Onion Uttapam - India's Leading Satire Daily

Pakistani Government Officials Become Comedians In Wake Of Bin Laden’s Death

2011-05-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

by Samvit

In a move that did not surprise many, all the people associated with the governance of Pakistan suddenly turned into stand up comedians. Taking advantage of the massive interest that was generated after Osama bin Laden was temporarily sent to hell, government officials started responding to media enquiries by cracking jokes at a press conference.

When asked how the world’s most wanted terrorist was able to make a home in a huge mansion that lay right next to a military installation, the Prime Minister seemed to get livid and shouted “How dare the Americans violate the sanctity of our sovereignty?” This was met with roars of laughter that rang throughout the room. He quickly added, “See what I did there? I poked fun at my country. Only the most secure people can do that. That was a non-sequitir by the way”, he gloated. “It means that the ending is different from the beginning,” he continued as he spoiled everyone’s trip just as they were falling into a laughing fit.

“But seriously,” said Gilani as he produced a coin from behind President Zardari’s ear, “we had no idea who bin Laden was until I saw the news. I immediately rang up my ISI friends and asked them who this bin Laden was and why his death was so important that it was splashed all across the media.” he said as he put his hand into Zardari’s shirt and removed a length of handkerchiefs tied to each other, presumably as an attempt at prop humor.

“Any other country that would ever act on assumption that it has the right to unilateralism of any sort will find as far as Pakistan is concerned that it has made a basic mistake, and countries will face disastrous consequences if they carry out such operations,” said Foreign Secretary Salman Bashir with a straight face, only pausing to smirk when he thought no one was looking. “Especially India” he said as everyone burst into fits of manic laughter, eventually bringing part of the roof down onto these government officials who died instantly.

In other news, Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh has just passed away. He was 79. While the cause of death is yet to be determined, people close to the issue say that they found him laughing and breathless in front of a TV just before he died.

Man kills Bigfoot, dumps body in ocean

2011-05-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

Sam Clune, a 43 year old resident of Quail Valley in California, today killed Bigfoot, the mythical pre-historical apelike cryptid believed to be dwelling in the forests of Pacific Northwest regions of North America, during a moose-hunting trip near Samoa Peninsula, California and dumped his body in the Pacific Ocean.

Clune was camping at Samoa Dunes Recreational Area along with his wife, when he saw a sasquatch holding seaweeds in his hands disappearing across the highway into the woods from the beach.

Immediately, on seeing him, Sam followed him for 2 miles into the woods and finally when he was within a distance of 15 yards from the big ape, he shot him point blank in the chest killing him instantly.

After killing the beast, Sam loaded it on his Hummer, drove towards a deserted spot a mile across Samoa beach and dumped his body into the ocean.

Although there were no witness to his feat, news of the killing of Bigfoot spread like wildfire across the world. As millions of excited people searched for more information on the killing, Sam released a picture of Bigfoot’s dead body, but later when some skeptics pointed out that the picture was fake – a badly photo-shopped picture of an artist’s depiction of Bigfoot morphed with picture of a dead gorilla - he retracted saying that the picture was a hoax.

When some doubting reporters asked him why the body of the mythical beast was disposed off so quickly, Sam replied that had he delayed dumping the sasquatch into the sea, it’s carcass would have started rotting and it would have become useless for the hungry sharks in the ocean.

Clune assured that he will soon release pictures of the dead beast but declined to give a timeframe for its release. “The pictures are too gruesome for everyone to see right now. Once I release them they will be all over the internet within the reach of little kids. Children need to be protected from exposure to such gore.” said the 6-feet tall Californian. “Besides, the gory pictures may inflame the passions of animal lovers. Why take the risk? The upside of showing the pictures is not going to be that great.”

“In any case, what guarantee is there that the pictures will be accepted as evidence of the killing? Conspiracy theorists do not operate on logic and evidence. They will reject the pictures as fake and will refuse to accept that I killed Bigfoot no matter how much evidence I put forward.”

Prince William & Kate Middleton Taking A Dump...Just Like You

2011-04-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

Anil Ambani Outsources Prison Sentence

2011-04-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

Anil Ambani, chairman of Reliance Anil Dhirubhai Ambani Group, accused of using Swan Telecom as a front company by Reliance Telecommunication for applying for 2G licences by disguising its actual ownership and control, announced that he has outsourced his likely prison sentence to three top executives of ADAG, Managing Director Gautam Doshi, President Surendra Pipara and Company Secretary Hari Nair.

"As fourth richest Indian with personal wealth of $8.8 billion (Rs.40,000 Crores), I'm too important a person to be wasting my life behind bars. It's far more efficient to outsource my prison duties to my loyal employees who fortunately have agreed to take full responsibility for my actions," said the younger of the Ambani brothers before flying back to Mumbai after a successful attempt in convincing the mandarins of North Block to allow him to outsource his obligations.

Ambani cited lack of video conferencing facility at Tihar Jail as one of the primary reasons for avoiding jail term. "My duties as board member of IIT-Kanpur, IIM-Ahmedabad, DA-IICT-Gandhinagar & Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania will be severely compromised if I spent next few years of my life in jail. Outsourcing my prison term is the only way I can do justice to my position as Chairman of ADAG and board member of prestigious universities."

Sources close to the three executives say that they are pleased with the deal as long as they are provided the same facilities inside the jail that they enjoyed while working in the offices of ADAG companies.

According to the gossip doing the rounds, Anil Ambani landed in the capital and visited North Block to cut a deal with the authorities which will ensure that his three loyal executives are jailed in separate enclosures, away from the common thugs of Tihar Jail, presumably to prevent them from being anal-raped by them. "As per the contract signed with my three executives ensuring them best lodging conditions, I had talks with officials from home ministry who have promised me that Tihar jail authorities will provide best possible facilities to my employees." said Ambani regarding his meetings at North Block.

Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant Pips Charlie Sheen for 'Meltdown Of The Year' Award

2011-03-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

The Fukedshima Nuclear Power Plant which is on verge of an imminent meltdown in the wake of two new explosions and fire expressed deep regret for blowing its top in such a violent manner and causing worldwide radiation scare, but defended its actions saying that the world needed such a scare so that it should know what a real meltdown looks like.

“For heaven's sake, we are in 2011 - just a year and a half away from the prophesied apocalyptic catastrophe, but what has been so far the meltdown of the year? A meltdown by a a narcissist attention-tart, a pretentious mediocre actor with a thing for cocaine and porn stars. Phooey!” shrieked the fuked-up-beyond-repair power plant in frustration and disgust.

“You call Charlie's nonsensical, megalomaniac rantings a meltdown? Far too much time, energy and media-attention has been sprinkled on a maniacal pop-culture celebrity of no great importance. But now that you have seen me in action, you know what a frightful and horrifying thing an actual meltdown is when it happens to someone really important.”

