Here are habits five through seven:

Habit #5.  Positive Thinking 

Take complete responsibility for the thoughts you think.  Your thoughts trigger emotional states that have tremendous power to energize or de-energize your momentum. One of the biggest mistakes most people make in their thinking is to focus on what they do not want, what they lack, what’s not going right, and so on.

This is a mistake because whatever we put our thoughts on is emotional energy that expands.

Think of emotions as energy in motion, which means they drive and shape our actions.  Always begin every morning, each activity or interaction with others with the end in mind, focusing on what you want to create. Sweep aside the negative clutter and define your purpose to begin today to fulfill yourself.  Wherever possible avoid negative thoughts, and hanging around negative people, and actively seek to associate with positive people, committed to success instead.  When you feel less recognized than you want to be, for example, shift your focus instead on “giving” more of what you want in your life.

Sports psychologists train athletes to think big, then act as if they have it in order to produce peak performance states.  It works for you in the same way.  Praise yourself for past accomplishments, take stock of your strong qualities and work to nurture and improve those that are underdeveloped. The sky is the limit, so think big!  You have a purpose, and a mission in life — and your overall health and happiness makes your life work lighter, easier to achieve, and more enjoyable.  Start smiling more and look to the positive side, or lesson, in everything.

Habit #6. Small Action Steps to Energize Momentum

Make your life easier by learning to turn your goals into small action steps.  You will realize what you aspire more quickly and easily when you take action to keep your momentum moving forward, slowly and steadily, adjusting your course, as necessary, in the direction you want to go.

Think of a skyscraper. It was built brick by brick, one at a time. So are your dreams. Concentrate on what you “can” do that would contribute to your vision, such as 10 minutes of exercise first thing in the morning, 15 minutes to write a thank you note, or 5 minutes to let someone know you appreciate them.  Develop a step by step approach to reaching your goals.  Then, protect your momentum by steering clear of negative self-talk, and thus keeping the picture of your success in bright focus.  With a resolute attitude you are well on your way.

Habit #7. Consistency 

Perhaps the most important habit is to be consistent in whatever you do. Being consistent makes the difference between realizing a modicum or the fullest extent of your dreams. Test this for yourself. Look more closely at the lives of a few persons that are successful in your eyes, and conduct your own study to better understand how they achieved results. You will find consistency is a unifying characteristic. Whenever you stop to admire a person for their success, in any endeavor, remind yourself that his or her success was not a “hit-or-miss” or “whenever” endeavor, rather a series of consistent actions sustained by passion and caring. Success is less about the intensity at the beginning, and more about the consistent actions you take that then become habits.  Focus first on instilling the habit until it becomes a natural part of your life.  Once set, it will be easy to raise the intensity.

Success is a set of mindful practices, diligently and lovingly and consistently carried out.  Make the decision today.  Take a look at the one and only person responsible for realizing the happiness and fulfillment you seek: YOU. Decide today what you create.

Do you ever wonder why success for some people seems like smooth sailing on a warm breezy day, while others work hard to stay afloat?  Success is no accident – it’s a collection of mindful, conscious habits.  A conscious habit is a choice to practice, remain aware and take action.  The seven conscious habits below can work wonders.

Habit #1. Visually Prepare to Succeed and Contribute

Imagine being who and what you aspire, such as enjoying a trim, fit, radiantly healthy body, a highly-profitable and fulfilling career, or a vibrant mutually enriching relationship with your spouse. What would you be willing to do to realize this?  Before you answer this question, however, shift the focus of your imagination to your own goals and dreams.  Close your eyes for a few seconds, and take a couple of deep breaths. Smile, and trust your inner guidance. When one thing jumps out at you, see, hear and feel yourself enjoying your success as if you already have it. See, feel and hear yourself preparing to realize what you aspire.

Then, decide what one action you’d be willing to take regularly, starting today, that would contribute to your success. Write it down. Once that’s in place, chose another action toward your goal.  With each action, you prepare for your success, whether your goal is radiant health and fitness, financial security, or creating fabulously happy, high quality relationships with those closest to you. Think of each small action you take as preparations that contribute to your life, your relationships, your future.

Finally, expand you’re your vision to seeing how this would contribute to those closest to you, your community and world. When you connect to your joy, what you love, the actions follow. It’s a formula that works. Seek to find ways to improve the quality of life around you. Clarify and regularly reflect on your vision for a fulfilling life and relationships to prepare to make life enriching contributions.

Habit #2. Mindfully Choose Life Enriching Daily Routines

You already have daily routines, but enrich or block what you most want to realize? Do they move you toward the life you desire to manifest—or away? When you pause to imagine yourself preparing to live the best life and relationships possible, as an everyday reality, pause for a moment, to realize how vital your mental and physical fitness is to achieving your success. A healthy, fit body is more than a nice goal. Taking good care of your body is perhaps one of the most important investments you can make. If you’re not enjoying a healthy body, how can you enjoy the realization of other goals?

Routines such as getting 7-8 hours restful sleep each night, enjoying regular, balanced exercise, and nourishing your body with healthy meals that include a lot of vibrantly colored vegetables, are must-have life enriching habits in preparing for a happy, fulfilling life, whereas eating toxic fatty, sugary foods, or staying up late in front of a computer or TV block optimal functioning of your physical health, as well as your mental and emotional well being.

Take a close look at your routines and see where they may need adjusting.  If you find yourself buying needless stuff, or paying late fees or interest on credit cards, it’s time to implement a new routine—that really supports your happiness. In other words, develop routines that make a difference because they emotionally support your highest goals for yourself.  Mindfully choose routines that enrich your mind and body, and make life easier, more enjoyable for you—that, in the long run—contribute to your life.

Habit #3. Focus 90% of Your Vision on Your “YES!” 

What are you saying “Yes!” to in your daily routines? What are you saying “No!” to as a regular practice? Is what you say yes or no to a conscious choice to contribute to your desire for vibrant health, an uncluttered life, or a strong, vibrant marriage? Saying “yes” when you want or need to say “no” does not does not work no matter how pure the intention “to give” or “give in” seems. To enrich your life, start by giving yourself the gift of letting go of attachments to certain outcomes, such as desire for approval or to be “nice” by not hurting others. You cannot contribute to others as long as you are not simultaneously honoring yourself, and your own inner emotional drives for balance, integrity, connection. To be your authentic self, to be real, check that your giving is judicious, that is, it comes from a place of consciously knowing you want to give solely and completely from a place of sheer joy and satisfaction.

