Home and work life

• Never take a beer to a job interview.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
• Even if you’re sure you are included in the will, it is still tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining out

• If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
• Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining in your home

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not let the dog eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

• Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
• Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “Y’all sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.”

Weddings

• Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
• For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
• Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks AND shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

There are two reasons it is difficult to solve a redneck murder: There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Y’all come back now, hear?

• It’s so hot that I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
• It’s so hot that you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
• It’s so hot the sunflowers are looking for shade.
• It’s so hot, I want to take my skin off and sit in my bones.
• It’s so hot that the next book should be called Fifty Shades of Red.
• It’s so hot that I saw a panhandler with a sign ‘Will work for shade’.
• It’s so hot that I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.
• It’s so hot that I saw a stop sign melt.
• It’s so hot that cows are giving evaporated milk.
• It’s so hot that you eat jalapeños to cool off.
• It’s so hot that hot water comes out of both taps.
• It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
• It’s so hot my AC bill is higher than my mortgage.
• It’s so hot you start putting ice cubes in your waterbed.
• It’s so hot, Campbell Soup changed the directions to: Just pour and eat.

Okay, that’s all I can find right now. Send yours in comments.

RIDDLES

Q. What can rabbits have that no other animal can have?
A. Baby rabbits.

Q. What would a barefoot man get if he steps on an electric wire?
A. A pair of shocks.

Q. What game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
A. Catch.

Q. Why shouldn’t you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana?
A. Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

Q. What do you get if you cross a Hawaiian dancer with an Indian brave?
A. A Hula-whoop.

Q. Where do seahorses sleep at night?
A. In barn-icles.

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a daisy?
A. A collie-flower.

One Liners

Define “Stagecoach”: The Theater Arts teacher.

Use “Justice” in a sentence: It JUSTICE not right that she gets all the breaks.

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Yukon
Yukon who?
Yukon never get bored of geography.

It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

CRIME SCENE

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
“What happened?” asks the first officer.
“Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail.”
“Good grief,” says the second officer. “Didn’t we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?”
“You’re right. I’m afraid,” says the detective as he took a drag from his cigar. “This is the work of a cereal killer.”

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s too “yucky.”

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5,000; tux rental $100.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars and bottles.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don’t have to clean your house if the maid is coming.

You don’t mooch off other’s desserts; you order your own.

You don’t split small salad orders with your buddies – you often order two salads.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyles last for years – no, make that decades.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes equals one color for ALL seasons.

You can “do” your nails with your pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

It’s good to be a MAN … and don’t you forget it!

 “Ha! You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.”

“No, honey, that dress does not make you look fat. YOU make that DRESS look fat.”

“This vest is totally bullet-proof. I’d bet my life on it.”

“Whoops.”

“Hey, everybody, watch this!!!”

“Sure I know how to fly a plane. I just don’t know how to land one.”

“Oh yeah? You don’t look so tough.”

“Yes, I’m sure it’s perfectly safe.”

“No worries. Those cannibals are vegetarians.”

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

• 2 cups sugar
• ½ cup water
• 1 cup light syrup (Karo light)
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 cups raw peanuts
• 2 tsp butter
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 heaping tsp baking soda

Procedure:

1. Grease 15 ¼ X 10 ¼ X ¾ inch cookie sheet with butter. Smear butter on with paper towel.
2. In a skillet, combine the sugar, water, syrup, and salt on high heat, stirring constantly until it forms a string when you pull the spoon out.
3. Add peanuts, stir. When nuts start popping, it’s a good sign. Watch the color.
4. When color is a deep golden brown, remove from heat and stir in butter, vanilla, and baking soda. Stir it together very well.
5. Dump on cookie sheet and spread.
6. Cool until hard.
7. Drop pan on counter or other hard surface to break peanut brittle into pieces.
8. Enjoy.

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.

I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: “There is no Santa Claus,” she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her “world-famous” cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus?” she snorted….”Ridiculous! Don’t believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let’s go.”

“Go? Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it. I’ll wait for you in the car.” Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.

I was only eight years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.

For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough; he didn’t have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!

I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.

“Is this a Christmas present for someone?” the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes, ma’am,” I replied shyly. “It’s for Bobby.”

The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn’t get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” on it.

Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa’s helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby’s house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. “All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going.”

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.

Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were — ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

Last Friday night, after a nicely stressful short week, the wife and I decided to take in a movie. She wanted something scary, so it was between Apollo 18 and Don’t be Afraid of the Dark. Well, both of us being sci-fi buffs, we decided on Apollo 18. Or as my wife would tell it, I decided on Apollo 18. Of course, this was after we saw this cinematic disappointment.

