on a clear day...

Off for the (sober) weekend

2009-11-05T19:16:00.003-05:00

Heading north this weekend to help our eldest daughter set up the condo she (finally) managed to purchase. Home purchases can be an extremely stressful process, especially in the aftermath of the fiscal meltdown.

After making the offer, she decided to go with lender #1. Lender #2 was extremely unprofessional and slandered #1, saying they couldn't get the loan done, they were using a bait and switch on the rate, and so on. Needless and unethical sour grapes that caused unnecessary stress early on.

Then, on the day before closing, the lender calls and says that no one will write mortgage insurance on these condos, which is required for a 10% down loan. The apartment she was in was already rented out, so instead of moving into a condo, she moved into a storage unit, well her stuff did...she found a couch with friends. The contingency date past, a substantial deposit was at risk of being lost.

FHA didn't seem to be an option, but that is the route the lender took next. One week later, FHA approved, the close took place...can't get a loan for 10% down, but can with 3.5%. These are interesting times.

So, the plane tickets we purchased will not go to waste, the deposit was not lost, and a teeth gnashing, hair pulling, stressful week seems to be coming to a happy ending.

While packing I thought back to trips in the past when I looked up the drinking laws of the state visiting, to make sure I had access to a ample supply of beer. If it looked like I might not be able to find a store near the hotel I would pack a bottle. If I ever have a doubt, memories like this fully confirm my alcoholism... Anyway, now there is one less thing to worry about, and flying without a hangover is so much better than flying with one.

In the news

2009-10-31T22:20:00.003-04:00

I heard the following story on the news today:

Students of Marion County Public Schools, in Ocala, Fla., were surprised when a couple driving a riding lawnmower struck their school bus, causing the two riders to fall off. Neither Ron Martin, 29, nor Charlene Mallorey, 30, were injured, but they were definitely something — drunk. The two quickly — well maybe not too quickly — jumped up, and when they heard the students laughing at them, began banging on the school bus door and demanding to be let on.

Officers were called to the scene and, surprisingly, Martin had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath, his eyes were bloodshot and watery, and his speech was slurred. Shockingly, he has also unwilling to cooperate with police and was arrested and taken into custody.

I'm not really 'surprised' or 'shocked' about the aspect of alcohol and Martin's unwillingness to cooperate. Most folks probably think this is a funny story. I guess they're correct in a way, but I think it's kinda sad to see someone steal a lawnmower, drive it drunk, run into a school bus, and then try to break nto the bus when laughed at. I guess reading about alcoholics or addicts screwing up simply doesn't tickle my funny bone.

In other news, a motorized La-Z-Boy used by a man who pleaded guilty to driving it drunk is going up for auction on Ebay. The chair is powered by a lawnmower engine, and comes equipped with a stereo, cup holders and lights. Top speed is 20 mph.

With the advent of these alternative vehicles I may need to reevaluate my opinion on mandatory interlock devices.

I am simply grateful that today I am sober, and not worried about driving under the influence.

Going going gone!

2009-10-28T19:22:00.003-04:00

The house that I grew up in is sold, finally. My mom is now living in an apartment with other seniors and is the happiest that I have seen her in a very long time. After my father passed away last summer she was alone much of the time. With the exception of one sibling, the rest of us moved away long ago (to jobs). Some of my aunts and uncles are still in the area. Still, without my father, and never learning to drive, she was quite isolated in a pretty drafty house that cost way too much to maintain. Up north the days grow very short in the winter, and the snowbanks quite tall.

So now she is in a bright apartment, surrounded with others her age. There is transportation for doctors appointments, a van to the grocery store, trails for walking, and many many activities. The positive change that I have seen in her since the move is quite amazing.

Even while my father was still alive, the last few years were pretty rough at times. He was a four year lung cancer survivor, and we were fortunate for all those years. However, the toll lung cancer takes on a person is painful, uncomfortable, and draining as the battle is fought to an inevitable end. The mental and physical demand on the caregiver is also extremely difficult.

My request today, for anyone still smoking, is to stop now. The facts are quite clear, it causes cancer. As a long time ex-smoker I will share that quitting is hard (like beating any addiction), but the benefits are sooo worth the effort. If you won't do it for you, please do it for those who love and care for you. It is not just yourself that you are affecting.

