Many times their interest is driven by a basic human need. Next time you struggle to understand: “Why won’t they agree or even consider my perspective?” One of these needs may be at play: security, economic well being, sense of belonging, recognition, or control. These are strong underlying needs that they may not even fully understand. But, if you can uncover them, then you have a better chance of collaborating for a solution that will meet their need and move you forward to thrive.

A good example from my prior corporate role was when I was trying to execute a cost savings project to centralize the janitorial services across multiple manufacturing sites. Logically, it would save the company a lot of money so it made no sense to me that one of the site General Managers was resisting it so much. Through multiple conversations, it finally became clear that he had an underlying fear that the new supplier would cause problems that ultimately could lead to impacts on his performance. The basic needs of economic security and recognition were both factors. We were able to compromise with an “experiment” of using the new supplier for a specific period of time and if all went well then the project would move forward. This worked for both of us to thrive.

How can you thrive more by understanding others’ interests behind their positions? 

“Control is a mirage. The most effective leaders right now – men and women – are those who embrace traits once considered feminine: Empathy. Vulnerability. Humility. Inclusiveness. Generosity. Balance. Patience.”

This is how this month’s Inc. magazine cover story started; it got my attention. It made me think about some of my prior bosses. Sure enough, the best ones did embrace these traits. As the author mentions in the article, I would have followed them into a burning building. Who doesn’t want that level of an engaged workforce? Unfortunately, many organizations are still stuck back in the days of command and control that does not inspire a thriving workplace. In the article, Leigh Buchanan explains, “We have progressed from command-and-control (roughly through the 80′s) to empower-and-track (1990′s to 2000′s) to connect-and-nurture (today).”

One of the most powerful ways that I have experienced making this cultural shift is through the Team Advantage process. In the organizations I’ve had the pleasure to coach in,  the top executive drove for the shift and it was executed by a group of Change Agents and teams through out the organization. It empowered the teams and gave the team leaders a “coach approach” framework that embraced all of these connecting and nurturing traits. And of course, there was accountability as part of the process. It is still crucial to be tough on performance but the approach is completely different from the old command-control process. Rather than instilling fear that appears like control but falls apart when things get rough, instead a higher level of commitment and working together to make a difference are instilled so that when things do get tough the team creatively solves the problem (or runs into the burning building after the leader to help save him or her). The strongest team leaders embraced these traits; although several found them difficult at first.

Here is the on-line article; I found it well worth my time: “Between Venus and Mars: 7 Traits of True Leaders.”  Think about your best bosses or leaders you respect; do they share these traits? Do you? I learned some of them a bit late in my formal leadership role and I would have saved a lot of pain, and thrived more, if I’d been able to incorporate them sooner.

Do you understand the messages you are sending with your eyes and how they impact your thriving? You may undermine your influence by focusing more on your electronic device or by looking down when you are forming your answer. If you hold direct eye contact you will come across as confident in your position (or whatever you are discussing), while if you pause and shift your gaze downward you will communicate weakness or disinterest. Also, if you continually focus on your phone or electronic tablet during a meeting, you will convey that the people in the room are not that important; this is magnified if you are a leader. I have coached executives on the message they are sending (“you’re not as important”) when they pay more attention to their phone/tablet than the person (or people) sitting in front of them.  This Wall Street Journal article, “Just Look Me in the Eye Already”  is a great quick read that explains how important eye contact is, especially in our increasingly virtual environment. Also, note the warnings about holding eye contact too long (to avoid the creepy look).

How will you use your eyes to thrive more this week? Please share your experience in a comment.

photo credit: Flicker creative commons, LifeSuperCharger

I worked through a stressful situation with a client once that I could empathize with all too well. It was her pile. The pile itself was not the cause of her stress, it was all of her thoughts about the pile. “What is in there that I should have taken care of?” “How am I going to deal with it if I am late on something in that pile?” “What problems are lurking in that pile that I have ignored?” We talked through those underlying fears and then I asked her how she would feel if the pile were just gone. The big relief was obvious in her voice; she was being weighed down like that pile weighed a ton!

We talked through what she needed to do to get rid of the pile and keep it from coming back. She came up with a plan to allocate 15 minutes each day (her schedule was very full) to going through the pile and just listing what was there and then to start working the list. Of course, the list helped reduced the stress a lot because most of it was her imagination of what could be there. Your imagination is very powerful, both for the good and the bad. She then took additional steps to get rid of it and avoid it coming back in the future.

One of my “piles” right now is purchasing a new laptop and transferring everything from my current older laptop. If you love playing with technical things then this is not a stress pile for you; for me it is a small one that I just need to get done (that fear of my current lap top crashing lingers in the back of my mind and sometimes my imagination makes it into a much heavier pile).

Is there a pile of some sort in your life that is weighing you down? Take a minute and imagine how it will feel when you are rid of it. What small step can you take toward removing your pile to thrive more this week? Go do it.

photo credit to rosipaw via Flickr creative commons 

Follow these steps to shift those energy sapping habits into more thriving:

• Awareness. Start noticing and being aware of what you are doing and how it makes you feel. For example, does your morning routine energize you or have you rushing into your vehicle in a frenzy that leaves you shouting expletives at other innocent drivers during your commute and arriving at work with a scowl?   
• Pick One. After you become aware of those sapping activities or habits, pick one. Only one so that you can focus on it. One of my examples: I routinely became frustrated every morning when I rifled through my sock drawer to find the color and pair I wanted to wear. It was dimly lit in my bedroom and the drawer was a jumbled mess.
• Change It. Consider how to change that one thing to eliminate the sucking of your energy. In my example, I organized my drawer with shoe boxes (for dividers), threw away the old socks and put a lamp by my dresser so that I could see better.
• Check In. Did your change(s) work? You may need to experiment with a couple different ways to shift your habit or activity so that it is working for you. Forgive yourself along the way if you start sliding back into that old habit or don’t make the change as quickly as you would like.
• Celebrate. Notice and appreciate each time you make a change in your routine that is helping you thrive. Enjoy something fun to reward yourself.
• Pick Another. Now pick another one and follow the whole process again.

