Parent and baby are studying each other and learning how to function effectively in this new relationship. Character qualities to focus on are trust and security. Your infant is learning to trust you, learning that the world is a safe place, learning that if he or she cries, someone is there to help – either feed, or comfort, or meet some other need. This interaction is vital to healthy development, and is a way that parents demonstrate honor.

In the toddler stage you’ll need to begin setting limits and adding schedule restrictions. Do your best to do this with gentleness, not harshness. Limits also communicate love, and how they are set and reinforced communicate honor.

As toddlers and preschoolers, children generally love to demonstrate honor back to their parents. They thrive on delighting mom or dad. Giving gifts and planning simple surprises for others always bring smiles and giggles with young children.

We want honor to characterize how we relate to one another inside and outside the family. Setting the tone early with a young child will make the task much easier.

Becca surprised her eight-year-old son after he put his feet on the table during dinner. She felt angry, but she chose to respond differently. “Do you know what the Bible says about beautiful feet?” she asked in a playful tone.

Expecting a harsh response the boy was shocked by his mother’s question and curious about the answer. “No,” he replied with question in his voice.

“The Bible says, ‘Beautiful are the feet of them who bring good news.’ Now I have some good news for you. Dessert is only served to those whose feet are under the table.” Becca made her point and she didn’t have to use anger to do it. During dessert, several minutes after the previous incident, she made a passing request, “Please don’t put your feet on this table.”

Her son responded, “Okay.”

This mom avoided what could have been an ugly scene by exercising some restraint on her anger and responding in a wise way. By stopping each time you feel angry and evaluating the situation, you can use anger to point out problems and then choose another strategy for your response.

The way you present an issue often determines the response. Sometimes it’s best to address a problem immediately, while other times waiting a few hours is more appropriate. Wisely choose a time, place, and approach with the goal of not just rebuking, but correcting, and finding resolution. “Lisa, I’d like to talk about the way you treated me earlier. Is now a good time or should we talk after dinner?”

Learn When to Stop

Once a dialogue has developed, have discernment to know when to stop. Some parents feel like they must win an argument or come to resolution by the end of the conversation so they end up pushing too hard. Other times emotions get too involved. Still other parents end a simple correction with preaching, bringing up the past, or making exaggerated statements about the offense.

In any case, it’s important for parents to know when to take a break or simply stop the conversation. “I think we better stop here. Things are getting pretty tense. We need to continue this conversation, but let’s take a break for now. Maybe we’ll think of some other ideas in the meantime to help resolve this problem.” Learning when to stop during conflict is a very important skill.

Learn How to Listen

Conflict represents opportunity. Children watch parents handle conflict and observe how they resolve differences. Listening and affirming a young person’s thinking is an honoring step in conflict management.

“I understand you’d discipline your sister differently. Your ideas make sense. At this point, I have to make the decision and I’m going to emphasize something different, but I appreciate your ideas.” Affirming or validating a child’s thinking or reasoning is helpful for their development.

The child who’s disappointed because he can’t go camping on the weekend may have a hard time releasing that desire. In fact, he may react in anger to everyone around, forcing you to exert some discipline. In your firmness, look for ways to acknowledge the loss and to comfort him in the process. You might say, “I know you’re angry because you’re disappointed that you can’t go on the camping trip, but the way you’re handling your disappointment is wrong. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, and maybe I can help you with that, but not while you’re being hurtful to others. So, you’re going to have to go sit in the hall and think about this before you come back and talk to me some more.”

Grief is the emotional tool God placed in our hearts to enable us to release things we value. For some, that’s more difficult than for others. If you say to your son, “Stop crying like a baby,” you miss an opportunity to teach him about grieving.

Whether reacting to a deep loss or a minor disappointment, it’s important for children to learn how to process grief so they can release the pain of their loss instead of carrying it around as a burden.

Take some time to study your children. What weaknesses do they have? What lies do they believe? What are some of the unproductive things they’re saying in their hearts? It can be helpful to simply make observations and write them down.

Ask yourself: What does he say when he’s arguing with me? What does she say when she’s angry? What does he mumble under his breath in his room or as he stomps down the hall? How does she report offenses to her friends? How does she rationalize and justify her mistakes? As you listen to your child talk, you’ll get a bigger picture of beliefs, values, and impressions that are guiding behavior.

Matthew 12:34 says, “out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” As you learn to listen to your child’s heart, identify target areas that you sense are a problem. Behavior indicates what’s happening inside, so when you see a particular weakness, jot it down on a piece of paper. You might list things like procrastination, pride, fear, gloom and doom, or lack of confidence.

You’ve probably known these character weaknesses were causing problems. By identifying the misconceptions at the root of the behavior, you’ll be ready to do some deeper work in your child’s heart. Once you identify a heart issue that concerns you, then you can develop a strategy or action plan to help your child grow.

Reconciliation often requires that an offender comes back to try to make things right. How do we teach children to handle these situations? Saying “I’m sorry” is a reflection of an emotion that one feels inside. If a child truly feels sorrow for doing the wrong thing, then saying, “I’m sorry” is certainly appropriate.