There is a ratio of Yes-to-No to follow, by the way, for optimal results. A good rule of thumb is a 9-to-1 ratio of positivity. In other words, focus about 90% of the energy of your imagination power on what you desire and want more of in your life. This energizes inner processes that prompt you to take action steps in the direction of your dreams, thus, contributes to your life.  Remember to also say “Yes!” to truths and affirmations that acknowledge your highest potential, motivate you to action, and energize your beliefs in yourself.  Say “Yes!” to loving, accepting and valuing yourself, just as you are! Say “Yes!” to feeling confident, calm and assured you can achieve whatever you put your mind to! Say “Yes!” to stretching yourself past your limits of comfort when doing so means you contribute to your success in realizing the healthy, radiant life, body and relationships you want.

When you mindfully say YES! YES! YES! to what’s most important, saying no to what blocks success gets easy, real easy. As a result, you feel more fulfilled, energetic and in charge of your life.  And that’s what you’re looking for, isn’t it?

Habit #4. Energize Your Passion

Have you noticed how striving for perfection tends to make us procrastinate?  Strive instead to enjoy both your progress and the processes leading to the successful outcomes you produce.  Success follows naturally when most of your focus rests more on how to enjoy reaching your goals, and less on what to do to get there. Take pleasure in your creative abilities, the power you have to make choices in how you live your live, and the freedom you have to shift to optimal choices.  As for the human inclination to strive for perfection, embrace the benefits and let go of the rest.  What benefits?  Ultimately, dis-satisfaction (in being less than perfect) keeps us reaching and moving forward, maintains our momentum toward success.  The laws of the universe require continual motion, forward or back, and reserve no place for standing still to gloat.  Getting stuck in negativity, indecisiveness or inertia actually shifts to backward momentum.  Our desire to relieve dissatisfaction guarantees we continue to grow, improve, enrich our lives with our talents and skills. In essence, your passion for reaching your dreams is the only perfection you need to breakthrough obstacles to reach and enjoy the realization of each one.

Habits #5 through #7 follow in Part 2.

These hidden aspects of yourself are powerful shapers of your life because the operate subconsciously, outside your awareness. Even if a miracle occurred and you awakened tomorrow morning to find that your partner was “exactly” how you want them to be and your relationship instantly changed, for example, you will not likely be able to sustain the changes long enough to enjoy them.

In truth these unloved parts would not like it, feel “uncomfortable” at best with this unfamiliar territory, and would likely begin to act quickly to return your relationship (and partner) back to what you had before.

Self-sabotage — not!

Though some call this “self-sabotage,” it really isn’t.

These hidden parts of you are controlled by a part of your mind known as the subconscious. It is responsible for managing all processes of your mind and body that you do not have to think about with your “conscious” mind, the part that does conscious thinking, makes plans, decisions, and so on.

Your subconscious mind monitors all systems 24/7. It never rests. It isn’t self-sabotage because the main directives of this operating system are always set on restoring balance, health and ensuring your survival.

Its primary directive however is to ensure survival. Unlike the conscious mind, since it does no reflective “thinking” of its own, it does not know the difference between physical and psychological threats to your survival! That means: It relies on information from you, at any given moment, to interpret life around you, especially in terms of threats to your emotional survival, which is as real and conceivably more intensely guarded than physical survival.

The greatest fear?

It’s safe to say that: our greatest fear is intimacy. And, as any creative process, intimacy is a balancing act — an art. It is the art of balancing our drive for meaningful connection, on the one hand, with our drive for self-agency, on the other. These drives activate  core human fears, such as rejection, inadequacy, correspondingly, which have to do with natural doubts or anxiety we feel either about our ability to handle closeness (feeling controlled or limited can trigger core fears of rejection or inadequacy) or distance (feeling alone, emotionally detached activate our cores fears of abandonment or separation).

And thus, we may take actions that are in effect “harmful” to our relationship, however, they are not “self-sabotage” or “self-destructive” per se; they are rather misguided ways that our subconscious mind “thinks” it “has to” protect us in situations that trigger our deepest intimacy fears, and thus, our emotional survival response. If you do not feel safe enough to connect emotionally to your partner, for example, you do not feel safe enough inside to love, period. That because our body’s fear response shuts us off or overrides our drives to matter, and gives primacy to what “seems” urgent in the moment: your survival, defense, protection.

In these moments, when we are totally disconnected from our inner sources of love, acceptance, compassion, understanding, wisdom, etc., we need to know how to restore our own sense of love and safe connection to our self. Instead, we tend to take desperate actions to either distance or get close to our partner, and then feel surprised and hurt that, like us, they get scared or thrown off balance by our defensive strategies, protective reactions.

Love is all about safety.

Since the primary directive of your subconscious mind is your safety, and in the case of relationship-building – emotional safety — your body-mind will automatically act to keep anything that resembles a close intimate relationship at bay until it feels you (not your partner) are “capable” of handling your inner emotional response to what triggers your fears, and maintaining your connection to your self (ditto).

This explains why, as you’ve likely heard before, that it is “impossible” to fully love another person unless you really and genuinely love your self, and that means, first and foremost, knowing how to handle upsetting emotions (yours and your partner’s)  in certain triggering situations so that your body does not unnecessarily activate your survival response (in which case you get shut off from the inner resources you need to your own inner ever-present source of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance).

As an infant or small child you were totally dependent on your parents as sources of love and thus safety; as adults, you and your partner own 100% responsibility for not unnecessarily activating one another’s survival systems. You absolutely must grow out of, rewire, let go of your early survival-love maps.

Letting go …

Your early survival-love map is a set of beliefs that automatically activate your defenses to protect you from what you (mistakenly…) believe you just cannot handle without these “proven and reliable” protective strategies. In a sense, you cannot –at least not until you believe you can, that even though you yearn for (and prefer to have) your partner’s love, recognition, understanding, etc., that you are not only worthy of your own unconditional love and acceptance — you only need, require, and must-have your own to restore a sense of balance, health and peace of mind within.

It is these limiting beliefs that are blocking you from the love and connection you need. For example, you may have learned to believe that, in order to feel loved and accepted, others in your world “should” appreciate what you do or treat you in specific ways, otherwise, it means you have no value. These limiting beliefs, and the toxic thinking patterns they produce, can leave you with a sense of feeling unloved, unappreciated, undeserving, and so on, which then keep you spinning your wheels in life, continuously looking for someone or something out there to do what only you can do by deepening your connection to life from within.

