Two weeks ago, I left my job and started this.

I expected this to be easy, and while it has been freeing, it’s been overwhelming as well. I’ve overbooked myself, over-committed myself, over-scheduled myself. I’ve been learning a lot and giving myself the space to rethink…well, absolutely everything.

Right now, I have no real morning routine, day routine, or evening routine. I’m exploring new places to work and new ways of doing things. I’m re-dreaming everything and falling in love with life in so many ways.

So apologies for the silence while I’m settling in from this story. Trust me, there will be some clear, sunny skies ahead.

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On Tuesday, at 3:12am, I had my first-ever panic attack. As far as panic attacks go, I’m sure it was mild one: I just suddenly woke from my slumber with an overwhelming feeling of dread.

It was the “Oh my golly, what are you doing? You have bills to pay and stuff to buy” sort of dread, as if quitting my job meant I would be destitute.

Actually, this panic attack was panic from last Tuesday amplified. And it all centered around finances.

A word of advice: if you want to break out of the 9-to-5 cubicle, I recommend you sort out of your finances before you do. You don’t need a brilliant plan, but you do need a game plan. Debt shouldn’t hold you back from chasing your dreams, but knowing what you’ll need to pay when…that helps.

I will admit I’d been a bit lax about that. I’d fallen so in love with the idea of being a freelancer that I’d forgotten some practical steps I needed to take. Like doing my 2012 taxes to make sure I didn’t owe anything (boy do I ever). And knowing what expenses I have coming up. I’ve been berating myself with the “How could I have been so foolish?” soundtrack.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been living in this place of lack. It’s not a fun place to be. So I decided to get out. And putting myself back into the place of abundance means being generous.  My decision to go rogue may mean I’m in debt a bit longer than I’d like to be, but I will not allow it to influence my generosity along the way.

I love helping people. With advice. With money. With time. With presence.

So I did something most people don’t do when they find out they’re in debt — I gave money away. I went on Kiva.org and loaned $25 to Anar, a woman in Kyrgyzstan, to help her start her business. I’ve decided that as a creative entrepreneur, I want to support other entrepreneurs out there, especially women. We will all have our different struggles getting started, we will all encounter barriers while chasing dreams, but I won’t let my struggles or barriers change who I am or how I want to feel. That $25 isn’t much for me, but it’s a beginning for her — and it’s evidence that I can give no matter what my situation.

I’m now drafting a list of ways to keep the generosity flowing in my life. Here’s its beginning:

• Loan money to a small business owner on Kiva.org
• Answer questions for bloggers new to WordPress (I do a lot of that for my coding clients)
• Volunteer to teach someone a skill
• Be present for friends when they need to talk
• Compliment someone unexpectedly
• Smile and say “good day”
• Set an extra few dollars aside for people I may encounter on the street
• Pay for someone’s coffee

How do you practice generosity?

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On my recent trip to Kentucky, my father and I stopped in at his sister’s bookstore in Frankfort. My aunt Elizabeth and her children were the exotic part of the family in my mind as I grew up: they lived far away, in a world filled with books and blue grass and wide open spaces. I hardly knew them.

It’s only been in recent years that the cousins on my father’s side have begun to seek each other out and form bonds of friendship. It’s as if we picked up old books that were there, waiting to be discovered, and found a world within them.

I could get lost in my aunt’s bookstore, and I very nearly did. The bottom level is like many other book shops, filled with new titles laid out to catch your eye. But upstairs are where the real gems lie waiting for owners.

Books long forgotten line the shelves. They hide in shadows. Sometimes only a cover peeks out from beneath another book. You catch a flash of bright blue or a shimmer of gold. These books tell stories beyond the ones written in them: old owners names can be found on the first page, inscriptions are written on the inside front cover, notes have been jotted here and there in margins. You can feel the ghosts circle around you, whispering ever so softly as you move from one volume to the next.

I think we both need to find a bookstore to get lost in this week…

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My sweet friend Melissa is writing again. I wanted to gush about her because not only is she one of the most incredible women and writers I know, but I also helped her with her new website. It’s the perfect home for all the loveliness she creates, if you ask me (I might be biased).

Get over there and discover it. And have a beautiful weekend!

P.S. And if you want to hire me to flair your site or help you create a new space, drop me a line and let me know!

{image from Reverie Daydream}

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Last Friday, I gave notice at my job. It’s a move I wanted to make for more than a year.

I will tell you, I’ve been blessed at this job: I have a good salary, great benefits, super awesome coworkers, a nice work environment — everything I should want. Exactly what should make me happy. (Society and my parents say so.) Except it hasn’t.

