The Naked Loon » News

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

Alfred Matthew — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 13:00:50 +0000

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Oppressive Tax on Loathed Minority Set for Easy Passage

Ash Grimm — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:00:19 +0000

Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.

Now thanks to some quick thinking by Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, cuts in popular programs such as after school basket weaving for inner-city toddlers will likely be avoided as an oppressive tax on an unpopular minority heads for easy passage.

Question the Kostyra: Handling an Overbearing Mother?

Martha Kostyra — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:00:24 +0000

Today The Naked Loon is proud to introduce our very own advice column "Question the Kostyra," in which Naked Loon Living Editor Martha Kostyra will answer your questions about life, relationships, and which espresso stand is most deserving of your valuable patronage.

If you have a question for Martha, just fill out our handy contact form to drop her a line. Today Martha dishes out her wisdom to a pair of distressed Seattle-area readers.

New Street Balloons Just the Marketing Gimmick These Overpriced Homes Need

Björn Maximus — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:00:32 +0000

After having houses languish unsold on the market for over a year, the marketer of Grove Cypress, a 15-home development in south Snohomish County, has discovered the key to finding buyers for the remaining $500,000 houses: street balloons.

"We've tried banners, flags, sandwich boards, arrow sign wavers... the works," said Ron Freeman, Grove Cypress lead marketer. "I think the balloons will really do the trick."

Seattle’s Top Recession-Proof Careers

Nigel Jones — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:00:05 +0000

(Visit The Naked Loon to view this life-altering graphic)

United Nations Resolution Declares End of Financial Crisis

Josh Devena — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 04:10:21 +0000

At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.

The resolution states that if the complete and utter collapse of the world economy refuses to cease all its financial destruction programs and allow UN inspectors to verify the termination thereof, it runs the risk of bearing the full brunt of further resolutions.

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

Frigyes Karinthy — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 14:00:40 +0000

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

"As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs," said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

Discovery of Twitter Gives Bellevue Man False Sense of Technological Prowess

John Fostr — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:00:00 +0000

BELLEVUE, WA — 38-year-old Joe Millar of Bellevue experienced a satisfying surge of adrenaline Friday upon his discovery of Twitter, the so-called "micro-blogging" internet service founded in March 2006.

When he received the new account email from Twitter, Millar was completely overwhelmed by a totally undeserved sense of tech savvy. According to internet experts (i.e. teenagers), over six million users managed to discover Twitter before Millar.

The Naked Loon Reviews: Sitting at Home Alone

Alfred Matthew — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 14:00:18 +0000

Every week, tens of thousands of Seattleites find themselves facing a familiar situation: the weekend is fast-approaching, and they have absolutely no plans due to an unfortunate combination of social anxiety disorders, crippling agoraphobia, and a complete lack of spending money thanks to "the economy."

For those readers considering turning yet again to the old standby "sitting at home alone," here's a look at what you have to look forward to.

What Time Is It?

Nigel Jones — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 14:00:43 +0000

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TOTALLY JUSTIFIED OBAMA OVERLOAD!!!!!!

Ash Grimm — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 08:00:11 +0000

Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America, ushering in a new age of eternal peace, prosperity, and oneness for all mankind.

As preparations for the crowning achievement of humankind finally come to a dramatic climax, tens of billions...

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

Addison Berkeley — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 13:00:01 +0000

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

How To: Avoid Layoff-pocalypse Victimization

Martha Kostyra — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 13:00:03 +0000

With something like eleven out of every ten companies in the Seattle area laying people off these days, it's probably about time for those of you who still have a job to plan your layoff apocalypse survival strategy.

Intrepid Naked Loon staff members have endured a grueling schedule packed full of interviews with firing managers, library visits to scour the internets, and hour after hour crunching HR statistics—all to help you keep your job. Aren't we great.

Most Unreadable Fonts

Nigel Jones — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 13:00:39 +0000

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Hearst Chairman Eyes P-I HQ as Personal Residence

Björn Maximus — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:00:26 +0000

Friday's news that the Hearst Corporation will cease all printing operations at the Seattle P-I if a buyer for the paper is not found within 60 days shocked journalism enthusiasts across the Puget Sound.

While some crazy rumors have circulated that the impending closure is due to the fact that the paper has been bleeding money for years, The Naked Loon has obtained an exclusive interview with a high-ranking Hearst executive who reveals the real reason for the sale.

Burris Reid Smackdown Tops Cable Rankings

Josh Devena — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:00:54 +0000

Illinois' incoming junior senator Roland Burris' no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.

Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.

Top Rumors for 2009

Nigel Jones — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 13:00:02 +0000

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Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

Frigyes Karinthy — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:01:57 +0000

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels' extended his recent streak of secreting pure, unfiltered awesomeness on Wednesday by officially declaring Seattle as the "Number One Bestest City in the Entire Universe—For All Time."

The bold call comes hot on the heels of his proclamation that the city's response to the Colossal Blizzard Whiteout of Aught-Eight deserves a "B," widely considered by critics to be his most delightfully bizarre move to date.

Frozen Zune 30GB: Live Webcam

John Fostr — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:00:25 +0000

Every 30GB Zune on the planet broke down this morning in a massive worldwide software freeze. Even here at The Naked Loon we were affected. In order to provide continuing, up-to-the-minute coverage of this important worldwide crisis, we are proud to present the live 30GB Zune webcam below.

Contract Breached, State Republicans Sue Cloud Seeders

Ash Grimm — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 13:00:49 +0000

Washington State Republicans filed suit in Superior Court Monday against an advanced weather-control laboratory, alleging that the cloud-seeders' promised snow storm arrived in western Washington nearly six weeks too late.

According to court documents, the WSRP contacted Spokane-based Storm Science, Inc. in April, contracting their services to generate a "winter storm of epic proportions..."

Seattle’s Most Cherished Christmas Traditions

Nigel Jones — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 13:00:02 +0000

(Visit The Naked Loon to view this life-altering graphic)

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

Frigyes Karinthy — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 13:00:12 +0000

As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest with icy blasts and perilous precipitation continuing into next week.

According to local officials the Dismal December Discharge of Aught-Eight has already resulted in three trillion dollars in lost productivity in the city of Seattle alone.

Holy Crap It’s Cold!

Nigel Jones — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 13:00:50 +0000

(Visit The Naked Loon to view this life-altering graphic)

RIAA Enforcers Take Down Unauthorized Christmas Cyclist

Alfred Matthew — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 13:00:08 +0000

Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.

The RIAA legal department—which makes up 97% of the organization—learned of the notorious "Northshore Christmas Biker" thanks to a tip from Citizen Rain, a Seattle-area community blog operated by KING 5 Television.

Bugs: Stupid Dummies

Marty E. — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:00:01 +0000

Stupid bugs. They think they're so much better than us. Always lording their six legs and their wings and their thoraxes over us.

What gives them the right to crawl on my dirt, and fly through my air? Nothing, that's what.

They're so arrogant; they act like they own the planet or something. Like as if just because they outnumber us humans 42 billion to one, they think deserve some kind of respect. Not hardly.