It’s the way you and the world of relationships are designed to work. Let go of old limiting beliefs, and create your life anew.

Self-love is the solution.

Learning to fully love yourself and life is your job, if you wish to be happy and heathy that is.

As long as you do not love and accept yourself fully, all parts of you, you see, you will likely attract persons into your life that also do not love themselves, albeit in different ways.

• Some people do not love themselves by devaluing the uniqueness of their own voice and contribution; they place to much weight and importance on what others believe about them, thus, anxiously base their self worth on what certain others or others in general think or believe about them.
• Others do not love themselves by devaluing the unique voice and contribution of others; they anxiously dismiss, deny or ignore others input in order maintain a false sense of their own importance as superior to the other.
• Still others, devalue both their own and others unique contribution and value.

All cases are indicative of the absence of genuine self-love and self-acceptance. It is the absence of self-love that anxiously focuses our efforts on getting, depending or waiting for others to give us what we believe we “must” or “should” have before we can be free to feel loved and accepted, valued and deserving of love and happiness.

If you do not love yourself for all you are (and are not), is it reasonable to expect the other can do so?

In truth, the intense focus on what the other should or should not do before you can feel loved is a mere distraction, a way to deal with the pain you feel in relation to yourself and those closest to you. It is also a way to avoid the work you need to do on yourself, so that you can develop a mature capacity to love and accept yourself and others unconditionally, even as you also simultaneously create the life and relationships you desire. When you truly love yourself, you also bring out the same qualities in those around you.

In Part 1, power was described as an ongoing choice regarding the type of energy (emotion) we activate in and around us.  It is not power that has a particular effect, however, rather what we believe power is, which directly impacts how we exercise, handle or respond to one another’s personal power, i.e., actions, choices, and so on.

The view of power we hold, either as a capacity to make optimally creative choices, or an ability to be in control over our own power (choices) or another’s, dramatically changes our behaviors, feelings, wants, goals, and so on. It also produces radically different outcomes.

Defining power as a mere ability or right to dominate, to impose or to force one’s will on another is a limiting view of power. Even worse, it can be toxic to our relationships and our health.

This limiting view also hides multiple healthy-dimensions of power as a creative and energizing force, for example, one that can be used to foster mutual caring, empower creativity and personal transformation, among other positive outcomes.

Psychologist Alfred Adler held that a “neurotic lust” for aggressiveness and self-absorption were a result of failed attempts in childhood to meet needs for healthy power in contexts where parenting practices were domineering or harsh. Adler regarded human beings as, above all, social beings who instinctively seek to exercise their “power” to fulfill certain drives to belong and to find meaningful ways to connect and contribute to life around them. The most important elements to healthy child development, in his view, were parental love and interest. According to Adler, to the extent children are dominated, they learn how to use an array of punitive tactics to get their needs met, whether aggressively or passively, manipulating others’ emotions of fear, shame and guilt.

In relational contexts, it is not power itself that makes a particular impact, rather what we believe power is, and therefore, what we believe we “have to” do to get the love, recognition, value — to matter — in relation to those that most matter to us.  If tactics of dominance seem to “work,” and they do at least on the surface, it is only because human behaviors are shaped by underlying emotion-drives to matter,  to feel loved, accepted and recognized.

Here are a few ideas to consider in exploring your beliefs about healthy power.

R – Restores.

Healthy or “pure” power is “real” power because it is healthy, having an emotional healing effect. It consists of actions and a set intention to restore emotional, mental or relational balance in our life and relationships. It is a force we can access to energize emotions in and around us that generate healing. It stems from compassion when we see and feel the desire to restore balance in some area of our life. It works similar to the “refresh” button on our computer. It galvanizes the energy we need to rise above our fears and ego, to break old barriers, to do what is uncomfortable, such as to say “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”  (The power of a genuine apology is immeasurable.)

E – Energizes.

Healthy power energizes our ability to tap into inner sources of action-activating energy.  Actions seal the deal, and the ability to take action toward realizing our dreams and aspirations builds courage, confidence and sense of self-efficacy. It sustains our momentum to take action consistently to reach our goals, for example, in the direction of healing or reconciling a relationship, asking “What can I do to make amends?”

A – Awakens.

Real power awakens us to inner sources of strength, courage and determination to see and stand in our truth. As we access these resources, we grow our wisdom and compassion, a capacity to consciously love that’s based on a growing understanding of our self, others and life that allows us to freely give and receive, depending on what area we most need to strengthen to find balance and peace of mind.

L – Links.

Real power links us to others in meaningful ways. It builds heart to heart connections as we act to mutuality honor our own and other’s capacity to make choices, act as agents of our lives, and so on.  When we interact with a loved, for example, we come face to face with their power — their personal power to make choices. It is the power of the other that we most fear (fear of intimacy). They have the power, for example, to say no, to deny us the love we yearn for, to dismiss what we want, to reject or to disapprove of some aspect of our life, and so on.

In sum, power is a perception and a choice. The power of another is simply our perception of their power. The source of our power, or another’s, therefore, is in our mind. When someone judges us, we always have a choice in how we will respond, for example. Will we respond in a way that brings you closer or increases the gap between you and loved ones, for example?

If we choose to take what another said or did personally, in effect, we grant them power they do not really possess, except subconsciously in our mind (or theirs). Best selling author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer identifies a helpful rule of thumb to keep in mind, as follows: “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”

Power is a choice of what and how we use our energy. We always have a choice in how we respond, and that’s our core power. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl says the following: “…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Whether conscious or subconscious, our perceptions of power and how we relate to one another’s power are learned.  They emerge from our life experiences, and the meanings we’ve internalized that form our most current worldview. Our most powerful teachers as children and young adults have been subconscious cultural influences that have shaped our beliefs, such as family, school, church, government, entertainment media, and so on. As adults, it’s up to us to sift through these meanings to make conscious what is subconscious, to choice what is healthy and let go of what is not.

Power is what power does, and it’s impossible not to have power. Power is energy that is activated moment-by-moment as we take action, accordingly, to realize our emotional needs for love, recognition, free agency, purpose, etc. The only power others ever have “over us” is the power we give them in our mind.

