Who gets this damn happy about their girlfriend’s new cat? Potential explanations of this pic’s true context:

a) Her sister is giving him a Handie outside the frame.

b) He’s on a plane…and it’s crashing. He’s actually screaming: “Why are you showing me your stupid cat?! I’m going to die!!!”

c) He just got out of a Venezuelan jail.

d) He was home schooled.

e) He’s never seen a cat before.

f) He has a huge snake named “Victor.” She’s showing him Victor’s dinner.

g) She keeps buying cats and accidentally killing them. He’s just humoring her, but inside he’s thinking: “Oh, she is definitely gonna kill that little cat.”

h) She had it stuck inside her for days after a horribly-planned “bedroom experiment” and he’s happy that she’s back to anatomic normalcy.

i) He’s actually mocking her. A moment later, he’ll scream: “Stop tying ribbons in your hair. Stop playing with kittens. Don’t you see this amazing sport coat I’m wearing in the middle of the afternoon? Grow up and put on something sexy.”

There are few things in this world I hold sacred. David Hasselhoff’s reputation as the world’s greatest entertainer is one of them. This is why nothing irritates me more than when some commie, beef-cake moron two-steps his way onto The Hoff’s thunder. Touche Dolph Lundgren, the world didn’t realize you wail on the drums and have a commanding yet sensual singing voice. But punching and kicking stuff? Old news, buddy.

Hasselhoff can sing, dance, punch, kick, jog like a jock, and pimp a tux… plus, he’s tan! While Dolph was defending his massive nordic mates from wolves in the old country, The Hoff was turning down primetime tang left and right while simultaneously banging half the cast of Baywatch Season 4. It’s a no-brainer that The Hoff is the world’s greatest living entertainer, so why even step to this, Dolph? Sure, you’re all smiles in your Youtube video, but I own Rocky IV and I know what you’re really like. Dolph Lundgren keep your commie ass away from David Hasselhoff’s thunder!

Like many of you, I have a pet hipster, and nothing irritates me more then when my hipster gets out of line. I can’t stand that shit! Hipsters need to know their place and that is that. If I need help ripping up my jeans in a cool way or not eating until I look like a witch on heroin, I’ll ask my hipster for help. But if I need help paying my bills, filling out a job application, or setting realistic goals for my future, my hipster needs to shove off because they are out of line.

I don’t believe in hitting my hipster but I do believe that negative reinforcement has its place. When my hipster gets out of line I simply pull a very small table up to a wall and make it sit and think of cool ways to make expensive camera’s photos look like poloroids from the seventies. If they get stuck, I simply mention lens flares and they drift slowly back into a deep wall-stare.

Do any of you VO “actors” have a concept of time? Quick breakdown: Centuries divide into decades, decades to years, years to months, months to weeks, weeks to days, days to hours, hours to minutes, and (this is the tricky part, I know) minutes to seconds. If I send you a line read for 6 seconds, don’t send something back that lasts 9 seconds. It doesn’t work! It makes my life more difficult. Do you understand we have to re-cut the audio or worse, re-cut the edit…which opens an entire pandora’s box of client reviews, online revisions, graphic changes, etc. All this so you can roll your damn “Rrrrrrrrrrr” in that manufactured ostentatiousness? WTF? 

I sent you line breakdowns. I gave you seconds AND frames to hit those breakdowns. You weren’t even close! Ohhh well, I’ll just cut these two lines of copy. Nobody mulled over the exact way to construct those sentences. No one pulled out the thesaurus, no one skipped lunch stressing over “direct” vs “non-stop.” You hold that “D” so well, let’s cut this crowd shot. That wasn’t tough to get.

It must be nice. Out there on your farm in Washington State. $450/hr to show up 15 minutes late. Why were you late? Was there traffic getting from the organic vegetable garden to your microphone? It’s okay, I’ll just wait here in this conference room and stare at the whiteboard. I’m sure you’ll have some quaint explanation about how wonderful the tomatoes are this time of year. I’m sure you’ll offer some witty way to say the tag line - “What if I try something more metered and profound?” No, jackass, just say the damn line.

