My Daily List

The My Daily List Winter Olympics debriefing.

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:54:00 +0000

1. Canada's getting a little uppity.

2. Lindsey Vonn's publicist clearly suggested that she squirt a few when she won a medal so her endorsement prices would go through the roof. Not only did she have trouble with her phony tears, an interviewer asked her, "hey, what's up with the crying, everyone says that's totally not like you."

3. NBC continues to prove that they are terrible when it comes to Olympic coverage (and most other things.) Do they have anyone who can simply provide sports commentary and not catty behind-the-scenes nitpicking of every athlete. And what's up with that Mary Carillo? You can't understand half of the words coming out of her mouth (apparently she stores marbles in her mouth) and she's still boring. Give me the animated corpse of Jim McKay over any of them.

4. Can we agree that "figure" skating no longer exists. If you don't recall, real figure skaters had to skate figures between their short and long routines and if they didn't have the control and skill to FIGURE skate, they didn't win a medal. Now it's all jazz hands and lip-pouting. The whole thing needs a new name. Ice Flouncing?

5. Poor Shaun White. How sad to have an Olympic event created because you exist and realize that no one can beat you. He did his very best to appear excited by his gold medal but he had all the feigned enthusiasm of a frat boy trying to drag Mardi Gras into Ash Wednesday.

6. What's with all the terrible comedy writers (yes, SNL, you suck) making jokes about curling? It's the only interesting winter sport outside of hockey.

7. The International Olympic Committee claims that they are "morally" responsible for a Georgian luger death. I'm not sure if they've confused "morally" with "legally" or if they're admitting that they'd rather burn in Hell than settle a wrongful death suit.

8. I've only been to Canada for a few hours. Are there really as many Mounties as the closing ceremony suggested?

9. Wouldn't platform diving be much cooler if they moved it from the summer to the winter games?

10. Now that the coverage is over, we can all get back to hating Jay Leno.

The Sarah Palin guide to who can and cannot use the word "retard".

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:48:00 +0000

1. Rahm Emanuel - absolutely not.
2. Rush Limbaugh - of course, what are you, a retar . . . I mean, don't be foolish.
3. David Letterman - nope.
4. Playgirl models - nope.
5. People who use teleprompters - nope.
6. People who write buzz words on their hands because their principles are so shallow they're hard to remember - you betcha.
7. Partisan whores who are willing to exploit special needs children, even their own, if it advances their career - yes, but only in strategy sessions and not in public when cameras are present.
8. Uppity bloggers who write posts about scumbags - who knows but keep an eye on Fox News to see if they provide an answer.

5 ways to tell if your elective representative to Congress is a Democrat.

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 16:26:00 +0000

1. Place it in a large paper bag. Thoroughly wet the bag. If it sits impotently waiting for someone from the other side of the aisle to help it, it's a Democrat.

2. Present it with a small child who has a lollipop. Tell it that it must have the lollipop and cannot take no for an answer. If it develops a compromise in which all citizens must purchase a lifetime supply of lollipops from Big Candy Companies, it's a Democrat.

3. Ask it to change a lightbulb. If it says the task is impossible without the help of 59 other people, it's a Democrat.

4. Ask it to start a recreational basketball team. When the team arrives at the gym for the first game ask it if it is prepared to win the game. If it insists that adding touchdowns and homeruns is a contingency of even playing the game, it's a Democrat. If it insists that the other team be given a 100 point head start, it's a Democratic leader.

5. Make a peanut butter sandwich that the two of you will share. Tell it that you will cut the sandwich in half but that it will get to pick a half first. Cut the sandwich into 4/5 and 1/5 pieces. If it picks the smaller piece and then dances about excitedly shouting "Woo hoo! Sucka!!"it's a Democrat.

The Sandra Bullock Step-By-Step Guide to Winning an Oscar

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:12:00 +0000

Step one: (this is the hard part.) Spend years making movies in which you play characters that middle-aged women say are totally just like their best friends (but secretly think are totally like them.)

Step two: Make sure that you're attractive so that middle-aged women's boyfriends/husbands don't mind being forced to watch your movie BUT not so attractive that the boyfriends/husbands think you're out of their league.

Step three: Hire a publicist who specializes in convincing others that you deserve an Oscar.

Step four: Convince a studio executive that it's more cost-effective to push your average genre movie as an Oscar contender than to invest money and effort into a prestige film.