Regardless the type of power, misguided or not, at heart, the human quest for power is a means to find balance and create meaningful connections to life in and around us.

Some affect us in positive ways, giving us stamina to overcome challenges, or encouraging us to sustain our enthusiasm, maintain our momentum, express our talents and interests, and so on, while others in negative ways block or limit our growth and happiness.

Often the impact of negative (and positive) childhood experiences remains dormant until problems in an intimate relationship surface, seemingly, making it imperative that we take a fresh look at some deeply painful aspect of ourselves or lives, perhaps ones we’ve disowned or kept well hidden deep inside.

Without question, our most intimate relationships are the ones that more often cause the most pain. It is perhaps because they also offer the most fertile ground and opportunities for creating happy, meaningful lives that makes healing these wounds an essential part of living happy, fulfilled lives. Healing always involves, at minimum, becoming more consciously aware our self as a choice maker, and thus, engaging in tasks such as exploring unexamined beliefs or unresolved wounds from childhood.

We may uncover issues coming up of trust or control, fear of abandonment or engulfment, or perhaps we find ourselves instinctively reenacting the actions of a parent that we found hurtful and swore to never repeat, based on our current values. We may experience painful emotions and feelings that overwhelm or rob us of the energy and hope we need to make better choices. Regardless the challenge, we each have the power within us, as adults, to change, transform and heal ourselves at the deepest level.

What facilitates our healing?

1. It helps to start from a place of knowing, that: if we survived the formative years of childhood—which we would not have, had we not received some level of love and care, physical and emotional,   from our primary caregivers—we are now, as adults, whole beings unto ourselves (despite the reality that we are social beings at heart).

Whereas this would have been an insurmountable task in childhood, with the wisdom and cognitive abilities of our adult self, we can learn to be the nurturing parent or guardian who lovingly—and wisely—guides us with just the right balance of encouragement and discipline we needed as a child. We may always prefer to receive the love we want from others in just the exact way we wished as a child — it’s our nature to do so. It’s also our nature, however, to realize that as adults we really, really have everything we really, really need inside us, for example, we have all the love, joy, wisdom, fun, purpose, personal power, compassion, and so on, ready to be energized inside of us,  to potentially create a life for ourselves and loved our ones that is enriching, harmonious and meaningful.

This means we must examine certain wishes or expectations that “demand” things “have to” occur in certain precise ways. Others may make us happy, yet, if we want to mutually empower one another’s happiness, we must let go of holding them responsible, or even worse, blaming other people or events for our unhappiness. This literally gives away our action-generating power and the responsibly we own for creating joy and happiness, which is an inside job. Protecting our happiness is our own beautiful responsibility.

Similarly, we are never primarily responsible for others’ happiness, though we may love and prefer them to be happy. Our responsibility to each other is to promote, and avoid standing in the way of, one another’s efforts to enrich life.

2. It facilitates healing to see life as a journey or learning process in which one of the most important lessons is: to learn how to love and accept self and others unconditionally, especially in key moment by moment situations when we are triggered and not at our best, rather prone to go into scary places, do desperate things, etc.

This ability for compassion, an understanding love, allows us to forgive ourselves and others as people, even as we recognize what actions, our own and others, are harmful and destructive to our happiness and health.

In his best-selling book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl states that, “Everything can be taken from a man but …the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

3. It also helps to understand that: we are not our emotion, and we are not the thoughts that cause our emotions. We are much more, we are the observers, choice makers and creators of our lives, thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

Our feelings are not right or wrong, negative and positive per se; they are merely communications from our body to us telling us, at any moment, where we are in relation to where we aspire to be. Essentially, emotions and feelings (especially upsetting ones) are vital signals, critical information that inform our choices, help us to better understand ourselves and others. They often call us to note that something we are thinking or believing may not be serving us, for example, they may be telling us to stop focusing on changing others or “waiting” for them to love or accept us, etc. (as this is not within our “control”), and instead  to take optimal action to restore and balance our own emotional state.

In short, what facilitates our healing is shifting our overall approach to self and life around us. Life offers ample opportunities to clear the weeds of childhood wounds in the gardens of our lives. As we do, we may recreate different scenarios in our mind’s eye, exploring different possibilities or outcomes. In doing so, we imagine different reasons an event may have occurred as it did, and perhaps even accept that, as painful as it was, in other ways, it served the highest benefit of all concerned.

In other words, the reason to bring up painful events in our lives is to create integrative experiences that allow us re-examine them from different angles, and find fresh and empowering ways of understanding our self and others as, well, human beings..

We have more power to create the healthy and happy life and relationships we want than we think. The key is to live life consciously — aware of our beliefs, feelings, thoughts, needs—and the power of our moment to moment choices. When we become aware of beliefs and limiting ideas that do not serve us, we can choose to let go or transform them in present moments.

There are of course obstacles to face and overcome. The most common impediment is our tendency as human beings to avoid what is painful or difficult in the moment, and give in to doing what is easier and more pleasing. When we pass up chances to face old fears and pain with courage, when we choose pleasing or luring distractions to “help” us avoid the inevitable, we unfortunately miss out on avoiding needless suffering  and getting stronger as old wounds drain our energy and power to live more fulfilled, authentic lives.

Of course, we may find that we need support to heal past wounds, and, in this case, turning to a professional who can offer tools for healing may be the best choice to your own path for healing and breakthrough limiting barriers. As long as we remember that the child we were lives on within us, we are always free to go back and right old wrongs, correct mistaken perceptions, heal wounds, in time, forgive, and begin anew.

These understandings help us stop looking for love and power outside of ourselves, from some person, event, food, drink, and so on. They invite us to embrace the responsibility we each have in our moment by moment choices—to consciously nurture our own physical and emotional well being daily, and, from this place of tender love for ourselves and life, then reach out caringly to nurture the relationships with those we most love.

As human beings, it is our nature to attribute meanings to our world through the use of language and symbols. These meanings in turn shape our lives, especially when they are hidden from view.

Our view of “power” forms a core belief system.

Several top psychological theorists of the 20^th century, such as Alfred Adler, Rollo May, William Glaser, Abraham Maslow, Virginia Satir, Victor Frankl, Carl Rogers, William Glaser, among others, describe power as a healthy inborn striving. When it comes to power, however, our cultural values highlight a narrow view that overall associates power with money, status, authority, performance, and so on.