You can change your life for more thriving one small step at at time. Believe me, it works!

• Instead of saying, “I don’t care” say, “I am not attached (to that opinion, that idea, etc…)”
• Shift your thinking from, “I have to….” to “I get to….”
• Rather than say, “You should do….” say, “What do you think of….?”

When negotiating, one of the most powerful shifts in language is to say, “I am willing to give you…(a lower price, shorter lead time, etc…), if you give me….(a longer contract, consistent payments, etc…).” It is in our human nature to want to trade; long before money all commerce was done by bartering. The more trades you can brainstorm prior to a negotiation the better prepared you will be to offer an effective trade in the moment that will make you both feel good about the deal.  Think about this for your personal negotiations too, “If you are willing to take out the trash every time it is full then I am happy to always empty the clean dishwasher….” or something like that.   

A personal note: I’ve been on sabbatical from writing for the past several weeks and I appreciate you coming back to read my posts! Sometimes a sabbatical is just what is needed to keep on thriving!

Shift to Guilt

Yes, guilt is actually a good thing sometimes. It is much more productive than the whole shaming thing. I love Social Scientist, Brene Brown‘s research (her TED talk linked); her  years of research shows that using shame never works to change behaviors. Your own or anyone else’s. So, if you are tempted to post a list of the lowest producers or worst sales numbers or lowest anything for anyone, stop! It will just entrench people in their shame and make their production worse. On the other hand, if you can shift them (one on one) to see the behaviors that led to the low performance and feel some guilt around their actions or mistakes, then this will help make some changes in behaviors. It is a shift from, “I am a bad person” (shame) to “I am a person with a bad behavior” (guilt). Brene Brown’s research also shows that people who consistently thrive have have more guilt than  shame.

Focus on Learning & Strengths

What good can come from the mistake or if it is in past, what good came from it? There are always things to be learned from those horrifying errors in judgement. And sometimes it is your over doing of a strength that then became a weakness that partially caused the problem. How can you ratchet that strength back a bit so that you turn it back into a good thing? What will you do differently next time? This shift in focus leads to gratitude for what you have gained and that you don’t have to make that mistake again, now that you learned from it!

Talk About It

If you can share your mistakes, talk about what you learned and use this to help make things better for yourself or for your organization then you have dissolved those feelings of shame that keep you entrenched in re-living old mistakes (and keeps you unproductive). Successful change and thriving happens through discussing your own and empathizing with others’ mistakes. Individuals and businesses get into a downward spiral of trouble by keeping quiet and burying mistakes. It takes some courage to start the conversation, but it is well worth the effort; just be sure the person you are sharing with will be focused on moving forward and not judging you (and entrenching you in more shame).

Think about a mistake you made; how you can use these tips to shift it into a pivotal point for more thriving?

A professional Coach is a great resource for having these conversations to move forward; call me if you get stuck!

I came across this article, “6 Habits of Remarkable Likable People” on INC’s web site and loved Jeff Haden’s points, especially about how to ask good questions to learn more about the person you are talking to (number 3 about whipping out “social jiu-jitsu”) and number 6, “They ask for nothing.” This is powerful in negotiations too, really understanding the other person and their position helps you to create better agreements. And it just makes you more likable. The key to these habits is that you are genuine, not on a manipulation exercise. The minute you start doing any of them in order to get something, you’ve become less likable.

Spend a few minutes to read the article; which habit will you pick to expand upon as you thrive more this week?

Here’s to your increased likability and thriving!

“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”  - Daniel Goleman

In my coaching, I have found that people are hungry for this skill and too often we have not developed it enough in ourselves to be able to model it well. Consider how you can continue to grow your empathy skills for more thriving this week.

 “I have decided to stick with love; hate is too big of a burden to bear.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

In order to thrive, I need to choose love over hate. Especially when it appears that the person or group is more deserving of hate. Our great stories of revenge do not support this view, it takes courage to go this way. It is an act of bravery to face hate or betrayal with love instead of more hate and revenge. Love still means justice for those who have committed crimes and of course this is critical in order to hold people accountable. It is just the way the justice is done that makes the difference. This love approach can also make a big difference in the workplace. Firings and Lay-offs done in a more loving way can result in employees who do not necessarily hate the company or manager that delivered the bad news (and minimize the risk of workplace violence). If I go after the competition with admiration for their tactics that took my customers away then I can open up to more creativity to make my company better in the end. If I become mired in hating the competition then my creativity is squelched and they have even more opportunities to take my customers away and my business suffers.

Love is the way to go. Come from a place of love when you are working with your colleagues and you will accomplish so much more. When I am clear on my boundaries and I can walk away from a work or personal relationship that is not working for me and do it in a loving way, then I do not bear the burden of holding on to hate and resentment.

Love is the only choice if I want to thrive. Spread the Love on this Happy Valentine’s Day!