to his diktats, for my cowardly yielding to his unreasonable demands and for tendering an apology. Reading hundreds of mails, SMS and tweet messages, I realize that what I did was wrong. It was stupid of me to apologize to Raj Thackeray, and for that, I apologize. I apologize to all my fans and well-wishers for apologizing to the MNS chief. Please forgive me for my act if your sentiments were hurt because of my apology.

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Guy finally succeeds in becoming 'first' commentator

2009-10-01T05:40:00.000-07:00

21-year old, Niket Shah finally succeeded in achieving his lifetime ambition of becoming the first commentator on an article posted on a popular facebook page of a popular website. Although his highly original and innovate comment 'firstish' missed the top position on the comment section, Nikit is proud that his comment was posted at the same time as that of Billy Taylor whose equally original comment 'first' beat three other competitors who finished commenting at the same time on that article.

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Maharishi Valmiki's Twitter Home Page

2009-09-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

Shastri appointed sex coach for Indian Cricket team

2009-09-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

I can not stand it any more, said Gary Kirsten.

Wassup coach, asked we.

All this sneaking out to the poolside, the kitchen after I go to bed, said Gary.

So what's wrong? Boys will be boys, said we.

I am gonna make it official, said Gary

Make what official Coach, asked we.

I am going to ask them to have sex and loads of it before every important match, said Gary

But have you forgotten what happened to viru, Gautam and now, Yuvi? asked we.

I heard that Viru tried to carry a retired bar dancer on his back and he dislocated his shoulder said Gary.

You heard right but what actually happened was that Viru wanted her to do the belly dance on his shoulder, said we.

He is a strapping lad from the land of Kama Sutra, nothing wrong is it? said Gary, scratching his bald pate.

Nothing wrong but he aggravated his shoulder after his wife bashed him up when she came to know, said we.

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Ministers to go on foreign tour to study austerity measures

2009-09-23T01:15:00.000-07:00

In a bid to bolster its austerity drive, the government of India has set up a parliamentary standing committee consisting of cabinet and state ministers which will recommend measures for increasing austerity in all ministries and central government departments.

After a two-hour long meeting held today, the parliamentary committee which met for the first time after being conveyed, announced that it will send all cabinet and state ministers on a special foreign tour of 41 countries to study austerity measures in these countries. After the end of the two-month tour, the committee will meet again and formulate recommendations for increasing austerity based on the suggestions of the committee members.

The committee rejected criticism by assembled media journalists that the foreign trip was ostentatious in nature and a waste of tax-payers money by pointing out that precepts of austerity will be maintained and followed by the parliamentary delegation even during the two-month long tour.

The chairman of the parliamentary committee, External Affairs Minister, S.M. Krishna, said "We are totally committed to austerity and there will be absolutely no compromises in our effort to reduce wasteful expenses even during the study tour. In view of the government's focus on curtailment of excess consumption, all ministers will travel only by economy class and stay only in lowly 5-star accommodations instead of 7-star hotels."

The minister also said that in order to further cut costs, every minister will be allowed to travel with a personal entourage of only five aides instead of the usual seven.

Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee said that the government was very serious about introducing austerity in every expanse of governmental spending. "After the launch of the austerity drive by the government, the sensitivity of ministers towards wasteful expenditure has increased several fold."

The Finance Minister gave examples of how members of the standing committee spoke forthrightly against possible wasteful expenses during the tour. "We decided to limit the study tour to only 41 countries instead of the initially-proposed trip of 71 countries after some members of the committee objected to the inclusion of many north European countries in the tour initiatory. Members of the committee felt that extreme cold climate of these countries during the next few months will curtail the productivity of the delegation."

There were loud guffaws amongst members of the press, when a journo wisecracked "It will cost Indian tax payer a lot of money to keep the Indian government in austerity."

Pokhran-II: Much ado about big fucking explosions Pokhran-II: Much ado about big fucking explosions

2009-09-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Discarding all complicated jargon, casting aside all technical complexities, tossing out all irrelevant details, onionuttapam.com deconstructs the momentous events of May 1998 when two warring subcontinental neighbours decided to wake up and shake up the world by creating big fucking explosions.

Time: 13th May 1998.
Place: Pokhran, Rajasthan
Event: A big fucking explosion down under (actually 5 small explosions, but at onionuttapam.com we rarely stick to facts)

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Law student backs away from his plan to build nation

2009-09-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

22-year old, Yashwant Chavan who is a law student and resides in Nagpur has decided to climb-down from his earlier plan of dedicating his life to the task of nation-building. He will now now focus all his energies only on the task of body-building, according to his friends.