Here are some ideas to consider in exploring your beliefs about power.

• Power is firstly an ever present choice.

In its purest form, power is simply the exercise of choice. At any moment we always have a choice of how we respond, what we think, say, do, and so on.

In the main, power in relationships is regarded as an ability of one person to impose their will on another. Merriam Webster’s dictionary, for example, describes power as “the possession of control, authority, or influence over others” more typically, sovereign states or groups, or those in positions of authority.

This view regards power as:

• A right or entitlement, something earned, based on proof of might or status.
• A privilege approved for persons with authority, strength (physical, monetary, etc.) or ‘superior’ status to hold or exercise, but not for those deemed with ‘inferior’ status.
• A commodity or “will to power” that human beings naturally compete and fight over to possess.
• A dangerous force in the hands of those deemed “inferior,” weak, nonconforming, etc., viewed as competing for “authority” or “power over” another.

This view of power is not only divisive, but also an illusion. It leads us to think in ways that compare and divide one another into arbitrary categories of superior versus inferior, good versus evil, deserving versus undeserving.

Power is a choice in what type of emotional energy we activate in and around us. When we respond to a trigger with relative calm, for example, the parasympathetic branch of our autonomic nervous system remains in charge, the operations of the body are geared toward balance, and thus the brain remains in “learning” mode. In contrast, when we react defensively, we activate our body’s survival response, and the sympathetic branch takes over operation, activates our survival response, and shifts the body and brain to “protective” mode. Each of these “modes” produce dramatically different behavioral outcomes.

• Power is a quest to matter.

One of most influential psychological theorists in the fields of psychotherapy, social work, family counseling, as well as psychoeducational training for parents, teachers, school guidance counselors, Alfred Adler (1870 – 1937), was perhaps first among modern psychologists (he was a huge influence on theoretical giants such as Maslow, Frankl, Carl Rogers) to view human beings optimistically as purpose-driven with a “social interest” to meaningfully contribute to society. He was ahead of his times, and so was his theoretical framework, Individual Psychology.

He regarded the “lust for aggressive power” over others as “neurotic power,” and emphasized the importance of equality and democratic family and school structures equality in family relationships to prevent neurosis. To Adler, dominating children with harsh parenting practices was the root of pathology, and his methods were about the prevention of various forms of pathology.

From his perspective, power was an inner drive to influence one’s life as part of the human quest to self-actualize, a natural human striving, a dynamic exercised to mutually empower one another’s highest growth and potential.

He regarded this inborn seeking for personal agency to self-actualize as part of human nature, and described behavior patterns associated with aggressive power as pathological in nature, a result of harsh environmental factors in the upbringing of children, such as neglect or harsh treatment.

•  Power is a perception.

Power is a belief that shapes our choices and how we relate to our self and others as we seek to fulfill our inborn drive to matter in life.

Existentialist psychologist Rollo May described five levels of power, three of which are healthy. The first power is “to be,” the exercise of creating possibilities. The second is self-affirmation, the power to affirm one’s own being, and the third self-assertion, the power to be recognized by others. The last two dimensions were aggression and violence, and May believed these occurred when the power for self-assertion and a sense of personal significance is not achieved or feels blocked over a period of time.

May also defined power as an interpersonal process, and identified five types of power. Integrative power was the ability to be aware and exercise win-win interactions with others, and nutrient power was the act of taking care of another human being. A third type of power was competitive power, a quest to win either through fair or unfair means. He labeled the last two types of power as manipulative, the act of seeking to get someone to do something against their will or without their knowledge, and exploitive power, the act of using others destructively for own gain.

• In sum: It’s impossible to not have power. 

Ultimately, how we define power is no small matter. Whether conscious or subconscious, it decides how we interpret life around us, more specifically, the actions and responses of others.

Psychiatrist and founder of “Choice Therapy,” William Glasser also viewed power as an inborn universal need, positing that human beings were born with five universal needs of belonging, power, enjoyment, freedom and survival. An ardent critic of the mental health field, he published his critical review of the industry in his book, Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. 

He defined power as the ability to make choices one the basis of honest self evaluations of wants, choices and options, and viewed relational difficulties and the symptoms described in the DSM-IV as caused by misguided or misinformed attempts to satisfy their innate need for healthy “personal power” by instead using force, or “external controls,” to get others to do something against their will. Glasser broke from the field of psychiatry to develop his ideas for Choice Theory when, in the 1980s, he concluded that human beings above all were social beings, and that emotional distress was related to their inability to form satisfying relationships with those they most care about most. For example, he noted the toxic effects of  prevailing learned behavior patterns, such as ones based on “I’m right and you’re wrong” mental schemas, which blocked the formation of healthy relationships.

In sum, the form of power we value structures the choices we make and the actions we take to fulfill what may be the strongest motivating force within us, that is, our inner drive to matter.

In Part 2, the attributes of “real” power.

To make this a regular experience, it takes a conscious plan, one that sets your intention on doing what you observe “works” to improve your life and relationships, and stop doing what doesn’t.

What will it take to have such command of your choices? A mindful mastery of the emotional-physiological states of your body, a conscious intention to focus your attention on being present in challenging moments of your life and relationships. This is a training of sorts that you consciously choose to participate in to cultivate your ability to handle, understand and regulate upsetting emotions of anger (and fear). You always have a choice, and cultivating a mindful mastery of your emotions is a conscious choice at any given moment to take action from optimal emo-physiological states of mind and body.

In Part 1, defensive ways of expressing anger, whether passive and aggressive, were described as toxic to relationships (in most situations). Like too much lemon juice, anger can have a souring effect that inhibits meaningful connection and intimacy. In Part 2, the emotion of anger was identified as essential, a potentially healthy, balancing agent that, when effectively expressed, can move us to take action to not only survive, but also to thrive, to live authentic lives; it prompts us courageously express who we are or what we think and feel, our unique talents and abilities, and so on.

Without the emotion of anger to propel us to take the reins of our lives as the choice-making agent we’re designed to be, conceivably, we might get so overwhelmed by the emotions of vulnerability associated with our hardwired emotion-drives, i.e., for meaningful connection and intimacy — that we’d fail to make any distinctions between ourselves and others as separate beings. It’s not a question of eliminating anger, it’s a question of how to direct this energy to create optimal outcomes, rather than tear down, punish, retaliate and the like.

A conscious plan to express anger effectively?

