KA-CHING!

NukeGirl lost her first tooth the other day.  It was a long road to extraction, but when I noticed that it was laying back at a 45 degree angle in relation to the rest of her teeth, and that it was black, I told her maybe it was time to try another tug.  She had been toying with it for days.  At the dinner table: “Daddy!  Look!”  I’d glance up from my plate to see her tongue rotating the tooth back and forth, manipulating it like a NASCAR driver downshifting going into turn 3.  “That’s nice, honey, but I’m trying to enjoy my dinner and that isn’t making it any easier.”  Being that it was her first loose tooth, she was a little unclear on the concept.  We went to dinner one night, and after a four and a half year precedent of ordering fries with her meal, she decides she wants corn on the cob.  The next day she asked for an apple in her lunch.  She hates apples.  Maybe nature gives us that extra nudge to request things to eat that it knows will get that sucker out of there and take away the pain.  I remember as a kid, I once lost a molar to an over exuberant Sugar Daddy.  It got stuck back there and I pulled and I pulled and I pulled, and it wouldn’t come out.  I twisted, I yanked, I twisted and yanked.  It was…well, it was like pulling teeth, I guess.  After about 5 minutes I finally got it out and immediately noticed that this particular Sugar Daddy tasted like crap.  The taste, of course, was the 1/2 liter of blood that was now mixing with the chocolate and caramel of my candy.  I looked at the Sugar Daddy and saw my molar sticking out of it.  Cool, I thought; a dollar!  I don’t think I’ve had a Sugar Daddy since.

The experience did teach me that caramel is good for getting out stubborn teeth.  Later I used a box of Milk Duds to extract another molar, and a Brach’s caramel chew to eradicate an incisor.  My dentist lost money on me that year.  I also remember the weirdness of running your tongue in the gap where your tooth used to be.  NukeGirl has discovered that as well.  “Daddy! Look!”  I look up to see a tiny piece of her tiny little tongue peeking through where her tooth used to be.  Then she went and got a Capri Sun and realized that she could lock her jaw and still drink it; she just slides the straw in the hole where her tooth was.  She thinks this is the coolest thing in the world.  “DADDY! LOOK!”  I look up to see her, jaw clenched tighter than a Rottweiler, with a straw stuck through the gap and can’t help but join her in uproarious laughter.  She tried her pinkie finger, and while it can be wedged in there, she learned the painful lesson that she can’t clench her teeth.  She also tried a pencil and almost lost the 2 neighbors.  “Daddy! Ow!”  Since then I’ve caught her with her toothbrush, a hair barrette, a bigger straw and a paper towel folded to various thicknesses.  She just keeps folding until either she can’t fold anymore, or it won’t fit anymore.  She’s doing all she can to find out exactly what will and will not fit where her tooth used to be.  It made me think of an old skit from SCTV; the great Canadian show that gave us John Candy, Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas, Catherine O’Hara and many others, called; “What Fits In Mother Russia.”  It was a recurring skit that featured Dave Thomas as a Russian who got great delight figuring out what countries could fit inside the footprint of the Soviet Union.  The video is below.  One of my first posts ever was a tooth post-you can click here if you want to read it. Enjoy.

SUPER BOWL MVP DREW BREES WITH THE BEST AWARD EVER

If you are a resident of planet Earth, then you know that the New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl last night.  I came across a link to this picture and was amazed when it came up.  I was dumbstruck by how much it said without uttering a single sound.  I think the Pulitzer Prize people should just give this photographer their prize right now; I don’t know that anyone else will be able to top it.  While I’m not a Saints fan, I am a Drew Brees fan.  He carries himself with a grace and humbleness that is hard to find in professional athletes today.  It’s obvious to me-and anyone looking at this picture-that the little boy in his hands means more than any MVP trophy or Super Bowl ring could ever mean.  I’ve gone back to look at this picture at least 10 times today.  I’m drawn to it.  It reminds me of the overwhelming rush of love and smallness that I felt when I first became a father.  In that moment, I knew that God had entrusted me with the care and well-being of his most important creation; and I was honored and humbled with the task.  It’s refreshing to see this man, reluctantly standing in the spotlight, reflect the brilliance of the moment onto those most important to him; and those most responsible.  (Additional Photos)

PICK YOUR DIAPER!

