A partnership is a lot like marriage: the reasons two people stay together are usually not the reasons they got together in the first place. As life progresses, each person evolves and changes. Unless individuals adapt to the other person’s personal growth and development, the relationship can stagnate or even become antagonistic.

Personal growth and development occur at several levels. On the individual level, a person may experience changes in attitude, interest, abilities, and goals over time. What might be personally intriguing at age 30 may be less motivating at age 50.

A competitive basketball game may be replaced by a doze at the beach. Similarly, being the biggest sales person may be exciting when you’re younger while training and mentoring others to succeed may be more rewarding later in your career. In a successful partnership, each individual is attuned to the evolving interests, needs and competencies of the other. Within a partnership, partners must also change as the needs of the business change. For example, making an enterprise work when it’s in an early entrepreneurial state of development requires skills and competences that are different from a partnership that has weathered the obstacles of a start-up and has grown into a more professional entity.

Partners may find themselves evolving from a “fighting for our lives” kind of company, driven by constant sales, 60 hour work weeks, multitasking and a sparse personal life to a company characterized by excellent customer service, a more concentrated work focus, a shorter work week, and a focus on nurturing relationships.

As partnerships evolve, partners may learn to empower and mentor others, hone their negotiating skills and exercise better judgment. They learn to better harness their energy, impulses, and competitiveness. Empathy, generosity, and compromise become the standards for engagement.

Bottom Line

• As needs and motivations evolve, partners grow and change over time.
• Different skills and talents are required at different times in the life of a partnership.
• Successful partners appreciate the changing currents of life, adapt to each other over time, and develop compassion in the process.

• Where are we going?
• Why are we going there?
• Why can you count on me to get us there?
• What can I expect from you?
• How can we harness and enhance out combined talents, passions, and skills?
• What’s our plan of action?
• What resources do we need?
• How will we handle conflict and differences of opinion?
• Where can we take charge, make things happen, and self-initiate?

For Navigators, “the buck stops here” and “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.”  Navigators don’t get caught in the blame game: “We got screwed,” and “It’s not our fault.”

Navigators examine what happened, critically analyze root causes, are hard on problem, and make corrective actions.
Navigators don’t lament and wait to be emotionally devastated.  They know that action is the best antidote to anxiety and uncertainty.  Navigators take actions, learn from their mistakes and never give up.  They may call a “time out,” take a pause, and reflect.  But it isn’t to lick their wounds.  It’s to re-energize, re-focus, re-execute, and move forward.

As Wayne Gretsky once responded when asked what made him such a great hockey scorer, he said “I never skate to where the puck is.  I skate to where it is going.”

Bottom Line

• Create a shared vision.
• Commit to shared personal responsibility.
• Learn from your mistakes.
• Give up blaming (especially each other).
• Success is the best revenge.
• Keep moving to your future.
• Get a backbone.
• Doing something is better than doing nothing.

What’a Victim Partnership?  About 20-25% of Partnerships fit the description of Victim Partnerships.  The Victim Partnership Beliefs:

•    We’re screwed.
•    We can’t fight City Hall.
•    The competition got there before we did.
•    We didn’t catch a break.
•    It wasn’t our fault.
•    Luck wasn’t on our side.

The Key Point: Victims give away power.  Something happened to them, causing the upset and failure.  They think “We don’t have control; We never really did.”

What’s the Payoff? If it’s someone else’s or something else’s fault, we aren’t responsible for what’s happening. Victims rarely examine their own behavior, take personal responsibility for their choices, or stop justifying their predicament.

Victim Partnerships aren’t aware that they are always responsible for what happens, that they are always in charge of their choices and actions, and that they always have total power over their lives.  They may not have control over the result but they do have control with every step leading up to the result.

Bottom Line

• Victims tend to find each other out—The needy partner finds a controlling partner, a scared partner finds an acting out and risk taking partner.
• Their common denominator is:

I’m not responsible.
It’s not my fault.
Other’s did us in.

• So qualify your potential partners and find out if he/she takes personal responsibility for their results. •
• If he has a history of blaming other or justifying why things haven’t turned out successfully, cut the conversation off, get out, and find someone else who is personally accountable.
• Watch out for the resentful and angry person.  They may be victims waiting for their next failure.

Practically speaking, there is always an “I” present. Every person has self-interest to protect. Teams or partnerships are no guarantee that a person’s safety, security, or success will be protected. To an extent, each person has to take responsibility for his/her welfare.

Each person also has to keep an eye out for partnership breakdowns to make sure he will speak up when things are not working out. That being said, a partnership based on trust, integrity, resiliency, competence, giving or taking feedback, and mutual caring can go a long way to bringing about mutual success.

The dilemma: how to harness the collective power of self-interest and partnership? How to walk and chew gum at the same time? How to keep focus on two targets at the same time?

Bottom Line

• You are responsible for yourself.
• You are also responsible for your partnership.
• Realize that your partnership serves your self-interest.
• Realize that your partnership serves your partner’s self-interest. •
• There is nothing wrong with self-interest.
• Talk with your partner about what is important to each of you.
• Sometimes it is more blessed to give than to receive.
• Other times it is more satisfying to get what you want.
• Design work, roles, compensation, and risk so that both self-interests can be satisfied.

When trying to understand your partner’s behavior and thinking, its important to do something other than to guess. You need to observe and ask. Notice if you are feeling annoyed or judgmental. What assumptions are you making? When you don’t really know the facts, don’t make up a story and assume the worst. Take a moment and check tings out with your partner.