And if you have children:

Sad but true

2009-10-23T20:55:00.004-04:00

(image credit-WQD Forum)

So, I happened to pick up the local school paper while out having coffee with friends. The headline was about a faculty member (many published books, quite an impressive background) and a shuttle driver who drives (used to drive) students from place to place. In separate incidents, both were caught drunk at work, arrested, and terminated. The discussion around the table was 'what were they thinking'. I was pretty sure that I knew what they were thinking, and offered that alcoholism is an equal opportunity affliction. Got a couple of head nods with that comment.

While not intending to minimize the seriousness of this, and the fact that what they did was horribly wrong; still, I think that I can identify with the 'why'. I don't know these individuals, but hope and pray that they come to also realize the why, and find the help they need. Fortunately, no one was hurt.

Just another reminder of why I hate alcoHell.

Interlock Device Mandate

2009-10-18T19:47:00.003-04:00

A component of the draft Highway Bill will mandate that all 50 states require ignition interlock devices for drunken driving convictions. Not doing so will mean the loss of federal highway funds. Two groups are protesting, lawyers who defend drunk drivers and the American Beverage Institute (ABI). Here is an excerpt of a letter written by ABI to the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee:

Mandating ignition interlocks for low-BAC (blood alcohol concentration), first-time DUI offenders is the wrong approach.

The average BAC of drunk drivers involved in fatal accidents is .19—more than twice every state’s legal limit of .08. Studies have shown that drivers are more dangerous talking on a hands-free cell phone than they are driving at .08 BAC. And yet that is the level at which this bill would mandate ignition interlock devices—which, due to their fallibility and intrusiveness, have previously been reserved for hard-core offenders.

Only 11 states currently have the interlock device included as punishment for first time offenders with a BAC below .15.

Why would this Restaurant Trade Association and the aforementioned group of lawyers oppose this restriction after the first DUI? Easy answer, money.

Of course, they're wrong, and their profits should not be a factor when a simple device can save so many lives. Some statistics:

Nationally, an estimated two million drunk drivers with three or more convictions, including 400,000 drunk drivers with five or more convictions will share our roadways this holiday season. (DALLAS, Nov. 25, 2008 — MADD website)
Alcohol-related car crashes kill someone every 30 minutes and injure someone every two minutes.
In the United States, drunk driving is the leading criminal cause of death.
More than 17,000 people are the victims of drunk driving accidents every year.
Approximately 40% of all motor-vehicle fatalities are alcohol-related.
Frequent drunk drivers are responsible for almost 60% of alcohol-related fatalities.

"Frequent drunk drivers"...60 percent.

I am generally against the federal government dictating what states need to pass as laws, but I really hope this goes through. Stop the frequent drunk drivers the first time they are caught.

Escort

2009-10-11T11:06:00.004-04:00

This morning I had the privilege to ride as an escort to a fallen Hero, from a local airport to the funeral home in northern Virginia. The only reason that I post about this at all is due to the overwhelming turnout along the way. I was taken aback, perhaps due to my own ignorance...but what I consider huge crowds lined the way, along miles of country roads. Families, Boy Scouts, firefighters, all sorts of folks. I was totally moved and pleasantly surprised, on an otherwise sad and somber day.

Edit to add: slide show here: Mommy Life blog

Mean people, conflict resolution, and a wedding

2009-10-07T12:33:00.005-04:00

Back when I was living in Arizona one of my fellow workers was just plain mean and angry. It appeared to many of us that he got out of bed each morning and made a conscious decision to be miserable, and to make as many of us as possible miserable. From time to time we would discuss how horrible it must be to go through life in such a way. The joke was that if he made a mistake and got out of bed on the right side, he'd crawl back in to be sure and get up on the wrong side of the bed, each and every day.

So, this week an extremely agitated father stopped by. It seemed that the only purpose for his visit to our office was to rip off someone's head. He was so angry that he was visibly shaking. It took a little time, but we were eventually able to help him relax. My approach was to try and see things from his perspective, and when he understood that I was agreeing with his position, it helped diffuse things. However, while I agreed with him, I also had to explain the federal laws that created the original issue. Still, sincerely trying to understand why a person is upset often allows for a relatively happy resolution. Genuine empathy is really hard at times, but can be so helpful in resolving conflict.

