Fact: I once worked at a private school where it was a rule that no student could touch another student. Not even shaking hands or hugging. It was believed this would lead to inappropriate touching soon after. Try to fathom that rule for a minute in a school that had grades Pre-K up to 8th grade. I guess maybe that’s why I’m not too surprised to see the lovely musical disaster above, and it’s message of “side hugging”. I guess to avoid the sinful ways of full frontal hugging. Who knows. Christian messages like this just makes my nose bleed.

Going to guess this isn’t related to SIDE TALKIN’.

Unfortunately for them, the video game world has taken pretty much the same stance on “girl” games. There are Barbie games where you get to pick out her clothes and style her virtual hair. There was a complete train wreck of a game released about the Spice Girls a few years back that I tried, and to the best of my knowledge all I could figure out how to do was change the background of the game while they dance – and I completed a level with a good score! But finally I thought I had found a game for younger girls that would have to be awesome. It was based on one of the best girl cartoon shows ever, the Powerpuff Girls, and the show screams “make a fairly uninspired, yet strangely fun game out of me!” But the developers did not listen to the show, and girls all over the world are left playing Mario Kart.

Ok, this looked pretty standard at this point...

First lets go over the few things I liked about this game. First off, the cinematics of the Powerpuff Girls look really, really good. They even reproduced the introduction sequence to the show, and it looks great. At this point I was thrilled, because to my surprise they had the voice actors get involved in the game (I’m not 100% sure of that, but the story is all new to the game, and the voices are the same as in the show, so I’ll assume that they hired those actors.)

The girls in their 3-dimensional glory! ...in the cinematic only...

Original story? Yep, that’s what I said. And what is this epic quest you are set upon? Well, much like the cartoon this story begins with those four words every little girl wants to hear, “Yes, I used lubricant”. No wait that’s not it… Oh yeah, it starts with :

The City of Townsville

And what horrible situation have the girls been sent up against this time? Well, the story starts with the girls making a pie out of Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice, but Bubbles has an extra ingrediant to add… Chemical X! To those of you who don’t spend your friday nights watching cartoon shows meant for people half our age or younger, Chemical X is the special ingrediant that game the Powerpuff Girls their special powers. From what I figure, Chemical X must also be the ingrediant that Taco Bell puts in their food, because not only is their food amazingly addicting, the resulting shit-fest that is guaranteed to follow could be misconstrued as some sort of super-power. Anyway, the girls make a pie out of it, but it is stolen! And by who? (Or is it “whom”? Bah, who cares. Grammar is gay.)

Mooooooooojo Jojo!

That’s right, the potion was stolen by none other than Mojo Jojo. That is to say Mojo Jojo has stolen the pie. The pie they have made is missing, and Mojo Jojo is the one who has taken it. The pie was taken by an evil genius, and nobody is more evil or more genius than Mojo Jojo, so we can conclude that Mojo Jojo is the one who has taken that pie. (Another note to people who don’t watch the show… that is how Mojo Jojo talks. That last paragraph was a parody of the show, not me losing my mind.) Mojo took the pie because he knew it was filled with Chemical X. But what does he do with a pie filled with Chemical X? Why he has a party and the other villains of Townsville eat it. Really.

A good evil scheme should always involve pie.

After eating the super powered pie, the baddies then take over Townsville, because they are now as powerful as the Powerpuff Girls! The girls must go through the locations of Townsville and take the city back from Mojo Jojo and the others. Sounds like it could be fun, right? Well, unfortunately it’s not.

First off, I was extremely disappointed that this game was not a 2D game. Since it’s based on a cartoon, there is no reason not to have made it look exactly like the cartoon – flat and pretty. Unfortunately, they made the game out of polygons. They also made the game in apparently twenty minutes. This results in a game that looks jagged and ugly, and plays like crap. Look at the horror they have created!

Yeah, I play as Bubbles... stop laughing at me!

There is the game itself, this time in the Mayor’s Office. I’m fighting Big Billy (of the Gangreen Gang). So how do you fight in this game? Well, you do one of two things. You can run up and punch them or you can throw objects at them. Well, punching them is a bad idea, because the computer hits faster than you can recover. This means if you get hit once, prepare to get hit repeatedly, as if you were dating Ike Turner. So my experience was to throw items at the opponent. There are problems with that as well. If you get hit by an object while you are throwing an object or even if you have just thrown an object and it is flying at the bad guys head once their object hits you, your object vanishes. This means whoever bangs of the throw button faster automatically wins. Whee. But wait! There is more!

See at the top of the screen (by the life bar) there are three vials? That is how you power up your special weapon. You have to collect three vials of Chemical X, and then you can shoot your mighty eyebeams at the enemy. This is actually the only way to do enough damage to win, since every time I tried to throw something, I got hit with something else before I ever got a chance to throw it. So, as I said, you collect three vials, and shoot laser doom at your enemies.

Looking at this picture makes the game look slightly exciting. Don't be fooled.

After playing this game for a few hours, I got about 67% of the way through (according to my save file). I also learned a few things about this game that might help ANY of you that are foolish enough to play it. First, all you have to do is jump around like a retard and try to collect vials. As soon as you get three, fire away. Repeat this three times and you’ll beat every opponent, at least through Ace (another member of the Gangreen Gang). The second thing I learned is that the disc itself makes a fine coaster, and the booklet makes great origami paper. I really don’t see why this game was made. Maybe it gets better?

Another shitty level! Another shitty fight! ... Another wasted night for me.

NO. The game continues, level after level of mind-numbing, button-mashing “action”. I put action in quotes because this game has about as much action as a book about my life would.

