i choose an over-sized chair to sit in near an electrical outlet so i can plug in. my beverage order is taken. i even get a muffin that i’ll probably only eat half of because it’s so enormous. the muffin is placed on a chipped plate, coffee is handed to me and both of these delectable items join my iphone on top of a small mosaic table.

i sit in a coffee stop. i’m wearing my favorite jeans, though it’s over 100 degrees outside today. my jeans that i hardly ever wash because they fit with such comfort that it is as though they are a precious friend, enveloping me in the perfect hug. my hair is unwashed, curls are damp from humidity. my teeth are brushed.

wait.

runs tongue across teeth… tastes colgate.

yup, they are brushed.

but i forgot deodorant.

because i practically ran out the door this morning. this sunday morning. a morning where some families rush out the door to get to church on time… brunch on time… relatives’ houses on time.

i ran out the door to this coffee shop, this sanctuary, to escape.

and i now sit here feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt envelop me.

i have taken time for myself.

**********

my first “real” boss taught me the invaluable lesson of setting boundaries. i say “real” boss because i consider the time i spent working at a women’s crisis center, straight out of grad school, to be my first “real” job… a steady job. the income was crap, but it was a non-profit agency and i have a tendency to forget that one needs money in order to exist.

my emotions and passion had driven me to accept this job in the first place. my “save the world” mentality had entirely taken over and this was the job that was going to prepare me to save the world… from what, i still do not know, but dammit, i was goina save it from something.

anyone who works in a social work environment knows that it is taxing in ways that corporate america is not. i don’t say this to say one is better than the other. they are just simply different and come with different expectations and needs.

clients needs are different. emotions run high. often you operate in “crisis mode” when responding to a client’s needs because usually those needs are immediate. they come to you NOW because they need you NOW.

the day i turned my 2 weeks notice in to my boss, we both cried.

it was hard.

it’s hard to realize that you can’t save the world, no matter how damn hard you try.

she had taught me about boundaries.

she gave me my sharpie marker.

so, i popped the cap off and drew a straight line.

**********

i sit in a coffee shop. i wonder if life is filled with sharpie markers, some with their caps still tightly on, others with ink nearly gone.

i drew a line this morning.

i needed solace.

i knew exactly where i would go.

i drove here, envisioning these words in my mind, beginning this post in my head while sitting at traffic lights.

and yet, i sit here, now writing these words and feel guilty for taking a moment to put myself first.

i check my iphone for a text from my husband, my parents… from anyone who may possibly need me.

no messages.

because i’ve taken out my sharpie marker and drawn a line. no need to put up a sign that says “do not cross.”

the line speaks for itself.

it’s ok for me to say “no” sometimes.

1. 
   PrincessJenn Munching on fresh cheese buns from the bakery. It’s my own personal kind of heaven right now. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn i would so flash you for a fresh cheese bun right now. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   ArtistMother @PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp I would flash MY fresh cheese buns for one from a bakery. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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1. 
   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp @ArtistMother BWAHAHAHA you guys slay me. Waiting for the emailed pics 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp FTW!!!!!!!!!! RT @ArtistMother: @PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp I would flash MY fresh cheese buns for one from a bakery. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn GIVE ME THE BAKERY FRESH CHEESE BUN, WHORE!!! (crying, i’m laughing so hard… cuz i’m totally yelling this to you in NYC) 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp ROFL!! Come and get it, baby. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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1. 
   Anne54304 @PrincessJenn Would it be wrong of me to call you an evil food teasing bitch right now? 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn can you at the very least twitpic it???? please???? 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   PrincessJenn Picture of my cheesey buns for @MyBottlesUp 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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1. 
   PrincessJenn @PrincessJenn Well that didn’t work. Way to go tweetdeck. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn YOU ARE A TEASE!!!!!!!!! A CHEESE BUN TEASE WHORE!!!!!!!!! 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   PrincessJenn OK this time for reals. Cheesey buns: http://twitpic.com/27czbw http://twitpic.com/27czzb 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn you should see the size of my eyes…. because they would frighten you. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   PrincessJenn Oh, and this might be for dessert, @mybottlesup. Don’t hate. http://twitpic.com/27d0ef 21 Jul 2010 from Twitpic

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn might?!?!?! there’s already one missing!!!!!! 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp Wasn’t me. I swear. One of the girls at group stole one 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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1. 
   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn and was her name vista??? and did she give it to her mommy??? #youarefullofshit 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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1. 
   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp LOL!! NO, I swear. I bought them before group and share them as a mommy’s snack. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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1. 
   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp What I didn’t show you is all the cream puffs we may have eaten which is why only one cinnamon bun is gone. lol 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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so, in order to fully embrace the pink elephant that has existed for nearly 10 months, here’s the deal… i gave my ticket away. months ago. it’s gone. been gone. to a wonderful human being… to someone i admire, someone i respect and someone who continues to blow my mind with her strength and inner growth.

my only regret is that i will not be able to hug this amazing woman.

