Moonbeams

Top Tips for Making New Friends in Later Life

2009-10-05T15:29:01+01:00

I remember as a child how excited I felt when someone wanted to be my friend and how upset I became if one of them said they didn’t want to be my friend any more. I also recall putting the world to rights all day with my best friend and then going round to see her after tea to carry on some more.
When my children were small many of my neighbors also had young children. I met others at the clinic and later at school and these opportunities resulted in my having lots of friends.
For most of us the need for close relationships has not diminished as we’ve grown older but the opportunity and means for creating them has. If we lose a partner, for whatever reason, sometimes relationships we shared with them are lost or damaged and the fear of feeling isolated or lonely becomes greater. Wherever we are on our life transition journey we need people who care for us in our team and need to put more time and effort into making new relationships. Here are a few ideas to get you going.

1. Be proactive and take the first step. If you want to make friends, you have to get out there. Friends will not come knocking on your door while you sit at home watching TV!

2. Talk to people. Socializing needs practice.. You can join a club or go to evening classes and you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. Each time you talk to someone new, you have a chance at making a friend. Most conversations will not lead anywhere and you may never talk to that person again but once in a while you'll actually make a friend.

3. Join as many groups/activities as you can. The wider you cast your net the more likely you are to find someone you has the same interests as you. If you have something in common with people, it can make it a lot easier to start a conversation

4. Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way for people to meet others. By working together you build relationships with people, and you might meet others who enjoy the same things as you do

5. Don’t be judgmental. You will need to be in contact with a lot of people to find a friend you can relate to.

6. Start a conversation. There are many ways to do this; a comment about your immediate environment, ‘I love these old buildings don’t you? ‘Or ‘It makes such a difference when the sun is shining don’t you think?’’, a request for help "Can you help me choose an outfit for my friend's wedding??" Or a compliment e.g. "I love your necklace” Follow up immediately with a related question: Do you like this warm weather? Where did you get great jewelery like that?

7. Make small talk. Keep the conversation light and cheery and bounce a few words back and forth for a little bit.

8. Introduce yourself towards the end of the conversation. It can be as simple as saying "Oh, by the way, my name is...” Once you introduce yourself, the other person will typically do the same.

9. Initiate a meeting. You can talk your heart out but it won't get you a friend if you don't open up the opportunity for another conversation or meeting. This is especially important if you meet someone who you aren't otherwise likely to meet again. Also be careful not to refuse an invitation you may later regret as the person they may not ask you again.

10. Suggest you meet for coffee or lunch . This will give you a better opportunity to talk and get to know each other better. A good way to begin is to say: "Hey, well, I've got to go, but if you ever want to talk over lunch or coffee let me give you my number/e-mail address." This gives the person the opportunity to contact you. They may or may not give you their information. Just don't take it personally if they choose not to as there could be any number of reasons . Just offer your contact details to whoever looks like a potential friend and eventually somebody will get in touch.

11. Use the Internet. In general, the Internet is a great place to make friends, but expect to have to go through a lot of people on-line before you find the someone you can relate to

12. Choose variety. It is unlikely that one person will meet all your needs.Maybe the walking group we join will satisfy us to some extent and chatting to a colleague and going to the theatre with a neighbor will fill the rest. One friend might be a good listener while you may have to go to someone else to have a fun night out with.We really have to make an effort to meet a range of different people across the age and social spectrum, each one of which will fill a social need in some way but maybe no one person will become our soul mate.

1. Be proactive and take the first step. If you want to make friends, you have to get out there. Friends will not come knocking on your door while you sit at home watching TV!

2. Talk to people. Socializing needs practice.. You can join a club or go to evening classes and you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. Each time you talk to someone new, you have a chance at making a friend. Most conversations will not lead anywhere and you may never talk to that person again but once in a while you'll actually make a friend.

