nedprod.com Virtual Diary

Sunday 27th September 2009:

2009-09-27T00:00:00+01:00

Sunday 27th September 2009: 12pm. Heh, what can I write about this entry which is any different from the last entry? A good question to be sure! I've accomplished a few small things: the first is that I have finally, finally, finally finished converting my CV into XML and it is available online here. I have wanted to get that done for oh about five years now because maintaining the Word edition was becoming increasingly annoying over time: any time you applied for a job you'd have to manually cut & paste the bits relevant to the job, and the Gantt chart had to be separately maintained from the main listings. What I really needed was a programmatically controllable CV and that really means a custom XML format with a parametrised XSL transformation to make it present itself as you need for some given purpose. The output also has hResume microformatting so technically speaking the search engines should be able to pick it up.

I wasted a fair few hours trying to get that CV to work right on Internet Explorer - unlike Safari or Chrome, IE actually does spit out "the right thing" but unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to make jQuery accept XHTML in a way which worked (on IE) which oddly enough was an identical problem with my MBS BIS final project. Anyway in the end I gave up - all browsers will happily translate the XML into XHTML, it's just only Opera and Firefox will let the user mess around with the conversion settings. And in the end it is currently only Firefox with the support for CSS3 rotated text, so Firefox alone works perfectly which is a bit sad though all too common.

The other major thing that I have been doing during the last month is a contract with Applied Research Associates for work on my memory allocator nedmalloc which now is pretty much complete and is worth a good few bob to my company which is great as it's seriously in debt - as indeed am I. The RoIP contract came through too which will no doubt occupy much of next week, and I have also been working on a critical pedagogy for numerate social science subjects which currently looks like this:

The theory goes that students completing the above would be much better placed to not repeat the mistakes made during the recent credit crunch and indeed before that, the Enron and other accounting/consulting related lapses in morality. My hope is that we might be able to collaboratively develop this into something serious though of course it would be highly unlikely to go anywhere without a serious bandwagon effect. Anyway, we'll see.

The plan still holds to make a start on that "synopses of Nobel prize winning papers" book after the RoIP contract is done using all my work on deepereconomics.org to good effect, and then after that to start my PhD thesis. Meanwhile Megan has begun her OU Masters in Education course, and she has her next driving test this coming Friday. I also must start getting more exercise - I have exceeded eleven stone and I am definitely becoming fat which needs to be fixed, not least that fluid keeps building in my lungs due to lack of breathing fresh air - however, after these two contracts and hopefully the imminent payout of welfare after oh, like four months now, we should be financially secure until 2010 so I can finally relax. Be happy!

Monday 31st August 2009:

2009-08-31T00:00:00+01:00

Monday 31st August 2009: 10.25pm. Well the summer is almost over - Dad comes back from his holidays on Thursday which is the usual signifier of being back to work, and the weather is definitely becoming much cooler - I had to turn on the heating a few days ago because it was getting too nippy even under a blanket.

This month, much like last month and the month before it, has once again very little evidence to show for its passing. I have my ZEO cluster running as you can see if you like on deepereconomics.org or lowenddedi.net though in fact at the present time it actually consists of just one lonely and very puny Celeron D processor until the tax office return from their holidays and give me my VAT number. I have finally got the latter site up and running despite having languished for such a long time - I bought the domain itself maybe two months ago, but it needed some custom Zope datatype programming and teaching myself how to do that swallowed a week just on its own. Meanwhile, very, very, very slowly, deepereconomics.org is finally at a point where I can start adding some content as I have nailed one pernicious bug after another.

Once again I wonder where the hell all the time went - how can one invest ten to twelve hours a day every day and get almost nowhere after two months? I was even getting up early as Megan got herself a summer job teaching English to foreign kids so I was dropping her in early and collecting her fairly late. I haven't had the time to release TnFOX as I usually do each summer, and the Radio over IP work I did in July was done before even the last entry. Furthermore I didn't need to drive Megan to and from Mallow daily anymore as she failed her test so that yielded even more free time. I am also very sure that I have been pushing myself hard because my mouth ulcer opened itself up again, and that only happens when I'm getting very run down - moreover, I do feel knackered and I do know I keep forcing myself to work just that extra hour or two per day. I almost wonder if I should start keeping a time and motion study!

At this present time it seems unlikely that Megan has obtained a teaching job, and the TEFL one has ended so she has a lot of free time on her hands. She has a her visa application to make, and I suppose she needs to start thinking of non-teaching jobs and activities which make her the network of contacts requisite for getting a teaching job such as voluntary work and interacting with the teaching unions. She also needs a slew of further qualifications unfortunately, but it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and even a Masters is fairly worthless nowadays. You just gotta have that PhD.

Speaking of which, I will almost certainly write that crib book for Economics students first and after begin writing my PhD with an intent to submit it for PhD by Publication which a few of the UK universities nowadays offer. I am hoping to have it done by Summer 2010 though if I keep up this low level of accomplishment then it'll probably be Summer 2011 at this rate. Once I have the PhD, many opportunities open themselves not least the possibility of a US work visa.

So that's the plan. If we're ever going to make any sort of progress in life like getting married or having children then we gotta get some money from somewhere. Money sucks and the system stinks, but time is running out before oil and food starts to seriously rise in price - hence all those governments buying up agricultural land recently. And then the shit will really hit the fan. Be happy!

Friday 25th July 2008:

2008-07-25T00:00:00+01:00

Friday 25th July 2008: 7.47pm. One month of summer break down, one month to go before I move back to Ireland with Megan! I was rejected from my PhD application today so it'll definitely be a Masters next year, still not sure which because most of UCC is on holiday so there is no progress. I suppose admittedly the closing date for Masters applications isn't until the 1st August.

I was ill for one week of this month so I lost valuable writing time, on the other hand it broke 50,000 words about a week ago which is over 150 (book) pages. Writing speed has sped right up now I'm no longer talking in terms of science, on good days I even generate about ten pages though usually I need to refine them for an hour or two next morning. It may actually be mostly done by September.

I got pissed off with that NAS box, those cheap boxes are too CPU underpowered so I sold it on eBay and just took the hit of £30. To replace it, I bought a dumb USB enclosure but got one with two bays (it's a Raidsonic Icy Box) with hot swap so you could theoretically just swap between lots of hard drives containing all your stuff. I got round to copying stuff onto the 1Tb hard drive - amazingly, everything I have ever burned to CD and DVD throughout my entire life of downloading amounted to just 660Gb with a further 200Gb on the Tivo and my desktop's hard drive. The Icy Box now has about 350Gb used - it'll last years before it's full, then I'll just slap in a second 2Tb or even 4Tb drive. It's a very nice enclosure actually, the hot swap really adds value, but then it should be given it cost £45.

I also upgraded the Tivo (which I originally built for Johanna about a year ago out of spare parts off eBay). It had originally been a year 2000 1Ghz Pentium III Compaq Deskpro EN Small Form Factor which to be honest did very well for such ancient technology, especially with an added PCI video card and USB2 expansion card though the IcyBox USB controller wouldn't play nice with the USB2 expansion card so we were stuck with shitty (but useable) USB1 speeds. In particular, that Compaq was very quiet and used very little juice, only 40W. However, I wanted something which could play hidef 720p h264 format video so we could watch Planet Earth in hires and surround sound, and finally the Intel Atom based D945GCLF uber-cheap motherboard became cheaply available in the UK at only £37. Coupled with a 2Gb RAM stick for £20 and a cheap slimline Foxconn desktop case + quiet PSU for £30, I had me a much improved Tivo box & central server for £100 delivered. I literally transplanted the Linux installation as-is by moving the hard drive over - Linux just booted and worked, except much faster - something which would have been impossible with the previous model, the D201GLY2 which really wasn't Intel based at all (it had a SiS chipset which doesn't play video well on Linux). I've put the old Compaq and video card on ebay, I should get £50-60 for them so it's only £40 spent for a significant upgrade.

I've also ordered a mini-laptop which is called an Advent 4211. In reality, it's actually a rebadged MSI Wind PC, also with Atom processor and with 2Gb of RAM it cost just £270 delivered. I'll probably hack a copy of Apple Mac OS X onto it. Chances are that next year I'll be spending an awful lot of time stuck in UCC in between lectures as we currently can't afford to run a car, so I might as well have something useful to keep me semi-occupied and maybe write some more stuff hopefully for money.

So that's about that roughly. One month of St. Andrews left to go. How interesting! Be happy!

Monday 30th June 2008:

2008-06-30T00:00:00+01:00

Monday 30th June 2008: 6.51pm. Graduation was last week, the Leaving Ball last Friday and as of today, the last of my close friends departs for good with the exception of Johanna who will depart in August. In a soundbite, it's definitely finally all over. What a four years it has been ...

I spent about two weeks after the last entry releasing TnFOX which I try to do once a year as a minimum - this keeps it up to date and fixes any bugs which updated software components might introduce (especially on Linux). The subsequent week I added just 5,000 words to the book, but then much of that was research and crunching various maths. The entire of the last week went on graduation - I didn't even turn on the computer in five days because I was so busy going to various people's graduation dinners and meeting up with all sorts of friends I'm not going to see again for a long while. Even yesterday, I got up at 8.30am so go see off a friend despite having been awake with another friend till 4am Saturday night - so really it has only been this morning that I got a proper lie in and feel up to writing something. And the first thing then was replying to emails and ordering final degree letters etc. for Masters applications - these have taken up most of today.

I've also got through quite a few mini-projects so apart from my NAS box project (looks like I'll have to do my own custom ARM Linux build), I have a clear run for book writing next few months. And other than that, there is not a lot to report.

So it's a short entry then. I had thought I'd have plenty more to say, but to be honest, it's all water under the bridge now - what has happened is done & gone, what matters now is what comes next. Hey, I am released from my St. Andrews obligation! I feel free & relieved! Be happy!

Saturday 31st May 2008:

2008-05-31T00:00:00+01:00

Saturday 31st May 2008: 2.37am. Nuttily enough, I finished exams five days ago now - not that it quite seems that way despite that quite a lot has happened since then - and well, now there is definitely & absolutely no doubt that I'm done! It's been an interesting month - little bits done here & there, even was in the Student's Association last night for the last night of term which was lacklustre - a lot of people just seemed to not be there probably having already gone home.

As it's the 1st of June tomorrow (today now really), a LOT of people's contracts are up and so many students are spending this weekend cleaning, scrubbing and packing. Megan's house kicks out on Monday so she'll be moving in with me and Johanna for the summer and of course halls of residence closed today. This year due to how the weekdays have fallen there has been much less time than usual between end of exams and contracts running out - many people have spoken of feeling very rushed this year. Many others have spoken of their disappointment with how St. Andrews wound down.

I must echo those sentiments too. I had had high hopes only one month ago that people would put aside their bullshit and petty grudges and would just relax these last few weeks, enjoying the company of the people they have spent four long years with before the inevitable moving on. This is what happened end of Hull - we spent two lovely weeks basking in sunshine with our wider friend group - indeed, the Lawns didn't even kick us out of halls for was it three or four days after we were supposed to leave. We spent it relaxing, chatting, throwing frisbee, going for long walks and smoking a lot of weed. It was absolutely wonderful.

St. Andrews too has had the gorgeous weather these last two weeks. But I certainly wouldn't say most have been relishing one another's time together as water was put under the bridge and hatchets buried. No, if anything, people have been far more ugly & petty than I have ever seen them - it's like now they don't have to worry about repercussions, so they can be truly horrible to people. Rather than give up their grudges, they have given up on holding them back out of politeness' sake - I even had I- snarling spitefully at me a few days ago as she spat out about how little I must obviously know and understand her. She really is utterly miserable.

S- is somewhat better of late. She has a much improved attitude - less bombast, much more humble. She's much more pleasant to be around though terribly lonely as she has pretty much alienated everyone who knows her during the past two years. Both of the two of them have come off very badly from the events of precisely one year ago - the only participant who definitely has benefited is Megan. I probably have benefited too - it's been a solitary year for me, I have barely seen anyone outside the very immediate circle, but I have never felt lonely and I feel pretty happy with life.

The other thing I have noticed is that people seem really glad to be leaving here - their displays of loss & grief are far more out of fear of what is to come than any anticipation of missing people here. Is it just a delayed reaction perhaps out of denial or perhaps because no one bothers with particularly deep emotional connections here? Perhaps it's a mix. But I still get a sense that most here don't really have any deep connections with anyone else at all. Megan's lot have it good in this respect at least - they have suffered greatly together, and it has forged deep emotional connections despite themselves. Most of those in my class or friends of friends just don't seem to be too bothered really - they make a good show, but it's obviously surface deep. Just like most of St. Andrews - it's all about how it looks, not what it is.

It's all very silly really. I often laugh at it. However, my book (of which I have already written about 15,000 words) will be quite serious about the matter indeed because human beings shouldn't treat one another so. And the university will be most upset with what I say, most upset with me indeed. At least they'll come off better than Trinity College Dublin - I'll need to be careful there lest I get sued

Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to go to bed. Oh HAPPY BIRTHDAY to this virtual diary which is now ten whole years old - yes, me and Kathryn broke up just over ten years ago now. That's some thought isn't it - I started this virtual diary back before the term 'blog' had been invented and here I am still at it - and reading my entries of May 1998 I am struck simultaneously by both how identical and how utterly improved & different I am today. The odd thing is that I am a more refined form of a more extreme version of my 1998 self - which is just plain weird, but I think fairly accurate. Despite that I was just banging on in this entry about precisely the same topics of this month ten years ago, I may occasionally even still have something interesting to say if not particularly fresh nor original! Ha! Anyway, good night everyone, and be happy!

Wednesday 30th April 2008:

2008-04-30T00:00:00+01:00

Wednesday 30th April 2008: 1pm exactly. I am, as of yesterday, now done with university at St. Andrews as I handed in my dissertation yay! It's quite a thought to think that I am now coming to the end of what I began well over five years ago now - I just got a book to spit out, and this cycle will have been completed. My dissertation is on modelling the costs of climate change - unlike most Economic treatises on the matter, mine is actually based on scientific evidence which makes it rather different - and I have an awful lot of good stuff in there (having once again leached most of it off my notes for my book).

It's been so busy since the last entry. Myself and Megan went to Ireland which was great as she secured a teaching practice place in a school - now that she's completely sorted, it comes down to myself finding somewhere. Dad wants us to finish renovating the last of the house in exchange for us living there rent free which Megan seems very happy about. All in all, things to do with what we're going to do next are looking very good at present - only a month ago, the total lack of security was really beginning to annoy. Oh, and while we were very busy in Ireland (up early, bed late), we did get to eat very well whilst there - it was expensive, but that seafood lasagne we ate in that restaurant off McCurtain Street will definitely stick in our memories for a while.

Since we got back, I immediately had to dive into a four thousand worder on Risk in the Creative Industries - as with all the coursework I have handed in for that module, for the first time since first year I am free to write what I want as it makes no difference to my degree grade, so I wrote a thermodynamic treatise on the matter which is probably unintelligible to almost everyone . I managed to write that in three days which is very good going - I wrote the dissertation which stands at nearly 17,000 words in precisely eight days, with no starting research despite the sixty or so referenced peer reviewed research papers (all of which I actually read fully this time), which has got to be some sort of record. Unfortunately, the word count was supposed to by 8,000 so I more than doubled it and I'll probably get penalised for that - but no matter, once again I wasn't doing it for the grade.

And to be honest, those two have eaten up most of the last three weeks. Of course, there was added drama - I was trying to frobnicate the hard drive settings on this computer that Saturday and through the simple changing of a BIOS setting managed to hose my entire partition table plus the first partition - a problem not least that my dissertation was stored there. That took an entire day to fix. There also have been various people freaking out and getting themselves into sticky situations as they wont to do this time of year, but I was flexible, and I bent with changing events though I must admit that the end of that dissertation is more rushed than I would have preferred.

So what happens now? Well, I got a nice long list of things to tick off which I've been keeping for now (one of which was to write this entry). I have another long list of stuff for when I get money in as once again I am at my overdraft limit thanks to going to Ireland yanking £180 off my monthly income - but Virgin have very nicely given me a credit card at 6.7% APR for life which is far better than a bank loan, so even though it's only got a £500 limit, that's gold dust to me right now (you'll never find such a cheap rate normally - use google, there's a magic link to follow which activates the drop from 16.7% to 6.7%). Obviously, I'd really rather like to get my book going - I have very much enjoyed writing these essays even though the time pressure sucks monkey balls as you have to submit them "good enough" instead of perfect.

I think Johanna has nearly finished cooking fish for our lunch, so time to go! I feel bloody elated that this degree is over, now come the fun times until the end of summer. Of course, it will be sad to say goodbye to so many - and for most, it will be forever, and even most of the remainder you'll never hear from them again after three years as I learned from Hull. But we still have a summer left - and St. Andrews is very pretty in the summer - as I'm sure you'll be hearing about on here. Be happy everyone!

Tuesday 18th March 2008:

2008-03-18T00:00:00+00:00

Tuesday 18th March 2008: 4.17am. As you have probably barely noticed, I have been busy "monetising" my website during the past month - the summary of which you can find on a new page "How to Monetise your Website". Lest you think me in terribly bad form given that nedprod hasn't had adverts previously, in fact back in 1998 when this site was first launched it had adverts almost from the start. Do you fancy seeing nedprod back then? Here's nedprod.com back on the 2nd December 1998! - as you'll see, not a great deal has changed - the site still looks quite similar, maybe not quite so polished, and yes there is the adverts at the top.

Back then in fact it was dead easy to have ActiveX controls run in Internet Explorer, and it was trivial to write a control which loaded on every nedprod page one visited. This control then went off and pretended to click on banners for a whole host of advertisers which obviously enough earned a person some cash. I never got much out of it - too few people visited the site back then - and also US dollar cheques were an absolute pain to work with. Nowadays the situation has at least improved that Paypal don't fuck non-US citizens over quite so quickly as they used to - I remember some ignorant Paypal fuck wit telling me that European banking systems were highly insecure and therefore they were going to impound my Paypal bank balance - I forget precisely why, but this guy was absolutely adamant that European banks were so unsafe that drastic treatment of myself was absolutely necessary. I pointed out that Switzerland was world renowned for strict banking laws, to which Paypal knob jockey actually claimed that Switzerland wasn't part of the practically "third world" European banking system. They're a lot nicer now to non-US citizens, but that's only because still competition from the likes of Moneybookers scared them. They still charge twice the fees for foreign currency conversions than anyone else - and far more than if your own bank did it for you despite that most banks would torture their own mothers to gain an extra penny (witness the recent subprime fiasco - and yet more taxpayers money bailing out the banking system - again!). I have absolutely no love for that company - they are just evil, even more so than banks.

Things have trundled along fairly okay last month or so. I've had two major fights with Megan, which is about par for the course, and all is currently generally well. I got one of the lads' stags in Budapest next weekend which has been very, very expensive but the recent sharp rise of the Euro against Sterling has made me well over £100 richer a month which is a rise of 40% in my disposable income - which literally feels like I have become vastly richer, as I only had about £250 a month left over after rent and bills. A lot of money has gone out recently - I bought a cheap Chinese knock off Holox BT-541 Bluetooth GPS receiver for £25 inc P&P and have been having much fun watching myself walking in real time on a hires satellite photo on my mobile phone which I stole from Google Maps using a perl script. It's actually a much better GPS receiver than its price suggests - it's a cheap implementation of the SkyTraq Venus 6 chipset which is very highly regarded by professionals and it happily keeps a eight satellite signal lock whilst in my pocket inside my house on the ground floor! That, quite simply, wasn't possible even three years ago with a GPS receiver costing thousands even military spec - and I contracted on missile guidance systems back in the 90's. I bet my father would be annoyed given all the money he's sunk on those fancy receivers he has. It's also very accurate, pretty close to 0.5m and it certainly knows when I cross the road on the tracking software. My only annoyance is that there's about a four second lag between me changing direction and it noticing - and of course its altitude tracking isn't reliably much better than a 300m resolution. The new European GPS replacement will fix these issues and then some - I hear it'll do 1cm accuracy!

