We tend to think suffering comes from how hard things are. This is partially true—no one lives a pain‑free life, and frankly, who would want to?

But more often than not, our deepest suffering doesn’t come from events themselves. It comes from our resistance when reality refuses to cooperate with our attachments, desires, and expectations.

For many high‑achievers—whether in corporate, athletic, or creative domains—early success is grounded in effort. We learn a simple equation: effort produces outcomes. And for a long time, that equation works.

But as life grows more complex, obstacles become less concrete and more nebulous. Effort remains necessary, but it stops being sufficient. And the learned instinct to try harder begins to backfire:

Pull harder, push longer, and double down on the plan may look like resilience, but it develops consequences more akin to resistance.

The band The War on Drugs captures this experience perfectly in their song “Pain”:

I’ve been pulling on a wire, but it just won’t break
I’ve been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
And I wanna find what can’t be found

That lyric distills suffering in its essential form: effort and attention applied where they don’t work.

Pain, resistance, and misplaced effort

The idea that misapplied effort doesn’t just fail—but actively creates suffering—appears across the major wisdom traditions. Buddhism and Stoicism arrive at this insight from different directions, but they describe the same inner mechanics.

Buddhism: suffering as resistance

In Buddhism, this understanding comes from the Second Noble Truth and the Arrow Sutta.

The Second Noble Truth (Samudaya) teaches that suffering (dukkha) arises not from events themselves, but from craving, clinging, and aversion—the demand that reality be other than it is. Whether we crave pleasure, becoming something, or the removal of discomfort, the root is the same: resistance to what’s here.

The Arrow Sutta sharpens this distinction. Life delivers the first arrow—pain—to everyone. But our mental reactions fire the second arrow, multiplying the pain.

A modern but faithful distillation of this teaching is often expressed as:

Suffering = Pain × Resistance

Pain is unavoidable. Loss, pressure, disappointment, and uncertainty are part of being alive. Suffering enters when pain is met with resistance:

• This shouldn’t be happening.
• I need this to be different.
• I can’t accept this.

The more we resist, the more pain multiplies. The less we resist what is, the less we suffer.

Stoicism: suffering as a misplaced locus of control

Stoicism arrives at the same conclusion from a different direction.

Epictetus divided choice into two categories—a distinction modernized in the idea of the Dichotomy of Control:

What is up to us: Our judgments, values, intentions, choices, and responses—how we interpret events and how we act.

What is not up to us: Outcomes, other people’s behavior, reputation, timing, immutable aspects of our body, genetics, market forces, and most external events.

For the Stoics, peace (and effectiveness) hinge on one core skill: the ability to accurately discern which category everything we experience belongs to.

Suffering occurs when we treat outcomes as if they were choices, or other people’s reactions as if they were extensions of our will.

In Stoic terms, suffering isn’t pain. It’s a category error.

Epictetus was uncompromising on this point. Disturbance doesn’t come from events themselves, but from investing our sense of control, identity, or worth in things that were never ours to command. As Seneca put it:

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.”

Different language. Same pattern. Same consequence.

Forms of Resistance

Read the lyric again:

I resist what I cannot change.

That single line bridges both the Stoic and Buddhist traditions.

Resistance isn’t just emotional—it’s a form of action, whether conscious or mindless. Attention and/or effort aimed at a target that is indifferent to our protest.

It takes shape in where we place our effort and what we give our attention to. Sometimes it looks like applying force to an immutable condition—arguing with timing, biology, markets, other people’s autonomy, or irreversible loss. Other times it looks quieter but just as costly: endless mental rehearsal, rumination, bargaining with reality, or compulsive problem-solving where no solution exists. And sometimes resistance disguises itself as pursuit—seeking relief, certainty, or happiness as if they were objects to be found rather than experiences that emerge from how we relate to what’s here. In every case, the pattern is the same: energy/attention aimed at something that cannot yield. Effort doesn’t just fail to help—it is a knot that tightens itself.

Pulling on the wire

I’ve been pulling on a wire, but it just won’t break

We keep pulling on the wire because effort has worked before. In earlier chapters of life, persistence was rewarded. So when something doesn’t respond, the instinct isn’t to reassess—it’s to intensify. More force. More control. More insistence.

We keep pulling because part of us believes:

• If I pull harder, it will give.
• If I stay rigid, reality will yield.
• If I refuse to adjust, this will eventually break.

Pulling harder doesn’t resolve; it hijacks attention that might otherwise bring clarity. At that point, effort becomes self-harm disguised as discipline. The tragedy isn’t that the wire won’t break—it’s that all the strength being applied there is no longer available elsewhere.

Stoicism would call this a failure of discernment. Buddhism would call it clinging. In practice, it’s the same mistake: confusing commitment with rigidity. Commitment adapts. Rigidity insists.

The moment you stop pulling, you don’t give up—you regain leverage to apply elsewhere.

Seeking what can’t be found

Not all resistance looks like pulling or pushing against reality. Some of it looks like chasing.

We assume that if we search hard enough, we’ll eventually arrive at the thing that will finally settle us:

• happiness
• fulfillment
• peace
• confidence
• certainty
• love

But seeking is another way we refuse to accept how experience actually works.

The most common seeking error: Happiness

For example, both Stoicism and modern psychology converge on an uncomfortable truth: happiness is not something you find. It’s not an object waiting to be discovered, achieved, or unlocked.

The Stoics were clear on this. A good life doesn’t come from acquiring the right outcomes or conditions. It comes from cultivating virtue—clear judgment, aligned action, and a right relationship to what is and isn’t in our control.

Positive psychology echoes the same conclusion. Enduring wellbeing, what science refers to as flourishing, emerges from practices and patterns of thought: meaning, agency, connection, and gratitude—not from finally “getting” the thing we believe will complete us.

Seeking becomes resistance when it implies:

• I am not okay until I arrive somewhere else.
• This moment is insufficient.
• Happiness is always one step ahead.

That’s why the lyric lands so hard:

I wanna find what can’t be found.

We suffer not because happiness, love, confidence, etc. are unavailable, but because we keep treating them like a destination rather than a way of being. Action precedes experience, not the other way around.

From philosophy to application

Ok. So we’re on board with the idea that resistance is futile and a major source of suffering. But telling ourselves—or someone else—“don’t resist” is like saying “don’t think of a pink elephant.” The instruction itself creates the problem.

Stoicism offers us a way to actualize the practice of avoiding resistance through the Dichotomy of Control.

A common misperception of Stoicism is that its indifference to outcome is passive, even fateful. Quite the contrary, the Dichotomy of Control lives in the paradigm of action. It invites us to consciously sort experience into what we can influence and what we can’t—and to invest our energy and attention accordingly. In the process of sorting experience into the categories of what is and isn’t in our control, we are consciously making a discernment that is the precursor to right-directed action.

Determine if the experience or circumstance is or isn’t in your control.

If it is, direct your attention elsewhere. If it is, act; OR choose not to act.

Either way, be at peace with the consequence of your action/inaction and don’t complain about the consequence of your choice.

“Be water”

Avoiding the pitfalls of resistance to reality won’t ever remove pain from our lives, but it does reframe how we relate to painful obstacles, which invariably occur in life. But this is where acceptance meets its limit, and we are invited to take the last step to harness that acceptance into conscious choices about our next action. 

Closely related is the Stoic idea—later summarized as The Obstacle Is the Way. Stoicism doesn’t teach us to eliminate obstacles before acting.

It teaches us to use them.

Constraints aren’t interruptions to the path.
They reveal the path.

Bruce Lee’s full reflection on how to “be” in life captures the concept in an analogy:

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless—like water.
You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.
You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle.
You put it into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Now water can flow or it can crash.
Be water, my friend.”

In Stoic terms, water doesn’t argue with the rock in a stream; it doesn’t resist what it can’t control about the rock’s form.

It accepts it, discerns its shape, finds the cracks, and adapts to its form.

Cracks exist because the rock exists. Opportunities exist because obstacles exist.
No rock, no channel. No obstacle, no opportunity.

Together, The Obstacle Is the Way and Bruce’s analogy teach us:

• The obstacle doesn’t block progress.
• Rigidity does.

Accepting reality isn’t passivity. Water isn’t weak.

It adapts without losing force. It yields to the rock’s form without giving up its own direction.

Become what moves through the cracks

This is the throughline:

• Suffering increases with resistance.
• Peace and effectiveness increase with adaptability.

If pulling on the wire doesn’t break it, or turning up the dial produces no sound, it’s not because you aren’t trying hard enough.

It’s because you’re applying force where there is no leverage.

Reality doesn’t reward insistence.

It rewards flexibility and discernment.

Not flexibility of values—but of approach.
Not abandonment of standards—but release of rigid forms.