Here is a good idea for the Powerpuff Girl people. Make a side scrolling shooter (like R-Type, or Gradius) with the Powerpuff Girls as the main characters. This would be the best poosible game for these characters to be in. I mean, lets analyze their powers.

• They can fly – This would make the idea of a side scrolling shooter much easier to believe.
• They shoot beams from thier eyes – Again, a much more believable shooter.
• They all have slightly different attacks – In the show, Blossom has freeze breath, and the others… well they do something too. (Hey, I just watch the show, I didn’t dedicate my life to cataloging all the episodes…. I did that for Mr. Belvedere). This would make each character have special moves, and then depending on who you play as, the game is slightly different.

Apparently the Game Boy game does play like this, but if it was on Playstation it could even be a three player shooter! But I guess I should stop dreaming and face reality…

This game sucks.

This level is in a junkyard! That's fitting...

At this point, I had fought Big Billy, Sedusa, Princess, Fuzzy Lumpkins, and had gotten to Ace. Ace is actually incredibly hard because there are enough items he can throw at me. I never had the chance to move or anything he just kept pelting me with bricks and trash. It reminded me of my time with the Boy Scouts, so I had to quit. But what will happen to Townsville? Will the Powerpuff Girls save the city, or will Mojo and his gang control Townsville forever?

Who cares… I’d rather laminate my testicles then play this failed abortion again.

I say this because today’s review has not only reassured me that hentai is the most sadly humorous form of entertainment ever created, but also because this movie contains some of the most laughably insane scenes that I have ever witnessed. And any movie featuring a prominent role for a blow-up sex doll with a giant afro is more than deserving of anyone’s amazement. Yes, that movie is none other than F3 Part 3, the final (I really, really, hope) episode in the F3 trilogy.

If you missed our first two reviews of parts one and two of F3, then I suggest you go read them now, so that you might have at least a basic underlying knowledge of what is happening so far in these films as far as plot goes. If however, you are too lazy to go back and read those reviews, or simply do not have a high threshold for pain, then I will do my best to sum up what has happened so far in brief episode rundowns below:

Episode 1: We meet our main character. She is a perfectly normal teenage girl, except she cannot bring herself to orgasm. Ever. Wacky fun and lesbian sex ensues.

Episode 2: We meet our main character. She is a perfectly normal teenage girl, except she cannot bring herself to orgasm. Ever. Wacky fun and lesbian sex ensues. Just a lot more than episode 1.

And so with reading that, you should be primed and ready to jump right into episode 3, which I’m pretty sure will not be straying too much from the course the first two episodes took. They always say you should never fix what isn’t broken, and it seems all the lesbian sex and large marital aids from the first two episodes will probably be making a strong return in part 3. It’s an unlikely combination for a successful an entertaining show, and F3 always seems to pull it off, just without ever being successful or entertaining. So with that said, let’s jump right into today’s review, and pray to God and any other mystical being you can think of that this will be the last time I ever have to write a boring opening diatribe for an F3 movie.

F3 Part 3

If you are thrown off by the title of this movie, then please be aware that this is indeed F3 Part 3, as opposed to F3 Part 2, or Part 1, or that one movie with Gwyneth Paltrow where she looks as if her mouth is about to drop off her face. Oh wait, that’s every movie that has Gwyneth Paltrow in it. What an actor! Anyway, we will indeed be seeing F3 Part 3 today, which will probably continue the storyline of the first two episodes in the loosest way possible, so the director can insert as much nonsensical sex into the film as possible. Or simply do what he seems to do best, and make the plot up as he goes along.

F3 Part 3 starts off logically enough, as we rejoin our heroine after another long night of lesbian sex with her mother, sister, and co-ed naked lesbian friend. She is of course sad and angry at herself for not being able to come at all, and shows her anger by screaming Japanese words really loud. But all is not well in Japan world this night, which the director clues us unsuspecting retards in by playing creepy music and having lighting strike in ominous and scary ways. But even with the obvious evil overtones happening, our heroine is completely oblivious to such things, and is more concerned about her current status as a freak of nature. She then decides to continue her screaming at the window, but before she can belt out another annoying shriek, the camera zooms through the window to indicate that it is time for the title screen to appear, and inform us that we are watching F3 Part 3, which seems to be called “Night of the F3″, or something like that.

After the horror that is the title screen of bare minimum production values, we rejoin the movie, and find that one of the lesbians is walking down a dark hall while more lightening strikes. I’m going to do a dangerous thing now and take a hint that this episode of F3 is going to try and parody a horror film. This probably isn’t a good thing, since the previous two episodes of F3 were already frightening enough without even trying to be scary. But now that the director has went all out horror movie free-flow style on us, and is currently breaking it down proper, I’m not sure I’ll be able to sit through such horrors. It’s not the horror movie thing that scares me though, since I can usually sit through any horror movie and point out thousands of very slight inconsistencies in each scene of the movie until my friends start paying me money to leave the room and go do something else. In general, I do not find them very scary, but we must realize that this is F3, and if the director could think up the previous two episodes without being sedated and secured tightly to a chair with strong rope, then there is no telling what kind of true horrors this man might be able to think up. You may be sitting there thinking that I am simply trying to be humorous. Well you’d be wrong, because I am never humorous, and the things that will happen in this film are probably much worse than you can imagine.

Meanwhile, back in the room, our heroine and her friends hear a scream and decide it might be a good idea to go see who might have died in some horrible gory way. As they inch down the hall of foreboding music, they eventually find the source of the screaming. It seems our victim was not brutally murdered after all, and has simply had approximately thirty dildos inserted into her various orifices, to which the other characters just kind of brush off. I really can’t blame them though, as this seems to be a pretty normal occurance anyway. But what does get their attention however, is a gooey substance on the poor victimized girl, which they immediately identify as a man’s semen. Let me repeat that in all caps so that it hammers into your brain: A MAN’S SEMEN.

