This is precisely why I do not wear ANYTHING empire waisted. That particular dress, I normally wear belted. But good to know it can double as maternity wear when the time comes, huh?

I can’t remember a more awkward moment in this vein since, back in high school, she persuaded my cousin to email me a long diatribe about boys, girls, and getting the milk for free. Or however that goes. (I know Mum was behind this. Trust me.)

Seriously. I was probably 15 at the time. Guess she hoped to get me early.

That whole thing about cows and milk? Words can’t express how much I despise this trope. It essentially implies that men only want women for sex. Like there’s no other reason a guy would ever want to marry a woman. (While no doubt this is true for some, it would be a huge mistake to tar all mankind with the same brush. Those are definitely not the kind of dudes you want to be marrying.)

While the intent is all well and good – protecting the honour of your sisters and daughters – this is incredibly demeaning to women. And actually, it’s rather harsh on men, too. Let’s give them some credit. Not all of them think with their junk 24/7.

It’s also obviously patently untrue. How many couples do you know that have lived together then gone on to tie the knot?

(Actually, I can think of someone who ditched a partner who didn’t put out and got with someone who did. They’re getting married now.)

Oh, and I was at a comedy show just the other night where another audience in a couple turned out to be newlyweds (2 years) but had been living together for 16 years before that. (I haven’t exactly been lighting a firecracker under our wedding plans, but we won’t be getting to that kind of ballpark, at least.)

Course, cohabiting is not always all it’s cracked up to be. I wouldn’t swap it for anything, but it’s definitely not a painless thing for us. Our story is much more like this than it is this.

There’ve been a couple of good pieces in the NY Times recently on this exact topic: this one points out that more and more professional types are maintaining separate dwellings and this one the fact that often we drift into cohabiting rather than making a clear-cut, conscious decision to. And as a result, “couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not”.

While we kind of slid into moving in together for practical reasons (in fact, before I was really ready), thankfully, it’s worked out (after all, disentangling your relationship is infinitely more difficult when you physically live together and have mingled other aspects of your lives). Given how different we are, I think moving in together for the first time as newlyweds would have been disastrous.

There’s the argument that cohabiting makes getting married less special. I can understand that. As it relates to us, I don’t buy it, but marriage means different things to different people (to me, it’s a new level of emotional reaffirmation/commitment).

Was I going somewhere with this?

Basically: live together or don’t – whatever. It’s not a one size fits all kind of thing. But the sooner that ‘buying the cow’ phrase disappears, the better.

Do you hate that saying? Or think it stands true? (I have friends who don’t support gay marriage; I can deal with differences of opinion. Outwardly, at least.)

Starting from when I could pick up a pen, I wrote. I wrote stories. I wrote diaries. I wrote songs. I wrote drafts of novels. I wrote blog posts. I wrote news articles and features and profiles.

But I’ve never really learned to take criticism all that well.

When faced with criticism, my heart and stomach sink. I flush red. It’s a little bit, I imagine, like that film camera technique where they track in and zoom out at the same (the dolly zoom?). The world skips a beat and fades away, the blood pounding in my ears quickens and grows louder.

Then a few weeks ago, we made a rare outing to the cinema when The Avengers came out. I had movie vouchers in my Entertainment Book, but for a different cinema chain; we’d have to drive all the way to Sylvia Park to get the deal, when there’s another movie theatre less than 5 minutes’ drive from home. I decided the extra long drive didn’t warrant the savings, so scotched that idea, and we headed to our local and paid full price. We were in a rush to make the next screening, so again, I didn’t stop to actually confirm the price of a Saturday daytime ticket (which has gone up). In hindsight, it might have been worth it to make the drive …

Have you ever bought something without knowing how much it cost? 

Likewise, the proliferation of creative agencies also baffles me. But business is business, right? Some of these guys are doing seriously stupendous work, be it for up-and-coming challenger brands or refreshing the likes of Nike and Fila. I wish I was more visually creative… I’d love to be doing work like that (although not working those crazy hours). Outstanding advertising is art in its own right.