Which brings me to the wedding I attended last weekend. It was a wonderful ceremony (I wasn't even tempted by the free drinks), and the sermon was awesome. Of course, it centered on the union of husband and wife and the sanctity of marriage. But what stood out to me was the minister's focus on the interconnectedness of all life, and of love, and one's higher power. It was very inclusive of all religions and his words really 'hit home' so to speak.

It reminded me that happy or sad, mean or kind, we are all connected to the environment and to each other. Perhaps, just perhaps, if we had the kindness to reach out to that person in Arizona, the workplace would have been much less toxic. As we are affected by the environment, so too, we affect it. There is a Japanese term for this, esho funi, or the oneness of life and its environment. At times our surroundings are simply a reflection of ourselves. It really isn't 'me' and 'you', it is simply 'us'.

Songs I remember from the past

2009-09-30T21:23:00.004-04:00

Stationed in what was then West Germany, circa 1978...

"Angel of darkness is upon you. Stuck a needle in your arm. So take another toke, have a blow for your nose. One more drink fool, will drown you"

The one thing that stands out about this song, at this time, is that we listened to it over and over, while doing exactly what the lyrics warn against. We heard the words, but we didn't listen

And it reminds me of the time when all I cared about was getting high or drunk. Nothing really mattered, not health, not a career, actually not even living - with the exception of existing for the next opportunity to get stoned.

Which, as I look back, seems to be the mindset of an addict, and the manner in which I lived. There were many bottoms after this time period, and really, never an epiphany that I needed to change. Recovery has been a very slow journey for me, and I've been down quite a few side roads along the way.

I can't go back and change the past, it is what it is. However, I can take the steps to not repeat past mistakes, and continue to grow. This chance at living sober is a very generous gift that I have, one that I do not take for granted. Life is so very precious and fleeting, and I am extremely grateful to have a chance to experience it clean and sober. One day at a time.

Workin'

2009-09-25T21:03:00.007-04:00

Finally Friday, again.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but gosh - the technology challenges at work are simply amazing. We've got a very high volume, service related function, and when the phones, payment portal, installment plans, charge assessment, and refund program all go on the fritz during one of the busiest time...wow. It's the people that make me stay; the staff and my supervisor are fantastic.

And we dodged the worse, yet again. After our latest round of cuts, no layoffs. No raises (it's been years since the last increase), open positions will remain open, and a mandatory furlough....but no layoffs.

Back home in upstate New York they are entering what is called "Demolition Season", where they go in and demolish unsafe abandoned houses that the city has taken over for unpaid taxes. One recently collapsed, which is speeding things up a bit...

Today I'm grateful for the basics to live comfortably and safe, and for a relatively secure job.

And for my sobriety.

Friday Flash 55

2009-09-11T07:19:00.003-04:00

It has been eight years since the attack on the WTC and Pentagon. I vividly remember where I was, and the sky was eerily silent as I drove to work. As we went about our mundane tasks the horror slowly unfolded. Today, a prayer and a moment of silence for the innocents and the fallen.

Labor Day

2009-09-07T19:39:00.003-04:00

Things are settling down now, while this is a crazy time of year in regards to my work, it is also a really neat time. Summer is slowly turning to autumn, and there is a touch of coolness in the evenings and early mornings. My workplace is like a sleepy ghost town that has suddenly awakened with youth and learning, and with the buzz of expectation and a little bit of nervousness. So, even though things are hectic and challenging, this is my favorite time of the year, work-wise.

And I wasn't without a bike for very long...as soon as the new owner took off on my bike, I missed riding. So I checked some of the used listings and picked up mid sized cruiser on Saturday. It is bigger, a little older, and cost a little less than the one I sold...One hobby I am not quite ready to give up.

So, my days, evenings and weekends have been full. It is so nice to have hangover-less time to do well at work, get up early and have a productive weekend, and not waste away each evening getting wasted. Nice not to have alcohell stealing my time, my health, and my life.