My other big expense apart from the GPS receiver and the stag was finally acquiring a copy of the extremely rare The Self Organising Universe by Eric Jantsch. It cost me over £50, but that was a bargain given they usually go for over £100. I sadly haven't had time to read it yet - spent much of last week writing a PI generator using the ingenious Bailey-Borwein-Plouffe algorithm which was for my Masters application in High Performance Computing to Edinburgh University - the BBP formula lets you calculate any digit in PI you like without having to calculate any of the preceding ones. This week it's mostly been course readings for Creative Industries - you can see my latest coursework submissions here - and I have also been reading the highly depressing and famous Limits to Growth - the 30 year update for my dissertation which is on the topic of modelling the costs of climate change. Speaking of which, I have changed the subtitle of my upcoming book to Freeing Growth: A Neo-Capitalist Solution to Environmental Degradation and Social Ills as climate change is an inductive conclusion, whereas absolutely no one can pretend we aren't causing the next mass extinction of life on this planet as I type this. Here are the big (>20%) mass extinctions during the last billion years of planetary history that we know of:

? @ 850m-630m	49% @ 488m	49% @ 447m-444m	70% @ 380m-360m	70%-96% @ 251.4m	20% @ 200m	55% @ 65m
Glaciated Earth?	Cambrian-Ordovician	Ordovician-Silurian	Late Devonian	Permian–Triassic	Triassic-Jurassic	Cretaceous–Tertiary

We're now into our eighth mass extinction in the sense that we have already passed 20% extinct - what they like to call the Holocene mass extinction. If we're sensible, it would be a good idea to try to avoid the worst of it while we still can. BTW, when I say that say "70% of all life died out", I more mean species not numbers of incarnations of those species - the latter fluctuates rapidly over time with little effect for the planet.

Anyway, it's now 6am so I'm going to go to bed as I gotta get up early and get the next creative industries seminar done ...

Later that morning at 12.42pm ... God I feel like a pig has shat in my brain - despite no alcohol consumption last night! I've worked hard last few days, trying to clear stuff for the stag this weekend and while I'm drinking this wonderful Honduran coffee, I'll finish what I began last night before I got distracted reading about mass extinctions, because I was going somewhere with it.

We know that glaciation (ice ages) are actually times of great vitality for the planet - though due to lack of hard evidence, it's very tough to know whether the 850m-630m very long glaciation was as severe as the rock evidence suggests - we do know that life in the seas was pretty good at least around the equator, so I'm going to assume that as with all ice ages, it was pretty fantastic to be alive even all that time ago. I know that's not common wisdom, but as I have mentioned in this diary before that has far more to do with our cultural preconceptions about cold than scientific reality. After all, it's not by accident that most extinctions happen right after an ice age when the planet is warming - and not before - because the amount of life on the planet shoots up massively the colder it gets, so it has to die off the warmer it gets. There are about 40% less in quantity now since the end of the last ice age 10,000 years ago! - but as just mentioned, it's the number of extinct species not incarnations of those species that matters.

If all that quantity dies off, then that means there is a lot of stress inside the system - certainly the most evolutionary change happens right after a great loss of quantity, so you tend to get explosions of new forms of life after glaciations for whom life is very easy because all the competition got killed off (eg; the post-glaciation Cambrian explosion at around 588m when something other than complex slime first evolved). One sits on the exponentially rising early part of the sigmoid curve and things are good - after all, that's how homo sapiens evolved. Interestingly, as my upcoming book shows, that exponentially rising part is also the beginning of falling in love - and even more interestingly, continually finding new curves to rise up is how one stays in love, with a single failure quite sufficient to break the system. Having realised this, and to some extent mastered it, is why I have been so blessed with being in love with quite a few women here in St. Andrews who, feeling the same in return, have looked after me and made my life very much worth living these last few months. I am extremely grateful!

If I get time next entry, I'd like to talk about how cooling = usually good and warming = usually bad translates into financial systems, specifically how we arrived at our current sub-prime liquidity problems. I'd like especially to talk about how money doesn't actually exist and never has done.

It's 1.30pm ... ok .... stupid seminar time, this time on Intellectual Property which I am looking forward to proposing a complete replacement thereof in my upcoming book. Y'all be happy!

Monday 24th March 2008:

2008-03-24T00:00:00+00:00

Monday 24th March 2008: 6.53pm. Got back from the stag in Budapest yesterday and am slowly recovering today. I was so tired yesterday after the previous week so lacking in sleep that I was hallucinating quite profoundly - which certainly made the trip rather interesting!

I promised myself I wouldn't do any coursework today in order to give myself some rest. However, I wanted to continue the previous entry especially with the collapse of Bear Stearns last week - a classic, and very typical, example of how evil banks truly are - though, I must strongly add that Bear Stearns itself was hardly that evil and if anything, the fact it collapsed was precisely because it wasn't being evil enough. Before I begin, I use the term "bank" in a far wider sense than just the ones on the high street - I include investment houses, insurance companies, pension funds and private equity firms, and I even include the extremely wealthy (both individuals and corporations) who have always behaved a little like a bank by lending out money and investing in new enterprises. While I could use the term "investor" here, there is a huge difference between an investor off the street and these institutional investors.

Banks, since through their greed they partially caused the Great Depression in 1929 which let loose both Fascism and Socialism in the West, have ever since become partially protected entities by government - and thus in some ways, they have become a semi-official arm of government at the same time as governments have become semi-official arms of banks. I should explain that, because it's hardly a conventional viewpoint:- since well before the Roman empire, banks have bailed out governments with loans for wars and when the economy turns sour instead of raising taxes. However, since certainly the late 1970's, and many would say since colonial times, they have also told governments what to do and if governments don't comply, they are punished for it. Traditionally, governments were able to prevent banks having too much power by restricting capital movements, but with the advent of globalisation and instantaneous capital transfers, banks can both invest and withdraw vast amounts of capital in a very short time for almost no cost. Should a government be judged to not be behaving "well", its currency can be devalued, its industry starved of investment AND revenues and mass protest on the streets invoked.

However, there is a flip side. Banks compete with one another for profit, so when there is a boom they have a very nasty tendency of making ever increasingly unwise investments (this is called a "speculative bubble"). These seem wise at the time because when your colleagues do something, it becomes "normal" and more importantly, financial markets have always worked on a herd principle - and you can make a LOT of money by anticipating a herd movement and making an early investment. The problem is when the "correction" happens - when markets return to fundamentals, those last to react by yanking their money fail much like musical chairs.

Two banks who were very highly regarded in the last few years were Bear Stearns in the US and Northern Rock in the UK. They were so highly regarded because they were at the vanguard of the use of "structured investment" which is a variation by the way of the thing that caused Enron to collapse. Everyone you see had decided that Enron's managers were corrupt because "they had used structured investment to hide massive operating losses" - however, as is becoming severely clear of late, it is structured investment itself that is the cause of this problem. But I'll come back to that in a minute.

As with Bear Stearns and Northern Rock in Britain, taxpayers money to the tune of billions has been used to bail out failure in banks - that means less schools, hospitals and public services or higher taxes in return for keeping them afloat. This is a problem economics calls "moral hazard" because unlike in most industries, failure for any large bank in the financial industry since 1929 costs the taxpayer and not the bank itself - which therefore means that investors using banks (NOT the investors in the banks themselves) can happily egg on their bank to take obscene risks for obscene profits knowing that taxpayers will bail out failure.

In fairness, the industry itself tends to absorb its aborted own using government finance to prop itself up, and the government debt eventually gets repaid during the next obscene profits stage - not that, might I add, government sees any of that at all, they just get back their bonds (the loan) with interest repaid rather than getting a slice of the total profits made from their investment. Therefore, what is really happening here is that government (ie; taxpayers) insures banks against failure - government takes on the risk, while investors get all the profits. Thus the whole affair becomes a virtuous circle - government needs banks to prop up budget deficits through loans, while banks need government to bail them out every time they become too exuberant & greedy. Hence they effectively become convenient arms of one another - and each can "blame" the other to the taxpayers for when taxpayers lose out.

One can clearly see here that effectively the financial industry receives a massive public subsidy from the taxpayer, because these failures happen fairly frequently (roughly every seven years on average) and when they do, they are very expensive. How expensive might you ask? Well, you have to remember something very important - money doesn't exist ie; the value of money changes very rapidly indeed, especially in the modern world - and it changes FAR QUICKER than the book keeping shows because the accountants, working in retrospect, average it all out.

What do I mean by that? Well, why do these banks fail? The share price of Bear Stearns was trading at $93 a share only last month - it was swallowed by JP Morgan this month for just $2 a share. That in itself didn't wreck the company - almost all companies (and individuals actually!) fail for one reason alone - it's not the lack of money, it's the lack of cash flow ie; the lack of timely money. For example, if you want to move house, you need some extra money to pay for legal fees, time off work to look for new houses etc. - in other words, to effect change requires spending some money. Even if the house you're buying costs 25% of the house you're selling (so you'd have 75% of your current house's value in cash after the sale), if you have no money right now for those transaction fees then you are absolutely stuck. The nice, big, expensive house you currently own is worth nothing to you right now because you can't "liquidate" its value.

This is what is called "liquidity" in economics - the ability to convert some holding to cash. When the government bails out financial markets it is technically referred to as "pumping in liquidity" which simply means that government makes up some extra money and loans it to others, thus giving those others enough cash flow that they have time to sell off their big assets. Some of you might be exclaiming "the government 'makes up' some extra money"? Well yes - because governments at any time can literally print off as much money as they like, or gather in & burn as much of it as they like. At any stage they literally can decide "I had £100m. Now I have £200m" by literally pressing a few buttons on a computer keyboard.

So why doesn't the government just print off £1000 and give it to each of us? Unfortunately, if governments print too much money, inflation goes up ie; prices start rising, and your shiny new £1000 becomes rapidly worthless. That's what happened in the 1970's - a series of socialist governments tried just printing new money and giving it to poor people, and promptly money lost its value leading to all those riots and strikes. As the government currently bails out banks, we risk exactly the same problem - which is why just recently inflation has been rapidly shooting up with it well exceeding 4% in the US when bailouts have been running the highest.

Now we can see just how expensive bank failure is to the public - when banks fail, liquidity becomes very severely constrained indeed - in fact, it's why government has to step in with freshly printed liquidity because none of the other banks will loan any of its colleagues money. Why? Because of those unwise investments I mentioned earlier - when it becomes clear to everyone just how unwise those investments were, all the banks (quite correctly) lose trust in one another. One gets a vicious circle because cash flows become so constrained that failure sets in, then there is even more distrust that your banks are lying to you about how badly damaged their cash flow is by their unwise investments.

You have to bear in mind that in a large & complex organisation that no one can tell what the current cash flow is actually like. You can get some idea of what it was in the past - this is precisely what accountants are for - but it's next to impossible to know right this minute. Thus when sentiment turns bad, there is a suspicion of distrust that is very tough to break. Hence breaking it is very costly, because when the government loans that money, it is worth vastly more at the time than its face value - because put simply, you couldn't get that extra liquidity from anyone else at any price. Of course, none of this ever factors into balance sheets or official reports - but failure to inject liquidity in 1929 cost tens, maybe hundreds of trillions of dollars at today's prices given the whole world war that resulted.

I should quickly add here that inflation is actually the transfer of wealth from everyone in society to the government - it's literally a tax on everything. So therefore a 2% inflation rate means the transfer of 2% of ALL money's value to the government. Of course, the government sees almost none of that since the 1970's - most goes to the banks actually as they are the largest borrowers of freshly printed money, which is one of the reasons that the financial sector has been booming the last thirty years - and the rest goes to commodity producers, of which during the last thirty years it's mostly been to oil producers like Saudi Arabia. Even better, inflation is payback for past taxation ie; if you print extra money now you don't have to pay for it via inflation at least till a year later - equally if you stop printing extra money now, it takes at least a year for inflation to stop. As you can probably imagine, this is a horrendous temptation for governments especially running up to an election - which is why in the late 1970's, control over liquidity was given away by governments to central banks eg; the Federal Reserve in the US. They you see being bankers have simply handed out the inflation tax to their colleagues in payment for keeping inflation low.

So far so good? Banks make obscene profits during boom, some collapse during busts, the bigger of these get bailed out by government who steal off the entire of society by increasing later inflation in order to bail them out. That is literally a massive hidden tax - the US economy is worth $16 trillion in 2007, so when inflation rises from 1.8% to 4% in one year as it has in the US you can see that an additional $350 billion dollars has been reallocated from society to banks and commodity producers, and that was between a year to two years ago - we won't see the effects of the most recent bailouts for another year to eighteen months. Not all of that went to bailing out banks or to oil producers - quite a lot went to other commodity producers as we are running out of water, grain, meat, metals, gas and indeed all forms of energy or materials.

Ok, enough for tonight as I gotta go see Megan. I'll continue tomorrow - be happy!

Tuesday 25th March 2008:

2008-03-25T00:00:00+00:00

Tuesday 25th March 2008: 1.51pm. Bleh I feel groggy! After coming back from a lovely time at Megan's where she cooked me lobster, I sat up smoking sheesha and reading the Economist which had just arrived. I was really rather glad to see they were writing about exactly what I had been writing about here, except that they were also calling for severe & swift disciplinary measures to be taken with implications of dealing with bank CEO's much as Enron's were - by hauling them out in handcuffs.

That I think unfair - they, like Enron's top brass, had very little choice in their behaviour. They are also being scapegoated because every single fucker in the entire community is guilty as sin of doing exactly the same, and they want sacrificial lambs quickly executed to deflect any possibility that the entire edifice may be called into question. And that, oddly enough, is exactly what I want to talk about next - why and how the hell all this came to be in the first place, and what should replace it? And what the hell does any of this have to do with biosphere warming and cooling with regard to biodiversity as mentioned in the entry before the last one?

I went through last entry about how the financial system works, how there are booms & busts and how both governments and banks form a virtuous circle which bails the other out of trouble by basically sucking wealth out of society. These are all very powerful people, and what I have just written about is rare to find printed - I hear that books by George Soros cover very similar ground. However don't get me wrong - all hierarchies involve a transfer of wealth from poor to rich, that's the privilege of leading one's populace, and it has been a consistent feature of all civilisations - so I have no moral problem per se that governments and banks conspire together to vampire off society. What I do have a problem with is the extent to which they try to hide their behaviour - see Confessions of an Economic Hitman by John Perkins - which they only let him publish well after the events in question.

I should also add that I have no problem per se either with important institutions being bailed out and the costs of their failure being taken on by society - in fact, as my upcoming book Freeing Growth shows, the single most important character of Western civilisation which has enabled its greatness is how well it handles failure. In most societies eg; eastern ones, failure is shameful and it is covered up, denied and not accepted - which in large part has led to the malaise in Japan in the past decade as bad loans haven't been written off. A similar problem currently faces China which has been financing much of its recent growth with negative real interest rate loans, which should they go bad, the Chinese mentality will try to hide rather than expose. A similar affliction has made Africa as bad as it is today - as I point out in my book, Winston Churchill was incompetent in his stint at the Admiralty in the first world war and directly killed tens of thousands of British servicemen with his ineptitude - yet he learned his weakness, so during World War Two he knew to delegate as much as possible to more competent others and had the lowest workload of any prime minister in nearly two hundred years. He was much better at being a charismatic leader than managing - yet had he been permanently blacklisted, Britain may well have lost WW2 without him. As I strongly reiterate in my book, failure and failing well is FAR more important than succeeding - and this is exactly opposite the logical positivist tradition of the West which tends to only see what happens rather than what was avoided.

This brings me to the topic of avoiding risk - and this one single topic has more than anything defined the modern world. Ignoring the vast realms of protective legislation (safety laws and such), financial economics in essence simplifies investment into "how best to externalise risk" ie; to shift risk to oneself onto someone else. I won't go into the mechanics of it - read about the CAPM if you'd like to know. In essence, you spread your investments between risky ones and less risky ones in order to maximise your total return for the least amount of risk - and one of the major assumptions of financial economics (like all economics) is that the market is infinitely large relative to any single investor, and therefore can receive infinite amounts of risk.

That works fine when a majority of investors aren't actively also trying to externalise their risk which until the 1980's was probably true. Thus the majority of investors were risk sinks and the risk sources could happily dump as much risk into them as they liked. Let me explain by an example: say you're a farmer who needs a minimum income next harvest of £10,000 otherwise you'll go bust. Now the weather is variable, sometimes you get a bumper harvest (say worth £20,000) but other times you might not (say £5,000). If you absolutely need that £10,000 as an absolute minimum, you can take out an insurance policy costing £5,000 which will guarantee that you'll get £15,000 no matter whether there is a bumper harvest or not. If there is a bumper harvest, the insurer gets £10,000 in profit, if not he loses £10,000.

What's just happened is that the farmer has externalised his risk. He, the risk source, has sold on his risk to another. We all do this every day with home insurance, and absolutely can one take out insurance on stock price movements. This can all get very complicated - one can take out an insurance contract (called a derivative, or future) on say if the price of X exceeds Y for longer than time Z but not if the price of A is lower than B at some other time C. This is what is called structured finance and the theory behind it is that you can plan for worst contingencies with the least loss in profits. This ability became fully legal in the 1980's, and has boomed since. Why?

It all has to do with balance sheets prepared by accountants to show profit & losses you see. There is a very thorny topic in accounting called "cost accounting" which is simply "how do you estimate the value of something" - believe it or not, many, if not most, costs are unknowable because their value is unknowable. As I showed last entry, the value of money oscillates vastly over very short periods of time and no one even realises it - which presents a horrendous problem for trying to present a realistic picture of how well a company is doing. Remember, if cash flow drops too low, all those buildings and factories become unsellable and thus become worthless overnight. Think of the example of that farm - he needs a minimum of £10,000 to keep operating, if he falls below that his entire farm becomes worthless overnight. I am exaggerating and over-simplifying to make my point, but in essence this is how it works. This is why firms try to externalise their risk as much as possible, because accountants when faced with a risky investment will apply a discount rate which means they hack off a percentage to reflect the chances of the investment going bad. For example, if you know that 5% of all your loans are currently going bad, it makes sense to write down the "true" value of your loans as being 5% less than what you lent out.

The trouble is that we live in a risky world, and the market is NOT infinite and can NOT take on infinite amounts of risk. It HAS to go somewhere, and when that somewhere overflows, it collapses. Banks take on risk from firms and individuals and try and diversify that risk onto others, but all they really can do is spread the risk around in the hope that if one part collapses, the others will support it. At some point though, too much risk accumulates in too many parts all at once, then the entire thing bombs and some other risk sink sucks in the risk. In the case of banks, it is government who takes on the risk - and as government IS the people, they just hand the risk right back to the people who sold it on in the first place - but in the new form of higher taxes, fewer schools and higher inflation.

So far so good? This stuff is NEVER taught at university level. You will NEVER hear any of that explained in any finance or economics course. The only way you'll ever hear of it is to read the Nobel prize winning authors who invented CAPM and such, and they mince their words so finely that it is extremely difficult to see what they are really truly saying. Yet the very brightest do understand this, and furthermore they understand that no one wants to hear that our entire civilisation is dooming itself - sadly they only tend to be explicit after they have retired and no longer need to attract research money.

Time for a little more detail on how exactly too much risk accumulates in one place and the whole thing dives. What I'm about to explain is a gross over-simplification, and it's a little inaccurate, but it's close enough to be good enough.