Yashwant was inspired to dedicate himself to the task of nation-building after listening to Prime Mininster Manmohan Singh's speech where he had urged the youth of the nation to re-dedicate their lives to the task of nation-building. But six months later, Yashwant finds himself unable to motivate himself to do any fruitful task that will help build the nation. "I'm almost broke. I don't have either a job or a girlfriend. If I can't even build my career or a stable relationship, how will I build the nation? I think I'm better off trying to build something more easier. I've been working out strenuously at gym for last few months and should be able to build my body if I keep at it. The task of nation-building can wait for now." he said to his friends.

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Surprise test on 'How to be Happy' leaves students unhappy

2009-09-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

A surprise class test on creative essay writing for class IX students at Holy Mary Holy Jesus High School in Mumbai resulted in heartburn and unhappiness amongst the entire class. Ironically, the topic for the essay was 'How to be Happy?'. Mrs. Sheela Patkar, who teaches English at the school surprised the students by announcing a surprise test on essay-writing. But when she handed out the results of the test the next day after evaluating the performances of her students, it left most of the students upset, distraught and deeply unhappy.

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Gujarat cops kill sacked Jet Airways pilots in an alleged fake encounter

2009-09-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

Ahmedabad: Gujarat Police today gunned down the two Jet Airway employees who were sacked by Jet Management for forming a union claiming they were undercover Lashkar-e-Taiba terrorists who were under a secret mission to destabilize the country. At around 7:15 PM, a party of Gujarat cops surrounded a car in which the pilots were travelling and told them to surrender. When the pilots tried to flee the scene, they were shot down by the cops.

Gujarat Police spokesman said they suspicions arose when they heard Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goel complain that striking Jet Airways pilots were behaving like terrorists holding the country, passengers and airline hostage. "We suspected that the two pilots who were responsible for inciting all other pilots could have been part of an international conspiracy involving Pakistan, China and LeT. When we checked the record of these two pilots we discovered they had flown to countries like Oman, Qatar, UAE and even Saudi Arabia. At the Jeddah Airport, the two were seen sharing a cup of coffee with two Arab men and two Chinese men. We have reasons to believe that the Arabs & Chinese men were LeT operatives and Chinese spies. According to the information we have received these two pilots were bribed by them to destabilize India by reintroducing unionism in India."

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Poor people who can't afford cars help India sell more cars than China

2009-09-08T04:56:00.000-07:00

Here's some good news! India has overtaken China in selling more cars to the rest of the world. India whose auto market is a mere 19% of China's auto market, is exporting more small cars than China. In other words, for every 5 people of Chinese origin only one Indian can afford to buy a car, but we now sell more small cars to non-Indians than Chinese sell to non-Chinese. And that makes us better and greater than Chinese!

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Over 60 Politicians die of shock, commit suicide

2009-09-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

Over 60 politicians, all of them sitting Members of Parliament from Lok Sabha & Rajya Sabha either committed suicide or died of shock after learning that over 2,00,000 farmers all over the country have committed suicide during the last decade. Attending a presentation on India's agricultural crisis, arranged by Save Our Peasants, an NGO working to help debt-ridden farmers deal with their problems, many members of parliament came out of Parliament looking dazed and disoriented.

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BJP leader says party will survive as long as hinduism

2009-09-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

Prominent BJP leader, Murli Manohar Joshi today in exclusive interview to onionuttapam.com said that obituaries written for BJP were a bit premature and that the party would survive as long as Hinduism continues to survive in this country. The professor of physics who was also a high-ranking minister in Vajpayee's cabinet reminded detractors of BJP that Hinduism is the oldest surviving religion in the world and the only pagan religion that has survived the modern age of monolithic religions. "A political party that is based on the vile(s) values and principles of the oldest religion in the world can never die" thundered Joshi.

Joshi said that the present controversies surrounding the party were insignificant and would not in any way damage the long-term health of the party. "Our sickular media which doesn't appreciate or understand our inglourious glorious Hindu culture is making mountains out of molehills."

"All BJP leaders including dissenters have been heavily inspired by Hindu gods and our epic heroes. Their actions are completely consistent with the actions of our mythological heroes and they should be judged by the standards of our ancient Hindu culture and not by west-inspired liberal culture promoted by our media."

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India's aborted moon-mission: Let the conspiracy theories begin

2009-08-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

India's moon mission has terminated abruptly with Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) losing contact with Chandrayaan-1, India's first lunar space probe. Since India has a long history of aborted space probes, there is nothing surprising in the premature end of the mission, but what is unacceptable is the lack of crazy conspiracy theories built around this sudden loss of contact.