First of all, if I’d known it would have been filmed  a-la-Blair-Witch, I never would have seen it. According to the movie, it was supposedly put together with footage recovered from this failed mission, so it was cut to this camera and that camera and another camera – very disjointed. The entire movie is horribly put together with scenes from supposedly different cameras that were on all the time capturing the entire mission. The actors were bad and the script was lame.

The mission of Apollo 18 is to supposedly set up monitoring equipment to watch the Russians during the Cold War sanctioned by the Department of Defense. However, with any good conspiracy, the DoD doesn’t tell the guys that there are little rock creatures that will infect them. In the end, it leaves the view wondering how any of this footage was “recovered” in the first place since none of the astronauts leave the moon.

As far as scary goes – there may have been some scary spots, but we were too numb to care.

Unless you are morbidly curious, my advice is to not waste your money. If you’ve seen the movie, I’d really like to read your comments.

Of course, GLBT groups are praising the move by DWTS, while others are condemning the casting choices. That’s find, everyone is entitled to an opinion.

Chaz Bono apparently tweeted, “I don’t listen to the haters, but embrace the love.” Haters? Just because someone doesn’t agree with you or your lifestyle does not make them a hater. I have a big problem with the way disagreement with some groups is called hate, but disagreement with other groups is called progressive thinking.

If someone disagrees with Christians, they are considered forward thinking individuals. However, those who disagree with GLBT people are haters. Sorry, but if all I do is disagree with you, it’s not hate. If I physically attack you because of your beliefs, well then that may be hate.

As far as Chaz and DWTS, I really have no opinion as I don’t usually watch the show anyway. But, last time I checked, every TV has an on/off switch and a way to change the channels. If you don’t want to watch DWTS for whatever reason – don’t.

Now, six Native American students at the University of North Dakota are suing because they are offended at the nickname of “Fighting Sioux”. That sounds like it is honoring a proud, strong people, not cutting them down. But, in fact, they say it hurts their self-esteem:

They also say it has had a ‘profoundly negative impact’ on their self image and psychological health, and has deprived them ‘of an equal educational experience and environment.’

What? I would have figured any people who have overcome as much adversity as the American Indian wouldn’t let a little thing like a name affect them so greatly. I guess I was wrong.

However, they do seem to have picked up on the “white man’s” proficiency to litigate well enough.

By the way, this “white man” was born in this country, so that make me, yep, native American.

Gay puppets

Two men who are roommates and best friends must be gay, right? I mean, there’s no way two straight men can be friends or roommates. Well, apparently, that’s what Lair Scott of Chicago wants to teach children.

He launched a petition to have the two Sesame Street characters get married to help gay and lesbian children feel better about themselves and teach tolerance. And, since gay marriage recently became legal in New York – and Sesame Street is set in New York – it’s the perfect venue.

I have never condoned hating anyone for any reason and I think we need to teach children that it is not okay to hate someone especially based upon the color of their skin, gender, religion, sexual preference, etc. Actually, I think we should teach children that it’s not okay to hate for any reason. But, let’s also teach them that two men or two women can be best friends and even be roommates without being gay. Let’s also teach them that two men can love each other without being “in love”.

So, marriage for Bert and Ernie? Sesame Workshop says that Bert and Ernie are just good friends and will not be getting married. Thank you, Sesame Workshop, for keeping a level head about this and not caving to such a stupid idea.

Pee-er skier

Allegedly, Robert “Sandy” Vietze, a member of the US Ski Team, had several alcoholic beverages before boarding the flight. He then, allegedly, left his seat to use the restroom, but instead, peed on a little girl about 5 rows back. According to published reports, the girl was briefly left alone by her father when Vietze began urinating on her leg. Also, according to published reports, Vietze said he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing and has refused to apologize.

I know 18-year-olds can do some stupid things, but this takes the cake. According to this website, the legal age in Oregon is 21. So, he shouldn’t have had anything to drink anyway because of his age.

Now, the question is, should he be booted from the ski team and barred from competing in the 2014 Olympics. I say, yes. Even if he does apologize to the girl and her family, the consequences should be severe. Athletes, actors, and other famous people think they can get away with anything simply because they are famous.

It’s time to show them that it doesn’t matter, they still need to face the consequences of their actions.

What do you think of the job President Obama is doing? Weigh in on the comments or answer the poll to the right.

• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Blue man group visit their genealogist. Genealogist says, ‘I have bad news’ and he’s holding a photo of papa smurf.
• What do you call a smurf with its pants down?  Blue moon.
• What’s blue and white and red all over? A smurf with a sunburn.
• What’s blue and white and goes round and round? A smurf stuck in a revolving door.

Well, that’s all the clean smurf jokes I could find. If you have any  clean smurf jokes you’d like to share, please do so in comments.

1. Never leave your pet in a parked car alone, even in shade. Ever.
2. Always provide fresh cool water. Take it with you if you are traveling with your pet.
3. Watch for dehydration. An overheated dog will drool excessively, become lethargic, and have bloodshot eyes.
4. Take walks early in the morning or late in the evening when it’s cooler.
5. If the pavement burns your feet, it will burn theirs. Be careful of hot pavement. Check paws after a walk.
6. Most dogs like to swim. If you have access to a lake, pond or pool, let your dog cool off. It is probably a good idea to rinse them off after a swim.
7. Dogs cool from the bottom up. Spray their paws and stomach, not just the top.
8. Don’t overfeed your pet. In hot weather, overfed pets can overheat.
9. Be careful of sunburn. Yep, they can sunburn, too. There are pet sunscreens available.
10. Know your pet. You will be the first to notice when your baby isn’t acting right.

If you have any tips, please feel free to comment.Also check out this portable chicken coops guide from the best adviser i found online here http://www.cheapportablechickencoop.com

So, that being said, here are some more it’s so hot jokes I’ve found…

• It’s so hot that I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.
• It’s so hot that I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.
• It’s so hot that birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
• It’s so hot that potatoes cook underground – just pull and add salt and butter.
• It’s so hot that I burn my tongue telling it.
• It’s so hot that you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
• It’s so hot that you discover you can drive your car with only 2 fingers.
• It’s so hot that you break a sweat the instant you step outside – at 6:30am.
• It’s so hot that sun tea is instant.

If you have any more, please leave them in comments.

• We may not be in Professor Flitwick’s class, but you still are charming.
• My love for you burns like a dying phoenix.
• Being without you is like being under the Cruciatus Curse.
• If I was to look into the Mirror of Erised, I would see the two of us together.
• What do you say we disapparate out of here.
• You know, when I said, “Accio hottie,” I didn’t expect it to work!
• Will you be my horcrux tonight, so l can give a piece of my soul to you?
• You must not be a Muggle, because you cast a spell on me.
• Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?
• I must need Occlumency, because I can’t get you out of my thoughts.
• I might as well be under the Imperius curse, because I’d do anything for you.
• Your smile’s like expelliarmus: simple but disarming.
• Did you survive Avada Kedavra? ‘Cause you’re drop dead gorgeous.
• I need a pensieve because my head is filled with thoughts about you.
• Cho Chang? More like Cha-Ching! Cause I just hit the jackpot.
• Would you like a butterbeer? It’s a portkey. Next thing you know we’ll be back at my place.
• I don’t need the mirror of Erised to know that you’re everything I desire.
• Did you use Relashio? ‘Cause there’s sparks between us.
• Did you slip some Firewhiskey into my drink, or are you just getting hotter?

Here in Northeast Oklahoma, we have been in the midst of a nasty heat wave.  With temperatures over 100 degrees every day and heat indices 10-20 degrees above that, it’s safe to say it’s freaking HOT!  So, that brings be to wondering just how many ways you can get the idea across just how hot it is, so I came up with this list:

• It’s so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
• It’s so hot that I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.
• It’s so hot that cows are giving evaporated milk.
• It’s so hot that you learn a seat belt makes a good branding iron.
• It’s so hot that when the temperature drops to 95, you feel chilly.
• It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
• It’s so hot that all the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air. The cows thought it was snowing and they froze to death.
• It’s so hot that Satan took the day off.
• It’s so hot that even the sun was looking for some shade.
• It’s so hot that I saw a dog chasing a cat … and they were both walking.
• It’s so hot that Dennis Rodman went out without a bra.
• It’s so hot that my thermometer says “Are you kidding?”
• It’s so hot that you discover asphalt has a liquid state.

Those are the one’s I’ve come up with or found on the internet.  If you have more, please leave a comment.