3. Join as many groups/activities as you can. You will reduce this in the long term but the wider you cast your net the more likely you are to find someone you have the same interests as you. If you have something in common with people, it can make it a lot easier to start a conversation

4. Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way for people to meet others. By working together you build relationships with people, and you might meet others who enjoy the same things as you do

5. Don’t be judgemental. You will need to be in contact with a lot of people to find one friend you can relate to

6. Start a conversation. There are many ways to do this; a comment about your immediate environment, ‘I love these old buildings don’t you? ‘Or ‘It makes such a difference when the sun is shining don’t you think?’’, a request for help "Can you help me carry these boxes, if you have a minute?" Or a compliment "That's a nice car." or "I love your necklace” Follow up immediately with a related question: Do you like this warm weather? Where did you get great jewellery like that?

7. Make small talk. Keep the conversation light and cheery and bounce a few words back and forth for a little bit.

8. Introduce yourself towards the end of the conversation. It can be as simple as saying "Oh, by the way, my name is...” Once you introduce yourself, the other person will typically do the same.

9. Initiate a meeting. You can chat your heart out but it won't get you a friend if you don't open up the opportunity for another conversation or meeting. This is especially important if you meet someone who you aren't otherwise likely to meet again.

10. Suggest you meet for lunch or coffee. This will give you a better opportunity to talk and get to know each other a little bit better. A good way to begin is to say: "Hey, well, I've got to go, but if you ever want to talk over lunch or coffee or anything like that, let me give you my number/e-mail address." This gives the person the opportunity to contact you; they may or may not give you their information in return, but that's fine. Maybe they don't have time for new friends—don't take it personally! Just offer your contact details to whoever looks like a potential friend and eventually somebody will get in touch.

11. Use the internet. In general, the Internet is a great place to make friends, but expect to have to sift through a lot of people online before you find the someone you can relate to

12. Choose variety. It is unlikely that one person will meet all your needs. One friend might be a good listener while you may have to go to someone else to have a fun night out with.

Stress Reduction Techniques-Ways of Coping With Stress Exercise No2

2009-08-25T08:00:00+01:00

Mindfulness and being 'in the moment' is a spiritual practice that is empowering and transformational. I find this technique really helpful for creating a sense of calm and well-being.

Sit with your back as straight as possible and make yourself comfortable

Close your eyes when ready

Feel the rhythm of your breathing as it rises and falls and slow it down.

Be aware of sounds in the room but they don’t matter

Feel the air in the room gently moving around you and be aware of your breath is you exhale

Remove any tension in your feet and legs

Relax your pelvic area and release the tension from your buttocks

Feel your chest and back relax and take away any tension

Relax your arms and your fingers

Loosen and relax your shoulders

Now relax your scalp and the muscles in your face. Slightly open your jaw and let your tongue rest gently at the bottom of your mouth

Breath in peace and tranquillity, breathe out stress and tension

If any thoughts come into your mind just blow them away. They can wait until later

Now visualise a warm golden white light in your solar plexus which is just below your sternum and breathe into and out from the light

Make it grow in intensity and spread outwards throughout your body until its warmth and brightness has permeated every nerve, every muscle and every cell in your body

Everything is slowing down now and you are feeling as though even your blood has slowed down.

Continue breathing deeply and slowly

Tell yourself in a soft voice that everything is going to be fine. You feel safe and secure

Continue breathing deeply, slowly surrendering yourself to a feeling of deep peace

Begin to feel ‘light and fluffy’ like marshmallow until you reach a point of absolute stillness.

Remain calm and still for 5minutes. Longer if you prefer

Feel yourself sitting on the chair

Wiggle your fingers and toes

Slowly, when you are ready, open your eyes and have a good stretch.

Now don't you feel better?

Midlife Career Changes - 10 step plan for your career change midlife

2009-08-24T07:19:00+01:00

“Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places. – E.J. Cossman”

Changing your career in the second half of your life will feel very different from when you were younger. Becoming aware of our mortality changes our priorities and shrinks the importance of money, success, status and meeting others’ expectations.