Remember our structured finance? Remember how it's basically a set of insurance contracts against some future eventuality? Well, after you've taken out the contract, you can sell it at any stage for what it's currently worth - so, our farmer may learn that the upcoming summer is almost certainly going to be a bumper harvest and therefore will sell his insurance early so he can reap all of the bumper harvest rather than the insurer getting it. Obviously, as more & more people realise that a bumper harvest is likely, such insurance contracts rapidly lower in price to whatever the average consensus is that the contract is worth - so obviously enough, if a bumper harvest is a near guarantee, then insuring against failure is very cheap. You thus get a zooming in to something's true value the closer it comes in time as more accurate information about the future becomes available.

This is both good and bad. When it works, it works well. Sadly, in the case of a speculative bubble, expected future values can vastly exceed something's true worth, and unlike investment shares in companies (on a stockmarket) which are legally protected so you can only lose what you invest and not a penny more, you can lose many hundreds of times your investment in these insurance contracts (also called derivatives, or futures). This is because, effectively, derivatives are basically gambling on the future, so if you take very good odds on the expected near guarantee that there will be a good harvest, if there is a highly unexpected very bad harvest you suddenly lose the inverse which is many hundreds (and sometimes thousands of times) your initial investment.

In the case of Bear Stearns and Northern Rock, they combined all of what I have just explained. So let's take Northern Rock - it is a high street bank which gives out mortgages to people. This debt comes with some risk, so Northern Rock takes out insurance against people not paying it back fully with Bear Stearns (this is called securitisation) and other banks because that removes the discount rate the accountants apply to account for potential bad debts - thus its mortgages become worth more, and thus so does the company. Bear Stearns then spreads around that risk still further with yet other banks. Then say the mortgage market very unexpectedly goes bad as it did in the US - suddenly you have a massive payout of the insurance polices, each chaining from one to the next to the next - but because each banks has externalised its risk to all the others, they ALL get it in the neck and they ALL lose a fantastic amount of money - currently quite a few trillion dollars at best estimates.

However that alone isn't what kills the banks - they're not that stupid, and there are regulations preventing really stupid behaviour since 1929. No, oddly enough what kills banks - or indeed any large organisation, including entire governments - is the very human emotion of loss of trust, just as it did in 1929. I mentioned this last entry in connection with the problem that no one knows what a firm's current cash flow looks like, and therefore no one knows whether the firm has any liquidity.

The problem becomes that when those banks are off making unwise investment choices as previously described, they are constantly upping what an unwise investment is worth at the time - it's why it seems wise, because the apparent high return appears to be worth the risk. That means that on the book accounts, their net worth sky rockets due to an accounting principle called Mark to Market which simply means that something is worth whatever you can currently sell it for, not what it might actually be worth say sometime later on. Sounds sensible right? But remember our house example - which becomes worthless if cash flow is too low to sell the property - under Mark to Market, because cash flow drops so severely from paying out all those insurance contracts, suddenly lots of other assets in the bank become very worthless very quickly. That means that when a correction happens, one's accounts suddenly go from being extremely healthy to being extremely poor in a matter of hours. So, generalising the example, when liquidity dries up as you can't sell anything due to lack of liquidity (a vicious circle), then via Mark to Market accounting your company becomes worthless very quickly. Do you understand now why Bear Stearn's share price dropped from $93 to $2 so quickly? It literally became worthless. Why? Because money's value changed so quickly & drastically! This is why I say that money doesn't exist!

Generalising still further, you can now see why failing to inject liquidity in 1929 made the entire world economy worth a fraction of its value very quickly indeed. Injecting too much liquidity causes inflation and once again the entire world economy gets ill very quickly. It's a constant balancing act - a fine line between recession and boom.

And do you now understand what structured investment actually does? It hides risk by getting it off your own balance sheet and into someone else's, it probably even reduces it somewhat, but does NOT eliminate it. By getting it off individual firm's balance sheets and onto some other firm's, it simply makes the entire edifice extremely complicated and highly delicate. This is what caused Enron to fail - I have investigated Enron in some detail, and I really doubt anyone in there actually knew they weren't making a profit because how it had structured its debt was so incredibly complicated that even with five years for accountants to study the books after its collapse, they still don't know how much of a profit or a loss Enron was making at any one time. To think Enron themselves knew as it was happening is wishful thinking - and as it's just happened again in the entire financial sector starting with US mortgages, I'm pretty sure they have been making paper profits for the last decade or so. They have probably actually been running at a massive loss for years - it's just the accounts didn't show it, but now they are beginning to do so.

And now you see we get onto the meaning of recessions and booms. Markets, as it is often said, mostly work via greed and fear - not two of the best human emotions. However before fear and greed can come into play, they require trust - that the accounts say something close to what is correct and that when a firm says it is healthy, that it really is healthy. When the accounts and annual reports suggest that most of the risk has been diversified off into securities (insurance contracts), and thus its balance sheet looks much healthier due to a much lower discount rate, a firm looks much less risky than it really is because the market cannot absorb infinite risk and thus feeds risk back onto all firms but just in a different fashion.

Next entry I'll tackle how precisely we developed such a ham-fisted, stupid, inefficient and counter-productive way of handling risk. We didn't use to just pass risk around like some ticking bomb, in fact America and Britain became world empires precisely through embracing often incredible risks and trying (& failing) repeatedly until they succeeded, often with terrible costs in lives. Be happy everyone!

Sunday 30th March 2008:

2008-03-30T00:00:00+00:00

Sunday 30th March 2008: 4.04pm. Phew, it's end of term at long, long last! Well, it was two days ago, but I have been catching up on my sleep as with the MSc in High Performance Computing interview on Friday, I didn't get much of it this past week. They accepted me BTW, but without help for the fees of £5,600 - which basically means I can't go as such a high fee would cripple me. So it's increasingly looking like it'll have to be Ireland for at least the coming year - it could be much worse I suppose. Let's hope that Megan can both get in and afford to go given what the dollar has been doing recently.

Some people weren't entirely agreeing with my entry two entries ago about ice ages being when the planet is at its healthiest and warm periods (like currently) are when it's most sick. Firstly, I should really have included known ice ages in that last table of mass extinctions:

30m-present	55% @ 65m	20% @ 200m	70%-96% @ 251.4m	350m-260m	70% @ 380m-360m	49% @ 447m-444m	460m-430m	49% @ 488m	? @ 850m-630m
Quaternary Glaciation	Cretaceous–Tertiary Extinction	Triassic-Jurassic Extinction	Permian–Triassic Extinction	Karoo Ice Age	Late Devonian Extinction	Ordovician-Silurian Extinction	Andean-Saharan Ice Age	Cambrian-Ordovician Extinction	Glaciated Earth?

I didn't think that made the relationship clear, so here's a graph of temperature changes up 500m years ago. BTW I swapped the horizontal order above to match this graph:

Not hugely conclusive in either direction is it? But then the 18 isotope of Oxygen is only loosely correlated with temperature. Next I thought that this graph might be useful - it's the atmospheric levels of Carbon Dioxide (CO₂), Temperature, Methane (CH₄) and sun output during the last 400k years from the Vostok ice core:

This is much better - there is a clear link between CO₂ levels and temperature. As the temperature falls, more plants consume more CO₂ than is being produced by rock weathering and such and thus its level drops - this is opposite to our intuition of heat being good as we associate plants growing profusely in summer when it's hot. As you can see, between the punctuated rises in temperature, the drop in CO₂ is more gradual than the drop in temperature indicating improving evolution of plant photosynthesis capability - mostly by improved location and shaping of the environment, but also somewhat due to genetic improvement. Methane also tracks temperature because methane is produced by decaying organic matter, and when it's cold those little bacteria work extremely slowly - hence why your fridge keeps food fresh for longer. The most interesting part is how it suddenly shifts to high temperatures and high CO₂ and then takes some time to become colder and less CO₂ relatively gradually - and I'll posit a cause later. Note also how rising sunlight levels do increase CO₂ but always leave it lower next cycle. Finally, note how temperatures on this planet normally are 4C lower than at present!

Of course one might now say "well how do you know it isn't the CO₂ and the methane which raises the temperature and not the other way round?". After all, both are potent greenhouse gases and man-made emissions of both are currently being strongly blamed for climate change? I think that this, more than any other point, is what confused people about me linking cooler temperatures with health.

And you'd be absolutely right - more greenhouse gases mean hotter planet, less greenhouse gases mean cooler planet. From that perspective, lots of gases and heat are good for plants so they grow lots and lower the gases, making it colder. This is the traditional viewpoint - but consider things from a biodiversity view:- more and more plants are required to keep those gases low, therefore there are a LOT more plants (and thus animals) around in total at the coldest point - if there weren't, greenhouse gas levels wouldn't become so low.

When you consider this angle, it becomes clear that it doesn't matter which causes the other, because they are one and the same thing. If you take a Gaia perspective ie; that the entire planet is one organism, then it simply becomes a case of whether Gaia has a fever or not (just like animals who also get hotter - not colder - when they get ill ie; lose structural cohesion, which I'll explain shortly). Oxygen and Methane are highly reactive chemically at our atmospheric pressure and temperature and simply do not persist in any environment for very long without reacting with something - so therefore the fact that a whole 21% of our atmosphere is pure Oxygen and has stayed that way for 2bn years (despite the 96% mass extinction at 250m!) is because an awful lot of very resilient photosynthetic organisms have kept it that way by extracting the carbon out of any CO₂ they could find via sunlight and leaving lots of O₂ around for more complex organisms to use (despite it being the most abundant & potent carcinogen in our environment by far). It's a cycle - plants can't grow without CO₂ yet perversely, historically there are the most plants when CO₂ levels are lowest precisely because of that fact - which has been amply proven via the fossil record:

One must remember that oxygen is a very powerful oxidiser - so much so that carbon, when reacting with oxygen, releases so much energy it turns air into an ionised plasma (also called a flame). That very same chemical reaction, the same that burns entire forests down in an inferno, is what drives you and me. That natural thing for that reaction to do is burn very hard, and very brightly - yet none of us burst into flames unless we are heated up sufficiently after which we do burn extremely well (try burning dried out meat some time - it has an energy density approaching that of crude oil, some 37MJ/kg). Why? Because, when healthy, our biochemical regulation system paces the reaction using a water solution and membranes to keep the chemicals apart and it only pumps the amount of energy required for combustion via ion transfer over the membranes. When we die, those membranes break down and anaerobic bacteria start eating us thus producing the familiar stench of decay. Just in case readers are still not absolutely convinced, I did a very crude merge of the two graphs:

There is so much going on in the graph that it's hard to describe, but one can see that the 96% extinction at 250m came at a time when Gaia was pretty unhealthy anyway - probably the reason it was the worst mass extinction that we know of, and also it took the longest to recover from. Sometimes biodiversity precedes temperature change, other times it's the opposite. I agree that from this evidence my opinion is still not proven - but equally, the more common association of "warm = good" is no more proven. A very good piece of news is that Gaia was at her healthiest point in 500m years before we started amplifying the minor mass extinction after the end of the last ice age 15,000 years ago.

Thermodynamically speaking, the point to take from all this is when things are at their most ordered, most cohesive, most healthy is when there is the greatest difference between energy source and final energy sink. For the biosphere, the temperature of the sun is pretty fixed at 6000K so it's at its healthiest when it is extracting the maximum possible amount of entropy from sunlight - which implies the coldest possible ambient temperature. See my diary entries during my summer of research for a lot more on this.

Now onto how this relates to financial markets. It recently occurred to me that a graph from my group Econometrics project on historical house prices in the UK last semester might be useful:

The red solid line (left axis) is the average house price divided by the average annual income per person in the UK - as you can see, it tended to stay around twenty times for much of British history and it still tends to return to that multiple. The green is the interest rate the bank sets and the purple is the rate of inflation. The blue dotted line is real interest rates, which is what the banks charge minus inflation. Traditionally, a sudden jump in this house price multiple indicated that large inflation was about to come within a year - what economists call "overheating" in an economy. As you can see, from about 1983 onwards, house price multiples have started to ignore the interest AND inflation rates quite noticeably - despite what monetary economics or the government thinks about it being a form of economic stabilisation control. Nevertheless, we must ask: why should this house price multiple move so independently of the underlying interest rate?

Here's what I think: a lot of talking heads on TV and newspapers are blathering about cheap credit being the cause of the recent financial crunch (because hedge funds, banks, big investors et al routinely borrow short-term money to cover their temporary massive losses on the derivatives market). This is simply untrue - in fact, the real interest rate sat around zero for much of recent British history and since the early 1980's it has returned to a few percent which is still about half its average during the boom times of the British empire. No I think it's far more a case of too much capital floating around - after the great boom of the 1990's, we simply have too much excess capital for the stockmarkets to absorb and as a result it has tried to find elsewhere to go eg; emerging markets or real estate. Too much of something does imply that it becomes cheaper - but I don't think that means cheaper in cost per se (after all, it can't go below the real interest rate in cost), but rather cheaper due to more of it being around and thus less work is needed to get it. China certainly has far more easy capital than it knows what to do with - in fact, it like other developing countries has actively turned capital away.

Too much capital is a rather unique situation in history - I can't think of another case apart from perhaps in Britain at the height of empire when foreign direct investment mushroomed. My instinct suggests that inflation will rise to wipe off the value of that excess capital, but I must agree that it should have already happened by now. Who knows what this means - I would personally guess that the national accounts are simply wrong and inflation has got lost off the balance sheet somewhere - but I do know that that house price multiple is going to drop back to at least 25 times and probably more - which means either that house prices fall or wages rise (which equals inflation). Just for reference, this is British empire foreign investment as taken from a 2nd year Economics essay I wrote:

As one can see, the empire saw a handsome average return of around 50% for its risky investments overseas. Furthermore, as the British economy wobbled (as you can see from the wildly oscillating outflows), the foreign income was a welcome source of stability during the recessions of 1839-1842, 1866-1870, 1877-1879, and the long recession 1890-1906.

Now money is a sort of energy - or rather, the movement of money is kinda like energy moving in that it has an effect on its surroundings and tends to lose some of its value during transit. For example, if you move money from A to B you pay a charge - you might not think you do of course because it's hidden via the clearing system, so when you transfer money or pay in a cheque it goes into clearing ie; takes a few days before it arrives. This is one of the greatest scams of modern finance because money moves in milliseconds, so all the banks really do is take your money and leave it in their own bank account for three or four days before sending it on. While there it earns interest you see which the bank takes as commission - meanwhile of course, you lose that interest.

This is why GDP growth, ie; the growth of the money value of how many final goods and services were produced, has some relation to actual economic growth. It's basically a measure of how much money has changed hands and is a very good indicator of how much effect our economy has had in total on everything. Unfortunately, it has much of its effect on our mental state rather than anything physical - after all, many wars have been fought over perceived wealth advantages which may or may not turn out to be warranted.

Financial markets are supposed to discover those goods & services which people will want next or want cheaper and funnel capital into those for an expected return beyond the bank interest rate corresponding to the amount of risk. As covered in recent entries, when markets believe the information they receive about upcoming goods & services, greed sets in, all is well and the money flows (ie; a boom). When it becomes apparent that that information is not to be trusted ie; because firms and analysts have started lying about the worth of these proposed investments, fear sets in and financing dries up (ie; a recession). Thus one can see that what drives the boom & bust cycle is trust in information:- when trust is high, interconnection & interaction is high and when trust is low, everyone hoards and boards up the windows.

I covered this before in previous entries, but now we need to relate this to the biosphere which undergoes a ~100,000 year ice age cycle and thus a ~100,000 year cycle of minor mass extinctions (of around 5-10%). Can you see yet how both processes are thermodynamically identical? If not, here's my best attempt to explain ...

What causes the loss of trust which causes a recession? It's the boom itself. Why? Because as the economy booms, there is a mad scrabble to get your money in there and the most sound investments will get oversubscribed first, leaving only the less sound ones for the excess (often borrowed) money to enter. There is an ever increasing incentive for investees to lie about the soundness of their proposed investment and likewise for the investor who wants to find superior returns for their capital, but being afraid of "losing out" they throw more & more caution to the wind. When reality sets in, trust gets lost - but note something really interesting: what causes a recession is too much capital available too easily.

This exactly mirrors how ice ages break down. At their coldest, total planetary biomass is at its peak - there is more abundant food available than at any other time as the biosphere wrings every last bit of entropy out of sunlight. In fact, there is too much food available too easily. You're probably thinking I'm mad here, but thermodynamically speaking, the more entropy you dissipate in a smaller space and time period, the exponentially higher the effects on the environment it causes. One effectively gets a compression of space and time from the entropy's viewpoint - which is also correct as in Physics we tend to hold light as the constant and relativise everything else around that. Time, in the sense of the rate of change caused to the environment, speeds up.

The problem is that all those numerous plants & animals being so diverse, interlocking & complicated that they cannot adapt to such increasing rates of change, caused by their own success, without losing structural cohesion (ie; a rising fever), and thus one gets a collapse. We do know however that total diversity exponentially rises over time, so after each iteration things are always better on average than before by some compounded percentage.

This is exactly the same process that drives the rise and falls of civilisations. It also is the same process that drives people going mad and recovering as I did. This notion of structural inflexibility - that the success of a system's structure generates so much change in its environment that it fails to adapt to changing conditions, so it collapses which forces adaptation - that is THE central thesis of my book, that we must deliberately & consciously deconstruct our society to make it vastly more flexible - that means eliminating most of our laws, social & legal structures, and in the process keeping what is absolutely required for our civilisation to continue - and not one iota more.

Hence the main points of my book: improve speed & breadth of transmission & quality of information in all areas so trust is not only kept higher, but over-simplifying complex issues avoided. Simplify laws to most essential guidelines instead of tombs of books no human could possibly know in their entirety. Move economy's focus from increasing physical output to increasing cognitive improvement. Remove as many incentives to lie or falsify as possible. Tax what people do NOT what they earn - this unifies social, moral & legal societal controls in one, coherent direction rather than the current mess where taxes punish good behaviour (eg; earning more money) and bad behaviour is untaxed (eg; crime).

Well I hope you all enjoyed my four part series on economics and biology - as you might be able to tell, a lot of this is being synthesised for my book though I'll be a lot more rigorous (and hopefully clearer) there. Ok, time for food and cleaning the house before Megan and Johanna get back. Be happy everyone!

Saturday 16th February 2008:

2008-02-16T00:00:00+00:00

Saturday 16th February 2008: 3.52pm. Just woken up, and I do feel pretty damn knackered but then for once it's entirely & very much my own fault! I was going to get an early night last night because I had been extremely tired yesterday after staying up till 7am trying to get my new printer to work - actually, to be more specific, it was to fix Johanna's computer because I accidentally broke its ability to print anything at all during the process of testing the new printer. Then last night I began reading a little Flash Gordon in the 22nd Century which arrived yesterday after me ordering it two months ago - these are six vintage 1980's sci-fi books telling one big long story, and I ended up reading two whole books back to back and so got to sleep after 8am. Heh!

Now those Flash Gordon books have absolutely do with the normal Flash Gordon whatsoever, in fact few people have ever heard of them or know anything about them and a full complete set is EXTREMELY rare. Don't get me wrong - the narrative is awful, the plotlines weak, the descriptions lurid and in every single way technically The Da Vinci Code would exceed it (and that's saying something!). However, I read the third book when I was about nine, I always wanted to know what happened before and especially after, and that was worth quite a bit of money to me (£30 inc postage from Canada of all places, I found the seller via www.abebooks.co.uk which is the Amazon for rare books). It's interesting you know - I hadn't realised how these books totally lack any emotional depth at all until now, yet when nine years old they certainly did invoke emotional states within me. I guess I've matured a little

As for the new printer, well I'm really very proud of my new acquisition. I got it off eBay for £38 inc delivery and it's an old ancient year 2000 HP Laserjet 2200d which you can see on the right. I bought it because I lost my temper with my purloined Epson inkjet which ran out of ink yet again when I was just about to print a letter I needed to send - you see, in common with most budget printers, it requires ink in the colour cartridge to print in black & white because the ink is where the manufacturers make their money. Even with buying generic cartridges at quarter the cost, a full set costs about £30 and I can get a new printer for that. In fact, I can get a whole new ter for that as my new eBay acquisition proves!