But how could she have been with a man if there is no man in the house whatsoever? That’s a good question, and one that will probably have surprising results once I get around to writing about it. As for now though, our group of frightened, half-naked lesbians do what any group of frightened half-naked lesbians would do in a horror movie: They split up.

We begin following our heroine and her sister as they investigate the kitchen of slight spookiness, until our heroine begins speaking very strangely. We can tell this because the voice coming from our heroine is not the high-pitched shrill we have all come to know and cover our ears from. No, instead she seems to have a very manly voice, and is making suggestive comments to her sister about if she ever wanted to have sex with a man. Of course her sister thinks nothing of this until she turns around, and to her horror, finds that our heroine has become possessed by an evil demon, and has, of course, grown a fairly large penis as a result.

Now please excuse me while I VOMIT FOREVER. It gets even better when our heroine coaxes her sister into having oral sex, and several other forms of sex until the rest of the group arrives to see the horror before them. Unfortunately, their reaction isn’t quite as severe as mine, which involves lots and lots of screaming.

So the problem has presented itself. We have a small teenage girl that has been possessed by an evil demon, grown a penis, and has an insatiable urge to have sex with every woman in the building. Something must be done to rectify this situation before it gets out of hand and more horribly disturbing scenes is imagined by the director, who I am convinced by now is not human, and instead some highly concentrated form of hate and crippling fear. So who you gonna call? You gonna call a psychic. A sexy psychic!

Our sexy psychic arrives just in time to help do away with the evil presence that has manifested in the crotch of our young heroine. She decides that the only way to perhaps make the demon leave is to shock it into leaving. But how are they going to do this? And furthermore, why can’t I see anything out of my left eye? The answers will surely surprise both of us, as one of them has absolutely nothing to do with jamming a fork into my eye from the sheer terror of this movie. Anyway, the psychic informs everyone that they simply need to let our demon-posessed heroine give them oral sex, while she administers some oral pleasure herself. She continues to do this until our heroine finally comes with a nice big wad of spirit love-goo, and is thoroughly in after-glow mode. The psychic then decides to finally administer the shock to both the demon and what’s left of my frail existence by revealing that, yes, she has a penis too.

This certainly shocks our very manly demon, as he cannot believe he just got sucked off by a man, or close proximity thereof. But instead of having the effect of making the demon leave, the demon instead decides to simply go hogshit insane, and unleashes his hate upon everyone by possessing every sex toy in the room, making them form giant mutant sex toys, and then chasing after the girls. Okay.

To have a better understanding of the ninth layer of hell that is currently materializing inside my TV, I think we should take the time to look at these new characters in detail. This will not only let you get an idea of what exactly these characters are, but also to prove that I am not making these up, or imagined these things just to entertain myself.

Dildo Crabs: What happens when a bunch of dildos get possessed and are really pissed off? Why you join together into some type of weird crab animal, and fly around! I’m sorry, you’re just gonna have to imagine this to be a plausible scenario. This character is by far the most menacing, as I really can’t imagine I would find anything more frightening than a mass of dildos shaped like crabs floating around my room.

Stuffed Animal Strap-On: The stuffed bear gets possessed, and the strap-on dildo gets possessed, so why not join together to make the most disturbing thing ever imagined by the human mind? Not only is it cute and cuddly, but it also has a nine inch rubber penis attached to it. I have to admit that this is far more plausible thanks to various online amateur porn video streaming sites. Oh, it can also fly too.

Blow-Up Afro Man of Love: There is nothing more I need to describe of this since the picture tells more than I ever could. Just know that it is alive, it has an afro, and it floats around slowly, eating my sanity.

Now that you’ve met the trio of terror, let’s move on. The girls continue to panic and run through the house being taken down one by one in typical horror movie fashion until the only two left is the Mother and the psychic. Seeing the desperate situation before them, the psychic decides to once again throw out another brilliant plan. On that, JUST MIGHT WORK. Her idea this time is to simply bargain with the demon. The deal is as follows: The psychic and the demon will square off in a one on one sex frenzy. If the psychic comes first, the demon gets to have his way with everyone. However, if the psychic wins, the demon will leave forever. So the two go at it for a few minutes, and not surprisingly the demon starts to win in this war of gyrating bodies. The psychic was prepared for this however, and still has a trump card to play before it’s over. Right before the demon is about to put on the “finishing touches” the psychic gives the signal to the mother, who reveals a massive dildo and continues to SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP THE DEMON’S ASS.

When this happened, I screamed. My dog screamed. My dead ancestors rose from the grave and screamed. The future generation of my family built a time machine, teleported to my living room, and screamed. Then I screamed again.

Anyway, by doing this, it makes the demon come first, thus making him realize that he is gay, and he decides to leave. The evil monsters are then unpossessed, the spirit leaves, and all is well enough for everyone to go ahead and have a lesbian sex scene before the movie finally ends. Afterwards, the credits thankfully roll, signaling it is safe to remove the plastic bag from my face.

Yes. It’s over. It’s finally over. The F3 series is officially closed as far as I’m concerned, as that was one of the most horrible things I have ever seen in my life. Looking back, the F3 series seems to have been nothing more than a worthless excuse to push the limits of stupidity, and the amount of stupidity you could fit into 25 minutes. On that idea alone, F3 has excelled beyond anyone’s expectations. Even my own, which is not easy. Especially coming from someone who sat through Sailor Moon and the Seven Ballz without crying out to God to strike me down. It takes a pretty special movie to make me want to stop living, and F3 came very, very close.