“I have got radio-active blood and Cthulhu DNA, I bang everyday 70 kilograms of enriched uranium which you know has a half-life of 4.5 billion years. I have spent close to last four decades effortlessly and magically converting your uranium rods into pure nuclear power. They couldn't cool my fuel rods. And that was a mistake. And when I'll reach rock bottom, I'll take several thousands along with me. Winning!!”

Meanwhile, Fukedshima's approaching meltdown is worrying doomers who believe that excessive media attention on bi-polar rantings of Charlie Sheen may have annoyed our planet Earth too who might show us who is the real bi-polar around here by flipping its magnetic poles next winter.

Japan Earthquake and Tsunami deliberately brought on by America, say conspiracy theorists

2011-03-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

(Contributed by SD)

The most powerful earthquake ever recorded in Japan shook entire cities, and the subsequent tsunami wreaked havoc over north-eastern Japan, killing hundreds of people instantly. The threat of a nuclear meltdown still looms large. The world stopped in its tracks after nature unleashed it’s fury yet again. However, not all people are convinced. “This was an attack by the U.S Government…..and investment bankers, obviously. The earthquake happened on 11th March, that is 11/3. 3 is the square root of 9, and if you transpose both these numbers, what do you get?” questioned a smug Ed Asner at the inauguration of the 113truth.org website. “That’s right.”

“It was a dead giveaway. Did you know that the Fukushima nuclear reactors were supplied by GE and were installed by Halliburton? And who owns Halliburton?” questioned Ed Asner yet again. “Exactly,” he continued, yet again failing to elaborate as he dozed off.

A large number of conspiracy theorists were in attendance at the inauguration, even after thousands declined to attend following the receipt of credible information that the venue was going to be bombed by aliens.

“How do we know it was an earthquake? It could have just been an explosion. Did you actually see the tectonic plates grind against each other? We all know that Shell was digging for oil near the epicenter of the earthquake. Co-incidence? I think not. I’m pretty sure that those thieving bastards bombed the tectonic plates so that they can profit from it,” screamed another guy as he was walking out of the restroom. When asked to explain how Shell would profit from this, he walked back inside.

“Uh” uh-ed Ed Asner as he woke up with a jerk. “The death toll was another cover up. How come there was no mention of the robots? Japan is full of them. And what’s with the earthquake intensity being revised from 8.9 to 9? It’s so obviously staged.” he said once again and slept on the conference table.

As the conference went on, we came across a big blob of goo which was in fact Michael Moore. “Capitalism is bad” it said, as it continued to promote a documentary that it made two years back. “Do visit my website and purchase my DVDs” it continued before sliding away.

Meanwhile, Telangana agitators claim to have been inspired by the earthquake and plan to organize a ’9.0 Richter March’ as a follow up to their ‘Million March’ that was inspired by Egypt. “That will show the Government”, said an unemployed youth to our correspondent in India who didn’t even ask him anything.

SRK look-alike looks like another SRK look-alike

2011-02-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

Everyone who has seen Harmesh Chandan, impersonator and look-alike of Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan, do his SRK-impersonation act, agrees that he closely resembles a SRK impersonator.

His friends, mostly from his hometown, Indore, gush excitedly, “Harmesh is a class act. He not only looks uncannily similar to SRK impersonator, Raju Rahikwar, but also mimics Raju’s mannerisms perfectly."

Harmesh Chandan, who has been doing stage shows in Indore ever since he discovered that he can mimic mannerisms of Raju Rahikwar, has become a big hit with Shahrukh Khan fans in Indore.

“Watching Chandan do the K-K-K-Kiran stutter act, you could easily believe that you are actually watching the great SRK look-alike, Raju Rahikwar.”, said Om Prakash, his childhood friend who has supported and encouraged him in his ambition to achieve the heights of SRK-impersonation achieved by his idol, Raju Rahikwar.

Though Shahrukh Khan has never repeated the over-exaggerated stutter of Baazigar in any of his later movies, hundreds of mimics, look-alikes and impersonators have made their careers by mimicking the legendary stammering act. “Chandan is extremely gifted. He does the K-K-K-Kiran thing as good as Raju Rahikwar. The slight twitch of the lips, stretched arms pose and the characteristic swagger.. it’s all there. I’m sure someday my friend will become as well-known as Raju.” added Om Prakash.

Event manager Mohan Sharma who organizes stage shows for local amateur singers, dancers and celebrity look-alikes, observes that every time Chandan does the K-K-K stutter, the audience explodes in peels of laughter. “He does this stammering thing with just the right amount of flair needed to impress the very discerning audience of Indore.”

Sharma forecasts a bright future for Chandan. “He is destined for greater things in life. I wouldn’t be surprised if few years from now he lands up with a minor two-minute role in some C-grade Bhojpuri spoof movie. If he continues to work hard in perfecting the open-armed, twitched lips pose of Shahrukh, he will soon become a competition to Raju Rahikwar.”

Meanwhile, in Mumbai, India’s most loved impersonator of Shahrukh Khan is confident about his ability to withstand competition from other impersonator. Asked about his competitive strategy to tackle threats from new challengers like Harmesh Chandan, Raju Rahikwar said, “I’m the best SRK-impersonator. My competition is only with myself, not with any other SRK-impersonator.”

Pakistan demands right of self-determination for Pakistani artists in India

2011-02-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

Pakistan government, horrified at the prolonged detention that singer Rahet Fateh Ali Khan had to face at New Delhi Airport for carrying undeclared assets, has demanded that Pakistani artists performing in India should have right to self-determine the laws that can be applied to them.

“I am here to reiterate Pakistan’s unconditional moral, political and diplomatic support to all Pakistani artists living or performing in India for a just solution to their problems with Indian tax authorities.”, said Iffat Imran Gardezi, deputy chief of mission at the Pakistani Embassy in Pakistan. “We stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our long, suffering singers residing or performing in India.” the Pakistani diplomat declared.

Iffat Gardezi said that Pakistani singers while on a visit to India should be given a choice whether they want Indian or Pakistani laws applied to them during their stay in India. She also said that she supported the demand of some artists for being governed by autonomous, self-regulatory laws while in India.

“There is no justification for harassing our artists by detaining them under laws which they have never accepted in the first place. When in India, they should be provided with opportunity to choose their own laws, whether Indian laws, Pakistani laws or their own self-created laws.”

Meanwhile, India’s minister for external affairs, SM Krishna admitted that majority of Pakistani artists traveling or residing in India were terribly alienated with Indian legal system, but emphasized that their alienation with Indian laws didn’t justify violation of any of our laws. He said that Indian government was willing to unconditionally talk to all Pakistani artists in India in order to resolve their problems with our tax authorities, provided they gave an undertaking that in the meantime they wouldn’t do anything to piss off officials of IT Dept or Directorate of Revenue Intelligence. SM Krishna added that Indian government was open to all possible solutions as long as they are within the framework of Indian constitution.