**********

but back to the elephant… my hate mail has heightened since another blogger, a very well-known blogger, endured her own experience very recently and posted about it. as per usual, word spread quickly in the blogosphere and in the land of twitter.

as for me, i was at my cousin’s wedding, in austin, tx, when this occurred and yet my phone blinked and vibrated with incoming messages, emails and tweets.

and when i felt my phone vibrating inside of my clutch, i was left to assume there was some sort of internet drama taking place that people were making me aware of. (after all, i was sitting in a chapel with my entire extended family. obviously no one was trying to reach me about the death of a family member. those calls are the worst.)

anyway, i don’t know catherine. we do not correspond on twitter or elsewhere. but once i got myself up to speed on her story, her experience, i empathized with her. while i may not know her or “know” her (as those of us bloggers can come to “know” one another without truly knowing one another), or even be one of her eleventy followers, i empathized.

**********

then i read a thought-provoking post yesterday on mamapop.com and i couldn’t help but take some time to be quiet and reflect.

**********

how quick we are to respond… myself included.

but how slooooow we are to let go. i mean truly LET GO.

we want instant gratification.

and ultimately…

life is too short.

**********

part of me envies this nifty aspect of men that i have heard about and even been witness to on rare occasions. men are wired so differently than women, and whether the “grudge-holding” wire was once cut in their brain and thus set a precedent… i dunno… point being, men get over shit.

some men.

those men who still have that wire fully intact, find themselves emailing me and/or commenting me just as much hate as women, or referring to me in the comments section of other blogs as one of the “few bad apples to leave such a strong impression,” or continuing to create false twitter accounts using my picture and/or name.

so i ask you, yes YOU, those of you who continue struggling with letting go…

have you thought for just one second that you have prejudged?

have you been criticized yourself? like, ever? on a continual basis?

have you had others bring shit up to you that causes you to roll your eyes and think to yourself “really?!? you’re STILL thinking about this and asking me about it AGAIN?!?”

and lastly, why on earth can’t you let go?

**********

if you think that i’m not talking about YOU in this post, you’re wrong.

i am. all of you.

but don’t worry, you won’t see me in NYC. i’m visiting friends the sunday and monday after the conference. i won’t run into you.

i’m not giving the keynote.

but if i were, it would have been something along the lines of this post, because ultimately, this ugliness that continues to manifest itself here and there is not about me, it’s not about catherine either or any other blogger who has posted something remotely controversial on their blog.

it’s about us all.

actually, we have not even been trying.

the baby-bug is gone.

squashed, infact.

we’ve dodged circumstances regarding paul’s job twice in the last few months since i had my IUD removed.

our almost 27 month old magoo has fully embraced the “terrible twos” and poses many-a-challenge on a daily basis right now.

**********

i’m scared.

there, i said it.

i’m entirely scared… of a lot of things.

**********

i loathe planning things that end up getting changed. by nature, i’m a planner. i like knowing what is coming next. and when things are set in place, i get set in place.

we don’t know what’s coming next in terms of paul’s work. quite frankly, we never do. and while that’s no surprise because it’s always been that way, it’s still this in-your-face thing that smacks me every so often and says, “ha ha, whatever control you thought you had over your life, YOU DON’T!!!”

that is a tough reality for me to face.

i’m not a good military wife. i don’t do well when paul is gone. as much as i like to think of myself as being independent and self-sufficient and all “i don’t NEED him to function,” that’s not entirely true.

i do need him.

**********

at some point in time, once we have fulfilled our orders here in maryland, paul will take a job that will require him to be gone. we don’t know for how long, but we know this is inevitable.

we will be in maryland for another year and a half.

during that year and a half, paul SHOULD NOT be sent away.

so it’s ideal for baby-making time, right?

right!!!

but… i’m scared.

i’m scared to be left alone, without a partner. i’m scared to be a single parent. i don’t know if i can do it. and i don’t WANT to raise a kid(s) without paul around.

the few trips paul has taken within the last few months (and they have been short trips, only lasting a few days at a time) have brought me to my knees. i have complete admiration for single parents and all they do… because they DO IT ALL.

**********

so here i am, scared… of the unknown… of not even being able to predict what is next for us… and i’m allowing this fear to get the best of me.

i am holding us back.

**********

jackson was a surprise. and we just made it work. we never had to have the back and forth conversations, asking one another if we were “ready.”

maybe it’s easier that way?

maybe it’s never easy?

i don’t know.

i do know that i want more kids. and i know that now is “a good time” to get pregnant. paul would be home for the entire pregnancy and for a good amount of time after the baby would be born.

but then what?

then we would move, again, possibly further away from family than we are now… and then paul would be gone for extended periods of time, leaving me with a school-age magoo and a wee-new-magoo.

**********

so here i am. scared.

i don’t want to be scared.

i want the baby-bug to sting me again.

i think…

for the record, spanx totally serve their purpose and i’m very grateful for the ones that have the pee hole in them because pulling those things down to pee and then back up is next to impossible, especially after consuming wine. so thank you for the pee hole, spanx.