The obstacle becomes the way the moment you stop resisting it.

Pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional.

It begins when we demand that reality be different.
It ends when we ask a better question:

So when you are confronted with an obstacle that is causing you pain, ask this question before your instincts to try harder kick in:

What shape does this require of me now?

Stop pulling on the wire.
Stop turning up the dial.
Stop trying to find what can’t be found.

Become what moves through the cracks.

The post The Obstacle Becomes the Way the Moment You Stop Resisting It appeared first on Derek Pilling.

We celebrate executives, private equity professionals and other people in high-performance careers for their “resilience.” They work 14-hour days, handle board pressure, navigate crises—all while appearing stress-free. But beneath the surface lies a truth most are uncomfortable to admit: what looks like resilience is often just the ability to endure stress. But resilience and stress tolerance are not the same thing.

Stress tolerance—the ability to push through deadlines, absorb criticism, or keep performing while exhausted—is not resilience. It’s adrenaline-fueled survival. And while it may keep you moving (temporarily), it doesn’t protect you from burnout, poor decisions, or emotional collapse when the stakes finally overwhelm your defenses.

Conflating stress tolerance with resilience reinforces a subtle but dangerous belief: that how you appear on the surface is who you are. In reality, this mindset impairs your ability to develop genuine resilience—the kind that allows you to thrive amid life and leadership challenges.

Resilience Lives in Regulation, Not Endurance

Resilience isn’t about how much you can endure—it’s about how effectively and quickly you recover, adapt, and respond under pressure. Your nervous system knows the difference.

Think of resilience like a mountain in a storm. From a distance, the summit looks impressive, standing firm against wind and rain. But the mountain’s true strength doesn’t come from the visible peak—it comes from its base, rooted deep into the earth. Storms swirl around it, but the mountain remains unchanged because it is anchored, flexible in its own way, and grounded in its integrity.

Toughness, by contrast, is like scaffolding around the summit. It may appear strong, but it buckles under sustained force. Many executives wear the scaffolding of toughness: long hours, relentless drive, and a stoic exterior. It gets you through short-term crises, but it doesn’t create the deep stability that allows you to thrive amid uncertainty and strain.

Science shows that resilient people:

• Return to baseline after stress rather than remain in overdrive
• Maintain clarity under uncertainty rather than just “gritting their teeth”
• Respond flexibly rather than reactively

Your nervous system is the mountain’s base. Without regulating it, toughness is just scaffolding—a brittle mask that will eventually crack and reveal the fragility underneath.

Identity: The Hidden Fault Line

Early in a career, “faking it till you make it” is an adaptive strategy. You project confidence, endure stress, and progress quickly. The identity you develop in that stage—tough, unflappable, able to endure anything—serves a purpose.

Later in a career, when stakes are higher, decisions are harder, and stressors are more frequent, that same identity becomes maladaptive. The tough, “confident” persona that helped you advance now limits authentic resilience: you resist rest, ignore recovery, and equate vulnerability with weakness.

This identity often deepens in attachments to role, title, or success metrics. Every challenge to those attachments feels existential:

• A missed target isn’t just a loss; it’s a threat to who you are
• Feedback isn’t information; it’s judgment
• Taking time to reflect or strategize feels dangerous, not valuable

For high performers who haven’t developed authentic resilience, this rarely leads to quitting (because toughness won’t allow it). Instead, it produces quiet collapse that isn’t necessarily perceivable on the surface.. The stronger the identity fusion, the greater the underlying fragility—and the more vulnerable you are to shocks.

Authentic resilience requires multiple anchors for self-worth, so your identity is differentiated from outcomes and attachments. Think of the mountain again: the peak is under constant erosion. If your summit is all you have—title, achievements, reputation—a storm that erodes those things threatens your entire stability. But if your roots are deep—anchored in multiple domains of identity—you remain standing no matter how fierce the elements.

Stoicism: Mask vs. Practice

Many leaders adopt a persona they think is associated with executive presence and toughness; a calm, detached, unshakable presence best described as stoic. But there’s a difference between stoicism as a mask and Stoicism as a philosophical practice.

Mask of stoicism: Characterized by emotional suppression, the active projection of “I am unbreakable,” and the avoidance of vulnerability. Leaders using the stoic mask often maintain the appearance of composure, but at a cost: brittle decision-making, poor emotional recovery, and accumulated stress that eventually leads to breakdowns. Like scaffolding around a mountain, it looks protective but lacks true grounding.

Practice of Stoicism: Anchored in virtues, observing your thoughts and emotions, tolerating discomfort, making conscious choices instead of reacting, distinguishing between what is and isn’t within your control, and letting setbacks inform growth. The practice builds real stability—like deep roots into the mountain’s base. It is deliberate, iterative, and grounded in awareness, not performance.

Whether you subscribe to Stoic philosophical practice, other philosophical practices or no philosophy at all, the mask of stoicism will always betray you in the long run because it aims to manage perception rather than cultivate the underlying ways of thinking and being that lead to authentic resilience.

Resilience is a Practice, Not a Trait

Contrary to popular belief, resilience isn’t something you either have or don’t. If it were a fixed trait, resilience training wouldn’t work—but it does. Research confirms that resilience emerges from repeated, deliberate practices that integrate nervous system regulation, cognitive flexibility, identity anchoring, and relational support.

Below are five high-leverage practices—with tactical examples—for leaders to start applying immediately:

1. Regulate Your Nervous System

Resilience starts below cognition. Without a regulated nervous system, even the most stress-tolerant leader will falter under sustained pressure.

Tactics & Examples:

• Breathing exercises: 4–6 minutes of slow, diaphragmatic or box breathing each morning
• HRV biofeedback: brief sessions in the morning or between meetings
• Micro-recoveries: short walks, stretching, or body scans during the day

Example: Begin your day with 5 minutes of paced breathing and end with a 2-minute body scan to notice tension and release it. Over time, your nervous system becomes more flexible, allowing quicker recovery—like the unflappable roots of a mountain adjusting to shifting conditions while remaining anchored.

2. Stress Exposure With Recovery

Controlled challenges followed by deliberate recovery build adaptability, just like athletic training. Endless grind without recovery does the opposite.

Tactics & Examples:

• Deliberate practice under mild stress: public speaking, strategic simulations, high-pressure negotiations
• Deliberate rest periods: naps, walks, low-stakes creative work
• Track recovery cycles to avoid cumulative fatigue

Example: Alternate 90-minute focused work sprints with 15–20 minutes of disengagement, allowing cognitive and emotional recovery before the next challenge. Like a mountain, the summit withstands the storm because its base is deep and wide.

3. Cognitive Flexibility and Reappraisal

Resilient leaders distinguish facts from interpretation and avoid catastrophic thinking.

Tactics & Examples:

• Conduct stress debriefs after high-stakes events: note what happened, what’s controllable, what can be reframed
• Use counterfactual thinking: “What’s the worst plausible outcome?”
• Name losses without self-attack

Example: After a challenging board meeting, spend 10 minutes noting what went as planned, what was outside your control, and what can be learned. The mountain doesn’t collapse when gusts buffet the peak—it remains grounded in its own truth.

4. Identity Decoupling

Anchor self-worth beyond role, title, or outcomes. Leaders who diversify identity are far more resilient when facing failure or uncertainty.

Tactics & Examples:

• Identify 3–5 non-work domains that define you: family, relationships, craft, service, physical fitness, values
• Practice low-stakes irrelevance: hobbies, volunteer work, learning new skills
• Clarify your Why: the deeper meaning behind your work

Example: Schedule one activity per week—coaching a youth team, writing, or physical training—where your identity isn’t measured by professional success. The mountain is resilient not because its summit is high, but because its roots extend deep in multiple directions.

5. Relational Truth-Telling

Social support is the most robust resilience buffer—but only if it includes honesty.

Tactics & Examples:

• Maintain one or two trusted relationships (coach, therapist, friend) where masks can drop
• Share doubts, fears, and mistakes openly
• Avoid purely transactional or “deal” relationships; cultivate authentic, empathetic connections

Example: Commit to a 30-minute weekly check-in with a mentor or coach to discuss not what you did right, but where you felt vulnerable or uncertain. Like mountain roots intertwining with soil and rock, these connections stabilize and nourish resilience.

Closing: Practice Over Endurance

Resilience isn’t something you have—it’s something you do. It emerges from repeated, deliberate regulation of your nervous system, thoughtful meaning-making, perspective-taking, and adaptable, multi-faceted and anchored identity.

Most executives don’t realize how fragile their “resilience” really is until it’s too late. Toughness is seductive, but endurance without regulation is a trap that eventually collapses beneath you.