Extraordinary General Meeting

2011-02-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

by Maverick58

This meeting has been convened at short notice because of 2G circumstances that are bordering on 3G while the rest of the world is tuned into 4G. Some member have communicated that they will not be present due to urgent duties elsewhere. The location is at the junction of the water lines of Block 1 of Tihar jail. The time is around midnight when Rajah finally goes to sleep.

"Order! Order!!" said DorkyPig, The Honorable Chairperson

The rustle-tussle slowly fades into silence.

SqueakyRat speaks up, "Your Honor, what are we to do with the new entrant to Block 1 4D? He has cemented all entries and exits with lies."

IndustirousRed Ant adds, "And he chews his nails but doesnt spit them out. I wonder how he reaches his toes. Turning to SqueakyRat, "Dont worry you will have your entry by tonight."

CorkRoche, twirling his antenna, "My beady eyes he is scared of, 'cause he covers himself up with 7 blankets. I am sure Nira must have dialed her connections up."

Slitherard ticking its tail, "He doesnt leave his nose-digs on the floor too. I thought what with him being a Madrasi, he would be making more but apparently he has sub-contracted them to some corporate for a fancy sum with a percentage going to Kani".

BarkScorp nodding its sting, "I would love to discharge on to his feet but the Gucci he never removes. Arrgh!"

DorkyPig beams a smile and says, "There is a way for all those who wait patiently."

A chorus of "what?" way erupts.

"Its the Kani way", says DorkyPig

A chorus of "How" erupts again.

"She too is to be lodged in the same Block and we will smuggle ourselves in through the folds of her hand spun Conjeevaram," oinked DorkyPig

"Ooh la, la" sang the Slitherard, "me loves the slime that oozes from these oily Madrasis."

"Ssssh! lets be politically correct and damn a race," piped in IndustriousRed Ant

"Yea" chorused the others.

"So are we agreed that our friends the IRA ( IndustriousRed Ants ) will work on the entrances and exits?," squeaked DorkyPig

"Yea," chorused the others.

"Thats it then, please remember your individual duties and make the stay of these guests as comfortable to us as possible. I have a plane to catch to Bengalurru and Hyderabad where the CMs are feeling shy about their lodgings-to-be" oinked DorkyPig.

"Ta-Ta"

Nira watching this on her smuggled 4G mobile immediately MMSd to CourageousSanghi for a flash-print while Sardukhai pulled out his scissors for editing.

London, Maino, Nira and the Sevaks

2010-12-19T23:31:00.000-08:00

by Maverick58

Why we MUST blame it on Raja

2010-11-13T06:25:00.000-08:00

by Nira Radia

Economic Affairs Desk, Onionuttapam News

As a true spirited neo-liberal, I want Andimuthu Raja’s head on a platter. Somebody must take the fall for the 2G scam and it can-not and should not be my benefactors in the corporate sector who very graciously bribed Raja into scamming the ex-chequer.

The folks who made millions divesting their stakes, are sheer innocent market traders who use the benevolence of crony capitalism to make a bit of spare change. Going after the people who bribed Raja (God forbid!) would mean that we would have to hold some of our employers or clients to the same high standard of probity that we would like the Congress and DMK to follow.

That is why I say, take down Raja and take him down quickly, before he starts singing like a tweetie bird on who paid him how much. Take a leaf out of Vir Sanghvi’s book and blame it on Caste politics. Or take a leaf from Arnab’s book – don’t talk about Lavasa and any project that your employers are personally connected with and thump your chest at the politician – and declare that he must go while you place neon halo around your head.

That day must be tomorrow! A day when we gloat in the knowledge that while we got Raja’s head, we let the people who bribed him continue to provide us with value added services like a Vande Mataram caller tune @ Rs 30 a month.

TATA for now!

Girl Breaks up With Guy, but still wants to date him and get over him at the same time but not..

2010-10-04T07:07:00.001-07:00

..entirely, because there still might be a chance that it may work although she’s not a 100% sure

Contributed by SD

Rajshree Nanem, 22, has finally decided to break it off with her boyfriend of 2 years, exasperated sources said at 3 a.m. today. “This is not going to work out. I don’t see a future,” said Rajshree for the fourth time in as many days. “I’m quite sure about this,” she said as she finally worked up the strength and determination to stick to her choice.

“What do you think but? Am I doing the right thing?” asked Rajshree, quickly destroying the will power that she developed 5 minutes prior to this question. “He’s such an awesome guy, but I don’t know yeah. We’ve been fighting and he said some mean stuff, but I’m sure he didn’t mean any of that,” she reiterated for the second time that day.

On informing her that he had exams, Rajshree quickly told our source that she would take no more than 2 more minutes of his time. “I think I made the mistake of forcing him into this whole thing. Oh man, now it seems like the last two years were a total waste,” she continued, 35 minutes later.

“But I love him,” she said as her brain went see-sawing yet again. She reacted very positively to the suggestion that she have a long discussion with her boyfriend about it, rather than with a third party, but that reaction was soon put to waste as she asked, “Do you think I’ll ever find anyone?”

Our source soon suggested that she take some time off and not talk to her boyfriend for a few weeks and then take it from there. “I think that will be the best thing,” said Rajshree in reaction to that suggestion. “But it’s going to be so difficult! What if he finds someone else in the meantime? What if he falls in love with someone else? What if he never wants to talk to me again? But I guess you’re right. I think this will be in the best interest of everyone,” she said, as she finally disconnected the call.

Our source then got a call 5 minutes later. It was Rajshree. “Thanks for the advice, [name withheld]. I got back with him! I love him to death and I think this will work!” she squealed before hanging up.

Our source got another call 18 hours later, but decided not to answer it.

The Great Ayyodoh Hoo-Ha

2010-09-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

Three Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe - The High & Mighty Gajraj of the Elephant Clan, The Wise & Just Sher Singh and The Fair & Lovely Mountain Yak - will today pronounce their verdict on the ownership of the disputed Ayyodoh Cowshed.

On one side are a number of Holycowian complainants who claim the disputed cowshed, also called as 'tabela' belongs to them and is the spot where a Church to The Holy White Cow once existed. On the other are the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, who maintain that the cowshed, where the Statue of the Great Hooter stood for five centuries before being demolished by Holycowians, is a place of worship for Uloos.

Holycowians, the bovine worshipers of the Holy White Cow and Uloos, the believers of the divinity of the Great Owl, have been battling for ownership of the disputed tabela for hundreds of years.

On Thursday, the three wise men who had been appointed by the government of the land of Holycowians & Uloos, also called as Land of Moo or Mooland by Holycowians, are expected to pronounce who gets the tabela and perhaps also answer several mysterious questions put to them by the udderly confused creatures of the land of HU, the 'secular name' of the Land of Moo. These include whether the disputed cowshed in Ayyodoh is the place where the Holy White Cow returned to graze in peace after beheading all the ten heads of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow, who had dared to steal his beautiful mate, The Holy White She Cow and whether the Great Owl Statue was built after demolishing the Church to The Holy White Cow.

