Y’ulz was googling ‘how 2 sue your parents’ when i read that SouthAfricanland has a new logo and that this is it.

Our New National Logo.

Feel very relieved y’ulz. Was real worried SA would brand themselves as ‘aspirational’ via using 1 of the 15 classic fonts & make all the rich ppl of the world want 2 live here thereby ‘making sushi unaffordable 2 the masses’. So glad there’s no danger of ‘appearing world class’ (via hiring a designer 2 design the logo). So glad SAfricanland decided to ‘give the youth a chance’ & ‘created a job’ via commissioning one of Jacob Zuma’s 5-year-olds to design it.

"Every cabinet member is competent until proven incompetent, okay y'als?"

How do y’ulz feel about ‘brand SAfrica’? Does it compliment your personal brand / make a kiff bumper sticker / inspire u to ‘fuck some stripper and snort CAT because your wife is a pregnant cow & u were meant for greater things’ / make u want 2 start a racist trending topic on twitter? Let me know y’als. Wanna ‘know who you are’ via your reaction 2 our National Logo. So glad we’re on this ‘journey of discovery’ together.

Still real sad about being deprived of an authentic post-teen-pre-adult experience, but ‘I am willing 2 heal’. Got a CitiGolf in the post this morning y’ulz. Is not a real one, but ‘what is real anyway?’. Is the thought that counts. Is kind of sad that the 1st CitiGolf I eva own is one made out of chalkboard. Whatevs y’ulz.  Y’all can’t take my fake  memories away from me.

Y’ulz, srsly now.

Should I sue my parents 4 not buying me a CitiGolf?

Hey y’ulz. Went for a stroll round the internet. Met the video below in a park. We chatted. I watched the video. Then the video said ‘See ya round’ and let someone else watch it. Little slut. Sorry – I didn’t rly mean that. Am just ‘feeling hurt’ that I cannot share the branded ‘rite of passage experiences that accompany driving a citigolf’ as expressed in the video by this ‘highly agreeable chickbro with nice soft boobs’.

Y’ulz, am rly rly bummed that I never had a CitiGolf, and now they’re not even making the car anymore. H8 my life. H8 my parents. Wish they’d ‘shown some tough love’ when giving me my 1st car & got me a ‘piece of plastic crap’ Citi that ‘fell apart slowly’ instead of a brand new Corsa Lite that ‘started 1st time every time all the time’. Feel ‘totally deprived’ of an authentic ‘coming of age’ experience via driving an Opel.

Fuck-my-so-called-post-teen-pre-adult-life y’als.

A memory I could have had, but NO.

Anyone else feel this way?

Another memory that could have been mine. H8 my life.

Really wish my parents ‘hadn’t trusted me for shit’ & bought me a Citi because ‘I was bound to write off my first car anyway’ (I did, but it was a Butler’s Pizza dude’s fault, not mine). Wish I never had such ‘free thinking parents’ who let my boyfriends stay over in my room instead of forcing us to ‘dry-hump on the roof of my Citi Golf’. Wish my mom hadn’t ‘slapped me on the pill as soon as I grew hips’ so I could have had an authentic ‘pregnancy scare while wrestling with the choke on my Citi Golf’. Feel like the Corsa roof is ‘too high to confuse with the bonnet’ in any case.

Fuck-my-so-called-post-teen-pre-adult-life.

Another memory snatched from me. Want 2 die.

What do y’ulz think? Should I sue my parents? Should I ‘seek treatment for my past wounds’? Should I ‘let the healing start’ by making a fake video of fake memories of my Citi Golf? In so much pain right now.

Y’ulz, went to Milnerton on the weekend. Was rly scary. Y’all ever been there? Wish someone had warned me. Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”. Is that not the biggest mindfuck? Read it again: Went to “go fetch my ID book which was stolen 1.5 years ago and was found by an old lady in a Reader’s Digest in the pensions office in Milnerton”.

Mind. Fuck.

This is Milnerton. Frightening.

But more frightening even than this, is this THING I found. WHAT IS THIS? Found it outside the guest house next door to On The Rocks Restaurant. Thought it might be some Halloween fun but there was no reference to Halloween near it. Seriously y’ulz. WHAT IS THIS?:

Is it a tokoloshe? A "Zulu Orc"?

Let’s take a closer look.

WHAT IS THIS???

WHAT IS THIS???

I need to lie down.