But that’s it folks. This officially signals the end of our three part review of F3, which seems to have lasted at least six years in doing so. I hope by seeing this you will stay far away from F3, and if you do want to see it, hopefully it will be for comedic value only. And on that note, I leave you with the only image that I can think of that accurately describes what I think about F3 as a whole:

Yes, I'm still screaming.

While looking through my collection the other day when a friend was here, I pulled out Trap Gunner, a game I had picked up for $20 when it was still relatively new, and hadn’t played in a long while. I brought it up, but received the Universal “Meh” of Non-Interest which sort of sucked because I wanted to play it… so after he left I turned it on, and now I’m hooked on it again, and have to find another person who thinks the same.

The idea of the game is simple… you are bounty hunters with one objective and one objective only, to kill your opponent and get money. How is this done, well, you do have guns, so I suppose you could run around and shoot each other, but there are lots of games like that that are far better in that aspect. This game however has a mechanic not seen since Spy vs. Spy on the NES you are able to set traps for each other that do amazing amounts of damage. That’s a game I can respect.

I'm the girl on the top half. I pick wussy characters, so that I look tougher in real life.

The game is shown in split screen, separated between the life bars of the characters. I actually hate split screen games, because it makes it far too easy to spy on the other character. I wish this game would have been made with a link mode, but unfortunately that is not the case. This is not too big a deal however, because the maps are big enough that you can get away with some amazing trap plans.

But what kind of traps can you set? Well, lets go through them, and I’ll give you my opinion of each.

Switch Detonator

This is the easiest weapon to use in the game. It’s a bomb with a trigger you control. There is not much skill involved in this weapon. Wait for the enemy to get close, push the button, and BOOM!

It's a brainless weapon, but it works well.

Force Panel

This trap when set off makes the opponent shoot across the screen in a direction you decide when you set that trap. It’s not all that good by itself, but it makes it easier for you to force an opponent into a much more deadly trap…

You can't tell here, but she's flying away from that red glowing thing. Really.

Mine

Uh… it’s a mine. It goes off if you step on it. If you need help with this, you shouldn’t be playing video games, operating a vehicle, or wasting my air.

That's me in the center... getting blown up is my specialty.

Bomb

This trap is useless on it’s own. The opponent can walk on it, poke it, prod it, molest it, and even have hot sex with it, and it won’t go off. It is only good in collaboration with either the Mine or (much preferred) the Detonator. If you place it next to one of these items, the explosion is larger, effecting a larger area and doing more damage. This trap if used correctly will win you the game hands down.

My detailed diagram explains it all, just like Clarissa.

Pitfall

This trap will hold an enemy in a set place and defenseless for a few seconds… allowing you to shoot him, hit him with a stick, or even give him a powerful wedgie. Otherwise, this trap does no damage, and is just an annoyance.

"I've fallen, and I can't get up!" ... well, it made more sense than "Where's the Beef?"...

Gas

A poisonous gas will emit from the trap about 3 or 4 seconds after you place it. For that reason it’s hard to chain with other traps, however, it’s great for running away. The other bonus to this trap is that it weakens the enemy for a few seconds once they are hit, allowing you to kick the crap out of them… just don’t walk into your own gas cloud.

Watch as I choke on my own gas! Laugh as I lose due to my incompetence!

So those are the main traps that you can set to kill your enemy. However, all is not lost… you also possess the ability to find and disarm traps, although doing so puts you in danger of open attack. You will slowly crawl around and if you get close enough to a bomb, it will appear as a red star. If you then move onto the trap a window appears and you must push a series of buttons without mistakes within a few seconds. If you manage to pull off that feat, the trap is disarmed and your friend throws his controller at you. If you fail or mess up, the trap goes off as normal (including making normally dormant bombs explode).

L: Searching for traps || R: Disarming a trap, or a bad game of Bust-A-Groove

So there are the basics of the game – all you’ll need to know is right there. But earlier I mentioned chaining the traps… and that is the true game. You have to act like a slightly less insane Wile E. Coyote and devise a trap so clever, and so cunning, that there is no way your opponent can avoid becoming toast. There is no more fulfilling a feeling then when a multi-part trap works out just as planned… except perhaps getting head while taking a dump. That’s probably pretty damn fulfilling.

Let me go through a perfectly executed trap with you, to illustrate my point. If this doesn’t impress you, then I’ll send you naked pictures of me and make you go blind.

Step 1: Person flies to the right...

Step 2: Person flies downwards...

Step 3: Person flies to the right again and right into my pit trap... which is bad enough, but now he is surrounded by...

DETONATOR BOMBS!

See, that is a great game all in itself! I mean, there is no real reason for those pusher traps in the plan, but it’s fun to make the guy sitting next to you swear incoherently as he watches himself fly around like they were possessed, and then get blown halfway across the map. And isn’t that what multi-player games are all about?

I sure think so! … I think I remember why my friends hate playing this game with me…

We believe strongly in maintaining a strident level of journalistic integrity by bringing you honest OPINIONS on facts that MAY OR MAY NOT be relevant or true. We also have an affinity for trying to entertain while educating. Hopefully we’ll get better as time goes on, we don’t know.

It just so happens that a few weeks ago now, Jeremy and I happened to stumble upon a youtube video someone made of a humorous “old fashioned newsreel” sort of informational video speaking of the Thames Gateway Project. He and I immediately had a hundred questions bubble forth! We brainstormed and wrote them all down, like real news journalists and realized that we did not know who we should actually ask. Of course we then thought of Trev, our only British Source that we actually TRUST and who also happens to be one of our very own writers so he should totally be available for intraw!

