i pulled only a couple of all-nighters in grad school. staying up late, if not all night, to finish papers was not something that i did often. mostly because i felt like butt the following day and it would take me three times the amount of sleep to feel human again. so i didn’t do it much.

but i do remember the feeling of having pulled an all-nighter and then going to class and acting like a competent person. it hurt my brain.

and i can now say that i am so much more, LIKE MUCH MUCH MORE, INFINITELY MORE exhausted at this exact moment in time than i ever have been before.

though i do a lot of sniffing of this little fuzz head and that helps. because nothing compares to the sweet sniffs of an infant’s teeny fuzz head. NOTHING, I TELL YOU.

i’m doing my best at this whole mothering two children sort of thing. i can say that without a doubt. but as we all know, sometimes ones best isn’t enough. and late at night when i’m nursing sawyer and jackson wakes up with a fever of 103 degrees and i call my mother-in-law at 7:45 in the morning in tears, i definitely do not feel like enough.

i’m trying to take things one step at a time. one day at a time. one hour at a time.

i’m enjoying these kids so much. learning about sawyer is exciting and new. and seeing jackson as a big brother is just stinkin incredible. he is this whole other kind of grown up that i could never have prepped myself for… prepped my heart for… because he truly is doing such a terrific job with the transitions that he has going on right now. being man of the house.

we’ve gratefully enjoyed help from friends and family members. i’ve braved an outing to target with both kids because i ran out of toilet paper. i learned that i can order diapers off amazon and have them delivered to my doorstep (WHY DID YOU ALL KEEP THAT A SECRET FROM ME?!?)

i find myself taking lots of walks with my kids. explaining the florida heat to sawyer, and looking at bugs with jackson. we try and keep paul as updated as possible on our non-happening happenings by sending him pictures and videos. we can’t wait to have him back home.

in the meantime, i just keep going, keep trying, keep doing what i can to be enough to them… enough to me. i’m trying. then failing. sometimes succeeding. very rarely sleeping. kissing skinned knees and baby toes. marveling at my kids. and attempting to keep my head above water.

i never thought i would have a daughter. it wasn’t that i didn’t want one, or that i preferred boys to girls. i just didn’t ever imagine having a daughter. it didn’t enter my realm of thought. when i considered one day having children, i just assumed that i would be a mother of males.

my mom told me a couple of weeks ago that she always hoped i would experience having a daughter.

and i get it now. i get why she would hope that for me.

because i’m hoping the same for my own daughter… one day.

the relationship i have with my mother is one of the strongest relationships i have ever had with another person. it is unbreakable. no other relationship i have can be compared to it. that’s not to say that the other relationships fall short by any means. it just cannot be compared to what my mom and i share.

mom has been the backbone of my support system for this pregnancy. when we were told paul would be gone for sawyer’s birth, i asked mom to be with me in the OR when her granddaughter was to be born. when we were later told paul would be home for sawyer’s birth, mom humbly and respectfully stepped aside, taking care of the big-brother-to-be at home for us. she was in her car and on her way to us the night that my water broke, and she remained with me and my kids until after my husband was called away.

the sacrifices my mom makes for me are never ending.

mom has been a sounding board to us, listening to both paul and i talk about our fears when it comes to parenting two children, our fears about being apart while parenting two children both now and a year from now when he will deploy again… our hope to be everything to everyone.

she has been everything to us.

similar to when we named jackson 4 years ago, it was important to us that our daughter be named after someone of equal importance and admiration.

jackson ray. named after two of our grandfathers. two men who significantly impacted both mine and paul’s lives in different ways. two men who were astoundingly similar in character though one never knew the other. two men, gifted in carpentry, solid in their skill set, hard on the outside and mush on the inside. both gone now with their names living on in our son.

sawyer lynn. named after my mom, the daughter of one of these cherished carpenters. “sawyer” literally meaning carpenter, forever connecting her with her brother and the men he is named after. building upon the idea of building. building a family. building a friendship. building a life.

and constructing one of the most exquisite bonds in existence today, the bond between a mother and her daughter.

how YOU doin?

us? me? aren’t you sweet for asking.

we’ve been fine. really. we aren’t the first family to say goodbye to a loved one who is deploying, and we certainly aren’t the last. we have been counting our blessings that paul was able to be here for sawyer’s birth, and we are counting them even more knowing that this deployment will be very short compared to others. we are remembering to be grateful and not greedy.

we are also repeating the above paragraph to ourselves as many times a day as needed to believe it.

… having an attitude of gratitude is hard to do when you’re in the middle of an airport, dropping off your husband, with a newborn strapped to your chest and a screaming 4 year old who is trying to run off and go with his dad.

(dear two old ladies who cried while watching my son, i’m sorry.)

even then, that was a week ago.

life keeps going on.

so we have… been going… on and on and…

then it hits me like a MACK EFFING TRUCK that i have TWO kids.

and holy crap, are they so smitten with one another. so yeah, we’re fine.

this whole idea of having one child and loving that child ENDLESSLY and ENTIRELY, and then somehow your heart makes room to love another.

how does that happen?

much to say, much to share, and so very much to be grateful for.

we have our beautiful Sawyer Lynn and are falling deeper and deeper in love with each passing minute.

thank you to all who have sent us your well wishes, prayers, good energy, sweet gifts, messages on facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. we appreciate every last one.

SHE’S HERE, YOU GUYS! SHE’S HERE!

pickle has not only taken up residence LIKE A BOSS in my bod, but she has done her own bits of remodeling in this mansion of mine. she’s installed a movie theatre, state of the art kitchen, sauna, and a guest house. what she has NOT included in her mansion is an exit strategy in case of emergencies.

not cool, man. not cool.

i am not dilated, effaced, or anything else fun “down there.” hell, she hasn’t even dropped. this child is straight up chillin, putting on weight (comin in close to 9 lbs now), and using me as a punching bag.

honestly, this comes as no surprise that pickle is sans exit strategy and just wants to bake. jackson was the same way. he never dropped and was too big for my pelvis, and this little lady is even bigger than he was at this stage in the game. so nah, i’m not surprised in the least.

i am however WANTING so desperately to go into labor. my trusted friend (also serving as my doula… ps, did you know there are doulas for c-section mamas too? because i didn’t and my world is rocked.) has me working hard to experience labor as much as i safely can before surgery, the main reason being to get my body prepared for breast feeding. i cannot fully convey how much i am wanting to be able to successfully breast feed this child of mine after what happened with jackson. needless to say, i am doing all that i can to prep myself and my body for becoming a boob juice making machine of awesome. the release of hormones during labor can help that, so let’s get our labor on!

yes, i have done my fair share of pregnant bitching and complaining about the size of this child. my heartburn makes me feel like i could vomit molten lava. the backaches cause me to take small breaks after i do something as menial as taking a shower. moving from my right side to my left while in a semi-reclined position practically takes a fork lift. bla bla bla… the list goes on and on.

but here’s the thing, if this baby needs a uterusmansion in which to grow and thrive and come into this world healthy, at least i am able to provide that for her. i am so grateful and lucky in that regard. yes this baby is HUGE, as was her brother, and these last 19+ days (if i make it) are going to be increasingly uncomfortable. i will continue to gather stares from people in the grocery store, overhear dumbass teenagers say to each other “DANG, SHE’S GOINA POP!” and then make that dumbass popping sound with their finger in their cheek. dumbasses. i will continue to make obscene grunts as i get up off the couch or halfway fall into my car.

i may not be able to vaginally birth these enormous babes of amazement, but i sure as hell can carry them.

i’m one of the lucky ones and my body is a wonderland. dammit.