Yes, I could finally afford an apartment on my own and buy myself nice things (such a change from my impoverished grad school days), but something has been missing. It’s woken me in the middle of the night, haunted me during my days. And I have enjoyed the work I do at times, but the feelings I so desire to feel at the deepest level (yes, I’ve joined Danielle LaPorte’s camp) have been absent.

I found myself a zombie in my 9-to-5 (more like 7:30-to-5 in my case). And that was terrifying.

A month ago, I decided to step outside the box I’d constructed for myself and dare to discover my full potential. At that point, the timing wasn’t exactly right: I needed to build a location-independent business for myself before I gave up the only source of income I had. So I chose a date: the spring equinox.

And that’s how I began.

———————————————–

To be honest, I’m freaking out a bit.

Breathing deep breaths.

I find myself wanting to write about it, and I think sharing my journey from full-time employee to self-employed and fully living life will help me. Knowing you’re there, reading these words, is comforting. Maybe my story will lead you to be bold and find the courage within to chase your dreams, if you haven’t already done so. (If you have, I want to hear from you — let’s talk guest post.)

While I make not distinctions about who I want to inspire (everyone would be awesome!), I have a soft spot for you single women out there. For a long time, I didn’t think making this move was practical (or possible) since I wouldn’t have a husband’s/partner’s income/health insurance to fall back on. It feels a little riskier, but there are definitely steps you can take toward security — and does it ever feel freeing.

So here I am, one step closer to the life I’ve always wanted. And I know this is only the beginning of the adventure.

(My official last day in my current position is April 18th. Until then, I’m wrapping up projects in the office and preparing for a freelance life.)

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Before the cold weather and snow hit last night, I spent a good portion of my weekend outdoors. I even got a bit of sunburn.

But that time in the woods, surrounded by trees, started me daydreaming, and when I came across these natural wood floors, cut along curved uneven lines natural to the wood itself, I found myself seriously lost in thoughts of a warm home, surrounded by green…

They just seem to flow perfectly into the landscape, don’t you think?

P.S. Thank you all so much for your wonderfully encouraging comments on my Friday post. I can’t wait to tell you more soon!

{all images — and floors — from Bole Floor}

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Last weekend, there was an archery tournament.

Today, I resigned from my job.

My heart is still racing. And let me tell you — while I feel wildly free, I’m also a bit terrified. For the first time in my life, I won’t have a guaranteed paycheck anymore.

But for the first time in my life, I’m going to be wildly pursuing my dreams.

It’s time to write the books I have outlined though, and travel and feel vibrantly alive in every moment of my life. While I’m getting to work on those, I’ll be coding some WordPress sites to help with transition and pay the bills (because I’m a Capricorn and we’re practical).

I’ll be back here more too, once my schedule is figured out and a final day is set. I can’t wait to catch up with you.

It seems today’s dawn brought a brave new world with it.

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…consists entirely of dresses and skirts.

I’m atypical as far as archers go though. But the combination of a dress and a bow makes me feel both powerful and feminine.

I love being a contradiction.

P.S. There’s a reason I’m not a fashion blogger: I always abandon cute shoes for practical ones. The ground at the outdoor range is typically wet and muddy, so I always go with my Hunter boots. The dress was a gift from my friends at eShakti — I’m in love with their retro styles and custom sizing. I have at least ten dresses from them now. If you haven’t shopped there before, I highly recommend you go fall in love with something. If you use the code NTYRVERGER, you’ll get 20% off through March 20th.

P.P.S. For those of you who know archery, yes, my elbow is high. I’ve been having some shoulder issues lately and posing for the photo sort of hurt.

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I got an email from my talented friend Dorkys minutes ago and immediately knew I had to share its contents: the announcement that her shop, Porcupine Hugs, has launched.

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Really, I don’t know if there’s anything better than a little sweetness snail-mail style. Well, unless one of these cards is accompanied by some deliciousness that I’ve baked.

Hmm…that needs to happen for someone soon, I think.

{cards can be purchased on porcupine-hugs.com}

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Elizabeth of Your Highest Self was particularly special though. “Meeting” her was like finding one of the long-lost members of my tribe. She’s a fountain of inspiration and positivity, so I wanted to share her site with you. You’ve got a weekend — start wandering around her little home on the web.

She recently finished penning an incredibly charming eBook that has totally motivated me to take better care of myself and regain some of the balance I’ve lost recently.

Yet another amazing Aussie. I think that means I’ll have to take a trip to Australia in the near future!!! I know Naomi and Kate (who also has an awesome eBook) will love this idea…

P.S. If you’re thinking about revamping or flairing your blog/website to make it even more awe-inspiringly amazing (just like you are), Ana and I are totally a Dynamic Duo for WordPress. She’s a Blogger superhero too. We’ve got you covered.

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