Sometimes children don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong. Or they believe that the other person deserved what they got. Of course, even when children believe that they’ve been treated unfairly, they’re still responsible for their part of the problem. A sarcastic answer or a returned punch can’t be excused because the other person started it.

To avoid having children say one thing (I’m sorry) while feeling something different in their hearts, we encourage children to say, “I was wrong for… Will you forgive me?” This statement doesn’t require an emotion but is an act of the will. A child should be required to take responsibility for an offense whether it was provoked or not.

Don’t Try to Figure Out Who Started It

Be careful about disciplining only one child in an argument. Both are usually at fault in some way. Trying to figure out who started the problem rarely leads to peace. Victims are often instigators. Discipline children separately and teach them each how to respond to offenses. When they make a mistake teach them how to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

Of course, older children can learn to say, “I’m sorry” even if they aren’t at fault. Sometimes we say it because we’re wrong and know it. Other times we apologize because we truly are sorry that the relationship is damaged and we’re saddened that the other person is in pain. That’s a great concept to teach teens.

Problems are Different than Tasks
Problems are obstacles that get in the way of your goals. Your son is playing with his video game when he should be getting dressed. You can’t find the prescription you need and you’re missing a library book. Your daughter’s homework isn’t in her backpack again and she can’t find her other shoe. It’s not usually the tasks that create the tension in family life. It’s the problems that get in the way.

Conflict happens when we allow problems to escalate, typically through emotional intensity. Problems plus emotions can quickly lead to conflict.

An Important Rule
Don’t allow problems to turn into conflict. Instead look for ways to see problems as just more tasks by developing a plan to solve them.

Training children is a task, not a problem. The difference has to do with your expectations. If you’re surprised by your son’s resistance to instructions, then you’re liable to view it as a personal attack and escalate to conflict. But the reality is that your son’s resistance is an indication of a character weakness. It’s a problem. Part of your job as a parent is to train your child. Allow the problem of resistance to become a task of training. Develop a plan to challenge the poor character in your son and you now can approach the task of raising him using a calm, but firm manner. It’s just another one of the tasks of your job as a parent. ]]> http://www.firstofallonkids.com/tattling/ Tue, 04 Aug 2015 20:14:26 +0000 http://www.firstofallonkids.com/?p=3826 Tattling is one way that children point out problems rather than trying to make things better. It’s important to teach children what offenses they should report to a parent and what they should try to resolve on their own or just ignore. Parents need to know when property or people are in danger, but much of the daily infractions or mistakes made fall into a gray area requiring discernment on the part of a parent and child. You don’t want to remove all reporting of offenses because sometimes you’ll rely on one child to help you know when another is in danger or in trouble.

Sometimes a child should overlook an irritation and not be so easily provoked. If a child has tried to resolve the problem, and the offense isn’t one to drop, then the child should report it to an adult. This isn’t tattling. It’s following a biblical model of conflict management. The Scriptures teach that if a problem can’t be resolved between two people, then one should get another person involved in the process (Matthew 18).

The way the offense is reported and the motivation behind the report is important. If you sense that your child is just trying to get the other child in trouble, then that report is motivated by selfishness and is considered tattling.

As a parent, you have to be careful that children don’t use you to get the upper hand in their arguments with each other. Tattling is often an attempt to draw you in to rescue the victim, and the way the story is reported to you often makes the urge seem irresistible. Unfortunately victims aren’t always as innocent as they make it seem. You can use tattling to teach children how to report offenses in an honoring way, without exaggeration or coloring the truth, and admitting their own part of the problem.

Like many issues in family life, tattling can be a great teaching opportunity. ]]> http://www.firstofallonkids.com/teach-children-how-to-listen/ Thu, 28 May 2015 20:21:57 +0000 http://www.firstofallonkids.com/?p=3775 A very important skill that children will need as adults is the ability to listen. Listening isn’t easy. Most people would rather talk. Children interrupt, yell, and talk over each other, often resulting in misunderstanding. Teaching children how to listen can be a way to help them become less selfish.

One mom told how she taught her children to listen. “I use this technique whenever my boys are in conflict over a toy. I sit them down with the toy on the table and say, ‘You can play with the toy as soon as you both agree on a plan.’ I encourage them each to share an idea and listen to the other’s idea. I’m teaching them about compromise, working together, and sharing, but I let them work it out. Sometimes they’ll both be stubborn and I’ll have them stay there until they can agree on a plan. I coach them along when they need it. They must always report back to me before continuing to play, providing an opportunity for me to affirm unselfishness and cooperation.”

It can be fun to teach a five-year-old how to persuade a two-year-old, or help two eight-year-olds negotiate a solution. Conflict is turned into cooperation through listening.

I like to joke with children, “Do you know why God made lips for your mouth but not for your ears?” or, “Why do you think God gave you one mouth and two ears? It’s because God wants you to quiet your mouth sometimes, so you can listen.”

James 1:19 gives children very practical advice. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” As a parent, you have many opportunities to teach this valuable skill.
]]>