The leaders who survive—and thrive—don’t just tolerate stress. They practice resilience every day, cultivating deep roots that hold firm no matter how challenging the circumstances. And the good news is: this is a skill anyone can develop with conscious attention and practice.

The post Don’t Confuse Stress Tolerance with Resilience appeared first on Derek Pilling.

So the story goes: when Michelangelo was asked by Pope Julius II how he sculpted the David, he replied:

“I just removed everything that is not David.”

It’s a line that feels almost too simple—yet its simplicity is exactly what makes it profound. It points to a truth that transcends art: our highest self is already within us. Revealing it requires subtraction, not addition.

This insight has become a recurring theme in my writing and coaching practice, what I call Growth Through Elimination. It’s the idea that sometimes, the most powerful path to growth isn’t about adding more tools, skills, or goals—it’s about removing what obscures the best version of yourself.

Growth Through Elimination

Two blog posts I’ve written explore this concept more deeply:

• Negotiating With Yourself
• An Alcohol-Free Lifestyle

In both, the essence is the same: when we remove the habits, behaviors, influences, and stories that obscure who we are, what remains is a clearer, truer, more aligned self.

Elimination unlocks our nature. It allows what’s essential to emerge. And this isn’t just metaphor—ancient philosophical traditions and modern psychology converge on this principle.

The Philosophy of Subtraction

Across cultures and centuries, some of the world’s most enduring philosophies share a surprisingly consistent insight:

The self is revealed not by adding more, but by removing what obscures it.

Stoicism: Strength Comes From Within

Stoicism teaches that our best selves are already present beneath the noise and distraction of everyday life. Marcus Aurelius wrote:

“Look well into yourself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if you will always look.”

Seneca, similarly, encouraged us to “draw ourselves back into ourselves,” peeling away the unnecessary. Stoics didn’t see growth as acquiring new virtues—they saw it as uncovering the rational, grounded self already present beneath passion, fear, and societal pressure.

Stoicism is fundamentally subtractive. Its practices aim to quiet the passions, let go of external attachments, and strip away distortions that conceal clarity and inner strength.

Buddhism: Clear Seeing Through Letting Go

Buddhism expresses a similar truth, often even more directly.

The Buddha taught that suffering arises from clinging—whether to old stories, cravings, aversions, or mistaken identities. Liberation, he taught, comes through letting go, not accumulating more.

A well-known Buddhist teaching captures this beautifully:

“When you let go of who you think you are, you become who you truly are.”

Meditation itself is a subtractive practice: quieting mental chatter, noticing what arises, releasing it, and dissolving layers of conditioning to reveal clarity. Each layer you release is like chiseling away the marble around David: what is essential is already there; your job is simply to uncover it.

Both Stoicism and Buddhism converge on this principle: growth is subtractive, not additive. Strength, clarity, and wisdom are not found somewhere outside yourself—they are revealed by removing the barriers that block them.

Positive Psychology: The Science of What’s Already There

Modern positive psychology echoes these ancient insights with empirical data. The focus isn’t on creating new strengths but removing the obstacles that prevent existing strengths from showing up.

Some examples:

• VIA Character Strengths (Peterson & Seligman): Research shows that humans flourish not by inventing new traits, but by identifying and expressing the strengths already present. Your natural capabilities are often underutilized because of distraction, habit, or circumstance.
• Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan): People naturally gravitate toward growth when obstacles—fear, social pressure, or poor environments—are removed. Motivation is often about removing friction rather than adding effort.
• Cognitive Load Research: The brain has limited bandwidth. Eliminating distractions frees mental space for creativity, insight, and self-regulation—the abilities we often misinterpret as “new skills” but are really latent strengths unlocked by reducing cognitive clutter.
• Behavioral Psychology: Removing friction—like automating a task, saying “no” to distractions, or setting boundaries—is often more effective than forcing more effort or adding incentives.
• Creativity Research: Moments of boredom—periods with reduced stimulation—activate the brain’s default mode network, the engine of imagination. Creativity is not “added”; it emerges when space is created for it.

Across disciplines, the message is remarkably consistent:

Your strengths already exist. Growth is revealed by clearing the path for them.

A Universal Insight

Whether through philosophy or science, the conclusion is the same:

• Your strengths already exist—they are within you.
• Your true self is not something you find; it is something you reveal.
• The pathway to growth is subtraction, not addition.

The work is to remove what obscures it.

What Might You Remove?

As we approach a new year, it can be helpful to reframe resolutions. Instead of asking, “What will I add?” “or do?”, ask: “What will I remove?”

Some possibilities include:

• Old stories that no longer match who you are
• Roles adopted to meet others’ expectations
• Habits that numb instead of nourish
• Patterns that once protected but now restrict
• Attachments to outcomes beyond your control
• Comparisons that distort your values
• Noise—digital, emotional, relational—that drowns out your inner signal

Each subtraction is like a chisel stroke: gradually revealing the form that has always been present.

The Ongoing Practice

Elimination isn’t dramatic. It’s steady, quiet, and intentional.

Every habit you release, every story you let go of, every boundary you enforce brings you one step closer to the shape that has always been there. Like Michelangelo revealing the David, your essential self is already present—it only needs the extraneous material removed.

This is true whether you are sculpting a life free of distractions, building your leadership presence, or creating space for creativity and insight. Philosophy and science point to the same universal truth:

When you remove what is not you, what remains is what was always true.

A Different Way to Approach Resolutions for 2026

As we approach a new year, our minds will be drawn to what we want to accomplish in 2026 and, invariably, to the resolutions we think will get us there. I encourage you to consider flipping the typical resolution question: instead of asking “What will I add?”, ask:

“What will I remove?”

This approach isn’t just semantic—it fundamentally changes how you focus your attention. Rather than piling on new habits, goals, or obligations, you’re creating space for your existing strengths, clarity, and creativity to emerge.

Here’s a simple framework to try:

1. Identify What No Longer Serves You
   • Habits that numb instead of nourish
   • Roles or expectations adopted to please others
   • Old stories or beliefs that limit your potential
2. Spot Your Noise and Distractions
   • Digital clutter—endless notifications, social media scrolling
   • Emotional clutter—relationships, obligations, or thought patterns that drain energy
   • Comparisons and external pressures that distort your values
3. Decide on One or Two Key Subtractions
   You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Start with one small but meaningful removal—a habit, a story, or a source of noise.
4. Notice What Emerges
   • Clarity in decision-making
   • Energy for creative or meaningful work
   • Greater alignment with your values and priorities

By making subtraction your resolution, you’re not losing anything essential. You’re revealing what’s already there: your truest self, your latent strengths, and the clarity that guides better choices.

For further inspiration, consider this poem, Clearing, by Martha Postlethwaite:

Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself to this world
so worthy of rescue.

This approach transforms resolutions from a list of things to “do” into a path of intentional clearing, setting you up for a year of alignment, focus, and authentic growth.

The post Revealing Your Best Self by Removing What Isn’t You appeared first on Derek Pilling.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a LinkedIn post about the danger of “false prophets of personal growth.” You know, the ones who promise transformation through a single event, quote, or moment of insight.

The idea that change is event-driven is good marketing, but bad advice. Every evidence-based model of personal change tells us it doesn’t work that way. These “life-changing hooks” have become so pervasive that it’s worth unpacking where they go wrong — and what actually works.

The Allure (and Danger) of “Life-Changing” Hooks

Scroll your feed and you’ll see them everywhere:

“The quote that changed my life.”
“This cured my overthinking.”
“The moment everything shifted.”

They’re effective marketing devices — short, digestible, and emotionally charged. They resonate because they promise what we want to believe about change: that it’s instant, dramatic, and transformative.

But we’re being sold a false picture of how personal growth actually happens.

To be fair, events can spark reflection. A conversation, a loss, or a new challenge can help us see something we hadn’t before. But let’s not confuse insight with change.

The reality — supported by decades of behavioral science — is that meaningful personal growth is iterative. It unfolds in cycles of trying, failing, learning, and re-engaging. Its a process, not an event.

What the Science Says

The Transtheoretical Model of Change (TTM) offers one of the most widely studied frameworks for understanding how people actually change. It rejects the notion of change as a single leap, by framing changes as a continuous loop through discrete stages:

• Precontemplation — not yet considering change

• Contemplation — starting to recognize the need for change

• Preparation — planning or experimenting

• Action — actively engaging in new behavior

• Maintenance — sustaining the new behavior

And then, often, a return to earlier stages through regression or relapse.

This model applies equally to quitting unwanted behaviors (like smoking) and starting positive ones (like exercise or journaling). Examples include:

• Falling back into old habits while trying to quit smoking or drinking

• Missing workouts or breaking diet routines while trying to start healthy habits

• Stopping creative projects like writing or painting, only to resume later

A Personal Example: Writing a Book (and Relapsing)

A few months ago, I began writing a book — one that explores the science and philosophy of striving: how to pursue ambitious goals wisely, without sacrificing wellbeing, and in a way that aligns with our values and sense of meaning.