Every space mission concerned with moon has always attracted loony conspiracy theories, which is again not surprising since moon has been long associated with madness. It is quite surprising that India has escaped the 'lunar affect' which could be due to our media's obsession with Humpty Dumpties in Blunderland or perhaps because of low glamor value of ISRO compared to the famed NASA, dream destination of every sky-gazer.

We need our very own desi conspiracy theories to explain the tragic abortion of Chandrayaan-1 moon mission. Was it due to technical reasons alone or some manevolent forces were responsible for stealing the satellite from us? Here are a few loony theories that I've developed after looking up on the net for moon related conspiracy theories.

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ASI, Nanotechnology Association to sue Tata Group

2009-08-29T03:41:00.000-07:00

Close on the heels of Tata Sons filing a case against travel website oktatabyebye.com for infringement of their TATA brand name, International association of Nanotechnology (IANANO) has filed a case against Tata Motors for use of word 'Nano' for its new model of economy cars. INANO has contended that Tata Motors have no rights or legitimate interest to use the word 'Nano' which according to the association should be used only for technological products or gadgets that use nanotechnolgy.

In a statement released to press, IANANO has contended that Tata's Nano car doesn't use nanotechnolgy, which is a system of transforming matter, energy and information on nanometer scale i.e atomic scale. A typical nanotechnolgy devices measures less than 100 nanometer (One nanometer = one billionth of a meter) in size. 'Clearly, using the word 'Nano' for a vehicle that is only slightly smaller than a regular small car is a gross violation of the scientific meaning of the word' the statement said.

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Scientists predict how man will evolve in future

2009-08-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

If humans are still evolving, how will our specie look like in a millennium should we survive whatever environmental and social surprises are in store for us? Will we become larger or smaller, smarter or dumber? How will the emergence of new diseases and the rise in global temperature shape us? Will a new human species arise one day?

Paleontologists, biologists and evolution scientists who have studied the changes in humans since pre-historic times are unanimous that human body will undergo several changes in the near future. A team of futurologists consisting of biologists, anthropologists and paleontologists have designed a blueprint of a future human based on the likelihood of future environmental and social changes our world will undergo in the next few hundred years.

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How Diseases Are Invented - The Story of the Suicide Gene

2009-08-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

(This article is an extract from Jon Rappoport's 'AIDS Inc - The Scandal of The Century')

One night, instead of the evening news, I propose airing a fantasy, a fable told by a voice like Rather, Cronkite, or perhaps, better yet, Leonard Bernstein. A narration to an on-screen cartoon: Boys and girls, forthwith the story of the suicide-gene.

In several big cities across America, simultaneously seventeen carpenters have committed suicide. This takes a while to discover, of course. But computers, digesting facts of police inquiries all over the country bring this odd fact up. And, of course, it is an odd fact. Why should this happen? No one can answer that.

But right away a search commences for the cause. One enterprising researcher, Doctor X, has a pet theory. He's nursed this for years, has written articles about it, has garnered grant monies, has headed up investigative teams. The teams, though, don't actually go out into the field and paw over crimes, they study human genes in a lab in Maryland.

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Sequel of 'Guru' in the offing?

2009-08-24T04:48:00.000-07:00

There seems to be no end to the internecine Ambani gas-war. With things heating up all sorts of nasty rumors are floating in the air. There are also talks of a sequel being planned of Mani Ratnam's 2007 hit 'Guru'. We rummaged the net hoping to find some information on the proposed sequel. To our pleasant surprise, we discovered a draft copy of the script written for the sequel.

Unlike the original movie which was drama allegedly based on the life and times of Polyester Prince Dhirubhai Ambani, the script of Guru-II appears to be an out-and-out comedy mirroring the comic battles of the two Ambani brothers presently embroiled in a wind-breaking conflict of gassive proportions. Here's a sneak preview of the movie script, which may never get made considering the power and hold of Ambanis and their previous record of suppressing truth about them.

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Isn't Salman Khan such a genius?

2009-08-18T00:10:00.000-07:00

One of the big advantages of being a celebrity is that you become an instant authority on every subject having developed a genius-like perception on matters that are far too complex for ordinary mortals to arrive at a quick and easy judgement. Take Salman Khan for example. Responding to news about Shahrukh Khan's detainment at New Jersey airport, he said that its good that U.S has such a tight security, due to which there have been no attacks after 9/11.