It took several weeks to finally track down Trev and at least one journalist had to stay up until 9am human time in order to finally get this story to you.

Trev: Also, I should say at this point, that I am the opposite of knowledgeable about the Thames Gateway project.

Amanda: Were you aware of its existence?
Trev: Yes.
Amanda: Then you are an authority compared to us.

Trev: It is a big regeneration project around the southeast, right?
Amanda: Yeah something like that. It doesn’t matter.

So sit tight, OMGJ Readers, and put on your Reading Pants. But be warned: they will soon be BLASTED OFF with heaps of CURRENT KNOWLEDGE!!!

OMGJeremy: Is it true that London is a place?
Trev: Yes, it has been a place since at least 1880.
Amanda: Trev do you think the Thames Gateway is going to revitalize the spirit of southern England?
Trev: Maybe? Will it involve biscuits?
Amanda: Oh you don’t know about the state of the biscuits either? I shall scratch out the next question then. Well how about this: Would you agree that the areas they are renovating are truly derelict? How WOULD you characterize the area 40 miles south of London, bordering the River Thames? No, you cannot say derelict because I said it just now.
Trev: I grew up in one of them, haven’t been to most of them, and given my understanding of ‘truly derelict’, I’d have to say… no. It’s somewhere between a post-apocalyptic wasteland and Eden.

Step 1: Try to catch the interviewee in LIES.

OMGJeremy: What is the terrible secret they are trying to cover up? Is it the loch ness monster?
Trev: Yes, the famous fictional monster from a remote Scottish loch is actually in a heavily trafficked river in the Southern English heartland.
Amanda: CONFESSION!
Mr Holiday: IF IT WAS YOUR MOTHER, WOULD YOU HAVE HER LIVE HERE???
Trev: Where?
Amanda: Trev, do you intend to move into the new housing there? It looks as though it will be home to a magnificent view and a burgeoning pride amongst tenants.
Trev: Sure! That’s my favourite kind of pride, so why not?
Amanda: Have you ever been to the future site of the Thames Gateway? Please tell us how it smells.
Trev: I grew up on the future site of the Thames Gateway, so the bit I was in smelt of the sea, and occasionally of freshly cut grass (normally only when I was on a field where the grass had just been cut). Once it smelt of burnt hair, after someone burnt some hair in school.
Amanda: Trev, are you even aware of what the Thames Gateway Project is or what it aims to do?
Trev: A bit. Mostly deduced from the questions you’ve already asked. I know what the Thames is (a river) and what it aims to do (be wet, and river-esque).
OMGJeremy: If you could live in the Thames, what kind of loch ness monster would you be?
Trev: Homesick.

Amanda: How much industrial pollution is commonly found in Thames River?
Trev: A million.

Future site of the Thames Gateway Project Thing: A Million Pollution and More!

Amanda: Why is it pronounced Tims when it looks like it should be pronounced Thames with a long A and soft TH? Is this “British Humour”?
Trev: I pronounce it ‘Tems’. Nobody has ever laughed.
Amanda: I just did. Right now. [editor’s note: it was 8am at the time of that laughter]
Trev: Touché

Mr Holiday: Would you feel comfortable eating a marmite sandwich on the porch of one of the new houses?
Trev: Absolutely. Anytime, anywhere. Marmite is the great leveller.

OMGJeremy: Would I be able to comfortably raise wildlife and Indian families in my new Thames Gateway house like most London people do?
Trev: No, no and maybe.

Mr Holiday: Are you so confident in this renewal process that you will move in and open a Hawaiian shirt stand?
Trev: We’ve not got the weather for it yet. I’ll give it a few years and see how global warming goes.
Amanda: If you were in control of the Thames Gateway Project, would you have chosen to build housing projects or something that you feel is far more appropriate or meaningful? What would you choose and why? Please hurry up, we don’t have all day.
Trev: I would’ve built a giant ferris wheel with large transparent capsules capable of carrying maybe 20 people at a time, affording them magnificent views of London, a city they can be proud of.
Amanda: Why aren’t you in control of the Thames Gateway Project?
Trev: A lack of experience, training and gumption.
Amanda: Jeremy and I happened upon the information regarding this project by chance. When were you planning to tell us about the existence of the Thames Gateway Project?
Trev: At its completion. It’s always better to talk about what you’ve done, rather than what you’re going to do.
Mr Holiday: Would you date a girl that lived in that area, and not hide the fact from your friends?
Trev: Hypothetically, yes. If you have a specific girl in mind, no.
OMGJeremy: Will fish and chips still be referred to as fish and chips in the new Thames Gatehouses? Or will society run loose and feral and break free from its Britainy ways?
Trev: Most people have kebabs or curries -- I expect little change.
OMGJeremy: Will this cause the state of London teeth to improve as well?
Trev: I find your stereotypes offensive.
Amanda: Can you estimate how much curry will be made within the first year of residents moving into the Thames Houses?
Trev: Seven at least.

We have included a still from the series of future advertisements that Trev has been contracted to do.

OMGJeremy: If you were the loch ness monster and lived in the Thames, how would you feel about the Gateway Project? What if you had babies?
Trev: Depends -- am I a single parent?
Amanda: Yes, there is only one loch ness monster.
Trev: So I wouldn’t have babies then?
Amanda: … except for the babies.. WELL LISTEN. Jeremy wandered off and I can’t even begin to understand his way of thinking. Next question!