This printer back in its day was state-of-the-art and cost near enough to a full grand. It can print double-sided on its own which is a major boon, it also understands Postscript which makes it Linux friendly, and best of all because it's a corporate model, its toner cartridges will do about 5k sheets for only £45 (proper HP cartridges, not the generic at half the cost). Including paper @ 0.6p a sheet, that's 1.5p a single sided sheet or 2.4p a double sided sheet my friends, a BIG difference from the 4p a single sided sheet the inkjet used to cost. Ok, the savings won't pay for the printer anytime soon, but on the other hand the quality of output is VASTLY better especially as this particular model can do true 1200 dots per inch which is four times the resolution of modern personal laser printers (that means much sharper pictures and much smoother greys).

It's currently hooked up via USB1 to the Linux TiVO box I built Johanna last September so all the computers in the house can share it. I still have some permission & driver problems ... but I'll fix em!

Anyway, all that has come after ten days of busyness. I lingered & prevaricated for about four days after I got back from Amsterdam, then decided I had to get on with things and so made a long list, and started making myself tick off items which I've been doing ever since. Megan has reacted by feeling a bit neglected which very much reminds me of the last nine months of going out with Johanna. I'm really not sure what to do about that - I don't want to repeat my mistake of last time when I basically said "You can't be the centre of my Universe every single day for the rest of time", which as I've since determined caused Johanna to find ever increasingly drastic ways of regaining my attention (in her mind). I appreciate what it's like for Megan - she's definitely been the focus for the last six months, but now that I want to write the book it's become my focus and she feels like she's losing out - and then of course feels guilty about feeling like that.

It's not that we don't still spend significant amounts of time together, but it does mean that any time we do have together we both have our minds elsewhere which I suppose creates a feeling of loss of intimacy, which in our modern age manifests itself as heightened physical desire as a means of proxy or even substitute. To me, that's a necessary sacrifice of time moving ahead - and I always try to make sure that around once a week (but sometimes up to ten days if busy) I focus exclusively on the girlfriend eg; do something romantic. That wasn't enough for Johanna, she never appreciated that I was doing my absolute damned best to balance all the various pressures second half of second year because she only got my exclusive attention (and admittedly, I was usually exhausted) sporadically (ie; when I found the time and wasn't so exhausted I was a zombie). Actually, in fairness, she did appreciate it at the time, it's just it simply wasn't enough and she wanted what she could not have without me giving up getting good grades, the nascent Future Society and my coffee dates. I suppose there is a point that if I loved her enough, I'd have done that - equally, if she loved me enough, she could have waited just until the end of semester - it's hardly a lifetime, though the St. Andrews bubble makes it seem that way.

And now Megan and I are standing at a somewhat similar cross road. The honeymoon of the relationship is over, what comes next is both easier and harder at the same time. I took off almost all the pressure to move onward by last December - it had been necessary prior to that given our history, but I'm not fond of one person always driving the relationship, I think both should take it in turns. Unfortunately, that can seem like I don't care, or that my attention is elsewhere, and Johanna has repeatedly pointed out that I'm very bad at communication at this point because I'm not good at indicating that I'm watching without doing. So that's my aim this coming semester - to keep reminding Megan that I am focusing on her and our relationship, but that I'm two or three steps away from the rudder as it were.

Some of you might think I'm theorising too much again! And you're right, I do worry that I'm bucking too much social norms for what I want to be feasible - at least, for a woman under the age of thirty. Women are taught to be emotionally dependent on their man - it's why they permit a boyfriend to do many things they wouldn't a male friend no matter how close. I've deliberately challenged & broken that whenever possible during my time in St. Andrews, most obviously by sleeping with most of my female friends, but less obviously by saying, doing, and behaving in ways utterly inappropriate for a male friend to behave. My point in all this was to illuminate how men are boxed in, so for example they're not allowed sleep with women who are not their (potential) girlfriends unless both parties are drunk. However, if they become a boyfriend, suddenly they're allowed too much leeway, so they can dominate the woman, or be unreasonable, or order her around - and the woman happily accepts because that's her accorded role in society - or rather, that's what she thinks is her accorded role because in my opinion, this can all too easily become a convenient self-destructive excuse for getting out of making one's own decisions and thus taking responsibility for growing up and dealing with one's own mistakes. In other words, for most women under the age of twenty five or so, being in a relationship is an emotional "get out of jail free" card from taking personal responsibility by shelving that onto the man - because it's much easier to be told what to do and to do it than think for oneself¹. And cos I'm just plain difficult, I want my girlfriend to do better - much better - which in itself is me dominating the woman into behaving in a way she wouldn't ordinarily, thus completing the contradiction!

What I'd really like is that boyfriends and close male friends are treated the same way - they get permitted sex when both parties want it for the right reasons, but NOT due to a "we're going out" on/off switch. Equally, boyfriends shouldn't be allowed to abuse, belittle, dominate or intimidate except when both parties want it for the right reasons, and again NOT due to a "we're going out" on/off switch. And just to be complete, women shouldn't be allowed to nag, pout, be jealous, moody, pointlessly demanding or stroppy just because the "we're going out" on/off switch says they can!

God damn it, all I want is for people to think about what they want and will make them happy rather than blindly inheriting the simplistic binary precepts of our society. FAR too many people go around saying "I have X, Y, Z and Q. Because I have these I should be happy, and as I'm not happy then I'm being ungrateful, and therefore I am a bad person, and therefore I should go do something bad to let out steam so I definitely have cause to hate myself because that's the only way any of what I'm feeling makes any sense at all". Yeah, I guess you're seeing the fundamental message of my upcoming book which will be entitled Freeing Growth: A Neo-Capitalist Solution to Climate Change and Social Ills except of course I'll be explaining my reasoning in a far more subtle, and hopefully therefore far more persuasive, fashion.

Now I would just love to go and bang on about that book and how its template is progressing so far, but really I should be working on it rather than spending loads of time writing in here - and besides, I'm pretty hungry now at it's 5.41pm and I've been writing this for nearly two hours. So I'll be off, though it'll be tomorrow before this gets published as Megan and Johanna should probably check it over first given the detail I've put in and both of them are out together at a birthday party right now. So y'all be happy, see you again soon!

[1]: Megan, quite correctly, says I'm being strongly biased against women here and also that what I said isn't a purely under-25 phenomenon like I make it seem. Absolutely correct - but then I'm currently surrounded by under-25 women and I am alluding strongly to various events currently happening around me like I always do in this virtual diary, and besides, I'm also a man and am not even remotely attempting to be impartial! I might add that there is plenty more bias and assumptions in there eg; I just strongly advocated that men & women should be true friends first lovers second - an agreed myth for the European middle classes, but an assumed impossibility for the European working classes where a man's only possible female friend can be his sisters and maybe first cousins (and vice versa). Thing is, the latter are being truthful - most middle class couples secretly don't trust their partners and lie to themselves about being friends. Don't believe me? Ok, how would you react if your partner cheats on you? If they are really truly your friend, then so what to be honest? So long as they don't lie to you, they haven't betrayed your friendship - just an agreement between you to be physically and/or mentally exclusive with you, and that's something any friend should be able to get over. Another example: most relationships long outlive their natural life, and a true friend would let their partner go instead of trying to keep them because they fear being alone. I could keep going, but no time for food!

Friday 25th January 2008:

2008-01-25T00:00:00+00:00

Friday 25th January 2008: 9pm. My last exam was last Monday and since then it's been mainly catching up on various chores and pottering around doing random stuff as part of recuperating from last semester. A good week of my Christmas break was spent doing essays, so really I only had one week off and that week was spent meeting up with various people eg; Kev's memorial football match. It's been good last few days, been sitting up till 6am watching a lot of Doctor Who (the new series) in particular. Certainly, this past exam session was one of the worst I've had - had the most difficulty maintaining concentration of any revision period yet by far with my mind constantly thinking of anything other than what it should have been studying. However, the grades should be 2.1 or higher, and tomorrow I head back to Hull for the first time in two years as the beginning of a week long holiday (my first in eighteen months!).

This is the traditional birthday entry - yes, I am some thirty years old now. And ten days ago for the second birthday in a row I did not feel much depression - last year, S- took me out which was wonderful. This year it was very much lower key, in fact most people didn't even realise it was my birthday and I had some ringing up or texting many days after when they remembered.

But despite that it was just Megan and myself, I had to admit that the usual birthday blues were not manifesting themselves. Megan did note this on the day and asked why. I replied "Because I think this is the first birthday in many years that I can truly say I achieved a very great deal in the preceding year". And on that, I still think that's true - I can really place hand on heart and say, without hesitation, that I definitely achieved a lot this past year:

Everyone, and everything, which surrounds me & gives forth to me grew substantially during 2007
Johanna and I have overcome a great deal of trickiness during the past year - no couple I have ever known has healthily continued to live together after they broke up, even more so when one gets a new partner. Not just that, but mine & Johanna's relationship is far deeper and better than it has ever been - it has grown into something better than it ever was when we were dating. I know that Johanna has had troubles seeing it quite this way, she finds it all very frustrating & confusing. But I am incredibly proud of her, she's being more mature than I would be if the roles were reversed for sure.

Megan has decided to stop her errant & destructive ways and is better than I have ever known her, and her family and friends from before St. Andrews seem to think I am some sort of wonder worker when the crazy part is that I was the lynch pin of much of her deep unhappiness these past two years. I think that's she been like she was in part for many more years preceding.

V- recently made a full apology, so she's no longer cut off. I made a full apology to my academic daughter given my recent discovery that I can't trust my memory, so that's mostly fixed. N- and I have had a most eventful semester, had a few tricky spots in there too but thankfully Megan knows & understands only too well. I- has had a horrendous semester, not that she's doing much positive about it, and S- is now dating a good friend of mine and I approve. So, in no uncertain terms, everyone I care about who hasn't been kicked out of the university yet has grown greatly as a person.
I have grown substantially during 2007
What can I say? I understand better now than I have ever done, and a quantum leap more so than when I was typing here this time last year. I am ready to write my book applying Tn to the world. In fact, I begin in about two weeks - I have generated a shit load of notes this past semester. I have come to realise that my memory accuracy problems are tied strongly to changes which have occurred within me - I am no longer seeing time nor change quite like I used to, and that has caused memory accuracy problems during the transition. Funny really.
Succeeded in shrinking successfully
All our lives go through cycles of growth and shrinkage. As I mentioned in last year's entry, most people have difficulty in shrinking successfully - they tend to feel themselves losing what they have and try to cling on to too much to possibly keep. It ain't easy, but I think I've done it, and I've successfully brought the maximum possible with me into this new phase of growth.

The only sadness I have is that many I care about have been left behind along the way. Not a lot I can do about that, the connection has become broken and as Megan has been finding recently in trying to make it up to those she has been unkind to in the past, once the connection is gone there isn't a huge amount that one can do - that window of opportunity has closed in order to make space for new windows of opportunity to generate change. And I, and those around me, we have suffered greatly this past year - but I think we can all agree that we have all become better for it. And it's not often one can be so upbeat about great change, so I think all is pretty damn good!

Well, I suppose time for the next thing on the todo list - washing up, packing and putting away clothes are all still to come! Be happy everyone, and happy 2008!

Saturday 22nd December 2007:

2007-12-22T00:00:00+00:00

Saturday 22nd December 2007: 2.17pm. It's nuts that it's only three days till Christmas even though today is the official end of term in St. Andrews! Johanna has just left and Megan left last Wednesday, and I handed in my last group coursework assignment on Thursday. To achieve that I had to defer one of my essays via Student Support, so it along with another essay hangs over my Christmas. I had a deliberate lie in yesterday morning for the first time since reading week - yes folks, this has truly been the hardest semester work-wise since semester two of second year (which left me so shattered I took two weeks to recover from the nervous eye twitch among other psychosomatic illnesses I developed).

It didn't help that I lost my reading week - two days after the previous entry I came down with some viral & bacteriological infection and became more sick than I have been in years (think shaking for hours sweating profusely in a bed for day after day). It took me ten days to fully recover which seriously shafted my plans to get ahead in my personal coursework as so to leave space for the group stuff (whose timing you cannot plan as it depends on the group). Then as of the 2nd of December when the Irish post-graduate applications opened I began my postgraduate applications to University College Cork, Edinburgh and Hull for a variety of PhD (research) and MSc (taught) courses in both Economics/Management and Computer Science - which are two separate faculties, each with two separate application procedures for research and taught. To make it even more complicated, some MSc's are subsidised depending on the year, some can be promoted to a PhD, some have quota scholarships and others applied, and so on so forth. This sucked up two weeks of my free time between the researching of options, dialoguing via email, and the filling in of endless forms, and given the never ending nagging from my father it often seemed like choosing between a rock and a hard place

This all left me constantly behind in my studies, and no matter how hard I tried I never managed to recoup the losses. I was also very mindful that the reason I became ill in the first place was because I had pushed myself too hard before reading week and my body simply said "stop now" and made me ill - and that I couldn't afford to happen again. All that said, I haven't done worse than a high 2.1 all semester which surely will do wonders for me getting a first given the travesty of last semester.

Speaking of exhaustion, I made a full apology to my academic daughter last Wednesday after six months of having cut her off when I felt she had made up a conversation between us. It recently came to my attention through incontrovertible testimony from both Megan and Johanna independently that this semester I invented memories that were an incorrect fusion with make-believe of what actually happened. To say this bothers me would be putting it mildly - it clearly only happens when I get very, very exhausted - not necessarily physically tired mind, but rather depleted of all remaining stocks of effort. It's just like old people do - and I clearly have found myself getting confused like an old person during the last two weeks, and hell I'm only just about to turn thirty. But one can feel the bell beginning to toll - I'm pretty sure I didn't used to get so befuddled in second year. On the other hand, I had two years to build up health and effort reserves before arriving here, and the fun & games leading up to the most recent summer most certainly depleted any backup reserves that I had left. I have been running on empty and feeling it to be so recently more than at any time in the previous six years - it probably doesn't help either that I started smoking again this past week having successfully not done so all semester, but I think the real reason I started smoking again is because I had to cut back the two bottles of whiskey I was drinking per week because my kidneys were beginning to ache.

And why might you ask would I be drinking two bottles of whiskey per week mostly on my own (sometimes with Megan who rather likes the stuff too)? It's probably about fifty units of alcohol per week just on the whiskey, so add another ten on for the occasional beer and we're looking at about sixty per week. Bear in mind you're only supposed to drink about half that at most, so well, not good really. Well, much like my father, when you give up smoking your drinking correspondingly increases, and also like my father, I find work stressful which makes me anxious which means I can't sleep. So I try to knock myself out with drinking and a smoke if needed before bed, otherwise I just lie there and don't sleep which quickly cascades after a few days into insomnia which is really shit for studying.

If you think I might just be weak or highly-strung, consider this: I now know of five students here on beta-blockers, some eight on tranquilisers and no less than fifteen on anti-depressants (mostly SSRIs, but some with mirtazapine) - and those are just the ones I know of, many here still view it as something to be ashamed of. Admittedly, there is probably a fair bit of bias off the general population given the type of person I'm likely to know, but nevertheless I still think it's pretty shocking that so many under-22's are so heavily stressed that that level of medication is being issued. Imagine what's to come for them working in some soulless corporation who sucks you dry before disposing of you in your late 20's - and best of all, like studying here, they'll all convince themselves at the time that they are really enjoying their jobs and their reward for their hard work will arrive soon!

Interestingly, all of them don't want medication, they'd actually far prefer counselling because the real problem behind all this is loneliness even when you're surrounded by friends, all of whom are just as lonely & isolated as you are - and thus each pursuing their own self-interest destroys their own self-interest. Student Support Services in St. Andrews is not there for you, it is there for your studies which is quite, quite different - as people quickly realise after visiting them, they also do the minimum necessary to get you maximising your academic results even if your happiness must be sacrificed to do so. Thus Student Support becomes part of the game, part of the system to be deceived and manipulated to gain more marks for less effort in the never-ending profit-maximising optimisation, and thus even more isolation, loneliness and despair sets in - a never-ending, vicious circle. It's not like I haven't been bleating to anyone who will listen about this since I arrived here, and if I do say so myself, this past semester has vindicated my warnings like none other because many students have started "making friends" for after graduation - by which I mean, they've started sucking up to those who they think will best propel them forward after graduation, sometimes through fancy invite-only dinner parties, sometimes through literally opening your legs or mouth to gain special attention or favour eg; getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend who looks like a good platform or conduit, and usually all combined with disregarding, ignoring or belittling old friends who are an embarrassment to the new cause. In the process, many good solid ordinary friends have been left estranged, and many people have realised just how few (if any) friends they ever really actually had to begin with. Those who have listened to me feel their loneliness and despair every day, the least worst scenario - while those who have not deceive themselves of the truth, and spend all their time convincing themselves of their happiness and popularity while secretly engaged in ever more self-destructive behaviours because deep down they know how desperately unhappy they really are.

You know, it's not until I watched Megan these past four months that for all my fancy theories as to why people are self-destructive, I have fully accepted that her simple explanation was the most correct. Happy people don't tend to be self-destructive, or rather with time they become less self-destructive. Unhappy people over time become ever increasingly more self-destructive. Now I knew that as a theory, and I definitely applied that theory to Megan over the last two years - but watching her make quantum leaps in self-esteem over the last four months really has cemented how powerfully true that simplistic explanation really truly is. With the self-esteem has come mountains of self-confidence, and it's true self-confidence. With that comes vastly improved treatment of other human beings such that she of late has been so consistently a good friend not just to me, but to everyone who knows her, that it's like she has become reborn. The biggest, clearest change has been in consistency - I and others are beginning to actually rely on her and not keep expecting to get let down like we used to.

And thus therein lies the key to my book - our world is being destroyed by the most self-destructive human population that has ever lived (and I refer to only the top 20% in consumption terms of us). Looking at the happiness indicators trailing ever downwards since the 1970's, I think there's a lot of credence in Megan's simple explanation applying across the widest swathes of today's society. Put most clearly: Discover people's happiness, Save the world.

This interestingly is an applied case of one of the fundamental laws in my upcoming book: that healthy systems embed themselves and become ever more stable over time (eg; like a monopoly). Unhealthy systems destabilise themselves, forcing themselves to evolve by ever increasingly generating chaos and degeneration in their surroundings. In case you're wondering, exactly the same process underpins (and this is a very, very small subset of the total list): genetic step-change evolution, idea generation, political winds, computer programs & programming techniques, solar systems & planets, heroin junkies, putting too many rats into a box, why matter is solid, one of the reasons that time moves forwards and lastly why God makes mistakes (relatively, but he/she/it never makes mistakes absolutely).

Yeah ... that's only one of the fundamental laws and all ... and my upcoming book even explains the processes that underpin how that law works through a lay man's explanation of thermal physics. It'll almost certainly barely sell a copy

Ok, time to go start cleaning the house - it has become the dirtiest & most untidy it's ever been during the past semester, and the last time I properly cleaned it was reading week (Johanna's been too busy to do anything other than cooking and washing dishes). Johanna's away till February as she has no exams, so as of tomorrow I'll have a nice clean, tidy house for about six weeks yay!!! Be happy everyone, and Merry Christmas!

Tuesday 13th November 2007:

2007-11-13T00:00:00+00:00

Tuesday 13th November 2007: 4.16pm. Here we are in Reading Week at long last! To think that a month and a half has passed ... gee, it felt a lot longer. There's been lots of drama in everyone else's life, but mine, well mine is pleasantly dull. And I'm very glad for it!