(no, they did not pay me to say that. i’m just generous.)

where was i???

ah yes, i’m behind on everything…

1) groceries
2) photography projects
3) deadlines… self-imposed and non-self-imposed
4) web projects
5) finishing the book
6) blogging
7) washing my hair
figuring out why this stupid smiley icon with sunglasses is in place of #8 of my list
9) emailing artist about new tattoo concept
10) writing about new tattoo concept
11) responding to emails that have sat in my inbox for way too long
12) making fun of pitches i have received (stop calling me “Mrs. Bottle”)
13) reading up on YOUR blogs
14) bills ::headdesk::
15) keeping up with blogher@home
16) potty-training the magoo
17) promoting the calendar i got naked for
18) spraying myself with tan in a can b/c it’s too damn hot to go outside
19) researching preschools for the magoo
20) bathing
21) cleaning my kitchen that is fruit-fly-infested *gag*

in other news… my husband is hot and he watches out for paparazzi. due to his hotness, the above list has gone to shit.

i am scarred from falls and spills… from shaving my legs. scarred from a c-section. scarred from ink-filled needles.

i am giggly and silly in this skin. serious when needed, but not often. round in places that were once flat. squishy in places that were once tight. stretched yet sexy. still fun in this skin of mine.

i am anxious in this skin. worried at times that it’s not what it “should” be or what it used to be. it’s not what it used to be. it never will be. and i’m learning that’s ok because in this skin, i’m still me.

i am curious in this skin of mine. wondering what visible changes take place next, what more this body can take on and overcome. who i am to become in this skin.

proud of my curves and rolls that my skin now has… and watching the skin on my fingers tremble just to type that out…

proud.

**********

in this skin, i am being photographed by my husband.

a moment of intimacy that will last a lifetime.

**********

in this skin, i will be participating in a project that i am truly honored to be a part of… because it celebrates all of our skin and what it forms… our bodies. us.

i encourage you to visit the blogger body calendar project and learn how to celebrate your skin, your body, yourself, while sending a positive and uplifting message to those we love and care about so much.

please visit the blogger body calendar project on twitter as well… following the messages of encouragement and empowerment as myself and 11 other amazing bloggers journey together.

lastly, check out the blogger body calendar project on facebook, and “like” the page, sharing it with others.

thanks. a lot.

love,
nic’s skin

i am passionate. very passionate. and i highly doubt that will change either.

***feel free to click on the little “x” to close your browser. no hard feelings.***

yesterday, i came across this piece of information via huffingtonpost.com with regards to a potential nevada senator… a potential female senator for the state of nevada… a woman.

Since winning the Republican nomination in the Nevada Senate race Sharron Angle has drawn attention and controversy for a host of conservative policy prescriptions that seem well outside the political mainstream. Now, a Democratic source has passed along a radio interview she did back in January 2010 that could end up topping the list.

In an segment that has gone unnoticed since it first aired, the Tea Party-backed candidate told the Bill Manders show — a favorable platform for Republican candidates — that she opposed abortion even in cases of rape and incest. A pregnancy under those circumstances, she said, was “God’s plan.”

it should be noted that i’m not making this about the republican party v. the democratic party. my personal disgust with this woman and her public stance with regards to abortion has nothing to do with her political party. to be fair to each party however, i did visit both the nevada state democratic and republican party websites. the “top story” on the nevada republican party website does involve sharron angle, however, it does not address her opposition to abortion, so i chose not to quote it.

my issue has to do with the subject matter that is being addressed. rape. incest. abortion. god.

***again, feel free to click the little “x” to close your browser. still, no hard feelings.***

upon visiting the nevada state democratic party website, i came across this piece of information with regards to the same potential nevada senator and the same radio interview mentioned above…

When asked by conservative radio talk host Bill Manders whether she would support banning abortion even in cases of rape or incest Angle said there was no acceptable reason for an abortion because “God has a plan.”

Manders: Is there any reason at all for an abortion?

Angle: Not in my book.

Manders: So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?

Angle: You know, I’m a Christian and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.”

suffice to say, this makes me ill. absolutely ill.

so, for those of you who stuck around and did not click on the “x” and close your browser… thoughts?

**********

there’s this wee little babe that was once created by a dear friend and i with the purpose of building relationships and friendships through an online community during the exact same weekend that other bloggers would be attending a conference that serves a similar purpose in real life.

if you’re curious as to HOW BlogHer@Home.com became the lovely lass she is today… click here and then read our love story and THEN ask (or remind) yourself WHY BlogHer@Home?

**********

done with our history lesson?

so, answer me this, oh readers of mine… WHY AREN’T YOU PARTICIPATING?

this year we have two INCREDIBLE WOMEN who are cohosting and we have a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF GIVEAWAYS.

so, in order to find out what gives, i’m conducting a poll… it’ll remain anonymous, unless you want to leave a comment below with your info.

i wanna know, why aren’t y’all participating, getting free shit, connecting with people through @BlogherAtHome on twitter and watching the hashtag for #BHAH to see when winners for giveaways are announced, when twitter parties are coming up, and how this whole thing is going down?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.