: Did they decide to “revitalize” a dilapidated, disgusting area forty miles away from the city of London in order to actually move a good portion of society’s least desirables outside of the city limits in order to improve some demographic or another?
Trev: No idea.
Amanda: That’s generally what they do in America.
Trev: How awful!
Amanda: With this newfound knowledge of a majorly selfish injustice being the driving force behind the Thames Gateway, do you feel compelled, as an Englishman and a Londoner, to stage a protest and a noisy picket of the construction process?
Trev: Absolutely not -- how vulgar.
OMGJeremy: Would you raise a sword and holler, if it was so needed?
Trev: Neither.
Amanda: Please share with us some of the picket sign slogans you would be using which I know you must already be brainstorming.
Trev: Let’s Give Everyone a Nice, Affordable Place to Live (not very catchy, I know).
Amanda: Calm down! There’s no need to get so violently outraged by things that are mostly outside of our control! It isn’t healthy Trev, please simmer down. It is all I ask.
[We wait until he calms down a bit before continuing]
Amanda: Will the Trevorist strike again?
Trev: This interview is over.

And that, friends, was when Trev stormed out of the Internet and we haven’t heard from him since. Relationships: damaged. Lives: ruined. Interview: a RAGING SUCCESS???

I think it is SO!

As for myself, it is already well documented that I am pretty much, a giant fucking loser. And because of this, I seem to enjoy doing things that make most people laugh at me. We’ve already covered this in previous articles about yard sales, and virtually everything else I’ve written on this site. So it’s of no surprise when I say that I happen to enjoy going to these fall festivals. After all, fall is my favorite time of the year, and it seems to be the only time when I can go out of the house and not be hospitalized from extreme sun exposure, or be treated for frostbite. This is because fall has very mild weather that is perfect for the pasty nerd who is afraid to step outside in the heat for more than two minutes, in fear that they would instantly be blinded by natural sunlight, and have their skin catch fire. But with fall around, all of us geeks can walk around outside, free of any fears that we might actually tan our putrid, dry skin, and feel good knowing that the dark circles that have developed around our eyes will not be in any danger of vanishing.

But once we get outside, we usually find that there is little that we know how to do without a computer mouse in our hands. And even if we bring the computer mouse with us, it just doesn’t seem to have the same effect by clicking on things in the real world as it does on our computer. Also, it’s quite a shock to see that pornographic material is nowhere near as freely distributed as it is on the computer, and can only be acquired through seedy video stores, and women who look as if they’ve been dipped in a vat of sexually transmitted diseases. So to combat this strange new world of revulsion, us geeks must find something else to do. Not only do we need to find somewhere that is generally low key and devoid of excitement that might lead to bodily harm, but also somewhere where we can buy incredibly useless crap for large sums of money. The only real answer that meets these criteria, is of course one of the millions of festivals that are being held during the fall. Either that, or hallucinogenic drugs. But we’re not here today to show you the latest craze of shooting up directly into your eye socket. No, today we’re going to show you just how to navigate your way through a fall festival. So now would probably be a good time to use the hallucinogenic drugs, because that’s exactly what we’re going to do right now:

Step one: Find a festival

Now that you’re successfully out of your house, and ready to step into the exciting world of festivals, which really isn’t very exciting in the least, you’ll first need to find a fall festival that is right for you. Your best bet is to look on some sort of calendar that lists public events. You’ll know you’ve found the right thing when you notice every other day on the calendar is listed with “The Black Bear Moon of the River Festival” or “The Moon of the Black Bear River Festival”. It doesn’t really matter which festival you pick, since they are all the exact same. Once you have decided on which festival you want to attend, get in your car, and begin crying until you can safely justify what you’re doing without any further crying.

One street block has never been this much fun!

Getting to the festival will probably take at least five or six hours to get to, since most festivals are held in towns so small that, if not for this one festival, no one would ever know it ever existed, and would probably be accidentally used for a nuclear testing grounds. It may take a while for you to find the festival once you get there also, since most of these towns are only about twenty feet in total diameter, and have to cram as much as they can into that space, which more than ensures you’ll need to know about our next tip:

Step Two: Watch out for crowds

Once you arrive at the festival, you will probably notice that half the world’s population has decided to gather here also. It doesn’t help that most festivals are held in areas where the population was never supposed to grow over 100 people. So you can imagine the chaos when approximately six million people all visit the place at the exact same time. People will tell you that the best time to go to festivals is when you can avoid the crowds. If someone ever tells you this, it is recommended that you stick them in the neck, because they have obviously never been to a festival. If they had been to one, they would know that there is no such thing as a time when the festival isn’t crowded, as there are only two types of festival crowds:

1. A really fucking massive crowd
2. A larger crowd than the above.

LOOK AT THE FUN

To negotiate your way through the masses of people, it is probably best that you simply not try to fight your way through the crowd. Instead, just follow the crowd wherever it goes, letting it take you along, just as if you’ve been thrown into a rushing river and have no way of escape. This is actually a fairly accurate description, except that if you were in a river, you would probably feel better knowing that you will eventually smash your head on a large rock and drown. That won’t be the case at a festival though, as you will most likely simply be staring at the dirty Nascar shirt that the large ogreish man in front of you is wearing for several hours.

Step Three: Don’t Buy the Food

One thing you will surely notice about the festival is the food. It’s everywhere. No matter what street you go down, or dark alley you attempt to hide in, there will always likely be a vendor there trying to sell you their latest food-like creations. Festival food should generally be avoided at all costs. Sure it may smell really good, but it’s almost guaranteed that anything you eat will take at least five years off your total lifespan, thanks to the fact that all the food there seems to be cooked in the stomach of a pig. It’s the only way I can explain the amount of fat and grease that is oozing out of everything you buy.