Step five: Flatter a group of bloggers and small-town movie reviewers by saying that you truly care about their opinion of your new movie and that you would like to include their thoughts in your nationally broadcast commercials. (Ignore any that don't fall for the flattery and tell you the truth.)

Step six: Join the ranks other great actresses like Sally Kirkland, Melanie Griffith, Sharon Stone, and Madonna by winning a Golden Globe.

Step seven: Participate in a long interview in which you discuss how difficult it was to portray a human woman and how the opportunity to do so allowed you to transition from comedienne to serious actress. Be certain to express this in the form of a thank you as in "thank you for allowing me to transition from comedienne to serious actress" Repeat these responses to anyone who will interview you.

Step eight: Have your publicist send out a press release committing one million dollars to poor suffering people. (If the Oscar race doesn't coincide with a natural disaster, consider adopting a baby with dark brown or yellow skin. DO NOT adopt a baby with light brown skin since your public wants to keep them in their own countries.)

Why did My Daily List fall off the face of the Earth?

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:22:00 +0000

1. After years of hobo obsession, he finally packed his bindle and hit the open road.
2. My Daily List was designed to continue for 1001 lists but walking away from the responsibility of writing a daily list is best for the fine people of Alaska.
3. You don’t know it yet but mydailylist made it through Hollywood week and is one of the top 24 on American Idol.
4. He decided to rest on his laurels but he recently received his laurels in the mail and realized that they are highly unrestful bay leaves, so screw it.
5. He was content to simply watch television in the evening without the burden of writing a list. Then, Julia Roberts made a movie and they started showing a commercial with her donkey-face laughing that laugh that makes angels punch babies. So he started listing again.
6. He's been spending a lot of time in Crawford rockin' and reminiscin on the front porch with W.
7. He briefly took over Jay Leno's blog but then that jerk decided he wanted it back.

8. My Daily List's primary audience was women over the age of 90 so his following eventually died off. Now he's back to appeal to a fresher, younger audience with lists on such diverse topics as the Korean War, frozen TV dinners, and Ed Sullivan.

9. Had been distracted by the shiny ribbons from Christmas presents.

10. What? He stopped listing? I didn't notice.

5 popular activities used by caricaturists

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 05:24:00 +0000

1. Driving a dune buggy
2. Skateboarding
3. Fishing
4. Reading a good book
5. Corning beer

German Expressionist films worth checking out

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 03:01:00 +0000

1. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
2. The Golem
3. Metropolis
4. M
5. Nosferatu

World flags which suggest that Santa may live there

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 03:11:00 +0000

1. Bangledesh

2. Belarus

3. Burundi

4. Grenada

5. Norfolk Island

6. Turkmenistan

People who have played Sherlock Holmes

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:36:00 +0000

1. Robert Downey Jr.
2. Basil Rathbone
3. Matt Frewer
4. Nicolas Rowe
5. Peter O'Toole (ok, they were cartoons but come on, Peter O'Toole!)
6. Peter Cushing
7. Eille Norwood (47 times in silent movies which is three times as many movies as Rathbone.)

Things December could do without

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 03:43:00 +0000

1. Candy canes
2. Exchanging gifts with co-workers
3. Holiday specials starring former American Idols
4. People whining about Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc not embracing Christmas
5. Egg nog

Excellent Christmas season commericials

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 03:20:00 +0000

1. Ronco Bottle and Jar Cutter
2. Santa Riding a Norelco Electric Shaver
3. Various K-Tel music collections
4. Coca Cola - I'd like to teach the world to sing
5. Biz Markie - Oh snap, guess what I saw

5 indications that I have an iPhone problem

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:31:00 +0000

1. Life is structured around charging stations.

2. New pet name for the wife: 32 gigs.

3. Unwilling to participate in any future time-travel opportunities unless I can remain linked to the iTunes store and Internet.

4. Human interactions tend to revolve around me showing people my new apps.

5. People avoid asking me about this weather since I have to show them doppler radar animations.

iPhone apps worth a look

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:01:00 +0000

1. IMDB - Movie Genie kept us going but it's about time they gave us movie nerds what we need.
2. iAssociate - it's a little clunky but a good idea for a word game.
3. Pocket Sitcom - if you need applause, hoots, or the right musical interlude to make your real life as interesting as TV.
4. Durak - I'd never heard of this card game before but now that I know how to play I can certainly adapt it to gambling.
5. Dragon Diction - free for now but something worth paying for if you need diction converted to text in the blink of an eye.
6. Pixo - it will need regular updates to make it a keeper but it's a great idea for a photo based game.
7. Gold Dust - free and useless but sparkly.
8. Yearbook Yourself - yes, it's old news but it's still endlessly funny.
9. WhatsApp Messenger - iPhone to iPhone messaging with notification which now supports audio and photos.
10. Traffic Rush - maybe the next Flight Control?