“I’m noticing something and want to check it out with you. You seem very quiet and distant this morning. Are you bothered by something? Have I done something to bother you? Or are you just absorbed about something?”

Then, listen and probe. See if your partner is struggling about some issue. Be empathetic and put yourself in his shoes. Be respectful of this thoughts and feelings. Sometimes you may be a great resource and comfort by making this kind of connection. It shows that you care.

Bottom Line

• We make up stories.
• We believe our stories.
• Most of the time we are wrong.
• Be smart and check things out.
• Don’t feel in love with your assumptions.

Partners can get caught up in this either/or stage particularly when they talk too much or listen too little. Many meetings are characterized by a lot of talking, advocating, or challenging and little listening, healthy challenging, and checking things out. The result: no agreement, frustration, and lack of clear direction. Skillful discussion is a discussion method that helps partners reach a shared understanding, make a decision, reach agreements, and set goals.

There is an intention to use discussion and meetings to improve the quality of the partners’ thinking processes. These discussions involve five key processes:

1.    Clarity about intentions. “What do I want from this conversation?”
2.    Balance talking with listening. “Here’s how I see it, what’s your view?”
3.    Build shared meaning. “What are we really talking about?”
4.    Use self-awareness. “What am I thinking or feeling?”
5.    Explore holdups. “Where are we getting stuck?”

Bottom Line

• Clarify your intentions.
• Work to mutually explore an issue.
• Use a combination of advocacy and inquiry to enhance understanding.
• Stay focused on the agenda.

A powerful strategy to manage fear is to create a clear vision, personal commitment, and action plan. Action taking is a great antidote to fear. Do you and your partner share a vision? Have your committed to always do your best to support this vision? Are you taking daily actions to succeed?

Lets say you fear about a difference of opinion you partner has with you. When you experience fear, pause and ask yourself, “What am I afraid of? Am I worried he will be angry, put me down or reject me? Am I taking this too personally?”

Ask if your current fearful behavior, i.e. avoidance, is supporting your partnership vision. Remind yourself of your commitment and action plan. Ask yourself, “If I were to act like a victim, what would I be doing? If I were to act like a navigator, what would I do differently?”

Take a deep breath, regain your personal integrity, and act the way a navigating partner would act: talk straight, express your concerns, state your commitments, and engage in a skillful discussion.

Bottom Line

• Take a risk
• Be a leader
• Stop giving power away
• Act like a navigator
• Remember, everyone is afraid!

Over time, life’s events and circumstances can throw partnerships off track: lost customers, poor sales, reduced market share, internal strife, and key people jumping ship can wear a partnership down. Short tempers, blaming, and disappointments result. Partners may become fearful of messing up and failing to meet expectations.

Fear and suspicion replace safety and respect. Partners then avoid or criticize each other, second guess decisions, make assumptions, create faulty conclusions, and become obsessed with the many “What if’s.” What if he doesn’t follow through this time? What if he lets his ego get in the way? What if he yells at me? What if I don’t do it right? Self-fulfilling prophecies can take over: your partner does get angry toward you, in part, because of your own victim and annoying behaviors. If you’ve been avoidant, indecisive, competitive, withholding, etc, you are creating distrust or even fear in your partner.

Bottom Line

• Life’s circumstances can throw partners into mutual frustration, anger, and fear.
• If you keep your feelings to yourself and create bad consequences in your mind, your partnership will weaken.
• Do some self-examination and ask yourself if you’re sabotaging your partnership.
• Be hard on your fear: don’t let it get too strong.
• Fear: False Expectations Appearing Real

As you go through the day, pay attention to your state of mind and how you are feeling. Everyone once in a while stop for a moment and ask yourself, “How am I doing here? Is there anything I need to get off my chest? Am I avoiding a particular conversation with someone? How do I want to come across?”

Whether or not you are speaking or interacting with your partner and others, you are impacting them. You are influencing the “emotional climate” and productivity of those around you. You are not an island separated from others. Like the water and wind between islands touch each island shore, your presence influences everyone in your company.

Bottom Line

• Effective people pay attention to themselves
• Ask your partner for feedback about your perceived attitude or behavior.
• Ask yourself if your current state of mind and behavior are getting you where you want to go.     If the answer is “no” then change how you are thinking or behaving.

Demands may come at you one after the other like ocean waves pounding at a ships hull. You may feel like everything is about to capsize. Well, guess what, you’re not invincible or indestructible. At some point you will break down and become an impaired partner. You will be overstressed and burnt out. At this point, there may not be recovery time. You or your partnership will be in danger of self destruction.

Research on high performance indicates that sustained success requires frequent recovery periods. There are four stages you can use to locate your partnership:

1.    High Performance
2.    Stress
3.    Burn Out
4.    Recovery

High performance feels great but it is difficult to sustain. You and your partner need to take recovery breaks every day. After 90-120 minutes of focused action, attention, and concentration, intelligence dwindles and errors intensify. A 15-minute recovery time can substantially renew your energy, focus, and intellectual functioning.

Time outs aren’t just desirable, they are necessary. You need to step away from the issues at hand, catch your breath, and relax. Maybe you can’t both take a recovery break at the same time. No matter what, take turns. Renew and Refresh.

Bottom Line

• Partnerships can’t sustain high performance without recovery periods.
• Push too hard and stress, breakdowns, and exhaustion will show up.
• Recovery periods lead to increased energy, intelligence, and problem solving.
• Make sure your partner is taking recovery time.