The new bike, a 2004 Honda Shadow Aero:

The time of year

2009-08-23T20:00:00.003-04:00

Its that time of year where work gets busy, flowing over into personal time; and that's okay. However, I haven't had time to read the blogs I enjoy, or post in the last week, and probably won't until things settle down and get somewhat back to normal again.

Life is good, time flies by when busy, and I am sober.

Be back soonest.

Fall down, get up

2009-08-17T13:28:00.003-04:00

(inspirational video received via email)

Josh Hamilton is an outfielder with the Texas Rangers and a recovering addict. A website, which I won't name, recently published pics of Hamilton's public relapse in Arizona last January, titled "The Devil is still in Josh Hamilton."

Personally, I think the devil is still in all of us addicts.

From the Sports Illustrated web site:

Hamilton said he went out to dinner at a restaurant/bar and decided to have a drink. He said one thing led to another and he ended up excessively intoxicated. He said he had trouble remembering what happened that night. "I just wasn't mentally fit or spiritually fit," Hamilton said. "It just crossed my mind that night, 'Can I have a drink?' Obviously I can't and this reinforces that. Since that night, I have not had another thought like that. I know it's something I shouldn't do because it leads to other things." Hamilton said he woke up the next morning and realized what he had done was wrong. He immediately called his wife and admitted what he had done. That was the hardest part.

He was lucky, in my opinion. He only relapsed for a day. Even as bad as it is, it could have been much worse. I have to hand it to him, he realized he blew it, knew he was dead wrong, and got right back on track.

Goals and rewards

2009-08-15T14:34:00.005-04:00

Skyline Drive, Shenandoah Mountains

Many say, and I agree, that receiving a reward for achieving a tough goal is a great tool to help stay focused while working towards the target. In 2007 when I was one year sober I bought a motorcycle. Doing the math, the price was roughly equal to what I saved by not drinking over the first year.

Well, today I sold the bike. I've halfheartedly had it on and off the market three times in the last year and a half, due to my sciatica/hamstring/gluteal pain. It made sense to let it go, I purchased it to cruise the Virginia countryside and was now relegated to using it for the 10 mile commute to work. It is not fun to ride in rush hour traffic when it is 90 degrees. I sold it for 200 bucks less than what I paid, after 2 1/2 years and 2000 miles. Not a loss, but still, it was sold with mixed emotions.

One of the things my wife mentioned as I was exchanging emails with the buyer over the last few days is that once my back is better, I can go ahead and get a Harley. Well, I've pretty much latched on to this idea, and much of the work for the recovery is on me, regular stretching and core work. I see this as another goal for me, get healed and then purchase the bigger bike I've always wanted.

I'm off to get this money into the savings account for a happier day. And to the gym for some core work and stretching. :-)

Friday Flash 55

2009-08-14T06:54:00.002-04:00

“Should I do it?” Jim had wondered. “Go for it”, several of his friends urged. Jim wasn’t sure, he knew once started he couldn’t change his mind. He ultimately decided in favor, grimacing as the blood was wiped away. Twenty healthy years later he looked at the sobriety date tattooed on his arm and smiled.

Friday Flash 55, let the G-Man know if you've got one.

Doctor, doctor, on the wall

2009-08-13T13:33:00.001-04:00

I feel like this is a bad fairy tell, perhaps nearing a happy ending?

Today was yet another pain management appointment. I finally feel like I am getting close to a final resolution on this. It looks like I will finally receive a MRI of the hip area. The doc also doesn't think this is referred pain from my back, but rather a local issue in the gluteal area. This was after a review of the previous lumbar MRI and flexion/extension xray. Good news, indeed. Eighteen months and counting...

forty or so years ago today

2009-08-12T20:13:00.005-04:00

It's interesting how outside stimuli can trigger old memories (at least for me). While out for an evening jog the smell of charcoal grilling was in the air...not the new fangled gas grills that most of us now use, but a bone fide 'old school' charcoal, can of lighter fluid ignited barbecue.