The process started strong — early mornings, focused sessions, real progress.
Then, gradually, I stopped. I haven’t returned to it… yet.

I’ve kept writing in other ways (this post is proof), but not on the book itself. Looking back, I think I was daunted by the scope of the project and the long, uncertain path ahead.

The topic came up recently while cooking with a friend, a psychologist and athletic performance coach, who’s in the process of writing a book. I was really curious about her experience of taking on this monumental task, so I asked her about her process, which she told me about. Then I mentioned, “I’m thinking about writing a book.”

She smiled and said, “So, you’re in the contemplation phase.”

I laughed, knowing that “contemplation” was one of the TTM stages, and said, “I think I’m in pre-contemplation.” I went on to describe how I had started and then stopped. We joked about where I was in the stages of change model (which is a really cool and nerdy thing to do). It was a fun and funny conversation, but as I reflected on it later, I realized how helpful it was to frame the start and stop of book writing I had experienced in the context of the TTM.

Rather than failing as a writer, I’d simply looped through a cycle of the stages and regressed to an earlier stage. She was right, I was in contemplation (recognizing the need to change), but only because I had regressed there. Regression wasn’t the end of the story (unless I made it so); regression was part of the process.

The Role of Relapse (or Regression)

Relapse (if you’re trying to stop something) or regression (if you’re trying to start something new) isn’t failure. It’s feedback.

Behavioral science views these setbacks as natural parts of the process of change and as essential providers of feedback. Each setback reveals something valuable:

• What triggers resistance?

• Which motivations fade under pressure?

• What structures or habits are missing to support progress?

How we perceive failure really matters. As Albert Einstein put it,

“Failure is success in progress.”

When we see relapse as defeat, we retreat. When we see it as natural (even expected), we have an opportunity to learn and re-engage.
The only real failure is mistaking relapse for failure itself and failing to restart as a result (if we’re committed to doing the thing).

For me, that means returning to the page not as someone who “failed to write,” but as someone still becoming a writer — and building the routines to support that becoming.

Reframing Your Relationship With Change

The key to personal growth is establishing a healthy relationship with the process of change. It’s not about avoiding setbacks; it’s about making setbacks matter by taking each as a teachable moment.

• Don’t wait for the “aha” moment. Real growth happens in quiet repetition, not cinematic breakthroughs.
• Don’t shame yourself for relapse; expect it. Progress is rarely linear. When you slide backward, treat it as a signal to recalibrate and an opportunity to re-engage.
• Lean into iteration. You don’t need to be perfect; you just need to choose whether you will stay in the process. If necessary, start again, a hundred times if you must.
• Build structure. Small systems and predictable routines make re-engagement easier when motivation wanes.
• Practice self-compassion. Treat setbacks as part of the work, not proof you’re incapable; how you talk to yourself after a regression shapes whether you return.
• Beware of shortcut marketing. The “quote that changed my life” might sell and make you feel good when you read it, but it won’t build a habit.

The truth about the dynamic process of personal growth isn’t convenient; it demands humility, persistence, and self-awareness. When we look for miracles or instant transformations in events, quotes, and anywhere external to us, we yield our agency to the event, when in fact, the power to change resides in us — in our daily choices, our persistence, and our willingness to start again.

Wisdom is in understanding that change is messy, yet striving to grow regardless.

The post Growth is a Process, Not a Moment appeared first on Derek Pilling.

“I’ll start tomorrow.”
“I deserve a break.”
“It’s not the right time.”

We all know these lines. They aren’t necessarily spoken aloud, but they creep into our heads when we face the moment of action. This is the voice of self-negotiation. And more often than not, it wins by rationalizing the path of least resistance forward.

Decades of research in behavioral psychology converge on the same finding: motivation is unreliable fuel for long-term personal change. It spikes and dips with mood, stress, fatigue, and context. As a result, people who depend on motivation alone relapse more often, whether in diet, exercise, or smoking cessation (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983; Baumeister, 1998).

But acknowledging motivation’s volatility isn’t permission to fail; it’s the mindset we need to head off what happens when motivation falters. We begin negotiating with ourselves. We rationalize. We bargain. In that discourse of the mind, motivation rarely wins.

Preparing for Relapse

This is why personal change is hard. Whether it is exercise, diet, meditation, quitting smoking, or any other practice we are attempting to install, the science of change acknowledges relapse as a part of the process. The key is to frame relapse not as failure but as an expected step in the process. This mindset allows for self-compassion when (not if) setbacks arise and prepares us to “get ahead” of the most common reasons for relapse.

Among those reasons, one stands out: overreliance on motivation. All of this raises a very practical question:

If motivation cannot be trusted, how do we eliminate the negotiation altogether?

Six Practices to Eliminate Self-Negotiation

1. Pre-Decide with “If–Then” Plans
Psychologist Peter Gollwitzer’s research on implementation intentions shows that specifying “If situation X arises, then I will do Y” can double or even triple follow-through rates. Pre-deciding removes the gray zone where negotiation thrives. If it’s 7am, then I lace up my shoes. The cue triggers the behavior automatically.

2. Automate the Environment
BJ Fogg’s Behavior Model highlights how reducing friction is more powerful than summoning willpower. When the desired action is the easiest option, the negotiation evaporates. Put your gym bag by the door, prep meals in advance, and remove temptations. Make the desired choice the default.

Personal Example: I put my meditation pillow by my bedroom door so that I see it before I leave my bedroom in the morning. I literally can’t get out of my room without stepping over it.

3. Shrink the Starting Line
James Clear and Fogg both emphasize “minimum viable habits” as an antidote to resistance. The smaller the entry point, the harder it is to argue against. Meditate for two breaths. Write one sentence. Do one push-up. Negotiation can’t survive when the starting point feels effortless.

4. Anchor Habits to Identity
Behavioral science shows that identity-based habits are stickier than outcome-based ones. Negotiation happens when the behavior feels optional. Identity makes it non-negotiable. “I am a runner.” “I am a non-smoker.” Each action reinforces who you are, and each identity statement bypasses the courtroom in your head.

Personal Example: I’ve adopted the identity of a person who is “Alcohol Free”. I don’t negotiate with myself over having alcohol because I’m a person who doesn’t drink it. I let others know this freely, not to preach but to anchor myself in that identity.

5. Turn Decisions into Rituals
Baumeister’s work on decision fatigue shows that the more choices we face, the more likely we are to lapse. Rituals erase decisions. A fixed routine—wake up → hydrate → stretch → journal—turns intention into autopilot. Once ritualized, the behavior is no longer a question.

Personal Example: My bedtime routine includes the following sequence: brush teeth, Waterpik, and mouth rinse. My electric toothbrush, Waterpik, and rinse are right next to each other on the bathroom counter. I can’t put one back in its place without confronting the other two… It’s not a decision to perform all three tasks; it’s a single decision to start the sequence.

6. Draw Bright Lines
Ambiguity fuels rationalization. Clear rules extinguish it. “I don’t eat dessert on weekdays” is stronger than “I’ll try to eat less sugar.” In behavioral economics, these are called bright-line rules: they simplify choices, reduce cognitive load, and block negotiation by design.

The Science-Backed Path To Personal Change/Growth

The science is consistent across domains: motivation is unstable, but systems are durable. Implementation intentions, environment design, identity anchoring, rituals, and bright-line rules all work by the same mechanism: they remove the moment of choice.

In other words, successful change isn’t about motivation or arguing harder with yourself. It’s about designing your habits so there’s nothing to argue with yourself about.

The post Growth Through Elimination: Negotiating With Yourself appeared first on Derek Pilling.

My father gave me two gifts when he departed life a year ago: a fly-fishing rod and the lesson of impermanence. As I reflect on the first anniversary of his passing, I find myself grateful for those blessings in ways words can barely express.

Before my father’s passing, I’d only dabbled in fly fishing – more casting than catching. But in gifting me one of his beloved rods, my dad extended more than a hobby; he offered an invitation to immerse myself in something that brought him peace, presence, joy, and many life lessons in his later years.

Now, having spent hours with line in hand and feet in the stream, I understand more clearly what drew him to it: the stillness of nature, the humbling of tangled lines, the joy of release, and the chance to commune with something wild and fleeting. I’m hooked, so to speak.

But the deeper gift his passing offered was something more enduring than graphite and cork: it was a calling to embrace the reality of impermanence.

From Intellect to Embodiment

We all “know” that life is temporary. But knowing such a thing can leave it abstract, tucked away in the corner of our mind like a book on a shelf. The death of someone close, particularly a parent, can crack open that intellectual understanding and bring it into our being. My dad’s passing did that for me.