• Yo mama’s so fat that the Sorting Hat put her in all four houses!
• Yo mama’s so fat that a wingardium leviosa spell couldn’t lift her.
• Yo mama’s so fat, she makes Hagrid look like “Mini-me”.
• Yo mama’s so fat, she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge.
• Yo mama’s so ugly, even a dementor wouldn’t kiss her!
• Yo mama’s so fat the Sorting Hat assigned her to the House of Pancakes.
• Yo mama’s so old, she used to babysit Dumbledore.
• Yo mama’s so stupid, she thinks Sirius Black is a hip hop station on satellite radio.
• Yo mama’s so ugly that the whomping willow saw her and died.
• Yo mama’s so stupid she thinks Patronus is a kind of Tequlia.
• Yo Mama’s so fat, her Patronus is a Double-Whopper with Cheese.
• Yo mama’s so nasty, the Forbidden Forrest was named after her.
• Yo mama’s the reason that Dumbledore turned gay.
• Yo mama’s so old, her boobs look like two upside down Sorting Hats!
• Yo mama’s so fat, she used the invisibility cloak as a bib.
• Yo Mama’s so ugly, everybody calls her “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Naked”
• Yo mama’s so fat that even the Dementors can’t suck her soul out in one sitting.
• Yo mama’s so pasty, she makes Ron Weasely look like George Hamilton.
• Yo mama’s so fat, she looked in the mirror of Erised and saw a ham!
• Yo mama’s so old she gave Nicholas Flamel his first kiss.
• Yo mama’s so ugly that the Dementor’s Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime.
• Yo mama’s so stupid, she drowned in a pensieve
• Yo mama’s so dumb she thought that she could talk to snakes if she put parsley on her tongue
• Yo mama’s so nasty, every pair of her panties has the Dark Mark on them.
• Yo mama’s so fat that if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill.
• Yo Mama’s so ugly that even Voldemort won’t say her name.
• Yo Mama’s so poor she can’t even afford a Gringotts account.
• Yo mama’s so fat that the sorting hat couldn’t decide where to put her – she couldn’t fit in any of the houses!!
• Yo mama’s the only mute prostitue in Hogsmeade. They call her “dumb-le-whore”!
• Yo mama’s so fat, she ate the Death Eaters.
• Yo mama’s so masculine that Dumbledore would sleep with her!
• Yo mama’s so nasty that the order of the phoenix was “stay away from that woman!”
• Yo mama’s so poor that Dobby gave her a sock to keep her foot warm.
• Yo mama’s such a tramp that she’s given more rides than the Hogwarts Express!
• Yo mama’s so fat even Grawp can’t pick her up!
• Yo mama’s so smelly, Bertie Bott made her his next jelly bean flavor.
• Yo mama’s so fat that it takes two boggarts to shape-shift into her!
• Yo mama’s so ugly that she lost a beauty contest to Mountain Troll.
• Yo mama’s so ugly that when the bassalisk snuck up on her and saw her face, HE dropped dead.
• Yo mama’s breath is the secret ingredient in the Weasly’s Butterscotch Barf-ies.
• Yo mama’s so ugly that when she walked into Gringotts Wizarding Bank, they gave her a job application.
• Yo mama’s so ugly she turned the Basilisk to stone.
• Yo mama’s such a tramp that she’s like a quidditch broomstick – everyone gets a ride.
• Yo mama’s so skanky that the reason you’re called a Half-Blood Prince is because she has no idea who your father is!
• Yo mama’s so dumb that a stupify spell actually made her smarter.
• Yo mama’s so stanky that not even dobby would accept one of her socks.
• Yo mama’s so fat that even her Quidditch robes have stretch marks.
• Yo mama’s so old she makes Dumbledore look like a teenager.
• Yo mama’s so fat they’d have to use transfiguration to sneak her through the hole in the Gryffindor Tower.
• Ya mama’s so fat, her wand is a Slim Jim.
• Yo mama’s so fat the core of her wand has a creame filling.
• Yo mama’s so ugly that Voldemort took one look at her and killed HIMSELF!”
• Yo mama’s so poor she had to go to the Weasley’s for a loan.
• Yo mama’s so ugly, she thought that Hogwarts were the growth on her thigh.
• Yo mama’s so ugly that as a baby they had to use the Confundus Charm so the family would play with her.
• Yo mama’s so ugly she scares the Dementors away.
• Yo mama’s so ugly that when she asked Crabbe to take her to the Yule Ball, he decided to go with Goyle instead!

• He who throws dirt is losing ground.
• You can always find happiness at work on Friday.
• Do not mistake temptation for opportunity.
• A woman who seeks to be equal with men lacks ambition.
• If cookie still in one piece, play lotto.
• He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.
• Meh.
• He who laughs last thinks slow.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A cynic is only a frustrated optimist.
• A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind, and won’t change the subject.
• It doesn’t matter. Who is without a flaw?
• The world may be your oyster, but it doesn’t mean you’ll get its pearl.
• Flattery will go far tonight.
• The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
• The greatest danger could be your stupidity.
• He who laughs last is laughing at you.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt … then things get worse.
• Ignore previous fortunes.
• Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
• The fortune you seek is in another cookie.
• Today is probably a huge improvement over yesterday.
• Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
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• The world may be your oyster, but it doesn’t mean you’ll get its pearl.
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
• Oops…wrong cookie!