A conscious plan focuses your attention foremost on your highest intention, what you most aspire to realize. It takes into consideration both your personal wants, dreams, aspirations — as well as your hardwired emotion-drives to matter, that is, to uniquely contribute and connect meaningfully to life in and around you. There are at least 5 set intentions to include in a conscious plan:

1.  Remain in command of your choices to handle anger effectively. (Replace defensive strategies with conscious communication.)

This involves a conscious choice to handle emotional responses of anger, your own and others, effectively, and thus stop letting your body’s survival system unnecessarily take control. This not only uses an enormous amount of energy on protection you mostly do not need, but also blocks the formation of emotional intimacy between you and the persons you most love in the process. Stop blaming one another, and “blame” the protective behavior strategies instead. It’s easier to make a passionate commitment to a conscious plan to change when you realize that the problem is not you or the other, but rather the defensive ways you (and the other) are attempting to establish a sense of personal safety or emotional connection. As actions, defenses tend to send a subconscious message, from your body to the other’s, that you have lost your own sense of safe connection inside, and thus cannot be present to see, understand or connect with them. This explains why defensive actions often activate the defenses of others, who also lose their sense of safe connection. (Remember: the sole purpose of protective action is to restore a sense of safety in order to lower anxiety by producing distance between us and a perceived threat.)

2. Know and remain aware of your triggers. (Accept anger as a valid, innate emotion.)

To express anger assertively and effectively, develop your awareness of your triggers, what is going on inside, and accept anger as a potentially healthy, action-activating agent., to identify our thoughts and feelings, and to learn how to process emotions of vulnerability, and get comfortable with what can be an uncomfortable process (at least initially).  For example, you may be holding thoughts and beliefs, and thus acting in ways that are blocking you from fulfilling inner strivings for happiness because they’re not allowing you to meaningfully connect with the other. express yourself effectively. Defensive ways of expressing yourself are designed to do the opposite.It is by recognizing and owning our feelings that we can express them honestly and authentically, and that means without dismissing or disregarding the dignity of both self and the other. Remember: Anger is not the problem; it’s how we perceive, respond and express it.)

3.  Acknowledge when you feel anger. (Tune into underlying emotions and your body’s signals for survival, psychological as well as physical.)

It is not about eliminating anger (and fear). It is about growing your skills and capacity to feel and effectively process anger, which means also handling the emotions of vulnerability that underlie anger, whenever they show up. Shift to viewing anger as a “secondary” emotion that seeks to shield you from emotions of vulnerability. Ask yourself, “What emotions underlie anger” (See List of Feelings.) If you can embrace them as friends with messages (authentic wise-self) rather than perceive them as enemies to attack, eliminate or hide from (wounded ego-self). As a secondary emotion, at subconscious levels, emotions of anger tell us that we’ve lost our sense of safety and seek to block emotions of vulnerability.

4.  Ask, “What emotion-drives underlie these emotions?” (Note anger helps you take action to fulfill inner drive to do more than survive, to also thrive associated with core intimacy fears – See List of Emotion-Drives)

Regardless how cruel a word or gesture, it is a cry for help, a cry for a holding place that is unconditionally secure and stable to help us reset and refresh our main connection to the resources that sustain — inside. Perhaps no one needs our love and compassion than one who feels unlovable, in short, one who has lost their connection to their own source of compassion inside. As Brian Tracy notes, “relationships are the hallmark of the mature person.” And healthy relationships require us to cultivate our capacity to love and live authentically, with our whole hearts. Persons with weak ego-strength operate from their wounded ego-self tend to stick to what “feels” comfortable and lack the resiliency to deal effectively with emotions of vulnerability and core fears, i.e., inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, which are associated with fear of emotional intimacy. In contrast, persons with well-developed ego-strength understand life and operate from their authentic wise-self, and are willing to put in the hours, sustained effort.

5.  Follow through with action. Ask, “What action is this emotion calling for?” or “What response would better express my feelings (and better meet my emotion-drives/needs)?” (Remember to reathe, remain relatively Calm, Confident, Centered, 3 C’s)

How anger is expressed is learned – and can be unlearned. Action seals the deal. The way we express anger is learned, and thus can be unlearned. These emotional-command brain circuits can be unlearned and replaced with behaviors that form new emotional-command neural pathways.

Expressing anger effectively is all about relationships, how we relate to self and other by the actions we take to keep our relationships alive by: treating one another with dignity, even and especially when we’re lost in our worst, seemingly most unlovable states.

To the extent defensive anger is used to influence others, our relationships erode, the hearts of loved ones remain closed, resistant or defensive, making our influence even less likely.  The use of defensive anger merely reinforces emotional-command neural pathways, which can intensify anger into harmful, isolating and futile levels of rage, hatred or bitterness.

You can develop your skills to be and express your self in ways that neither stomp on the agency and worth of the other, on the one hand, nor get so overwhelmed by others’  demands that we say yes when we want to say no, on the other hand, the emotion of anger will activate our body’s survival response and ensure we activate defensive strategies that keep us at a “safe” distance from one another. Work with a therapist, if necessary.

Anger and healthy personal power?

There’s no avoiding the emotion of anger. Anger helps us stand up for what we believe in and express who we are — at minimum, creative beings in process of learning how to optimize our quest to matter, to meaningful contribute and connect, and to be treated with dignity along the way. 

Anger is not the problem. Expressing anger defensively, either directly by yelling or blaming or indirectly by withdrawing or telling lies, is the problem. Anger is a creative action-activing energy that is essential to our personal growth and development, as well as the realization of our full potential to love and be loved unconditionally.

Learning to express anger effectively is an essential exercise of our personal power, a built-in ability to make choices that either optimize our connections with life in and around us — or not. We always have a choice to act or respond in ways that grow strong, vibrant, mutually enriching relationships (with self as well as others)  - or hide behind our body’s automatic defense system (fight or flee response).

In the long run, angry outbursts leave us feeling powerless inside because, apart from giving us quick-fix feel-good (illusion of power), i.e., seeing others scurry about trying to appease us, they literally cause others to increasingly resist us (often with passive aggressive responses).

Our relationships are governed by laws of physics such as: for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. The more aggressively we seek to change another (i.e., so we may feel more effective, loved, important, valued, etc.), the more they find ways to withdraw and perhaps even move in the opposite direction of our wishes.