In coaching work, we often encounter the challenge of integrating knowledge into practice. It’s one thing to understand a concept like impermanence cognitively; it’s another to consciously apply it to how you move through the world. As I crossed the divide from knowledge to embodiment with this lesson, it began to reshape how I show up, what I give my attention to, and how I relate to time, myself, and others.

The Stoics had a term for this practice: Memento Mori, which translates to “remember you must die.” Far from being a morbid fixation, Memento Mori was a conscious daily reminder to live fully, virtuously, and with clarity of purpose. In the same way that a fly-fisher must be present to the movement of water, the line, and the drift of the fly, Memento Mori invites us to be deeply present to the movement of our lives.

What Embracing Impermanence Has Taught Me (So Far)

Here are a few principles I’ve come to live by – each drawn from a renewed relationship with my mortality, and grounded in my study of the philosophy and science of human performance. Each practice is deeply relevant to anyone who has internalized the idea that it is our purpose here to grow.

1. Live Consciously

Studies suggest that 90–95% of our decisions are made unconsciously. That statistic should alarm you if you are trying to live intentionally. And yet, it mirrors how many of us operate – on autopilot, swept up in reactivity, over-identification, rumination over past and future, or the endless pursuit of “what’s next.”

As Seneca wrote:

“It is not that we have a short time to live, but rather that we waste most of it.”

I’ve certainly suffered from the adverse consequences of living unconsciously. And in my coaching practice, I’ve seen how a lack of conscious attention can dull our ability to make decisions and take actions that align with our virtues. For me, embracing mortality has sharpened my focus, crystallized where I choose to direct my attention. It’s helped me reclaim my agency, deepen my presence, reinforce my meditation practice, and reconnect to what matters most.

Challenge yourself with these questions:
Where in your life are you operating on autopilot?
What might “waking up” look like in that area?

2. Gratitude for All of Life’s Experiences

The embrace of our mortality can bring perspective to how we approach all life’s experiences. Marcus Aurelius offered this potent reminder:

“You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.”

This quote doesn’t come with an asterisk – it applies not just to joyful moments, but to struggle, friction, and failure. When we embrace impermanence, we begin to see even the hard things as invitations to grow, to practice our values, and to fully live.

In my own experience, this shift toward wholeness, gratitude for all of it, has been transformative. Rather than splitting life into good/bad or success/failure, I’ve learned to meet each experience as a teacher.

Challenge yourself with these questions:
What recent challenge could you reinterpret as a teacher or gift?

3. Live Courageously

Western culture teaches us to fear death and cling to comfort. But the Stoics offer a more empowering view: that we should embrace death as a natural aspect of life.

Seneca reminds us:

“I cannot escape death, but at least I can escape the fear of it.”

And Marcus Aurelius extends on Seneca’s ideas, by reinforcing that it is not death we should fear:

“It is not death that a man should fear, but rather he should fear never beginning to live.”

In coaching, one of the most common themes I hear is regret, not just for choices made, but for risks never taken. This aligns with what scientific studies of people receiving palliative care, specifically, that: these persons frequently regret not having lived a life true to themselves and not taking risks to pursue ambitious goals that were worthy of them. It is not death you should fear, but rather not living in harmony with your nature and not taking risks to pursue goals worthy of you.

When we embrace our mortality, we’re more likely to act from alignment than avoidance, to prioritize purpose over approval.

Personally, I’ve found freedom in caring less about perception and more about authenticity. This blog – on a topic I once would’ve deemed too taboo – is an example of that. I harbor no fear of stepping toward uncomfortable topics, nor am I afraid of speaking hard truths. Rather, I’m putting them on the table and embracing that some may judge me harshly for not conforming to social norms.

Questions to challenge yourself with:
If you truly accepted that time is limited, what courageous move would you make this month? What are you procrastinating doing out of fear of how others may judge you?

Impermanence as a Practice

The invitation here in this post isn’t to dwell on death, but to live with eyes wide open. To let impermanence become a practice, not as morbid meditation, but as a compass for how you direct your attention, set your goals, and honor your values.

Memento Mori is a call to presence. It’s a lens through which we can reflect on whether we are living in alignment with what we care about most. It helps us cut through distraction, procrastination, and fear, and invites us to move through the world with clarity and courage.

For me, this includes making space to connect with the natural world – through fly-fishing and other outdoor endeavors, yes, but also through consciousness, stillness, solitude, and awe. The time I’ve spent recently with my feet in a stream reminds me: everything is always changing (ie, is impermanent). And that’s the point. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus is quoted as saying:

“No [person] ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he is not the same [person].”

Just like the river, we too are always changing. As we change, it is the direction in which we are moving that matters more than where we are. With that in mind, I’ll leave you with a final reflection from Marcus:

“Don’t behave as if you are destined to live forever. What’s fated hangs over you. As long as you live and while you can—become good now.”

Let that be our urgent invitation as we choose the direction in which we are moving:

To become good now.
To live consciously.
To act with gratitude.
And to move through life with courage.

The post Embracing Impermanence: A Reflection on Mortality and Mastery appeared first on Derek Pilling.

In a prior post, “Unlocking Value: The Quantifiable ROI of Executive Coaching for Private Equity Firms,” I explored the compelling financial and performance benefits that executive coaching delivers, demonstrating its significant return on investment. While the “why” of executive coaching is clear, the “how” of integrating it effectively into a private equity firm’s value creation playbook requires a strategic approach. This post will delve into overcoming common obstacles and provide a tactical guide for building a robust executive coaching program that maximizes human capital potential and drives long-term value creation.

Overcoming Barriers: Normalizing Coaching as a Strategic Asset

Addressing the Stigma: From Remedial to Reinforcement and Competitive Advantage

A significant inefficiency in private equity-backed executive access to coaching stems from the inherent “arms-length relationship” between investors and executives, coupled with the perceived stigma associated with coaching. Executives often hesitate to (or worse, never) proactively seek coaching resources, fearing that such a request might imply a deficiency or that “something must be wrong with the executive”. This perception is rooted in common stigmas, such as the belief that coaching is a precursor to termination, that seeking coaching makes a leader appear weak, or that it primarily involves receiving negative feedback.²

Beyond external perceptions, internal barriers also contribute to this reluctance. Many executives struggle with vulnerability, viewing profound openness as inconsistent with their leadership identity.¹ This psychological barrier is a strategic obstacle. If executives perceive coaching as remedial or a sign of weakness, they will resist engagement, thereby undermining the investment. Overcoming this requires more than simply offering the service; it demands a deliberate cultural shift to reframe coaching.

Despite these historical perceptions, the past decade has witnessed a significant transformation in attitudes towards executive coaching.² It is increasingly viewed not as a sign of weakness, but as a “competitive edge” for individuals serious about maximizing their impact and achieving peak performance, both professionally and personally.²

The Power of Proactive Engagement: Differentiating Your Firm in a Competitive Landscape

Enlightened private equity investors can strategically circumvent the inefficiency caused by executive hesitancy and stigma by proactively offering coaching programs by proactively offering coaching resources as a standard part of their value-creation playbook. This direct approach disarms the stigma associated with coaching and removes the burden from executives to initiate the request, positioning the PE firm as a supportive partner rather than a critical overseer.

The willingness to proactively offer coaching serves as a powerful differentiator for PE sponsors when engaging with target investment candidates. The provision of such resources signals a firm’s willingness to invest in the development of the executives they back, a compelling value proposition in a competitive deal environment. This proactive approach creates a “human capital moat” around each investment platform. In a competitive deal environment where financial terms may be similar, a firm’s demonstrated commitment to executive development becomes a unique selling proposition, attracting higher-caliber management teams and potentially securing higher-quality deals.

Building Your Coaching Playbook: A Tactical Implementation Guide

Starter Kit: A Streamlined Approach for Human Capital Centric Firms

For private equity sponsors with fewer resources or limited time, establishing a comprehensive coaching program might seem daunting. However, significant value can be unlocked by implementing a “starter kit” approach, focusing on the most impactful initial steps of establishing a coaching program. This streamlined model allows firms to begin realizing the benefits of executive coaching within their portfolio without the need for a full-scale infrastructure.

The starter kit focuses on two foundational elements of a coaching program:

1. Proactively Offer Coaching to Portfolio Company Executives: As detailed in the section above, the act of proactively extending coaching as a resource, rather than waiting for executives to request it, is crucial. This immediately addresses the stigma associated with seeking coaching and positions the PE firm as a supportive partner invested in executive development. It also serves as a powerful differentiator in competitive deal environments.
2. Curate a List of Coaches for Referral: Establish a list of 3-5 coaches to whom you offer to refer portfolio company executives. This list should still prioritize quality and ensure a basic level of fit, allowing executives to choose from pre-vetted options. In addition, it is wise to encourage portfolio company executives to evaluate other coaches not on your referral list. These practices provide the portfolio company executive with the essential element of choice, which is critical for successful coaching relationships. Keep in mind to be explicit with portfolio company execs that these coaches have no duty to you and that you expect that communication between the executive and coaches (both during the evaluation process and during a coaching engagement) is confidential.