I’ve noticed a trend recently in web ads.  The days of the dancing cowboys are over.  So are the days of the dancing alien.  Actually, they’ve been over for a while, but the good folks at Lower My Bills dot com have changed tactics once again to continue to bring you ads that have absolutely nothing to do with the product they are selling.  Oh, sure, we’ll always have the 50 states abbreviated in everything from snails, emoticons and baby diapers to keep us company, but the flash ads of dancing silhouettes on rooftops and gyrating robots may be gone for good.  See, when they had those ads running back in 2007, they had reason to dance: they were making a killing getting people to refinance mortgages, consolidate debt, etc.; now, not so much.  Now that the bubble they helped create has exploded, they are going a different route; the route of down-on-your-luckism.

CLEAN YOUR WINDOW FOR YOU?

Their ads now all feature pictures of men who look like homeless people.  The message says; Contact us now before you end up looking like this! They seem upset too, like they can’t believe that YOU haven’t refinanced yet.  They’re even starting to blame the government for forcing you to ignore the help that the government is offering you; or something like that.  “…homeowners fail to refinance….government urges Americans to pay down credit card debt….you may qualify for auto insurance discounts…” aren’t you people listening?  Did you know that only 85,000 of you have taken advantage of the governments housing relief program?  What’s wrong with you idiots?  Don’t you want to refinance the remaining 12 years of your mortgage into a more manageable 30 year adjustable rate mortgage that will lower your payment by $65 dollars a month?  Come on!  Get with the program!

MADAM TUSSAUDS ESCAPEE?

I’m having a hard time believing that one of these guys is even a real person at all.  See the guy in glasses?  He looks like one of those skulls that has had a facial reconstruction anthropologist go to town on it.  I think I saw him on an episode of Forensic Files once.  Either that, or he’s a dolled up version of Australopithecus with a forehead shave and Dame Edna glasses.  One guy looks like a lumberjack serial killer and another looks like the guy that tries to spit-shine your windshield at traffic lights.  Is the subliminal message supposed to be; “Look, we know that things are bad and you can barely pay your mortgage; hell, you can’t even afford a razor!”?  I guess a picture of a family in respectable clothing and a golden retriever laying in front of them doesn’t sell a lot of mortgage re-fi’s.  The key is to make people think; “I know I’ve got it bad, but look at that poor sap!”

HOBBIES? WELL, I DO LIKE TO RULE FRANCE, ON OCCASION

I thought I had seen it all until yesterday when a pop up ad shimmied it’s way underneath my Firefox firewall.  There is a VERY generous man out there who wants to make me a millionaire!  He is so worldly and has done so many good things in his life helping people that I just KNOW that I’m next!  His name is Simon Zuckenberg; don’t bother googling him, because you’ll come up empty!  Not only is he a totally selfless philanthropist, he also hates attention, so he makes sure that all of his good deeds go unnoticed.  He invented ebay and Adobe, even though other people claim to have.  The piece de resistance?  He is also the PRESIDENT OF FRANCE!  I KNOW!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?  Yeah, me neither.  Unreal.  Some joker puts out an ad with a picture of President Sarkozy, throws some ebay and Adobe logos on it and will probably make millions in the process.  While I enjoy the entertainment aspect of it, I can’t help but feel a little sleazy every time I see one of those ads.  At least I have the comfort of knowing that I’ve never been duped by one of them.  Ooh, look at the time!  Gotta go; I still have 8 more units to sell before my Acai Berry downline gets fully vested!