I basically spend most of my time with Megan which continues to go well. I squeeze a few hours in per week to work on Brook and as of yesterday, its CPU backend is about forty times faster than it used to be and is stable and working well. It's nearly finished actually in terms of how I wanted to upgrade it - if only they'd fix the bugs I submitted to AMD about their very crappy OpenGL support in their drivers for both Windows and Linux (neither can drive more than one graphics card at once, even though their DX9 drivers can, and this is more than shit). The only real thing left to do with it is a regression suite for the new features, and stuff it through Glowcode and Valgrind to clean up any bad code and resource leaks. I then might merge it into TnFOX I think as a non-core add-on module - this then lines me up perfectly for my new Economic modelling software which I'll be needing for next semester.

Yeah I am probably going to have a go at that book on Neo-Capitalism next semester. I have only one class and my dissertation happens to fit one part of one chapter so I even get to get marks for writing some of it. The book will be a trilogy with the first book being the Conclusions, second book being the Maths & Science (and computer modelling) and third book being the Moral & Spiritual. Yes it is supposed to be backwards - I figure almost all readers won't want to wade through hefty theory, and furthermore hefty theory will put them off before they get to the conclusions. So I'll go for the conclusions first, then ever increasing amount of detailed explanation culminating finally at the end of Book 3 with God which seems spot on as God resides as the contradiction (a paradox) in the infinite. One gets some especially exciting maths modelling that kind of stuff, never mind moral theory. And if I can even get half the first book done by the end of next summer, I'll be happy.

However before that comes a very great deal of coursework unfortunately. I have lots & lots due between now and Christmas - all sorts of group presentations, group essays, group this and group that. It's very slow moving because it's all group work, and there are endless problems of interpersonal relations and coordination - the key is to keep tipping away and start as early as the group will let you. Interestingly I think I only have two bits of coursework I do on my own this semester, probably less than 20% of all my coursework which is the first time it's been in a minority.

Johanna went through her usual annual difficult patch about two weeks ago, and after as usual coming close to breaking point, made some changes in her life and is now much better. She's had a lot happen to her last six months, no shortage of trials & tribulations usually imposed on her by external forces, and despite all that she seems to be bearing up well. I still don't see much of her, but have seen more of her this past week due to her own coursework commitments than I have before that. She seems to have been enjoying relaxing slightly this reading week which is very good.

Ok, next step I think is some food. I'm supposed to be going with Megan + father to Anstruther's famous fish & chip shop, but I'm getting too hungry! Be happy everyone!

Tuesday 2nd October 2007:

2007-10-02T00:00:00+01:00

Tuesday 2nd October 2007: 1.16pm. Lectures began for my last & final year of undergraduate study (hopefully) yesterday. I am finding myself grumpier this year than any previous year with the shite they pass off as knowledge in this place, and on at least two occasions yesterday I loudly corrected the lecturer who had made a factual error - one of many I might add, but I was too tired to bother correcting them any further. I phased one who made a factual error about Cisco networking products and who was blowing "the Cisco model" way out of proportion - making it out to be some wonderful new & fantastic era of business upon which the entire course would be based (problem was his understanding of the technicalities of the hardware was simply wrong, and he was making a domain error in likening computer networking to human networking). The other knows me though has never taught me and indeed thanked me after the lecture for not correcting him more often as he knows is my wont to do

Megan and I are now six and a half weeks in and it's going very, very well indeed - vastly better than either I or she had thought it would, and umpteen times better than anyone else thought it would - when everyone came back from summer break last week, their reactions varied between disbelief, flabbergastedness and outright sheer denial. No one was particularly supportive, that's for sure. And while it has been far smoother sailing than might be expected, it has had its bumps along the way - her friends S- and I- are not taking this new reality at all well, and of course I have removed myself completely from social situations which involve anyone who even regularly associates with Megan et al so when she goes out, I'm not there - a fact painfully obvious to just about everyone. This also has led to complications regarding simple lack of time - the weekends we don't really see each other until usually Sunday when she comes round exhausted after me having gotten annoyed with her for being emotionally not present during the preceding few days, which is due to her concentrating on socialising and the weekend from about Wednesday onwards. We then make up, it's very very good for about four days and then the cycle begins again.

This has come to a head last weekend and obviously this cycle isn't particularly good. We also have issues with the plannedness of our relationship whereby we see each other exactly once every two days which isn't very spontaneous at all. Sex, while becoming ever increasingly excellent all the time, loses something when it's consigned to such formal planning - it's not tremendously natural or spontaneous for sure. There are still some of the old issues, such as that we both really really like talking to each other but I react with wanting even more like a drug but she reacts by becoming overwhelmed & defensive, which then leads to feelings of being oppressed. All that said, these old issues are vastly less problematic than they have ever been in the past - and furthermore, I have never seen her work so hard at something before: I bring up a problem, and she just jumps right in and really tries her best to tackle it, often getting pretty frustrated herself at how wide from the mark she sometimes lands through simple lack of relationship experience. But that said, she hasn't repeated a single mistake twice yet - and she is like a different person from the one I have known for three years. Just the simple, plain difference of a "can do" attitude makes such an incredible difference - this Megan is fun to be around, an inspiration to others, looks sexier, is supportive and is just a vastly better human being. And this isn't me saying that, everyone has noticed the massive change which I think has garnered much more support for our relationship than might otherwise given a consideration of our past interactions.

I raised some of my problems with how things are going last Sunday, Megan responded last night with a whole pile of problems with how things are going from her end (again, just brilliant, she's really engaging like I've never seen her do before), so this morning just before writing this I rang her up and suggested I back off if she wants because I am her partner in all things and whatever she thinks or feels that she needs to make things easier for her from her perspective, then I will try my very best given my own inabilities to go down a middle ground rather than extremes all the time. I really, really like this girl - I like her more than any girlfriend I've ever had before - and I know that's pretty damn intimidating for her, and she really is doing fantastically - in fact, she's doing better than any girlfriend I've ever had before six weeks in, even Johanna who was a saint in the face of how difficult I am. Looking back now on my relationship with Johanna, I realise just how much she has improved me and how much better I behave in relationships now, and Megan was saying last night how grateful she was to Johanna because Megan & I would have been impossible without Johanna and me dating beforehand. I unequivocally concur!

Johanna is relatively okay - I haven't seen much of her recently, though we have spent quite a lot of time together oddly enough. It's like we've been in the same room plenty of times but haven't particularly communicated, and I think she's handling me and Megan going out fairly well though the lack of sexual interaction frustrates both of us (though her a lot more than I obviously enough). She's struggling with the return to uni as she does every year, and she's very busy getting involved in plays and orchestras and stuff. Rather her than I - I am looking forward to my first semester of total non-participation in student life. Some rest at long last! Hopefully I might even get a chance to finish off my summer work which has been sadly languishing.

Ok time for some lunch as it's past 2pm now and I have a lecture at 4pm. Be happy!

Sunday 5th August 2007:

2007-08-05T00:00:00+01:00

Sunday 5th August 2007: 1 1.54pm. Things are definitely better this past week. I have given up smoking, having had restarted it since Easter break due to stress, and I am feeling much the better for it. I still can't quite believe we're into August already - I have my resit in Economics in just under a month when I'll also be ending all contact with the girls permanently now M- has made her choice.

Late last night at 4am I achieved a major milestone for the work I intend to complete this summer, and the first fruits of all that money I spent on new computer hardware. You will all surely recognise this:

Yes, it's a Mandelbrot set. However, it's no ordinary Mandelbrot set - the one above is the output from a streaming maths computation program and it was the testcase for the functionality I have been implementing this summer.

Are you still thinking "so what?". Well, the above is a vastly shrunk form of the original - it's about 144 times smaller. Here is something closer to the original - note you'll need to scroll around a lot with the scrollbars in your web browser to see it. Now get this - that massive original is still shrunk from the original: it's actually four times larger again!

In case you can't quite get your head around it yet, the original is 7168 x 7168 which means there are 51,380,224 points or pixels in total. Each one of those requires up to one hundred iterations ie; repeating the same calculation and the average is about fifty, so that gives us around 2,569,011,200 iterations.

Each iteration of the Mandelbrot formula requires a minimum of six multiplies and four additions (that's the only operations you need to do for the Mandelbrot set: additions and multiplies, nothing more complicated - it's amazing you can get such beauty from such simple mathematics). To get the colours, I added another six additions, so that gives us six multiplies and ten additions, or sixteen floating-point operations per iteration. Thus, to get our picture above, it requires about 41,104,179,200 calculations!

To perform 41 billion calculations takes a while, even on a modern PC. Each processor core of mine can do about 10 billion a second, so that's just over four seconds at best. Fractal calculations are an example of an embarrassingly parallel calculation whereby each of those 51,380,224 points can be calculated totally independently from one another, and thus entirely in parallel. Here's where the streaming maths computation comes in! A modern graphics card is precisely just such a parallel maths computation device whereby it will compute as much of the problem in parallel as possible - unlike normal CPU's which do everything serially (ie; one thing at once). The current top-end graphics hardware (a NVidia GeForce 8800 GTX currently costing some £350) can process 350 billion ops a second and thus render the entire Mandelbrot set in less than a fifth of a second, but unfortunately I can't afford such high-end hardware. Instead, I have a bottom end ATI Radeon x1300 Pro which can at best do about 9.5-14 billion ops/sec, so it's about as fast as my CPU. The next generation of cards should exceed a trillion ops per second and they are expect to double that every year from now on (normal CPU's only double about once every eighteen months).

Such cheap & massive computational power is precisely why I am developing a framework for utilising graphics cards for my proposed Economic model. I have taken Brook, an aging research project from Stanford University's GPGPU group, which had extremely outdated OpenGL support and upgraded that to the most modern available (ie; v2.0). Previously, the above Mandelbrot wouldn't even compile under the ancient ARB OpenGL support within Brook, but with the new GLSL backend support I have added it runs just fine.

Here are some figures for my ATI Radeon x1300 Pro graphics card for a 7168 x 7168 Mandelbrot (51,380,224 points):

Brook Computation Backend	Time Taken	Operations per second
DirectX 9 + PS30 (SM3.0)	4.55 secs	9 billion a second
OpenGL + GLSL	7.08 secs	5.8 billion a second

And for a 4096 x 4096 Mandelbrot (16,777,216 points):

Brook Computation Backend	Time Taken	Operations per second
DirectX 9 + PS30 (SM3.0)	3.86 secs	3.47 billion a second
OpenGL + GLSL	2.10 secs	6.4 billion a second

Yeah, I notice the ops per sec increasing as the problem size decreases with OpenGL too! That's the opposite of what it should be. Interestingly, the actual calculation itself is 8.9 billion ops/sec and that's pretty fixed - not too much below the DirectX SM3.0 implementation. The BIG problem is that the ATI drivers are being braindead when it comes to moving data from the graphics card back into the computer memory. It's a driver bug, pure and simple.

The really good news about the new OpenGL + GLSL support is that Brook now has equivalent functionality on Linux and Apple Mac OS X as it does on Windows. Just for your interest, Brook is used to perform protein folding among other things, so with a bit of luck my efforts this summer will contribute to disease breakthroughs. I know a lot of people think I am crazy to "waste" my summers not having a paid job, but hey, I may just have cured your cancer in years to come! And it may well yet pan out that I save your job and your entire future family from starving to death during a massive Economic downturn!

Ok, time for breakfast! Be happy!

Sunday 12th August 2007:

2007-08-12T00:00:00+01:00

Sunday 12th August 2007: 12.18pm. Well, what an interesting week! Last Friday plus one week I gave M- the first part of her goodbye letter. Now that's probably one of the harshest pieces of writing I have ever put on paper and furthermore I wrote and finished it mid-June, but it all needed to be said. It was on how she has treated me and others during the last two years, and on the processes and mechanisms within her (in my opinion) that lead to such malevolent behaviour.

She handled it as she always does - by erecting barriers to distance herself from the offending object and not genuinely engaging with it at all. She had been suggesting a picnic together all summer, and last Wednesday the weather was really, really gorgeous so I sent a sarcastic text message about how she never seems free on the sunny days but always can moan about how we keep missing those nice days when it's raining. She suggested the following afternoon, which annoyed me still further because yet again she had made it look like I was making her do this when she didn't really want to.

By then though, my mind was set. As part of transforming myself into someone I think deserves to be dated, I had decided that if she couldn't stop treating me abusively, then she had to get cut off sooner than early September. So during a most gorgeous picnic, I pointed out how she was disrespecting me yet again, how she was still doing the things the first part of the goodbye letter said and she really obviously wasn't taking me or the letter seriously despite the effort I had put into the 12,000 words or so. Therefore, we were done I said. I gave her the second part of her goodbye letter, on the processes which surround us, walked her home and as far as I was concerned, that was that.

Now that it was being brought home to her by this that this was serious, and as she actually started to engage, she became most upset that night. The following day when rereading the two parts, she became profoundly upset and resolved to go do something about it. Unfortunately by Saturday afternoon, despite (as usual) making all the right sounds, she obviously was pathologically lying yet again because she wasn't backing up all the fine words with actions. Yet again, she was only acting because of the fear of losing me, not because she actually genuinely wanted to out of love (fine line I know, but it's all about the purity of thought that precedes purity of action).

As for the effect upon myself, I really didn't expect what happened next. Thursday night I began to physically hurt, as in my muscles started to ache, my joints began to grind and I began to feel really quite physically sick. This abated slightly yesterday morning when she seemed maybe to finally be going somewhere better, but after a text last night saying that she was just doing all the same old pathologies and she gave up, I got considerably worse. Right now as I type this, my hip joints are burning (especially my left), my shoulders and back just hurt all over and my knees, elbows and hands ache noticeably even if I move them very slightly.

I'm not used to this! I am not used to my body disobeying so gratuitously! My mind is set on its purpose, I am resolute god damn it! My mind can do this, it's just my body appears it cannot! I know all this is psychosomatic, that I'm fighting myself, and I am feeling more than a bit silly because I'm not used to being so out of control of myself. This physical manifestation of mental pain I have only had with three people: Ruth, Johanna and M-. M- now owns the top spot, even Ruth has never affected me quite so strongly over so many days in this particular kind of way.

Now I could force my body to comply - my mind is definite. However, I know that my body is my mind, so if I force one part through against the other, I am creating many more problems down the line. I know that coming off M- is like coming off heroin, and there are many similarities, but in the end she's far more than an addictive drug: she's a person. So, much as I am loathe to admit it, the signs indicate that I don't think I should cut this girl off.

She's going to ring me on her work break next fifteen minutes or so ... where I'm going to admit that I am a weak, pathetic fool who has put her and me through all this for no avail except to learn that it's probably not a good idea for my health. God knows what I'm supposed to do next semester now ... and her friends are SO going to think this was some sort of manipulation to punish her. I'm really going to be hated for this ...

Later that day ... 5.15pm. Just up from yet another attempted nap. God I feel like crap, I feel like I have been beaten all over with a baseball bat. We spoke, it was really lovely, and I'm going around to hers for lunch tomorrow. Yes, I am rather pathetically happy I'll be seeing her again so soon. I hate lovesickness, the whole idea behind lovesickness, it very seriously annoys me.

Still, I really did try my best. She was also suffering physically much worse than I and had lots of mental suffering on top of that too, so after that phone call she's much better for it too. Seems ecstatic she'll be seeing me tomorrow. Aren't we quite the couple?

I hate to admit it, but I am actually smiling and I can't help it! Be happy everyone!

Wednesday 22nd August 2007:

2007-08-22T00:00:00+01:00

Wednesday 22nd August 2007: 2.10pm. I've just upgraded the website's PHP to considerably improve the speed of accessing this website. Due to the web counter at the top of each page, hitherto each and every HTML page fetched from nedprod wasn't cacheable which meant it was being refetched each and every time, plus because the web browser didn't know how long the page was, it had to assume it was very long (and thus it can hold back on showing it to you early). This rather increased bandwidth usage, such that over two thirds of the bandwidth used is purely from HTML. This simple fix (which I should have done ages ago) also adds compression for pages of any reasonable size (eg; this front page) and it makes using nedprod via a dialup modem very significantly easier indeed. It also means various caching systems which ISP's etc use now work as they should.

Things moved rather quickly after the last entry, but well what else did you possibly expect given it's me? The following Monday I did indeed go for lunch at hers and we ate a fine hand-made lasagne she had prepared - which was the first time she's ever prepared anything for me alone. We sat outside her house on the grass in Fife Park afterwards for a dessert of grapes, and while there she was talking about how she kept wanting to just go out with me already, that she woke up some mornings and had decided to definitely go do it, and within a few hours fear & doubt would set in and her will would evaporate. She had been just as physically affected by my attempts to end things as I had, and I pointed out that surely given the ever-increasing mountains of evidence that she had to finally accept that she actually was in love with me, had been for well over a year, and furthermore was more in love with me than anyone she had ever been in love with. As loathe as she is to admit it, it was because she was so much in love with me that she has done all the fucked up things she has done - and she started those fucked up things exactly at the same time she fell in love with me. I had been trying to get her to accept this for oh about fourteen months now, but she has major difficulty in accepting that it is possible to so maltreat someone you are so in love with.

Indeed, she had hitherto just assumed that I had been trying to convince her that she really felt this way out of my own sense of ego, to create some sort of dependency and to use or take advantage of her in some kind of way. And I can see (and did see) her point, that sure I was making this all me-orientated and absolutely, I'm really not "all that" or some sort of God's gift to women. However, all that said, there is a definite correlation between relations between us and her reacting at a deep subconscious level by performing some horrendous self-destructive act upon herself. Even within seven days of me asking her out, she had gone off and done several pretty stupid things and she hadn't done any stupid things at all since Easter break when she and I had become reconciled after six months of ostracisation. As a gross over-simplification, when she and I were okay, she was nice to herself. When something that she perceived as bad happened between us, she harmed herself. And that had been a predictable constant for eighteen months now - indeed it was even a constant last October because I deliberately delayed cutting her off fully till the start of December because I knew she would go do something especially bad to herself in response (which indeed she did).

It also helped that her best friend had told her that of course she was obviously in love with me and had been for over a year. So, despite her disgust at the idea, she decided especially after her profound physical & mental reaction the previous weekend to stop denying reality. I joked at her "So go on then, you ask me out!" and to my very great surprise, that's exactly what she did.

That rather floored me, because she actually seemed genuine. I decided not to answer immediately, but told her that if she still asked the same question next time I saw her (which would be in a few days as she was going to Edinburgh), then I would say yes - but not to worry if she retracted, because there would be no point in us going out unless she really wanted to across many days - she had to commit.

Unbeknownst to me, she spent the next few days in Edinburgh meeting up with ex-boyfriends and prospective boyfriends and putting her house in order to go into a long-term relationship. I had no idea at the time and heard nothing from her. Thus came Thursday night when I had still heard nothing, so I figured fine she's going to retract the question, I was very horny, so arse to being celibate & waiting for her and so I shagged a close friend of mine. I sent her a text the following morning saying simply "So?" and was expecting the usual crap & excuses - not that I was proud of myself mind, but I had considered my weakness as merely preemptive.

Yeah ... well ... that didn't quite happen. We met up in Aikman's Friday night, and I firstly humbly told her about my bad behaviour the previous night and said that I fully understood if she told me to go fuck myself because as her friend I had to say that my behaviour was appalling and I recommended that she dump my ass before she even began. She then told me that she had shagged two people for not the right reasons within a week of me asking her out after a long period of celibacy (which I suggested was not helped by my nasty text on the Friday after asking her out), so she was no one to speak either. And so she asked me to go out with her again, to which I said "Yes please!". Yay!