This brought me back to the hot summer days that my brother, mother and father would spend on the Sacandaga Lake. Those were simple and happy times. It didn't cost much, and pretty much every weekend we'd pack a cooler, grill, lawn chairs and towels; and head for the beach. We found a smaller and less crowded place to go, and it was like having the entire lake to ourselves. Floats and water toys were allowed, we'd hang out all day, my parents would mostly relax in the shade and read the Sunday paper. The food was standard fare, burgers, dogs and perhaps some chips. BBQ food always seemed to taste better at the lake. If we were really lucky we got to have a treat from the little concession stand, or we might stop off for Tastee Freeze soft ice cream on the way home.

Good times, great memories. No alcohol necessary.

I find this mind boggling...

2009-08-09T11:48:00.006-04:00

These quotes were all taken out of the local paper, in an article about Skylar Schnippel's sentencing. Back when I was using I always thought that those on the other side had no clue. The following shows that many don't understand drugs and addiction.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Erik Barnett stated: "Unless individuals were wealthy and willing to get help, there were no tools available to help them fight their heroin addictions".

...said Barnett in court, "There was no clear reason why [Schnippel] started using heroin. We couldn’t find the childhood trauma or sense of loss. He had every advantage of family and luxuries available. It seemed much more of a choice for him.

"...investigators and police ... realized three things: There was a heroin problem; as federal agents, we didn’t know a lot about heroin; and we had a pandemic — a public-health emergency.

They're correct, they don't know a lot about drugs, or about addiction.

First, addiction is not constrained to those with childhood trauma or loss. Next, it doesn't cost a penny to go to NA, which can be just as effective as the pricey rehabs he is referring to. I had weekly counseling, but the only thing that got me clean was hitting bottom, the acknowledgement that I was powerless over drugs and an overwhelming desire to get better. With these three tools in hand I got clean (and sober, also).

Perhaps if the folks who are enforcing the laws, and those who are making the laws obtain an understanding of drugs and addiction, programs can be put in place to help those in need before a tragedy occurs...however, it is still up to the addict to get to step one.

I received the following advice in my mailbox recently, and I repost it here for anyone with younger children than mine.

Counselor John Wanner of Father Martin’s Ashley, an addiction treatment facility based in Havre de Grace, Md., offers the following tips for parents, which we invite you to share with your audience:

Stop the problem before it starts:

o Stay involved in your child’s life: Meet their friends and ask what they’re doing

o Be honest if they ask about your drug and alcohol experimentation: Resist the temptation to soften your stance because you feel guilty about your past behavior. Follow your candid response with lessons you learned

o Set boundaries: Tell them where you stand and what you expect from their behavior

Handle suspicions:

o Look for signs: Indicators include isolation and secrecy, missing curfews and family functions, new circles of friends and acquisition of gadgets (kids don’t sell drugs for money; they do it to support their own habit)

o Confront them if you’re suspicious: Be the parent and let the counselor be empathetic

o Set a behavioral contract: Make the consequences tangible. For example, drinking and driving results in losing the car or the elimination of an allowance

Manage the road to recovery:

o Give them ownership: Don’t force them into treatment. If “their way” doesn’t work, then put your foot down

o Consider your history: Alcoholism is hereditary. If there’s a history, be aggressive about pushing treatment

o Let them suffer consequences: If they get in trouble, let them find and pay for an attorney, for example

o Institute a zero tolerance policy: If you’ve caught them once, conduct random drug tests (be aware: there are supplements sold at stores like GNC kids will take to pass a drug test)
--------
Happy Sober Sunday! Stay sober, stay strong.

Friday Flash 55

2009-08-07T06:59:00.002-04:00

The days grew shorter as summer faded away into autumn. Fighting apprehension and some nervousness, the young man made his way down the walkway, in a crowd, but alone. He fumbled with the door and shuffled down the hall. Finally he found what he had come for, Room 101 and his first day of college.

Stop by the the G-man to let him know if you have a FF55 of your own!

OK, I passed, now what?

2009-08-02T15:40:00.003-04:00

One point mentioned here before is that goals become easier to achieve once sober, at least that has been my experience. This is not to say that we didn't get anything done while drinking, I finished my MBA while working and raising a family, just that getting stuff done is a lot easier and healthier sober. So I am now a Certified Personal Trainer, what next?