It's like all of my dreams were answered in one convenient concession stand

If however you decide that you must indulge yourself in one of the fine delicacies that the festival offers, then try to find the food shanty that is the least decrepit looking. Also avoid any food places that have names that seem to clog your heart by just reading them. Like, “Miss Piggy’s BBQ and Beef Sauerkraut Palace” or, “Deep Fried Giant Tenderloin With A Side of More Deep Fried Giant Tenderloin”. Once you have found the stand least likely to cause massive coronary damage, approach the stand, avoiding the several million bees that have taken up residence directly in front of your face. Then point to whatever it is you want on the menu, and wait for the concessionist to not listen to you, and give you whatever the fuck he wants to give you. Then you’ll need to find a nice place to eat your food, which will probably be in the middle of about 7000 people.

Step Four: Just Don’t Buy Anything

The true meaning of holding festivals isn’t about the history of a town or some other bullshit story that supposedly goes along with it. The real reasons festivals are held is for low-brow merchants to make a profit off of their wares that no one on Earth would ever buy anywhere else. Festivals seem to have some kind effect on people’s brain, causing the poor drugged people to see things like life-size wooden replicas of mailboxes, and instantly making them purchase six of them for thousands of dollars without so much as a thought as to why they shouldn’t.

This was on sale for 5000 dollars. No, seriously it was.

Truth be told, virtually everything you find for sale at festivals are total junk. Literally. Festivals are basically like one huge yard sale, except most normal yardsales do not horribly overprice the junk they’re trying to sell. It’s not surprising to go into a festival and find things that would normally be in the corner of someone’s basement, being declared a collector’s item by the surly festival people, and being sold for over a hundred dollars. Your best bet is to simply not bring any money with you at all just to be safe, in hopes that the evil festival nerve-toxin doesn’t get in your brain, and you wake up the next morning with this tattooed on your back:

Classy!

Step Five: Don’t Play Any Games

One of the biggest attractions when going to festivals is the unavoidable lure of playing games that would almost assuredly be outlawed if they were held anywhere near the actual civilized world. Wether it be the timeless classics like bobbing for random things in a barrel full of nine day old water, or winning various barnyard animals by throwing a ball into a cup, you simply can’t go wrong with festival games.

The only problem is that these festival games appear to be pretty simple upon first glance, but in actuality have been produced in a way that no matter how many times you try, you will never, ever be able to win. Ever. Let’s take myself as an example. I recently took a trip out to a festival, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this little game:

So ghetto, but so tempting

this lady was standing in a pin full of baby rabbits, and a single pool that had floating cups that floated around the outside of the pool. The object was you get five ping pong balls for one dollar. If you got one of the balls into the cups, you won a baby bunny. Sounds cute, doesn’t it? Well, I simply couldn’t imagine my life without a baby rabbit for one second longer, so I threw my dollar at the lady and received my five ping pong balls. I figured this would be relatively easy, me being a city boy and all. My vast brain skill far outmatched the local yokels, who all seemed to be having more fun throwing the ping pong balls at the baby rabbits instead of the cups. I also noted that I was less than five feet of the pool itself, and I could probably knock that down a couple more feet if I cheated, which I most assuredly will do. My dollar will surely be well spent.

About five dollars later I started realizing that my ping pong ball must be filled with some type of substance that makes it fly 60 feet in the air if it even so much as glances off one of the cups. I was beginning to think that any type of actual aiming would not work, and was starting to realize that the yokels had already learned this, and were probably throwing the balls at the rabbits to exact their revenge on their cruel, evil game. I know I was about to. After my last ping pong ball hit the inside of the cup and then deflected into a car’s windshield 40 feet away, I decided to give up. I realized I had fallen victim to the evil festival mentality, and had been taken of my money from something that I would have laughed at if it had been anywhere near the city. It’s unfortunate really, those rabbits were damn cute.

Step Six: Just Leave

Once you’ve seen everything the festival has to offer, it’s probably best that you leave before things get any worse. You’ve already eaten a barbecue patty that seemed to be made out of pure fat, bought a six hundred dollar heating vent, and spent sixty dollars bobbing for beer cans, so there’s really not that much more you should probably get into. This has probably been more than enough for you to sit and contemplate for the next year in your house. Or at least until next fall and you decide to do it all over again. That’s the one thing about festivals, no matter how close you come to anger, death, or wanting to shoot brain-eating diseases into everyone’s head while you’re there, you always seem to want to go back for more. If not just to look forward to leaving while you’re there.

So get out of the house for once this fall, and take part in your local culture by buying lots of shit you don’t need, and getting fat. And there’s not a place on Earth you can do it better than at your local festival. So strap yourself in a car, grab a map, and just drive until you find one. Or until you fall asleep and run head on into a tree. Either way, the end result will probably be the same for whatever you choose.

In between the good and the bad, there’s the ugly. I personally love the ugly. This is the pit where all the slightly off-key platformers would go. Games like the old Playstation platformer Skullmonkeys fits in this category actually, along with lesser played games like Silhouette Mirage. Another one of the more obscure (yes, even more obscure than the afformentioned games) “ugly” games involves two detectives, spray cans, feces, and fast food. That game would be…

Ah, yes… this game brings back memories of my Turbografx-16. JJ and Jeff was a game my brother had picked up for about $20, and even from the first play we both knew it pretty much sucked. The game was basically a Super Mario clone with worse controls, and that was the least of it’s problems. Let’s start with an obvious, glaring problem of any game that requires you to dodge things being thrown at you… the size of your character.

Friggin' 'Uge!