By implementing these two simple steps, firms can capture a significant portion of the value attributable to a coaching program and begin to foster a culture of development, paving the way for more comprehensive programs in the future as resources and time allow.

Additional Program Elements for A Comprehensive Coaching Program

Once the foundational “Starter Kit” elements are in place, larger firms with more resources can create a more extensive list of coaching resources and implement additional program elements to establish a more robust executive coaching program..

3. Establish a Transparent and Flexible Rate Card Structure: Creating and maintaining a rate card for coaches participating in the PE sponsor’s program is a practical step that brings transparency into each executive’s selection of a coach. It is important to acknowledge that not all coaches will offer their services at the same price; variations are expected and can even be a factor in an executive’s selection process. Coaching costs vary significantly based on several factors: the coach’s level of expertise and proven track record, the executive’s seniority (C-suite coaching commands higher fees due to greater complexity and business impact), the structure of the engagement (hourly sessions, structured packages over several months, or ongoing retainers), and the total duration of the coaching relationship.¹ The point of establishing and maintaining a rate sheet is not for the purpose of the private equity and venture capital firms negotiating rates, but rather to empower portfolio company executives in making price-informed decisions that balance the quality and fit, experience of the coach, and cost.
4. Foster Open Communication and Monitor Progress for Continuous Improvement: Maintaining open communication with executives about their coaching process and actively monitoring the program’s progression through regular check-ins is essential. This active involvement provides the PE sponsor with a valuable role in the coaching process and generates feedback that can inform better matching of executives with coaches in the future.

It is paramount that confidentiality remains a cornerstone of the coaching relationship.³ While monitoring progress, the PE firm must respect the confidential nature of individual coaching conversations. The goal is to ensure the program is delivering value and to provide feedback for future coach-executive matching, not to micromanage the coaching content. This delicate balance is key to maintaining the trust essential for effective coaching.

The PE sponsor would also be wise to check in with each coach on its roster periodically (I suggest no less than annually) to discuss progress with individual executives, changes in service rates, and to re-evaluate the fit of the coach with the PE sponsor’s coaching program objectives.

Conclusion: Investing in Executive Coaching is An Investment in Value-Creation

In the contemporary private markets, human capital, particularly the strength and capacity of executive leadership, stands as a pivotal, yet often underleveraged, driver of value creation.

The evidence is compelling: executive coaching leads to demonstrably enhanced individual performance, fosters improved leader wellbeing and mental toughness, and creates a positive ripple effect that transforms team dynamics and organizational culture. These improvements translate directly into significant financial returns, as evidenced by impressive ROI figures, substantial productivity gains, and measurable improvements in employee retention.

A proactive, well-structured executive coaching program offers a distinct competitive advantage for private company investors. Such a program is not merely a perk but a sophisticated, data-driven investment in value creation. It differentiates a private equity, growth equity, or venture capital firm in the highly competitive landscape of deal sourcing, attracting top-tier talent by signaling a genuine commitment to executive development. Furthermore, it mitigates critical human capital risks, ultimately maximizing the potential for increased portfolio company valuations and exit values.

I urge professional investors to recognize executive coaching as a strategic imperative and to formally add coaching to their value creation playbook.  Investing in the “whole human and leadership capacity” of executives is a direct and highly effective investment in future value and sustained competitive advantage. This approach transforms human capital from an unmeasured cost center into a powerful engine for growth and long-term value creation.

Works cited

1. Benefits of Executive Coaching – Feinberg Consulting, Inc.,  https://www.feinbergcare.com/benefits-of-executive-coaching-2/
2. 3 Stigmas and Solutions in Executive Coaching | DHR Global, https://www.dhrglobal.com/news/3-stigmas-and-solutions-executive-coaching/
3. How to Create an Internal Executive Coaching Program – Simply.Coach, https://simply.coach/blog/internal-executive-coaching-benefits/

The post Beyond ROI: A Practical Guide for Adding Executive Coaching to Your Private Equity Value Creation Playbook appeared first on Derek Pilling.

Coaching as a Value Creation Lever

Private equity firms increasingly see executive coaching programs as a targeted, evidence-based intervention designed to unlock this latent human capital potential. These programs have a proven impact on individual executive performance, leadership capacity, mental toughness, and holistic wellbeing. This positive influence then cascades, improving team dynamics, enhancing organizational culture, and ultimately, bolstering corporate performance and increasing exit value. The financial case is compelling: a Metrix Global study found that executive coaching can yield an impressive 788% ROI, primarily driven by increases in productivity and employee retention.²

Proactively integrating executive coaching into the PE value creation playbook not only enhances the performance and profitability of portfolio companies but also serves as a powerful differentiator in deal sourcing and talent attraction. It signals a firm’s commitment to long-term growth and the comprehensive development of the executives it backs.

The Evidence-Based Impact: Why Coaching Delivers Measurable Returns

Elevating Individual Executive Performance and Leadership Capacity

Executive coaching is a personalized development strategy designed to empower leaders to excel.⁴ It functions as a critical mirror, enabling leaders to clearly perceive their blind spots and biases, thereby fostering leadership that integrates both intellect and empathy.⁴ Through this collaborative partnership with a seasoned coach, executives gain invaluable tools and insights necessary to become more effective, influential, and impactful leaders.

Coaching specifically sharpens essential leadership skills, including effective communication, critical decision-making, and emotional intelligence.⁴ This process cultivates an environment of continuous personal and professional development, allowing leaders to refine these capabilities and navigate the complexities of their roles with greater proficiency and confidence.⁴ Coaches guide leaders to clarify and achieve their goals with precision and speed, ensuring that these objectives align seamlessly with the organization’s mission.⁴ This partnership enhances a leader’s strategic impact, transforming ambitious goals into tangible achievements.⁴ Furthermore, coaching significantly develops self-awareness and self-regulation, builds confidence, and equips leaders to leverage their inherent strengths to boost performance, productivity, and a more robust outlook and execution on strategic imperatives.⁵

The repeated emphasis on coaching’s role in refining skills, improving decision-making, and achieving goals highlights a deeper function: coaching acts as a catalyst for behavioral change. While training programs can increase productivity by 22%, combining training with coaching elevates this figure to 88%.² This indicates that coaching is not merely about imparting knowledge, but about facilitating the

application of that knowledge through sustained behavioral shifts. For private equity and venture capital firms focused on operational improvements and strategic shifts within portfolio companies, executive coaching is uniquely positioned to ensure that the leadership team not only comprehends new strategies but also executes them effectively through changed behaviors, directly linking to value creation.

Cultivating the “Whole Human”: Resilience and Wellbeing for Sustained Peak Performance

In today’s dynamic business environment, adaptability and resilience are paramount leadership traits. Executive coaching plays a crucial role in helping leaders develop these qualities, enabling them to respond effectively to challenges and setbacks.⁴ It cultivates a growth mindset, encouraging leaders to view obstacles not as impediments, but as opportunities for learning and development.⁴

Central to this holistic development is the concept of mental fitness, which is increasingly recognized as the cornerstone of elite leadership.⁶ Mental fitness empowers leaders to sharpen their focus, remain grounded under pressure, and make confident, informed decisions in high-stakes environments.⁶ Leaders who actively cultivate mental fitness demonstrate enhanced performance in leading teams, driving innovation, and navigating relentless pressures.⁶ Conversely, cognitive fatigue can erode decision-making capabilities and lead to emotional volatility, which can damage organizational culture instantaneously.⁶ Mentally fit executives exhibit improved sleep patterns, greater ease in relaxation, more effective decision-making, and reduced emotional volatility, differences that are readily observed by their teams.⁶

While the immediate benefits of coaching often focus on performance, the emphasis on developing the “whole human,” including outcomes such as adaptability, resilience, and mental fitness, points to a deeper strategic value. In the high-pressure, high-stakes environment of private equity-backed companies, executive burnout, compromised decision-making under stress, or emotional reactivity can lead to severe financial consequences. Investing in executive wellbeing through coaching is therefore a proactive risk mitigation strategy, ensuring leaders possess the stamina and mental clarity required to navigate complex challenges and execute value-creation plans. This approach sees executive wellbeing not as a perk, but as a critical component of leadership effectiveness and aligns directly with a firm’s fiduciary duty to protect and grow assets.