Learning how to express anger effectively is a process, a mindful practice you can chose to make your own. Each time you lose control of anger, for example, why not remind yourself that, when you express anger defensively, such as with blame, denial, or lies, you are actually giving your personal power away?

Anger is all about the exercise of your personal power, the question is will it be effective or ineffective? A conscious plan allows us to transform our fears and anger into action-generating assets.

Largely, it’s a combination of what we consciously or subconsciously believe and what we most want or (emotionally) need in the situation. What we believe is possible or what we believe we or others “should” (or shouldn’t) do, for example, activate emotions and neural command networks in our brain that shape our behaviors.

The questions below are designed to expand awareness of your emotional experience of anger, what you’ve learned and believe, and perhaps the beliefs that underlie how you express or respond to anger, others’ as well as your own.

Instructions: Write down your responses to the following questions:

1. Anger is…

2. When you were growing up, what did your mother do with her anger? Your anger?

3. When you were growing up, what did your father do with his anger? Your anger?

4. As a child, what did you decide about expressing your angry feelings?

5. Who taught you “how” to express or not express anger?

6. In what situations did you learn to express anger or silence anger?

7. In the present, what do you do when you are angry at your partner? Child? Parent?

8. How long does it take you to let go of angry feelings or stewing inside (days, hours, minutes etc.)?

9. Are you satisfied with how you resolve your anger with your partner? Child? Parent?

10. What do you want to change so you will feel good about how you resolve anger?

Rarely the primary focus, codependency issues are often identified in connection to the treatment of a family member with an addiction. A person in a significant relationship with someone addicted to a substance or activity is at risk of developing a set of behaviors (also an addictive pattern) from which they too need healing to restore life balance, integrity and peace of mind.

Codependent persons have a developed ability to “read” the moods of others, and take pleasure in “knowing” what others want, how to pacify or appease. Pleasing others, however, is rooted in fear, and a wishful fantasy or expectation that, somehow or someday, the ones they seek to please will recognize, appreciate, and value them for the efforts they make.

This set of behaviors, sometimes referred to as “enabling,” is known as “codependency” or “co-addiction.”

A co-addicted person engages in a set of behaviors that, similar to addiction, provides a pleasure-inducing “fix,” one that stimulates the reward centers of the brain. These behaviors become ingrained, the more they repeatedly stimulate certain reward centers of the brain. The feelings of pleasure, such as a pseudo sense of personal power and safety in lowering anxiety, keeps the pattern alive and active. They become particularly potent because, along with feelings of pleasure, the reward centers are also stimulated by fear-based emotions, such as guilt or shame.

In a groundbreaking book, Codepedent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie first brought attention to this phenomenon, and defined codependency as, “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

Notably, this type of “controlling” has little to do with the mainstream definition of “power” as seeking to possess authority or the “right to rule” another, which is more typical of narcissism — codependency’s counterpart. Wittingly or unwittingly, codependency patterns enable narcissistic behaviors, and vice versa; they seem to attach to one another in unhealthy ways that bring both down.

In other words, the release of “feel-good” chemicals in the brain and body that modulate codependent behaviors, unlike narcissism, are not connected to proving self-worth on the basis of proving dominance or ability to subvert another’s will (more typical of narcissism). The codependent is rather bent on proving worth by feeling “needed” or valued to fix upsets, conflict with a mix of pleasing and placating behaviors.

The dance between codependency and narcissism is as intoxicating and alluring, as it is toxic and prohibitive of intimacy and emotional fulfillment.

Author and expert researcher in the field of addiction, Dr. Patrick Carnes in his book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, labeled co-dependent patterns as co-addiction, noting the compulsive nature of a co-addicted person’s behaviors. Much like the addicted spouse, a person with a co-addiction cannot seem to stop their behaviors despite negative consequences to include not only enabling the addiction, but also personal costs to own mental, emotional well being.

Are you codependent or in a co-dependent relationship with another? What are the signs? Based on this therapist’s experience in working with addictive and co-dependency patterns, there are at least 20 indicators. You or your partner may be trapped in codependent patterns if you regularly:

1. Feel responsible to ensure no conflict, upsets, angry outbursts occur in your key relationships.
2. Seek to “keep the peace” with little or no thought to your own personal needs, wants, well-being, growth, etc.
3. Are overly attuned to what others need or “must have” to feel okay or not get upset, yet have little or no awareness of own needs, feelings, wants, boundaries, etc.
4. Worry about being viewed as “selfish,” “controlling” or “mean” by asking for what you want, doing your own thinking or acting on your own behalf.
5. Check the moods of key others around the clock, in particular, looking to see if you’re needed to put out “fires” (i.e., anger, upsets, discomfort, etc.).
6. Set boundaries or new rules for how you others treat you yet talk yourself out of sticking to the guidelines you set (i.e., thinking “what’s the use”).
7. Are “used to” living with another’s drama, outbursts, addictive patterns, etc., believing “they’re not capable” of making better choices, handling their emotions, making changes, etc.
8. Tolerate behaviors toward you that stunt both your and another person’s growth and development, thus, producing a toxic relationship.
9. Are preoccupied, worried or obsessed about another person’s opinions of you, and go out of your way to avoid disapproval, upsetting or angering them, and so on.
10. Refuse to make requests of another because asking them to change or be thoughtful in how they treat you may inconvenience or cause them discomfort or “stress.”
11. Easily trust and believe what another says, ignoring warming signs, gut feelings or past experiences that tell you blind trust is unwarranted.
12. Makes excuses for another that “enable” them to continue to make poor choices, engage in addictive patterns, act in toxic or life-harming ways, etc.
13. Keep another dependent on you by rescuing them, bolstering their ego or providing assurance when they get upset.
14. Treat another as incapable of tolerating frustration or handling situations without you.
15. Nag and complain, scold and lecture another, rather than make requests for what you want or need from them, thus, treating them as capable adults.
16. Do for others (children, spouse, etc.) what you wouldn’t consider doing for yourself and expecting this “sacrifice” will cause them to value and appreciate you some day.
17. Neglect other responsibilities or persons in your life, i.e., your children, job, etc., because you’re pre-occupied with another’s addiction, reactivity, problems, etc.
18. Need to think of addicted person as “incapable” in order to feel “needed” and valued, caring and connected to them.
19. Believe that you will find love and fulfillment by putting others first and yourself last, etc., somehow others will appreciate and recognize you for this “sacrifice.”
20. Wallow in guilt and regret about times when you’ve let others down, blaming yourself, intensifying efforts to prove you’re “good enough” in order to avoid being rejected or abandoned in the future.