To the point: I was lucky enough to be at Semi-Permanent this weekend, a creative and design conference featuring ad types, illustrators, artists, designers, filmmakers.  (I was stoked to see a lot of Asian faces in the audience – too many of us still get stuck following our parents’ dreams, and it doesn’t always go the Glee way with the kid standing up for their artistic dream and the parent coming around.)

And there were so many great quotes shared by Florian of design agency Hi Res I just had to share here with you:

Be passionate about your work but remember there are other things in life

Learn to separate sense from nonsense

Learn to question, but don’t question as a reflex

Fail better

You learn balance by losing it

Life is trying new things to see if they work

Experience is something you get just after you need it

Other highlights – Kelli Anderson (you might know her for her stunt creating a paper record player), cute as a button, doing amazing graphic design work for huge brands like JC Penney and infographics for Wired and Fast Company to things like Google Maps hacks and mapping income equality over a map of NYC; and Wallpaper magazine in London – I had to marvel at the creativity of their covers (letting 22,000 subscribers design their own; printing every issue with a unique range of hues) and how they’re pushing both analogue and digital boundaries, integrating their print and online properties.

Tell me, what’s inspired you lately?

And in meantime, peruse this jumbo edition of links:

WORK

The topic of passion and work continues to intrigue me. Following your passion – it’s easier said than done. Try asking these questions to get to the heart of yours, via Grow.

The real secret to making money by following your passion, via Get Rich Slowly.

Kyla Roma on what she wishes she had known about finding/following her passion.

And Sense to Dollars expounds on how passion always pulls her through at work.

A nice post for freelancers on cracking online business markets. Wise words. I often see blogs advising freelancers to get their sales calls out of the way early in the day. NOOO. We do not have the time to deal with pitches in the morning – yours will likely get ignored or lost.

Sean Ogle blogs about how to extract more enjoyment from your day job.

Rachel Hills on getting started in the world of writing (something I touched on this week)

Freelancing isn’t for everyone, says Krystal.

Don’t assume you need a prestigious career, at Afford Anything.

A Cat of Impossible Colour has some fantastic quotes to reinspire the writers among us.

Two stories from the Billfold also caught my eye: insights into the life of a professional cellist and an interview with a Wall St journalist. Favourite quote: “Really high finance has very little to do with personal finance. The things that companies do, we would all get arrested if we tried.”

LIFE

Erika ponders what happens when the recipe for successful 21st century life fails.

Penelope Trunk argues that more than anything, we’re in the age of personal responsibility.

Diary of Why explains why she’s better off alone.

Suburban Sweetheart has a lovely post on family, heritage and identity.

Also at Grow, a reminder about being social – and genuine – on the social web (pretty much what I was trying to say here)

20 and Engaged reflects on her first year of being a wife, and loving to the maximum of your capability.

How to get the respect you deserve, by Betsy at Married with Luggage.

Amelia Pontes on the things she’s learned about time.

I loved this post from Zen Habits on finding contentment in small things.

FOOD

A Wandering Food Lover shares her recipe for afghan biscuits.

Love this! 15 sorta-truths about dinner, at Dinner: A Love Story

A fresh take on asparagus by Not Eating Out in New York.

And finally, Iowa Girl Eats whips up some open faced chicken caprese sandwiches

It instantly makes you look that much more polished and professional. Everybody needs a basic black blazer in their wardrobe.

How to use email.

Sure, you know how to hit reply and send, but did anybody ever teach you when to use reply-all and cc appropriately? What makes a good subject line? How do you phrase a request for something? Should you forward praise emails to your boss? When are emoticons okay?!

That everything is about selling.

Even if you’re in a non-revenue generating department – IT, admin, HR, editorial – you still need to know how to present yourself in the best possible light. You’ll need to make it through many job interviews in a lifetime. You’ll need to represent your company to outsiders from time to time. You’ll need to pitch ideas. And if you choose to strike out on your own eventually, you’ll sure as hell need to know how to sell your independent services.

Bring solutions, not problems.