Which means I can finally dispense with the M- and call her by her real name, which is Megan (yeah, she's American)! Now, I know that pretty much everyone I take advice from seriously has strongly advised me to never, ever, ever, go near Megan with a bargepole. This diary entry almost certainly will prompt vast numbers of concerned emails along the lines of "I told you to not do this, and when it goes tits up, I am going to say I told you so". Indeed, those I have already told have so far uniformly reacted from negatively to in the case of my dear sister, extremely negatively. I don't think one single person so far is on balance positive, and I'm not expecting one single mostly positive viewpoint to be truthful.

Yes, I know she pathologically lies to me and herself and indeed anyone else she cares about. Yes, she has hurt me more than anyone in this world except Ruth and yes just her and Ruth are in a league of their own far, far exceeding anyone else alive. Yes, only three months ago she with her compadres tried to destroy me and they came close to succeeding. Until very very recently, she has been consistently the worst friend I have ever had, to a fault she has continually failed to ever be there for me, to do anything for me, or even to defend me when others were spreading maliciousness about me - indeed, she herself has repeatedly unfairly painted me in the worst possible light to her friends and others - and I only caught her doing it again only last Friday. She has repeatedly gone out of her way to be as backstabbing & unsupportive to me as possible for at least eighteen months, ever since I confronted her outside Andrew Melville about how she was letting down her friends some two weeks before Easter break 2006 (in response to which I wrote this article for her on how I stopped being mad).

I do know all this! It is me after all who has taking all this shit for all this time. And yes, I know this looks like a case of Stockholm Syndrome, that both she and I are engaging in an unhealthy limerence not love, and that this is a classic case of Capture-Bonding where two people who have abused each other severely over an extended period develop an unhealthy & obsessive emotional bond which is just guaranteed to end in disaster. I am well aware that it could be that she has only been giving out "small kindnesses" during this summer solely through panic at the idea of losing her abuser/abusee (this is a really depressing article on the topic) because she was about to get cut off. I am more than fully aware that all of the bad things she still does to me are likely to continue, that especially once her friends start digging into her about her treachery that she'll probably go off and do all sorts of wicked things which will hurt me (and herself) severely, and that this (rationally speaking) is probably the single worst decision I have ever taken - even exceeding my decision to move to Spain to be with Ruth.

And maybe it will end in total disaster. In which case all of you can happily tell me that you told me so, though I'll probably be in too severe a mess to handle it. However I think it won't end in disaster, though I agree that it could end in disaster. I know I'm the only person I know to think so positively with the possible exception of Megan herself who has been unusually positive recently - I think it's genuine rather than repression or denial, I think she likes the feeling of having taken control of her life and done something positive for once - I am the first person she has ever asked out (who she hadn't just broken up with), and given her typical behaviour of running away from everything than means anything positive to her, that's a really big thing for her. I personally am very proud of her - even a month ago she reacted to me asking her out by trying to begin a relationship with someone else, but in as little as a month has undone that act of avoidance - so that's another major step forwards. As I have said ad nauseum in previous entries here, she keeps making an incremental improvement: each week, she is better than the previous week. Furthermore, her rate of self-improvement is clearly compound increasing, so her incremental improvement is speeding up exponentially. As she herself says, she's really not quite sure how or why this is happening, but she thinks she likes it. I know I can't live without her, so hell, let's try the opposite of cutting her off completely and see what happens!

For sure, it's fun & easy & comfortable until people start arriving back - and certainly things have gone vastly better last five days than I or she had been expecting, especially in the bed department - only a matter of weeks ago, me getting too physically close filled her with disgust. She heads home around the 6th September, so we basically have it easy until then. Once she comes back, then it gets rapidly more tricky as the semester progresses. How do I stay over at her house when it is filled with people who want me destroyed? How can I socialise around her friends without causing major upset and ruining the atmosphere? How will she cope with the unyielding wall of lies & misinformation that will be spread around to try and break us up, or at best to cause massive arguments and infidelity? How do I combine having no part to play in what is to come for that group with loving & supporting Megan? There are even simpler issues: I am uncomfortable with the idea of shagging Megan with Johanna next door. You might think that a bit stupid or something, but remember I am just as in love with Johanna as I've ever been and the same goes in return (in my opinion). I'm sure Johanna has absolutely no problem with it - I would have no issue with her shagging her boyfriend next door - but I do have an issue when it's me. So even these very simple issues are immensely complicated - so where does one even begin?

Well, I have no idea. It's going to be horrendously difficult with absolutely no clear answers to anything. It seems like a tremendous amount of hassle & pain - it will certainly make for lurid diary entries! But I'll tell you something - going out with Megan makes me very happy indeed - I've wanted it for well over a year, I've invested a tremendous amount of effort to get it, and now I've got it. And seeing her last few days, well she looks happier than I have seen her since first year - she's just ecstatically happy despite knowing all the problems I've just outlined (and many far more serious I can't mention here in public). Both of us are just tickled pink. And I have faith that things are going to pan out - it's totally, 100% irrational. There is no basis whatsoever to have even the remotest optimism at a rational level - the entire situation is completely & totally fubared.

So okay, if you'd like to send your emails telling me how terrible an idea this is, or sit & fume quietly at how I'm not listening to your advice, well I can certainly understand. If any of you ignored my advice like this, I'd go ballistic. Yes, this is me being totally & utterly hypocritical once again - yet again, it's all "do as I say not as I do". I am actually really sorry about that - I know how much I've upset certain people with this decision, I have obviously caused them pain. I do appreciate your advice, and I am listening - it's just I am following my instincts and doing the opposite this one time only. You've got to follow your heart in the end, even if it leads straight to hell. Hey, I've been there, done that with Ruth - I survived, so even if it goes completely tits up with Megan, I should hopefully survive it.

I'll get back to you - in the meantime, be happy!

Thursday 5th July 2007:

2007-07-05T00:00:00+01:00

Thursday 5th July 2007: 6.28pm. Once again here I am feeling groggy drinking a cup of tea after rather a lack of sleep last night! I have been back here from being home in Ireland for a week and a half now, and there is no let up in substantial change occurring within.

This has caused problems. Last night myself and Johanna had one of the biggest bust ups since we broke up, and we both haven't had much sleep since then. I suppose the best way to approach this is from my side and then her side, and I'll ask her to check everything before I publish. Why on earth would I stick a fight into an online journal? Well, you'll see.

From my perspective, a very great deal has happened to me, especially inside my own head, since even the last entry shortly before which Johanna left to go home. My friends at home are either oblivious to the details of what's been happening here for me, or found when I began to detail things that there is just so much stuff, and it's also hard to wrap your head around, that it's impossible to begin to even touch where I'm at within a reasonable timespan.

So that rather unfortunately leaves only the people here in St. Andrews. M- is continuing to throw away the opportunity of all that could be done during our last few weeks - when I came back, she said it was too hard to see me so things waited till last Friday when in all due fairness, we had an absolutely excellent day together. I haven't had such a prolonged period of actually feeling welcome around her in two months, though for some odd reason there are occasional single random days like last Friday when she and I get on so well that it's like the Universe has lurched into some alternate reality momentarily. I treasure those good days.

Now I don't have anyone else from St. Andrews left apart from M- and Johanna. My academic daughter let me down severely just before I left for home by reinventing a conversation we had whereby it became my fault, not hers, for her letting me down, which is the sixth time she's done that since Christmas - and I have had enough of such abuse, whether it's from her or anyone else. So she's gone too - which was one of the hardest decisions I have made during my time in St. Andrews, because unlike the others, she really doesn't have a clue that she makes up fantasy make-believe to explain to herself why she hurts her friends. She actually, literally, has no idea.

M- did do quite a bit for me last Friday. Maybe unbeknownst to her at the time (but I'll come back to that), I did slip in many of the topics I've been thinking about recently. We did spend something like eight hours together (highly unusual given she normally gets too exhausted after three, but there was a break of a few hours half way through), half of those at her work, and it really was very useful to me.

You see, I have no one to talk to about what's going on in my head. I don't have any friends left who are sufficiently up to speed and are easily contactable apart from M- and Johanna. This means I have felt very lonely in recent weeks, with so much to talk about, and only myself to do so with. It also meant that I had been very much looking forward to Johanna returning, because I really need a friend right now.

Of course, this put tremendous pressure on Johanna. I had thought given how well she had handled the time around the end of May, which was far more serious, that now would be a relative cinch. After all, all she needs to do is sit & chat with me and also read the 16,000 words or so of stuff I have written to various people. Obviously she isn't expected to provide me with any answers, as I sure don't know them myself, just to ask questions and basically hold my hand while I talk to myself through her. Surely not hard?

Reading this description now kinda makes me laugh. OF COURSE it would be hard. In fact, what I ask now is FAR HARDER than the end of May, though it took us shouting at one another last night for me to get that. End of May I was in a situation where she could take definite action, which she did. These past six days, from her perspective, are vastly worse because she feels absolutely & totally powerless - ALL she can do is sit & chat, which seems to her a complete and total failure. She hadn't realised till last night that that is the BEST one can do in these situations - she had thought she was failing me by not providing a definite solution.

Because of being so overwhelmed, she had been subconsciously avoiding me much as M- does. Avoiding engaging with me, avoiding deep conversations, staying away from home as much as possible, and avoiding even beginning to tackle the 16,000 words of assorted emails, essays & letters I have output in the last three weeks. She felt that unlike before, it all fell onto her and her alone, because I had no one else. And because she wouldn't admit to herself that she couldn't cope, subconsciously she began to treat me like M-.

Of course, being treated like M- treats me got me seriously worked up. I began thinking that I was turning everyone who had been my friend into an M-, which means there is something seriously fucked up with me. That started a spiral downwards for me as I desperately searched for someone to talk to, not least that I stupidly leaked recent events in Johanna's life which are private to her to others, which then spread, which then caused certain parties who want to punish me for hurting M-, S- and I- to use that information to punish Johanna, and thereby hurt me. I would even go so far as to say that they hoped that by doing this they hoped it would blow back onto M- and perhaps get me to hurt her again even after I promised her I would never do so ever again (in response to her ten dislikes in the previous entry). I'm sure what I'm about to say will generate emails suggesting I may be suffering from paranoia again, but this is but a taste of what is to come for me & Johanna next semester anyway when all the students get back - we've all been expecting it, and have discussed what forms it might take for some time now. I hadn't expected it to happen with so few students around though - there isn't enough critical mass to make it very effective. Put in a nutshell - the conversation I had with I- and S- outside Aikman's, which M- enabled, I knew would come with a hefty price to be paid by Johanna, not me, because the payback would be unfairly dumped on her as I have no other friends left for them to utilise in order to get at me. They feel a need to strike back, and they shall, and Johanna will bear the brunt.

I really do demand far too much from Johanna. Not only am I very high maintenance, even just as a friend as M- can surely testify, I keep dumping stuff on her through my actions. It is very selfish of me. I could have played things differently - not made such a point of it, and thus not have invited such retribution. I certainly could have been far more subtle, but then I could say that about myself ever since I was born. Despite my best efforts to try otherwise, I have found that I am simply not effective if I am not a sledgehammer.

I am also demanding more emotional support from Johanna right now than I ever did when we were going out. This is partially because I have no one else to talk to, but also because she is the most capable of talking about these topics out of anyone I know in this world. These topics are hard, very hard, and as Johanna says, it's like I am ripping out a piece of her soul. She is only twenty-three years old, and this stuff she shouldn't have to think about for many years yet, so I am forcing her through these conversations to perceive the Universe at a level which scares the living shit out of her. Hey, it scares me enough as it is, especially what it all must mean, so for her who had been looking forward to a fun & carefree summer now she had finally extricated herself from a series of long-term relationships, well, I can't imagine anything more horrible for her right now really.

I really am a right bastard. I just keep shitting on her. And I am genuinely so sorry that I treat her like this. But I am very, very sure that by Christmas I shall be treating her vastly better indeed - the shit-storm I invoked end of term should have passed by mid-November, and I should have worked through most of this stuff in my head within a month, so all this crap I dump on her will stop. And she will get next semester her space, and her fun, and her freedom from me at long, long last. It's well overdue - and she more than deserves it.

I mentioned above about M- knowing or not knowing what's going on in my head. For the second time in six weeks, she recently enabled me to solve a riddle which I partially had posed to her last Friday. This riddle had been causing me a great deal of worry & concern, mainly as it affected the future happiness of Johanna, and for the second time she created a solution for me (the first time being when she enabled that confrontation with I- and S-).

Now much as with the first time, one can take this recent action in two ways. M- read the last entry, and strongly disagreed with my suggestion that she enabled that based on partially wanting to use me as an instrument for revenge. She said it came from within, from a higher place somehow. I at the time took an "even stevens" approach - I felt it was probably something of many motives.

However, this recent action also could be viewed as her having bad motives. Yet it enabled a major solution for me - again - and in the long run, the information garnered will prove very useful. In effect, she created a lesson for me which while painful now, is FAR better experienced now than experienced later when cold, harsh reality would make things vastly worse. Put in a nutshell, she did to me what I've done to her since October: taught me a painful lesson now to save me much future pain.

Now she didn't intend it, and certainly didn't plan it. But nevertheless, she did me and Johanna a great favour indeed and I am very grateful. And furthermore, now she's done it twice, I am far more inclined to now believe that revenge had NO part to play in the earlier action. Lightning doesn't strike twice. She has tapped herself into something, and somehow or other given the extremely scant details I gave her last Friday, she was on exactly the same page as myself. I find that pretty damn amazing, too amazing for coincidence.

II always found that I- had a remarkable knack for spotting & opening opportunities ie; spotting & opening doors - she & I have made a great team. S- has a remarkable knack for kicking over ant hills in exactly the right way to maximally enable creation & growth. M- now it would appear is beginning to have a remarkable knack for creating opportunities which generally speaking is the hardest skill of them all, because it contains all the other skills.

There is a very great deal more I could now write about growth creation, but it's now 8pm and I want to stop typing soon. The greatest among us are those who competently manipulate the flows of energies throughout the Universe for betterment of all. They are very few indeed, and they are universally despised & hated, but this is God's work at its purest. As energy interacts with matter it exudes an effect, thereafter increasingly conveying more information (entropy), and subsequently loses its effect on matter. Energy thus is converted into information, and structure is maintained, built and evolved into higher states.

Many can use this ability for personal gain, or even to enable mass genocide. These people are respected and feared. Only a few are selfless enough to serve. These people are disrespected and feared. This situation needs to be reversed in my new Economic model. This is a "Sponsoring Thought" which if changed, changes the world.

Be happy!

Sunday 29th July 2007:

2007-07-29T00:00:00+01:00

Sunday 29th July 2007: 11.30am. A lot of students spending their summers in St. Andrews are finding it boring here - a lack of people means a lack of things to do, and they find themselves yearning for the excitement of term time. I can't say I have found that myself, nor has Johanna for that matter. People like us seem to create drama out of nothing. It certainly has not been boring!

Now the last three weeks have seemed like about five to me. In fact, when I started this diary entry and was figuring out the dates, I was genuinely surprised to realise that only three weeks have elapsed since the last entry. But there's a good reason for that, and it's because I asked M- out (as in, to become boyfriend & girlfriend) on the Sunday following the last entry.

To this she did not react well. She proceeded to completely ignore me until I sent her a nasty text the following Friday, then she ignored me some more till I sent a text asking "What are you doing? Are you really sure you want to be doing this?" the following Tuesday. On that Tuesday when she met up with me for an hour, I gave her the following poem (which is more of a song):

It's hardly all my own work - I have near zero lyrical ability, Johanna did most of it - nevertheless, the words are mine. And I probably shouldn't put that online as many will think highly ill of me as a result - it will seem like I am bullying her - but then I am rather proud of it, and I got her permission to do so beforehand. At the end of May, M- plus compadres very nearly destroyed me, and I have worked my ass off to forgive them for it - so for me, to have moved in less than two months from that state to one where I could ask her out, I think a very great achievement indeed. I know that will sound like I am bragging and "proving" myself in public, but well arse to it - this diary has never been about about me coming off well or looking good, it's about what I am currently thinking & feeling, warts & all.

The following Thursday she got real emotional and had a panic attack down the phone at me because she hadn't been able to think of anything else other than that I had asked her out since I had asked her out - hence her avoiding me like the plague. Last Monday, she finally consented to a date - so I laid on the full spread with flowers, a roast duck meal prepared entirely by my own hand, and copious amounts of alcohol.

This did actually go very well. But I got nothing out of it, not even a kiss - which isn't important in itself, but rather as an underlying signifier of intent & emotion. And during this past week I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I was being messed around and being taken advantage of, which I told her last night, after which she promptly appeared quite by surprise at my door.

Thereupon she admitted that she was not ready - she really wanted to be ready, so much so she was trying to delude herself that she was, but in reality she wasn't. And hence the answer is no, which is why I can finally write a diary entry about it.

Now I'm sure I'm going to get emails etc. pointing out that women can't be rushed, that just because I can bounce from having been nearly destroyed to forgiveness in such a short period doesn't mean that the destroyer can so easily do the same. Some may even suggest that precisely because of this transition that I wanted to date her to facilitate my own forgiveness of her, and that therefore my motivations were impure. And of course, I am sure the majority will take the view that this is some form of unhealthy obsession, that I best be rid of her from my life, and well to that I can tell you that it's back to the old plan of permanently saying goodbye early next September.

Nevertheless, I have been in love with the girl for some time, and I'm pretty sure the same is in return, and despite all the drama, hurt & heartache, we do bring a great deal of joy to one another. Rather like me and Ruth, though M- is very considerably more reasonable than Ruth (M- actually listens to me!). But I do agree with those who have strongly advised against a repeat of me & Ruth with M- that unless M- really, really, truly & genuinely wants a relationship with me, and furthermore is willing to do everything necessary to create one, then it is doomed to repeat the Ruth episode. I may not seem like I learn from my past mistakes sometimes, but I'm not stupid - any woman I've ever gone out with has to really, really badly, want to date me if it's going to work at all. After all, look at the shit I put Johanna through (eg; last entry) - I'm a very difficult person, very demanding, and unless the woman really wants it, I am intolerable.

Which raises the question of why don't I make myself considerably less demanding and intolerable? After all, who am I to feel sorry for myself when I am like this? Do I not deserve total loneliness with such a problematic attitude problem?

My attitude problem most definitely stems from insecurity. I demand bravery in the face of adversity from my friends - as anyone who has spent any time around me can testify, I am rather intense and overwhelming and that's just to my friends. To girlfriends, the problem is magnified tenfold. I keep taking the view that they have to be able to handle such intensity if they're going to go out with me, so I keep being even more intense at the beginning as so to dissuade them from getting involved with me if they can't handle it (hence giving M- that poem above, or bringing her flowers at her workplace - that's heavy & intense). Normal people would just chill out and let things evolve gradually on their own, so it's definitely my own insecurities of letting someone become close and trusting them.

I fear being let down. That fear has led me to being let down by almost everyone I am close to in St. Andrews this past year - if you expect it, you will receive it. I'm going to have to do something about that - friends & girlfriends aren't soldiers or a combat unit where you have each other's back or you're all dead. Such an extreme view of love & relationships eliminates almost all of reality.

But I will have plenty of spare time next academic year - I only have two friends I'll be able to see left here, so I'll see what I can do about myself. Be happy everyone!

Wednesday 13th June 2007:

2007-06-13T00:00:00+01:00

Wednesday 13th June 2007: 10pm. I have just woken up after a two and a half hour nap and until this cup of tea I am drinking takes effect, I am feeling really rather groggy! But I was absolutely exhausted, mostly due to lack of sleep - I went to bed last night at 11pm because I was so tired, but couldn't sleep until at least 5am and I am refusing to let myself sleep in past 12pm. But then I suppose I have a lot to think about - even more substantial change continues.

