newsarse.com

Government tells MoD ‘be more careful with your pocket money’

Editor — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:25:29 +0000

Chancellor George Osborne has told the MoD that if it wants to buy a £20bn trident replacement, it will have to stop wasting all of its pocket money on sweets, football stickers, and incredibly expensive Euro-fighter jets.

Government to introduce ’single’ benefit payment, what do you think?

Editor — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:24:01 +0000

All out-of-work benefits and tax credits could be scrapped and replaced with a single payment as part of a "radical" shake-up of the welfare system, according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith.

Discovery of old Zoo magazine points to unintelligent life on Mars

Editor — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:34:28 +0000

Researchers have identified the fossilised remains of an old Zoo magazine on the surface of Mars, leading to claims that the planet was once able to support a thriving community of thoroughly unintelligent life.

Home Secretary demands more efficient punishments for kids to completely ignore

Editor — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:59:55 +0000

Home Secretary Theresa May has initiated a review of the ASBO programme, claiming she would like to implement a more efficient way of being completely ignored by the nation's reprobates.

Security experts warn that stuff you put on the Internet is on the Internet

Editor — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 09:37:35 +0000

After a list of Facebook accounts with public details was published by a security consultant, experts are warning that any non-private information you put on the Internet is actually on the Internet.

The obese left distraught at news they are also fat

Editor — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:08:50 +0000

Obese individuals everywhere have reacted with shock after England's public health minister Anne Milton told doctors to start informing patients they are also 'fat', a connection very few obese people had previously made.

Nation overwhelmingly votes for tragic fireball end for BT ad couple

Editor — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 10:45:33 +0000

As the nation was asked to vote for its preferred next phase of the BT ad couple story arc, the overwhelming favourite is a tragic, yet ultimately satisfying car accident in which the couple perish in an explosive fireball.

Drinking alcohol makes it easier to drink alcohol, finds study

Spacey — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 10:44:59 +0000

New research has revealed that drinking alcohol can ease the symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, making it easier for drinkers to hold glasses of beer, wine and spirits for extended periods of time.

British Gas executives to start each day with ’snow dance’

Editor — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 08:25:37 +0000

After British Gas unveiled a 98% rise in half-year profits thanks to an exceptionally cold winter, executives revealed they now start each day with a thirty-minute snow dance aimed at earning the continuing favour of the benevolent ice Gods.

Charcoal briquette crisis grips London as BP garages remain closed

Spacey — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:25:00 +0000

Residents of London were left wondering where their next barbecue was coming from after Greenpeace activists forced the closure of fifty BP garages across the capital.