According to the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, Uloos offered prayers at the feet of the The Owl Statue when it was built several hundred years ago by Great Conqueror Baboor, all the way up till sixty years ago, when the gates of the Church were locked by the local administration after some Holycowians surreptitiously placed idols of The Holy Baby White Cow at the feet of the The Great Hooter.

The Statue of The Great Owl was destroyed by Holycowcarians, a sub-sect of the Holycowians, sent by the the Bovine Jam Party, who said the Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe were not competent to rule on matters pertaining to holy activities of The Holy White Cow. In their submissions, the Holycowians said that their right to wash the feet of the Idol of Holy Baby White Cow at the Church to The Holy White Cow must be recognised by the Wise Beasts since millions of Holycowians for eons have believed it to be the place where The Holy Baby White Cow had first mooed after being ejected from the womb of Holy Mother Cow and who in his adulthood had returned triumphantly with his mate, The Holy She Cow to his birthplace in Ayyodoh, after kicking ass of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow.

According to folklore, the Holycowians who lived during the era of the The Holy White Cow were so overjoyed seeing the return of The Holy White Cow from exile after kicking ass of The Unholy Black Cow, that they made 'The Great Noise' by mooing at the top of their lungs and bursting firecrackers in celebration. Thousands of years later, the Holycowians still celebrate that day by remaking 'The Great Noise' every year.

If the Three Wise Beasts rule that the 'tabela' belongs to them, the Holycowians will celebrate the verdict by remaking 'The Great Noise' a few months sooner than the scheduled annual remaking of 'The Great Noise'.

Kalmadi declares CWG 2010 as most successful Commonwealth Games of all time

2010-09-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

The beleaguered chief of the Organizing Committee of the Commonwealth Games, Suresh Kalmadi hit back at his detractors saying that he has succeeded in making the games the most successful games in the history of the commonwealth games even before the first event has begun.

Speaking to Onionuttapam.com, Kalmadi said that never before have commonwealth games garnered so much interest amongst the common man as much as this edition of the games. “In the past, these games barely generated any interest even in the participating commonwealth countries. Except for the host countries which had no option but to hype them up and Great Britain which as head of the commonwealth had to feign interest in these games, no other country gave a shit about commonwealth games.”

“But thanks to my efforts, the whole world has discovered the existence of Commonwealth Games” beamed Kalmadi. “I’ve made Commonwealth Games ‘World Popular’” claimed the OC chief.

“CWG has always been a distant, poor cousin of Olympics Games or Asian Games and with every passing year it was becoming less and less relevant in our post-colonial world. As far as public interest in India is concerned, it ranked only slightly above the equally irrelevant SAF Games and many, many rungs below the over-hyped but pointless IPL. But now as a result of the mess we have made, people all over the world are talking about the games.”

“I’ve breathed new life into the dying games.” said Kalmadi with pride.

“Let’s face the truth. No one really gives a damn about a bunch of athletes running, jumping, swimming and throwing things to collect medals for their countries. In these attention-deficit times, people demand a lot more entertainment than what these usual run-of-the-mill sporting contests are capable of providing. We have given people all over the world with a far more enjoyable spectacle in the form of collapsing footbridges and falling ceilings – a spectacle that has resulted in thousands of jokes and hundreds of hours of heated television debates. Can any athletic event generate that much interest?” he asked.

“Audiences have a lot to look forward to in the coming days. Media from the world over will also have their hands full with stories about swimmers ruing lack of practice due to discovery of dead rats in swimming pools and nightmarish tales of athletes spending sleepless nights fighting blood-thirsty mosquitoes.”

According to Kalmadi, this edition of CWG will draw record television audience who will tune in not to watch the athletes in action, but to see if any stadium collapses.

“In our entertainment-saturated world of today, the only way to generate interest in boring mega-events like the commonwealth games is by creating entertaining controversies. Throw in some pictures that confirm the worst stereotypes people have about India, a few minor disasters that reaffirm their worst fears about our country and add to the drama some stray dogs and snakes and you have millions of people eagerly awaiting the unfolding of the games with anticipation, suspense and excitement.”

“By created an unprecedented buzz for the games even before the games have begun, we have succeeded in making these games the most successful games in the history of the commonwealth games.” Kalmadi asserted confidently.

“In other news, Ramprakash Yadav, a third-world laborer is working hard to make the stay of first-world athlete guests at commonwealth games village comfortable and luxurious.

Yadav,38, who lives in a third-class mosquito-infested shanty on the outskirts of New Delhi slaves hard from morning to late night for a paltry amount of Rs. 125 paid to him at the end of the day to ensure that his first world guests enjoy “world-class” facilities during the fortnight they will spend in the capital city of India. At the end of the month, Yadav will take home a princely amount of around Rs.2000 which will be used to feed, clothe and house his family of six consisting of his wife, three kids and his parents.

Third-world Yadav has spent thousands of days of his grinding life building 5-star hotels, malls, penthouses and posh apartment blocks for the first-world upper classes of New Delhi, but his own home, the dingy shanty where he lives with his family, doesn’t have a toilet, or even a water tap and receives electricity only few hours a day.

He will never be allowed to step inside the premises of the 5-star hotel or sleep on the luxurious beds in the apartments that that he helped build with his labor, because his priority in life is making life of first-world people smooth, easy and opulent. If he does his work sincerely, he will be rewarded in his next life by the gods that govern his life with permission to be born into a family of lower-division clerk at Delhi University.

Meanwhile, the stray dog and the snake that have become cause of much concertation due to their unlawful entry into games villages are confused and are wondering why they are so unwanted at the sports carnival. “These humans are a queer lot. Everyday we see many of them shaking hands and taking group pictures with a clownish biped tiger, a disgrace to his wild and ferocious species. If they don’t like us animals, why does this stupid-looking tiger adorn every wall of this goddamned village?” wondered the stray dog who was judged guilty of jumping on a bed in the games village and tarnishing the image of a nation of over a billion people.

Phallic-looking thing fails to take off due to 'Thrust Deficit'

2010-09-25T01:31:00.000-07:00

A user trial of a phallic resembling thing, which supposedly has the capability of partially obliterating the country of Pakistan during a potential future event when India and Pakistan will mutually strike each other with nuclear-enabled phallic things in an effort to mutually fuck each other in order to grab full and complete control of the troubled state of Jammu & Kashmir, ended up tragically obliterating itself before it could take off.