Or rather, it’s fine to highlight problems – but it’s infinitely better if you can present the fix at the same time. Bosses like to know that things are working, not that they’re broken.  At the same time, be aware not all your brilliant ideas will be used – or worse, they’ll take forever to implement or be warped as they go through many hands in the name of bureaucracy.

The need to toot your own horn.

You can do great work, but if nobody knows about it, why bother? (Kind of like that old riddle – if a tree falls in the middle of the woods but nobody is around, does is make a sound?) Self-promotion, like networking, is an occasional necessity (natural for some, nasty for others). Your bosses probably pass on good feedback down the chain to you, but are you doing the same – forwarding on praise, keeping them in the loop on milestones and important updates?

And thus ends my spurt of wisdom for today.

What do you wish they would teach at university?

Ergo: this braindump covering most of the things I would like to tell would-be writers.

You will be overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. Perennially underresourced.

Pay starts low and stays low. It’s not like, say, accounting – where you start on $40k and work on up to $100k in a few years.  The industry is relatively flat; it’s not like there is a huge ladder to climb.

You will in all likelihood need to pay some serious dues. Internships help get your foot in the door. (I hope you got yourself qualified, because the degree is practically mandatory now.) Working the crappy shifts will help you get your foot in the door and rack up valuable experience. Although depending what you go on to (breakfast TV? online news? Talkback radio?) the hours may ALWAYS be bad. (At first you’ll feel SUPER IMPORTANT because you’re NEEDED at all hours! And then that novelty wears off and you’ll resent the intrusion.)

It is not (always) as exciting or glamorous as you might think. Sometimes we get to meet important and/or famous people. Sometimes we get wined and dined and plied with crap. There’s also the mundane and often repetitive stuff. You’ll get used to writing stories about similar things: awards, surveys, reports, acquisitions, events, fires, arrests, issues that “spark a debate”, etc. You don’t always get to choose what you write about. The unsexy stuff (tech, business) pays better and has better hours. You might have overbearing subeditors – or none at all.

You’ll need to be fast. Onto it. Understand digital. (I never want to hear “do you use hyperlinks in your web stories?” again.). It will be to your benefit to know what CMS stands for; have a few basic Photoshop skills; have profiles on social media so that you know how those networks work, for starters. You need to exist online. It freaks me out to Google you, expecting to see clips, or at least a Twitter or LinkedIn profile, and come up empty.

It’s thankless. Not just in terms of readers, but also, the self-deprecating, self-mocking culture among us. (From what I can tell, this can be found in academia too – why do we keep doing this? There must be something wrong with us. But we keep plugging away anyway.)

Some of this applies to wannabe pro bloggers, too. I am not one of them, so I won’t speak to this for long (I’ve made a few bucks online without trying but it took me a couple of years; the hourly rate is good but spread out over all the hours I spend on blogging, would be well into the many decimal points of cents).

Again, you cannot simply write about whatever you want and expect to be able to make a living doing so off the bat. You’ll need to learn about SEO and marketing and find a niche, and it’s only getting harder from hereonin as everyone and their dog pursues the lifestyle design movement. You are relatively late to the game; you won’t be a Dooce or Tavi or Gala Darling. (But if that’s the path you want to pursue, you can do it authentically and without being a douchebag.)

I’ve actually made this twice. The first time I completely forgot about the icing. T wasn’t a fan of the rolled oats in the base, either (possibly because a few noticeable flakes escaped the punishing blades of the food processor) and thought it needed “something else”, namely the glaze. I thought it was delicious, personally. But I’m not picky.

Take 1

The second time I skipped the flour and oats, and substituted vanilla wine biscuits (the best kind). I did forget to swirl the layers together (there’s always something!) but I made the icing. I wasn’t a fan of the sour cream plus chocolate, so added some icing sugar and cream cheese into the fun.

Take 2

I won’t lie; it’s a little pricey. It’s about $10 alone for the creams and chocolate, plus all the other stuff, but hopefully you’ll have those ingredients on hand. BUT SO WORTH IT.

Original recipe found here. (Sorry about the crappy late night photos!)