I got back my exam results - I received a third for the Corporate Finance, which was very, very disappointing as I had been due for a high first. It's one of my strongest subjects, and it should have been a breeze, but I had had about two hours of sleep the night before due to the collective failings of M-, S- and I- so well, shit happens. Straight after that exam the three of them arrived at my house and all five of us (Johanna was there too as she lives with me) spent the afternoon thrashing things out - I remember Johanna cooking us all sausages for lunch. The most productive conversation myself and M- began that afternoon continued for the next two days which led to us co-writing that Socratic dialogue on subconscious self-destructivity I mentioned in the previous entry. That night, being very exhausted, I took a very early night and slept through to my Sustainable Development exam the following morning and despite the total lack of study, I somehow managed a reasonably high first. Sadly, due to the S-coding, very high and very low marks (as compared to your average across your entire time here) get discounted.

I wrote the last entry on Monday 28th May. That was an interesting point of time. The previous Friday (officially the last night of term) was a moment of transition in my life, when old things definitely ended and new things began. To be specific, I had been walking home at about 12.45am as Johanna was wanting to go out and get trashed with her friends as she wouldn't be seeing them again for a while, and I didn't think it a good idea for me to get any more drunk seeing as she wouldn't be coming home that night. M- had seen me walk past from the door of Aikman's, and ran after me. This led to quite a discussion on South Street, in which I made my position & views of her recent behaviour extremely clear, and I remember feeling at the time so proud of how well she handled me because I was being very difficult indeed.

M- then enabled me to have a discussion with S- and I- with whom she had been drinking in Aikman's. Well, when I say discussion, I would more say that I brought home to them in a very, very clear way just what they had done. The previous Wednesday when we thrashed things out, I had made it extremely clear that the destructive behaviour stop immediately, or else I walk for good - the previous night I had set up a situation where each of the three had a series of choices to make, and had just one of them chosen to act selflessly just once, the whole issue would have dissipated. Ok, that was real nasty & manipulating of me, but I had spent the previous two years trying to tell them with words about how poisonous their selfishness is, and they wouldn't listen, so I created an artificial situation where a series of their own selfish choices would lead to a cascade reaction of things spiralling rapidly downwards. Hence you see my lack of sleep, because I knew f from their absolute silence (ie; no text messages and no phone calls) that they had behaved exactly as I had hoped they wouldn't - but had expected they would.

M-, realising her role in the previous night, had actually done something about it in response to my ultimatum ie; co-write the dialogue with me. S- and I- and indeed every other person M- socialises with punished her severely for doing that because they chose to see it as betrayal, her stirring things up needlessly and her moving to the dark side (ie; to me). That led me to another bad episode the following Saturday night, which led me to cut off I- and S- completely forever with a simple & short text message. I think though they hadn't quite realised how serious I was being - it was all a game to them eg; Niall being silly - so M- enabled that confrontation, partially out of wanting revenge for how they had treated her, partially because they were living in a bubble which needed bursting, and partially because it was about time that they got a dose of my suffering back at them - which is something M- understands intimately given all the pain I have caused her since she failed me last October.

According to M-, the effects were devastating. Johanna thinks what I said to S- and I- in those twenty minutes was vindictive, but I really don't think it was. It was truthful, very very truthful - I remember opening up my full abilities to the max, and in those twenty minutes I delivered a message to their subconsciousnesses about the reality of their true nature which they will never forget - without being unnecessarily hurtful, without lying, and without malice. It's a testament to how well M- handled me only ten minutes or so before, because S- and I- did exactly the wrong thing by trying the same old excuse making shit on me instead of listening and trying to understand and being respectful. So I delivered my message to them, brutally for sure, breaking past all the normal psychological illusions people use to make sense of the world. But this was a message that I nearly died to deliver, and I knew I'd never see either ever again anyway so I could afford to burn some bridges.

So all that happened the Friday previous to the last entry. What happened next unfortunately ticked predictably like clockwork. I had pleaded with M- to help me that Friday night, begged her to do something, to be a friend to me. I had some texts from her on the following Saturday, then the following Wednesday she sent me an email to say she wasn't comfortable meeting my sister after that Friday night. I replied quite lengthily to that email detailing my current state of mind at the time, and the following Saturday I had a text from her to say she would need time to process such a lengthy email which was a week and a half ago. She was being afraid again.

I spoke last entry of the confusion I felt about what to do about her. That confusion had lasted throughout that time period. She kept stringing me along, performing a holding action, but not actually doing anything about it as I had begged her to do. For me these last few weeks have proceeded incredibly slowly - days seemed like weeks. But I knew that for her time would be proceeding rapidly, characterised by trying to not think about things, so I gave it a while. This time last week it dawned to me that she was going to do nothing - fail me yet again - and after that the way forward became clear. I told her by text last Friday (the two week anniversary of that night in Aikman's) that as of next September, we would not see one another again. As she told me yesterday, her immediate reaction was "Niall is breaking up with me!" and she has had a difficult weekend since.

However, it cannot really be any other way. I know I said I'd give her a chance, but if you think about it, it's unworkable after the summer. The girls really have trashed my reputation here in St. Andrews to the extent that I am no longer welcome in any of the social groups we both have. That leaves me with virtually no social opportunities at all. I feel somewhat upset by this, but I also think it rather a good thing in a way - these people should have known better. I have behaved impeccably since I arrived here, it's just that it doesn't look that way if you don't know the backstory. And these mutual social groups should have wondered about why I have done the things I have done instead of just assuming I was being nasty & vindictive because the girls have painted me that way - when in fact, I was really being precisely the opposite.

I think this all works out very well indeed. Sure, I have come out pretty badly from this, lost my reputation and a lot of friends but then none were actually really friends to begin with as has become extremely obvious of late. I could be angry, point to all that I have done for each and all of them over the years, but I'm not angry anymore. Just hurt & disappointed. Since last Wednesday, I accept my fate - this all can become very good for me indeed.

I explained all this to M- yesterday, and I think she agrees that there is no longer any choice. Were we to remain in contact during fourth year, it would be very messy and difficult indeed. I have decided that I am to play absolutely no further part in their, or their social groups, lives whatsoever after early September. So I have suggested to her that we make this summer the most fun possible, perhaps to try and make up to one another all the pain & hurt we've caused each other over the past year.

We were already heading in that direction anyway as I suggested to her the day after that Friday in Aikman's that she try to figure out why she won't be a friend to me. She did say that Friday night that it's because she doesn't like me, so I suggested that we write out the top ten things we like & dislike most about one another. Here's what I wrote about M-:

Likes:		Dislikes:
1. She is one of the cutest girls I have ever known, especially naked.		1. Being always afraid when there is usually no reason.
2. Her smile and her eyes.		2. Being paralysed by fear when fear should mean cause for action.
3. Her mournfulness & seriousness.		3. The constant negativity when positivity would be far more useful.
4. I really like being around her and spending time with her.		4. She won't be a friend to me. She won't look after me.
5. She tries to listen to me and keeps trying to understand even though I have hurt her so much.		5. Her mournfulness & seriousness.
6. She is really interesting and intelligent.		6. The constant lying and breaking of promises.
7. She is the most lovely, caring person to people. She has a very pleasant nature about her.		7. She keeps hurting me.
8. She tries to improve herself.		8. She is the most lovely, caring person to people until she gets to know them or care about them.
9. She treats me with respect & dignity even though I have hurt her so much.		9. She keeps isolating herself & disconnecting herself from others.
10. She puts up with my eccentricities & quirks.		110. She often doesn't realise the difference between when I am just being eccentric/quirky or when I am being very, very serious.

In case you're wondering, yes I do have her permission to publish that. I also have her permission to publish her list which she wrote after reading mine. I scanned it in because I am framing it with a picture of her to sit next to my bed from September on:

I'm not exactly sure why it's so important that I stick those four lists on to the internet for how many billion people to see for all eternity. Especially as her real name will probably never be published here, so no one will ever know who she is. But I guess that she's someone that I have loved as much as any girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure that she loves me just as much in return, so when she says that I'm breaking up with her, she is sort of right. We've had all the shit from a bad relationship, just none of the fun, sex or good times really. Despite how awful it's been for both of us from the beginning, our love for one another has strengthened and grown despite the odds, and I think that's why I want this published here. This is a perfect example of the essence of human nature at work - what is the true source of hope in a world gone mad. As I wrote at the start of our Socratic dialogue to I-:

Niall: This dialogue is a composite of conversations that M- and I have had since yesterday afternoon when I set you that ultimatum. If two people, who have hurt one another as much as we have this past year, can come together and jointly write something like this, then I think it really demonstrates something important. It really has been most insightful.

It's hard to convey how I feel right now, reading her list and that quote. I would best describe it as a sense of awe, gratefulness and humility. I feel so proud - of her, of humanity itself, and of the world. And I just wanted to say that in this diary, conclude with how I am feeling, and my thanks to her for letting me publish that.

Anyway, it's after midnight now, and because of my nap I'm not that tired, but I think I might go for a walk somewhere. Be happy everyone!

Later that day ... It is now 3.13am and I have just returned from my walk. At this time of year, the sun never really sets in St. Andrews - you get this twilight, and I decided to walk to the Northern beach past the golf course so I could properly witness it next to the sea. Curiously enough, just as I was walking past Aikman's, M- rang me as I had wanted voice confirmation that I could print the above rather than just a text. So I decided to join her for a pint, then I walked her and A- back to their home before continuing to the beach.

I had wanted M- to come with me, I think she even knew that without me having to say it. But I knew I was intruding, I had been around her when she hadn't prepared for it beforehand, and as always she reacts to that by becoming defensive & trivial. And besides I had watched her during the night so obviously shrouded in fear - marinated in it - that she could not have seen what I saw as I watched the waves wash across the shore as the tide came in, under a sun which never sets. A pity. But I knew she was there with me as she lay in her bed at home, probably wondering if she should send me a text message but too afraid to do so [NOTE: stop the press, just received an email from her sent at 3.08am in reply to my promises I made to never again do half of the bad points she listed!].

It's a funny world we live in. I don't laugh at the oddity of life enough. But I sure did chuckle as I walked home! Be very happy everyone!

Monday 28th May 2007:

2007-05-28T00:00:00+01:00

Monday 28th May 2007: 5.37pm. This diary is now NINE years old - how nuts! It's not been a fun month of May for me at all sadly. It started out very well, but within just a few days it became very bad indeed and it has stayed pretty bad since then. I missed my Economics exam completely and have totally screwed up Corporate Finance and Sustainable Development, so I have had the entire semester S-coded which means it is partially eliminated from the final degree classification process. This is very unfortunate, because I should have achieved three firsts this semester.

Since last October when S- and M- failed to be there for me after Johanna broke up with me, I have been undergoing bouts of depression the most recent of which I mentioned in here was two entries ago in the March entry. I said at the time that S- and I- had lifted my spirits by visiting me each Friday, and indeed then it was true. But as I realise now, it was the difference between prettiness and beauty - they were lifting my spirits sure, but by quite fake means. I now realise that they were not being genuine, and in fact only were bothering with me at all because they had more fun that way - in other words, I gave them my house to drink in and cook in. They were using me.

The extent to which S- and I- have been taking advantage of me has only become clear in the last two weeks. They in fact couldn't give a toss about me, and indeed never have given a damn about me past what they could extract from me - or when I kicked up a fuss, they did some reactive action to keep me compliant, but it was never genuine, never for me - only ever for them. I hereby apologise to all those who had been warning me about this and telling me quite strongly to drop them for many months now (indeed, since October) - but all I can say is that I do listen, it's just I needed to see it for sure myself. They are very, very good at lying - faking being a friend to someone - and the best part is that consciously they don't even know they are doing it. Yet when you look at their actions, ignoring all their fine & fancy words, their motives become clear and in these they have been very consistent in their selfishness for a long time - it's all just a game for them, just a game to be played so they win. Focus on the actions, not the words. The actions don't lie.

Anyway, they're gone for good now. I don't like betrayal, and I really don't like people pretending to be a friend to me, and saying all these things which are what they think I want to hear. I place a great emphasis on trust and honesty, and whether you intentionally were doing it or not is irrelevant to what you actually did do. Not knowing why you act as you do is an excuse - it works for the first time you do something, but if you keep doing it again and again then it becomes a justification for bad behaviour and then one is simply being pathetic, especially if you couldn't be bothered finding out why you do such things. I have little time for deliberate helplessness - plenty of patience for those who try their best, but if you aren't even arsed trying, then you can fuck off in my opinion because you deserve no sympathy whatsoever.

Now had S- and I- been honest in never having been my friend, and admitting that they couldn't give a damn about me, everyone's lives would have been much easier. I wouldn't have had to cut them off, or hurt them, or create all these problems for everyone like manipulating them into a situation where they had several choices to make, and their individual selfishness became very obvious through their choices for everyone to see. Life would be so much simpler and easier, and I like simplicity and easiness.

S- and I- are easy decisions though. They lied to me, betrayed me, and kept on doing it even after I gave them an absolute last chance ultimatum last Wednesday week, so they're gone for good. A painful decision but very clear cut, though I will still always love them anyway. My big problem recently is M-. Now unlike S- or I-, she has never pretended to be anything better than a crappy friend to me - since October at least anyway. She has freely admitted just how useless she is to me, how she goes out to hurt me and annoy me, and generally does her best to push me away. The obvious solution is to be no better back to her, but well I have problems doing that. Either I am someone's friend or I am not. Either they are my friend or they are not. Either we are on good terms or we are not. It's unfortunately how I work - with relationships, on certain fundamentals, I am very black & white. This is not to say that with many other things I have no problems with shades of gray - for example, my relationship with many ex-girlfriends is considerably more intimate than many would consider healthy. For me at least, I have no problems with fuzziness there - so long as I trust them, and know they will be there for me should I need them, well that's all that matters - these are very much black & white issues for me, because I consider them the core fundamentals of ANY relationship and they are inviolate.

Now with M-, I can't trust her as she has failed me umpteen times. She has never been there for me even once - indeed, until three weeks ago, she had never even bought me a drink in over two years despite that I have often bought her a drink. In fact, she has been SO crap it would seem like she actively has been trying to be so crap, because if she were really indifferent then she'd just be mildly crap, but with M- she actively goes out to be as bad as possible.

Nevertheless, she has been making an actual effort since Easter for the first time ever. We've actually been having fun together. We co-wrote an excellent Socratic dialogue after that Wednesday ultimatum upon the nature of subconscious self-destructivity. I find it all very, very confusing. On the one hand she obviously fails the black & white really important core fundamental requirements of a friend. On the other, she hasn't lied about it, pretended otherwise and apparently at least is making an attempt to become better.

So, I am giving her a chance as I have told her. I am finding the ambiguity very difficult indeed - given the recent betrayal of people I love and will always love, it is very tempting to cut out all the cancer - if you're doing nothing for me, then good bye. But that seems unfair to me - not Christian - and she has moved from lying constantly to me (ie; betrayal through telling me what she thought I wanted to hear) before October to just being crap in neither a positive nor a negative way by never doing anything at all. That's an improvement of a sort, and Rome wasn't built in a day, but I do find the deliberate helplessness, the constant "can't do" attitude and the never ending excuse making rather than DOING SOMETHING, anything at all, pathetic and weak. I find it intolerable, and it gets me very frustrated indeed because I have no sympathy for time wasters. So I guess I'm just going to have to somehow get over myself, suck it all down and get on with the summer.

Why the hell do people have to be so fucking lame? It's really as easy as saying "I want this to be different", choosing to believe it to be so, and creating & maintaining that world view thereafter until you choose to see the world differently (and hopefully better) again. Such is growth. Is it really so bloody hard to grow when the one DEFINING characteristic of all life is that it grows? You'd think it would be second nature, but for these people, growth is to be prevented & perverted at all costs. What sad, pathetic fuckers! But that's being self-destructive for you - poison in motion. It leeches into everything around it, subverting it, turning everything bad like a miasma. It must be so very lonely for them.

Ok, time to take my sister to look around St. Andrews - she has been sent here by my father to determine if I am mental or not. Be happy!

Sunday 22nd April 2007:

2007-04-22T00:00:00+01:00

Sunday 22nd April 2007: 5.10pm. After some amount of mucking around, I now have this front page on nedprod fully compliant with XHTML v1.0 Transitional and nearly fully compliant with XHTML v1.1 - the only three problems are the use of the HTML instead of XHTML MIME type, <a name> and <a href target> all of which I have to keep in order to maintain compatibility with older HTML browsers. I'm going to keep all the older pages on nedprod in HTML v4.0, but new pages will also be in XHTML v1.1. I have to admit that I have no interest in ever upgrading past v1.1 as it looks like XHTML v2.x will fully break backward compatibility with older browsers - and let's face it, none of the current browsers can even fully do XHTML v1.0 yet!

This change has been made possible by my moving from Microsoft Frontpage to Microsoft Expression Web which occurred as part of installing stuff onto the new computer. Expression Web produces leaner code than Frontpage and it's also entirely standards conformant - the validation tool inside Expression Web actually matches exactly the official W3 one, and Expression Web handles UTF-8 files perfectly despite putting the non-standard BOM at the start. Even better, despite having nothing in common with Frontpage, it's still backwards compatible with Frontpage extensions so my navigation bar on the left which Frontpage automatically keeps updated as an insert in every page on nedprod still works. In fact, I really have to say that my experience with Expression Web so far has been almost perfect - my only issue has been the lack of a tool to fully automate upgrading old HTML into XHTML (it does a lot automatically, but it could do more) and it also annoyingly lacks showing what you type as you type by a few centiseconds, but that's still better than Frontpage which used up 100% of your CPU as your web page got longer. Oh - there is one other niggle - like Internet Explorer, it doesn't understand the .xhtml file extension which is required to get Apache to give the correct MIME type to web browsers.

One of the advantages of this web format upgrade is that I can now do this:

ِسْمِ ٱللَّهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٟنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ	The beginning of the Quran in Arabic
अग्नमीळे पुरोतं यज्ञस्य दवं त्वीजम	The beginning of the Rig Veda in Sanskrit
‏בְּרֵאשִׁ֖ית בָּרָ֣א אֱלֹהִ֑ים אֵ֥ת הַשָּׁמַ֖יִם וְֵ֥ת הָאָֽרֶץ׃	The beginning of the Torah in Hebrew (note it goes right to left)
Βίβλος γενέσεως Ἰησοῦ Χριτοῦ υἱοῦ Δαυὶδ υἱοῦ Ἀβραάμ	The beginning of the Gospel of Matthew in the New Testament in Greek

Sadly not all of the above will show correctly on all web browsers - you'll likely see some of the characters missing with boxes in their place. As web browser and operating system support for Unicode improve, those boxes will vanish.

Ok, so what's been happening in my life recently? Well as it always is after Easter in St. Andrews, things have been changing very quickly indeed. Obviously I now have my new computer, I ended up overclocking it from 1.8Ghz to 3.4Ghz by a straight increase of the FSB and memory from their default of 800/400 to 1512/756 which only required a modest increase in voltage to maintain stability. I also managed to reduce memory timings at that speed from 5-5-5-18-23-2T to 4-4-4-12-16-1T which is amazing for the cheapest & nastiest 800Mhz memory I could find. I was able to take the system to a stable 3.6Ghz with the memory at its proper 800Mhz but this required a hefty voltage increase, an extra 90W of power consumption and therefore much increased heat output so I have settled for 3.4Ghz. At this speed, the system only consumes 115W when idle and 225W when busy - almost exactly the same as the old machine did when idle. I am therefore expecting to save nearly half my electricity bill as the old computer made up a large part of the total bill. The new computer also has a wide variety of operating systems installed on it - apart from the lack of SATA support in Apple Mac OS X, they all work very well indeed. It should make an excellent & powerful development workstation this summer break which is only a few weeks away now. Now if only I could sell the old motherboard and parts for a reasonable price ...