I would like to read fortunes you’ve received. Please comment!

Baker was declared the unofficial winner first, but when the election board certified the votes, it showed Smith as the winner with just a 7-vote lead. Of course, Baker wanted a recount, which I don’t blame him. The recount showed Baker as the winner with 266 votes. That’s quite a difference. There was also a difference in the total number of votes counted. Hmm.

Smith Challenged back. I don’t blame him, either. The Cherokee Tribal Court orders a count of the envelopes for absentee ballots and come up with over 300 more envelopes than ballots. Double-hmm.

They have now completed a second recount and the unofficial winner is Smith by 5 votes, however, the total number of ballots has again changed. According to a statement made by Baker in the Muskogee Phoenix, many had erasure marks and white-out on them. Triple-hmm.

It is clear that something is wrong. When someone counts the same ballots three different times and comes up with three different totals and varying tally results, something is drastically wrong. The system is broken.

In my opinion, they need to fix the election process and declare a ‘do-over’. Otherwise, the court will have to step in and declare a winner based upon the evidence it sees and possibly not what the Cherokee people want.

With several weeks of triple digit temps and/or heat indices, it is time for a break. I have been praying for a break in the temps and drought and, like Governors Fallin and Perry, I urge others to pray also.

But, stop for a moment and consider that while the price on everything we purchase has risen, so has the price on everything our city has to purchase as well. The City pays more for gasoline, diesel, electricity, pavement, equipment, repairs, etc. as well.

We citizens demand services from our city. In order for the city to provide these services, they must have appropriate funds to do so.

The people cry, “The streets need to be repaired!” In order to repair the streets, the city needs money to buy asphalt and other material.
The people scream, “The city needs to do something about storm drainage to keep our streets and homes and businesses from flooding!” But, in order to make those improvements, the city needs money.

To be fair, the more buildings and parking lots and driveways there are, the fewer places that rain and water have to go to soak into the ground. When water can’t soak into the ground, it runs off. If you get enough water running off with no place to go, there is flooding. So, it only seems fair that entities that have more impervious surfaces, and, therefore create more runoff, should pay more for the City to fix the problem.

Whatever the citizens demand, the city must have funds to deliver. Bottom line is, the city hasn’t kept fees in line with inflation, so now they are having to raise fees to get them in line. However, the fact remains Muskogee still charges lower fees than most cities and towns around. Even this impervious surface fee is lower.

Nobody likes paying taxes and fees, but in order for the city to provide the services its citizens demand, taxes and fees are the primary method of funding.

Like it or not, Muskogee needs this storm water fee.

See also: Storm water fees draw torrent of protests (Muskogee Phoenix)

I don’t dispute we have a problem with childhood obesity in America, but there are many things to blame for it and unhealthy eating is only one part of this problem. I also don’t dispute that McDonalds markets to children. However, instead of blaming some clown, maybe we should ask, “what is the parents’ responsibility in this?”

Companies have for years been targeting children in their marketing. Probably even more so now that parents  seem to have forgotten the word – “No”. I remember well that my parents knew that word and used it often. And I’m all the better for it.

Parents nowadays are too concerned with being their child’s friend instead of the authority figure they are supposed to be. Children have enough friends. They need structure and someone to enforce boundaries and provide guidance (parents). Children will take the path of least effort unless they are nudged in the right direction. Parents need to teach their children that there are temptations in this world and how to resist them. Unfortunately, many parents also take the path of least resistance, so when their little snowflakes throw a fit, they will give in and let the child have his or her way lest the little monster be upset.

Children are faced with temptation to take the easy path every day. Television, internet, video games, and movies all provide diversion to physical activity. Easy, greasy fast food provides a quick (and fattening) meal for busy families constantly on the move. Children do not use their imaginations any more like they used to.

Unless there are parents who are not afraid to say “no, you will do this instead” or “no, you will eat this instead”, firing a clown isn’t going to do anything to assuage the obesity problem in the US.

So, parents, tell your kids they can’t eat junk food every day; tell them to go outside and play, and run, and jump; restrict their time on the television and computer and have them read a book and use their imaginations; teach them to make good choices by your own example. In short – be their parent, not their friend.

Long live Ronald McDonald!