I mean, you’re a third of the size of the screen! That’s bigger than some characters in fighting games I’ve played! Add this with the annoying control “feature” that your character slides all the time and that adds up to a whole lot of frustration. But is that the only bad point? No, not at all! See that bar underneath the word “Vitality”? Yeah, that’s the one… not only does it decrease when you get hit by objects, but also as you play – much like Wonder Boy (or Hudson’s Adventure Island for you philistines who never played a Sega Master System), and you know what? I hated it on there, and I hate it here too. Absolutely frustrating. I can hear the developers now…”Let’s see, you took a long time getting through the level because you moved slow enough not to get hit by the enemies? Then you die a horrible death because you didn’t eat that apple we hid behind the 43rd bush you ran past! HAHAHA!” I’m sorry, but that’s just cruel.

But what exactly can you do in this game? Well, much like any game of this style you’ll mostly just run and jump. However, if that’s not quite exciting enough for you, you can also attack things two different ways. The most commonly used attack is the kick. With which you kick things. Simple enough. I don’t think it needs much more explaining. And honestly, if any of you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say the word “kick” then you really should stand up, walk away from the monitor, go outside, and walk in front of a bus, because you are beyond hope and it will be a blessing to humanity when you die. Or maybe you’re not a native english speaker. In that case, I hope you don’t walk in front of a bus. At least not until I know you better.

But there is a second attack you have that makes your enemies quake in their small pixelly boots. You can spray them with paint!

Sort of pathetic and anti-climactic... like me in bed.

“What? That’s it?” Yeah, I know those words hurt me very often, but they also hold true for this shitty excuse for a weapon. I’ve been playing this since I was 14, and you know how many enemies I’ve killed with this? None. For a comparison, do you know how many times I’ve urinated today so far? 14. What that has to do with anything, I don’t know, other than I think my kidneys are either playng some kind of crazy joke on me, or they simply don’t exist anymore. But I *do* know that we now have a game with huge characters, bad control, and even shittier weapons.

These things by themselves would make for a horrible game, but the one thing this game did have was extra shit for you to laugh at / be annoyed by. First off, one thing all by itself made me play this game, no matter how awful it was. This game had the one thing I’ve never been able to turn down in a video game. That’s right… Full Frontal Nudity. Oh wait… did I say “full frontal nudity”? I meant a slot machine game!

Hey kids! Gambling is cool!

We briefly touched on my present day gambling addiction in a previous video game article, and this certainly didn’t help things when I was younger. Actually, that’s another thing I always wondered about… ever since I played Space Quest as a kid, I’ve been in love with slot machines, and whenever I go to casinos I also manage to play lots of slot machines. I know, if I end up penniless on the streets of Las Vegas someday, I’m going to blame the gaming industry. Hey, why not? Every other dumbfuck in the world is, why can’t I?

But, rants about stupid people aside, I love games with slot machines in them. Super Mario Bros. 2 wouldn’t have been half the game it was if there were no slot machine bonus game in it. I mean, they’re frustrating, and 99% of the time you walk away empty handed, but occasionally you manage to win big and get a whole load of extra lives. See, I know the difference between real life, and video games… I just like the virtual world a whole lot more. If I win in Atlantic City, you know what I get? A bit of money, and a whole lot of headaches. I win big in JJ and Jeff? I get a load of extra lives, and some more notches in the vitality bar. I honestly think there’s no comparison.

But back on topic, in JJ and Jeff the primary thing to do while playing is to run through the level and kick everything you see. I’m talking lampposts, trashcans, men’s room signs, everything. When you do, a lot of things could come out. Most items (if they look like food) are food and give you more vitality in the vitality bar. You may also find coins, which you save up for use on the slot machines. The third thing you could get is feces, that’s right – a comical little Hershey’s Kiss of poo flies out of things when you kick them sometimes. I’m not joking.

This game is scat-tastic!

But slot machines are not all this game offers for me to laugh at. No sir, there’s also the amazing help this game provides. In some of the rooms where you’d find slot machines, you would also find help from inappropriately dressed characters! So let me get this straight, I’ve been running and jumping all day through the forest, and I finally come upon a doorway where I expect I can satisfy my gambing itch and instead I find…

So am I in heaven? I was told I'd get a thousand virgins...

That is just plain cruel… I mean, I’ve spent time playing your shitty game, earning coins and dodging pieces of shit, just to finally reach the doorway to what I thought would be a slot machine, and you give me this?! This is like being called by an ex-girlfriend, asking if she can come over for a late night sex call, just to show up and have her tell you to try and meet a girl sometime, so you can have sex with her. It’s happened. It sucks. And it sucks just as bad on JJ and Jeff too.

But no amount of any illegal substance known to man makes this next statement make any sense…

"Wonk, wonk, wonk"... so sayeth the Lord.

And there is one more thing that makes this game noteworthy. When you start the game you pick if you want to be J.J. or Jeff. It’s not a big decision, since there is no difference to the game, but the person you didn’t pick will come along and spy on you and eventually even try and stop you from… uh… whatever the point to this stupid game was. Anyway, this leads to some of the best screenshots I’ve ever taken. Let’s have a look, laugh, and love together, shall we?

I hope he is peeing...

This is the first thing you see in the first level of the game. That’s the kind of message we want going to the kids of the world today. We want them to know it’s ok to shake your shananagan in public. That’s what the kids need to know.

Well, it’s 5 am here (EST) on Saturday night, and I’m pretty drunk, so I’m just going to leave you with one more pictures and one more thought.

Furries are lacking in games today.

Overall, this game is acceptable, but when the day ends, it is just a good pile of laughs. I don’t know what I’m typing at this point – so I’ll leave it at “see you next week, or I won’t!”