The Ripple Effect: Transforming Teams, Culture, and Organizational Outcomes

The positive impact of executive coaching extends far beyond the individual executive, creating a profound “ripple effect” of positive change throughout the entire organization.⁴ By focusing on the development of communication, delegation, and conflict resolution skills, coaching enables leaders to cultivate a more collaborative and inclusive leadership style, often rooted in principles of servant leadership.⁴ This leads directly to increased team effectiveness, improved morale, and the formation of high-performing units that consistently deliver results.⁴ Teams with high engagement levels experience greater employee wellbeing, productivity, profitability, and sales.⁷

Leaders inherently set the tone for an organization’s culture.⁸ Authentic and respectful leadership influences how employees collaborate and solve problems.⁸ When leaders foster psychological safety – where individuals feel secure enough to share ideas and take risks – it unlocks significant innovation and creativity that benefits the entire organization.⁸ This alignment of organizational goals and values, supported by strong leadership, fosters a sense of shared purpose and direction.⁸

This systemic improvement also has a direct impact on talent retention and organizational stability. Workers in positive organizational cultures are nearly four times more likely to remain with their current employer.⁸ Furthermore, effective leadership development, supported by coaching, can smooth leadership transitions and reduce friction during critical phases like mergers and acquisitions or at the point of exit.⁹ 

I hear frequently from PE sponsors that their most effective portfolio company executives are those who take coaching. Coaching is not merely a personal development tool but a systemic intervention that improves the collective performance and health of the portfolio company. Private equity and venture capital firms should recognize that investing in individual executive coaching is an investment in the entire organization, leading to broad-based improvements in performance, innovation, and retention, all of which directly contribute to increased corporate value.

Quantifying the Return: The Compelling ROI of Executive Coaching

The financial returns on executive coaching are remarkably compelling, underscoring its strategic value as an investment. A Metrix Global study famously reported an impressive 788% return on investment (ROI) for executive coaching, primarily attributed to gains in productivity and employee retention.² Similarly, the International Coaching Federation (ICF) reports that organizations typically see an average return of seven times their initial coaching investment.³

The impact on productivity is particularly noteworthy. While organizations that offer training alone might see a 22% increase in productivity, that figure dramatically rises to 88% when training is combined with coaching.² This suggests that coaching acts as a powerful multiplier on other talent development initiatives.

Beyond productivity, ICF statistics highlight significant performance improvements across various organizational levels: a 70% increase in individual performance (including goal attainment and clearer communication), a 50% increase in team performance (evidenced by improved collaboration), and a 48% increase in overall organizational performance (reflected in increased revenue and employee retention).² The financial benefits of improved retention alone are substantial; for a 500-employee company, a 30% improvement in retention can translate to an annual saving of approximately $1 million, by reducing recruitment, interviewing, and onboarding costs.³

Beyond these quantifiable metrics, coaching positively influences employees in numerous ways, fostering improved engagement, skill development, increased confidence, enhanced self-efficacy, accelerated learning, stronger leadership abilities, improved problem-solving, and greater innovation. The consistently high ROI figures for executive coaching signal that it is a highly efficient use of capital. The synergistic effect observed when coaching is combined with training indicates that coaching acts as a multiplier on other talent development investments. Furthermore, the significant savings from improved retention highlight coaching’s role in mitigating costly human capital risks. For private equity and venture capital firms, executive coaching should be viewed as a prudent, high-return investment that not only directly boosts performance metrics but also enhances the effectiveness of other human capital initiatives and reduces the financial downside of executive turnover. This makes it a strategic de-risking tool within the investment portfolio.

This post has highlighted the compelling financial and strategic advantages of integrating executive coaching into your firm’s value creation strategy. From impressive ROI figures to enhanced human capital performance and reduced turnover, the evidence is clear: executive coaching is a powerful lever for growth. In the next post in this series, “Beyond ROI: A Practical Guide to Implementing Executive Coaching in Your PE Value Creation Playbook,” we will shift our focus to the practical steps for overcoming common barriers that impede executive access to coaching and how to build a robust coaching program into yoru value creation playbook.

Works cited

1. Human Capital ROI: How PE Firms Measure Talent’s Impact on Investment Returns, https://blog.iqtalent.com/human-capital-roi-pe-investment-returns
2. The ROI of Executive Coaching | American University, Washington, DC, https://www.american.edu/provost/ogps/executive-education/executive-coaching/roi-of-executive-coaching.cfm
3. How to Measure the Impact and ROI of Executive Coaching – Velocity Advisory Group, https://www.velocityadvisorygroup.com/measure-roi-of-executive-coaching/
4. 6Benefits of Executive Coaching | Maxwell Leadership, https://www.maxwellleadership.com/blog/benefits-of-executive-coaching/

5. Benefits of Executive Coaching – Feinberg Consulting, Inc.,  https://www.feinbergcare.com/benefits-of-executive-coaching-2/
6. Mental Fitness Is the New Leadership Muscle | Psychology Today Canada, https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sports-and-performance-psychiatry/202507/mental-fitness-is-the-new-leadership-muscle
7. Why investors are looking carefully at “human capital management” | J.P. Morgan Private Bank U.S., https://privatebank.jpmorgan.com/nam/en/services/portfolio-management/sustainable-investing/insights/why-investors-are-looking-carefully-at-human-capital-management
8. Leadership’s Impact on Building Thriving Workplace Cultures – SHRM, https://www.shrm.org/enterprise-solutions/insights/leaderships-impact-on-building-thriving-workplace-cultures
9. Private Equity – Increased focus on Strategic Talent Management for Value Creation, https://www.russellreynolds.com/en/insights/articles/increased-focus-on-strategic-talent-management-for-value-creation

The post The ROI of Executive Coaching in Private Equity appeared first on Derek Pilling.

One of the core tenets infused in our approach to coaching executives and other high-achieving strivers is the Dichotomy of Control, a practice through which we distinguish between what is and isn’t within our control and find radical acceptance for that which is not.

This simple, yet difficult to abide by, practice has broad application in our executive coaching practice because it is fundamental to many aspects of our wellbeing and, therefore, to individual success and flourishing.

ROOTS OF THE DICHOTOMY OF CONTROL

The Dichotomy of Control is most often associated with Stoicism. However, the idea can also be traced to other philosophical schools of thought (including the Buddhist principle of non-attachment), science (positive psychology), and religious practices, including Christianity.

This is truly a case where philosophies, science, and religion reflect each other.

A Philosophical View from Stoicism

In their timeless wisdom, Stoic philosophers understood that outcomes we experience (both positive and negative) are subject to an incalculable number of factors beyond our control.

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus was prolific in speaking to the importance of distinguishing between what is and isn’t in our control. Epictetus went so far as to suggest that the chief task in life is to distinguish between what is and isn’t within our control.

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.“

EPICTETUS

The idea that this is our chief task has a lot of practical wisdom in it if you reflect on how much time, energy, and attention we spend worrying about or ruminating on things that are beyond our control. Knowing the good that can come from practicing the Dichotomy of Control, Epictetus also offered guidance on what is and isn’t within our control.

“Some things are in our control, and others are not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.“

EPICTETUS

The idea of actively guiding our attention based on what is and isn’t within our control is a key principle in Stoicism. By action, the Stoics typically meant choices, our choice to act, to have a thought, to set aside a desire. They referred to the things that are within our control as “Internals”. By contrast, the list of things that are beyond our control (Externals) is much more extensive, covering most things over which we’d like to believe we have more influence.

Although not explicit in Epictetus’ quote above, it is clear that outcomes are not within our control because they are “not our own actions”. This is a key point for strivers, as we have a tendency to think that we have a lot more control over outcomes than we typically do.

As an aside, the Stoics’ narrow view is not an invitation or excuse to be passive or revert to victimhood. Quite the contrary, the Stoics believed we have an obligation to direct our actions virtuously and effectively and understood that it was only in the paradigm of action that we can do good.

A Scientific View from Positive Psychology

Positive psychology embraces the Dichotomy of Control, emphasizing the importance of focusing on what’s within our power to influence while practicing Radical Acceptance for what’s not. 

Research suggests that individuals who actively focus on their controllable aspects of life are more likely to experience flourishing and positive emotions. As with Stoicism, positive psychology encourages us to identify and focus on controllables such as thoughts, actions, beliefs, and responses to external events and to accept what is not within our control, such as the actions/beliefs of others, of others, the weather, or natural disasters. 

In the language of positive psychology, the Dichotomy of Control is a way to shift perspective so that we can develop a healthy relationship with the ups and downs of the experiences and outcomes we encounter in life.