You may have less confidence than when you were younger; have concerns about age discrimination and losing leave and financial incentives gained from long service.

During mid-life we realise the gap between our dreams and reality and want the next part of our life to be meaningful because we won’t get another chance.

For some of us a career change in the second half of our life is something we plan, a conscious choice to pursue a higher income, improved job satisfaction or work life balance.

Others may be caught up like me in the increasing wave of redundancies as organisations restructure and downsize as a result of the downturn in the economy. We all find change difficult and finding you have to reapply for your job, compete against your colleagues or take on a role you would not have applied for can be unsettling to say the least. Believe me I know!

But for many, redundancy can bring new opportunities for women who may have had a long career, feel ready for a change and need a nudge to take action. Sometimes being forced out of our comfort zone can be just what we need!

Whether you are forced into changing your job because of redundancy, are returning to work, hankering for a change, seeking a new challenge or better work life balance this 10 step plan will help you on your way.

1. Identify your values

In order to feel happy and fulfilled in our work we need to align the job we do with our values. List everything that is important to you about your job e.g. variety, financial security, achievement, belonging significance, power, autonomy, creativity, mental stimulation and so on.

Work is ideally an expression of who we are so use your list of values to guide and inform your decision making

2. Know yourself

Make four columns and head them, strengths, skills, knowledge and experience. Think about your hobbies, interests and life experience as well as current and previous employment. E.g. you are likely to have gained budgeting and organisational experience from looking after your family, gained problem solving experience and focus and tenacity from helping with homework. You get my drift!

3. Ignite your passion

What do you love doing? What makes your heart sing?

4. Inventory your accomplishments

What have been your proudest moments in and outside of work?

5. Establish the kind of work you want to do

Do you want to work full or part time? Do you want to work for an employer or for yourself?

6. What about the money?

How much money do you need to live your life now and when you retire? Whilst not being the most important thing, you need to earn enough to put bread on the table!

7. Create options

At this point your objective is to brainstorm a list of options and generate possibilities. Review the information you have gained from 1-6 above. Be flexible, non critical and think outside the box. Include every job that interests you, regardless of whether you think you can do it. Ask family, friends and colleagues to help you come up with as many as possible.

8. Choose your option

Consider each option carefully and ask yourself how does this option make me feel? What would change if I choose this option?

9. Identify obstacles

What could get in the way of getting the job you have chosen?

10 . Establish the resources you will need

Think about what support you will need and who will support you. What financial and training resources might you need? What do you need to know about?

Next time I will share some tips from my experience as a Manager for many years to help you sail through your interview

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than the ones you did” Mark Twain

Short Friendship Poems -One of my favorite friendship quotes

2009-08-04T00:35:00+01:00

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.
--Unknown

The Secret to work life balance- Find an hour a day to play

2009-07-31T07:23:00+01:00

We all need a balance in our life between work and play. By freeing up at least an hour a day to focus on something you want to do, rather than something you think you have to or should do, can help give you that balance.

Remember there is always enough time to do the things that are important to us and it is important that we invest time in ourselves

    * What makes you smile inside?
    * What fascinates you?
    * What do you love doing?

Re-ignite your passion and find a creative outlet. Re-design your garden, go or craft group.to the opera or a ballet, join an art class or find a local singing/pottery/writing or craft group. US researchers believe being creative can add about 6.7 years longer to our life than those of us who rarely flex our creative muscles. Wow! what a bonus.

'We have enough time if we will but use it right' Goethe

Facing the Enemies Within

2009-07-28T17:36:00+01:00

I love this brilliant advice from Jim Rohn and want to share it with you.

We are not born with courage, but neither are we born with fear. Maybe some of our fears are brought on by your own experiences, by what someone has told you, by what you've read in the papers. Some fears are valid, like walking alone in a bad part of town at two o'clock in the morning. But once you learn to avoid that situation, you won't need to live in fear of it.