Onionuttapam Expose: Pharma Cartel May Soon Unleash Donkey Flu & Bullshit Flu Virus

2009-08-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

If you think that you have had enough of swine flu madness and that after frequent promising-moon-but-leaving-you-with-a-worthless-mound (i.e. foretelling millions of deaths but supplying only few hundred corpses) bouts of worldwide pandemics, the world will become immune to prognosis of germ-caused disaster and doom, you are wrong. More planned pandemics are coming your way, courtesy Mad Scientists Inc, subsidiary of US Military, Pharma Cartel Corporation and WHO (World Hysterocatalepsy Organization). Deeper in the pipeline are two new influenza-causing virus strains to be referred as Donkey flu and Bullshit flu virus, which will soon be unleashed on the world after the hysteria over swine flu dies a natural death.

Onionuttapam.com has learned about the secret plans of mad scientists working in secret underground laboratories after interviewing the Austrian journalist, Jane BurgerMister who has filed cases against WHO, UN and several high ranking government and corporate officials for unleashing bio-terrorism in order to profit from the resultant panic. The Austrian journalist apart from discovering evidence that leading pharma groups planted bird flu and pig flu viruses in several countries intending to profit from selling antidotes, vaccines, flu masks, testing kits etc has also found out that mad scientists are working on creating new strains of viruses to create more mass panic in the near future.

According to the journalist who had met some of the scientists working in top-secret underground laboratories, these mad scientists are having a ball, laughing at the utter cluelessness of billions who buy their lies about the dangerousness of their lab-created viruses. "We deliberately choose funny names for the flu's developed due to our designer viruses that mimic popular swear words and insults. First we gave you MAD-cow disease, then we released FOOT & MOUTH virus, next we gave you CHICKEN Flu and now it is SWINE Flu. But except for a few, most people still haven't got the joke. So now we are moving to even more audacious-sounding names - Donkey flu and Bullshit flu." one of the mad scientist told Jane BurgerMister.

BurgerMister told Onionittapam.com that these underground laboratories have been storing hundreds of different strains of viruses since last century which are periodically released first in animals and at a later stage amongst humans. WHO, an organization which was created by the cartel, is then used to generate panic by raising pandemic levels and predicting millions of infections and possible deaths. Clueless governments and media soon follow the lead and help create mass-hysteria which of course translates into billions of dollars of new revenue streams for drug and vaccine companies.

As per the plans, initially donkeys will be infected by new strain of virus which at a later stage will pass on to humans causing a condition that will also be called Ass or Anal flu. The symptoms of this flu will be severe itching in the anus and experiencing severe burning sensation in the buttocks. A highly contagious virus, it will transmit from one person to another through farting or releasing gas. Once humans are infected by the virus, and few of the infected - suffering due to poor immune system or a severe underlying health condition - die after detection of this strain of virus in their body, as per the usual formula, their deaths would be labelled as Donkey or Ass flu deaths. WHO will then press the panic button. On cue, local governments and medical authorities will advice people to stop farting in public places. People will be told to eat less, and chew their foods properly to enable proper digestion of food and reduce their chances of releasing gas or farting. After the spread of the virus, people will asked to take even more precautions. Since this virus strain will be highly contagious, underwear and normal pants would be deemed as not hard and impenetrable enough protection to prevent the virus from escaping the anuses of the infected during release of gas or farting and so, people will be instructed to wear added protection like Baby Diapers, either inside or over their pants.

And of course, in such a scenario, toilets will be the most likely places where people will get infected. Hence people will be instructed to keep their toilets clean and will be told to remember to use flush after cleaning their bowels. A likely benefit of the hysteria, especially for Indians, will be that local governments would be under tremendous pressure from citizens to ensure that public toilets are kept clean and sanitized. As a result of the panic, it is likely that all governments will undertake a toilet cleaning drive and for the first time in the history on the nation, we might see public toilets that are hygienized, ultra-clean and highly sanitized. Another benefit of the hysteria that we might see will be banning of shitting in public places and strict enforcement of such a ban. If the mass-hysteria over donkey flu continues for a sufficiently long period of time, we might begin to see first signs of India's transformation from a dirty, filthy unhygienic third-world country to a second-world country.

A year or a two later, bullshit virus will be let loose on the world. As the name suggests, this virus will be thrive inside excreta of bulls and be contagious enough to spread through air or water. Millions of people, especially those in third-world countries like India, where cow dung or bull excreta is commonly found in public spaces like roads, will be at severe risk of being infected by this virus. But, as usual, majority of those who will be contaminated by the new strain of virus would be infected as a result of bullshit spewing from the mouths of television anchors on news channels, from highly exaggerated, panic-inducing headlines of newspapers, from retarded pronouncement of ministers and government officials and of course, from the mouthpieces and shills of corrupt, greedy medical establishment which will continue to lie, exaggerate, distort facts and peddle ineffective, dangerous drugs or vaccines as remedies for non-existing diseases.