Ultimately, codependency is an ineffective way of realizing human yearnings to matter, to love and be loved. Guilt is often the basis for action. Secretly, codependents wish to be seen as a “hero” and get their “high” from emotionally saving or rescuing others from having to deal with or take responsibility for their problems.

Though outwardly the co-addicted person seeks to appease and take care of another, in reality, the behavior pattern is a defensive means to restore their own sense of safety and security inside. The behavior pattern is rooted in fear of rejection or abandonment,and  associated with core beliefs and protective strategies learned in early childhood experiences, which link a codependent’s self-worth to their ability to prevent conflict and upsets by appeasing others.

A primary fear of the co-addicted person is being rejected on the basis of being selfish, mean or uncaring. Most of their focus is on finding ways to put out fires, prevent crises, not upset or disappoint others—and never the root cause. That is what makes the behaviors an unhealthy and futile waste of energy.

Because a codependent person is disconnected from their own wants and needs in the relationship, their inability to “receive” often destabilizes and keeps their key relationships (and them) out of balance. People in their lives are not challenged, and may stop growing or not develop to full potential.

It’s important not to mislabel all sacrifice or giving persons as “codependent.” A good measure of “healthy giving” is that it promotes the growth and well being of both self and the other, whereas codependency tends to foster “dependency” that can arrest another’s development. For example, giving a child junk food to avoid conflict, giving in to a partner who wants to “relax” at bars drinking with buddies, or buying gifts you cannot afford to feel loved or loving is not healthy giving. And, it’s codependency if a repeated pattern one finds impossible to break.

As with addiction patterns, co-dependency or co-addiction is an impaired way of thinking that enslaves the mind. Mental enslavement occurs whenever the mind holds rigid schemas (limiting beliefs) that cause us to feel we have no choice, no other alternative but to turn to some substance or person or activity for comfort, fulfillment.

Neither of these patterns are not easy to let go of because they’re associated with protective strategies and early-survival love maps. The good news is that, thanks to the brain’s amazing capacity for change (plasticity), people can and do break free of these addictive relating patterns, and awareness of them is a vital first step.

factors disconnect In interactions with others, for example, when our attempt to fulfill our drive to find value or matter in relation to another is blocked, we experience painful emotions. This pain is healthy, providing we know how to interpret and respond to it. It is our body’s way of letting us know to take some action, preferably one that is informed by our inner understanding and wisdom.

The two exercises in this step are designed to build awareness and strengthen your ability to consciously connect to your emotional needs as a means of calming and centering yourself in challenging situations.

Conscious harmony between your wants and needs?

A conscious plan focuses your attention foremost on what you most aspire to realize. It takes into consideration both your personal wantsand aspirations as a unique individual — and at the same time, yourhardwired emotion-drives to matter, making unique contributions while also securing safe mutually enriching, healthy relationships.

1. Are your wants mostly conscious or subconscious?

There’s a key difference between what you think you want and what you consciously want. What you think you want is mostly subconscious, which means there are unresolved conflicts that prevent you from realizing what you want, for example, you may “want” to be slim and trim but you also “want” to watch TV rather than exercise. Which will win out? The one that’s backed with the most passion. Your body’s operating system, the subconscious mind, knows what you really, really, really want by what gives you the most pleasure inside. This inner “feel good” fires and wires actions and momentum with the release of feel-good chemicals.

For the most part, the subconscious mind manages the energies of your body based on a simple formula: whatever you really, really, really want is what you get.

Conscious wants take this into consideration. Based on the understanding that you’re going to get whatever you really, really want, it’s wise to carefully ponder, reflect and choose accordingly. If you do not, you’re leaving too many life- and relationship-shaping decisions to your subconscious mind.

Some insist they “don’t know” what they want. This is resistance. It is a learned and passive aggressive way of protecting our self, thoughts, wants from the criticisms, evaluations, and other intrusions of others. It’s a velvet glove way of saying “you’re not the boss of me” to others. In other words, its defensive strategy, it’s a way of controlling your life from the influence of others, for example, to protect what you really want from other’s evaluations, expectations, criticism or demands. We always know what we or others want by the actions we take or don’t take. Never go by what one says they want or intended. The conscious mind is often in the dark, completely unaware of what the subconscious mind wants. Behaviors are the only reliable way of knowing what we (and others) really want. The actions we are willing to take or not take on a consistent basis best inform us of what we really, really want.

• Your wants are set and driven by your beliefs, i.e., beliefs about what you think you want or “should” want or not want, what you believe you “can” or “must do” to get what you want, etc.
• Twenty-four-seven, it is wired to monitor your self-talk, and activate behaviors, accordingly, based on what you have subconsciously taught it to “believe” you want.
• There’s a very good chance, especially if change seems difficult or impossible, that what you believe subconsciously and what you consciously think you want are not in synch.
• For example, you may “want” to have a healthy conversation with another; however, if your highest intention is to prove you are right (or they are wrong), this practically guarantees your brain will be in defensive mode, and thus your actions will also be defensive strategies that will impair rather than strengthen your relationship.
• In protection mode, your actions and strategies will fulfill your survival needs, but they are automatically blocking you from fulfilling  higher needs to thrive in relation to your self and those you most love. Right versus wrong are “who’s better” conversations that set up two persons as adversaries in their minds.
• The more you remain aware of what you want, and are open to becoming aware of and changing any limiting subconscious wants, the more likely you are more likely to remain in charge of your choices and actions.
• This speaks to how vital it is to engage the cooperation of your subconscious mind, which is the part (of you, your mind) that is in charge of learning new or changing any old habits.

2. Are your wants aligned with your hardwired drives (needs)?

WhatIf what you want is not aligned with the highest directives –hardwired drives or needs — of your brain and body — which is to balance your drive for connection, to form healthy mutuality enriching relationships, with your drive for autonomy, to matter as a unique being, you’re likely to waste time a lot of time on futile endeavors. It’s like ignoring that your body needs food, water and oxygen to survive and thrive.

Human beings are hardwired to learn and grow, heal and transform in the context of healthy, mutually-enriching compassion-based relationships with self and others, and life.

Ignoring these imperatives is the cause of suffering and addiction.

Drink of water photo available from Shutterstock