A new trend is slippy sliding round the S-Africanland advertising ideas adoption curve y’ulz. Am HUGE proud of Ogilvy CT for starting it. Y’ulz are geniuses. This trend is called:

“Humiliate a faded international celeb via writing them into an ad”.

Loves it. Can’t wait 2 humiliate my own faded international celeb. Who d’yulz thanks it should be?

Stephanie "I did meth to cope with the lameness of Full House" Tanner?

Miyam Balik aka Blossom? She'd be gr8 in an ad 4 'how rad it is 2 be jewish' (via her degree in neuroscience, Hebrew & Jewish studies)

Which faded international celeb would y’ulz like 2 see humiliated?

***UPDATE**** Quick fact-correction here, Jupiter actually started this trend (via Louis Gosset Jnr Snr Mr bro). Sorry y’als, 4got about that. Am HUGE proud of y’ulz for  starting this trend. Y’uls are what legends R made of. Y’ulz can watch one of The First Humiliations (there were 5 involving this faded celeb – they went all out) here:

****EVEN FURTHER UPDATE****

A very good-looking and smart and amazingly awesome hot bro just informed me that ACTUALLY, Jupies didn’t invent this trend. Whomever does the advertising for Silver Sands Casino and humiliated faded Swedish ’star’ Dolph Lundgren via writing him into their advertising invented this trend. Does anyone know what agency does Silversands? Does anyone know who the un-named genius is? Don’t worry Ogilvy / Jupies – y’alls are still early adopters for ‘copying it before the masses copy it’. Still respect / love y’all.

Pls pay me $$$ so I can get health insurance. Kinda 'spent all my cash' when I was young + stupid. Thanks y'all.

Can you spare some of your online influence?

Y’ulz, this is a srs post. Sometimes I feel, when am driving my Bugatti thru the streets of ‘the most beautiful city in the world’ (Gardens), that there are beggars ‘fucking everywhere’. Think I am kind of over winding down my window BEFORE they approach 2 tell them 2 ‘lean on some other car like that Polo’. FFS y’ulle.

You'd better wash that stump b4 u click on my profile

And as if having to ‘decline stealing from myself 2 give 2 the poor’ on a daily basis is not painful enough, some beggar walked up to my window on facebook 2day (via an internal fbook email) and begged for me to ‘just go to this page and scroll down to the photo of the yam and like it, but don’t open the photo and like the photo, just like the link or it wont count as a vote, so I can win a free yamboat’.

Y’ulle can imagine my reply.
No, y’ulle actually can’t because I used a word I made up.

I said:

“Fangbags! Did u rly just send me this??????? H8 u.”

Srsly. Are there beggars ‘fucking everywhere’? Gonna write my next pro-bono article for the Big Issue about the beggar endemic. Have ‘had it in chunks’. What are y’ulz feelings about this topical issue? Has our social networking society ‘gone 2 the dogs tonight’? is fbook ‘the new Zim’?

Is the agency Halloween Party on Friday. Have pre-filled my timesheets with work so I can ‘get lunch at Garden’s Centre’ while picking up a l’il something a Party Tricks / Mardi Gras / Tinka Tonka Toys. Feel like I rly need 2 ‘bring it’ this yr since the USA took Halloween to a whole new level (via Noah Cyrus aka Miley’s sister aged 9)

Could always recycle my Amy Winehouse costume from the xmas party but will risk creatives saying ‘it’s been done b4’. Dress code is ‘your baddest self’ which is kinda vague (via PR organising a party & not rly getting the idea of “single-minded messaging”).

Fond xmas party memories.

Considering ‘showing some tit’ via saying I’m “dressed as Client Service”, but worried no one will ask me what I’m dressed as (via thinking I rly am Client Service) & will have to drop the words I AM CLIENT SERVICE into casual conversation while ppl stare at my tits & don’t listen 2 what I am saying. Is quite catch-22. Very confused. Will draw a graph.

A graphical representation of the 'excuse 2 dress like a slag' Halloween trend

Don’t rly understand my graph. What are y’ulz gonna be this Halloween? Mike Schalit? John Farqhar? Brian Searle-Tripp? (miss u BST).

“A creative from an ad agency books an audio session….. what could possibly go wrong?”

thanks swartperd.

I am a professor bro. Have studied lots. I have a doctorate, but it never really ‘opened the doors’ I’d always hoped it would. Had dreams of winning a Nobel Prize. Didn’t happen. So bummed. Drank myself in2 a stupour over it the other day at some bar. Met some chick with a short skirt. Said she worked in PR. Said she could ‘make it happen 4 me’. Didn’t rly believe her. She was ‘too pretty 2 be smart’, & the kind of woman ‘I’d never get’. Just wanted 2 die.