Indications that it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:35:00 +0000

1. Students are cramming for finals
2. Stores are making plans to discount the Christmas-themed Snickers to make room for the Valentines-themed Snickers.
3. Radio stations have abandoned Bruce Springsteen's labored attempt to sing Born to Run in favor of his labored attempt to sing Santa Claus is Coming to Town.
4. I've been invited to a half-dozen work related holiday parties all of which have the exact same guest list. (How have you been since I saw you 20 minutes ago?)
5. I've seen the 8 hour VHS copy of classic holiday animated specials - a family tradition that continues even though DVD versions have been purchased.

Things you might stir into your pancake batter

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:53:00 +0000

1. Chipotle and chocolate chips
2. Crushed peanut brittle
3. Lemon zest and ricotta cheese
4. Country sausage and pistachios
5. Orange zest and Liquor 43 (think Creamcicle)

The trouble with elves

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:54:00 +0000

1. The male and female elves look alike leading to some awkward moments at the holiday party.
2. Stupid bells on their shoes get tiresome after a while.
3. There's a quiet tension in the workshop since a group of trouble-makers unionized.
4. They're groin high.
5. They're always busy making toys whenever you ask them to get the sleigh and help you move a couch.

6 famous writers who slummed in Hollywood

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 04:02:00 +0000

1. F. Scott Fitzgerald

2. William Faulkner

3. George Bernard Shaw

4. John Steinbeck

5. Graham Greene

6. P.G. Wodehouse

Potential names for the Mac tablet

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 05:52:00 +0000

1. iPhone Venti
2. iSmudges
3. Nerd Anchor
4. Appbook
5. $700 I don't have

5 scary ventriloquist dummies - can you name the source?

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:46:00 +0000

1. The Great Gabbo (nope, not from The Simpsons)

2. Fats

3. Willy

4. Hugo Fitch (just watched this and it was pretty good)

5. Hugo (an homage to Hugo Fitch)

5 reasons it might be worth inducing a chemical coma until January 2nd

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 03:59:00 +0000

1. Shopping for perfect gifts
2. Fulfilling unrealistic expectations
3. Satisfying everyone's need to host me
4. Egg nog
5. The total lack of effort on the part of television executives to pacify me

New Christmas specials in the age of uninteresting famous people

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:43:00 +0000

1. Sean Hannity's War On Christmas Variety Hour
2. Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Ego-Trip: Xmas Edition
3. Sarah Palin's 8 Days of Christmas (She signed on to do twelve days but quit after eight)
4. The Little Squawker Boy: Kenny G's Jewish Christmas
5. Barbara Walter's The Very First Christmas: An Eye-witness Account

My favorite new Roku channels

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:14:00 +0000

1. TWIT
2. Revision 3
3. Pandora
4. Mediafly
5. Flickr

My 10 favorite COPS characters

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:25:00 +0000

1. Casual guy without shirt
2. Girl who didn't know her boyfriend had crack in the car
3. Odd looking hooker who turns out to be a dude
4. Guy with baggy pants who can't run very well
5. Computer tech cruising for meth
6. Fleeing driver who crashes into a tree
7. Stoned girl without a drivers license
8. Guy who acts tough until the police dogs arrive
9. Naked traffic stop person
10. Bad boys bad boys

Christmas gifts for nerds - part one?

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:05:00 +0000

1. Red Shirt Cologne
2. Tauntaun Sleeping Bag
3. Wonder Twins Costume Shirts Zan and Jayna
4. Live Long and Prosper Stadium Hand
5. Light Saber Chopsticks

Big band leaders whose names weren't Goodman, Dorsey, or Miller

noreply@blogger.com (My Daily List) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:43:00 +0000

1. Artie Shaw
2. Paul Whiteman
3. Jimmie Lunceford
4. Stan Kenton
5. Tex Beneke
6. Woody Herman
7. Lionel Hampton
8. Duke Ellington
9. Count Basie
10. Gene Krupa