Originally, the idea was to become certified in an attempt to learn enough to develop a workout routine to alleviate my bursitis/piriformis/tendinitis discomfort. Plus, fitness is an interest I've always had. Of course, I also wanted to go to the workshops and fitness conferences my DW attends. These were the goals and reasons at the beginning, but now that I passed I am looking for more.

My wife's clients include folks of all fitness levels, many who have overcome great challenges to lead an active lifestyle. She loves her job of helping people achieve their goals, and her clients love her (which has led to many many referrals). So, now I want to try some sessions too. I originally didn't think I was going to use this certificate to train, but this is where I am heading, at least part time. I'm not leaving my current job, and it isn't for the money...I'd like to see how this periodization of training model works in real life.

So, I am putting together my profile and adding it to our business web site. I will also place some ads in search of a client or two. I started a fitness blog months ago that I never posted to, which will be another of my new endeavors. It feels like I am at a crossroads with this, and I am excited to see where this leads.

I think there is so much we can do sober, the sky is the limit.

Today is the day

2009-08-01T07:57:00.003-04:00

I've immersed myself in heart rates, physiologic assessments, training zones, anatomy, planes of motion, corrective stretching and strength routines, and more. It has been a (great) learning experience. My wife says I am working harder at this than I did on my MBA. I think she's correct, probably since I don't have a background in this beyond working out.

The test is this afternoon, and after that I am a Certified Personal Trainer.

or - I am back to the books.

Which is where I need to be now.

Hope to have some free time back after today.

Happy Sober Saturday!

On the lighter side

2009-07-28T13:05:00.002-04:00

Cute cat video...

Always love to see cute videos show up in my email box. I am not sure if they are real or staged, but it doesn't really matter, I suppose. Anything that brings a smile or chuckle is a good thing.

"If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day — go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime — help someone else."
Chinese Proverb

Addiction, the thief of lives

2009-07-25T17:02:00.012-04:00

This is Alicia Lannes, who died of a heroin overdose on March 5, 2008, months after graduating from Westfield High School. It wasn't her first overdose, and her parents did everything they could to save her, including sending her away to an inpatient rehab. She sneaked out of her house and met with her boyfriend and together they scored the fatal dose.

And this is Skylar Schnippel, the boyfriend who was sentenced to two decades in prison for his role in her death. An athletic student who was on Westfield's inline hockey team, he met Alicia when she was a Varsity Cheerleader. The night of her death his disappearance from home was discovered, and he was called back to his house. Alicia also went back home, where she overdosed by herself. These were two seemingly good kids who had it all, good homes, a good school and their entire lives ahead of them. All brought to an end by addiction.

As a father of two daughters and an addict, this story grabbed me. I don't have the solution. Perhaps earlier education, more attention to the problem in the schools, better treatment options? I'm not sure any of these could have helped.

"When I heard that Alicia had used heroin, you might as well have told me that she'd become president of Pakistan." -Alicia's father Greg

As parents we will do everything possible to help our kids. When faced by the overwhelming power of addiction, sometimes 'everything possible' is still not enough.

Two promising lives ruined by an addiction to heroin.

There but for the grace of God go I.

We Quit Drinking site down

2009-07-25T08:31:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note to any WQD forum members who may be reading.

The site is down (again)

Two good resources to read and participate:

The Second Road

Sober Recovery Forums

Stay sober, stay strong.

and finally...

2009-07-22T05:48:00.002-04:00

I read exactly what I needed to read last night at Syds.

But it seems that I can't just let this debate thing go. But I will. After this.

One of the comments was that this was an example of different quit methods being debated. Not true. I can't see how this has anything to do with a "quit method" or recovery.

For example, I have seen discussions in meetings about missing drinking, and then the point that we can't do this because we are different. However, I can't recall anyone standing up at a meeting talking about the health benefits that we are missing out on because we don't drink. That moves the conversation to an entirely different and dangerous topic.

So, if I am incorrect and the supposed health benefits of this poison are a suitable discussion topic for recovery or amongst alcoholics, including how we will die earlier (not my words) because we are not able to have two drinks a day, then I am all ears.

Now I can let this go once and for all. Rant over.