The nine metre-tall phallic thing, propelled by sticky, watery fluid, with a shooting range long enough to wipe out any territory inside of Pakistan, was fired from a launching device early in the morning from some place in state of Orissa. But sources in the Defense Research and Development Organisation said due to possible ‘ejectile dysfunction’, this thing just did not shoot off from its launch-pad.

Though authorities were not immediately available for comment, defence sources said this sophisticated thing could not take off during the planned trial from its launch-pad due to possible "thrust deficit”, a complex condition that arises from several factors ranging from performance anxiety to overwhelming negative feelings.

The failure to this thing to get off the ground was either due to nervousness associated with space-fright or possibly due to the air of despondency that has gripped the nation as a result of collapsing footbridges and ceilings," they said, adding that the missile could have been suffering from a crisis of confidence due to the general lack of ability of things built by government departments to stay strong and erect.

India Pulls Out of Commonwealth Games

2010-09-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

Contributed by SD

The Commonwealth Games took yet another massive hit today after India announced that it would no longer be fielding a contingent for the event. The host country’s officials said that they were “not satisfied with the accommodation, not to mention the security arrangements” and were “worried for the safety, security and health of [their] athletes”

“We are disappointed with the overall quality of everything,” said Suresh Kalmadi, Chairman of the Organizing Committee in charge of the Indian contingent. “Seriously, I can’t believe how untidy the rooms were at the Games Village. Some of the beds even had dog footprints on them,” added the politician. “Not just that. The security arrangements are shocking. There’s dengue all around and structures keep collapsing. We are also worried about possible terror attacks. This is why we have decided to pull out of the games and go to Switzerland to reassess the situation in a relaxed environment. The athletes will be sent back home so they can spend time with their loved ones.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty disappointing,” said an Indian athlete whose name we didn’t know. “I guess I’ll have to go back home now,” he continued, referring to the malaria infested maoist village he had to go back to.

The Commonwealth games have been plagued by desertions over the last few weeks. A long list of athletes who no one had ever heard of but who were apparently medal contenders pulled out, days before the event is scheduled to commence. But the news of the host country’s withdrawal came as a great shock because this would mean the loss of a contingent of 800 athletes and 15000 officials.

What makes it even more disappointing is that the Indian contingent, which was originally aiming “for third place in the medals table,” was tipped to sweep the medals tally after most of the other countries pulled out.

Not all is lost however. Some teams that were originally dissatisfied with the living arrangements found the new Games Village situated inside Maurya Sheraton acceptable.

Job Advertorial: Walk-in interviews for Studio Maoists

2010-09-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

Advt: Issued by 24/7 Media Ltd

Do you like to be spoken AT and/or spoken down to? Do you like to be mistaken for a violent revolutionary? Would you liked to be blamed for the actions of a group of people that you are not connected with? A career as a panellist in news studios awaits you.

Qualification

Preferably somebody who believes in pacifism and is opposed to war or state violence and not afraid of repeating it in public
Ability to answer stupid questions from anchors (e.g. - Have you always been a romantic?)
Must be willing to unite Congress, BJP and CPI spokespeople - against himself/herself (e.g. by saying "violence is stupid")

Job Titles

You can chose from "Despicable", "Maodadi", "Anti-national", "Grave Internal Enemy" or "China Lover"

Job Description

You have to make the anchor look "patriotic" at all times - (e.g. - get them to use phrases like "GREAT Indian Middle Class")
You should never make reference to your pacifist beliefs (e.g. - avoid obvious solutions)
The more abuse you take on air - the better (e.g. - if someone calls you a murderer say "BUT" and wait till interrupted)
Never correct the anchor - for misrepresenting (remember it is about what we think you said - not what you actually said).
Your pacifism must come out as a defence of Maoism

Pay Structure

Incentive structure linked to TRP ratings of shows on which you are empanelled.
An award at our Annual Awards function in a category of your choice
One Nazar Suraksha Kavach

Contact: @ArKnob_Goswim or @RajdickSardhukhai or @Barker_D

Ash furious with Kat

2010-08-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

by Maverick58

In an explosive tete-a-tete with roving editor, Umesh Droolani of FilmFair, the ex- Miss World, Ash let her bees-hive hair unravel her angst and bared her cat-fangs about Katreena Caif upsatging her as Bumblewood's No: 1. The interview which is scheduled to appear in the next edition of FilmFair shows Ash in her true colors which as we all know is green, just like her eyes!!. And to those of you who wonder as to how we got it, oh! it was none other than Caif herself who with her icy-charm wormed it out of Umesh Droolani. Talk about moon-struck-lightning...

Apparently, Ash in her free wheeling chat grumbled about gora fixation afflicting not only the Bumblewood Badshah's but also her groom and his elderly dad who refuses to walk away from the silver purdah. Said she, " Arrey, yaar! I am more whiter than that imported from nowhere trash, Caif; can speak better Inglish than her, dress better than her, dont have to play the revolving beds game having done it much earlier than her and better also..just look at the number of boy-friends I left behind before entering the Double-Dumbo household as a gushing bride and what do these idiots see in her that I have to give up the No:1 throne?"

She also went on to observe that in future she would be revealing a lot of her talent onscreen and let it show. She cattily observed that she had a better cleavage, a better dimpled-navel and was more filled-out than that 'scrawny-stick' who has to take diction classes in Hindi and sounds like a Yorkshire Pig in heat. She doesn't even look like a gora, wailed Ash. Umesh is reported to have e-mailed his commiserations, with a bcc to Caif of course, and has promised a full photo-op exclusively to appear in the same issue exposing her 'talent'

And we say, 'Ash, haven't you heard of fresh meat?'

Opinion: If we want good governance, we need to incentivize the people in charge

2010-08-21T01:51:00.000-07:00

Contributed by SD

I don’t understand why people are making a big deal of the pay hike given to Members of the Parliament. I was shocked to find out that they earned a pittance of Rs. 16000 a month. Imagine that? They earn less than I do. And I just graduated from college.

These guys work so hard, and I can’t imagine how they run their homes with such little money. I find it difficult even to support myself with what I earn. Just the other day, I saw my local MP inaugurating a power plant and within 48 hours, I see him speaking vociferously on the floor of the Parliament. 24 hours later, I see his motorcade pass through Hyderabad. I wonder how he has enough energy to travel so much by train.

I completely support Laloo Prasad Yadav in his fight to increase the salary of MPs. He’s probably almost 60 years old, and I’m sure he needs to start planning for his retirement. He also has a family to support. I wonder how he manages to employ so many gunmen to stand around him. Surely he cannot pay them a competitive wage, which obviously means that these gunmen are loyal party workers who don’t mind taking a massive pay hit to protect their leader. I also heard that he has cows in his house. Poor guy doesn’t even have proper walls to protect his home.