Screw you “voice talent.” Buy a stopwatch.

Sure I might have what some people describe as an “arson problem”. I get off on starting fires…there I said it, but that doesn’t mean that I should have to live in a society rampant with under-qualified firefighters. I pay taxes just like everyone else, so if you want to look me in the eye and tell me that a German Shepard can put out a raging fire just as easily as full grown man… well then you sir can go to hell! That really irritates me.

Actually, there’s nothing irritating about this at all. It’s sheer genius and I’m holding my breath for it to come out. Not irritating!!!

Is that lamb wearing Uggs? Does the space shuttle say “Condos, Condos, Condos?” In a weird way, this is really effective advertising because a ton of people probably stopped and said: “Wow! That’s bizarre. I wonder what amazing ideas he has for finding me a great condo.” Realistically though, bald men are rarely self-deprecating, so this is probably meant as an earnest attempt to promote interstellar real estate brokerage. That’s irritating…

When not posting such hard-hitting stories as “Idol Winner: A Thing for Thongs” or “Shhh! Let’s Listen In On Marie Osmond’s Phone Call,” everyone’s favorite gossip columnist from the Greater St Paul-Minneapolis area seems to have a thing for bashing bands who have the audacity to sign autographs for their fans. Let’s all take a moment and give CJ, aka “the Antonio Sabato Jr of Reporting,” the attention she so obviously desires. Her email is cj@startribune.com and her phone number is 612-232-tips. I’m curious what journalism school prepared her for such a fulfilling and culturally-defining career in today’s media. So, irritating!!!

CJ - "Important" Gossip Blogger

In other news (pun intended), check out the super sweet, custom-made MOUSTACHETTE shirts that pop up around the :25sec mark. Good work @thisgoeshere !!!! Team Bend, Team Atl, Team Toronto…the bar has been set.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” C. Darwin

Duck builds nest on building, baby ducks can’t get down, humans interfere, nature shifts out of balance, people set up metal barriers for a parade of ducks to the lake, child scream for joy.

Are baby ducks “ducklets??” Irritating.

And the world stood still…

In a dramatic, heart-thumping press conference, America’s raison d’etre, Donald Trump, described Miss CA’s semi-nude photos as “fine” and happily announced that she will keep her crown and continue her “work” as an “ambassador of goodwill.” Ummmm, okay. A few things…

- A bigot is someone who is intolerant of lifestyles or identities differing from his or her own. In “Miss CA’s America,” same-sex marriage doesn’t hold the same value as “opposite marriage” and shouldn’t qualify as such. This makes her a bigot. It doesn’t matter if she dates Michael Phelps, has fake breasts, maintains a close relationship w/ God, or wears a shinier sash than the average American. She’s still a bigot.

- If you’re a “starting out model” and “have to take photos in many different poses” (ie semi-nude), it means certain attributes that generally exist on a successful model (an interesting face?) are probably absent.

- “I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking this question,” Prejean said. ”And then God was in my head and in my heart saying: ‘Do not compromise this. You need to stand up for Me and you need to share with all these people…you need to witness to them.’”  Thank heavens (pun intended) we have beauty queens standing up for God now that Mother Theresa is gone.

- Miss CA’s grandfather fought in WWII so that she “could keep [her] freedom of speech.” Fair enough. But freedom of speech doesn’t protect or exclude Miss CA from the repercussions of bigotry. Freedom of speech works both ways. Miss CA is not a martyr. She is the product of a society that commonly mistakes beauty for virtue.  

- Miss CA believes her story is an example of the empowerment of women. Fake breasts (purchased for her) and the quantification of “beauty” in a competitive atmosphere does not qualify as empowering.

Miss CA, you describe yourself as “not perfect” and have already forgiven those who weren’t perfect in their attacks on you. Why not take that mindset one step further? Why not let things go? Let individuals live as they choose to live? Homosexuality and same-sex marriage aren’t going anywhere. But, hopefully, the joke of parading young women in bikinis on national television will continue to wear off as we progress as a society and a culture. Until then, this is totally irritating.