Fears, even the most basic ones, can totally destroy our ambitions. Fear can destroy fortunes. Fear can destroy relationships. Fear, if left unchecked, can destroy our lives. Fear is one of the many enemies lurking inside us.

Let me tell you about five of the other enemies we face from within. The first enemy that you've got to destroy before it destroys you is indifference. What a tragic disease this is. "Ho-hum, let it slide. I'll just drift along." Here's one problem with drifting: you can't drift your way to the top of the mountain.

The second enemy we face is indecision. Indecision is the thief of opportunity and enterprise. It will steal your chances for a better future. Take a sword to this enemy.

The third enemy inside is doubt. Sure, there's room for healthy skepticism. You can't believe everything. But you also can't let doubt take over. Many people doubt the past, doubt the future, doubt each other, doubt the government, doubt the possibilities and doubt the opportunities. Worse of all, they doubt themselves. I'm
telling you, doubt will destroy your life and your chances of success. It will empty both your bank account and your heart. Doubt is an enemy. Go after it. Get rid of it.

The fourth enemy within is worry. We've all got to worry some. Just don't let it conquer you. Instead, let it alarm you. Worry can be useful. If you step off the curb in New York City and a taxi is coming, you've got to worry. But you can't let worry loose like a mad dog that drives you into a small corner. Here's what you've got
to do with your worries: drive them into a small corner. Whatever is out to get you, you've got to get it.Whatever is pushing on you, you've got to push back.

The fifth interior enemy is over-caution. It is the timid approach to life. Timidity is not a virtue (unlike humility -they are different); in fact, it can be an illness. If you let it go, it'll conquer you. Timid people don't get promoted. They don't advance and grow and become powerful in the marketplace. You've got to avoid over caution.

Do battle with the enemy. Do battle with your fears. Build your courage to fight what's holding you back, what's keeping you from your goals and dreams. Be courageous in your life and in your pursuit of the things
you want and the person you want to become.

To Your Success,
Jim Rohn

Boost Your Confidenece self -confidence tips for women

2009-07-24T07:31:00+01:00

Whether you are re-inventing yourself or changing your job, your confidence will leap if you give yourself a makeover first.

Get your colours done with a colour consultant. www.cmb.co.uk or call 02076 275211 to find one in your area. You will be amazed how much younger and more vibrant you will look and feel when you wear ‘your’ colours and how much you will save by not buying clothes that end up staying in your wardrobe.
Treat yourself to a new hairstyle. If you have used the same stylist for some time try a new one who will have fresh ideas. Changing your colour as well as your style or having high/low lights can give you a real boost.
Accessories can make an outfit – treat yourself to some lovely earrings, a pretty necklace, scarf or bracelet. They glam up any outfit and don’t need to be expensive.
If you wear glasses, how about getting some new frames. Take a friend to help you choose. Or why not consider contact lenses or laser treatment and throw away your glasses.
Tooth whitening can take years off you and adds some glamour! So why not give it a go?
Book a facial, massage, manicure and pedicure. Go on, you are worth it.
Arrange to pamper yourself. Decide on a time you will not be disturbed. Unplug the phone, light candles in the bathroom and put on your favourite music. Run the bath and add relaxing bath oil. Put fluffy towels ready to warm. Now close your eyes and think of the wonderful life you are creating for yourself!

Here's to a more confident and beautiful new you!

Important Life Lessons - Use your past to uncover valuable life lessons

2009-07-20T11:45:00+01:00

‘He who controls the past, commands the future. He who commands the future conquers the past’ George Orwell

It is likely that by the time you have reached the second stage of your life you will have gained valuable life experiences - both good and bad - and however you look at them; they all provide important indicators for planning your new life as a single person

I believe that knowing and embracing our life story plays a significant role in our emotional recovery and is therefore important for moving forward.

An essential part of valuing and understanding yourself is to connect with what you already know about yourself. Using this information can greatly enhance the planning of your new life.

The following exercise will help you move on with confidence, energy and enthusiasm.