Some MPs are so poor, it’s not even funny. Apparently, some of them have less than Rs. 10 lakhs worth of assets (Source: Self-Declaration of assets at the time of elections). They are noble enough to work selflessly in the knowledge that their life savings will most likely be wiped out due to inflationary pressures. That's what I call commitment. People in the private sector keep jumping jobs to suit their needs. But these guys have decided to stick it out. Politicians are a committed bunch. Most of them (like those in the Left parties) remain politicians even though they know they can never come into a position of power.

These people are our leaders for God’s sake. We cannot treat them like servants. Can you imagine a CEO getting paid less than the guy who sweeps floors? Yeah, Steve Jobs takes home just $1 per year, but he gets perks, not to mention millions in dividends. What about our leaders? They can’t even save enough to get quality medical services. How can we expect our leaders to think optimally when they get paid so little? How can we expect our leaders to be motivated when all their friends earn multiples of what they do?

Our MPs work tirelessly, yet we can’t even pay them a measly Rs. 15 lacs per year? There is a management theory that says we need to give people incentives in order for them to reach their potential. Why don’t we give such incentives to our MPs? I’m confident that such incentives will raise the overall quality of governance and bring our population out of poverty and into prosperity by way of inclusive growth.

Oh what’s this? Oh my God. I can’t believe that a Nigerian businessman wants to transfer his entire savings to my account. How lucky am I? Let me just send him my bank account details and password. I’m rich now, so I don’t really need to take your shit and write articles for small amounts of money. I quit!

Rajdick Sardukhai: My Ultimate Football Theory On Why We Suck At The Ultimate Sport

2010-07-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

by Rajdick Sardukhai

I'm not yet done with my football theories. Watching the World Cup 2010 has been a great educational experience for me. I had several eureka moments which gave me clear insights on socio-economic factors that lead to success in football. As my followers on twitter already know, I believe multi-culturalism is a key to success in football at international level. My profound football theories which effectively prove the linkage between success in football and multi-culturalism, still leave some questions to be answered. Why is that India despite being a multi-religious, multi-linguist, multi-caste and of course multi-cultural society, is unable to compete in the most popular sporting tournament of the world?

Some of the reasons for the failure of our football team to achieve success at international level are glaringly obvious when one takes into account our many failings as a nation. For example, our football team suffers from having a very weak defense which isn't really surprising considering that as a nation we are not good at defending ourselves from repeated foreign intrusions. If a rag-tag team of dozen Pakistani terrorists traveling in a boat can break our defense systems and hold a city like Mumbai to ransom for three days, should we expect defenders in our football team to do any better? Also, the constant infighting on State matters, which leaves at least 2 dozen or so CRPF men dead every time matters come to a head has an effect on the team as a result of which the quota system comes into play with no common language to bond the players.

We are also not good at converting corner kicks, free kicks or even penalty kicks into goals. Football as a sport is all about kicking the ball which can be considered as a metaphor for kicking ass. Here again, we fail because our players don't have the ability to kick the ball hard enough. This trait can also be traced back to our national habit of kissing arse instead of kicking it. Can we imagine our soft-spoken Prime Minister asking 'whose ass to kick"? The spectacular performance of US team can be attributed to them having a charismatic president who doesn't flinch from talking change. We, on the other hand are experts in sucking up to our superiors. We believe in paying obeisance to those who are more powerful than us instead of challenging their authority. Unless, we as a nation develop a kick-ass attitude, our football team will continue to languish under the table. To climb up from the bottom of the table appears to be a Herculean task, just like how difficult it is proving to topple the Reddy brothers from the Karnataka Cabinet despite under-mining efforts by many.

But despite these obvious deficiencies, we have several strengths that can be helpful in offsetting our inadequacies. Being a country with hundreds of different cultural groups, I have no doubt that collectively we have all the skills needed to excel at the world stage. So what's preventing us from utilizing our multiple talents to achieve football glory? I believe that if we use our strengths optimally, we can not only qualify for world-cup, but even beat the best of the teams to win the ultimate sporting trophy. But sadly, we don't utilize our skills properly and let them become our liabilities.

In football, the most important skill is the ability to pass the ball accurately. As a nation, we are naturally gifted in the department of buck-passing. Our expertise in passing the buck was in full display when the question 'Who let Anderson flee the country?' cropped up recently. Surely, our footballers, possessing the 'buck-passing' gene with which all Indians are naturally endowed, should become world experts in passing the football on the field. So why don't our players display this skill as effectively on the field as they do off the field? My theory is that our footballers become excessively possessive about the ball when it is passed to them (which I think stems from our extreme poverty) and treat the football as a precious possession instead of treating it as a responsibility or blame which should be passed to another player as quickly and effectively as possible.

Another reason for not passing the ball quickly to fellow players is lack of trust in the ability of other players to successfully penetrate the defense of opposition. This trust deficit can be easily explained since as a nation too we have failed in developing trust between different communities. Hindus don't trust Muslims, hold them responsible for terrorism and discriminate against them while majority of Muslims show reluctance in joining the mainstream preferring to stay in their ghettos. Upper caste Hindus hate lower-castes and the lower-castes resent the upper-castes. Similarly, Marathis don't trust UPwallahs & Biharis and consider them as outsiders while South Indians resent the Punjab-ification of India. Unless we learn to trust and accept each other, how can we expect to succeed in a team sport like football where cooperation between players is of utmost importance?

The fact that the only team sport where we excel is cricket, which is only nominally a team sport and where team play is cumulative rather than collaborative, strengthens my theory that we fail at football because of lack of team spirit which stems from lack of trust between different groups and communities. Multi-culturalism, which I believe is one of the greatest asset in football success, is of no value unless it is accompanied by mutual tolerance and trust between the players and unfortunately in our case, it has become a liability.

But does that mean that because of the defects, we are doomed to stay at the bottom? Not if we learn from our mistakes and correct them. But firstly, as a nation we have to realize that there are no shortcuts to success. I've developed an action plan for our nation which if we implement earnestly will yield rich dividends for the nation both on and off the football field.

1. We should have zero tolerance of Pak-sponsored terrorism and cross-border infiltration. Our defense forces need to be more alert in plugging all the leaks. Once we learn to protect ourselves from foreign intrusions, our success in fortification of our defense will trickle-down to the football team too.

2. Warren Anderson should be immediately extradited. The sight of watching Anderson handcuffed and being hauled to prison will act as an inspiration to our players to develop a kick-ass attitude.

3. NREGA scheme should be restructured to allow more money to trickle-down to the aam aadmi including footballers playing the game at grass-root levels. Also, considering that Lalit Modi is now jobless, we should ulilize the opportunity and make him chief of AIFF. If we can succeed in making Rovers or Durand Cup as remunarative as IPL, it will help footballers to fatten their egos and wallets. And hopefully their legs and game too!