Base: ¼ cup caster sugar; ¼ cup firmly packed brown sugar; 50g butter, softened; 2 heaped tbsp smooth peanut butter; 1 egg, lightly beaten; ½ cup plain flour, sifted; 2 tbsp cocoa, sifted; ½ cup rolled oats; ¼ tsp baking powder; pinch sea salt

Cheesecake: 500g cream cheese; 3 eggs; 3 egg yolks; 200g caster sugar; 125ml sour cream; 250g smooth peanut butter; 100g dark chocolate

Chocolate Glaze: 250ml sour cream; 100g dark chocolate

METHOD

Heat oven to 160°C. Line 23cm round springform tin with baking paper.

Base: Place all the ingredients for the biscuit base in the bowl of a food processor and blitz until the mixture comes together in a ball. Line base of prepared tin and bake for 15 mins. Refrigerate for a few minutes to set the base.

Cheesecake: Mix all ingredients except peanut butter and chocolate in the bowl of a food processor and blend until uber smooth. Divide mixture equally between three bowls. Mix peanut butter into one bowl until smooth. Mix melted chocolate into a second bowl of mixture.

Pour half of the remaining plain cheesecake mixture onto biscuit base. Top with peanut butter cheesecake and chocolate cheesecake. Use a bamboo skewer or small spoon to swirl the mixture through. Top with remaining plain cheesecake mixture and smooth the top.

Bake for one hour until the top of the cheesecake is just set.

Glaze: Melt cream and chocolate together and gently – very gently – pour over the cooked cheesecake and smooth it out with a palate knife or spatula. Return to oven and bake for a further 5-10 minutes.

OH SO GOOD!

Also: no-bake chocolate peanut butter cake

This is seriously the easiest thing ever. It’s also very rich – small servings will last you a few days.

Original recipe here.

200g (7oz) whipping cream
400g (14oz) good quality chocolate (milk or dark)
200g shortbread biscuits (I actually didn’t measure this or the peanut butter – I used what looked like suitable amounts)
150g  peanut butter

METHOD

Bring cream to the boil in a small saucepan.

Line a loaf pan with baking paper, cling wrap or foil.

Bash or chop chocolate into small chunks and place in a bowl or jug. Add hot cream and stand for 5 minutes.

Stir cream and chocolate until smooth and well combined. Pour enough melted chocolate into the base of the cake to cover the bottom.

Place a layer of shortbread on top. Cover with peanut butter. Add another shortbread layer then drizzle the last of the chocolate over.

Refrigerate overnight.

The cream and dark chocolate mix is out of this world. It’s not too sweet and not too heavy – a divine blend of thick, rich dairy.

(Also, does overreliance on email bug anyone else? I work in digital – and I hate phone calls; email in the first instance please – but I’m not always glued to a screen. I eat lunch. Sometimes I’m in meetings. Sometimes I even have to leave the office for legit work purposes. Hard to believe, I know. If it’s urgent and you haven’t heard back from me, CALL. My numbers are in my signature; pick up the phone and dial them.)

Pros:

• No need to get dressed
• No commute
• (Hopefully) fewer interruptions – be it fire alarms, network going down, colleagues stopping by

Cons:

• Using up electricity and internet data on your own dollar
• Potentially MORE, different, distractions
• Not having access to everything you would have in the office

I think I’m one of those people that would do really well as a telecommuter, working remotely. I don’t need people contact to stay sane (more like the opposite, in truth). I’m self-driven. I’m not in a position that requires lots of teamwork and coordination.

That said, I’m not a telecommuter. And face time with coworkers and higher-ups is important, too.

Do you ever work from home? Or do you wish you did?

This is our first winter in our current house and I can see my breath in the mornings in our bedroom. Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to be damp and the kitchen gets a lovely ray of sunlight in which I bask while eating my toast. It’s quite pleasant, really.

This week’s links

On my Tumblr: Don’t be one of THOSE comms/PR people. Or we can’t be friends anymore.

Hannah Katy dishes out some tough talk on making a difference in the world.

10 reasons NOT to trust dudes with finance degrees, via Ms Career Girl.