A Religious View from Christianity

Religious practices also speak extensively to distinguishing between what is and isn’t within our control. You may be familiar with the Serenity Prayer, the opening of which appears below:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

SERENITY PRAYER

Perhaps it is no surprise that the Serenity Prayer is a central element of Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12-step program and several other 12-step recovery programs. The prayer is often recited at the end of meetings and is used by many in the program as a daily reminder of their humanity.

APPLICATION OF THE DICHOTOMY OF CONTROL IN EXECUTIVE COACHING

In our coaching work with executives and other high-achieving professionals, we apply the Dichotomy of Control to many of the common challenges experienced by strivers:

• Combating Burnout and Chronic Stress: Strivers shoulder immense pressure and often feel responsible for every outcome. By distinguishing between what we can control (effort, planning, attitude) and what we cannot (outcomes, market conditions, a competitor’s move, perceptions), we shed the weight of worry and dramatically reduce stress and the risk of burnout.
• Overcoming Fear of Failure and Perfectionism: Fear of “failure” can be debilitating for strivers who have tied their self-worth to outcomes. The Dichotomy of Control reframes success as aligning our actions with our values, learning, and persistence, regardless of the result. This frees us to take risks, innovate, and learn from setbacks with healthy indifference to outcomes.
• Mitigating Anxiety and Overwhelm: Strivers manage a significant volume of tasks, decisions, and uncertainties. The DoC provides a mental filter, allowing us to prioritize ruthlessly, thus channeling our focus and energy into what is within our control, rather than dwelling on the uncontrollable.
• Addressing Imposter Syndrome: When strivers seek external validation (wealth, reputation, accolades), imposter syndrome can fester. By focusing on the internal integrity of aligning our actions with our values and our controllable contributions (all controllable), we can build self-compassion and a more robust sense of self-worth that is resilient to external judgment.
• Managing Rumination and Obsessive Thinking: Strivers have a tendency to replay past events or endlessly strategize future outcomes that are uncertain. This rumination or obsessive thinking can be exhausting. By practicing the Dichotomy of Control, we can consciously pivot from unproductive rumination to controllable actions we can take in the present.
• Strengthening Relationships: In personal and professional relationships, strivers often suffer from frustration about others’ choices or reactions. The Dichotomy of Control fosters acceptance of others, enabling us to shift our attention to our own communication, empathy, and boundaries, leading to healthier, less conflict-ridden interactions.

OUTCOMES

We strivers thrive when we embrace the Dichotomy of Control. Whether we approach the matter from the perspective of Stoicism, Positive Psychology, or Spirituality, the wisdom of making the Dichotomy of Control an everyday practice is clear.

Practicing the Dichotomy of Control supports us to focus attention on what is truly within our power to determine, practice Radical Acceptance for what is beyond our control, and identify ourselves with how we align our actions with our values, rather than with our outcomes.

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The landscape of private equity value creation is ever evolving. The era of accessing returns primarily through financial engineering – be it entry/exit multiple arbitrage, aggressive leverage, cost-cutting initiatives, and operational streamlining – is waning. As entry valuations become more and more efficient pricing in the future value of “table stakes” value creation methods, private equity firms are increasingly recognizing that the sustainable path to outsized returns lies in more fundamental approaches.

This shift is taking the form of a rewrite of the human capital section of the value creation playbook, one that emphasizes the strategic development and full utilization of a portfolio company’s most critical asset: its human capacity, rather than its human capital. 

FROM HUMAN CAPITAL TO HUMAN CAPACITY

For an enlightened group of private equity investors I am engaged with, the human capital playbook goes beyond traditional training and leadership development programming and into a more holistic approach to identify and enhance the human capacities of leaders.

Traditional human capital development often views individuals as a collection of skills and competencies to be acquired or refined, primarily to meet specific organizational needs and drive economic productivity. It focuses on training, upskilling, and credentialing to fill defined roles and optimize output. 

In contrast, cultivating human capacity takes a broader, more holistic approach. It delves beyond technical skills to foster intrinsic human potential, including innate psychological resources like resilience, the capacity for positive emotions, and a deep sense of meaning. This perspective aims to unlock an individual’s complete potential, enabling them to adapt, innovate, and thrive across all life domains, unlock the power of character strengths and virtues, leading to more sustainable personal wellbeing and broader organizational flourishing.

HUMAN CAPACITY: THE NEW ALPHA IN PRIVATE EQUITY

In this new paradigm, the executive leadership team is no longer just responsible for setting strategic direction and managing execution; they are the stewards of the culture, the work environment, and the experience of working for the organization, which drives the tone, tenor, and affect of the experience of work. The individual and collective human capacity of the leadership to inspire, guide, compassion (yes, it’s a verb) and lead positively and consciously directly influences:

• Strategic Vision & Execution: The ability to identify new market opportunities, formulate robust growth strategies, and translate them into actionable plans.
• Innovation & Adaptability: Fostering a culture where new ideas flourish, and the organization can pivot effectively in dynamic markets.
• Talent Attraction & Retention: Building a compelling employee experience that attracts and retains top-tier talent is essential for growth.
• Operational Excellence for Growth: Moving beyond mere cost efficiency to optimize processes that scale and support expansion.

STRATEGIES FOR CULTIVATING AND ENHANCING THE HUMAN CAPACITY OF LEADERS

For private equity and venture capital firms looking to unlock this next frontier of value creation, a deliberate and strategic investment in cultivating and enhancing the Human Capacity of Leaders in their portfolio companies is paramount. These practices are applicable whether a firm has a mature value creation team or is just beginning to formalize its approach to human capital:

• Implement Strategic Leadership Assessments: Move beyond traditional competency models to assess leadership capacity for critical growth-oriented behaviors such as psychological safety, resilience, adaptability, and an abundance mindset. These assessments should inform tailored development plans for individual leaders and the executive team as a whole.
• Invest in Comprehensive Executive & Team Coaching: Make formalized coaching programs designed to enhance human capacity available to CEOs and their direct reports. This isn’t merely remedial; it’s about optimizing high performance, enhancing strategic thinking, improving decision-making, increasing self-awareness, and fostering effective team collaboration. Firms can begin with targeted pilot programs for key executives and scale as success is demonstrated.
• Leverage Wellbeing as a Performance Lever: Proactively offer wellbeing-enhancing tools and programs (e.g., stress management, mindfulness training, resilience building, executive wellbeing assessments). Recognizing that leaders operating at peak mental and physical capacity are more innovative, decisive, and capable of navigating the inherent pressures of PE/VC-backed environments, this investment supports their sustained high performance.
• Cultivate Character Strengths and Values Alignment: Support leadership teams in identifying their inherent character strengths (e.g., through assessments like VIA Character Strengths) and actively assessing the alignment between their daily actions and their core values. This moves beyond aspirational statements to ensure leaders are operating authentically, which enhances their impact and fosters trust within the organization.
• Champion Positive Leadership Practices: Introduce portfolio company boards and management teams to programs that support the cultivation of positive leadership behaviors at every level. This includes fostering a positive climate, building high-quality relationships, employing positive communication (including delivering constructive negative feedback), and imbuing work with positive meaning. These practices lead to profound ripple effects in organizations.

THE TANGIBLE RETURNS OF HUMAN CAPACITY INVESTMENTS

As Kim Cameron, the esteemed William Russell Kelly Professor of Management and Organizations at the Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan, states, organizations that optimize their human capacity and are guided by positive leadership can produce “deviantly positive results.”

Measurable returns that directly contribute to fundamental value creation include:

• Accelerated Organic Growth: Enhanced leadership, grounded in well-developed human capacities, drives more effective market penetration, product innovation, and customer engagement, leading to higher revenue growth. Research, including that supported by the VIA Institute on Character, demonstrates that leaders who know their character strengths and proactively work to apply them in their work exhibit higher job performance, increased work engagement, and contribute to more positive organizational outcomes.
• Improved Strategic Execution: Aligned and capable leadership teams, operating with heightened human capacity, execute growth strategies more efficiently and effectively.
• Higher Employee Engagement & Retention: Strong, inspiring leaders, equipped with greater human capacity, foster positive cultures that attract and retain top talent throughout the organization, reducing costly turnover by creating a more meaningful and engaging work experience.
• Enhanced Organizational Resilience: Leaders with well-developed human capacities can navigate economic volatility and market disruptions more effectively, safeguarding and even growing value amidst uncertainty.
• Superior Financial Performance: Ultimately, these factors combine to deliver higher EBITDA, stronger cash flows, and increased enterprise value, translating into superior returns for limited partners.

In an increasingly efficient market where traditional value levers offer diminishing returns, the strategic cultivation of human capacity within portfolio company leadership teams has the potential to become a potent vector for enhancing investment returns. For private equity firms, this isn’t just a progressive idea; it’s the strategic imperative for securing competitive advantage and driving truly sustainable growth.

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