SERTS(2ND FROM RIGHT-TOP ROW) & STEVE THOMAS (KNEELING)

Andy Warhol famously once said; “In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.”  He should have doubled it for my friend Sergio Grado.  Sergio, or “Serts” as he was known when we were younger, will be featured for a 30 minute segment on tonight’s episode of Renovation Nation on the Discovery Channel’s “Planet Green” channel.  The show is hosted by Steve Thomas, who some of you may remember as being Bob Vila’s replacement on This Old House.  Steve and his crew document one of Serts’ building projects that centers around green building.  I know what you’re thinking right now; “But NukeDad, aren’t you totally against all of that environmental crap?” No, I’m not.  I’m against deceitful ex-politicians whose name starts with Al and ends with Gore living in an energy hog house while preaching to my kids that they’re killing the planet, all the while lining his pockets with millions and millions of dollars.  Meanwhile, George W. Bush lives in one of the most “green” houses on the planet, but you don’t hear about that, do you?  Maybe Al can head up a few field trips down to Crawford, Texas so he can see how it’s done.  But I digress.

SERGIO GRADO-NATIONAL GRADUATE MASTER BUILDER OF THE YEAR 2008

Serts’ family has been building homes in the Woodlands, outside of Houston, since the early 70’s.  He used to spend his summers down there working his butt off for the family business.  It paid off.  Now?  He IS the family business.  His father retired a few years ago, and I’m pretty sure that his brother Gilbert is still down there running the old family business, but Serts started his own company that builds custom homes, commercial buildings and remodeling projects.  He is the go to guy for “green” building in the Houston area.  He was named the Graduate Master Builder Of The Year for 2008.  That’s kind of like winning the Academy Award for your industry.  He also won the Emerging Business of the Year award from the Houston Hispanic Chamber of Commerce.  Things are good in SergioLand.  So if you get a chance and you have access to the Planet Green channel, tune in tonight at 6pm eastern to see one of my best friends from childhood enjoy his 30 minutes of fame.

It’s a great movie, and if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.  I think you can even watch the whole thing on You Tube if you don’t mind watching it in 11 different parts and x’ing out all of those annoying ads that pop up down bottom.  The main character; George Malley, finds himself in a strange situation: He’s gone from Average Joe to Stephen Hawking in the blink of an eye.  After seeing something in the sky, he wakes up with incredible mental capabilities.  How cool would that be; I mean, before the CIA busts your door down and sticks you in an Eastern European Research Facility?  I think it would be stupendous.  Well, after a while I guess it would get pretty lonely.  It’d be like you were a 4.0 student in a Pre-K world.  Yeah, scratch that; maybe being the smartest guy in the world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  There are plenty of these guys walking the streets of major cities with tinfoil under their stocking caps who will tell you as much.  The black helicopters are everywhere, and they’re trying to steal our thoughts.  What’s the frequency, Kenneth? With that being said, here’s a list of some of my random tinfoil thoughts.  Some of them you may have seen before, others, maybe not.

1. My Roomba accidentally docked with my Tom Tom charger.  Now I have dirty floors and my GPS gives me 87 routes that all lead back to my driveway.
2. If I get Mono and it gets worse, will I have Stereo?
3. Once their divorce is final, will Tiger Woods’ wife be the top money winner on the PGA Tour?
4. What do you use to hang a mime; imaginary rope?
5. If a man named William can also be called Will, Willy, Bill and Billy, why can’t you call him Billiam?
6. What does a solo synchronized swimmer synchronize with?
7. When Mariah Carey sings “I’ll Be There” is she talking about the all you can eat buffet?

Food for thought.

SNUFF IT, SUBJECT!

North Carolina rang in the New Year with legislation enacted on January 4th that banned smoking in all bars and restaurants.  Snidely DoGooder, economist and Job Destruction Czar for the state of North Carolina summed it up this way;

“For too long the evil tobacco companies provided our country with over 15 Billion dollars and our state with over 171 Million dollars a year in tax revenue.  We felt that it was unfair for smokers to be the only ones carrying such a large tax burden, so the only logical conclusion was to tax the tobacco industry out of business.  We are well aware of the fact that people can still smoke in their homes, but if we can get the help we need from Washington to tax the air, then we’ll be well on our way to abolishing that right as well.  Cap and Trade legislation should help us in this endeavor as it taxes carbon dioxide, or, the air that people exhale; we’re hoping to tax the air that they inhale as well.  This will be more fair as not everyone smokes, but everyone breathes.”