Can you really pull yourself up by the bootstraps? 20s Finances tackles a touchy topic on the Yakezie blog.

Cassie at Digging Out and Up lists all the things she could buy if she didn’t save.

Mmmm. Lemon + blueberry + yoghurt + loaf = a recipe I must try. Via These Little Moments.

Two Degrees shares some of her personal blind spots.

Zen Habits on how to be happy. Word.

Like Cait at Stratejoy, I’ll admit to at least a partial belief in manifesting. I definitely don’t think positive thinking and visualising desired outcomes can ever be a bad thing.

I don’t comment on posts merely for the sake of it.

I don’t follow everyone back on Twitter.

I curate discerningly. If we interact online, you can be assured that it’s genuine and for a reason.

I (pretty selflessly) share link love every week and share posts from around the web that I think kick ass, and there are several blogs I read and comment on that don’t reciprocate. And that’s fine. That’s not what the end game is about for me. These are blogs I enjoy on their own merit, and it doesn’t need to be two-way for me to continue to show my appreciation (though I tend not to comment on a few of the really huge blogs, because I just don’t know if the 100th or 200th comment actually ever gets read). Likewise, I try to always visit the blogs of new commenters – but if they’re not up my alley, I simply won’t subscribe.

I’m not saying that I never participate in marketing of any form. Commenting on other blogs and interacting with you guys on social networks is part of that – but it is NOT the primary reason I do it. As I said just the other week, I blog for love (and narcissism). I was a blog reader before I was a blogger, and participating is something I genuinely enjoy (and when it starts to feel too much like a chore, I lay off for a bit). I didn’t know the first thing about blogging four years ago, and I simply did what felt natural. Turns out it also brought readers, and behold, some of y’all are downright regulars here now. A happy, accidental surprise.

Work is where I worry about traffic, referrals, comments and time spent on site. This is for self expression.

I originally joined 20SB and Yakezie and got into blog carnivals without really knowing what it was all about, because all the cool kids seemed to be doing it. I do participate in carnivals semi-regularly, and when approached to host one for the first time, took up the offer. I see them as a way to discover new blogs I might like to read, and to hopefully spotlight some of my better posts (ones I think are deserving of being shared, rather than whoring posts out blindly). This is deliberate and selective on my part. It’d be an understatement to say I’ve been sporadic about participation over the past couple years, though I’ve been more active of late.  Suffice to say it’s not something that is hugely important to me; I don’t do it every week, and I definitely do not sit down to write posts with the mindset of creating something to submit to a carnival.

The blogs I love most, though? Generally, I don’t find them through networks like that. I discover them serendipitously and fall in love with them on my own. I’ve found bloggers gravitate toward networks when they’re chasing growth and monetisation rather than personal, heartfelt writing.

Getting to the point…

Even if you consider your blog a business … even if you started blogging with the sole intention of growing traffic and making money … you can still be real about it.

The best blogs rock because they have a voice. Nicole Is Better, Budgets Are Sexy, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, Seth Godin, Dooce, Redhead Writing, Yes and Yes, Healthy Tipping Point, Susannah Breslin, Penelope Trunk? They all have personality, and they got big by being themselves, being honest, being authentic. Not through lame link exchanges, pleading, or threats. When I see people resorting to these tactics, I’m embarrassed for them. Business on the social web is not like business 1.0. It’s about personality, engagement and transparency – without forcing mutual backscratching.

It’s about (corniness alert) heart. It’s about being unselfish; giving before taking; being genuine in all your interactions with others. If you’re not, people will see right through you.

Worry about doing good work. Create awesome content. As Matt from the Oatmeal says: Don’t ask for likes – make things that are likable.

I am a writer. Not a salesperson. I know I can blog organically, authentically and with integrity, attracting likeminded readers who appreciate who I am as a person and all the different interests I have. Some have stuck with me as my writing changes; some haven’t. It’s all part of the journey.

My blog continues to evolve, and I don’t know where it will end up. But however long you stay for the ride, your company is welcomed and appreciated.