My personal life has been difficult recently. I did something very bad to a close friend during the Easter break which was three weeks ago now, and while we are currently estranged I'd doubt we shall be in a week's time. The last few weeks I have been very much questioning my ethics and motives, most especially as everything else running parallel to it has continued without pause (as is usual this time of year). I have begun to spend much more time with the friend that failed me last October with a view to burying the hatchet and moving on, and despite that so far we have had much fun, there can be little doubt that I and she will get hurt once again - nevertheless, the lesson in all of this is what you do about it when it happens - friends embrace the bad as well as the good, and without both one has a lopsided and ultimately doomed friendship.

On the work front, as is also usual this time of year, I have not been able to invest as much effort as is possible earlier in the year, and the marks do show it. As is also normal, I have about one major piece of coursework due each week and I have been juggling that with the interpersonal demands required of me this time of year. This is not to say that I don't willingly do this - I find this time of year to be very alive, as everyone grows so much and so quickly and I certainly am enjoying myself as well as growing myself a lot too. This is worth a few percentage points drop in coursework, and I don't think I'll regret this choice if it caused the difference between a first and 2.1 in a year's time.

One thing of particular concern recently has been my finances. I have had a surplus of money for most of my time here, but I went £380 over budget in January and February and I have been trying to restrain myself since then. So far despite trying to pay back £100 a month I have actually only broken even - so at least I am no worse off. But I do feel worse off - constantly having to not spend money unnecessarily means you lose a lot of spontaneity and feel guilt when others buy you drinks. With the purchase of the new computer at £515 I should be sitting at -£990 in my bank account at the end of this month when the rent comes out - so I am relying on lean summer spending to reduce that by £750 by summer's end. It should be possible to save £250 per month - that's the amount which goes on non-food and credit card expenditures after all ordinary costs - but we shall see.

Shortly we'll be having the Sir Crispin Tickell lecture - I'll be able to move on this this coming Wednesday when we get the funding situation confirmed. I have an essay due for Wednesday I'll be starting shortly, then another for the following Wednesday. No doubt I have plenty more coming for me on the personal front as well - it's all going to be very, very busy - what fun! Be happy!

Thursday 8th March 2007:

2007-03-08T00:00:00+00:00

Thursday 8th March 2007: 6.05pm. Things have been noticeably brighter last two weeks - I think entirely helped by weekly Friday visits to my home here by S- and I- where despite being very, very tired (especially last Friday), I did have a lot of fun. Additionally, I quite fancy this girl I've met though rather unfortunately she's a fourth year and of course will be leaving for good within three months. It's quite a thought that we all have just over a year to go. Nevertheless, I must admit that for the last week this girl I fancy has quite illuminated my life, and much of the world feels right again.

Also now I've started handing bits of coursework in and getting back (so far) very high grades it's taken off a lot of the pressure and that guilt if you do your own stuff when you think you should be studying. That gets better as the term progresses of course, and already last weekend was very definitely a nexus point as we have had every year around this time. Such weekends are highly emotional, and set in train a great deal of consequence later on this semester. So far, this semester looks like it'll be even more fucked up than previous semesters .... it's going to get interesting.

I still don't have my new computer, much to my chagrin! I am waiting on just one part, but sadly the most important: the motherboard. I specifically want the MSI P6N Platinum rather than its cheaper cousin the MSI P6N SLI-FI, but the Platinum edition is on sale in every part of the world except Britain!!!

Now the reason I specifically want this one is the heatpiping (the copper piping stuff you can see above). Heatpipes are like little refrigeration units - they use latent heat of fusion (ie; the energy it takes to turn water into stream) to rapidly shift heat from one place to another. Not only are they cool (and look cool), they seriously improve motherboard cooling which is rather important as I'll be converting the cheapest processor Intel sell into something faster than the most expensive one they sell. This fiddling with the electronics can generate a lot of extra heat, hence the desire for heatpiping.

Speaking of heat, I have bought a power monitor for £15 which is basically a socket with a LCD display telling you how much power the plugged in item consumes. I bought this for my MN4238 essay which requires me to enact an action plan to improve sustainability, so I was thinking I could do with reducing our electricity bill which has always been unusually high.

Now I had been pretty sure it was me leaving my ancient dual 1700 Athlon desktop computer turned on 24/7 where it acts as a server, but of course I never had any idea just how much power it actually consumes. Well now I know, and it's disturbing: it consumes 4W when turned off (it never is, so that doesn't matter), 228W when turned on but doing nothing and 221W when fully occupied (eg; encoding video).

Anyone familiar with computers will know why that result is disturbing! Computers for the last ten years plus are supposed to have an idle state which saves power so when it's idle it uses less power. My desktop actually uses more power when idle, the opposite of what it's supposed to do! As a comparison, Johanna's laptop uses 8W when off, 38W when on but idle and 83W when fully occupied.

Modern computers are far more energy aware than older ones, and the new one should be able to significantly reduce the power consumption at least when idle, not least due to the far more efficient power supply unit I have purchased. This directly impacts our bills of course ... electricity currently costs about 10p per kWh, so my desktop currently chews up 60p/day or £220 a year! If I could halve that, I'd be much happier. Some might suggest why don't you turn it off when you're not using it? Well, for two reasons: (i) it's always in use over the internet and (ii) hard disc drives fail vastly more rapidly when you cool them down and heat them up regularly. Right now, I don't have the ability to risk losing data on them due to them being in a RAID 0 configuration (this means that if one drive fails, it takes all the data on the other drive with it). I'll be rectifying this problem with my new hard drive which is big enough to temporarily hold all the data on the old drives while I remove the RAID 0 config. So thus in future I will be able to turn it off far more frequently - or even better, get it to turn itself off and back on automatically.

Okay, time to hunt through the freezer for food! Be happy everyone!

Sunday 18th February 2007:

2007-02-18T00:00:00+00:00

Sunday 18th February 2007: 1.39pm. God, it feels like two months since my last entry - hardly one! I suppose that that's good - it does mean I've been doing plenty of living during the last month. Went to Liverpool, then Barcelona not long after the last entry - both went very well. Once back here, studies began again in earnest - a lot more coursework this semester than last, I feel like second semester in second year (ie; this time last year) where you have this mountain of work to do, and no matter how often you attend to it, you are always feeling like the mountain is growing faster than you can get through it. It's not a pleasant feeling - it's rather like being in a room filling with water.

I think this was part of the feeling of being depressed much of this past week. I was in quite a negative frame of mind, seeing how people are constantly retreading old pointless patterns of behaviour and not doing anything about it except to winge - due to this, I have ceased the coffee date system completely as people had grown complacent. Rather like myself I suppose. I also think that it's been quite some time since I have had a clear 'win' - that article I mentioned last entry for Resurgence ended up getting heavily diluted down from the many thousands to something far lighter which I've put onto my website here. While that was a form of accomplishment, it's nowhere near the original article which is easily heading towards tens of thousands of pages. The rather annoying thing is that like Tn, I know I can write it, it's just I need this coursework off my back to do it. That feeling is so reminiscent of first year - the feeling of doing pointless, worthless crap to get this bit of paper and of all the vastly more productive things I could be doing. I had thought in first year that it would have improved by third & fourth year, but now I realise I was being hopelessly optimistic. For example, in third year we are still learning exactly the same Economics as first year - almost down to the same topic each week - but now with extra "added maths". In Management, they have caught up with my contemporary knowledge so now at least they are teaching at a basic level what at least I am interested in, but it's soooo basic - I find it frustrating to read papers claiming things about the carbon cycle which last summer's research proved to be totally specious. And I won't even begin on the thermoeconomics (Buddhist Economics) papers (supposedly state-of-the-art ... what crap!) ...

My mood did improve noticeably yesterday though. In October, as part of that shit storm, my laptop suddenly died and after a great deal of testing I discovered that it was the electrical interface connecting the hard drive. I recently bought a USB enclosure, stuck the hard drive into it and after Friday and yesterday spent playing with the internals of Windows, got my existing Windows installation to boot unmodified from the USB hard drive. If I do say so myself, I am rather proud of myself as according to Microsoft this is impossible. I have written up how I did it here.

So, today is entirely coursework. Most of next week looks like entirely coursework. Nothing other than coursework. Hmm, now I'm feeling depressed again. Time to make a start I guess ... be happy!

Saturday 20th January 2007:

2007-01-20T00:00:00+00:00

Saturday 20th January 2007: 11.32am. Johanna's friends have just left, so now I finally have time to sit down and write up my traditional birthday entry. I finished my exams a long time ago now, well over a week and half and they went reasonably well - I should get a 2.2 overall, maybe a 2.1 which isn't bad given the crappy semester and poor coursework grades I received.

As we limber up to the next semester, I have plenty on my plate. Lots of Future Society lectures, some thermal physics to study, shall be off to Barcelona next week to visit a friend N- who has been having a rough semester. Got a new computer to build whose parts I shall be ordering from Barcelona so they are here when I get back. No shortage of things to be doing ...

Usually this time of year I review my year, and decide the ups and downs. I will say that one particular up of this year was that S- organised the best birthday I have had in at least three years, and unlike the usual depression I feel on my birthday at being one year closer to death and another year of not getting enough accomplished, I actually had a good time. S- let me down badly last semester, but she's made up for it with that birthday - a little effort at the right time can mean a great deal, and she got it spot on - even if as she says herself, it was rather an easy steal. No matter I feel, my initial problem with her was not her intentions but rather her timing, and this time round she greatly improved her timing.

Ok, so major events in my mind of 2006:

Johanna and I broke up
... and thus ending the longest relationship I have ever had. It wasn't much fun, as it never is, but it was less awful than ever before which is mostly due to Johanna being far more sensible than previous girlfriends. But it also had something to do with me having learned to let go rather than trying to assert control of a failing relationship because I didn't want to lose it. I've finally at the age of twenty-nine learned to let things which are dying to die gracefully, which is about time. And here's the surprising jist - her and I are doing better than ever before since we broke up. We appreciate one another far more, and there is no longer that sense that we were in perpetual decline. Now, being broken up, she is far more of a positive thing than she was before, and while I logically expected that that would be the case, I didn't actually expect it as I've rarely (actually, no, I've never) seen that in anyone else I've personally known.
Started on implementing Tn on The World
Now I know everyone thought I was nuts at the time I was starting Tn and saying it could be applied to everything, but hopefully last summer those reading this diary got to see that indeed yes it can. Right now I am finishing up an article on my approach which is somewhat like thermodynamics but also somewhat less Physics-based - after all, we are talking about social phenomena here where intersubjectivisation rules. I learned during the research for this article that I am not the first to think of economic entropy flows, indeed this fringe idea is called thermoeconomics and I just ordered about the only book on it from Amazon with next semester's course books. Interestingly, I have learned that the great Economist Jevons actually pioneered the approach in the 19th century during his discussion of coal!
Reset my relationships with close friends
This past semester has been one (yet again) of having become over-invested in close friends. I am a lonely, fragile person and I find it very easy to get caught up in the lives of (usually dysfunctional so they need me) others. It gets too intense for them, so they hurt me. That took out much of last semester in depression, but then even at the start of that semester one had a sense of impending shrinkage and thankfully I'm old and wise enough by now to realise that the end of one cycle means the birth of a new cycle which appears to have begun just before the Christmas break.

Should I have the Future Society in there? No, I don't think so - while it could be a major achievement of 2006, it was very much seed planting for enabling the PhD funding I want ie; it hasn't yielded much yet except introducing us to quite a few important people (with a lot more very important people to come this semester). In other words, when/if I see the pan-out, then it'll get onto this list though I'd doubt that would even be the 2008 birthday entry.

Right so, back to my article! I hope you all had a great Christmas break, have fun!

Tuesday 19th December 2006:

2006-12-19T00:00:00+00:00

Tuesday 19th December 2006: 12.38pm. Tis the night before I go home for Christmas, and despite the coming 6am start I am not in bed yet despite being very tired given I was up till 5am last night and was up since about 10am this morning. At least I will sleep well!

I am more or less back on form after the worst semester I have been at St. Andrews - these would be my academic daughter's words, but I generally agree. After a good number of weeks of reflection and asking myself if I understand the world correctly, I have moved from self-doubt to creating change. While it is good to deeply question one's motives & interpretation of the world, it is rather incompatible with not getting kicked out because you failed a class test.

The future is what we make it, and I've let that slip the last few months. I will be making up for that during the coming semester when my workload also increases by 50%. It's all good. And it's also time I got moving with the long term vision - I had intended to network for the first two years, now it's time to prune that network of deadweight down to the core nexus points and start leveraging it.

A thought which occurred to me a few nights ago is still speaking to me. Somewhere far off, at the edge of the macro-Universe, energy coalesces into hydrogen gas and in doing so releases massive amounts of high energy gamma radiation (this is not the Big Bang cosmology, it's my own which is the simplest extrapolation of the rule "what goes on Earth goes everywhere"). These high energy gamma rays are immense and make up much of what we call cosmic rays (orthodoxy holds they come from the poles of black holes, but I disagree). That hydrogen is heavily ionised by that radiation, and so organises itself into all the sorts of structures that plasma does (ie; plasma cosmology). As the plasma coalesces, partly through magnetic fields, partly through electric fields and partly through gravity, you get galaxies and stars.

What is a star? A star consists of hydrogen at a high enough pressure that it coalesces into helium and emits yet more gamma radiation (sunlight). That helium may coalesce with other elements to yield all the heavier elements which make our planet up, once again with every step yielding more gamma radiation.

What I find so amazing is the pattern of it all. Energy clumps itself together into denser and denser forms (atoms). Every time it does, it releases the gamma radiation that in turn causes the reorganisation of those atoms - primarily through plasma effects, but also things like gaseous motion which we see as wind. That continual clumping together of energy moves the same energy around! Not just that, but it also organises that energy - much like the far from equilibrium effects you see in plasma, you also get chemical clocks, mimicry and of course DNA and therefore life. You therefore have the process of clumping generating structure!

There is something in this. I feel there is - in there somewhere lies the answer to my puzzle with my Economic model - how precisely does the expending of energy entropy convert into structure entropy? I know I'm seeing it too linearly - we tend to see the degradation of entropy as the "consumption" of energy, but all input energy gets reemitted as heat. Could it be that gravitons are really photons? Is perhaps gravity created by the fact that all macro-matter is continually outputting as many photons as it receives, just at a much higher entropy (lower frequency)? I wonder if the deformation of space-time is really the concentration of photon exchange.

Somehow, in my mind's eye imagining a large lump of cold matter, if you shine a light on it it converts it to heat - it converts the entropy to being internally excited. The matter expands, becomes less dense by an amount proportionate to the amount of energy entropy being consumed by the mass. It also organises itself, building structure - yet that structure increases in complexity forever so long as the same amount of entropy is consumed - which implies that each part of that structure must become more entropy efficient over time. Note that only mass can consume entropy - that is the purpose of mass, to get excited by the clumping together of mass. There is some relation here between space, entropy and time I am still missing - and in it lies my answer.

Anyway, I am off to bed - it is now well past one, and I get up in just over four hours. Be happy!

Friday 17th November 2006:

2006-11-17T00:00:00+00:00

Friday 17th November 2006: 4pm. Things are slowly turning upward. Last two weeks or so have also not been good, but they do feel stabilised at least. And with stability, things can move forward.

Johanna and I have stabilised into some sort of quasi-relationship - we are broken up, and we're partially behaving as though we're single. But we're also partially behaving as though we're still going out which is to be expected as we're both still very much in love with one another - that has never come into question - and of course we still live together. So we still have cuddles, which we probably shouldn't, but then if I'm honest I'd happily have cuddles with anyone (female) I'm close to except they don't tend to allow it unless they're drunk. There is still quite a bit of conflict in my head regarding her - on the one hand I'm happy with her to be off with other men, but on the other hand I worry that I'm not deep down and so I spend a fair bit of time questioning my feelings on the matter. I will get surely hurt, but then I was hurting her while we were going out which is why she ended it (partially) because I was imposing my world view on her.

I have been however continuing to impose my worldview on others with much pain being caused to them as a result. The close friends I ended regular contact with are not happy bunnies and are hurting themselves and me in protest. But again some stability has arisen there - I was being too forgiving, I wasn't liking myself for it and I was deluding myself into thinking they would be there for me when as recent events have shown they would not. Now my mental construction of my relationships with them have been reset, I do feel much happier even if they don't.

I don't feel much like socialising at present - I don't mean with one or two people, but rather in the sense of going to parties or being around larger groups. I don't see that changing any time soon - I never particularly liked it anyway, but I do have a major itch to do something really productive and now seems like the right time. From my recovery after Ruth, I have defined myself through my computer programming works which is a rather lonely affair. Half way through first year, my loneliness caused me to direct more effort into people and I have been burned by that, though less so than on previous occasions. Having been burned, loneliness is looking more palatable again for the time being and I might as well make use of it.

Hence I have decided to upgrade my computer for Christmas as my current one is neither powerful enough nor equipped enough for writing the economic model I plan. I want to make use of graphic processor (GPU) programming in order to massively increase the horsepower available for my economic model and for that I need a newer graphics card, one which nowadays requires PCI Express. My current computer is a dual Athlon 1700 built in 2001 and for less than five hundred quid I can upgrade to an overclocked dual core Intel Core 2 system with an ATI X1950 GPU with commensurate upgrades in hard drive, RAM etc. A nice feature of this upgrade is that I will be able to run Apple Mac OS X on the desktop as well as finally having native Linux and FreeBSD installations as currently I must run these in VMWare on the desktop. The Apple Mac OS X is particularly handy for building and testing PowerPC editions of my software so I can ensure I've got the endian support implemented correctly.This new Intel chip has virtualisation support, so I should be able to run a copy of Linux in parallel with Windows thus making good use of the 2Gb of RAM this new machine will have. Another major advantage is that sometime in the future, I can stuff a quad core processor into the same system and finally get the quad processor system I've always wanted to test Tn upon.

So things are looking up. If nothing else, I very much enjoy building a new computer and seeing just how far I can overclock it and that in itself will do a lot for my happiness. Even better when I get to tune Tn and see what speed increase I get <rubs hands in glee>. Be happy everyone!

Tuesday 31st October 2006:

2006-10-31T00:00:00+00:00

Tuesday 31st October 2006: 8.42pm. It's not been a fun few weeks recently. There has been a run of bad events, and I'm hoping it will stop soon and things turn around.

Chronological is good. The Future Society events have not seen much attendance which is not good, and it was very small at the last lecture on the 12th with about six people. On Friday the 13th a bifurcation point occurred in St. Andrews for almost everyone we know, whereby the system shifted from an old pattern into a new and it was really from this point onwards that things changed. Shortly thereafter my laptop blew up which sucked up much of my free time as I retrieved the contents of its hard drive. Johanna broke off our relationship on the night of Monday the 23rd which then led to a whole pile of ripple - in addition to me entering a depression, some close friends failed to be there for me, one for the second time, so last Sunday the 29th I told them I was breaking off regular contact (ie; regular coffee dates) as I was done giving and not getting gratitude, appreciation nor them being there for me when I needed them for once. This caused one of them to self-destruct last night, and I got mad that Johanna was not suffering in my then opinion as much as I was and so I hurt her, and hurt her bad.

Which leads to today. Needless to say things are not going well for me currently, and I'd rather like it to end soon. But end it sooner than it requires will only cause things to reappear worse later on, so I'm going to just have to maintain as best I can. I have a great deal of reflection to do about why our relationship broke up, what I did to cause it and what's going to come next - how to resurrect this situation from the ashes (not that I mean getting us back together, that's done for sure, but rather how to turn all this to something good). Mercifully, we have reading week next week so I have breathing space. I am intending to stay here alone in my home and try to contain the splash of my current bad mood.

I will of course do a little coding - I always find that helps, and as my development system was the laptop I need to migrate everything back to the desktop when I get time. I'll also do a fair bit of study as I have major catch up to do in Management and there's a class test after the break. Hopefully, if I soldier on, the answers will come.

Be happy everyone!