Why not allow bar and restaurant owners to wall off areas for their smoking customers?  “We thought about that, but the fact is; if we allowed these owners to remodel their own private property to allow smoking, that could create thousands of jobs in the construction and the air filtration industries.  We simply weren’t prepared for that” Mr. DoGooder said.  “Besides” he continued, “what will they expect next?  Freedom to choose what foods to serve?  The ability to serve alcohol AND food at the same time?  Who do those people think they are?”

Mr. DoGooder’s work has been well documented.  Between 2001-2007 Mr. DoGooder and his team were able to destroy almost 80,000 jobs in textile mills and furniture plants alone.  “It just got out of hand,” Mr. DoGooder stated; “There were workers coming home from a shift with achy hands from running the sewing machines, workers who were bringing home samples given to them by their employers, we even had over 1,000 cases of chair caners coming home with splinters!  That’s just unacceptable.  It got so bad that some of the workers were actually coming home with enough money to go out and purchase cigarettes; we couldn’t have that.”  Mr. DoGooder went on to say; “It’s the old parable your Mom used to use at the dinner table; ‘Eat your food, there are starving children in China!’, this is our way of giving back; our Mom’s couldn’t feed those kids in China, so it’s up to us to send those jobs to China.  It’s all about their kids.”  When asked what about our kids here in North Carolina, Mr. DoGooder responded; “Oh, we have welfare for that; our kids will be fine.”

When asked how he felt about the agricultural renewal happening in North Carolina, with many former tobacco farmers now growing wine grapes, he chose his words carefully; “While our banking industry suffered due to a decline in farm machinery repossessions and farm foreclosures, we don’t feel that the NC vineyard industry is large enough yet to be an issue.  Once they employ over 10,000 people, then we’ll look at eliminating those jobs.”

What about the issue of drugs in our schools?  “Although we don’t have the capability yet to produce a  How-To guide for injecting heroin like our friends in New York, we are working on it.  They’ve promised to share some of their information with us, but we’re still lacking the information for the 3rd and 4th graders because their veins are so small.  We’re hoping health care reform will allow us to take over some of the big pharmaceutical companies so that we can manufacture the smaller syringes ourselves.  Once we make enough of them, we’ll be able to hand them out at no charge.”

I read an article recently that said the number one cause of divorce is no longer money problems; it’s a red tortoise shell bank shot that knocks ones spouse out of first place.  I can see where that can happen, based on the change in the family dynamic these last 4 days.  The Nuke Family is competitive by nature; Mario Kart just may make us militant too.  Fangs gnash, claws come out, audible growls are the norm; we’re hooked!  Just yesterday I was told by one Nuke Child (who will remain nameless) that the throwing of a steering wheel at a sibling was “an accident.”  “I was just passing it to them, gosh!”  Airborne Wii remotes that hit your sibling in the head are now classified as “your turn” in my house.

I’m getting used to some of it; I understand now that while getting “The Bullet” is cool because you get to go fast and you don’t have to steer, it really isn’t that cool because what it means is that you are either in last place or pretty darn close.  I already knew that if you hit a cow in the road that it would be painful, I just never realized that it would make your car do a back flip and make you yell; “Yoo-Hoo!”  Squid squirt ink, knew that; dodging moving  cars in the middle of the road makes your adrenaline escalate, check; and driving through mud or neck-deep snow is hard, gotcha.  I know that I’m a total Mario Kart newbie, and that this may bore those of you that already have a Wii, but it’s so darn addicting that I just had to share!  Here’s a short video for those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about.  Look for “The Bullet” near the end.  It’ll have white arms and a menacing smile.  I know.  Work with me here.