4. In order to foster tolerance between communities, we should ask our Sikh brothers and Muslim Chaachas to stop sporting visible symbols of their faith. To stem further punjab-ification of the country (as my wifey is so rightfully concerned about) which is dangerous to the multicultural spirit of the country, we should make Tamil popular in all parts of the country and Rahul baba and others of his ilk can and must be enrolled in Adult Tamil classes. This will make the footballers to speak, communicate and curse in one language understood by all including the referee and linesmen. And of course, the phoren-coach! Effective communication all-round will help Indian footballers to pick up their all-round game!

Monsoon Flash by Met Dept

2010-06-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

A relatively hassle-free start of the monsoon season in Mumbai has prompted the Meteorological Department of India to announce that monsoon this year has been a failure.

"All's quiet on the Mumbai front. No screaming headlines about Mumbai coming to a halt due to heavy rainfall. No hypercritical TV reporters bellowing their lungs out explaining to their viewers how BMC's lack of preparation has incapacitated the city. No sights of panicky Mumbaikars rushing home early to avoid being stranded at their offices." said Srinivas Natrajan, Deputy Director General at Mumbai Regional Meteorological center.

After repeated failures, the Meteorological Department has given up predicting monsoon trends by analyzing data of cloud cover received from satellites. Nowadays, meteorologists at the department monitor the monsoons by watching 24/7 news channels. "Though south-west monsoons first hit the western ghats of Kerala, the pattern of monsoon in Mumbai has been providing us with truly substantial clues on the fate of monsoons every year for nearly a decade. Since the arrival of private round-the-clock news channels in India, we have noticed a sharp co-relation between the coverage on Mumbai rains on news channels and the overall extent of rainfall all over the country."

"This year has been unusually sedate. The lack of interest in Mumbai rains by news channels is rather ominous. Scanty coverage of havoc created by rains in Mumbai can only mean one thing - monsoons are not causing mayhem in Mumbai. I'm afraid this is bad news for the rest of the country. We could be staring at monsoon failure this year."

Sadly, the fears of the deputy director of Mumbai bureau have been validated by the new software installed at the department to study the co-relativity of Mumbai rains coverage and records of rainfall throughout the country. The software which monitors 57 different news channel in English, Hindi & Marathi to track all mentions of rains and Mumbai in news reports shows a sharp decline in coverage of Mumbai rainfall on news channels. The software predicts 35 percent less rains this year compared to last year. "Considering that rainfall last year was slightly below normal, a steep decline of 35 percent portends a failed monsoon." said Natrajan.

"No flights have been disrupted, unlike last saturday in Chennai and we are confident in our mid-monsoon period projection that the rainfall over the rest of the country would be way below average this time around", he added.

A wonderful victory for Neo-liberalism in Karnataka!

2010-06-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

There have been two wonderful victories for Neo-Liberalism in Karnataka recently. Yeddyurappa should be dancing-proud!

The first victory was clinched during the Global Investors Meet. A meet where the Yeddyurappa government managed to sign an MoU pegged at 36,000 Crores with Brahmani Steels. Why is this a Neo-Liberal victory? Well, Brahmani steels is owned by the Bellary Brothers a.k.a Reddy Brothers, who also, among other things, populate Yeddyurappa’s cabinet with humongous oversight on the revenue portfolio. If you were to ask us to define Neo-Liberalism, we would say, Neo-liberalism is at it’s best when you are both the “public” and the “private” in Public-Private Partnerships.

In the resignation of the Lok Ayuktha of Karnataka, Yedurappa managed his second victory. The Lok Ayuktha was a thorn in the flesh of the Karnataka’s neo-liberal torch bearer’s the Reddy Brothers. That Ayuktha chappy had put together an entire case file on how these guys were moving a wee bit of Iron ore here and there under the larger public good to protect the ore from the monsoon. Isn't a flourishing mining business in National Interes and by extension the incumbent State's interest?

The fight against the rabid socialist types has not been easy. For example, just last year when the State received a small bout of rain in Bellary, the government wanted to put a cess on mining trucks to provide for 'relief'. But the revenue minister Mr. Reddy made sure that the cess never happened and protected not only his trucks but every other mining truck in Karnataka from paying for such social evils like flood rehabilitation. A year on, we all know how the people who got stuck in the down-pour manage their sodden lives.

Long live the spirit of Neo-liberalism in Karnataka. Onion uttapams on the house!

This time around India & Pakistan are really talking

2010-06-25T04:55:00.000-07:00

This time around India and Pakistan have really agreed to resolve their long standing disputes and to get the stalled peace talks back on track.

Meeting for the second time in less than four months, both Indian and Pakistani foreign secretaries Nirupama Roy and Salman Bashir, after exchanging pleasantries, agreed that compared to their unpleasant, useless, ineffective and futile parleys of their past, this time around their parleys were really very cordial and actually very constructive. "Unlike our previous meetings, which were vitiated by our talking without understanding each other, this time around we really tried to understand each other's position and concerns." saith both of them very cordially to the press.

Addressing a joint news conference after winding up secretary-level talks, Bashir said "This time around, both the sides really re-viewed, re-examined, re-valued and re-capped comprehensively all the issues of concern and discussed ways to re-continue confidence-building measures." He said both the nuclear-armed South Asian neighbours have really agreed to enlarge coordination with each other to re-solve long disputed issues and to really re-turn peace negotiations back on track.

Bashir said unlike their previous meetings which were marred by lack of warmth, unfriendliness, insincerity, frivolousness, indifference and apathy, this time around their meeting was marked with a great deal of cordiality, sincerity and earnestness and their dialogue, which during their earlier meetings, used to be destructive, unproductive, pointless and a big waste of time, was actually very constructive. “Unlike in the past, when we used to half-heartedly and incomprehensively review the state of our bilateral relations, this time around we have been able to really review the state of our relations comprehensively. This time around, we actually touched upon all issues of concern and interests.” he said.

Nirupama Rao told reporters that this time around both the countries should really emphasise on reviving the disrupted composite dialogue process. “We really discussed modalities for restoring of trust and really agreed that dialogue process is the only way forward,” she said.

She said that compared to previous sham assurances, which all turned out to be outright lies, this time around Pakistani prime minister Yousaf Raza Gilani had really assured his Indian counterpart Manmohan Singh in April that Pakistan won’t allow its soil to be used for terrorist activities against India. “But this time around, we genuinely believe that the Pakistani Prime Minister has made an important commitment and what we also really believe is that we should really work together towards our goal of re-solving outstanding issues,” she said.

"Unlike in the past, when we used to voice our concerns on terrorism falteringly, haltingly, hesitantly and incoherently, this time around, we eloquently, lucidly, clearly and effectively articulated India's core concerns on terrorism and really made it clear to Pakistan that the trial of the seven Pakistanis terror suspects linked to Mumbai attacks should really proceed and that justice should be really done." said Rao.

Expressing optimism that this time around, the dialogue process will really lead to peace, she said, “Unlike in the past when I used to wish for a weaker and unstable Pakistan, this time around I'm really looking forward to a stronger and stable Pakistan.”