In an exercise book, head each page with 10-year blocks e.g. 1 - 9; 10 - 19; 20 – 29 and so on right up to the decade of your current age.

On each page ask yourself what events and people have played a significant part of your life, both positive and negative e.g.:

    * Began or finished school / college / university
    * Started new job / Promoted to manager
    * Susan born
    * Cancer scare
    * Moved house
    * Got divorced
    * Fell out with Rob
    * Mother died

And so on. Think of as many things as you can but don’t dwell on what you have written.

Put the book away overnight then read what you have written

What are the recurring or significant events?

    * Why do you think they occurred?
    * What were they trying to teach you?
    * What can you learn from them?

Our disappointments, challenges and mistakes also provide valuable lessons that we can learn from

* What have been the biggest disappointments in your life and why?
* What have been your greatest challenges? How have you overcome them?

We are often so busy in our lives we forget to acknowledge the progress we have already made. Spend a few minutes thinking about the things you have done in your life that you are proud of. Write them down and add to your list whenever things pop into your mind that you had forgotten, as they undoubtedly will!

Reflecting on the life lessons you have learned from these exercises what are the most valuable pieces of advice you can give yourself for the next phase of your life?

'Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from' Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Social Network Analysis - an exercise to extend your social network

2009-07-15T07:58:00+01:00

We all need our family and friends and never more so than when we are facing or undertaking a major life change.

If we lose a partner, for whatever reason, sometimes relationships we shared with them are lost or damaged and the fear of feeling isolated or lonely becomes greater.

It is therefore important, when we begin a new life, to review our relationships and to develop new ones while fostering older friendships.

One way of reviewing your relationships is by drawing a circle the size of a coin with three increasingly larger circles round it.

The inner-most circle is you.

In the first circle around it write the names of the people in your life with whom you share great intimacy, your secrets and heartfelt emotions. These are the people that are so dear to you that their absence would impact greatly on your life. They may or may not include family members.

In the next circle write the names of people who are friends and relatives you call upon to go out to dinner or see a movie, but are not those who you consider your most dear friends or those you must see regularly.

In the third circle you need to include the names of the people you participate with in life. This could contain spiritual groups, work colleagues, school college and university mates, people from sports and other clubs and organisations you belong to. Some of these individuals may move to the first or second circle in the future

Put people in the fourth circle who are paid to be in your life e.g. doctors, dentists, teachers, hairdressers, car mechanics, financial advisers and the like.

Most people have a reasonable number in each of the circles. However people who have recently lost or come out of a permanent relationship may not have any or many in the first circle.

It is the third circle that is the garden for growing future relationships. So to make new friends join a club or society, an evening class, gym or organisation where your interests are shared. Also consider becoming a volunteer.

It is also important to nurture and develop current relationships. So pick up the phone or your mouse more often to keep in touch and ask a colleague, neighbor or friend if they would like to go for a walk, see a film or join you for some retail therapy! It means making the effort but it will be worth it in the end.

Stress Reduction Techniques - Ways of Coping with Stress Exercise 3

2009-07-10T07:37:00+01:00

Transform your home into a relaxation spa. An oasis where you can relax and unwind

Everyone needs his or her own space so make sure you create a zone of your own where you can go to be on your own. This can be your bedroom, study, conservatory or the garden shed! It doesn’t need to be a large space and it is worth spending time and a little money on making it feel welcoming and relaxing. Think soft colours, candles, cushions, favourite books and music, inspirational pictures, plants and calming smells.

Make sure you clear your home of clutter. You will be amazed how good you will feel after a good clear out. Nothing makes you feel so in control of your life as getting rid of stuff you don’t need

Put a weekend aside and go through everything. Have three piles. One for throwing away, one for giving to friends and family and one for the second hand or charity shop. Keep asking yourself ‘what purpose does this serve and do I really need it’

Finally always get rid of something old when you buy or are given a new item. That way you will maintain your stress free oasis and keep clutter free!