Then she called me back the next day. Said she had this ‘gr8 idea 4 a study’. She said ‘Let’s do something big, something with high talkability & buzz factor. Let’s do a study bout how “Cape Town is racist“. That’ll get ‘em  all frothy & will give you industry credibility & media exposure.’ Crazy bint.

Didn’t rly take her srsly coz she’s not an alumni. Don’t take non-academics srsly. Bet she can’t even spell ‘schisms’. Drank some more and passed out in my own puke. Woke up with my face squashed on a Lever Arch File and her card in my hand. Smoked a cigarette. Called her. Gave the ‘study’ a go-ahead, even though she said she’d just get some friends over for drinks and ‘get some sound bytes’ and leave out anything that didn’t sound racist. Drank more until I passed out in my puke again. Hate my life. Just wanted ppl 2 respect me. Thinking of studying further.

Next day woke up with one of my young female coloured students, all naked and passed out next to me in my own puke. Felt a bit better, like ‘my suffering had purpose’ and ‘I was bridging the prejudice divide’ (via fucking & a blackout). Finally felt like I’d made up 4 ‘being born in cape town’. Thought of writing a book about it & calling it ‘Disgrace’ but realised it had already being done (hate u JM).

The phone rang. It was the PR chick. She said the ‘study’ made front page news. Said it was ‘creating a lot of buzz’ and ‘perpendicular trajectory word-of-mouth spinoff’ and that my ‘exposure was high’ and that I would now be a ‘respected profbro’. So relieved. She said my name comes up first if u google ‘cape town racist’. She said ‘the twitter is buzzing with hatespeech about capetonians’. She said ‘now you’re famous!’ Sooooo awesome y’all. Gonna do another ‘controversial study’ soon. Is rly helping my application 4 a study grant that will pay for more booze (ran out last night, pretty bummed). Gonna aim for a Nobel in 2010. Wish me luck.

Hey y’ulz. Been getting a lot of mails of complaint recently. Not the usual ones about how stupid and offensive I am (love y’all), but mails about how I’m not being stupid or offensive enough. This is because in order to be stupid and offensive I needs to go on wild adventures and ‘let the experience be lost on me’ so that I can become more stupid / offensive / sheltered / arrogant (via and limited to my blog – sorry, this offer is not extended to ‘real life’). So while I am still an advertising blog that ‘leads a branded life’, you can also follow me on Twitter, where I will pour my tidbitty morsels of opinions into your faces ALL DAY. Sometimes with PICTURES. Can you think of anything more AWESOME as to almost be stupidly offensive? Didn’t think so. Click here to request 2 follow me on twitter (have 2 approve you due to dodge ex boyfriends from 10 yrs ago who don’t ‘get the fucking hint’ about what i mean when i say ‘GTF out of my life’ and keep stalking me via twitter, please excuse it). In the meantime, please peruse these pics of my recent adventures to get ‘your branded fill’. XOXO

Went 2 Pinetown recently. Was a 'trip down memory lane' (i grew up in a storm drain in the industrial area. Don't be 'fooled by the rocks that i got' y'ulz, am still Alex from the block)

Ate sushi at this l'il gem on Buitenkant. 'Eating dinner alone' is my new thing. Y'ulz should try it, you don't have to fuss with all that 'talking' and 'socialising'.

Been 'hanging out with friends' (via accepting invitations to social events. Is very new to me. Don't have an opinion on it yet but apparently I am 'doing well so far')

My shoes on Durban tarmac. Makes me feel like I'm home.

Got my hands dirty at the Steri Tee Party (via wearing a mask and 'doing the dragon' during a t-shirt launch) on Kloof Street.

Ryan getting his groove on at Tee launch.

Had some good times at Home Affairs reapplying for my passport that got stolen. Was awesome. Had to stand in queues, only to get to front to be told I had to go back to police station to get case number and pay double. Love Home Affairs.

What Home Affairs does to one's ankles (makes you cross them like Dandy Bro)

Made a new friend (via Sweden). Welcome to SA, Therese.

Had dinner cooked for me by 2 men (one of whom being the legendary Chris Rawlinson, who makes a mean lamb roast in addition to being a 'well connected and awesome blogger')

So many adventures. Why wouldn’t you follow me on twitter?