But despite the really promising prospects of India and Pakistan resolving their disputes this time around, officials from India and Pakistan said that this time too there was no major breakthrough during Thursday's talks in Islamabad, despite both sides having really created a favorable climate for the upcoming meetings to get peace talks back on track.

Analysts speculated that this time too the best outcome of this meeting would merely be more talks in future which would really be even more cordial and even more constructive than the current talks and as a result, in comparison, the present talks will look useless, unproductive and pointless.

New-Look Rupee

2010-06-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

by Maverick58

India's Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee, while chatting with journalists and other media people, disclosed that by noon today the Cabinet would decide on the symbol for the Rupee, as promised in his budget speech last year. The new symbol is expected to capture the ethos and culture of the people of India. Prodded further, he disclosed that the GOI had shortlisted 5 designs and a final decision would be taken sometime today.

Manshika our newbie reporter has managed to bug the GoM meet, chaired by Sonia and hanging on by plugged-in mobile phone, the rising star in INC's firmament, Rahul Gandhi. Here are the excerpts from the ongoing meet:

Manmohan: Is everybody in? Turns and looks at Sonia, who is whispering into her mouthpiece, Shall I proceed? Sonia listens to her earpiece, nods and smiles at everyone and at the wall where the new designs are floating for adoption. Manmohan clears his throat, Pranabji, please proceed.

Pranabji nods and beams at Sonia, bows with a folded Namaste and says, "After careful consideration, my Ministry has decided that we will have a symbol that reflects the unique persona of the ordinary Indian, the aam aadmi. The aam aadmi wakes up everyday, swatting flies from the neighbor's dung and to the cry of his new-born wailing for milk that never comes from the droopy breast of his mom, who is washing the bums of their third born. The aam aadmi then proceeds to wash his face from the bucket in which last night's sumptuous dinner of lentils and 2 rotis have been collect-puked by his family of six into day before's forgotten lunch, all of which is floating in the rain-water that was collected by placing it strategically to catch the 5 drips from the roof. He doesn't stir, but shakes the mixture and through a narrow gap wets two-fingers and begins brushing his teeth."

Sonia interrupts Pranab and says, "We should provide everyone with a neem twig-like stick that has multiple uses in the next elections. My Uncle Q has a factory in Sicily which can produce everything and anything. Your description of the aam aadmi has been approved by Rahul."

Pranab beamed his teeth at everyone. Alagiri, the Chemicals Minister and P.Chidambaram, the Home Minister, the former who was responsible for security inks and dyes and the latter who was responsible for overall security of the notes consignment looked at each other and raised their hands in unison and also said in unison, "The aam aadmi in Tamil Nadu is different. He is slightly ahead of his brothers elsewhere, receives money for casting his vote and generally doesn't give a shit about what his currency of the day is, but yes, if the symbol has any minutest resemblance to the devnagiri script he will burn buses and stop trains. Be warned."

Sonia began to look worried and started whispering into the phone urgently, while Manmohan continued uninterrupted in his nap. A.K.Antony looked at the ceiling.

Pranab scratched his nose and replied, "C'mon saar, how can you speak like this? How can the Tamlians not integrate themselves into the fabric of the federal comity of States? Where do you think the money for all this is going to come from? Did I not describe the aam aadmi so well, even Soniaji approved?" He gave a glance at Sonia who was at that very moment pointing her mouth-piece at Alagiri and Chidambaram both of whom were on their feet and gesticulating wildly at Pranab and mouthing the words "Hindi down, down!"

Sonia got up and waved at everyone and walked out from the GoM meet prompting Manmohan to wake up, nod, and go back to napping again. Antony took this moment of confusion to place on record the words, "This meeting has been suspended and will be re-animated at the request of Sonia. Whatever decision she takes in consonance with Rahul, whose name also has the word R will be final and binding."

The NSG guard wakes up Manmohan who looks around and beams and nods at their retreating backs and follows them out. Our camera which is sound n motion sensored, switches itself off after 2 minutes.

***FLASH***
As we go to online-publish status, we have reliably learned that all the 5 short-listed designs for the symbol have been thrown out and the news is that the new symbol will have R morphed with the caricature of Gandhi. We are waiting breathlessly.

***FLASH***

W1C1 Fever

2010-06-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

(Contributed by Profane Insanity/Dr. Aiswarya Rao)

With the World Cup fever sweeping across South Africa and infecting billions of football fans all over the globe, a team of medical, engineering and foot-balling experts have come across the following findings that can throw light on the various types of pyrexia that are breaking out in South Africa.

The English Flu: This is a rare case of Italian virus much similar to any other virus but it is rather very infectious. As usual this virus docks to the cell receptors and embeds into the English FA system in the form of a rather harmless phage called “Capello hired as coach” method. The virus then shuts down vital system function DNA by inhibiting normal English FA processes like interacting with media, showing off WAGS and mind-blowing merchandising techniques. The virus then hijacks the complete system and runs it by proxy as if there is nothing wrong in the system by a technique called “Qualifying for World Cup with Ease”. After this technique, the temperature rises in the whole system due to high enthalpy and the virus after ensuring that it is in complete control of the system injects lethal DNA decoders that destruct the FA system and result in serious or at times fatal opportunistic illnesses like goalie hiccups, drunken forwards and semi-conscious midfielders.

French Measles: This is a severe type of World Cup pyrexia where everything goes spiralling downwards and the infected system collapses into a vegetative state. The brain a.k.a Domanech is affected first and then it starts sending pseudo signals to the system like signaling the immune system a.k.a system defense to let down all guards to ensure that the system gets familiar to all sorts of external attacks like auto immunity . The French Measles has been declared as a global pandemic in Paris by French Government and is on a look out for a certain Algerian who they now feel has a better head than the current infected one to resist and react against external forces.

Italian Gastroenteritis: A very common form of illness that is categorized in almost all World Cup fevers and is still perplexing all our experts on how it works does not work. Our past studies have shown that the causative organism has a rather unique way of taking root. This virus either attacks the system as soon as the hyperthermia peaks or at times when the hyperthermia is at its nadir. Currently, it has gained entry into the system at the initial stages and looks all set to release the cytokines out of the system. The reason why this illness is quiet perplexing to our experts is that in their 1994 study, there was no Dysentery at all until the last stages of the tournament while in 1998 and 2002 case studies, this dysentery followed the same aetiopathogenesis by sequestering within the system and delivering vital blows. The case study got beyond the realms of our clinical experts for the 2006 case study. In this case study, it was discovered that this infection was highly contagious and even more infectious than French Measles.

With the pyrexia, which is just a week or so old, causing such extensive morbidity, our clinicians have inferred that the worst is yet to come. The team would also like to add that their research grant is long overdue from FIFA and that non payment of grants can result in terminal consequences and mortality and morbidity .